Voices From Another Time
The Three Peaks 08
The alarm went at 5:30am Sunday morning and soon, myself, Luke, Stig and Rimmer were setting off in Christine for the 1 ½ hours drive to Horton In Ribblesdale to complete a 24-26mile (depending on which source you look at the actual distance seems to vary) walk across 3 of the highest peaks in Yorkshire.
We arrived at the car park at about 7:30 on Sunday 4th May 2008 and were soon joined by the rest of the members of the lost world where I work and their friends
Going from left to right to introduce all the walkers…
First you will see is Jamie, a fifteen year old friend of the next in line nicknamed “Action Man” and who is also Ian “Gollum” Balls son.
Our van drivers assistant is third from the left and is one of the main men at The Lost World.
Prior to starting work at the lost world “Billy Bullsh*t’s deepest ambition was to be become an officer in the Space Corps but sadly this never occurred and I ended up hand packing bricks with Billy The Nose and Trevor Blackneck Sherwood.
Billys favourite music is S Club 7 and he loved that Mr Blobby Song, his hobbies include the occasional work as a fluffer on porn films and riding his motorbike (when he finally gets it) and he used to be married until I found out my wife was a man.
Just behind Billy and immediately to the right you should be able to make out the events organiser Dennis “Victor Meldrew” Fox.
The photo here you can see Victor more clearly when he was a bit younger and had more hair
His hobbies are keeping fit and Motorcycling and he has a lovely YZF1000R1 or more commonly called simply “R1” which is much faster than Billys
he went to the Isle Of Man last year and it was just like going with the kids on holiday, the fastest speed he has reached was just short of 170mph but he is not exactly certain of the speed because he was too busy looking where I was going!
He would of got a Suzuki Hayabusa but well it just didn’t happen.
He currently divorced and living with Silvia his keeper and has two daughters and three grandchildren.
Next in line you can make out Lee “Riddion” Ruecroft who the mechanic at the lost world reckons is not the brightest bulb in the box but on the contrary Lee reckons he is the best looking and the strongest person working at Swillington.
Not much was seen of Lee during the walk because while we were all endeavouring to walk behind Hazel he disappeared into the sunset with his mate and wasn’t seen again, some reckon he cheated but that is still under heavy debate.
Next in line, Ian “Gollum” Ball reckons the real reason we are being made to wear our Safety Glasses at Swillington where he started work in 1979 is due to the fact that our mechanics (Nak) ever expanding waist line the last button on his overalls could fly off at any moment and take somebody’s eye out.
He reckons that this could be disastrous for people with only one eye like Dennis “Victor Meldrew” Fox who is really his best mate.
Continuing left to right we come to two beautiful examples of the female species, one being Victor Meldrews daughter who Billy reckons had the hots for him and Hazel who I spent a large majority of the initial part of the walk trying to get a good photograph of her lovely bum.
Sadly Hazel dropped out after the first peak but her friend Mrs Meldrew continued on to conquer Whernside.
The next person I believe was Riddions mate though like Riddion himself I didn’t not see much of him after the first two hundred metres because a) I was more concerned with getting a photo of the females and b) well I don’t need a b) because a) was so good.
Finally we come to my band of merry men, there is Luke, my son who is 3 months into being a teenager and there his is little brother stig who became the youngest person ever to complete all three peaks at just 11 years of age.
Uncle Rimmer, who is Lukes mum (The Ice Queen)’s brother and had carefully prepared for this walk by soaking his feet in salt water, carefully massaging them with the finest creams and read a number of books about the route and its history, it was a shame really that he didn’t go on to complete it.
Uncle Rimmer recently phoned up the Samaritans after feeling a bit suicidal and was surprised that they had moved to a call centre in Pakistan, well I suppose every company is going that way now.
Anyway he told the young lady he was thinking of committing suicide and she got all excited and asked him if he could fly a plane.
Finally there is me, Mad Mick, a 39 year old eccentric recovering alcoholic who loves nothing better than spending his life on a computer conjuring up ever more stupid stories, videos and newsletters to annoy all the people who are unfortunate enough to know him or work with him, or indeed just go on a 25 mile walk with him.
Oh and we mustn’t forget the bus driver, nicknamed the beast who is taking this photograph.
He can be seen pictured above doing what he does best which is calculating complex mathematical equations which are contributing to mans fundamental understanding of the universe around us.
The Beast’s favourite music, is really novelty records, anything from Timmy Mallett with “Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” to Black lace with “Agadoo” and that sort of thing, He also like that song “Any Dream Will Do” by Jason Donovan.
His main hobbies are motorbikes, he loves being out on the bikes with the boys in summer, man and machine performing as one entity, pure adrenalin, he also practises ball room dancing and general keep fit activities.
He is not married but has spent 23 years with the same young lady and have had 2 children, Lee who you met earlier being one of them
So that’s the gang of us who set out to complete this walk, well of course Billy and The Beast stayed behind and took care of the support vehicle leaving 12 of us to conquer 3 large summits of Yorkshire.
