Skipsea

Well most of us have arrived here at Skipsea, it is Friday 18th July 2008 and we are here with one week of fun and games ahead of us, its 10:25pm and I am sat in the caravan, Dwain Dibbly wants to go to bed but he cant because he says its too noisy.

The reason it is noisy is because we have 3 guys called the “G-Stars” with us called individually “Party Pants” who is 20, “Raving Gay” (18) and “Marky B” (17) and we also have 4 young ladies with us, Herminie (16), Sister Kylie (15), Buttercup (14) and Daffodil (14).

Buttercup is my niece and has accompanied me on all the recent holidays I have had so far while Daffodil is a newcomer who joined us as Buttercups friend on our last holiday of 2007 at Reighton Sands.

I am also accompanied by my son Luke Baggins who is 13 and will be 14 in January, therefore he is at that age where all his hormones are getting messed up, initially his mum, The Ice Queen forbid him to come but after seeking some legal advise which brought to light the 2004 Court Order which granted him 1 holiday per year I took him regardless.

Obviously I am expecting some backlash for this but who cares, surely its more important for Luke to enjoy 1 weeks holiday with his friends than playing around with legal jargon and expensive (for me) solicitors.

The Ice Queen had said Luke was to be returned on Sunday night at 6pm but I gave her a letter and a copy of the court order which explained he would be returned on Sunday 27th July.

Once The Ice Queen gets her claws into things she finds it so hard to let go, even when she is in the wrong, anyway Luke says he feels like a massive weight has been lifted off him, I knew he was getting frustrated and a bit depressed and reckoned this holiday would do him good.

Luke reflects to me and Dwain that he had been good all week at his mums but he doesn’t know why he had bothered because she hadn’t changed her mind about him going and he had saved up £165.

Dwain insists that the Ice Queen as gone feral, he has a long journey again back to Huddersfield to pick up his mum, The Bradley Megaphone and her 3 dogs Snowy, Penny and Yoda.

Due to the noise in the caravan I decide to sleep in the car, my party is not booked until 4pm tomorrow with our tent, we came a day early because I wanted Luke to have a extra days fun when he was going to go back Sunday however now I have decided to keep him for the week anyway its better to be as far away from the Ice Queen as possible.

Before I retire to the car I ask Luke if he wants me to read him a bedtime story first, adding that I have brought with me Hansel & Gretel, Jack and The Beanstalk and The Three Little Pigs the latter being his favourite, he says he is okay so I retire to my car called Christine which is choc a block with camping equipment.

I say my prayers which in typical AA fashion I also say one for The Ice Queen, it takes me a while to get comfy but eventually I do fall asleep and dream that I am trying to put my huge 12 man tent up with a Police Helicopter hovering above it.

Its 9:25am when I wake, I had a surprisingly good nights sleep in car, there were some heavy showers during the night but now just a light wind, Mr Popple, Luke and the four girls have all gone swimming.

I am hoping that the Ice Dragon doesn’t spoil Luke’s holiday by getting him taken back, he seems really happy the best I have seen him for ages.

I am told by Raving Gay that I can’t book in for our tent until 4pm and I have got to pretend to be Dwain Dibbly, since the holiday was booked in his name with my name featuring high up on the barred list after my last drink back in 2004.

Its all a daze now but some bits of memories do remain such has waking on the cliff edge having wet myself, wrecking the caravan and being unable to drive back home when it was time to go, after that holiday I quit drinking and joined the AA, never having drunk alcohol again.

Anyway if I am Dwain Dibbly it should make it a little more difficult if police come looking for Luke plus I will keep my phone switched off and charged, I am fed up of these bloody pigeons which were fluttering all night in the hedge next to my car.

Well we got tent up in between really heavy showers and the ducks have been in for a visit, I am just going to make a burger, I think, I have phoned my mum to say I am keeping my phone switched off I feel quite happy if a little wet

Luke who has just been helping me has now gone swimming again with my mate Dwain Dibbly’s son Mr Popple.

