STR

Something To Remember

Something To Remember Day 1262 13th Feb 07

I had been sober now for nearly 3 weeks and was beginning to feel much more human again following the last extreme bender, but I was going on Holiday with Luke my 9 year old son, Buttercup my 11 year old niece, my poor mum Battyeford Lill, Buttercups best friend Herminie and my long suffering dog Miss Boley.

We were here in Skipsea and what the hell, I had looked forward to this for ages, no work for a week, Luke, Buttercup and Herminie gone out to the amusements, my mum playing Bingo, my dog wanting a walk near the sea, I can start and get sober again after the holiday but I intended to “enjoy” this week.

I passed by the shop on site at Skipsea Sands, they didn’t have my favourite drinks Skol Super or Kestrel Super, the best they had was Stella but it was in bottles however that didn’t have the bite being only 6% and would not get me to the place I wanted to be when I lit my joint at the top of the eroding cliff top looking out to sea.

The only thing with any decent strength to it was whisky, a quart bottle so I guess it was a bit drastic but that would have to do, I couldn’t be bothered driving 2 miles to the nerarest off site shop.

I settled down with a bottle of whisky, a couple of bottles of Stella and 2 ready made joints on the cliff top looking out at the blue sea with Miss Boley my best mate, what a great holiday this was going to be, my mind was swimming as I swigged the whisky and enjoyed the therapeutic effects of the cannabis, the world was suddenly full of colour, life was worth living.

In the distance a ship could be seen, below on the beach a family were enjoying a game with a Frisbee, my faithful Miss Boley sat at the side of me her mouth open slightly slowly panting, it was so peaceful the stress was washing out of me, I felt really tired after the drive here and the hit from the strong drink

I awoke some hours later surrounded with all these people, they were looking down on me with concerned faces, next to me was the empty bottle of whisky and I had wet myself, my faithful dog was nowhere to be seen.

I assured the audience that I had acquired that I was okay and wobbled back to the caravan picking up another bottle of whisky on the way, at the caravan I found Miss Boley had somehow found her way back to safety despite the alien surroundings and was greeted by my worried mum and my son excitedly telling me about the new friends he had found.

These were among my last coherent memories of my last bender though I have since been filled in by my son and niece at other “events” that occurred which seem to grow extra arms and legs every time they tell me.

I do remember been sat in the

caravan one day during the week after a long sleepless night because I had somehow managed to run out of alcohol during the night though I have since discovered it was in fact hidden by my mum and niece, anyway I had been down to the shop as soon as it had opened and had purchased another bottle to keep me going for another few hours.

Once again everyone had gone out and I was semi comatose listening to the sound of laughter outside the caravan, people, normal people enjoying themselves and I silently admitted to myself I was beat but I couldn’t stop, I just wished I would die soon and end this miserable existence.

There was clearly no way I was going to drive back home and when the Friday came to be out of the Caravan the cleaners found me on the floor sobbing saying repeatedly I couldn’t drive while my mum was phoning an ambulance and my son was crying.

In the end a good friend of mine called The King Of The Potato People drove the 200 mile plus roundtrip to rescue me and my family leaving my Ford Focus estate in the car park, and guess what was the first thing I did when I got back to Huddersfield, yes straight to the Mr Sharma’s off license to buy another can so I could get rid of the horrendous shaking.

The next day was a Sunday and my friend The King of the Potato People and another mate Captain Caveman set off bright and early to go pick up my car from Skipsea and thankfully relieved of this duty I walked down to Mr Sharma’s off license to buy another couple of cans and as it turned out these were to be my last.

After going for a walk with Luke and Miss Boley later that day to the supermarket to pick up an “emergency”, prescription of sleeping tablets so that I wouldn’t have to suffer another night of disturbing dreams.

Luke said to me “you need some help dad”, and this time it really hit home, I phoned the AA helpline and Yoda came to my rescue and took me to my first meeting in Dewsbury.

So how did I get to this point, how did I get here, for that to be answered I need to go back in time 21 years to 1987, the year I started my degree in Theoretical Physics at York University.

I had done well at my A’ levels and the natural way to go from here was University, plus I wanted to please my dad who wanted to have a son he could proudly say had done real well with his life, I chose physics

because I was curious why the world was here and why I was here.

With extreme shyness I found myself locked in a room at a place called Fairfax house as my halls of residence which was about ½ mile off campus and it was this room that started to become my prison.

I tried to make friends at my lectures but they all seemed to live in a different world to me, I became isolated and withdrawn and longed for my close friends back at home in Huddersfield who were down to earth and not from some other planet.

It took me nearly 4 months just to venture into the common room in our shared house and I would go all week without saying a word, I became really miserable and then started to delve into deep depression a mood that became the norm.

By the end of the first year I gave up with the halls of residence and started commuting backwards and forwards to York daily and enjoying the weekends with my mates, The King Of The Potato People, Aja Summerville and Steptoe amongst others, here I discovered that alcohol could help me escape this suffocating shyness and become a full person again.

We regularly visited the nightclubs in Wakefield because The King of the Potato People said girls were “easier” there and in particular Rooftop Gardens where I became the famous disco diva “Michael Madonna” practising his awesome moves on the dance floor in front of an audience of love struck females.

But in the week back at Uni the depression returned like a black cloud, I mean these should have been the best times of my life and I hated every minute, and if that was possible I became yet more isolated.

As part of my degree I was required to do a number of presentations in front of the lecture auditorium and I knew it was impossible for me to complete them in my current state so I would carefully try and judge the amount of alcohol to transform me to my weekend “Michael Madonna” character so that I would have enough courage.

The first seminar seemed to go okay, well I completed it anyway but the second I had more whisky than I consumed in the first and wound up making a complete spectacle of myself with the transparencies flying all over the floor, much to the amusement of my fellow students.

Around this time I discovered another even more deadly way to escape from myself and using this method I very nearly did altogether.

I was introduced to the art of inhaling petrol fumes from my motorcycle petrol tank by my friend Steptoe and this took me to a strange world full of visions and angels who were my friends and were trying to help me, throughout the summer of 1989 I would regularly ride my motorcycle on to the moors above Mirfield to practice this strange new escape on my own.

