My names Michael and I am an alcoholic, I have been with the fellowship of the AA now for 1 month after nearly killing myself on whisky whilst having a holiday at Skipsea with my son Luke, my niece Rebecca and her friend Stacey and of course my long suffering mother.
Our dog Miss Boley also joined us somewhat begrudgingly whilst my father who is the progressive stages of Parkinson’s disease was left at home to look after the cat, thanks to me this turned out to be what only can be described as a holiday from hell.
The first night there was when all our habits were set; Luke, Rebecca and Stacey went to the teenies disco and I joined my mother in the Social Club for a session of Bingo but managed to fall asleep on some poor guy who happened to find himself sitting next to me after a few pints followed by numerous whisky chasers.
It was about here I entered blackout mode which was to become the dominant state of mind for the rest of the holiday however it was reported to me the next morning that I had managed to get myself barred from the social club and pissed all over the Chip Shop window where I was also told in no uncertain terms not to visit again.
I had looked forward in earnest to sitting on top of the cliff that overlooks the sea front and enjoy a bottle of whisky and a bit of smoke which I had brought with me and this I did the very next day.
I came round just as dusk was settling in with a lot of concerned faces looking down at me having pissed myself, lost the dog and a crazy feeling of thirst burning my throat, the last conscious memory I had was getting up and staggering to the shop for another bottle of whisky and some cans which would hopefully last me through the night.
The rest of the week I only remember snippets of thought such as standing outside the newsagents waiting for everyone to get there morning papers so that I could purchase my morning bottle of whisky, I wasn’t sure half the time which memories were from the real world or which were dreams.
I wont bore you with the details but this continued until Saturday morning when I found myself on the floor of the caravan with the cleaners, some manager from reception and the rest of our little group urging me to vacate the caravan and drive back to Huddersfield and I was screaming, yes literally screaming that I was incapable.
In the end the manager drove us round to the car park reception and one of my friends “The Gangster” from Bradley kindly drove to Skipsea to pick us all up and safely take us back to home leaving my car alone in the car park
I had more cuts and bruises on me and felt nauseas and ashamed but that did not stop me counting the miles back to Huddersfield so that I could get to the local off licence and purchase a lovely cold can of Kestrel Super strength to hold off the withdrawal a little while longer whilst my mother, my son and niece went to see my father and tell him of his 35 year old son.
The next day I found myself outside Mr Sharmas at six am waiting for him to open whilst shaking and sweating having been mercilessly vomiting all night and not having slept one iota.
After downing 3 cans by eight am I finally decided to wave my white flag and phone AA and was promptly phoned back by a local AA member inviting me to a meeting at Dewsbury that very night whilst my best friend The Gangster took Captain Caveman with him to pick up my Ford Focus from Skipsea.
I distinctly remember that Sunday walking up to Asda with my concerned 9 year old son, Luke holding my hand to pick up an emergency prescription for sleeping tablets and anti depressants and I was vowing that this was the last withdrawal I was ever going to suffer but Luke had heard it countless times before but in my confused and poisoned state it was gospel to me.
Now some thirty days on I find myself having one day at a time managed to not lift a drink and am grateful just to be able to wake in a morning and not have to turn over the mattress as well as drive to work at Hogwarts without being paranoid about cop cars.
At work I realise that I have perhaps never been there sober and it is little wonder everyone treats me like I am weird but I finally have serenity.
In my little office with The Headmaster, The Dictator, The Headmistress, Kev and Marti Pellow who have put up with this smelly nutter for so long with little complaints I feel the real Michael is starting to open the door to a new life.
Sobriety is the most important thing any alcoholic has and it is my aim to grasp it with both hands, I apologise to anyone I have upset in my drunken ramblings but I intend to continue this story each night first however I have to discover a power greater than myself… God?
If there is a God then there must be a afterlife is my way of thinking about step two of the 12 step recovery program, then why is it that all the vicars and bishops who speak so highly of this refuge are not falling over to top themselves in order to play harps on fluffy clouds in the sky.
Maybe my God could be more likened to the Force in Star Wars and maybe all us alkies are training to be Jedi Masters in some future society where anarchy rules and civilisation has broken down.
I am still coming to terms with Step 2 and also when I find God I have to give my will and my life over to him for Step 3.
I keep saying the lords prayer in the field at the back of my mums when I take my dog for a walk (who has just recovered from her visit to Skipsea)
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can” and heres the difficult bit… “wisdom to know the difference”
I am told that the camel each day goes twice to his knees, he picks up his load with the greatest of ease. He walks through the day with his head held high and stays for that day completely dry.
It is now Sunday 2nd October and I have not had a drink for 35 days, I have just returned from a AA meeting which somebody shared that there alcoholic mother used to piss in a bucket in the kitchen in front of his friends.
I must admit that both my parents are very ant drink but sometimes I wonder to myself is the government really so anti-drink as they care to admit taking into account the untold billions they make from taxes.
I mean all this anti smoking and the dangers of passive smoking makes you think they care but who has ever heard of someone been attacked by a bunch of smokers for heaven sake.
The longer I visit meetings the more the positive message is dissolving all the negative that is found in society today, I mean everywhere you look on the TV or billboard posters of even in general discussion the attitude is the answer to all our problems is just a favourite tipple away.
