I only live about a mile from the famous Robin Hoods “secret grave” that nests in dense undergrowth near the Kirklees Priory.
On Saturday October 22nd me, Luke, The Committee and my 6 year old lab cross Miss Boley decided to give the mysterious place another visit.
We walked down the fields from the Bradley Grange estate and over the Iron Bridge which the Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway crosses the river calder, a place where many locals enjoy jumping off in the summer months.
We then walk up towards the main road from a closed off slip road which runs to the bridge but now has its entrance blocked by huge concrete blocks probably to stop Gypsys setting up camp there like they have done in the past.
This brings us to the main Brighouse road that joins Cooper Bridge to Brighouse and has the main M62 junction 25 interchange halfway along it
You can see from the enclosed map that when we arrive at the top of the road from the bridge we have to cross the A644 (a very busy road so be careful!) and walking slightly towards the Motorway maybe about 50 yards there is a bit of a break in the wall see pictures.
Main A644 near hole in the wall
Hole In The Wall where we enter woods
It is then a matter of climbing up the hill as straight up as possible, though it is certainly hard work anyway here is the transcript of our tape recorder as we climbed up towards the grave..
As we ascend the hill clearly out of breath me and Luke are discussing ghosts and fighting off over zealous gamekeepers.
Me: “Here we are in robin hoods territory, are you scared Beck”
JC “No, which way is it straight up”
We all follow The Committee through the dense thick undergrowth, as you walk away the sound of the road gradually fades as we enter the deep dark woods
Luke “Remember last time we took a picture there was this white light”
We are now making our way up a really steep banking on our hands and knees, the ground is covered with acorn like things which roll under your feet, tripping over vines and trees and Luke adds “Arrows”
Arrows?
The ground levels off on to what used to be the main road to Brighouse far in the past and there are some rocks hidden in the trees, see picture
Rocks In trees on the main road to Brighouse many years in the past
Luke & The Committee making there way through the undergrowth
A beautiful woods
Quite steep terrain! and it gets worse
Another Steep hill lies ahead of us and Luke tells a tale about us all being chased by a man in his car and he had a gun.
We keep sliding down and The Committee screams as she falls on her face.
Mick “Its so steep in it, its all these round things”
Luke “They are roley arnt they”
We then walk into the labyrinth of Rhododendron bushes which greets us at the top
which you can see in the enclosed picture
Rhododendron bushes surround the grave
Through the bushes and round a corner brings you into a clearing
Luke “Its just like going back in time”
JC “I think its this way”
Mick “No follow Rosie – there is a clearing here somewhere isn’t there? Its Over here somewhere”
Luke “No its down there”
Mick “Down there???”
We search through the maze of Rhododendron bushes till we reach the other side, its hard trying to find a route that goes straight through without being lead off to the left or the right, we must be searching for a good ten minutes through all the spiders webs
Searching For The Grave...
Luke “Its down there”
Mick “Yes but we need to go this way to get down there”
We loose Miss Boley at this point and our voices echo in the woods as we shout for her, of course she comes running out of the trees having found a better way than us and then we are faced with the not very majestic monument.
Mick “Its here!”
JC “Here get me a picture near this tree”
The Photo Of The Comittee near a tree
The Committee trying to read what it says on the headstone
So here is where Robin Hood was buried, last time we came there was a spider attached to it, a rubber toy one
Its all like half broken down at one side, all the bars have rusted through, most of the pieces of the masonry are missing, most of the columns are missing, you can see the actual gravestone at the other side which Jedess Committee is reading…
“Here under this latinus stene, las beer here loath, undering turn near arcade turn years I sat greenhow and pick surt somert Robin here sit till as I an is men live somert land missing again about too hat somert wait 1247 that’s all it says, someones been here you can tell cant you”
The rotten old railings which surround the tomb
Looking inside the grave
Me & The Committee near the grave
The Committee sat on the grave wall looking like she has been possessed by evil spirits with the red eye
The rusted bar that has broken off from the main structure
What it actually says is;
Hear undernead dis laitl stean
Lais Robert Earl of Huntingtun
Near arcir der as hie sa geud
An pipl kauld im Robin Heud
Sic utlaws as hi an is men
Vil England nivr si agen.
Obiit 24 Kal Dekembris 1247
According to many sources this grave is said to be a forgery built in the 17th Century, though why should someone go to all the trouble is not said, must have been some really bored people who would go and build something as big as this.
Also mentioned are the fact that the steel enclosure (which has largely rotted away) was built in order to stop people who were building the Lancashire And Yorkshire Railway from pinching the stone that alledgedly cured there toothache.