How I ever completed my finals in the summer of 1990 I will never know, it composed of no less than seven, three hour exams with highly complex mathematical differential equations covering the papers. For my preparation I covered my body with mnemonics to remember the solutions.

It was also during this year I met two young ladies, one called Jane and another called Acid Tongue who later went on to become The Ice Queen

I became obsessed by the latter girl and being unable to see her because she was only 14 at the time and her mother strongly objected I rode my motorcycle up to my usual place and proceeded to get blind drunk and inhale petrol.

To this day I am not sure what happened exactly but somehow I managed to find myself on fire and jumped into a cow bath to extinguish the flames before running to a nearby farm for help and the startled farmer took me to Staincliffe Hospital, Dewsbury in his van, the hospital which I was born in and subsequently nearly died.

I had suffered 33% third degree burns which I am still scarred from now and I was transferred to Pinderfields Burn’s unit where I was to spend the next 13 weeks.

Until this point I had seen the world as a pointless existence governed by mindless blind equations which controlled atoms which made us which was a world described by the many years of physics which I had graduated from (just)

Now I am not sure when it occurred but sometime between losing consciousness after the “accident” and regaining consciousness some 48 hours later I went on a journey which had all the indicators of what today are called Near Death Experiences.

Initially I found myself walking round the hospital but I could walk through objects and could not be seen by the nurses who were oblivious to me, I then found I could fly, it seemed like a very vivid dream that I couldn’t wake up from.

Of course I started to panic and realised I had left my real body behind in the hospital and I met my Guardian Angel, this was the first of about half a dozen “Out Of Body Experiences” I had between then and now

By April 1991 I had recovered from my accident enough to start a new job and I became one of the first “Graduate Labourers” at a local engineering company called Sellers, a place which I was to spend the next 9 years of my life.

During this time I continued to drink more and more, I discovered cannabis was a safer alternative to petrol fumes for getting a “high”, I gradually became closer to the Ice Queen whom we enjoyed many camping holidays with many more friends.

Using my brain became a distant memory and compared to my time at University I became quite content with my life, in 1994 me and The Ice Queen moved into a little back to back private rented house together since she was expecting Luke Baggins my son.

I even tried to cutback on the drink and completed a 2 year HNC course in computer programming with the backing of Sellers and The Ice Queen joined a rip off pyramid scheme called Amway which she tried to flog soap and cosmetics to all the neighbours.

Drink was never far away though and while entertaining many crazy guests The Ice Queen and I had some awesome arguments which usually resulted in me having pots of curry plastered on my head or being hit with 3lb glass ashtrays.

The poor bloke renting the little house to us started getting worried by all the damage that was occurring

Luke was born on 24th January 1995 weighing less than a bag of sugar and 3 months premature but due mainly to my incessant drinking which was by now far out of control we barely lasted another 12 months living together before The Ice Queen had had enough and we went our separate ways.

Now there was no stopping me, I could hang round at friends houses notably Jedi Master D666’s house and the crazy buffoon Picker Packer and drink myself into oblivion.

At work too there were a lot of major changes and I started writing a newsletter for Sellers which by 1998 had become so popular that most of my works mates were reading it, the directors even had a good laugh behind closed doors but in public they turned a blind eye since it was keeping up Morale.

I had now found myself in a council flat which had become an open house where everyone would congregate on a weekend for somewhere to go to smoke their drugs and drink.

I had quite a number of burglaries when I was at work which made me no longer too bothered about possessions and my son Luke would come to stay every weekend along with his “double cousin” Buttercup who was the product of an equally fragile union between The Ice Queens sister, Dominating Donna and my brother, The Ticking Bomb.

By November 2000 I had become totally dependant on alcohol to function, and I was regularly late for work and very outspoken in my works “newsletters” which resulted in me being laid off from Sellers which meant I had even more time to spend comatose.

I then went rapidly downhill and by Christmas I was seeking help at Kirklees Alcohol Advisory Service which encouraged people with problems to control there drinking.

During this year I moved back to my parent’s house and was placed on this government sponsored scheme to find me new employment but looking back it was the darkest part of my life.

If there was ever a time I attribute my survival to God and my ever present Guardian Angel I called “Dripping Tap”, it was during July 2001 when I found myself attending yet another interview as a result of the scheme I was on, as I sat awaiting for my appointed time I consumed a can of Skol Super outside a brick factory situated in the middle of nowhere called Flintstones Park.

I was interviewed by a young lady called The Welsh Windbag and after aimlessly waffling though the usual standard interview questions I was asked where I see myself in five years, to this question I answered rather honestly that I would probably be dead.

You see we were expected to attend these interviews and apply for employment but that didn’t mean you had to behave yourself at interviews and anyway by now I had got used to the fact I could drink when I wanted at any time of the day so I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the prospect of another job.

Needless to say I was somewhat taken aback when I actually got the job!

It certainly wasn’t plain sailing though, I was cooped up in an windowless office with this bloke I call the Computer Cowboy, who knew everything so it seemed about computers whereas I in comparison was a complete novice and even worse I was expected to attend these team building exercises.

I was again desperately shy, especially since I had never worked with so many young ladies before and had not got a clue about office etticate having worked in an engineering factory and I had a serious drink problem.

I longed for dinnertime so that instead of having dinner I could top up my alcohol level with super lager in the field which ran parallel to the quarry and I had constant tremors, my life was constant hell.

On our first team building exercise though I gave a brief glimpse of who “Mad Mick” was, my inebriated version of boring Michael similar to the Superman / Clark Kent symbiosis.

It was ironically at York on a barge and we went down the Ouse that I had the chance to find myself in the river being rescued by my fellow employees after falling in totally drunk, I also showed them all my fantastic dancing.

When I went back to work after the weekend which followed this The Welsh Windbag wanted me to see a Psychiatrist.

By 2003 The Ice Queen found a new Boyfriend called Mr Umper Lumpa and after Luke had kept returning from his weekend visits to see me with the results of little accidents from our drunken adventures she decided enough was enough and stopped access.

At work The Computer Cowboy walked out, The Welsh Windbag left to have a baby and new management took over which left me in the lucky or if you like unlucky position of being the only person who understood the computer system after 2 years of patient training on the part of The Computer Cowboy.