At pitch No62 Raving Gay is busy erecting his tent which is actually my old tent which he borrowed, you can smell from quite some distance away the sweet aroma of Skunk weed cannabis, Raving Gay has also borrowed one of my spare camping burners and a spare camping bed.

I decide to make my way back to my mansion to cook a burger which I am helped to eat by another invasion of the Raptors (ducks), I cannot believe that just 5 cheese slices from the shop in the complex costs 79p.

After my burger I decide to enjoy some peace and read for a while but I am soon joined by my good friend Dwain Dibbly who tells me that Dominating Donna, Buttercup and Mr Popple’s mum has gone to Greece for the week and when her new baby is born called “Chucky”, when they go to get him baptised the water is going to boil, he also mentions that his mum has bought some “special” pens ready to play bingo tonight.

As the distant rumbles of thunder can be heard I realise I have forgotten my shaver and will probably look like David Bellamy by the end of the Holiday, Raving Gay arrives in Dibbly’s car with the barrier to the campsite embedded in the bumper and Dwain cracks open a can of Skol Super strength exclaiming with his usual drunk grin that he is going to give his pancreas some hammer this holiday.

On my way to the shop to buy some Razors and some more bread I decide to pop into the caravan where Dwain Dibbly is busy teasing “The Rat – From I am Legend”, his mum The Bradley Megaphones ancient dog who also has a look of Yoda in the film Return Of The Jedi when he was on his deathbed

We decide to shake up the G-Stars buds which are on the table expecting them to fizz all over when they get opened however it doesn’t work, I have a lengthily discussion with Party Pants about our common complaint of having piles, he shows me the cream he has been using but doubts I will find any in the site shop

After my shower which were crap because you needed to keep your hands pressed on the button in order to keep the luke warm water flowing I head of to my nights early entertainment with the Bradley Megaphone for a session of bingo I wonder where Dwain Dibbly gets it from with The Bradley Megaphone knocking back lager and blacks

At about 11pm I head over to “The Sunshine Sparkle Club”, where people have happy faces all the time, on the dance floor some fat ugly women are bouncing around

Luke is busy pulling the ladies he’s got his wad, and is talking to sister Kylie, but Sandra Bullock is fighting for him now, Raving Gay has been giving him a few tips in pulling the women – now he’s moved on Luke comes back with bubbly pop with straw

Its “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” says Dwain who seems quite inebriated adding that the scores are; Mr Popple 1, Luke 4, Raving Gay 0, Party Pants 0, I aint got a clue what Dwain is talking about

By 11pm, I am back at tent for some peace I cannot believe it cost £5.68 for two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and Sandra Bullock only give me £3.50, feel quite tired now

Luke would be going back tomorrow; he looks embarrassed at me being with him

In all a good day, great to have so many people here and its huge this tent.

At around midnight Raving Gay comes storming into the tent asking Luke if he had any condoms, I don’t think Luke knew what he was talking about, then half an hour later he came back to ask if Luke had a belt

It must have been 3am when I got to sleep, Party Pants decided to start driving his van around the site obviously really drunk and playing his Gangster music at full volume, there then followed lots of shouting which kept me and probably everyone else in the tents awake.

Sunday morning I was filled in by Buttercup what last nights commotion was all about apparently Raving Gay “banged” a man and threatened to pull his lips off because he was whistling at Buttercup and Daffodil on the way back to the tent.

He then took a member of the female staff back to his tent for a different sort of bang that he had done to the guy and realised he had no condoms so had asked Luke if he had any thinking Luke was more advanced that what he was.

Meanwhile Party Pants had got so drunk that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing, he had then driven his van over to the tent to play his music, how they hadn’t got kicked off I don’t know.

When I arrived at the caravan Sunday morning I told Party Pants that he was a very naughty boy but talk about the pot calling the kettle black, wind back time four years to my last drink in 2004 and I would of made him look like the proverbial angel.