You just cannot believe that one of Englands most famous people have a grave in this state of disrepair when they are still frequently featured on the TV and in many films over the years.
We now take some more photos,
On the latter picture Jedess Committee looks almost posessed.
But we did not see any evidence of any ghosts or anything, and this time I am not going to fake any pictures of ghosts but the thing is you cannot hear a single tweet of a bird.
So after seeing no evidence of any ghosts or supernatural occurrences we set off through the woods in search of an ancient foresters house which is now totally overgrown
As we walk away The Committee looses her ear-ring which she says has mysteriously fallen off and we cannot explain the reason why, its almost like there is some presence there, like some really old really strong presence that has been here for thousands of years.
It is watching over this place and as I say this Luke is starting to get nervous, but the place seems so old that it seems time itself has left it behind.
JC “My ear-ring just fell out like someone pushed it, like someone threaded it through by itself without any explanation at all, I think this place is really spooky, there is no birds singing”.
We all stop and sit quiet but we have to admit we can hear a bird and we agree that wherever that bird is it must be very brave.
As we walk through the woods in search of the forrestry house we find no worms or ants but we do see some strange plastic buckets that contain birdseed?
The Committee does eventually find a spider as we make our way through the trees, we then once again loose Miss Boley.
I just don’t know where all the stories come from of crazy game-keepers, there is none of them either
If you look at the above photo you can see the forestry building which actually looks like a very regular shaped bush
It seems the further you get from the grave the more wildlife there appears to be almost as if there is an phantom exclusion zone around it?!
You can always hear the faint rumble of distant traffic from the M62 but Luke asks..
Luke “Dad when Robin Hood was here you couldn’t hear the M62 then could you dad?”
It just looks like a tree, and we have found it through all these vines and roots, I have never seen so many roots – it just shows what a plant can do to a building..
JC “What sort of person would live in here?”
JC “I always though Robin Hood lived in here”
Mick “He cant do beck, it says MCMV”
Luke “What does that mean dad?”
Mick “Its Roman numerals for 1905”
MCMV the date on the overgrown forest house
Looking up from the bottom of the house
Looking up from the bottom of the house
Luke & The Committee inside the house
Its absolutely pitch back inside the building and all the three stories comprise of rotten floorboards all the walls are criss crossed with roots from the huge plant which is consuming it.
We try to make our way under the house where Miss Boley has found in the above picture, and there is a dark passage which disappears into blackness so I point my camera in and take a photo.
Ghostly picture, not really!
Which isnt the picture above, that is one I got from typing “ghostly images” into a Google Picture search.
Underneath the building you can see right the way up and on the ground is masses of fungus growing on the wood floorboards which have fallen through to the base
We walk down the banking and in the distance we can hear dogs barking. We set off on a descent but just find our way back to where we set off from and Luke starts to get scared when we find a load of bunches of twigs placed in the trees and piles of stones.
JC “Its just like that film, that really scary one we watched”
Luke “Blair witch person, when that woman is stuck in them woods”
I try to scare them both by keeping pretending we are lost but the M62 in the distance gives the game away.
Next week we plan to visit the same site after darkness has decended, something I dont think anyone has yet dared do!
So good news there then proof that the pen is mightier than the sword but what about Norwich Union did they give me back my money - well good new there as well heres there letter!
Well we decided to do it, The Committee has been persuading us for weeks but with one thing and another we have never found ourselves with enough time until now.
Armed with four torches and Miss Boley our dog, Me, Luke and Squeaky set off down the calder valley en route to Robin Hoods Grave after dark.
It wasn’t the best of nights, rain was pouring and the wind was gusty but The Committee was adamant despite my repeated warnings about the place that she wanted to go see for herself.
There are stories round our way of people seeing disembodied heads covered in blood with gruesome grins leaving men in psychiatric care after visiting up there and one famous Bradley occupant called the space warrior said after visiting during the day that a huge guaranteed lottery win wouldn’t persuade him to go up there after the fall of darkness.
It made it seem more surreal when Robin Hood was actually on the TV when we departed, anyway we stumbled over the old Iron Bridge with our torches and on to the old road which used to give access to the water works before it was blocked off with huge concrete blocks.
Luke wasn’t over keen on the idea to start with but had just agreed to go to keep The Committee quiet but now has the forbidden woods approach The Committee was having second thoughts about the idea.
We crossed the road and climbed over the wall which seperates the woods from the A644 main Brighouse road and into the darkness, I think the Blair Witch film sprang to mind as we left the road behind.