By now my alcohol intake consisted on average 8 cans of super strength per day and these were around 4.5 units each being 9% alcohol, the first of the day being at 4am before I set off to work.

For dinner when most normal people had their meal in the canteen I would nip down the field that run adjacent to the quarry and have a can of super and would then have to wait until 6pm for my next which by then I would be gasping.

I still remember it so well jumping off the bus and running to Mr Sharma’s for another 2 cold cans of kestrel straight from his fridge and drinking them in our local nature reserve before walking home for my tea.

After my tea, I would check on my cannabis supply and purchase another 6 cans of kestrel super at the special price of £1.25 from Deeps on Leeds Road and then either pop down and see a friend usually Jedi Master D666 or The King Of The Potato People and chill or “take the dog for a walk”, which meant another drinking session in the nature reserve.

I always saved 3 cans for later when I got back home, 1 to have before I went to bed another for my “4am can” and a further one I saved to take with me the next day, my “dinnertime can”.

I had two beds in my bedroom, one for Luke when he came at weekend and another for me, but Luke invariably slept on the floor because I wet his bed just about every night and moved to the other bed to enjoy my “4am can” before getting another 2 hours drunken slumber.

The combination of all this began to take its toll on me and I suffered a breakdown at work in April 2004 and was taken home by our sales director who insisted I go visit my doctor.

My doctor prescribed me antidepressants which gave me an even bigger buzz when added to the alcohol I was ingesting, the court date for contact with Luke was arranged for the end of June and I had to go see the company’s Human Resources manager before returning to work.

When I went to see the HR manager it was “suggested” I start visiting a psychiatrist at the company’s expense which I did and it was him who strongly suggested I started attending AA adding that only other alcoholics can help people with alcohol problems.

I returned to work in May but had another little episode a few weeks later and was once again returned home which for the first time I seriously decided to quit drinking, but it was hopeless.

I might go a week or even a month but sooner or later I would start again and not only start, I would make up for all the lost ground, they say alcoholism is a progressive disease in that even if you are not active it continues to get worse, if you do succumb to a drink then you find yourself drinking even more than before.

By August of 2004 I had obtained contact back with my son Luke every weekend on the proviso I didn’t “get drunk” in his presence, I was seeing the company psychiatrist every fortnight and I was just hanging on to my job but I was having my first determined effort to quit drinking on my own.

My abstinence lasted until the holiday from hell I told you about at the beginning of this transcript, which in retrospect was my last battle with alcohol and my final surrender (to date!)

Early sobriety was like going into a huge black tunnel, which in the distance you can just see a tiny pin prick of light, you put one foot in front of the other and stumble on in the darkness, you attend meetings, you totally abstain from drink, you get bombarded by AA clichés.

The AA way of life is a journey which never ends, we are given 12 simple assignments to complete, which in essence you never complete, you start by admitting you are powerless over alcohol and then let into your life a power which is greater than yourself, be it God, your Group or like me The Force from Star Wars.

You then hand your future over to this power and live just one day at a time without worrying about the future and then move on to steps 4, 5,6,7,8 and 9 which are to make peace with your past and the final three steps you practise on a daily basis for the rest of your life.

It is suggested that you seek a sponsor and I chose a great down to earth bloke with 18 years continuous sobriety called JMSS.

The other day a bloke came into where I work and asked me how my weekend had been, I answered, “fine”, like you do, he went on to tell me that he had gone for a long walk then finished up in his local having a few bevies in the beer garden.

He asked me if I liked a few drinks and I answered that I used to until I discovered I was an alcoholic and now I have not had an alcoholic drink for 3 ½ years.

“Oh Michael”, he exclaimed, you gave up smoking; you don’t gamble do you run a brothel?

Have you got any vices?

I told him I was looking for a monastery to take me in which made him laugh, but in all seriousness, I can enjoy my life but I just cant drink, there are

I am still nuts, but I am very much alive, The Ice Queen thankfully left Mr Umper Lumpa and found a Russian Spy who is a decent bloke and one of my new mates.

Who knows what the future is, who knows what happens when we die, but for now ill worry about one world at a time one day at a time.

In step 9 it is suggested we make amends to all the people we have hurt in our drunken behaviour and I have completed the exercise to the best of my ability but I would just once again like reiterate my failures and ask for forgiveness

To Jedi Master D666, I am sorry for all them evenings too numerous to mention when I weed on your sofa

To The King of the Potato People, I am sorry for coming round every day for a month just after getting made redundant from Sellers and likewise with the above I am sorry for the times I leaked on your chair.

To The Ice Queen I am sorry for ending up in the state I did, I am sorry for all those drunken evenings when I couldn’t remember a thing

To Luke (and Buttercup) I am sorry for falling asleep in the woods when it was dark and leaving you to find a way to get home.

To my mum and dad, I am sorry for all the grief I caused you, wondering in drunk, the holiday from hell and ending up in mindless states.

I could go on but I guess its better now to leave the past behind, hand my future over to my Guardian Angel and enjoy the present.

Thank You God for saving me

Switches Wedding Part Of NXR20F Pt 1 Day 1313

Deer's Foot IV Part Of NXR20F Pt 2 Day 1313

Written on 4th April 08 Event On 29th Mar 08

Written on 4th April 08 Event On 26 & 27th Mar 08

Switches Wedding Day 1313

Written 4th April 08 NXR20F Pt1

After a lot of uncertainty as to if I would be honoured with the Job of Chauffeur for Switches Wedding I finally received a text from the youngest sister of the Ice Queen and Dominating Donna 29.9 which went like this;

Hi mad Mick are u still ok to take me to the register office on sat from [Switch]

So here we were outside Switch Cottage with Buttercup stood outside in a lovely dress one of the Bridesmaids along with Dorothy (Switches Daughter) and some relation of Tin Man who would be the groom, Switch did look radiant though in her dress, her image was only spoiled by the fact that she was nervously chain smoking.

The journey to the register office in Christine III, my new Ford C-max went smoothly, Switch objected to us suggesting that we pop into the vet’s en-route to pick up some tablets on prescription for my dog Miss Boley.