I can say that Step 1 of the 12 steps is now firmly routed in my subconscious…
STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable
“We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve”
Step 2 is a more difficult concept for me to fathom, believing in a power greater than myself, God if you like?
If God exists then so must an afterlife, if so then what do we do there??
Maybe The Paralysis Of Analysis is my problem having a physics degree but a lot of Physics at the most fundamental level of Quantum Mechanics does indicate that nothing can exist without a conscious observer.
It could be something unimaginable that was able to consciously create a new Universe in the Big Bang some 15 billion years ago.
So this is where I am until I get a sponsor probably sometime this week, anyway I have got the rest of my life to work my way through the 12 steps.
Here is where I am see if I am any nearer to solving it after a good nights kip of crazy dreams and another day at Hogwarts and of course my 36th day sober…
STEP TWO: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
“My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last. It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!”
Day 36
Just returned from an AA meeting at Holmfirth and have finally plucked up courage to ask for a sponsor, I would of liked a female sponsor but apparently this is not advised by wiser members of our group so I had to settle for someone called SS who claims to have been sober for 18 years.
Having got over all the awful dreams and crazy thoughts I don’t intend to go back to being sat in the local woods with a four pack of Kestrel Super-strength lager and a load of smoke with my dog hiding away from the world, it has gone on for too long.
I have had to distance myself from a lot of so-called friends who I would spend my evenings when I wasn’t sat in the woods talking a load of bullsh*t whilst swigging away endless cans until the early hours.
Like the AA meetings keep emphasising its only one day you have to do without alcohol and that is today who gives a monkeys about tomorrow, yesterday or the fact that Christmas is raising its ugly head over in the horizon.
At tonight’s share an American lass called Sarah was sharing her experience, she was coming up to her second birthday and there was a new girl there who sounded rather posh, "We do not have to hold hands do we?" she exclaimed when we all formed a ring to voice the serenity prayer.
Anyway its time for my booboos now I cannot spend too long on a computer having spent most of the day on one, I'll post another share tomorrow
May The Force Be With You All – Goodnight
Day 42
Its my sixth week sober today with 43 AA meetings under my belt I feel on top of the world, met my sponsor for a face to face on Saturday and I feel it has been worth every bit of effort I have put in.
After what I can only call the worst holiday of my life In Skipsea I returned to Huddersfield at the lowest ebb of my life, I cannot describe how lonely I had become even though I have a great life compared to the vast majority people on this planet.
I felt to use a suitable metaphor that I had been swimming in a vast lonely ocean with only sea meeting the sky all on the horizon and when I again faltered I would drowned in the cold barren and hostile environment this was when once again I ended up on yet another uncontrollable drinking session.
Known as "Mad Mick" by everyone who had the unfortunate task of trying to live in my wake I was a complete waste of space, an example of a mistake made by our creator that was not to be repeated.
I would often ask my 9 year old son what he had done wrong in a past life to deserve a dad like me as I sat with my can of Kestral Superstrength full of self pity whilst my father battled on with Parkinson disease and my mother continued to smooth over the devastation I left behind me.
Now after reaching my rock bottom on 30th August 2004 and picking up the telephone with nothing left but death or insanity to look forward to - all hope gone - dialling that number of the AA and humbly asking for help I feel I have been saved by a fellowship I that is simply a lifeline.
I was on that very evening taken to a meeting in nearby Dewsbury where I spent most of it looking down into the abyss of a toilet bowl in the dark because I could not find the light switch. The twelve steps seemed a foreign language and the fact that many people there had been sober for decades made me realise that there must be something in them if I could somehow get my head together enough to understand it.
Having spent the last 14 years in a state of confusion almost bordering on insane it was no use listening to my old self anymore so I simply followed the group consciousness of all the meetings I attended.
Gradually throughout the last six weeks I have kept an open mind, listened to every word spoke, made lots of new sober friends and most of all not lifted a single drink one day at a time. It really works!!!
I have now found a powerful ally in my battle with a formidable opponent, alcohol; in a power that is most elusive and subtle, dare I say God or The Force or whatever you want to call it but with it I am pushing this demon that has dominated me for so long into submission. A whole new world now beckons before me as I move on to a huge step with step four and now I know I am no longer alone in the vast ocean but All One with my sponsor, my friends from the many meetings who are sharing my adventure and of course my Higher power.
Hope any of you out there in that empty ocean will jump on for the ride... See You Soon Michael
Day 43
Yes, I did feel good yesterday, but after a day at work I have come back down to earth, my emotions are at this stage like a rollercoaster.
Just been to a meeting at Holmfirth listening to some guy called guy who had come back from Hong Kong where he had learnt sobriety which brought the usual following of people sharing who had all been to bigger and better places.
Felt like joining them and sharing that I had just returned from one of Jupiters moons and describing the near proximity of the Jovian atmosphere when in reality I am 35 years old and live at my mums never having been anywhere further than Skipsea and even then I got homesick.
We expect that when we get sober all our problems will go but I think sometimes they just become more visible, I find it really inhibiting to speak at meetings I feel what I have to say is boring and repetitive and everyone has heard it before.
Some people at our local Huddersfield meetings like Tony Blair have the gift of the gab but I prefer the people who have not just come back from London with there Laa-de-daa lifestyles.
