Skipsea

Sleighing The Demon

August 12th 2006 was my first visit to Skipsea sands on holiday since I got hopelessly drunk nearly 2 years prior and ended up in AA admitting I was an alcoholic and thereby committing myself never to drink alcohol again for as long as I live.

Skipsea sands was my breaking point where the demon finally took over me and brought me to my knees so it was with great reluctance that I returned luckily The Magic Pixies, My Higher Power, 4 Doggies and 12 other humans accompanied me to forever sleigh that demon that seemed to always fill my dreams.

Anyway so I am here in Skipsea having a lovely bit of peace sat in my tent, its 4:45 on Day 1, Saturday and I have just scoffed my fish and chips, outside it is rainy and windy.

I have just returned from where The Gangster, Hermanie, The Bradley Megaphone, Werewolf, Jaws and Marcus Deponicus are staying and the memories have come flooding back like bullets and to top it all off The Gangster has settled in for the night with his Stryke Super and I just cant sit there with him, I am scared.

I sneaked off by going for a walk with The Bradley Megaphone and Werewolf and when the wolf jumped off a cliff and ran off on to the beach and The Bradley Megaphone kept going because she was cold I sneaked back to my lovely tent so I could be on my own away from the terrifying demon.

Only problem is Luke is at the amusements with Flid and Squeaky is with the girls enjoying her freedom so I have retreated back to the tent all lonely well Miss Boley is with me but she is at the moment fast asleep.

You know I might, well I will have to venture out again, probably about 7pm when they start all wondering where I have gone – if only they all knew what goes on in this crazy mind of mine.

The Ice Queen has just sent me a text enquiring if we have all arrived okay, replied along the lines of Luke playing with Flid and Squeaky in the madhouse caravan what I have just escaped from and am now sat panting in my tent.

I have weird feelings going through my mind about what to do tonight, when people say surely you can have one drink they just don’t understand – I feel like an alien!

Well I did it I am back in the mad caravan, The Gangster is talking about dodgy deals and something about a secret plantation that I must keep off the record, Luke has gone swimming and now The Gangster is barking at the dogs before continuing the conversation that I have somehow found myself in… “You went really downhill after The Ice Queen but the Ticking Bomb totally lost it cos he has no mates… This bad to the bone image is hard to live up to, I don’t want a dumb girl to go to bed with I want a girl to have conversations with on cold winter nights…”

The conversation is interrupted by Luke and Flid returning from swimming so I rush after Luke to take some photos of him while he is getting changed somehow avoiding standing on these two poor rats who are walking about the floor bumping into things.

I have just been out to the club and two bouncers were on the door, one of them said “Hi” to me so they mustn’t remember me, we bumped into Hermanie, Stamp off, Squeaky and Wirral and they all looked really stunning dressed up, Squeaky looked like that princess off the film never ending story.

They were all very interested in the photo I had on my camera of Luke getting changed but I don’t think Luke was too happy about me showing them it since he later deleted it.

I have just bought a couple of bottles of coke from the amusements so I have something to drink while I sit in the caravan and listen to the Gangster talk and my god after a few super strength lagers he doesn’t half talk here he goes again…

“Oh them rats they are worth about £150 each but if they were puppies they would be worth twice that and I would be in a posh hotel in Bridlington, when you disappeared I thought you had gone and got yourself a bottle and be sulking somewhere, I have got to get used to you being un-alcoholic… If I ate as much as you and Captain Caveman I would be an alcoholic as well I mean why would I want cocaine and stay awake all night listening to them dumb dogs woofing all the time.

Anyway I have given my double bed up so Werewolf and Jaws can use it has a passion wagon”

And on he goes but I take a sneak look at The East Riding Mail and on the front page is the headlines MAD MICK IS BACK I read on …

Mad Mick was spotted today entering Skipsea, he was also seen near the chip shop which he terrorised 2 years previously, a police spokesperson today said they are taking the rumours extremely seriously…

On the front of the paper is a picture of me squatting, with my panties round my knees and my arse in the breeze enjoying a poo with a bottle of whiskey in my hand…

I must have dropped off for a bit while sat in the red hot caravan listening to the Gangster rabbiting on but he doesn’t notice that I have been off with the fairies in boo boo land dreaming since he is still talking as I come round and Werewolf has returned after another night on the kill, “The Werewolf is in a wibbly wobbly world of his own, so much so he cannot even say wibbly wobbly”

It was a bad night last night in the tent after I eventually got home from my first nights visit to The Gangsters Wibbly Wobbly World (as it became subsequently known for the rest of the holiday).