Strangely in Huddersfield the only place where the bride can alight is on double yellow lines possibly another strategy for our wonderful Kirklees council to make money, especially now that parking fines can now be sent to your address using CCTV evidence.

Luckily I think so far I was not spotted because I have not yet received a summons in the post, after the blushing bride had alighted Christine III, I took her round to the car park before joining the other witnesses outside the register office.

There was loads of people I didn’t know, Luke thought Tin Man’s dad looked like “Big Show” from Wrestle-mania and I asked when Dominating Donna 29.9 and Silverback were getting married but the only answer I received was a lot of hysterical laughter from not just Dominating Donna 29.9 but also quite a few of the other people who were stood nearby.

I had never attended a wedding before, my best mate The King of the Potato People had previously been married on two occasions once to Dominating Donna and another time to Loopy Lou on both occasions I was not invited just in case I objected when the registrar prompts for objections to the holy matrimony.

Anyway after a little uncertainty as to when we could enter someone decided it was time to go in and the rest followed, I seated myself behind Dominating Donna 29.9 and Silverback and between Mr Poppel (The son of The King Of The Potato People and Dominating Donna 29.9) and my 13 year old son Luke Baggins who was playing on his PSP which has become part of his body.

The room was packed out with a lot of people stood at the back; Meter Maid walked Switch down the short aisle since Switch referred to her biological father as merely the sperm donor and he hadn’t even been invited.

Other notable absences which resulted in hushed silence when anyone enquired about there whereabouts’ were The Ice Queen her big sister and Uncle Rimmer her little brother, both no longer see eye to eye with there sister.

Unlike Eastenders weddings when everything goes tits up the only stumbling block at this one was when Switch had a few problems getting the ring on Tin Man and this resulted in a bit of polite laughter.

Dominating Donna 29.9 shed a few tears as I am sure would White Grandma had she have been here in flesh though I am sure her presence could be felt in spirit, White Grandma was Switches mum and had passed on to the next life 2 years previous and was much missed.

Finally after the vows Tin Man and Switch Billings emerged into the gentle drizzle of Saturday Dinnertime and sirens could be heard in the distance to which someone joked that the police were coming.

It turned out to be two Fire Engines which Tin Man joked that he had in fact called; at this point numerous photos were taken by me and many others of the family members.

I then called on MMITT to act as a limousine to take Switch Billings and Tin Man Billings on to there reception where everyone was scheduled to get p*ssed, I joked on the drive to Deighton Working Mans Club that they could borrow my tent for the Honey Moon if they liked, we had just returned only a few days back from camping at Deers Foot near Echo Beach in the woods and I suggested a great place to site the tent.

Strangely this offer was declined.

The reception then continued for a full 12 hours between 1pm in the afternoon until 1am on Sunday morning, me and Luke only briefly stayed for the initial 15 minutes before heading off to collect Stig for our weekly migration round Huddersfield Open Market.

I you see am an alcoholic, which means I don’t really enjoy the company and temptation of alcohol freely flowing, but we did go back around 6pm to get a bit of snap from the buffet that was organised, this also gave me the opportunity to get a few more photos and meet The Sorcerers Apprentice, Buttercups latest boyfriend who she talks about incessantly.

We then returned again around 8:30 pm to get a bit more to eat and meet Picker Packer who had also turned up to get some calories down him, Picker Packer is like a camel, he attends all these events and eats enough to last him all week, evolution is developing a second stomach in order to store food.

Picker Packer also turns up at many funerals uninvited, well no one knows who invited him, one half think it was the other half and vice versa, so he manages to stock up his reserve stomach like he was doing today only legitimately knowing Switch and Tin Man.

I returned for a fourth time to take the Bride and Groom back home to Switch cottage and was nearly besieged by other people wanting lifts home, unfortunately MMITT will only carry 5 possibly 6 people in one trip and I managed the latter number along with numerous gifts, cakes and of course Picker Packer.

When we reached Switch Cottage, Tin Man despite drinking and partying for 12 hours managed to carry the new Switch Billings over the threshold and into a new chapter of there lives.

Me and everyone here at The Bradley Telegraph HQ wish them the best of luck in there new found happiness

Deers Foot IV Day 1313

Written 4th April 08 NXR20F Pt2

Our first camping experience of 2008 was a somewhat low key affair; it was gentle drizzle which greeted us as we made the trek down the fields each having a rucksack laded with Camping Burners, lots of food, two tents, sleeping bags and Buttercups Makeup set.

The members of the expedition for Deer’s Foot 4 were Uncle Rimmer who has just moved to Bradley but wants his new location keeping secret in case a number of Bradley’s notorious riff raff and vagabonds turn up at his door.

Uncle Rimmer recently phoned up the Samaritans after feeling a bit suicidal and was surprised that they had moved to a call centre in Pakistan, well I suppose every company is going that way now.

Anyway he told the young lady he was thinking of committing suicide and she got all excited and asked him if he could fly a plane.

Uncle Rimmer has been present at all the other three Deer’s Foot expeditions and on the last occasion he brought along his beautiful girlfriend Miss Jiggy, who also accompanied us later in the week to visit Robin Hoods Grave with her friend Melons who spent a lot of the most of the time on her bum but that’s another story.

We also had Miss Boley my beloved Labrador X who has been my best mate for 7 years and has accompanied throughout my recovery from alcohol, though at times she has found it tough, having to listen to me twittering on in drunken ecstasy.

Luke Baggins my 13 year old son and Buttercup my 14 year old niece, the latter who is besotted by her new boyfriend The Sorcerers Apprentice who lives in Fartown.

Stig, who is Luke’s younger brother and both the eldest sons of The Ice Queen also came along as did Buttercups friends Herminie who will shortly be 16 and Nettle who has feelings for Stig which although he denies it we suspect that they are reciprocated.

Stig complains of a tingling sensation when he is stood near her and gets very defensive when we tease him about it.

Anyway we arrived at a muddy Deer’s Foot Camp #3 which just a couple of months ago in the recent floods were the river bed, Buttercup and Herminie after erecting there tent with great difficulty set down to prepare the chicken Tikka and Rimmer, Luke and Stig set about trying to light the damp twigs which constituted a possible future camp fire.

