Sellers

Tour Of Sellers Its The Hard that makes good

By MAD MICK

Down Chapel Hill from Huddersfield on the right about 500 yards down exists a large engineering works called Sellers employing about 100 people Walking through the main gates to the right is the remains of the old Huddersfield narrow canal where Tom Nidole caught a fish in the early 1970's.

At present the canal flows through a underground pipe following the site being filled in during the mid 1970's and is due to be reopened by the turn of the millennium but all that is being done at the moment (early 1998) is people keep digging holes everywhere.

Leaving the canal and walking to the left (away from the canal) we walk towards the offices - this is the brains of Sellers where all the important people work, although to the common working man at Sellers no one can confess to really know what goes on in there, it is surrounded in mystery and rumor.

Walk down to the right past reception where many strange goings on occur and you are faced with the Joiners Shop, the home of chuckles and his assistant, they are in charge of repairs and the manufacture of all the wood products.

Past the Joiners we venture then turn to the left underneath the steps to the retirement room where parts are stored into the Progress.

We now enter the Hub of Sellers, yes, the Progress, run under the guidance of the Balloon Warden and his two subordinates; Mad Mick and Barry.

Barry is a very hardworking individual, he also likes rugby and runs a children's rugby team, Barry likes Clive the Balloon Warden.

Mad Mick however is a very strange person, he comes to work every morning on a mountain bike with a child's seat on the back for his son Luke and to tell the truth most of the time the lights are on but nobody's in.

Mad Mick will one day be a famous author but not with drivel like this, he will probably have to practice a few more years yet, but one day he will be a millionaire, Keep your dreams alive he says. . . .

lf you dare, venture into the progress toilets where there have been reported two ghosts; one resides in the locked cubicle nearest the window, it has now been locked up permanently, and the key is kept on 24 hour guard in the progress once where Clive lives.

In the middle basin of the Progress toilets a Finger bas been reported popping out of the plug-hole and "waving" merrily at terrified visitors.

The Phantom Finger has been spotted by Mad Mick, Peter Gallagher John Earnshaw and Steven Wilde said he saw it once, numerous Plumbers have checked the pipes but nothing has been found to date.

Visitors who have seen the Phantom Finger have been known to run out in states of near terror and have been never the same again but most of us assume that it is a indication of some form of life after death.

Leaving the Progress Department and walking up the slope and to the left through a large set of doors that are usually left open, we come to the Machine Shop; under the expert guidance of Chiefy and his assistant Wally Wonker ( a relation of Willy Wonker).

On first sight the machine shop looks like a working museum but, has you look more closely you realize it is a working museum even down to the people who play, I mean work in there; but, don't stay too long because in a dark recess in the far corner Big Brother is watching you! The Machine Shop consists of three bays, the first being the children's play area where there is some swings and a bit of a slide and a see-saw, the second is for more mature individuals such as Aussie and Jeeves.

The third bay is where all the important decisions are made regarding the day to day running of the place and is also the site of the lost persons once, where lost children are reunited with their parents, of course if difficulties are encountered they may be referred to Big Brother or even higher in the hierarchy.

The Paint Shop is next on our tour, the first bay is the old part whereas the newly built second bay was completed early 1997 the chief painter is a down to earth character known under the pseudonym of Laa-laa Davis and he is responsible for running the show.

His men include Poe Anstock; a keen Huddersfeld Town commiserated I mean supporter who has been present at every match right back when Town won the FA cup in 1923.

There's Tinky Winky Wood who isn't one to hang around in the toilets and believes going to the toilets is habit forming, but he has a good relationship with his TV remote control and last but not least is our only west Indian Dipsy Clarke the walking megaphone - just how can you miss him.

The Paint Shop certainly has the warmest atmosphere at Sellers that's why it is known affectionately by the rest of us as Tele-tubbie-land (its where you go when you want to get soon hiiiiiiiiigh! Everyday at two-thirty the Tele-tubbies (as they are known collectively) all eagerly await the brief visit by our one and only Spice Girl who keeps up the moral Leaving the Paint Shop you are presented with a beautiful view of The River Colne, many rare breeds of plants and animals habit this wonderful stretch of water.

About 50 yards walk from the paint shop exit up the side of the river you come to the Bogs where otters have their sleep, in the far cubicle a pair of shoes will be seen poking out of under the door this is the home of a local tramp who is busy getting high on various solvents that lie around the place.

From the Bogs follow up the side of the wall and you come to the dark and depressing Grinding Department, very few venture into the grinding since the occupants being very lonely usually talk the visitor to death or try to make them see sense and become a millionaire.

The Fitting shop is situated adjacent to the Grinding and is often likened to a the Monday Market, with groups of hardworking Fitters working together in extreme efficiency around individual machines that they assemble and others touring around commenting on the genius for this place is what sellers is all about; The production of machines that form part of the process of making carpets.

The fitting is currently under the command of Disappearing Tommy who will be superseded by a new foreman Appearing Kevin.

The fitting is also a subsidiary of Tommy Noon Timbers INC, a highly profitable wood removal and garbage recycle business under the ownership of Tommy Noon who is the part time fitting shop laborer.

Finally like a company of its own lurks the Tin Shop, situated adjacent to the Machine & Paint Shop building and under the expert guidance of Sir B.S. Wilder and the authors dad, tufty, with much advice to its daily running from the expert forklift driver and computer wizard, the much underrated Numbnuts.

The Tin Shop is divided into three bays, Bay three is the first you would enter on your return from the Fitting conveniently avoiding the Electricians who are a very reserved community in itself Bay Three contains the Huddersfeld Town debating society and the Fabrication Department, it is where big complicated structures are made, Tufty and SBSW reside in the office in the middle of the 3 bays which you would pass by on your journey into Bay One.