Miss Boley is missing pussycat.

Luke has just taken Miss Boley out for a wee.

I didn’t dream properly last night anyway today we are off to Skirlington Market but first I could really do with a wash and a cup of tea plus maybe a bite to eat.

On venturing outside on my hands and knees getting my kneecaps soaked in the puddles I discover that the windbreak has broken, in the force of last night’s strong winds one of the poles has broke.

Luke says we ought to get a job testing tents out to see how waterproof they are.

After a successful visit to Skirlington Market which I had the honour of taking all the young ladies in my car I am back at my tent, its 10 to 3 and the rain has finally stopped.

I have purchased some more pans and plates from the Market so I don’t have to do the washing up as often, sadly The Gangster had backache, Luke and The Flid have gone swimming after a brief argument about some Yu-Di-Oh cards which Luke picked up on a stall cheap, in fact Yu-Di-Oh cards were to feature quite a bit during this holiday.

Around my camp on Day 2 it is deserted – everyone has gone home possibly due to the awful weather, The Bradley Megaphone could not believe how we survived last night she expected us to come knocking on the caravan doors in the wee hours of the morning.

She does not know obviously how hardened campers me and Luke are, we still share recollections of that arduous trek from camp 5 to camp 6 up Snowdon earlier on in the year.

Back at the caravan later The Gangster is just entering “wibbly wobbly world”, I know this because he has just remarked that Yoda from star wars is probably gay, but the poor guy is in agony, nothing to do with the beer though but something to do with a fight he had some 10 months ago.

We are all watching Airplane II, Luke and Flid are playing Yu-Di-Oh cards and Luke says he is going to smoke Flid with his, anyway tonight to avoid being around The Gangster drinking excessively I have decided to accompany The Bradley Megaphone and Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus to the club to take part in Bingo.

At the club doors the Hawk is busy collecting his 50p’s and I tell him that I don’t drink which obviously prompts the question “why is it your health?” no I reply I am an alcoholic…

“I take my hat off to you!” he exclaims “It takes some courage to admit that!”.

Sadly Luke and Flid could not accompany me into the club since they were banned the previous evening for opening the fire doors.

Inside is Jaws, who is Werewolf’s pregnant girlfriend; apparently Jaws lost her watch the previous evening because she threw it into the sea. Also The Bradley Megaphone and Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus is here playing bingo.

Jaws isn’t allowed to play Bingo, what a daft country I think England is when someone is too young to play bingo or purchase soft drinks at the bar but old enough in Gods eyes to get pregnant and bring another incarnation out of the force.

Marcus Deponicus exclaims as I get seated that he has got AIDS, “walking Aids” he adds laughing and he has also got a cat called “willy”.

The Bradley Megaphone laughs that she sometimes gets strange looks off visitors to her house when she asks Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus if he has got his willy in.

Anyway it was my first introduction to the game of Bingo and I must admit I enjoyed the experience very much, I did 5 books at once, I might even start going with my mum and all the rest of the coffin dodges on the bingo bus every night, well maybe not.

Back at the caravan we find out that Wirral, Hermanie and Stamp-off all fancy the same boy called “Super stud” and this is causing a few problems in the friendship that exists between them, it is even reported to me that Stamp-off is going home!

The Gangster is still sat in the corner chatting more to himself than anyone who is in the chaos that surrounds him about the “authentic wooden beam, which runs along the roof of the caravan”.

Marcus used to want to kill me before he had his accident in 1987, he used to drive a mini metro which had characteristics similar to Stephen Kings Christine however The Gangster remarks it couldn’t have been the car since it fell in bits when he acquired it afterwards.