Rimmer made numerous references to Buttercups friends being not the most intelligent of individuals and was a little upset that they were preparing the curry; his mood became more and more subdued when he found he could not light the fire.

Eventually he lost his cool and went off in a huff back to the secret location which he lives to get some more burning materials while in his absence I simply took off one of my humming socks and placed it in the middle of the fire and set light to it from a piece of paper from the cooker which Herminie was using to boil the rice.

Soon we had a roaring inferno of a campfire and settled down to enjoy one of the best curries that Buttercup and her helpers had ever made, easily superior to any of Uncle Rimmer’s efforts.

With Uncle Rimmer and Stig gone, soon Buttercup, Nettle and Herminie were wanting to go visit the shops to purchase some cigarettes, Buttercup claims not to partake in the disgusting habit of inhaling the fumes of dead plants plus lots of poisonous chemicals but her other two friends have done for quite a number of years now.

It is rumoured that Nettle, who has feelings for Stig and who Stig gets a tingling sensation when stood near her, replaced her dummy with a cig when she was just 2 ½ years old and has been smoking ever since, anyway such is life in 21st century Bradley.

Miss Boley managed to clean all our plates of the left over curry, which is her job when we go camping proper, it saves us a lot of time and effort washing up, but soon hunger was once again driving her back to her primal instincts foraging for more food.

Soon Stig and Uncle Rimmer returned, Uncle Rimmer who had brought an extra 5 tog quilt with duck feathers for extra warmth had also brought some more burning materials which consisted of a large collection of my stories and DVD’s I had given him over the years.

I was a little upset at this, my ego feeling a little bruised but not half as bruised as his ego was discovering we had lit the fire in his absence.

With yet more fuel added to the fire Uncle Rimmer at first reluctantly then almost feverishly consumed the curry that Buttercup had left for him and then commented afterwards that the Chicken wasn’t cooked properly.

Despite repeated phone calls checking on the girls progress Herminie, Buttercup and Nettle still had not returned, apparently they had been chased by a man on a pedal bike, bumped into Diesel and chased up the field with some magic pixies by the time they had reached my mums house.

Uncle Rimmer commented that I was stupid to let them wonder off on there own but no one can tell Buttercup what to do anymore and anyway Dominating Donna 29.9, her mum had made it very clear that she ignore anything that I say.

Anyway in the end my brother The Ticking Bomb and also Buttercups daddy escorted the girls part of the journey back and I met them on the white bridge which is like the wall in the recent movie Stardust, a gateway to a new world.

When I jumped out of the undergrowth to great them Nettle and Herminie were so scared they nearly wet themselves, However Buttercup having been brought up with me falling asleep in woods and fields barely flinched.

Once we were all reunited back at the tents, we finished the evening with Ghost Stories and our usual game of pop records and pop stars beginning with consecutive letters of the alphabet.

I told them all about the floating salt pot of Salt Pot Mansion, the headless dog, the blue head and the invisible footprints in witches wood which didn’t really impress nettle to much as she indignantly said tell me a scary story now then.

Hermanie was a bit hysterical though because she was used to being tucked up in bed with her Grandma, The Bradley Megaphone and read a fairy tale, her favourites being The Gingerbread man and Cinderella.

Eventually we all dropped off to sleep, well it was close to freezing and Luke and Ben were trying to sleep in a puddle, Miss Boley was squashed but me and Uncle Rimmer were okay, me with my posh camp bed and Rimmer with his 5 tog duck feather quilt and double lined sleeping bag,

I dreamt about Sellers again and this beautiful blonde girl was sorting out all there sales figures, I was situated in the Progress and all the old crew were back with me, The Balloon Warden, Darth Vador, Mr Myoyghi and Born 2B Wild.

The next morning Stig got up early and proceeded to try and relight the fire, he was soon followed by Luke and Miss Boley who were both glad that

the dreadful night was over.

All the girls had managed to squash into the same sleeping bag, I discovered when I got up into the grey dawn to see what was going on, and eventually Uncle Rimmer managed to climb out of his pit.

We were all covered in mud and feeling well like you do when you have spent the night camping, Herminie, Nettle and Buttercup proceeded to entertain themselves singing along to there mobile phone.

Meanwhile Luke was getting tied up with some rope we had brought along with the idea of building a river swing (we did build one later but that too is another story) by Uncle Rimmer for being cheeky.

When Herminie and Nettle went to his aid to rescue him Stig noticed he had a “boner”, now I don’t know what a boner is being not fluent in “Street” the new language of the children of today.

Eventually after Rimmer had made our Bacon Sarnies and had a big fall out with Buttercup…

Buttercup “At least I’m not a loner who hides all day in the house”

Rimmer “She needs bringing down a peg or two does that girl, and has for her friends they have a collective intelligence of one car park attendant”

Anyway we soon trekked back up all the hills to my mums, covered in mud and ready for a lovely refreshing bath, so while Rimmer went home for a power shower, Stig settled down to a lovely smelly bath with double floaters after me and Luke had had our turns.

So that ended another of our camping expeditions into the hard terrain of Eastern Bradley which borders the hard terrain of Brighouse and Junction 25 of the M62 Motorway

Mad Micks DVD Discography Day 1333

MAD MICKS DVD Discography Day 1333 PX31F

Robin Hood XN1F – 2004/2005

Robin Hood was the first collection of Old videos I had done with my camera spanning late 2004 until Christmas 2005 it did therefore not really have an associated story.

We had however over the years made quite a few trips up to Robin Hoods Grave which is situated in some dense woodland a couple of miles from where I live and hence the DVD was called “Robin Hood”

The “spooky” photo on the cover is Buttercup stood near the grave, posing as maid Marion.

The DVD is due to be re-edited shortly

The Children Of The Revolution FZ3 - 2005/early 2006

In a similar vein to “Robin Hood”, the Children of the Revolution is a collection of lots of video snippets and photos from our two holidays before Sleighing The Demon, Filey at Easter 06 and Wales in Spring Bank 06 as well as footage from Christmas 05/06

Not so long after this Buttercup stopped going on these crazy weekend adventures and became a snob.