Bay one contains some of the most exquisite examples of modern art known which go on to form parts of future sellers machines, Bay two is another play area because it is out of sight of the Tin Shop Office, its where people meet for a chat and have a fag, play cards etc. . .

Walking out of Bay 2 by a wicket door you can breathe the fresh air again because you have completed your tour of sellers - just one big happy family of individuals slaving away in order to earn an honest income, but paying for another British citizen to do nothing all day and for Robin Cooke to take his fiancee to go on holiday, but someone has to pay for others lives of pure leisure. So good-bye Sellers and good luck to all who sail in her you may now exit at the main gates and continue with your life as we all pay for it

The Finger

I got to work late that morning and I was hung over and $$$$$$$, the Balloon Warden advised me not to lose my job because I would turn into a full time %%% $$$$$$$ and alcoholic. . . .

I walked into the Progress toilets to get away from the fatherly advice. . .

The toilets were clean as I had cleaned them of all their contents yesterday, sorry I mean cleaned them yesterday's I strolled over and filled the basin next to the mirror.

I felt dreadful ! It was quarter to eight Wednesday morning, neither here nor there, but nearly christmas thank god, I could have a rest over Christmas.

Suddenly. . . I heard a noise like tapping. . . ..tapping finger on porcelain. . I looked around the toilet and no-one was there. . .weird.

I proceeded to fill the basin so I could have my daily bath and there it was again a tapping sound.

I looked to the sound of the tapping this time and to my astonishment I saw finger it was popping out of the plug hole of the end wash basin near the urinals, occasionally it tapped at the porcelain around the plug.

At first I thought this is a good practical joke, where's Jeremy Beadle, I looked under the basin and all appeared normal.

How can a finger be doing that I thought, I must be hallucinating, I blinked my eyes and still there was the finger, like it was waving to me.

This cannot be real, how can a finger be there. . .

Just A Finger..

In the end basin near the urinals of the progress toilets there was a finger busily poking out of the plug-hole and waving at me! It then proceeded to tap around the hole like a lost gesture.

This cannot be happening l'm hallucinating too much beer and $$$$$ that's what it was, but it was there as clear as day.

In a moment of blind panic, I left the basin near the mirror and shot out of there.

I was met outside the toilets by the balloon warden and he gave me the crime-sheets for the morning A list of whom by order of department was late and absent, so in a zombie like wide eyed state ( strangely no-one asked me if I was alright ) l took them to each department.

Only Sir Brown-smock wilder and I quote: SBSW: you look rough ... late night? Me. yes , and I saw a finger . . . . . . . . . .shit . . .

SBSW: eh

Me: I mean I won't linger around here I've got an excruciating hang-over to work off and I can't do with seeing my dad in this state..

With that I walked off - with SBSW staring at me shaking his head. . .

It was afternoon before I dared venture into the Progress toilets again. . .Of course Michael you was imagining it - how can there be a finger in the end basin from the mirror - where is the rest of this person.

I sneaked round the corner into the toilets and to my relief all the basins were empty.

I looked around as I more confidently entered and noticed the end cubicle was engaged, then in all most a second later I heard the toilet flush.

OASIS emerged, oblivious as usual to my presence.

l said ''Hello'' in my usual strange way.

He proceeded to the wash basins to wash his hands he choose the middle basin.

I was just stood in the toilets with no reason for being there so I decided to explain my presence.

l said I've just come to check there is no finger . . I mean check there is some soap in the basins'' He mumbled something then left the toilets. . .

The end basin immediately grabbed my attention but it was completely absent of any evidence of there ever been a finger I walked with caution over to the plug-hole of the basin and looked down.

To my astonishment I heard a whoosh sound and was greeted by the friendly finger popping out of the hole again; I fell back in astonishment, I must be mad.

I ran out of those toilets that day and to this day I do not like to enter them - Was that also Stanley's Ghost? Bad gas ne vellum It is 1997 nearly 1 99: and the whole world seems crazy and that is when Pm soar.

ney say |inkpositive and all around is negative thinking and the ship is pinkings does what we think as individuals -a fll)ezlc.e our future, if we-get up in a morning and think 'Oh not another lousy day at %11|', guess what, yes another lousy day at seeders! (we get up ill a 1n011:| and think off gig another excited day at Sellers and paint a file (m then everyone

Remember Your Dreams

Dreams are part of us, they are us The real world out there is what we believe is there We are what we think we are There is one reality and the other is dreams or are there dreams and is there illusion called reality The new physics points the way where all matter is determined by consiousness Everything we see is a hologram created by the mind The mind exists outside space and time it is the ultimate observer That is why we reap what we sow and everything comes back to the sender If we learn to be awake while we dream we will become aware that..

We are Masters of Our Destiny, we make our reality Dreams can come true if we believe them Do not spend one third of your lives asleep in front of your master; the dream But remember your dreams and write them down For as the end of the millennium approaches they will be your only salvation Dreaming is natural selection of the probable futures registering in our brain Our brain is but a TV set tuning to a channel, it is a machine We are mind living a dream on the three dimensional universe of what we are conditioned to believe is real.

Remember as a child when you failed to distinguish 'reality ' and the dream-world Life was infinitely more rich Don't spend a third of your lives asleep but listen to your master The guardian angel sends us our scripts but we choose to ignore them Its only a dream we say, its only reality they say and the status quo remains We all have a life to do as we wish, things are so ordered But why live without our guide who is the captiousness and let the ego win We like to think we are the best, we like to believe we are right But life is about learnings and learning is about life So listen to your master talking and listen to your dreams We do not live in a material solid universe or even in time and space But we are adore on a giant world scene and believe what we embrace We look to others in envy and still to others in sorrow But we do not realize our real fate until the closing of the chapter which we finally see the light So for your own salvation remember your dreams and be conscious throughout And you will discover a meaning to life you can never do without A Jedi Remembers his 'dreams'

ven in time and space But we are adore on a giant world scene and believe what we embrace We look to others in envy and still to others in sorrow But we do not realize our real fate until the closing of the chapter which we finally see the light So for your own salvation remember your dreams and be conscious throughout And you will discover a meaning to life you can never do without A Jedi Remembers his 'dreams'

Life As A Glorified Slave MICK

I am currently just an ordinary working man, working at a place situated 500 yards down chapel hill from Huddersfield on the right.