Its just one of those days today when I feel I am just a pleb at work, a non-entity who sits in the corner of the office with his mind hypnotised by his little world with his computer.
Sorry being so negative today but that is what day 43 feels like but then again I have won the battle for another day
I think I will go to the world of booboo land now and see what exotic dreams appear tonight whilst my brain trys its best to rewire itself.
Day 44 sober,
Just been to a meeting at Huddersfield and when I walked in everyone took one look at me and carried on their conversations merrily without any acknowledgement of my presence.
When someone finally noticed me and asked me how I was doing, I replied "Oh I have not become invisible then" which made everyone go quiet at least for a while.
That is what I am like without alcohol to add fuel to my conversation I cannot for the life of me think of anything to say so as a result no one talks to me and I end up in a corner somewhere looking at the wall like its profoundly interesting.
After listening to the politicians tell us we must now work until we are 70 to pay for all the wonderful caring system we have in the UK and our expensive roll as world policemen or we wont get any pension I felt resentful to start with.
The top table share was excellent tonight and for someone who is forever apologising for his lack of confidence it left me feeling inspired but this was short lived when after the meeting I was asked for a lift by someone who I think does not want to quit drinking.
Has I gave him a lift home after he assured me in no uncertain terms he was ready I also promptly offered to give a lift to someone else so I wouldn’t end up sat with him in his lonely world and could carry on my way to the other guys destination.
When he was dropped off we exchanged words about what we thought of him and I decided to decline any further pleadings and change my number to the local taxi rank.
I got home to my mums with a lot of resentment inside of me and even a prayer in the field with my dog did nothing to calm me down, so I sent a text to a wise person who I have great respect and with a lot of sobriety under his belt with the following..
“I thought people who came to the AA supposed to have a desire to stop drinking, someone should tell that to ………… I am going to another AA meeting somewhere else from now on”
He replied..
“You just keep it simple, and thank god your at the state of mind you are, your very lucky, ……………is very ill, don’t judge him Michael you’ve no right! God Bless”
“Sorry” was all I could reply to this, I was getting angry about nothing again, I have a Job, A Car, Brilliant Parents who both look after me, A good sponsor, A brilliant son, Plenty of money.
Here I was thinking I could be the judge of others, feeling superior to my fellow men, where would I be now if I had lost everything, maybe just one day down there in the gutter would teach me a lesson
My fellow AA member text back in reply to my apology…
“No worries, pray for ………… he needs it more than most gngb”
Still I have made it through day 44 with an important lesson, be kind to your fellow men, what is the point in causing yourself anger and bad feeling because you feel the need to be the judge of others.
I think I will still attend another meeting as opposed to Huddersfield on Friday, It will do me good.
Sorry.
Day 45
Had day off to take my dads motobility car in to the dealers for its triannual inspection before we are reacquainted with a new Ford Focus Cmax and while it was being examined I took the opportunity to push my dad round Huddersfield in his wheelchair stopping for a bite to eat at the four cousins restaurant.
My father has Parkinson’s disease which means he has a problem with his coordination and results with him having tremors leaving his arms shaking however in the past I have had shakes much worse as a result of a heavy binge on alcohol.
I felt much more relaxed and happier tonight at our Brighouse meeting but again did not find any words to share but sat listening to one of our elders, Tony Blair who took the Chair with his words of wisdom.
I particularly related to his story of always having a good supply at home so that when he returned inebriated from his daily adventures he could relax to music which became progressively loader with the nightly top up.
I had to laugh when another girl at the meeting mentioned she had discovered headphones so that the problem with music did not disturb all the neighbours but she was now glad she had discovered her sobriety it was either that or end up deaf.
She also shared that her singing, which she thought at the time sounded great, would frequently spoil her children’s sleep.
I remembered in my minds eye during these comments my feelings of ecstasy as I would relax on a night after work with my sons play station playing Madonna CDs with those funny shapes on the TV screen which move with the music.
You see I was never a social drinker but enjoyed being on my own with a few joints and a load of super strength lager playing music and drifting in and out of a hypnotic trance like world.
My Sponsor who I have being a bit of a Star Wars freak labelled SS to protect his identity seemed to keep a low profile today and did not pass on any words of wisdom however another AA member suggested that we should be careful not to put our sponsors on pedestals.
I certainly feel a lot better than yesterday and enjoyed the philosophical debate I had when I gave another AA member a lift home, about God which seemed to be causing a bit of a issue with a new member who was on his second day at a meeting
I am starting to believe now that there must be someone out there who laughs at our plans for the future, like John Lennon said in one of his songs “life is something that happens to us when we are busy making other plans”
Anyway thankyou Greg, Bowen and Lesph for your replies it helps to think there maybe someone out there reading these confused postings as I find my way through this “program”
I feel a lot more relaxed and calm today and like SS says that is the good side
Goodnight
Day 50
It was the usual Monday morning feelings at work today, company bean counters rabitting on about the price of a cup of tea and waying up the pros and cons of weather it would be cheaper to install a vending machine, people who in maybe half a hour earned enough to keep me in tea for over a year.
It’s as if people don’t notice something’s changed in me, I am no longer out of my skull on alcohol, why do they all treat me like nothing has occurred in my mental demeanour?