Anyway that brings to an end to Day 2 and me and Luke once again drive back down the dark lane to our tent, I ask Luke in passing if he is missing his mum, The Ice Queen.

Luke says “I love my mum but in Deighton you never say that you love your mum because its not good for your street cred and before you start I cant be bothered with girls cos the cost loads of money”

Day 3 it was decided by someone we were going to visit Bridlington a place where The Gangster lived for a short while around 1992 and for his entire stay of six months he survived on half a tin of beans.

All the Bradley Young Girls went straight to the fun fayre followed by Me, Luke, Werewolf, Jaws, Flid and The Gangster who was in severe pain and had been since he got up at 4am and had a pain-killer – but I may add the pain was nothing to do with the quantity of beer he had been drinking for the past 2 days.

I tried to comfort The Gangster as we stood in the freezing cold watching our crew playing on The Waltzer, The Teacups, The Waterlog, The Bumper Cars (sorry dodgems now – no bumping), This thing that went upside down so everyone lost there money, The Hollywood and The Simulator but it was no use he kept moaning that he was poorly so in the end we went and had a cup of tea.

Miss Boley had a bit of sausage and a prawn that was lying around then me and the Gangster hit the shops after checking that our respective sons were safe under the care of Werewolf (who had eaten the night before) and Jaws (who had also eaten the night before).

The Gangster enjoyed visiting a whole variety of shops and was particularly interested in a shop that sold bibles, he also shared with me a secret lust he has for the coronation street actor who plays the character Betty Turpin.

We bought two BB guns from one shop for our respective siblings which looked the part equipped with lasers and sights, as we were buying them we jokingly told the asian shop keeper we were planning to do a job on Natwest.

He replied “No bloody hell you shood do Barclays plenty good money there”.

On returning to the caravan after being deafened by all the young pretty ladies we presented our siblings with the two guns and Luke said he would have to keep it at my house since if it went to his mums house it would most likely end up in the bin.

I am back at my tent again for a bit of peace and to bring all my newly acquired merchandise, I have got some speakers for my mp3 player, some rock (vodka flavour for my brother the ticking bomb), a watch for my mum and some Tupperware to put my batteries in.

I have just made my tea, comprising of Garlic Chicken and beans and done all the washing up, I have also texted Fubuman to see if he was coming down to join our holiday and he has texted back…

“Just gota sort summat let u know asap”

Now I am sat in the tent, I might have a cuppa soon before heading back to Skipsea sands to join the others, don’t really know where Luke is staying tonight cos he is on about spending the night in the caravan and has for Squeaky I have hardly seen her.

The sun is finally coming out as I settle down to meditate, I see the future, which is always in motion but I know tomorrow will be the best day weather wise, I also feel a small disturbance in the force around September time though I cannot make it out I feel it concerns someone close to me.

As I walk to the club I can feel an powerful urge to go to the shop and get a bottle of whisky, I don’t know where it came from, but I pray out load to my higher power much to the strange looks I get from other holidaymakers but just as I was taught in the AA.

“Ben, Ben hear me please, stop me from going to the shop”, and it just passes, I am not sure if it was a act of divine intervention or in my case Ben Kenobi coming from the force but the feeling goes just as quickly as it came and I head off to the club with renewed vigour.

At the club I phone my dad, The Stealth Bomber and give him a quick resume of my holiday so far, I don’t go into as much detail as I do in these pages but just enough for him not to worry that this holiday is going to be a repeat of that Holiday from hell two years ago.

There is an act on tonight a guy who reached No20 in X Factor out of nearly 100,000 entries and he is now singing an Elkie Brookes song followed by some Tom Jones, at this point Jaws joins us all looking radiant in her white low cut dress, she seems a sensible girl, I just hope that Werewolf has the sense to hang on to her.

entertainer has he dances around pretending to be Tinky Winky, I almost feel embarrassed for him and come to the conclusion that I will stick with my despatch job for now anyway.

The next song is “All That Matters To Me” by Curtis Stiger and for this he gets hair laquer out and pretends his hands are stuck to the microphone and finally he ends his first act with “I Believe” which he says was probably covered by 94 people.