You get up around half past six if you can manage it when every body else in Bradley where I live is asleep dreaming about giro-day when they can buy a few cheap bottles of White lightning cider and let their hair down a bit.

All my neighbours have all day free to earn quick cash on the thriving black economy while us the tax-payer pays for their rent and council tax with the first two deductions from our wages National Insurance and Income tax.

This also pays for a huge number of bickering civil servants who let hundreds of so called asylum seekers come into our country, pay for exotic holidays for thousands of Lords and politicians.

This leaves me with a little over £ 150 on a basic week after I have paid for my pension which was originally what the national insurance scheme was designed for.

If I have just one day off ill I can end up owing them something...

I get my wage paid direct into a bank account at Yorkshire bank on a Thursday and if Kirklees don't make a mistake £40 is direct debited from my account for the rent, which is free for nearly everybody else and this leaves me with £110 Next comes The Council Tax, now what is this for we all wonder, a tiny proportion goes to the fire service, the police and of course the dustbin men who never hardly empty your bin and when they do it is mostly all over your back garden.

But most of it is wasted on a load of bungling councillors who decide first to spend it on putting ramps all over the roads around Dalton then spend another large proportion on their removal again! say good-bye to another £ 15 for this legalized robbery.

Now I am down to just £ 95, a further £ 7 gas and £ 7 electric and don't forget those sneaky sods at the Waterboard who charge £ 6 per week to pipe rain water treated with various brain washing chemicals to your taps and this leaves just £ 75.

The Bank take another £ 15 to pay for the governments ''student loans scheme'' where they gave me a completely useless degree in Physics that qualifies you to teach others what you have learned and most of the Physics professors do not believe in life after death, so what exactly are we here to learn? A further £ 20 keeps the ex happy and I am down to only 40 quid.

I answer the door to the TV license people with throbbing toothache because I cannot afford to go to the dentists (yet if you don't work that along with prescription charges is free) ''What! you don't have a TV everyone has a TV somewhere '' ''The only TV have is my window'' I reply "anyway why should I pay to be brainwashed by the media? like everybody else '' Half of the forty quid left is taken cam of easily by food and household essentials such as washing powder and I beg all my clothes of kind fellow work mates.

l do my shopping with a huge back breaking rucksack on my mountain bike and guess what I have twenty pounds left this week... or at least I thought I had but where has it gone..

It seems Yorkshire bank have charged me £30 bank charges for being overdrawn during previous months through no fault of my own, the Waterboard and Kirklees council were responsible for sneaky cock ups on their part.

Now those bank charges have made me overdrawn and the bank send me a letter saying I must see them in person in the next seven days or they will charge me an extra thirty pounds for the work they must do viewing my overdrawn account on a daily basis.

One week Yorkshire Bank failed to process a cheque I had given them for the barks solicitors who are now responsible for recovering the student loan since the bank was unable to acknowledge my change of address and resulted in sending untold numbers of bailiffs round to my old vacant address before passing the matter to their solicitors.

The result of the bank not processing the cheque resulted in a rather nasty warning letter from and a further charge of £ 15, when I phoned them to tell them I had all the receipts they hung up on me! The bank did on this occasion admit their mistake but they felt it must be my fault somewhere along the line. ..

So why do people keep working when others are doing nothing all day and are better off financially, to answer this question I visited the social to and out how much I would get if I gave up slaving away..

NOTHING for six months except a few food tokens, so in reality all us working folk are just glorified slaves.

We pay to keep a huge pyramid of useless government officials and councillors who do not even have to pay a TV license and receive five figure salaries.

We pay for all those so called unfortunate souls who are sadly without jobs, but secretly I envy them I pedal on Leeds road in the wind and rain and totally skirt, but there is hopefully one person who will lend me enough for a pack of gigs.

The person responsible for helping bring me into this rotten world my dad...

"Dad will you buy me aback of cigs" I haven't had one for weeks'' ''Piss Off" ''Go on dad you Forest in beer and cigs and even make his dinners and decorate his bedroom for him '' Forest my brother moved back to my parents house and gave up working when all this became too much for him "Yes but he has got nothing, what do you do with all your money? '' "I have got nothing and that brother of mine cannot even be bothered to get off his arse to catch a bus to town to sign on'' ''Its all stopping this Christmas and you both will have to fend for yourselves'' He hesitantly gives me £ 1.50 for a pack of cheap cigs that the government make £ 1.30

on in tax.

The fact is as we approach the turning of the millennium a great number of people are turning away from honesty, especially those who form the base of the vast pyramid.

The roots are crumbling and those high up know they are crumbling, you look around Bradley where I live and see the majority of the youths are despondent with boredom.

I am not bored though, I at least have free entertainment at my place of work which gives me a psychological advantage if not a financial one.

But guess what else happens when you go to work, the bored youths get wind of your absent periods during the day from your flat so they go and rob you, so you have to splash out on house insurance, which is deemed by the powers that be another unnecessary luxury.

So what do I do when I am skint and no TV to watch.. I write about my dreams in a fantasy world with characters as diverse as The Balloon Warden, Tiny Tears and The Teletubbies, I go into my own world and write and write and write LTR9F MAD MICK PUBLICATIONS 1998

Secret Squirrels Jedi academy (SSJA)

NSR12RR Jedi Michael

I arrived at Sellers after being robbed on Friday 13th and having an awful weekend, I was emotionally drained and desperately needing the deep kinship of my fellow work mates.