Anyway at least I have the AA meeting to keep me going and its been 51 meetings in some fifty days, and for those who have not yet had the experience it is a place like one big family where you can actually answer to what has to be the most commonly asked question now-a-days “Are you alright?” NO!
The next time you are in the queue at Asda or wherever you go for your cocoa pops try answering to the checkout girl, No I am not okay, it’s my head you see and then proceed into a lengthily discussion in front of the impatient shoppers with the lady and see how long it takes before security are called.
In a way now I am glad I am an alcoholic or I would not have met my fellowship of men and women who I can feel at ease with, I mean the lady at our share tonight actually cried in front of us all as she reminisced about intimate matters of an earlier existence.
The lad sat next to me who like me has found himself with a largely redundant Physics Degree shared that after watching a video brought round personally by some evangelists actually thought he was sobering up to be the new messiah.
I don’t know really where I stand with this form of sharing, i.e. sat in front of a cold hearted computer screen but I think if I keep my stories very vague I might not encroach on the anonymous part of the AA tradition but I find myself so inhibited when I attempt to speak, I find it so much easier sat here and anyway my psychiatrist thinks its good for me.
At work I have recently been in trouble for sharing my points of view with everyone by way of word documents and email even though I changed everyone’s name to cartoon characters and the company name to Hogwarts.
There is a lovely young lady who always seems so happy in our fellowship and when I spoke of the dark clouds that had gathered over my moods as I approached fifty days sober compared to the glowing feelings I had when I first discovered these meetings she said it was God who was at first showing me what it could be like.
Once the honeymoon is over however the familiar feelings return but this time the way back up is more gradual but much more stable and I think at this point I am starting that gradual incline back to somewhere where hopefully I will discover my long dormant locked up emotions are.
Anyway that’s enough for tonight I will continue forward on my marathon into the unknown content with the feeling that 50 days of sobriety is not going to be a miracle cure for over 14 years of heavy drinking.
These things shall pass – just keep it simple!!!
Day 53
Its Thursday and I am still recovering from my first top table share sat in front of maybe 25 people telling them all what a mess I had made of the last 14 years of my life, that was on Tuesday at our “Home Group” at Huddersfield.
I cannot remember much about what I said, I think “Dripping Tap” my spirit guide was the narrator and not me, but when I came out of my trance like state everyone was shaking my hand and saying what a good share I had done.
I am glad I was asked at the last minute so I had no time to dwell on it, It appears that the person who was supposed to do the share had not turned up due to a sudden migraine attack and after the chairman had run out of volunteers in desperation he turned to me.
I felt strangely calm all the next day at Hogwarts, my head was not full of the usual voices making me suspect the experience had done me the world of good, I also felt very much in tune with my higher power as I sat in the fields later on to say my prayers in the thick fog which had decended on me and my dog.
So it is now day 53 and I am well on my way to the 120 meetings in 120 days, which should take me past Christmas, and I have just returned from our “Big Book” meeting at Holmfirth.
The church at Holmfirth has such a tranquil atmosphere to it and inside there was just seven of us tonight, three men and four women, who, took it in turns to read another passage from the AA bible, “The Big Book” written by the AA founders back in the 1930s.
The Chair-lady has just found herself a new office job and is working regular hours for the first time in years, she shared that she was having a bit of a dilemma keeping her membership of the fellowship secret from all her colleagues at her new place of work.
Another lady who was the one who had developed the sudden migraine attack on Tuesday waffled on about how boring and uneventful her life was and this gave rise to the usual “getting things of your chest” talk which was continued by the remaining members.
Finally I shared that it was no secret to my colleagues at my place of work and even though most thought me strange and looked at me like I was from another planet at times, they accepted that I was getting the help I needed.
I think I have now come to a point in my life when I accept there is a God, higher power or force which guides us and has certainly been busy with me this last seven or so weeks.
Like the big book says we can look at a solid piece of steel and accept that the physicists tell us it is in fact a seething mass of whirling tiny particles in otherwise empty space guided by spooky electromagnetic forces but we cannot accept that there is some creative intelligence that guides the material universe along.
We prefer to accept that all life originated out of nothing, means nothing and is going nowhere.
I have now stopped trying to control my life and have given myself over to this higher power and I feel with my sponsor, SS's help I am ready to move on to step four which is the first of the action steps.
I need to write a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself….
DAY 55
Its strange but it seems almost a lifetime ago when I used to drink incessantly and the fact that I have got over my first share makes me feel almost a renewed character, I joked today to Luke my 9 year old son that perhaps when he reaches sixteen or so he should go straight to the AA and cut out all the suffering which may happen in between.
Went to a meeting at Dewsbury today and I was quite safe from having to share since the topic was steps 8 & 9 and I have not yet reached such dizzy heights yet, steps eight and nine cover making amends to people who you have caused harm to due to your drinking.
I suppose that the fact I have said goodbye to drink is the best amends I could make to my immediate family and as for the rest of the world I don’t think it has actually made much difference on the scale of things though my ego would like to tell me different (a trait I think that is common to a lot of alcoholics).
I have decided to go and attend an interview for another job on Tuesday, this does not mean that I want another job but I think it will be good for me to put myself in situations which in the past have filled me with a lot of fear, I am sure if God has other plans for me then fate will take its course.
OB1 another AA friend text me today saying he was a bit bored so I text back that if he wanted he could log on to my new website at www.madmickstories.com which contains a somewhat disjointed account of my experiences and feelings that I had to cope with when I said goodbye to the demon drink.