Pen-y-ghent at 694m that’s 2277ft which is in fact the 129th highest peak in England (not including Scotland and Wales which have far higher peaks); Whernside at 736m thats 2414ft which is No84 and Ingleborough at 723m that’s 2372ft which is No94.
The highest peak in England is Scafell Pike in The Lake district which is 978m or 3209ft and there are 228 mountains that are above 2000ft which are defined as a mountain in England alone.
The walk up to the summit of Pen-y-ghent seems to start off with a shallow ascent but as you draw near the trig point the rocks become steeper and steeper, this part of the walk is only 2.7 miles but I myself find it tiring especially near the top.
By the time myself and Jamie had arrived Lee and his mate had long gone and indeed I never saw them again, it also started to rain as we waited for the others.
It must have been a good half a hour before the two ladies had joined us and in that time, me Luke and Ben had time to eat quite a few of the tuna and salad cream sandwiches we had brought with us.
The next section of the walk between the summit of Pen-y-ghent and where we would meet the van for our dinner was around 8¼ miles and takes about 2¼ hours on a good day, I tried to hang back with my camera here to get some great shots of Hazels lovely bum.
Halfway back down we crossed the Penine way which Victor Meldrew told us was the way back to Horton if anyone was in danger of collapse however everyone continued on their journey into the really boggy section.
Last year we had quite a dry April but this year was totally different, it is called Black Dub Moss and was extremely treacherous, indeed it aided my advantage to remain at the back of the group so that if someone sank in the mud by choosing the wrong path I could avoid that area.
Eventually we found our way to Ribble way which in the good bits is a farm track leading to Nether Lodge farm, it was at this point where Victor Meldrew started hallucinating, he claimed to have seen a giraffe although no one else saw it.
We crossed a cattle grid and passed over a bridge which spanned the upper reaches of the river Ribble, Action Man, Gollums son showed us his skill here by failing to use the bridge choosing instead to cross the river using the protruding rocks.
We passed an old 17th century house and crossed yet another cattle grid before joining the main B6479 to where Billy and The Beast was awaiting us in the van.
Initially we thought the house which said 1687 was in fact 1087 and were astonished at its age, but I later found out from some other walkers that the o was in fact a 6 but had lost the little curvy bit over the years
Along this stretch of road which the rest of the group moved off into the distance, my mate Rimmer tried his best to chat up Hazel while I photoed her from a whole variety of different angles, included above is one from my portfolio
Sadly despite encouragement from myself and Rimmer she decided that she had had enough of walking for one day and this devastated my mate Rimmer who became lethargic, withdrawn and depressed after this.
I had brought with me these Pro-plus Caffeine and Dextrose tablets which were advertised as giving walkers additional energy and restores sore limbs, so far I had taken three of them while Luke and Stig had taken one each.
We enjoyed our dinner at the junction overlooking the 24 arches of the Ribblehead Viaduct which would be the beginning of the next stage of our walk and I purchased a cheeseburger from the refreshments van a little down the road.
Both Stig and Luke seemed unperturbed by the experience so far, Billy as usual took the piss out of our predicament and said that walking wasn’t actually that good for you, Hazel seemed to agree with him and decided she was doing no more today.
Now there was just 9 of us setting off on the second leg which involved conquering the highest of the three peaks, Whernside.
The Huge 24 arch Ribblehead Viaduct dominates the area at this point and a sign gave me detailed history of the area, many years ago in the past…
From 1869, hundreds of people came to this remote place to work on the construction of this section of the Settle-Carlisle railway line.
Materials for building the major works like Ribblehead viaduct and nearby Blea Moor tunnel were manufactured or gathered here and moved around using small steam locomotives. It's hard to imagine exactly what this place looked like then. Archaeologists have carefully surveyed the lumps and bumps you can see in front of you and this drawing is our interpretation of the evidence.
Immediately in front of you was a locomotive inspection pit - look carefully and you should spot a long, shallow groove in the ground. It may have had a timber structure over it like the one drawn here. Beyond it were the smoking chimneys of a large brickworks, churning out the thousands of bricks used to line Blea Moor tunnel and the arches of the viaduct behind you. The two chimneys survive as two mounds of stones and not far away is a pile of brick rejects.
On the hillside above was a group of temporary wooden cabins where workers and their families lived. It was called Sebastopol after the site of the Crimean War siege of 1855.
When the construction work was finished the buildings were dismantled and taken away - and the moorland slowly returned. The area is now a Scheduled Ancient Monument and it is an offence to disturb or damage it in any way. Please do not park vehicles here.
This interpretation panel is in memory of Clifford Coates (1930-2005) of Oxenhope, near Keighley, who loved this railway. It was funded by sponsorship from his family and friends who walked the length of the Settle-Carlisle line in June/July 2006 and from the Friends of the Settle-Carlisle Line Thanks also go to the Yorkshire Dales National Park Authority for their help with this project supported by ~D~
Back in them days I bet you didn’t have to wait for two years to go through tons of red tape in order to get planning permission for the brickworks like we have to do now at Swillington.