Dipsy and Laa Laa tried hard to lift my mood with jokes about Captain Beaky's nose and the destruction of Sadam Husain this made me feel worse.

After the robbery at my flat I was sat waiting for a hour for an unmarked policeman to arrive, who after accusing me of doing the robbery myself said he was unable to get the door secured until the fingerprint people had been.

It was 4a.m. in the morning before they decided to make an appearance and after analysing a rather large boot print on my door they were able to come to the conclusion that it was a size 11 they claim that narrowed this down to some 1 million people.

Finally they were able to call the council emergency repairmen who managed to make a very temporary repair.... that was the longest and emptiest night of my life so far but adversity does reap rewards in wisdom, after all life is just a game.

When I called at the Housing office today to try to arrange for a more permanent repair end to request a transfer to a quiver area of Bradley, the woman behind the desk was more interested in the colour of her computer screen.

After I told her of my plight, she informed me that where I lived was a quieter area of Bradley to which I added 'and yes, its also the coldest with no door', but, ms is so often now a days I was fobbed off with mindless forms to fill in.

Another night of uncertainty gave rise to Tuesday's episode of 'Sellers' that is beating coronation street round Bradley with regards to soap opera popularity.

I enquired with Ettie Wainthropp [The Vice warden] about the possibility of putting a bit of a camp-bed in his office, he was somewhat taken a back by this strange request and suggested maybe of seeing Captain Beaky about maybe of living in the Pool room.

I would also have access to the canteen and I would have the quadruple purpose of acting ms a night watchman and being able to write these stories on site and I wouldn't have ride to work every morning f'reezing to death on dilapidated mountain bikes.

I told Ettie Wainthropp [The Vice warden] That Society was breaking down economically and socially he said...."Around you maybe but where I live everything seems fine'' but I think its only a matter of time before material possessions and money become superfluous.

Forest, my brother has no material possessions to blind him he is happy just being... I think he knows deep down things are changing very rapidly and has decided to hibernate until the other side of the millennium, he will however learn very little soul progression...

It is Wednesdays episode of Sellers Secret Squirrel has organised a Jedi Academy school of lifting using the force....

I have not achieved this aspect of my training with my Jedi Master so I had to manually lift all the castings and fabrications required for the demonstration.

I believe Laa Laa was first to hold his bend out in front of him to use "The Force'' ... and imagine in his minds eye casting to begin to levitate in thin air ... but I was quickly escorted away at this point by a very angry Danger Mouse [Addaladdie] Onslo said the most important aspect of lifting is delegation.. I also asked the question of why Danger Mouse was there because he never lifts anything, its poor Penfold all the time, this resulted in a round of applause and a very angry look off Dangermouse Since I was not invited to the honourable Jedi Academy of lifting I must remain content to use the crane was the thought that entered my head as I ambled back to bay 3 of the tin-shop to load Sophie my girlfriend.

A mass debate by the chairman of the mass debating society was urgently assembled with regards to the Jedi Academy. it consisted of me, Step Rebok, Mutley and of course The Chairman.

It was mutually decided without the aid of Barny Rubble who was sulking in the corner that the heaviest thing that Stroll On lifts is his pot of tea. Onslo his poach of tobacco and The balloon Warden would not to be able to decide to lift it or call Born 2B Wild cos daft micks got a day off.

Just telephoned Building Services of the exact time they are coming to fix my door, they are not used to people working for a living so, a special arrangement has to be mode...

Wonderwood, my daddy, says 'With the insurance claim keep things reasonable, a £2000 diamond wedding ring will look a bit suns, and definitely will not be believed was the possession of a scruffy council flat occupant' How am I supposed to know each exact time and date when I bought the items?! "Can get where water can't get that bloke!!!" comments Magic-man to the presence of Danger Mouse in the Jedi school of lifting urgently organized by Secret Squirrel.

Dipsy says..... ''..... LIVE LIVE IN THE JEDI SCHOOL OF LIFTING......

all the brown smocks are sat round a table and are holdings hands deep in concentration-... the casting is poised in mid air shakily.... slowly the millennium box nearby begins to lift into the air....

That 's it says Secret Squirrel.... Calm ... Calls.. FEEL THE FORCE FLOW THROUGH Y0U.... Just then the concentration of the Balloon Warden is broken by the site out of the window of a hot air balloon the circle is broken....

All the items suspended in the air along with R2 the droid unit that had been faithful to Luke on so many adventures came crashing to the floor...

CONTROL !!! You must learn CONTROL shouts an exasperated Secret Squirrel to a bemused Balloon Warden....... '' We NEED this Brockway job reports Mr Happy, they are due to sign for it on Monday and if all goes well all the Sellers characters will be keeping The 168 hour man and hopefully that nutty Jedi guy company.

Other hopes are the seating for the Millennium dome which would hopefully keep us in work into.... you said it the millennium Finally! I receive a phone call from a... fiona from Building Services... She does not yet know what day they will be able to fix my door properly, but will drop a letter through the piece of cardboard they refer to has a door.. It was of course sent to my dad again by Lady Laughter.

Floating Ronnie was very happy to assist me with the release of life in 7BC the very popular publication indeed I think Ronnie should start his own publications into life in the past...

I AM SURE I DO NOT SPEAK JUST FOR MYSELF but I am sure we are all losing the plot sometimes now-a-days..

''Oh he's here again, a bit thin on the ground about things to write about'' says Tinky Winky as I approach all the Teletubbies assembled in the Paint Shop affectionately named Teldubbieland by the rest of us.

"He must be... he even had to invite burglars in for a story'' as I hurry my Darth Vador like approach I hear this whispered by Poe to the wide eyed group. . .