Me and Luke went to the market this morning as we usually do every Saturday and a Asian lass was pushing her son through the packed market in a pram and he dropped his little toy he was carrying and Luke picked it up for him and gave it him back, I think most people would just carry on walking.
Many times in the past Luke has had to look after his daddy and I think it just comes naturally to him now that he looks after others with the same selfless determination, I hope when he gets older he does not become brainwashed by the selfish world.
Tomorrow we all go to Wakefield to take my Mum and Dad to see their other son Forest, my brother who was unfortunate in not finding out about the AA and as a consequence suffered the third fate of alcoholics and found himself sectioned in a psychiatric unit at Wakefield.
Sometimes though I do joke that at least in there he does not have to suffer the indignity of a visit from the man in the suit to collect his money for his council tax, TV license or whatever the next scam the “Government/Council” dream up to line their pockets and keep them barriers between them and “us”.
I have only just started on the steps and did not go and see my sponsor today preferring to spend time with my son and niece while they are still young before they become corrupted and their naivety stolen by the cold material world.
The warmth of my faith in a higher power is getting more comforting and the desire to escape from reality and my resentments using alcohol is becoming much weaker because it seems that the two are in fact mutually incompatible.
DAY 56 – 8 WEEKS!!!
You know how you are walking through an old railway tunnel, one preferably that has been disused for many years and there are plenty of them around West Yorkshire since Dr Breeching had his way in the 50s and 60s; anyway, and in the distance is a tiny pinprick of light which becomes steadily but slowly brighter with each passing stride, that is what my last 8 weeks have been like.
In the haze, I could only see in black and white but has I approached the opening suddenly my colour vision started to return and I could once again hear the bird song and no longer muffled sounds.
I went to Dewsbury tonight and heard a fantastic share by a young lady who talked about her lack of self confidence when filling in application forms and attending interviews which was somehow synchronistically exactly what I needed to hear being scheduled for a interview this Tuesday.
Maybe now I have finally found the light I can come across more of a person rather than robotically answering the typical interview questions, I can throw away the carefully prepared script and concentrate on just being myself.
It is not that I want another job and if I was to be offered it a whole new set of fears would replace those already present as I sit here now in my comfort zone which maybe I have been sitting uncomfortably in for the last 14 years.
I cannot blame my employers for paying me peanuts when I was only offering them a tiny percentage of my true potential – they say all alcoholics are perfectionists but in a lot of ways I think I am a exception to the rule.
For too long I have looked into the future or the past without concentrating on where I was in the present and as a result appeared like “the lights were on only nobody was home” to those who were around me.
Also tonight Tony Blair shared again that someone had been throwing cans of Stella around his favourite woods, all nicely spaced out in order to make as much mess as possible with the minimum of garbage, and as me and my future rugby playing friend were driving home we joked that I should of admitted to the dirty deed.
You see I spent many, many nights sat drinking can after can of lager in local woods around where I live and sat there sheepishly thinking about all the empty cans deposited by myself sat deposited around the countryside.
Maybe I should take with me a shovel and bury them all as a gesture to my continuing sobriety.
When you attend a AA meeting the discussion usually commences with the passage from the Big Book which contains the 12 steps and tonight David Attenbrough delivered it with such emotion, has I looked around I could also see that I was not alone in thinking this with the people sat with lips quivering trying to stifle hysterical laughter, occasionally a splutter would leap out from some unfortunate individual who could stand it no longer only to be carefully disguised as a cough.
We are such a strange bunch of individuals all sat together with the common unity that none of us could handle our booze, but maybe that is just the tip of the iceberg the more we all delve deeper and the more we discover locked up emotions that have been sat like coiled springs waiting to jump out for years.
Sometimes I wonder where I am going with all this and what am I doing it for but when I look in the mirror the answer simply looks back at me.
Anyway goodnight all I will be at Holmfirth tomorrow where I will definitely be sharing about the imminent interview as it is I cannot wait until Tuesday dinnertime when its all over.
DAY 58
I have now been without the influence of alcohol for eight weeks and two days, I have just had a day off to attend an interview for another job and it is all going really well.
I could no longer carry on as I had been doing before, in a way I think I was just waiting to die.
I look back upon my life and it has always been entangled with people who enjoy a drink and now I am on my own, all my old friends wish me well but they think life would be dull and boring without alcohol.
I have just took my dad out for a drive in his motobility car around Huddersfield and we stumbled upon a hill that was just wide enough for one car and so steep that I was afraid to stop just in case I could not get started again, I was really shitting myself up that one.
Yes, life without drink seems to be more colourful, people generally treat you with much more respect but this will not come about over night, It was great to tell the interviewer when he got round to the Christmas bonus that I do not believe in drinking.
Last night at my Holmfirth AA meeting I shared with everyone that I would be attending a interview today and the support from everyone nearly brought me to tears, Helen said that I should let God go in first and Master Yoda said “don’t worry the interviewers piss and shit like everyone else”.
I feel that at my current job at Hogwarts I have become a bit of an embarrassment and it is not easy going there every day sober after everyone getting to know me when I was pissed, the advice from the AA is don’t do anything you might regret in the first few months of sobriety and that respect has to be earned back again but people generally have very short memories.