After waiting for a few hours for The Bradley Megaphone to get ready we headed off to Skirlington Market, well the girls, Odd Shoe, Megaphone and Dwain; Luke and the G-Stars went swimming instead

Just come back from Skirlington Market bought a book about 2nd World War from a man who looked like he was in it, a set of bowls for £15 for my brother Alan Titchmarsh, a new body warmer jacket, an extension for our in tent plug, yet another new light and 2 glass angels

Dwain Dibbly purchased 1 pair of mucky jeans plus two Xbox games which don’t work on his son Mr Popples Xbox 360 and an old bathroom closet, all he summed up generally useless items.

I have just phoned my mum, Battyeford Lill up and been told my brother Alan Titchmarsh is getting better and today he is even cutting the hedge, Buttercup has got £40 left, Daffodil has got £70 left and Luke definitely doesn’t want to go home tonight

Oh yes the Raptors have just been for another visit to see if there was any more spare food knocking about, one has pooed near opening to Buttercup and Daffodils bedroom.

Its pure serenity and peace here in my huge tent, I am reading all about the 2nd World War, its hard to believe all this suffering took place long before I was even born, the most I have to worry about is the Ice Queen wanting Luke back tonight, but she hasn’t phoned or anything, surely she will be up to something to get revenge for me taking Luke on Holiday.

Raving Gay, Marky B and Party Pants have gone to the nudist beach just up the road from here to play a game of Frisbee with their male friends they have met earlier in the day, apparently while Raving Gay was playing he fell over and accidentally impregnated another innocent Frisbee player.

Marky B and Party Pants had to get some lubricating oil to free him, I have been told all this gossip over at the Caravan, No278 after buying all the young ladies two bottles of Brandy from the site shop.

Other news is that Buttercup has dumped The Sorcerers Apprentice, her long term boyfriend and is now in the girls’ room being comforted by Sister Kylie; no one can understand why she is the one crying when she did the dumping.

It is 8:10pm on Sunday night and I am in the happy bunny club because there is no bingo tonight, I can’t believe that a bottle of J2O what I drink costs £1.95 in here whereas it’s only £1.15 in the bingo club.

On the stage is Mr Sparky with all the younger children sat down at the front near the dancefloor, Luke doesn’t want to join them though, the dressed up cartoon like rabbits are asking the kids who framed Sparky rabbit and we are all watching the show hypnotised, we being The G-Stars, Dwain (who says Sparky is on drugs), Myself and The Bradley Megaphone.

It seems there is Bingo on after all because I am now sat in the Bingo club while The Bradley Megaphone is talking to her dog back at home in Huddersfield on her mobile, I feel really weird, I think it is lack of sleep due to Party Pants making all that noise last night, we don’t win at Bingo for another night but we do have a real good chat with Aunty Betty who lives here all year round.

After Bingo I go back to Mr Sparky’s entertainment centre and end up dancing to Like A Virgin after telling the others that I wasn’t going out on the dancefloor unless Madonna was played, Raving Gay is having a game of “hide the sausage” with a guy who looks like Andy Peters from CBBC, a bloke we have named The Chocolate Escalator.

This brings to an end the activities for Sunday and I get a fantastic night sleep on my camp bed with my new pillow which I bought, I dream that I am driving this huge HGV wagon along Dalton Bank Road and there isn’t much room for it?

Monday morning and the Raptors have just been in the tent again looking for their breakfast, this time one of them did a really smelly poo in one of Buttercup’s shoes, We then ventured over to Bridlington to get some shopping and Dwain nearly run out of petrol searching for a forecourt that hasn’t closed down and gone out of business.

At about 3:50 pm I phoned my dad Wonderwood who told me he was out on his mobility scooter and was hijacked by a couple of gypsies who demanded he paid then £3500 for the work they did on his roof.

Of course my dad hadn’t had any work done on his roof and they were after a quick bit of cash and saw him as a easy target, after escorting him into the woods that separates Deighton and Bradley they eventually let him go free and left empty handed but that wasn’t before they assisted him back on to the road.

He said he felt strangely calm throughout the ordeal and hasn’t bothered contacting the police because they probably have better things to do like catching speeding motorists.

“Frigid as f*ck and he will never get a bang out of her”, Luke who has just come to realise that his willy isn’t just used for weeing doesn’t seem too bothered about this.