''Its TITANIC on in the social club'' shouts Poe.... ''its our sitting this afternoon.... '' he says gaining a breath.... he adds gulping... ''Celine Dion will just now have started her song... My

Heart Will Go On . ... . . ''

The Rainbow Warrior (see NS IF or NS 1RX) is the latest recruit to the mailing lists for these letters however Lady Penelope is the official representative you need to inform for distributorship within the office complex.. I just write down you lots quotes and hope they reach the right ears... Thats the synchronously of the force..

The Balloon Warden said.. It is important for you to bend your knees when lifting with feet wide apart and one foot slightly forward of the other a bit like a boxers stance...

Chiefy however said... Due to my burns this standard lifting technique maybe will not be appropriate to the vast majority of this nutty workforce...

The Chairman Of The Mass debating Society had earlier in the day informed me that his knees lack cartilage, hence he has to lift using his back...

Sellers World An Oasis Of Happiness In An Unhappy World

Sellers we have a problem all the overall trousers zips seem to be breaking l have witnessed this embarrassing problem throughout the works and it does need to be seen to by someone.

Why do they keep breaking. . . .well. . .

At Sellers we have whole spectrum of characters some who have been there a long time some have been there all their working (nearly said waking) lives and still don't want to leave whereas at other firms people come and go that fast you rarely get to know them.

I think sellers has a free range attitude to its workers and allow for human errors we are all humans after all and part of a collective cautiousness within ourselves.

It explains why anchor cows produce the best butter and why free range hens produce the best eggs basically because the animals are treated right.

I think morale at Sellers is on a up and I think if we all work well as a team helping each other not just financially but spiritually and emotionally. . .

A Dwarf Foreman from Lancashire today was reported by a witness not to be named to be actually locked in Big Brothers office by some sort of freakish accident although the eyewitness could not be certain of is identity because the dwarf foreman from Lancashire was surrounded by a cloud of smoke. ' The Store-man on duty was reportedly of freed the gentleman later in the evening Quite a few people recently have been reported to be swearing cursing even punching the clocking in machine in the Machine Shop because of the machines slack attitude to respond to people when they are trying to tell it something.

The machine in question has been sending peoples information to the company computers which keep track of the employees times either sometimes or not at all It has been reported by some people to answer back to them further infuriating the employee using it.

The machine seems to have developed a poltergeist like mind of its own.

It is however situated near Eric Sellers Automatic opening doors or at least what's left of them situated at the top of the Progress slope and who knows Mr Sellers Spirit may still have an interest in the companies survival.

Big Brother as been reported reading Exchange & Mart so may be we might get the system sorted out soon.

The Paint shop special Laa Laa Laa Laa says he has worked at Sellers since 1985 when Madonna ruled the charts she had Eight top ten hits that year Like A Virgin No.3, Material Girl No.3, Crazy For

You No.2, Into The Groove No.1, Holiday No.2, Angel No.5, Gambler No.4 and

really Dress You Up no.5.

He goes on to say that he enjoys working at Sellers but admitted he was sorry about our captains apple blossom.

His hobbies include going to the boozer and going on holidays abroad with teacher this steady girlfriend) and her brat (no relation) He has under his supervision three men who have been nicknamed Dipsy, Poe and Tinky Winky Tarquin.

Dipsy has worked at Sellers a full 10 years in September so rejoined in 1988 that was an absent year for Madonna she had just one minor hit called 'The Look Of Love' No.9.

He thinks Sellers is great and his favorite football team is Manchester United and he hates Chelsea and Leeds United.

His hobbies include Football, Cricket and Loud Singing & Gun-wash Sniffing. lts his birthday on March 12th and all his friends are meeting at five thirty at Tayler Quiglys or an something and going to Wakefield to meet the nightlife.

He his getting married this August.

Tinky Winky has worked at Sellers 16 years since he joined in 1982 before Madonna was hi Y t Deighton High School (since closed).

even heart of and l was at school in the 3 ear a He likes to do a bit of gardening, he has a son and a daughter and five grand-kids but he misses his wife.

Poe Anstock is considering leaving the Tele-tubbie club and joining The Huddersfield Town Mass Debating Society the HTFC MDS whose chairman his Mr Higgs The radio in Teletubbie land sometimes gets on his nerves but he's a loyal Madonna Fan and has purchased the last two Madonna singles Another Suitcase Another Hall march last year and reached number 7 and her new single 'Frozen' due to be number one very shortly so get your bets on Chiefy.

John owns a supercharged car despite its unsinister appearance that can get to London in Two hours, He loves nothing better than a Cornish Pasty after his regular games of Dominoes, He plays for The Riding in Golcar if anyone is interested in coming along and cheering him on.

He's a very cheerful guy and always obliging to help you and he is as strong as an Ox a certain to win a Sellers Arm-wrestling competition if one was ever done.

He has two sons who share his enthusiasm for his favorite singer Madonna and he enjoys life a day at a time.

He has been at Sellers only two years but in that time he has made many friends and enjoys the warm atmosphere here.

That's it I've just got back from taking my mum shopping. Every Thursday my nearly 62 year old mum goes shopping with me on the back of my motorcycle to ASDA at the top of Bradley Road. to F briary 1998) I have had a day off today (Thursday 26 th Feb 1998) to have a day with my 3 year old son Luke. I took him mountain biking on my adapted bike. I have paid for everything except gas and electric, which I will get tomorrow.

I've also closed the window of my elderly next door neighbor (I must apologize for American spelling) because she was a bit cold now I can get back to writing this Sellers World Magazine. . . , .

There is a major problem been noticed by drivers of the pick up...The radio is stuck on Classic F.M. and this is very distracting to drivers who suffer from depression or mania the problem is being investigated by our chauffeur. The Great One's van is also causing problems for wagon drivers using the Tele-tubbie land exit being parked too close to the door and numerous complaints have fallen on deaf ears but I have not directly approached the Great One himself for fear of serious repercussions.