However I was a fool and would gladly fire bullets for anyone even though at the same time I work hard for them and like I said at the interview today I have a memory full of their products item codes my brain is almost like a database itself which is rather sad.
I just want to be at a place where I can become part of a team where the players are on equal terms, I mean it causes me massive resentment when I am sat in a office surrounded by colleagues who earn three or more times my salary and compared to me are relatively new there.
It is easy to see why this state of affairs fuelled my drinking and like a viscous circle meant that I would never be accepted and so it all spiralled out of control but just a bit of recognition would have broken the cycle for me.
We alcoholics are very self centred and when we feel we are not getting the desired attention we throw a boo which will hopefully get us noticed and feed our titanic egos.
I think I am almost ready to start my step four which I hope to leave no stone unturned as I share my personal inventory with my sponsor and then I can make my amends to those who I have hurt along the way – occasionally I wonder to myself what I have done all this for but nowadays this feeling is usually fleeting.
I just hope someone out there in the big world away from my little typewriter can relate to all I have said, if it helps just one alcoholic start down the road to recovery it would be worth it.
Most of all you cannot do it on your own you need the AA, A strong faith in a higher power and most of all a lot of determination.
So many times in the past eight weeks that little voice inside me has said “Its okay Michael you are not a alkie you are different you can have a bit just control it” what a load of bollocks!!!
Just come back from the main Huddersfield meeting and it one of the best I have had so far, Feargal Sharkey shared about steps 4,5,6 & 7 and in the audience – the biggest I have seen at this venue were two newcomers, one who I felt a deep empathy for.
Big D the groups chairman did an excellent share about in the past he had a bottle of cider in one hand and a razor blade in the other and was busy doing noughts and crosses on his chest when the doctor appeared and in his insane state he claimed he was okay.
He then moved on in his story that he had just come out of intensive care after nearly dieing twice from choking on a crisp (not mentioning the two bottles of vodka) and when he was finally released from hospitalisation he repeatedly chastised himself in future to avoid crisps, he went on to add that alcoholism is a disease of denial.
My good friend Master Yoda then followed on that in his final stages of defeat by the sworn enemy when his wife had long since pissed off and his belongings were disappearing fast he was sat in his dingy undecorated house and whenever the telephone rang he would shake with fear.
If there was a knock on the door he would hide, he was so deeply in debt that he stashed all the mail in a drawer that was never to be opened and every night he would piss himself to such an extent that the house reeked of piss.
He confided in his drinking buddies that he planned to quit and join the AA but they asked him”what he would then do for fun?” – here he was with the curtains closed on his own was this fun!!!
When the new lad came to speak I could feel the tears well up in my eyes for the first time as admitted he couldn’t quit and broke down… it is times like these when you realise just how far you have come – I remember not so long ago thinking what was I going to do now that I had quit drinking I thought I would spend eternity sat like a miserable empty shell devoid of anything to say but in reality its quite the reverse.
Gradually throughout the weeks desire to drink has shifted from occupying 23hrs 50 mins out of every 24 hours of my thoughts to maybe 10 hours, I was so used to quick fixes i.e. popping a pill and the feelings would go but there are no quick fixes to this disease.
Feargal Sharkey is far on with the steps much further than myself being into I think 2 ½ years of sobriety but her talk of the fourth step made me realise I still have a lot of ground to do on the first three, it is not a race and you never graduate from the program it is simply something I have to do for the rest of my life so there is no sense in rushing it.
In order not to feel any resentments I had to add the following letter which I think sums up DAY 59 for me...
TISCALI UK LIMITED
PO Box 7206
Kilnfarm
Milton Keynes
Dear Sir,
I am writing to complain about your service, I have recently bought a computer and wanted access to the internet preferably something simple to get me started such has dial up connection and so after some time I stumbled across your service.
I was immediately presented with a number of options, two that I remember were 1p per minute pay as you go or “Tiscali Anytime” which I was told I could have unlimited internet access for £14.99 per month and so I choose the latter and followed the instructions online by clicking the relevant buttons and was soon set up with access to the internet.
On 20th September I received my confirmation letter of my Direct Debit instruction with reference UI7OH9OA72 for the monthly fee and assumed that allowed me unlimited access to the internet and therefore proceeded to use the internet as much as possible and with the novelty factor added I clocked up a lot of hours content that there was just one bill of £15
On 27th October my father receives his bill for his ntl phone line which has for some reason trebled in the last month despite assurances from myself that my internet usage would not add anything to his bill, most of the phone calls are to the number 0845 6614681 which turns out to be Tiscali’s pay as you go and comes to in excess of £70 on this number alone!
I only happen to find this out after phoning the Tiscali “help”-line on 0870 7415000 which is charged at a premium rate and after being asked a whole catalogue of questions, my name, phone number, e mail address, postcode, my cats name, what colour wall-paper I have etc etc I am finally told that my dial up internet connection is set for the wrong number!
Apparently it is dialling out to the “Pay As You Go” line and not “Tiscali Anytime” which to add double whammy is the line I am being charged monthly from my bank account and subsequently not using and of course the Pay As You Go calls are being added to my angry dads NTL phone bill.