You don’t have to get p*ssed to be p*ssed because in my notebook here I have written that the guy has gone down a trapdoor and now on stage Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus is doing a striptease act and Jaws is in ecstasy watching the spectacle.

I get back to the caravan after the bingo to discover the legendary superstud has been spotted and werewolf and Jaws have disappeared.

So the end of day 3 beckons, I ask Luke about his feelings for Wirral and he gets a bit cross with me indicating that I have hit the nail right on the head.

“My stupid dad thinks he can go about writing down what anybody says” he shouts indignantly at me at the camp site and all around tent lights pop on clearly awakened by our nocturnal return once again.

By day 4 people have got wind amongst our crew that I am carrying a little notebook with me and I am writing everything down that is funny or noteworthy so as a result I am being fed all the gossip.

So as I reach the caravan Tuesday morning someone who wishes to remain anonymous (but has big floppy ears and jumps around everywhere) tells me that Jaws and Werewolf had sex on the beach last night and werewolf came home in the early hours mysteriously covered in mud.

Hermanie says that all her crew spent the night doing Karaoke singing Britney Spears and Black Eyed Peas, Squeaky had a stab at Mariah Carey but she couldn’t sing it properly, Luke kissed Jodi and Stamp-off slapped Superstud.

Stamp-off tells me everyone in the caravan was awoken at about 5 am when Werewolf and Jaws were arguing over a can of pop and also that an ugly boy with a big nose and bog eyes came over and asked Squeaky out, Oh yes and finally Luke tells me Roberts stepbrother said Werewolf was gay because he had a pink phone.

After early morning gossip we all get in the respective cars for our scheduled visit to Hornsea calling first at Hornsea Market where I spend nearly £2 for a pay and display ticket only to find out that the market was closed.

We then went on to visit Hornsea Mere which dominating Hornsea the magnificent mere, a natural relic of the Ice Age measures 2 miles long by one mile wide with an average depth of 7’6” and covers 324 acres.

There is also a café there, which was in The Bradley Megaphones words… “Bloody expensive, £8 for some cups of tea and a few buns”, she was also embarrassed at the activities of certain young ladies enjoying there condiments.

Werewolf and Jaws are at the moment arguing about something as usual and Luke has dropped his chips and his asking the lady behind the counter for some more and The Flid has come in laughing because The Swan has attacked this little girl by pecking her three times in the head.

While all this is happening The Gangster has gone back to sit in the car because he is once again in agony that has got nothing to do with the quantity of alcohol he consumed last night.

Skipseas main claim to fame is that it is the fastest eroding coastline in the UK with some 1.7m per year of England being reclaimed by the sea and in the 2 years since I was last there it is unbelievable how much has vanished.

The place where I fell asleep, lost the dog and wet myself now no longer exists and a power line is stood precariously just 2 foot off the edge.

Indeed the whole road round the back of Skipsea Sands is in danger of disappearing very soon along with a house that looks to be still occupied which is teetering on the verge of collapse.

We discovered all this when Me, Luke, Flid, Jaws, Werewolf, Snowie and Miss Boley went for a walk to the beach after I had eaten my Salmonella Burgers and taken The Gangster to Bridlington again for his daily rations.

Finally it is Bingo time again and its also Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus’s 39th Birthday, we are sat in our usual place in the club and The Bradley Megaphone is still complaining bitterly about that café… “That cake gave me the runs robbing sods, I wont be going in there again”.

However tonight there is no act on so I sneak off early and end up getting some food from the burger stall, I order a seven inch Toscana which I comment to the guy sounds a bit rude, I end up with a supermarket 99p pizza which is just Lukewarm for about ten pounds.

Its Tuesday night at 11:04pm and Luke is in a bad mood because I wanted to go back to the tent, he says its boring back at the tent and there is nothing to do, blimey he has a right old strop on cos he says I am a stupid daddy and I am always busy on the Computer and never spends any time with him.

I think he wanted to stay with his friends back at Skipsea Sands and I wouldn’t let him even stay an extra half an hour, he had to shovel down his chicken tikka like a man possessed.

Now he is sat here bored while all the crew are still enjoying themselves.