The Health: and Safety Officer has been round Seller for the past few days Aussie was asked where is goggles were and he replied Oh its my turn a week on Tuesday' and the inspector was unable to keep up with mad Mick's busy schedule when he finally caught up with him was astonished at the amount of different jobs he had to do 'Its a wonder there are enough hours in a day to do what you do' he said.

He was unable to give any advice on overcoming depression.

I told him also about the Finger in the Progress Toilets but I didn't see him go in and check The number of Sellers employees spotted outside the cash machine at 00:01 on Thursday mornings is on the increase according to one survey it is up 23% on last years figure.

Finally sport and grim faces all round as Huddersfield Town continue their battle in the Football matches recently and Forest Gump a close relation of mine continues his walking marathon.

I think I had better come back down from the moon remix Monday morning on the 20th July 1998, Raining as usual, me and Born 2B Wild arrived ready for another exciting day in the Progress at Sellers Huddersfield and Co under the new T.I.T. regime..

The Balloon Warden however, was on holiday visiting his relations on Jupiter so me and Born 2B Wild were without a leader and balloons seeing a perfect opportunity were springing up all over the place.

Born 2B Wild said he was going to see a doctor because he wasn't feeling very well just lately and he came back with a sick note and left me all by myself phones ringing, Ettie Wainthropp wanted wagon moving, The British Standards Brigade were coming round and Lady Penelope was pressurizing me for another story...

I started to develop Balloon fever the symptoms were very clear, incessant silent whistling and a constant scratching of my bonce and a feeling of been somehow apart from everyone.

Chiefy however, seeing I was a little out of my depth came to my rescue and showed me how to rush around the machine shop and look busy and flustered, Aussie gave me a pat on head and said I was doing very well I think to keep up my confidence.

Wonderwood repeatedly requested for the wagon to be delivered to Bay three the home of Step Rebok who came to my help later in the week when I left some bits behind, The Chairman of the mass debating society, Barny Rubble and Mutley.

The wagon however was lost in The lost world and Mr Amway said the crane was out of action it was loaded with cylinders but Sophie, The Wagon said she wanted to play out, Sophie is my girlfriend.

Captain Beaky came to see me and find out how I was coping all by myself he said in conversation that he had been clubbing it the night before with Captain Cack and had a few too many Tik Taks, he added one was feeling a little faint.

Me, Captain Beaky and Chiefy then all ganged up on ''You can't con them thats conned thousands and Beaky told him that Sellers is not a charity before we all went to look what patterns were required for the next nine heads that Captain Wise had obtained.

Wonderwood gave me a father to son lecture on Wednesday morning, He said responsible now you have a son'' I said "I want bart to and I didn't want him to grow up with the highlight of ABC* Tour of York. But I did say that I had to act a bit sensible this week being under the enormous pressure of being in charge of the Hub Of Sellers, in fact actually in control of the steering wheel, with Chiefy as my co-pilot.

The Balloon Warden tells me the way he was taught by Darth Vader, he tells me very little about the administration duties and I was a bit lost for a while, so Chiefy kindly saved the day again, he even talked to me properly once or twice.

''What do you do with the scrap'' a very entertained officer asked from The British Standards Brigade ''Oh we throw it in the river but sometimes it does get caught in the weir'' he replied of course incest.

The officer asked me what I would do if I was handed a barcode requesting some 100 diameter BDMS, 50 long. I said I would get some 100 diameter and put it in the saw and cut it and then tie the bar code to it and put it on the floor in the required space suggested by the number on it then shed a tear while looking at the space that was once occupied by Buddha.

He seemed quite contented with my reply since he did not write any notes.

When the officer reached Teletubbie land and found Laa Laa ont gunwash again, he asked Laa Laa ''How do you know that part you are painting is the correct colour since the Barcode does not contain this information'' Laa Laa said he has been working in the paint-shop thirteen years and relies on the collective memory that has built up over this time, he also added that he has never painted any parts the wrong colour.

Collection of money and Distribution of sarnies to my fellow workers took up most of my mornings especially when people like Secret Squirrel, Magic Man and that lovely girl Lady Penelope were late ordering for the eight fifteen fax.

Anyway I am sat here now after seeing Peter The Painter, it is dinner time on Friday, I have just been entertained in The Lost World with Fred Flintstone and Mr. Amway, Fred Flintstone said my last letter was rubbish cos int want bout anything. .

Mr Amway however said Fred had no braincells, Fred responded with the statement ''Mr Amways can't read'' and a bit of a squabble broke out but was refereed by a nearby Captain Xerox who was busy taking figures of a rust bladestock.

Lady Spend has just sent Fred Flintstone to relieve me of £ 1.92 and a verbal warning from the heavy mob left me a little frightened so I payed up.

Mr Amways also gave me a leaflet about the value of home shopping, you can literally sit at your house and have your shopping delivered so I have ordered a weekly shopping list to be delivered from LIDL to my house every Thursday and I no longer have to move.

Aussie added ''it is so easy even Mr Amways can do it'' upon viewing the leaflet in question.

Friday afternoon started with a jolt to my consciousness with a tangy request for me to contact 2244, It was Chiefy, He said ''The tin shop want those bloody ends for beds over near Oasis'' "I am right on with that task I said along with the cylinders for Mystic Mark" ''Good lad he says to terminate the conversation and Lady Penelope walks into the Machine Shop to a load of cat calls and whistling.

I set off up to the lost world with Mystic Marks cylinders, he said his wife accidently hit him last night and he feels like he has a hangover, his nose does look a bit squashed, I hate noses they are silly.

Upon return to the Machine Shop, I take two frames into Teletubbie land and Me Dipsy and Mr Happy have a competition simulating one of Poes ''Heh's'', Poes says those cornish pasties from AR Jones up marsh are absolutely lovely and Dipsy says he is taking my wife out? Laa added Wonderwood was in stitches laughing when him and Dipsy mentioned his daughter in law, it was the first time they had seen Wonderwood openly laughing and it was weird.