The lady tells me to phone the “service line” on 0906 3006633 whilst in front of my computer however after thanking her and hanging up I realise I cannot do this because a) my fixed line phone is nowhere near my computer and b) in order to log my computer on to the internet I will need to use the phone socket in the first place so I opt to use my newly credited (with £10) pay as you go mobile phone whilst sat in front of my computer screen
After being asked the long list of questions all over again, namely; my name, phone number, e mail address, postcode, my cats name, what colour wall-paper I have etc etc we finally get down to business and add the correct phone number for dial-up via my control panel and then set it to work dialling and wait and wait but it doesn’t work.
At this point my mobile reminds me I have just one minute of call time left that’s after being on the phone for maybe three minutes tops, we try again this time via “My Computer” icon but just as the phone operator is about to tell me the number the mobile cuts out no credit left!
By this time I am getting a little annoyed especially as I have deleted the tiscali connection so I rush back downstairs to the fixed line phone and pick it up only to be deafened by a load of high pitched squealing. I then pull the internet connection from the wall to phone back up to the helpline again to get some foreign woman who does not even seem to know English and set about answering all the questions yet again… namely; my name, phone number, e mail address, postcode, my cats name, what colour wall-paper, am I having a good day, how do I spell my surname etc etc
She finally tells me that because I do not have a BT line I cannot access Tiscali’s Anytime package so the system has defaulted to the Pay As You Go even though I am paying for the latter.
So far it has cost me £10 credit of my mobile, £70 extra on my fathers bill maybe another £10 on my fixed line phone as well as the £15 you was going to charge me for the Anytime Package I wasn’t using and now wish to cancel.
I am usually a particularly calm person but when I went to my AA meeting tonight and shared my experience I was acknowledged by a lot of nodding around the room, it is not even as if I am naïve with computers having a job using them all I am asking is for you to compensate me with the sum of my fathers bill and I will lay this matter to rest I also wish to cancel any payments or accounts set up with Tiscali and have opted for the NTL Anytime package which is £12.49 per month.
If I do not receive a satisfactory settlement I will make sure this letter receives the necessary publicity it deserves on behalf of myself and any other interested parties.
First thing to do this morning was visit Tinky Winky in Teletubbieland, Barnsley for an internal store person interview, the successful applicant would be responsible for a load of antiquated items which were gathering cobwebs in the variety of broom cupboards dotted about the place.
I met Poe first in the despatch office after ringing the doorbell and later when I was being interrogated by Tinky Winky Laa Laa arived having had yesterday as a holiday and not having slept all night worrying about his Rosedale Undersized.
We went to see the Guardian of the key who was responsible for all these antiques and on the way met Dipsy who was busy hiding away in the red tag area cupboard playing with the electric cables.
I don’t think Tinky Winky thought I would be assertive enough to take charge of the keys to all these valuable light bulbs and stuff especially with all these teletubbies who had a tendency for raiding the toy cupboards and not writing down what they had wondered off with.
Oh dear I have digressed a little and I am not supposed to be writing about this…
I went to the AA meeting tonight at Holmfirth and gave Feargal Sharkey a lift there, we read a paragraph or two from the big book but it was the following, which was to be the topic of conversation
“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you – until then.”
Master Yoda shared that it was a pleasure to see people come to the AA in a right state [gesturing to me] and see them gradually recover but he added this lad was the worst case I have ever seen [once again gesturing to me] and to watch him become the stallion he is today makes me truly believe in this fellowship [I think he was taking the p*** a bit though]
I shared that I had experienced two interviews this week and as I had been instructed I had prayed before each one, not on my knees in the middle of the car park with my hands clasped together but silently after I had parked my car.
I added that I had not prayed to get the job(s) but simply to do the will of God whatever that may be, I did not want to ask him to get the job just in case he granted my wish and I made a absolute balls of it.
After the meeting I was talking to J about my brain being like a garden full of weeds which had grown from the seeds I had sown during my 14 years of intoxication and the fact that it chatters away all the time but only recently I had for the first time in my life found fleeting moments when true serenity and peace came over me.
J said I should try more meditation and suggested Buddhism which we are encourage to look a leaves from trees and find solitude in the passing moment.
Strangely when I gave Feargal Sharkey a lift home we were both very quiet which is quite normal for me but extremely unusual for her, anyway that’s a very active few days I have had and I feel I will be having more of them in the future…
DAY 61
Did my second top table share tonight at Huddersfield after being asked by the Roofer who was chairing the meeting, he said it was for the benefit of those who was not there the first time including himself and the two newcomers who were there on Tuesday.
I told them a quick resume of my life, the classic alcoholics tale that I was very shy at school almost to the point of thinking myself as being in a glass box with a barrier between myself and the rest of the other kids and when I was doing my A levels discovered drinking at the Prince Of Wales Pub in Brighouse with a small group of similar individuals, The Savage One, Steptoe and The Gangster.
Went to University at York to obtain a Physics degree to find out how the world works and was so painfully shy that I never talked to anyone but lived for the weekend when me and my small group of friends would go to Rooftop Gardens and get drunk.
I would always act the clown and was a bit of a celebrity when I had drunk enough named “Michael Madonna” by the venue in view of my Crazy dancing to the Madonna records of the period namely “Like A Prayer”, “Express Yourself” and “Cherish” this was 1989.