I can stand it no longer so I ask him if he wants to be taken back now?

He shakes his head and puts on his music player which starts at the appropriate Eminiem record “I think my daddys gone Crazy” starting with the line “Daddy What are you doing? Oh Daaaaaddy!….”

He wants me to read him a bedtime story when we finally make friends again, just like I did when he was little so I read him… “Once upon a time there was 3 cans of beer, A Kestrel Super strength, A Stella and a can of Carling…”

Today was a good day weather-wise and I met up with my workmate Noah, who plays with me at The Lost World we talked about our boss The Balloon Warden and went for a walk round Skirlington Market.

I bought a Cowboy Hat, A butane heater for my cosy tent and some sunglasses and introduced Noah to Luke with the line “This little boy has the unfortunate task of having me as his daddy”.

We both decided we would meet again later in the week but Noah stood me up.

The Gangster was so poorly today that he stayed back at the caravan to rest while Luke, Jaws, beautiful Werewolf, The Bradley Megaphone, and me, Marcus Deponicus & Miss Boley packed in my car to visit the market.

We are now in the club and its 9pm we are doing this quiz which asks the most stupid questions, I am finding it hard today to resist the drink temptation all around me so I say a silent prayer to my HP the magic pixies to give me extra strength.

Focusing on the present is extremely difficult but somehow I manage and the demon once again relinquishes his grip.

Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus gets a question right, it asks in medieval times where would you go with a broken leg and the answer was a blacksmith, blimey I didn’t know that.

The Bradley Megaphone was asked the next question “Before the United Nations who had the peacekeeping role” but she gets the answer wrong by answering Oxfam!

Next The Werewolf is asked who was the first man on the moon in 1969, now we all know you should never mention The Moon in front of The Werewolf, he made is excuses and disappeared for the rest of the night, a few bones were all that remained the next morning of some old biddies on Freightthorpe nudist beach, we all found the coincidence remarkable but nobody commented.

Needless to say our team did not win the quiz but when we got back to the caravan we found Squeaky quietly weeping, when I asked her what was wrong she was almost hysterical in her answer “I am not telling you or you will write it down in your book!”

After me and the Gangster try a different approach and pretend to be sobbing as well she calms down and we found out that she was scared that Stamp-off was going to beat her up anyway they soon all made friends again and skipped happily back to the seadogs.

The Gangster tells me that while we were away at The Club a big fat ugly girl came looking for Luke, at first The Gangster thought she was wearing a mask and tried to pull it off but when it became apparent it was her real face he directed her towards the amusements where Luke was last reported as being seen.

Luke has since denied all knowledge of anything regarding this girl but we all found it remarkable that not only she knew is name but she also knew which caravan he was staying at, the mystery still remains unsolved.

The Gangster has noticed that Luke is making a lot of effort with his appearance just lately and it is rumoured that he has a bit of a crush on Wirral, when Luke came back from swimming earlier he was looking about the caravan muttering “shall I use an hairbrush or a comb”.

He then brushed his hair using the reflection from the telly because both of the caravan toilets were occupied at the time and he blocked the Gangster from watching a crucial bit of this film he had been enjoying all afternoon.

Apparently this cable car was on the verge of blowing up and it was a race against time to get the survivors out, suddenly Luke looms in front of the screen and starts brushing his hair, as it happened it didn’t explode but he still missed the best bit.

Finally another day comes to an end and me and Luke head back along the dark road to our abandoned tent, further selective probing in the car on the way back still does not reveal who this mysterious girl was who The Gangster said was looking for Luke.

Thursday and today we had to get up early to go to visit a car boot sale, at first we headed off to Skirlington Market but upon finding the place deserted we were redirected towards Bridlington to a place called “Strawberry Fields”.

The Gangster was in his car today and feeling a little better after overdosing on painkillers the day before and soon we were all walking amongst the stalls looking for bargains, well most of us were the Slappers stayed back at the caravan

We soon are drawn to a stall by The Flid and Luke which sells bloody Yu-Di-Oh Cards and the all hell breaks loose, The Flid starts throwing a tantrum because his dad has run off and hid and Luke quickly gets to pick the best shiny ones.