The distance from here to the summit of Whernside is some 4¼ miles although there is a more direct route but is very steep and difficult, our long way round was a long gentle ascent past the Blea Moor tunnel and the panoramic Force Gill waterfall which David “Gandalf” Zinis regularly visits for a shower and to inspect his boxes containing secret books.
As we ascended the hill Victor Meldrew started to fall back because he was keeping his daughter company and me, Stig, Luke and Jamie started to pull into the lead and was first to reach the summit which was shrouded in clouds, on our way up we could make out Greensett Tarn but from the trig point we could see virtually nothing although on a clear day it is said you can see Morecambe Bay.
At the summit we made a brief pitstop but left when Gollum decided to wait for Victor and his pretty daughter and it was here I took another 3 of my proplus tablets and Super Rimmer despite his careful planning started to hobble a bit.
On the way down the steep banking which falls dangerously for about 60m Uncle Rimmer decided to change his boots despite warning from me that doing so would disturb his blisters and possibly make him unable to walk but he knew best so I made a desperate attempt to catch up with Luke, Ben and Jamie and leave Rimmer to play with his feet.
On the way down I jarred my knee and was pestered with a sharp pain for the duration of the day but I did catch up with them and we all walked through Teletubbie Common (see picture) together and made it to Old Mill Inn together some 15 minutes in front of Victor, Gollum and their respective offspring.
This area is called Chapel le Dale and the Pub is a 18th century building, inside we were greeted by the smiling face of Billy who looked well on his way to being unable to speak like last year.
The Beast joked as I endeavoured to get another picture of Hazel that I would alter the photos when I got them on my computer and remove her clothes.
As I settled down with pint of coke and ice we were joined by Victor, Gollum, Action Man and Victors daughter as well as Rimmer who looked in a bad way and both the latter two at this point quit without attempting the third and final peak.
Stig who had suffered relentless teasing and threats from Rimmer about how he was not going to make it seemed eager to complete the final section and I reached into my jacket for more pro-plus tablets, Luke who had done the walk last year knew what to expect.
So it was just 7 of us, who set off from the Old Hill Inn to tackle the last remaining peak, Inglebrough, who’s summit lied 3½ miles from the pub and this in turn was 5¼ miles from our starting point and finishing point.
Just Victor, Gollum, Action Man, Jamie, Myself, Luke and young Stig walked on through the fields at the back of the pub and past the Braithwaite Wife Hole which was the site of a disused quarry sometime in the past.
We then reached the sharply steep path up to the summit which after yet more proplus tablets I managed to crawl up on all fours, by the time I had got to the top after numerous prayers and encouragement from Victor Meldrew my head was like a washing machine, spinning on caffeine high.
Luke, Jamie and Stig easily navigated up the steep almost rock face while Action Man and Gollum trailed behind us all, upon their arrival, knackered Victor, not giving them time to rest and gather their strength insisted we press on.
A few more hills were ahead of us before we passed through a swing gate which looked like it had one of Gandalfs secret stash bags on the fence nearby and we emerged on to a rocky plateau which in the mist somewhere had the trig point indicating the top of Inglebrough.
Stig thankfully phoned his mum, The Ice Queen at this point to tell her proudly that he and Luke had made it but not failing to enthusiastically tell her that Uncle Rimmer despite all his assurances that he would easily accomplish it, hadn’t and was sat in the pub with “the rest of the people who hadn’t made it” (see picture).
The journey back down the mountain was initiated by Victor who took us completely the wrong way and was severely criticised and cursed by Gollum, whos eyes were nearly popping out of his head as he chastised him.
The walk back is about 5¼ miles however around the halfway mark there is a rather optimistic signpost which indicates that Horton is 1½ miles and this I have learned to ignore since it is completely wrong and gives rise to a disheartening feeling when it is realised that it’s completely wrong.
There is also a small ancient run down cottage and in the distance you can see Pen-y-ghent, the terrain was very muddy and by now all of us were running out of steam as we stumbled back the final few miles.
Finally we made our way through the final fields filled with quizzical looking sheep and across the railway near Horton station back into the village where we had eleven hours earlier set off from.
In the car park we found Rimmer and The Beast sat in the van, while the rest of the group were in the pub causing trouble with the locals.
It was reported that Billy had upset one man who was trying to read his paper by using his phone to play name that tune in order to pass the time a bit.
A bit of a disagreement broke out and Billy was banished from the pub and they were all now in the only other pub in Horton trying to drowned their sorrows.
Gollum got pod on with The Beast because he wanted to be dropped off first on the way home but everyone started laughing when his son, Action Man told him to put his eyes back in.
Me and my crew jumped back into Christine for the journey home of around 40 miles, and by this time a caffeine headache had started to develop and I felt a bit nauseous.
We tried our best not to tease uncle Rimmer too much on the journey back, he had assured us that after many walks along the canal bank in Huddersfield he would complete the walk easily but despite treating his feet to only the finest of creams he had virtually collapsed after just two thirds of the journey complete.
Of course he went home that evening and took out all his frustrations on his poor girlfriend Miss Jiggy who works round the clock to keep a roof over his head and food in his stomach while I spent the night wide awake staring at the ceiling as a result of overdosing on pro plus.