Who is this wife I am supposed to be married to, everybody seems to know except me.

Chiefy showed Captain Beaky our new Tube Bay and on it lies a picture of Barnsley Bill who was the founder of The Tube Bay institution and the inspiration behind the idea.

It is now Friday afternoon a 2:15 pm and I am sat in trap l of the Machine Shop Bogs, I hurry the job in hand up, I cannot wait to get back to work.

Upon return to Sellers World Aussie says he cannot stand the excitement anymore, the new years honours list will go to our Captains for charity.

Cheesy said ''she came in for a can of pop, but she had no change, Chiefy shot down the shop to help out but he had no change either'' Captain Cack never used a safety net or the rope it was reported by a anonymous

person ????? Saturday morning saw Dipsy - The Walking Megaphone take the stage with his much talked about stag do which put him firmly on the stage, I was however not invited and had to resort to a prior resume hastily prepared by Li££le Tony....

Dipsy's Stag Do Plan

5p.m. Arrival 5:30p.m. Stripper £7 ENTRY FEE!!! 6p.m. Set Off to Blackburn 6:15 Drink Tim's Brandy ???? 7:30 Arrive Blackburn 7:40 Chat Up Sluts

Pam. Parraletic

8:30 SH*T your pants 9p.m. Big fight with locals (or between ourselves) 10:30 - 11pm Night Club 2 am Strip Dipsy and paint bollo*k Sellers Green 2.30a.m. Deposit Dipsy on hard shoulder DONT FORGET That Bowling Tournament on AUGUST 9TH lets use our social skills to make Sellers a winner and keep our jobs safe, We all need a vehicle in the next millenium *ABC Another Bloody Cathedral

THE JUNGLE TELEGRAPH Issue No 20 1st Sept 2000 one of the last

Further to last weeks edition about The Paint Shop getting new names based on the strange TV program "Rainbow" George Crow has made a complaint about his new name and himself being associated with "An incredibly stupid hippopotamus."

He wants his original name The Crow restored from this issue onwards and no further reference to him being called ''George'', or his generosity will cease immediately and he will no longer give me his copy of The Express everyday.

He added that he is not bothered about the rest of his fellow painters names, but he has gradually got to like being ''The Crow'' after a whole string of dreadful names in the past, reaching its worst when he was for a brief time referred to as Mr Ball-cock.

I make a full apology to "The Crow'' and hope he is now happy roosting with Bungle, Zippy and his boss Mo Mowlam in Sellers most colourful department; The Paint Shop.

Mad Dog Dave is still incidentally troubled by the question of which animal Zippy was supposed to represent and I have a few suggestions made by my fellow workers and friends, Luke my son says he is a dog, his mum Queen Amidala seems to think Zippy is an Alien, while Windows from the drawing office suggested Dave ought to see a psychiatrist and finally Captain Beaky said it was a ''stupid question and I should be thinking about work not children's TV characters" Am I going Crazy In The dungeons? I am back on frustration week, with Sophie after three weeks in solitary confinement of the dungeons of Sellers with just Growler the saw and the Failed Fitter to keep me company... I think I was starting to hallucinate seeing bar jumping out of the rack and three Failed Fitters wondering around.

The only thing I have had to amuse me is the sign above our progress entrance near the stores which each day either says ''yes'' or ''no'', Supergrass says the sign indicates weather his mate The All Seeing Eye has had sex or not.

I ask The All Seeing Eye about this strange activity and he says and I quote, ''Yes I have it so little, when I get it I need to tell the whole world'' The AIl Seeing Eye does not know weather his mate Supergrass is playing in the Singles friendly on June 25th he adds to this ''He is like god he moves in mysterious ways '' Anyway, so last week I was in the dungeons and it was another ''no'' day and I was cutting the 6mm diameter bar that makes the ''lazy tongs" you know those concertina like things which move a curtain round the carpet in those big plants we make.

Anyway this 6 millimeter bar is very fiddly for Growler to cut and often gets stuck in its hydraulic vice so my boss from one of Jupiter's many moons had a bright idea for once and he came up with the idea of shoving all these 6mm diameter bars into some steam pipe and saw that up instead.

His idea worked brilliantly but I still couldn't help thinking that those lazy tongs were like a sledgehammer to crack a nut, surely there is a cheaper alternative.

Twiggy seems to agree with me, Twiggy who is Thinking about purchasing one of those concrete block turner over machines so he can use it to exercise says.. "I spend three weeks assembling those lazy tongs, it must cost Sellers three grand or more to make them ''

Saturday

I finally made to work on a Saturday, normally at this time I am ligged in my bed dreaming but this week I am wide awake and I think I must be dreaming, Sellers isn't half a weird place to work, the better I have become at inter-personnel skills, i.e. talking to people the more I realize it.

Sellers is additive, maybe I am developing the early stages of Sellers Disease, my Manager Capt.

Xerox says I simply take too much of my work home with me and this is an example of a more chronic strain of the disease...

Just why do I do this? Why do I sit here for hours typing on this computer about the strange and often unbelievable things which go on at my place of work? I think I do it because I once suffered from a very deep case of manic depression and nobody would talk to me, so I started writing a news-letter to exercise my dying brain and so that people would talk to me more and then I would learn to talk to them.

Anyway rather than living in my world of dreams I am at Sellers on a Saturday and Fixby jokes that Born 2B Wild is so long returning the change from the sarnie money that he feels that Born 2B Wild could be stashing it away in a bank and making half a days interest out of it.

Born 2B Wild says in his defense that he had over £ 50 in money for some £ 28 of orders and giving out change takes time especially when his boss the failed fitter sends him after break to complete some wild task with Sophie.