By the time the Flid finds his angry dad all the shiny first edition ones have been sold and there is just grubby fifth edition ones left that means that The Flid throws another temper tantrum and in the commotion Luke and me get separated from them.

Meanwhile Werewolf has found a stall selling legal weed by a severely stoned lady for a fiver for a huge bag of what look like and smell like grass cuttings.

When we find the Gangster again he jokes that he is going to make a campfire with all these Yu-Di-Yu-Di-Oh cards because he is feeling a bit cold, Luke has spent his entire £15 daily allowance on them.

“If my mum asks where I have gone” jokes the Gangster “tell her I have gone home cos they’ve got no shiny ones no tell her beer money gone down and dad has gone for a cup of tea which could of bought two Yu Di Oh cards”

Next we go visit Bridlington to get The Gangsters supplies for the evening, I had forgotten what an expensive job it is being an alcoholic, we parked our cars and left Flid, Marcus Deponicus, Luke and Werewolf in them while me, The Gangster, The Bradley Megaphone and Jaws had a look round.

However by the time The Gangster had been into all the shops and looked for a cash machine we fully expected our cars being towed past with The Werewolf in the back stoned on his purple haze, Luke and Flid oblivious in Yu-Di Oh land and only Marcus with his walking stick trying to object to the over-zealous meter maid.

We eventually get to the caravan to enjoy what was left of our penultimate full day and Miss Boley is enjoying chomping her bone while me and Marcus have a chit chat about the perils of drinking too much alcohol and to compare notes on all the girls we have pulled at our late night bingo sessions. while we sit outside enjoying a fleeting bit of sunshine.

All the girls have been away all day busy loosing there virginity and the Gangster is drinking Bicardi and Coke (with special Skipsea ice).

I am reading the packaging, which came with the Werewolf’s grass cuttings…Super Skunk (extra strength) it says before all you readers inform the authorities this weed is Legal Intoxicating Mixture for sale to adults only.

Instructions to use, To smoke roll into cigarette or use in pipe or water pipe – Do not mix with tobacco, The Werewolf also bought a little pipe as well.

Jaws inform me that Hermanie has won the “loose your virginity” competition that all the girls have been having, apparently she laid an egg this morning but sadly The Bradley Megaphone vacuumed it up.

As The Flid runs to tell Hermanie he has found her virginity, I comment that Jaws being 5 months pregnant has obviously won by default but The Gangster argues that Mary Magdelade and them dinosaurs off Jurassic park had babies without loosing there’s.

The rain starts again and I head into the caravan to avoid getting wet just has all the rest of the young ladies come back from the competition and I am given a quick resume of the events of the previous night at the seadogs club.

“Stamp-off was crying because she thought everyone was talking about her, then Squeaky and Wirrall started crying because they both thought Stamp-off was going to batter them, Superstud was dumped by Stamp-off and then she went to find him and slapped him twice. Hermanie was running for a swing but Superstud got there first.

Luke got there second but Superstud said it was Hermanies swing and Luke started crying, then Superstud started crying as well.

Hermanie wasn’t arguing or crying and won 9 tokens on the Bandit and the Flid crashed into Superstud and nearly fell out of go cart.”

We are back at the club again and its 10 to 9 pm, this lovely looking singer is on stage singing Elton Johns “I guess that’s why they call it the blues” and I am mesmerised, she moves on to the next song “Close To You” by The Carpenters and sounds like Minnie mouse on helium.

Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus hasn’t noticed that she has no shoes on as she sings “Amazed” by Lone Star and both Marcus and me are getting quite excited much to the amusement of The Bradley Megaphone.

“Do we have any Temptations fans in here tonight” she shouts to a stunned silence as she starts singing “My Girl” and Marcus is enthralled with his mouth wide open, on a nearby table someone’s wife slaps there husband.

When she comes back after the bingo she looks even more stunning than ever however she looses her voice at one point which she puts down to smoking, she finishes her act with Connie Frances’s “Lipstick On Your Collar” which is made more amusing by interference from her mobile phone.