By 1990 enjoyed a holiday at Butlins and my friends started to depart with girlfriends but I wanted to still be Crazy and get drunk eventually they went off to do what normal people do get married while I went into a period of extremes which I dare not discuss on line.
In July I met my Grim Reaper and spent 13 weeks in Pinderfields with 33% burns, in 1991 started work at Sellers which would dominate the next 9 years of my life before I was made redundant for writing crazy newsletters about the company, I would write these in the mad fantasy world I would visit whist inebriated on Superstrength lager on a weekend.
July 2001 started work at Hogwarts, which have been very accommodating to me, and just 9 weeks ago decided to stop drinking by attending the AA, opening my mind to a higher power after seeking advice from my 9 year old son.
I truly believe in keeping a open mind since your mind works best when it’s open like a parachute.
I do feel a lot of pain when telling my story but I cannot now do anything about the past but I can do something about the future, when you think that I have wasted all those years in a alcoholic haze.
Anyway it has been a absolutely exhausting week and my niece “Little Miss Squeaky” wants to go on this computer so I will close for tonight with just one resentment.
I felt a little left out today when leaving Hogwarts knowing that everyone there would be having a good night out at the Canteen Cats leaving do, but I know full well if you sit long enough in a barbers shop you will sooner or later get your hair cut.
DAY 63
I think this may be my last share under the umbrella of “After The Honeymoon” because the depression I associated with this particular phase of my recovery has almost vanished and I feel ready to move on to another chapter of my life.
I have had a good weekend and decided to give a little rest to these postings since I was beginning to suffer resentments because of them, The Messiah had mentioned that he did not like him being mentioned on the public internet even though nobody knew who he was.
But, my higher power seems to keep filling my head with a desire to write them and it seems that is the only way I can feel better or even should I say have any sort of feelings what-so-ever so I must persevere but I must also tread very carefully by keeping everyone’s anonymity.
On Saturday, my 11 year old niece “Little Miss Squeaky” insisted that I must take her to my old drinking buddy “The Gangsters” house so that she could accompany “The Cave Girl” and her fiancé “Fubu Man” up town.
This I think was a test by my higher power and I must admit it was one that I had just about enough strength for, I was photographed by Fubu-Man with his camera phone looking like I was holding a can of superstrength but it was in fact The Gangster who was placing the can so it looked that way.
My 9 year son Luke Skywanker also escorted me throughout the experience and caused a great deal of laughter when he said that he could concentrate on being a kid again now that his daddy had decided to give up drinking.
I told The Gangster has he drunk his can of Rocket Fuel and I sipped my coffee that I just could not drink again ever and he agreed that I was much worse that he ever was and that it was very wise of me to seek help but had no intention of doing so himself despite the fact that it was 11am in the morning and he was just opening his fourth can.
Anyway we all went up town and had a great afternoon, Luke choose to go back to The Gangsters house to play with his son “CK” while I choose to go back to my mums and take the dog for a walk rather than suffer any more temptation.
Today I have been to Dewsbury to celebrate my ninth week sober and listen to words of wisdom from my true Jedi Masters now, many who have found pathways to many many years of sobriety and are willing to share there experiences with others so that they themselves get greater inner strength.
I young girl called “Priestly” was sharing her experience and seemed to have suffered every possible disorder under the sun and was currently consuming a whole catalogue of drugs to keep her dry for the last nine months.
I myself again gave Feargal Sharkey a lift there and we shared our experiences on route, she is much wiser and further up the steps than myself having just commenced work on the living steps of ten, eleven and twelve whilst I seem to have stalled at step 3 and my now ex-sponsor seems to have lost interest in me.
I have now had a better offer from my true mentor, Master Yoda, who was the one who brought me to this very meeting some 9 weeks ago but who I originally did not ask due to him already being a sponsor to “The Future Rugby Player” who I am one of the chauffeurs of so I have decided to sack SS.
No detriment to SS but when I did see him we never seemed to be on the same wavelength and my sobriety is more important to me now than anything else in my life since if I fail I wont have a life to speak of.
Master Yoda shared in his usual jovial way about the Tetley Bitter advert when the drinker ends up with some beautiful blonde bird after consuming the beverage but he added the reality is more likely to be some guy laid out under a viaduct with piss stains on his pants and swigging meths!
He added the twelve Jedi steps of the Jedi academy were to set us free and if followed properly would help the main sharer, Priestley, away from all the props she currently finds herself with he also asked me after the Academy was over that I should finish my training with him and could come to Degabah sometime next week.
David Attenbrough then followed the Undertaker and Yoda into one of his emotional speeches about the “ism” of alcoholism which he says is an acronym for “I Sacrifice Myself” and without alcohol can lead to a whole host of other addictions such has self harm, bullemia, compulsive disorders, anorexia and depression to name but a few.
The Messiah remarked after the meeting that he must practice these speeches in front of the bathroom mirror with a toilet roll as a microphone such is the spontaneous emotion that he puts into them and I must admit I share this observation hence the pseudonym “David Attenbrough”
So another Sunday evening came to a close as I gave Feargal Sharkey a lift back to her home and we exchanged our usual deep small talk about my next step which I must now face with my true Master without any fear.
So has I said I at the start I will now close this Share and indeed this Chapter and move on to the third part of my recovery which I am entitling “A Splinter Of The Minds Eye”
Thanks for listening GNGB and May The Force Be With You