The associated story to this DVD was called the same name and was written in 2002 but has since vanished in the midst of time

Sleighing the Demon NX3R – Aug 2006

This was the first “event orientated” DVD released from Mad Mick and the associated story starts…

August 12th 2006 was my first visit to Skipsea sands on holiday since I got hopelessly drunk nearly 2 years prior and ended up in AA admitting I was an alcoholic and thereby committing myself never to drink alcohol again for as long as I live.

Skipsea sands was my breaking point where the demon finally took over me and brought me to my knees so it was with great reluctance that I returned luckily The Magic Pixies, My Higher Power, 4 Doggies and 12 other humans accompanied me to forever sleigh that demon that seemed to always fill my dreams…

The full story is available here

Mr Unstable Goes To A Bonfire NX4R– Nov 2006

Our annual traditional Bonfire at The King of the Potato Peoples house where Buttercup took along her then somewhat psychotic boyfriend known as Mr Unstable…

This evening, Buttercup and Mr Unstable are going to a bonfire and a firework display where he will meet all Buttercups friends and family and he is just a little bit nervous about but at the same time excited.

Do you like fireworks? Mr Unstable does.

Mr Unstable is so excited that he nearly forgets to take the heated rollers out of his hair, Mr Unstable has already met a few of

The other day he went to visit The Ice Queen, Buttercups Aunty for the first time and he started to cry when she shouted at him, Buttercup says that her Aunty the Ice Queen has “antifreeze for blood” and is well known for having absolutely no compassion whatsoever.

He also met her current boyfriend who is addicted to this funny tasting chewing gum and says he is a Russian Spy who once interviewed Yasser Arrafat and has not got many clothes left to wear because The Ice Queen keeps throwing them in the Garden after they have an argument about their other co-habitee.

Mr Unstable thinks that The Russian Spy is a bit Gay cos he looks at him all funny.

The Full story is available here

Photos Of Olde Bradley XN2F– Dec 2006.

The final DVD for 2006, again without an accompanying story, I bought a book for my dad for Christmas and inside was a CD with about 100 photos of Bradley in times past which I turned into a DVD.

The cover of the DVD is Oak Road, a place I used to live on from 1994 to 1996.

It was a DVD I did when I was once again made to spend Christmas without seeing my son, Luke because I had fallen out with his mother once again, this allowed me to also write a story called “The Ice Queen Is Scrooged” which did/didn’t go down well depending upon your point of view.

Mr Unstable Goes To A Funfayre NX6F– Feb 2007.

Following on from the big success of Mr Unstable Goes To A bonfire came its sequel which wasn’t really as well read as its prequel…

It was a lovely Sunday morning and we were all going to visit the funfair near Leeds, the Valentine Fayre, situated near the Elland Road Stadium, Leeds

I was accompanied by my 12 year old son Luke who had managed to shed the Deighton Mode image and his resentments against his mother The Ice Queen especially for the occasion.

Also present was The Jedess Committee Squeaky (now called Buttercup) to give her a full majestic

title and of course her doppelganger, the love of her life and best friend Mr Unstable Person who is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Finally Uncle Fubuman (Now called Rimmer) was here to supervise the operation having a self confessed addiction to fairgrounds sadly both his favourite ladies could not make it, Miss Jiggy had gone to her ballroom dancing classes and Charlie was still recovering from us trying to wake Fubuman up the night before by knocking at his window and door.

Uncle Fubuman lives in “The Floating Salt-pot Mansion”, which gets its name from me and Fubuman witnessing a levitating salt pot one night at his house after going to investigate some strange poltergeist rapping’s coming from one of the upper bedrooms.

We arrived just after 12pm at the fairground and at first we thought that it must be closed because the place was deserted but as we drew near we realised there were some small amounts of life wondering around and at Fubuman’s insistence we went to investigate.

In order to get into the motionless fairground we were required to spend £1 each which was to pay for the CCTV cameras and burly security guards to keep the fair ground safe from yobs like ourselves.

The full story is available here

Deers Foot Camping I NX7R– Apr 2007,

with winter finally over and wanting something to do for Easter a few of us went camping down near Echo Beach at Bradley and this became our first adventure of 2007, it also marked the return of our good friend Mr Picker Packer…

Anyway in order to welcome our wizard back to our humble abode (Picker Packer could be likened to Gandalf who visits the Hobbits in the famous JRR Tolkien Novel “The Lord Of The Rings”) myself and Master Shrek arranged a local camping expedition down by the river at a local beauty spot called “Echo Beach”.

We also had took with us Luke, his brother Stig, my brother; The Ticking Bomb. His daughter; Red Riding Hood (now Buttercup) and of course my

faithful canine companion Miss Boley, plus lots of food and a couple of tents.

The mile and a half trek from my mums’ house took a lot out of our party each laden

with enough supplies to last us the next 24 hours and when we arrived Red Riding Hood cooked spaghetti bolognaise for us all while Master Shrek, Luke and Stig built our first campfire.

Picker Packer sat with his Crocodile Shoes on enjoying his first meal in quite a while and has he enjoyed it he observed “Ticky bomb I don’t know how he gets so fackin big without eatin mate hes hardly got anorexia has he but then again neither has fackin damian, blimey hes got massive now”.

We all settle down to eat breakfast and Picker Packer tells us more about his trip up to Yorkshire…

“Fackin bus driver, he wouldn’t let me take my TV on the bus because he said it might blow up Michol, I asked him if he had watched speed too much, I talked to a couple of people on the train camin up here man to Yorkshire Michol, an accountant and a eunuch, the eunuch got off at Newark.

I was smiling at some birds as well on the train Michol, they kept giving me the eye init init init, then they all got orf at the wrong fackin station”

Even The Ticking Bomb laughs at this so we conclude that Picker Packer is like Jesus bringing him out of his depression, so far [Ticking Bomb] has spoken five times which is more than I’ve heard him utter in months.

The Full Story is available here

The Stone Princess NX8R– Apr 2007

Girlfriends, yes, I had decided (mistakenly) I needed one and I had been talking to this young lady for quite some time on the internet, well time had come to go and meet her in the flesh over in Liverpool…

I nervously approached this huge building with two tiny copper figurines on its roof after following the signs through Liverpool for “Albert Docks”.

I managed to find a space on a lay-by across the road from the building in front of a skip on double yellow lines and noticed that the clock on the tower above said 5 minutes until 12.