I reach Saturday dinnertime and have my dinner on my way back to Bradley on a hill which was once part of the old Midland line and is very soon to become a cycle track, my dinner consists of a can of Kestrel Super Strength and I gaze at Dalton Bank and the rockies.

At the same moment as a train went past my dad The Stealth Bomber phoned me on my mobile asking me where I was taking my son, Luke and my niece Rebecca for their Saturday outing, I looked up Dalton Bank to the Rockies with all the clean air and lush green hillside and said ''The Rockies" Now anyone who reads these stories will know that I take Luke and Becky out every Saturday or rather they take me out they are like Rosy & Jim.

The Rookies are situated above Dalton Bank Road about 300 yards from Upper-heaton, the home of Cuz Wally and overlook most of Huddersfield from their high vantage point.

They consist of a number of rock faces that are perhaps 40ft at its highest and all over them are painted names of previous visitors, there is ''Russ 93'' "steady Toby woz ere '69'' and "Harry 99" is right at the top of a very difficult to climb rock face.

Luke and Becky are climbing the cliff while I enjoy the beautiful view, "why doesn't anyone else come here?" enquires my niece Rebecca 'Because most kids your age are at home playing with playstations or being electronically 'minded' somehow'' I reply..

''You don't always need toys'' she answers before going to run about in Cuz Wallys newly planted field of barley with Luke.

The Sellers Singles 2000 Bowling Tournament T'he Tournament this year at Farnley Tyas has so far proved about as popular relatively speaking as the Millennium Dome was nationally with respect to our tiny community, a lot are on holiday when the big date of Sunday 25th of June occur, others are watching UEFA on the TV, many are washing there hair, nobody in the machine shop will go unless their leader Fixby goes, but he can't he is busy.

The old saying, the more the merrier is true to light here come on, have a good day out, weather you are a spectator or a player it doesn't matter! Diet Coke Break promises she will attend and play with her husband in our knock out providing the date is unallocated in her husbands filofax Captain Beakys cousin, Tin Snips has also put his name down and our 168 hour man might promise an appearance if he can convince his wife who my dad, The Stealth Bomber, said he dated when it was dark so she couldn't see how ugly he was.

Follickly challenged Colonel Gadaffi and Magic-man are the only entries so far from The Fitting Shop but from Bradley I have so far enrolled Queen Amidala (Luke's mum) and her friend Juicy Lucy as well as two possibles, Grey Mick and Mr Muscles.

I am sure it will be a good day, and the food is free lets hope this year is another big success like all the previous years have been, and of course you will finally get to meet Zippy; a being we have collectively be wondering about for ages

Captain Xerox

My manager Captain Xerox, says he has worked at Sellers for over 22 years, he adds he used to work with the Mad Monk as well as live on the same street as him in the city of Honley, they worked at a design company situated in Brighouse.

When his company he worked for decided to move from Brighouse to Cleckheaton Captain Xerox made the decision to move to a company which was placed a little nearer to his tiny city.

He had applied to join the Sellers team five years before this and he had reached right up to the final interview stage with just one other chosen possible employee and then he never heard from Sellers again, apparently Eric Sellers who was in charge then had gone to visit the States and the saga of the new draughtsman had simply been forgotten.

Captain Xerox was angered however by this ignorant act of a multinational company so he upon seeing another advert by Sellers for a draughts person five years hence he decided to apply for it with an indignant covering letter in which he explained ''quite rudely'' about Sellers demoralizing behavior.

Eric however was an unusual character, when he received the letter he was bowled over by its explicit content and decided to phone Captain Xerox immediately and ask him to come for an interview.

And...The Madness Keeps Coming..unedited Version

MAD MICK (NS8RX) New Sellers not revised ext Two nil two nil Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough....I am a football fanatic now...

First thing Monday morning and I arrive pissed up as usual Captain Beaky is busy taking the Huddersfield Town vs QPR notices down, he says ''What's This '& Son'" referring to my name on the list, he adds ''your son can't come so are you willing to come if your name is picked out'' I replied "Of course! I wouldn't miss that meal for owt especially the black current cheesecake''.

The stacker truck has been left out over the weekend and I am getting the blame as per usual....God it is depressing, my week on't saw and all that..I think Mr Myoyghi's ghost still looms over The Progress, The Hub of Sellers, making me feel this way.

David Beckham says that the hat he bought last week was a Liverpool hat not a Leeds United hat as I had said in my last story and Lady Penelope said she had been to the Doctors, yes its Monday Afternoon again at Sellers.

Aussie says there is no production meeting this afternoon because there is no production to discuss and then finds to his surprise that he has been picked to watch Huddersfield Town battle against QPR in the royal box (he only put his name down to see if it was a fix and hates football) I am second reserve and The balloon Warden suggests that if I get chance to go I should where one of them shirts with the tie painted on it for the laugh.

Tuesday was a very depressing day....I had decided to give up drinking and was feeling really thirsty...I hardly moved from the Mr Myoyghi position on the saw.... I had just read a book telling me of the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption.

On Wednesday in order to avoid being tied to the saw, I built a bar catcher with the milk float and some bits of metal, then thankfully The Balloon Warden asks me to take Sophie up to the fitting...

On arrival in Teletubbie-land Laa Laa and Dipsy both say I cannot use the south exit because they feel cold.... The Balloon Warden arrives and I inform him of instructions requested by Beaky the day before it was his wish for me to take up the rest of the bits on 35471B.

After a big debate the Balloon Warden over-rules Beakys wish and sends me up to the fitting with the wagon empty, so I set off across the machine shop where Wally's play group live, to the double doors and alight to open them. I hear... "Mick Mick! MICK!''...The Balloon Warden has changed his mind and decided to take 35471B up after all! I reverse Sophie back into Teletubbie land and notice th