Its Monday evening and I am sat in the caravan watching Police Camera Action, someone says that this is where Odd Shoes learned to drive by watching things like this, another enthralling night at Mr Sparkles Happy Clean Family Sunshine club beckons to us, Luke is hanging around with his brothers in the hood and Raving Gay has given Luke a few tips because it has become general knowledge that he has seen his girlfriends Potatoes and reckons she has a right set of spuds.

Dwain Dibbly has got a Spiky Sunshine Club badge and reckons it will get him discount at Tescos or if he is stopped by police just showing the badge will pardon any crimes.

I am now at the club and have just finished dancing to Madonna’s fantastic recent No1 called “4 Minutes”, but apart from us lot and half a dozen others the club is largely empty, I have not developed a dance routine yet for 4 Minutes but everyone in our party enjoyed the performance which Luke caught on video.

Day 5 of "Gangsta's Paradise"

It’s Tuesday and we have just returned from Bridlington, Luke stayed behind to meet his girlfriend, on our way to Bridlington we called at “Strawberry Fields” car boot sale which I bought a new miniature TV.

In Bridlington we had a good look round all the shops, Buttercup bought a bong for her boyfriend, The Sorcerers Apprentice back in Huddersfield which was where the G-Stars went last night to score some more “stuff”.

Sandra Bullock has run out of money having just £1 left after spending most of her savings in the amusements and Party Pants has just been to my tent destitute and starving and eaten a few burgers and sausages, In Bridlington I bought a hat which imitated a traffic cone and a new pair of trousers which is easier than going to the on site laundrette.

After Bridlington we have had a great time down on the beach, everyone came except Odd Shoe, Bradley Megaphone and Luke who was busy with his new girlfriend. Raving Gay bought a dinghy for £11.99 from the site shop; it was awkward to get down to the beach with all the coastal erosion which has now eaten most of the road that used to run from Skipsea to the next village Ulrome.

The sky was that gorgeous shade of blue, the sun was blazing and the water was warm, who needs to go to Spain to enjoy the sea, I got capsized on the dingy by a 5 foot wave and then left Buttercup, Sandra and Daffodil playing in the dingy so I could go back and retrieve my camera from Dwain Dibbly to get some good shots of Raving Gay, Marky B and Party Pants.

After the beach it was back to my 12 man tent to enjoy some minty lamb burgers I had bought from Tescos earlier and Buttercup and Daffodil had a number of egg sarnies, I reckoned my trip into the sea would do in replacement of a shower.

Soon Dwain Dibbly came over to my tent for his usual late afternoon chat; he explained to Buttercup that when she got back home she would be having a meeting with her mum Dominating Donna and her sort of step dad Silverback.

It will be about some new amendments to the big rule book and Silverback will sit on his usual chair which resembles a throne being much higher than the rest of the chairs round the table.

Looking across to my neighbour at my tent who is situated across the access road, we burst into hysterical laughter because his belly is huge yet he is busy barbequing more burgers, Dwain says his name is “Roy”

Its about 8pm on Tuesday and me, Odd Shoe and The Bradley Megaphone have just been into the Bingo club but it was all dark in there so I went into the tap room to find out what time the bingo started, I was asked if I was “tonight’s turn” and then the barman who looked like “The Fonz”, burst out laughing, I had forgotten that all this time I had been wearing my traffic cone hat.

Its now much later in the evening, Dwain has been round with some of his cannabis, I rolled him a huge 5 paper joint using his king size rizlas and I just could not resist having a couple of drags on it, you see being an alcoholic means I cannot use alcohol to socialise.

I was immediately hit by a wave of paranoia and I couldn’t move, I was listening to Dwain Dibbly like he was a deity, and I just daren’t venture out to happy spiky entertainment night.

A hungry Party Pants then turned up to join me and Dwain in the tent saying he felt like a nonce sat on his own in the club, I don’t think he had eaten in ages because he wolfed down a tin of ravioli, 5 sausages, 3 packs of crisps and a number of chocolate bars.