“Where Are You” I texted the Stone Princess

“Im Here” came the reply so I phoned her and told her to walk round the building explaining that I was sat in my car at the other side of the road from what looked like the front of the building she said

she had brought her friends little son with her.

Then I saw her walking round the adjacent building and phoned her to say I was coming round

“Do I need a coat … eh” I shouted across the road at this lovely blonde haired lady with a small child, I then parked up the car and went over to join her.

She did look different from what I expected from nights spent on webcam but her face still looked beautiful in the sunlight.

“W-w-where we g-g-going, you p-p-planned it you know Liverpool…

I g-g-got stuck in all the traffic on the M62 you know n-n-near Manchester choc a block with traffic”

The full story is available here

The Three Peaks Walk – Disposing Of The Ring NX9R– May 2007

Always liking to do my bit for charity and with everyone from where I work at the Lost World going on this walk over Yorkshires tallest mountains, me, Luke and Buttercup decided to join them…

After pondering several options, the Jedi Council decided that the only course of action that could save the Yorkshire Dales was to destroy the Ring by taking it to Inglebrough and casting it into Braithwaite Wife Hole, where it was forged many centuries ago. 12 year old Luke Baggins, the son of Jedi Master Mad Mick volunteered for the task, and a "Fellowship of the Ring" was formed to aid him — this consisted of Luke Baggins, his Hobbit companion, Red Riding Hood [Now Buttercup], Gandalf (The Horse whisperer), Aragorn,

Gimli the Dwarf (RIP), Heleni Gimli’s beautiful daughter and Mad Mick the great Jedi Master.

The company set off on the long 24 mile trek from Horton-In-Ribblesdale in the Shire, After Gimli (RIP) posted the form to say we were on our way to once again destroy the ring at the café. We turned right along the road towards Settle to the church and when we reached the church we turned left along the lane and then left again towards Brackenbottom. - Full story available here

Sleeping With Rats (featuring Picker Packer NXR10F– Jun 2007

Our first “proper” camping holiday of 2007 took us back to Wales and the town of Caernarfon, which was the wettest holiday we ever had, it rained non stop virtually except for the one day this picture was taken when we chose to climb Snowdon…

Our tent is nicely situated next to a gorgeous dyke and we are just a stones throw from the children’s play area, Picker Packer has just noticed someone trip over the guy ropes of their tent and nearly knock the tent over he thinks they might be pissed, a state of mind we are all hoping he will avoid when he gets paid on Wednesday because he is bad enough sober!

Picker Packer says as we sit in our camping chairs

waiting for the kettle to boil for yet another cup of tea, “Here Michol, Norfolks nice you know, still its peaceful here in it, I like the trees Michol and the little lake and all those fackin sheep, Is Miss Boley asleep Michol?”

Its Saturday our first day here, all the week stretching in front of us, full of unknowns, but I live for the present, the “now”, not the future, Red Riding Hood [Now Buttercup] is still sulking and not yet returned after saying she was going home but Picker Packer is back from the “Free” showers, he says he is going to have loads of showers this week.

Picker Packers face looks a bit cut up, he was using Red Riding Hoods shaver, the one she uses for her legs and by the looks of it I don’t think it was made for Picker Packers wiry stubble.

Full story is available here

Bowling At Newsome (In memory of Nathan) PT1F– Jul 2007

My first time playing the game of Crown Green Bowls for some six years, this match was in memory of a good friend of mine who I had become acquainted with in the Late 1990s called Nathan.

He was also The Knight Riders brother and I wanted to do a DVD this time which was a little different so I produced my first Video Story which the text moved across the screen like in the opening moments of the Star Wars prequels and sequels. There was no story to accompany this DVD

The Battle Of The Tooth Fairies NXR12F– Aug 2007

Our second major Holiday of 2007 of course camping again and maybe our last in the little tent which you spend the entire week crawling around on all fours, this time Luke took his little brother Stig, Buttercup took her friend Daffodil and I of course took my faithful friend Miss Boley, I will now let you join the part of the story which was the highlight of the Holiday, when Buttercup and Daffodil had a bit of a battle…

It was on our way back to the tent when the physical catfight started between Daffodil and Buttercup though the exchange of dialogue went something like this…

Daffodil: “I don’t know why you have fallen out with me for”

Buttercup: “Because you were blaming me all the time”

Daffodil: “You trollop”

Buttercup: “You Dog”

Daffodil: “Woof woof”

Buttercup: “That’s right you are one”

At this point Daffodil slapped Buttercup and Buttercup responds by ragging her hair, then Luke jumped in the middle with his rippling muscles and got slapped by both of them in the cross fire while I was trying to get my camera out to capture the fight on video.

Buttercup started crying and run off to hide round the back of a caravan but a dog jumped out on her so she walked back up to the road where both me and Stig told her to calm down.

But she just couldn’t calm down and was snorting and crying like; you guessed it a Buttercup

Buttercup: “I’m going to slap her silly the stupid cow”

Daffodil: “Go on then slap me silly”

She tried to give her stuff to Luke but he wouldn’t take them so she put her bag and phone on the floor and walked towards her but Luke intervened so he got badly nipped trying to restrain her.

In the end they both walked back to tent, Buttercup sobbed “I knew this was going to happen”.

Daffodil flashed back “Why did you invite me then!” and she got on the phone to her mum who is a Jehovah Witness and asked if she could get picked up tomorrow.

I suggested that maybe they should sleep separately but neither of them were too keen despite there differences to swap with Stig or Luke and sleep in their urine infested compartment.

It thankfully all ended peacefully when they were both looking at a picture of Baby Hans and Daffodil texted Buttercup “Sorry” on her phone and since Buttercup had no credit on hers simply said sorry and we all drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Full story Available here

Mad Mick’s Greatest Flix XN3F– Sept 2007

Well many a pop star release a Greatest Hits package so of course I had to.

This DVD had the highlight video snippets from all of the DVD’s up to this date plus another video called “Don’t Cha” which Uncle Rimmer, Luke, Buttercup and Stig danced to the song of the same name by the pussycat dolls, it also had guest appearances by Picker Packer and Bobble.