She reaches an unexpected high note and Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus’s beer glass explodes showering him in Lager and Black but my J2O bottles survive unscathed.

We are invaded by wasps Friday morning, apparently one wasp had come by exploring and found quite a few empty cans of coke in our garbage bin and then run off to tell all its other friends back at the hive by doing a little dance.

Some of his friends observe the dance and realise he is actually giving them directions to where they too can find lots of sugary liquid in abundance so they too arrive at our tent and get tanked up on Coke and they too all go back to the hive and do a dance.

When we get up we find there are ten wasps in the tent which we quickly evacuate and near the garbage bin there is maybe 50 or more swarming round it so me and Luke hardened campers we are decided to make a hasty retreat to Skipsea sands.

We find at the caravan that The Werewolf has only eaten 2 residents last night and luckily they were both elderly people so they wont be missed and by way of bonus there will be 2 extra spaces at bingo tonight.

The Bradley Megaphone is busy packing all her stuff and wants us out of the way so we decide that we will have a boys day out at Flamborough and because The Gangster started drinking at 7am this morning then I am the nominated driver.

Jaws and Werewolf were going to have another Shag but instead Werewolf decided he would come with us, Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus said he didn’t need a glass to the bedroom wall when them two were at it since you could hear it from the settee.

So off we went, The Gangster, Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus, Luke, Flid, Werewolf and me, Luke kept himself occupied in the back reading one of Roger Hardgreaves rarer Mr men books which he found at the car boot sale yesterday (see left).

The weather was surprisingly good when we got there but because the tide was so far in we did not get a chance to explore the caves.

Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus on the journey there had indicated he might spill the beans on The Gangsters secret plantation so as soon as we arrived The Gangster wheeled him in his wheelchair to the top of the cliffs past the lighthouse and it took the combined efforts of Flid, Werewolf and Luke to stop him pushing him off while I photographed the spectacle for my new DVD.

Luke and Flid asked the Gangster when we were looking at the lighthouse the question of when the bulb goes where does the lighthouse owner go to buy a replacement but none of us knew the answer to that.

We then left Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus in the car while the rest of us walked down the long winding steps into the bay below.

The tide was well in meaning it would be so easy to get stuck down here with no means of escape except maybe by helicopter which would mean we would get a free ride without having to pay.

The Werewolf and The Gangster found some seaweed and decided to pose for pictures with it on their heads as a makeshift sort of wig.

Walking back up the slope was quite a struggle for the gangster since his pains were now returning which of course had absolutely nothing to do with the quantity of alcohol he had consumed but The Werewolf who has good spunk and going to father 22 kids had no problems.

On our final night we all went to the club, this time even The Gangster came along, we were treated to a fantastic act on stage to which for once The Gangster had absolutely no comment for, I mean this lady was so big she must of gone to sea world to be baptised.

Initially at our table were The Bradley Megaphone, Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus, Jaws, Werewolf, The Gangster and myself and I slipped into one of my trance like states and when I came round the table was deserted.

A feeling of overwhelming deja vue came over me so I slipped out of the club and headed towards the beach, down the newly erected steps to collect my thoughts.

Its just so hard being an alcoholic in a world that revolves round drink I think as I sit in solitude on the deserted beach – This is the end of our holiday – the song “Boys Of Summer” comes into my mind as I sit there its 8:35 pm on 18th August 2006.

There is such a fine line between a drinker and an alcoholic, I have sleighed the demon but secretly envy his power, pure instant escape from inhibitions.

However as the years of drinking begin to accumulate all drink offers is escape from yourself for smaller and smaller timescales and of course after the effects wear off its payback time.

So here it comes to an end well until next year when hopefully I will be approaching 3 years sober, I cannot even put into words how much better this holiday was a Skipsea when compared to the last one.

When I return to the caravan in preparation for an early night I find out that The Werewolf was shot with a silver bullet by Mr Jihad, The Bradley Megaphone had lost her voice, Jaws had been electrocuted and Yoda from Star Wars is now hanging around with The Ticking Bomb but that all is another story.

See You At The Gangster Bonfire for the next instalment of “The Adventures Of A Jedi Master”