I felt really strange and really self conscious, I think the streetwise G-Stars call this a “whitey”; I had to retire to my pod, I could hear them all chatting outside my curtain about how I embarrassed Luke with his new girlfriend by turning up in the amusements with my traffic bollard hat on and trying to take their picture and Buttercup said she had heard reports of this weirdo wondering around with a traffic cone hat taking photos.

I decided to change my image very soon and give Marky B the traffic cone hat as a present, soon discussions changed to ghost stories and I needed a wee with all the coke I had drank, as the story which Raving Gay was telling the girls reached its scary climax I emerged from my bedroom terrifying the girls.

Eventually everyone wondered off back to the caravan but Mr Poppel chose to stay in the tent along with Luke as he would for the rest of the holiday, soon I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

I am woke up Wednesday morning by the heat in the tent, its like a Furness and I am drenched in sweat, you see tents don’t have any air conditioning, if its cold outside its cold inside, if its red hot outside its red hot inside.

Today we are going to visit Bempton Cliffs, Luke wants to go as well, he says he is fed up of playing “happy husbands”, when we eventually arrive there Dwain discovers it wasn’t exactly the place he had in mind, it was actually a bird sanctuary full of ornithologists with their cameras.

After a brief walk down to the cliffs we headed over to Flamborough lighthouse where we left Bradley Megaphone and Odd Shoe who is in a wheelchair to go find something to eat and Buttercup and Dandelion sunbathing while the rest of us walked down into the bay below.

I sat on the rocks watching Party Pants, Luke, Dwain, Marky B, Mr Poppel and Raving Gay exploring the multitude of rock pools and Raving Gay even had a poo in one of them, it’s a lovely sunny day and feels a pleasure to be alive, at the top of the steps looms the old lighthouse, keeping ships safe for many, many years.

When I catch up with Dwain again he says this beats being back at home in potato mansion talking with his good neighbour Bozzy about their roses or general gardening over the fence that divides there gardens.

We are back at camp, indeed my tent seems to have become an increasingly more popular venue for the masses, no longer can I enjoy the peace and tranquillity of reading my book on the 2nd World War, I am now surrounded by hungry people all waiting for Buttercup to cook her Beef Rogan Josh Curry.

Dwain is of course sat in his chair with his ever present can of super-duper lager, across the access road fat Roy is sunbathing with big round huge belly full of burgers and in the tent Party Pants is assisting Buttercup in the art of curry making.

I still keep finding things utterly amazing, my guess is it’s the after effects of that smoke last night, hey up Roy across the road has got up and wobbled over to his car, Dwain reckons he is probably going to buy more burgers.

Our tent has got loads of insect occupants, I bought some fly spray earlier in the week to kill off the masses of flies, now we have hoards of tiny little spiders and Party Pants reckons some of them may have found their way into Buttercups Rogan Josh which incidentally tastes of charcoal because she over-fried the beef.

Party Pants certainly has eaten well round at my tent, it’s a wonder when we were in the sea yesterday some wildlife fanatics hadn’t turned up with a tug boat and towed him out to sea thinking he was a beached whale.

Buttercups compartment of the tent is like a Tardis, Sandra Bullock, beautiful Sister Kylie, Herminie, Buttercup, Daffodil and this other young lad and lass have all so far entered its confines.

Its later on Wednesday evening now and I am in the Bingo Club with Odd Shoe and Bradley Megaphone, Odd Shoe is showing off his lovely tanned legs, we are doing this quiz and have been asked the following question…

“If 10 oranges costs the same as 2 lots of 3 lemons and 4 limes costs the same as 3 oranges, also 3 limes cost 81p how much does one lemon cost?”

At least my degree in Physics wasn’t wasted, I correctly reason that one lemon is 60p but we aren’t doing too well generally, in fact we eventually get the lowest score of 28 out of 60 which is appropriate for me having the dunce hat on in the form of a traffic cone.

When they hand out the booby prize the entertainer says, “it wasn’t a fancy dress but this blokes come dressed up anyway”, and gave us a T-shirt which I gave to Odd Shoe.

After another non win at the Bingo I head over to Mr Sparky’s for another crazy night, there was so much going on at once I could hardly keep track of it all, one minute when Madonna’s “4 Minutes” came on and I went for my dance Raving Gay was arguing with this bloke who went on to ruin part of my dance routine by keep getting in the way.