Mad Micks Greatest Flix went on to become number one in over 20 countries throughout the world and spawned 5 top five singles, oh no, I am taking the analogy too far now.

A Day At The Market NX14F– Sept 2007

A bit of a stop gap DVD and story really, I guess I was trying to write about an event which had nothing in it to write about, but then again isn’t that what I do anyway, a silly story to accompany it goes like this…

The Ice Queen asks Buttercup and Luke Baggins to go to Skirlington Market.

She wants some bread and some sausages.

Luke Baggins says "Good I like bread."

Buttercup says "Good I like sausages."

Buttercup and Luke Baggins like shopping at Skirlington Market.

The Ice Queen gives Luke Baggins some money to buy the bread and the sausages which she has lent off Mad Mick who she has inexplicably stopped calling “Mad Mick” and started calling “Michael”.

Buttercup thinks The Ice Queen is displaying a surprisingly sexist attitude.

She does not say anything because The Ice Queen has a vicious temper and has been known to throw glass ashtrays at people; stub cigs out in their eyes and pour curry’s over people’s heads.

Sues Leaving NX15F– Sept 2007

Following the “Three Peaks DVD” which I gave to a few members of the place where I worked I was asked if I would do a DVD as a leaving present for the lass who had worked in the Canteen for quite a number of years.

My boss, Dolph gave me special permission to tour the works armed with a video camera and this was the result. It turned out quite good in the end, possibly the best quality and professional looking DVD I have done to date.

Obviously being a one off it did not have a accompanying story but there is a regular monthly newsletter called “The Jungle Telegraph” which covers the laughs we have at “The Lost World” where I work.

Available On Youtube at Part1 Part2 Part3 Part4

Bonfire At The Zookeepers NXR16F– Nov 2007

Another traditional bonfire at my friends’ house who is now called “The King of the Potato People”, he was back in November 07 known as “The Zookeeper” and has been through a whole variety of pseudonyms through the years

The Zookeeper welcomed Buttercup and Daisy into his Zoo with the raging bonfire blazing away in his back garden and anxiously swallowed a diclofenac for his muscle pains in his back along with two Ibuprofens.

The Zookeeper was missing his drip stand, he had got very close to it after his recent stay in hospital, in fact he had modified it with more low profile wheels and a titanium body, at first it was suggested that he wear a hat with a hook on the

top to affix his drip when leaving hospital but in the end it was decided that he should do without for a while anyway.

Every year around November time he goes into hospital for a few days and this year was no different, this years health collapse was a result of Master Shrek leaving him his dogs to look after while he moved in “temporarily” at his sister The Ice Queens Ice Mansion and then conveniently forgetting about them.

The dogs caused The Zookeeper to have another one of his “do’s” and in the end resulted with him returning the dogs to Uncle Shrek and getting thrown over the Ice Queens washing line by The Russian Spy, it was also the reason why Uncle Shrek wasn’t here to entertain us all with another of his pyrotechnic displays lighting the bonfire since now The Zookeeper and Uncle Shrek have ceased speaking to each other. Full Story Available here

Christmas With Mad Mick NX17R– Dec 2007

And so 2007 came to an end, a prolific year for me regarding stories and DVD’s, “Christmas with Mad Mick” became the twelve DVD of the year and this one was just a case of taking my camera around where I visited capturing the general atmosphere of the Christmas Celebrations.

Picker Packer came to stay for Christmas dinner and stopped the subsequent night, keeping myself and Luke awake with his loud snoring.

There was no accompanying Christmas Story; I had planned to do one but just never found the time until I got back to work and released “Tramp Juice” in January 2008

What We Did At Easter NXR20F– Apr 2008

The first DVD of 2008 featured the wedding of Switch to Tin Man which took place at Huddersfield Register Office on 29th March 2008 and also covered the reception afterwards at Deighton WMC.

The DVD also covered the other activities that we did over the Easter Holidays including camping once again at “Deer’s Foot” near Echo Beach.

I will take a piece of the story from when we are at the reception after the wedding and I am in the company of Picker Packer

We then returned again around 8:30 pm to get a bit more to eat and meet Picker Packer who had also turned up to get

some calories down him Picker Packer is like a camel, he attends all these events and eats enough to last him all week, evolution is developing a second stomach in order to store food.

When we reached Switch Cottage, Tin Man despite drinking and partying for 12 hours managed to carry the new Switch Billings over the threshold and into a new chapter of there lives.

Me and everyone here at The Bradley Telegraph HQ wish them the best of luck in there new found happiness

Full Version Of Wedding Story here

Three Peaks 2008 NX21R – May 2008

Our second visit up the mountains of Yorkshire, this year in aid of the Yorkshire Ambulance and starring Rimmer – who didn’t make it and Stig – who did.

A really enjoyable day where I met a nice young lady called Hazel, I was going to write an account based on the rabbits from watership down but changed my mind for a more sensible write up as requested by many

The DVD still includes the title track from the film “Bright Eyes” and includes pictures of Rimmer and Hazel as you guessed it rabbits, and the story takes a lot of background about the walkers from previous issues of the Jungle Telegraph.

By the time myself and Jamie had arrived Lee and his mate had long gone and indeed I never saw them again, it also started to rain as we waited for the others.

It must have been a good half a hour before the two ladies had joined us and in that time, me Luke and Ben had time to eat quite a few of the tuna and salad cream sandwiches we had brought with us.

The next section of the walk between the summit of Pen-y-ghent and where we would meet the van for our dinner was around 8¼ miles and takes about 2¼ hours on a good day, I tried to hang back with my camera here to get some great shots of Hazels lovely bum.

Halfway back down we crossed the Penine way which Victor Meldrew told us was the way back to Horton if anyone was in danger of collapse however everyone continued on their journey into the really boggy section.

Last year we had quite a dry April but this year was totally different, it is called Black Dub Moss and was extremely treacherous, indeed it aided my advantage to remain at the back of the group so that if someone sank in the mud by choosing the wrong path I could avoid that area.

Eventually we found our way to Ribble way which in the good bits is a farm track leading to Nether Lodge farm, it was at this point where Victor Meldrew started hallucinating, he claimed to have seen a giraffe although no one else saw it.

Full version of 3 peaks 08 story here