Next minute I was outside watching the G-Stars arguing with the security blokes outside the club, I had to retrieve my traffic cone hat before it got covered in blood.

Anyway its 12:10am now and I feel really tired out, all this craziness is making me dizzy, I have left Luke to wonder home on his own, he has grown up more this holiday than ever and its good to see.

Its Thursday morning and I am filled in what all the trouble was about the day before, apparently this bloke who has been feuding with Raving Gay since he got head butted by him earlier in the week stood up on the bench outside the club and did a impression from the film “Titanic” with a “Stig” T Shirt on and this annoyed Raving Gay causing an argument to break out which was broken up by the security.

The Bradley Megaphone is doing lots of “tutting” this morning as a result as we prepare for our day out to Strawberry Fields car boot sale, on the way there I listen to DJ Undecided in my whip (Street-talk for car apparently).

We have just all returned from Strawberry fields Car Boot sale and I have bought a load of “Gangster” clothes because I reckon if you cant beat em why not join em, we then had a hour or so in Bridlington where Herminie poo-ed her knickers and Buttercups head popped off, at least that is what is written in my notes but I suspect I was just being silly when I wrote it.

I have just been informed by the “Game” warden that there has been a number of complaints about the people camping at pitch No62, reports of swearing and shouting about drugs coming from the ladies toilets.

I tell the bloke with his radio that just because people come with me does not mean I am responsible for them and ask him if he wants me to put a sign up adjacent to my pitch saying “No Chunging Round This Tent”.

It looks like I might have to find another name to come under next year, it seems Dwain Dibbly along with Mad Mick is mud round these parts, the real Dwain says my pseudonym Dwain is worse than that “Schofa” with his whisky.

The Game warden is still hanging around the vicinity of my tent with his combat gear on and his sedative rifle, we think he maybe hunting for Raving Gay, meanwhile Herminie is sat watching Roy at the nearby tent and she is drooling over his huge belly the way she swoons over Marky B in fact she promises me and Dwain that she will express her true feelings for Marky B tonight.

Because I am Dwain Dibbly for the purposes of officialdom and security at the site, the real Dwain Dibbly says if the Game Warden asks who he is he is going to reply “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I am but I like it”, he adds when the Game Warden asked when I was leaving I should of replied 6 weeks!

“Are you from Afghanistan” says the bloke at the door to the club as I enter for another nights exciting bingo dressed in my new Gangster outfit.

We are entertained in the Bingo Club by a guy resembling the lead singer from Status Quo, he sings “Smoke gets in your eyes” but it doesn’t anymore because everyone has to go outside for their ciggies, I am glad I am on Niccorette Gum and Pineapple and Orange J2O.

Has our entertainer does a fantastic rendition of “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol we are joined by Dwain Dibbly and the three G-Stars who have all been banned from Mr Sparky’s entertainment centre and instead of happy faces they look devastated.

Of course towards the end of Thursday night everyone is drawn to my tent in a last ditched effort to escape the evil forces which have aligned themselves against us, particularly the G-Stars as me and all the girls are still allowed in Sparky’s.

By 12:30am everybody is stoned and Dwain has staggered off after getting confused as to the whereabouts of the door to the tent, we are listening to what I reckon was the holiday anthem, “Black & Gold” by Sam Sparrow which is heavily featured on the accompanying DVD to this story.

Raving Gay reckons I need a pair of Nike Airmax OTMs to go with my new urban image, by 1:22am everyone has gone and I am left just a little stoned and my mind like the insides of a spinning washing machine, a combination of too many cans of coke and the small amount of cannabis which was I am told was “good stuff” scored from the backstreets of Bridlington.

I look back over the holiday we have had and I have seen sides of people that I have never before met, I do hope Raving Gay and the rest of the G-Stars are allowed in Sparky’s tomorrow after all it will be our last night for another year and we have already reserved next years holiday.

I reckon in my younger years I missed out a lot in my late teens, I was too busy studying for exams than doing what I should have been doing, like exploring female anatomy, I don’t want Luke to end up a complete geek like me.

Well I guess its time for bed now but my mind is still churning round and round, it won’t shut down.

Friday morning arrives and Dwain Dibbly comes round to the tent to tell me there is a “sombre” mood in the caravan as The Bradley Megaphones ancient little dog, The rat from “I am legend” who I thought resembled Yoda on his deathbed in “Return Of The Jedi” has died.

Dwain who says people can call him simply “Bob” says he feels emotionally drained and as soon as he gets back to Huddersfield he is going to need a therapist, in fact he is wondering if they have any bereavement councillors on site.

With tears in his eyes he recollects that only yesterday he threw a ball and watched the little chappie run for it and retrieve it, he adds that he might go down near the barrier in the bushes to have a little weep.

So our first job for Friday morning is to go bury Yoda but none of us have got a shovel to dig a hole on the beach so I go into the reception area and asks one of the ladies in there if they know anyone who can help.

They are horrified with my idea of burial on the beach saying that its quite possible that some unsuspecting little kid could come along and dig him up which will be quite an ordeal, so she gives me the telephone number for Bridlington RSPCA.

I and Dwain decided to opt for burial at sea so we went down with the camera to execute a full funeral service complete with hymns and prayers however every time we threw the bin liner out to sea containing Yoda’s little body the sea brought it back again.

In the end we put the bag inside a pile of rocks that once constituted part of the sea wall and placed more rocks into the opening to seal him in, we then walked back to the caravan our steps much slower that they had been in the past out of respect for his little life, Yoda had now gone to doggie heaven where bones are plentiful and no one teases or tortures you anymore.

Once the sadness has passed we head off to Hornsea Mere to spend our last afternoon on the boats, Bradley Megaphone, Odd Shoe and Dwain stay on dry land as me and the 5 girls venture out on the lake taking turns at rowing.

Rowing to the other side of the lake was easy but as we head back with Sandra directing and Daffodil and Buttercup rowing the wind is against us, Sister Kylie claims to be experiencing seasickness as the boat bobs around on the water.

Herminie tells me that Raving Gays reaction to the death of Yoda this morning was met with the classic line “Oh great one down another 5 to go” because Bradley Megaphone being a big dog lover has 5 other dogs and two of them with us still here at Skipsea.

On return from Hornsea, I enjoy a trip in Dwain’s Whip with the G-Stars to try and score some more “bens”, but their source has been locked up so it doesn’t look like anyone is getting chunged tonight.

I enjoy a fish and chip tea near the sea, looking out and reflecting over our holiday, I reckon its been the best holiday we have ever had, the weather changed to sunshine everyone had a great time and Luke was at that age where he saw the next stage of his life when his willy would get a new purpose other than having a pee-pee.

I think in the last 4 years I have come along way since the only person who would have been at my funeral in 2004 would be the man who owned the local off licence in Bradley called Mr Sharma, now I might have a dozen or even more.

I walk back slowly to the tent and notice that there is a heavy presence of security guards outside Mr Sparky’s who all keep glancing at their watch waiting for the G-Stars to arrive at the door.

Friday evening me and Dwain spend a hour or so in Mr Sparky’s but its boring there without Party Pants telling us all how a Jackhammer Subwoofer is louder than a Boeing 747 on takeoff or Raving Gay strutting his cool moves round the dancefloor getting an army of both female and male admirers because as we all suspected they are still barred.

So once again we all find ourselves in my tent for the last evening, making our own entertainment, Raving Gay brings back a couple of scouse girls to the tent, one of which Luke uses as a seat while the other one and Raving Gay get up to unspeakable things in Buttercups Pod.

Sister Kylie, who I reckon is the most sensible and mature of all the girls gives me the nickname “Ali G” with my new urban image, I have earlier in the day packed up most of the camping paraphernalia with only the essential items remaining for Saturday morning.

Soon Saturday arrives and we all return back to our home of Huddersfield, as Dwain says to sum up our visit…

We came we saw we conquered…

We put the Great back into Great Britain…

Well I guess until next year we must go back to our ordinary boring lives once again...