Climbing the hill the wind got progressively harder and the rain more fierce as if the elements themselves were trying to warn us of impending doom.
I shone my torch into the gloom and could just make out the crest of the hill where it looked like a figure was standing but when I looked away after falling over Lukes feet and looked back there was nothing.
Luke started pleading at this point to turn back and also The Committee was feeling the inhospitable atmosphere and was holding back on her bold steps, I once again shone my torch into the trees and could make something out in the rhododendron bushes at the top but my rational mind convinced me it was a rock with some white writing on it.
I also felt two voices in my head one strongly telling me to go back and another beckoning me into the darkness.
By now Luke had already decided he was going no further and Miss Boley was strained on her lead trying to get back to where Luke was who was by now yelling “dad come on go back!”.
I looked into the darkness and I was sure I could see tiny white lights dancing at the top of the hill, a bit like if a group of summer midges were all carrying a small amount of illumination, the dancing lights were starting to coalesce into a fog…
I needed no more encouragement from Luke and I also noticed that The Committee was also abreast with him running down the hill.
If there is something supernatural up there it will not be me who wants to find out I thought as I decided to do a runner.
We all reached the wall together and scrambled back into civilization thankful to be safe, a part of me telling me that a mind only sees what it expects to see.
So we walked back to our house excitedly telling the tale about our collective experience, and already The Committee was convincing herself that we had not failed in our mission but well we didn’t exactly succeed either!
The Comittees Version
"The Disturbing Account Of Robin Hoods Grave"
It all began when I Rebecca wonted to know what it would be like going up to robin hoods grave in the dark with only a phone a torch and a few people(Mick, Luke and me and the dog rose.)We ventured over the road were we all began to feel tense as we clambered over the damp wall leading up to were the great man himself robin hood. Luke insisted that I go first as it was my idea so I then began to walk straight up the hill but some how Michel got in front of me with rose tugging away on her lead. I was feeling very tense as I went up the long hill I felt as if I didn’t belong there and that something was watching us. At first before we set off Luke was not so keen to go up to the think undergrowth he said what’s the point we might as well go and see Richard but I consisted that we must go up and see what its like. There have been many stories of people going up there and going missing eg.roman soldiers, priests ect. There has been many people who have gone up in the light and have seen things that are unimaginable to the human mind and they have all insisted that they would NOT GO UP IN THE DARK!
Right back to where we were as we were leading up the hill Michel stopped and said I can see something but he said it must be the rocks up at the top of the hill me and Luke was not very sure to go any fervour but we tottered up the last bit of the hill. where we was all falling over logs trees nettles and many more thinks. we finally got to the top when…………………….I saw a white figure in the air above us I was not surety sure at first so I rubbed my eyes but it was still there then Michel goes I can see something that was it I was gone I could not stand it any longer the wind was brushing against my face as if it was trying to keep me there. Of course Luke was in front of me then after me it was Michel I don’t know where rose was during all this but we did not stop to find out as we got the wall the wind died down we felt much better. On the way back it felt like someone was following us Michel tried to tell us that we failed but I think we got far enough to say that there is something terrible in that woods we may go back in the future …………………………………………………………….. !THE END!
Lukes Version
"Robin Hood The Start Of The Night Adventure"
The closer we got the scareder we all got.
The force we could feel it we could feel it the wind
Pushing against are face we stepped in I saw…
A light a little light above the rocks I rubbed
my eyes I opened them then it was gone
we carried on walking among the prickles/nettles
the trees the twigs and the rolly things.
Then my dad goes what’s that
We all looked up and I could not
Se newt I turn away at the dismal
Road and think what have
I got my self in four.
Then Becky says look I saw it
As we wonder towards we se
Another one it was
Like a bug
Lit up flying floating above
And on the rocks I was worried.
We came so far but my dad was
Determined we was shouting come on they was getting closer we had to go it was there we ran
It was Christmas Eve 2006, no snow as usual probably due to the impact of Global warming at least that is what we are all led to believe so that the government can use it as an excuse to raise the tax burden.
Another Christmas for the Ice Queen meant a new opportunity to surpass herself and find even more meaner tricks to play on those around her, her few remaining friends and frozen family.
It was only last year when she was cohabiting with the T1000, Terminator that she had taken the present from her eldest son, Luke and given it to her youngest daughter Bobble for some minor misdemeanour that Luke claimed he hadn’t done.
Go back another two years before that and she hadn’t even let her son Luke see his father from November until January when thankfully the beleaguered child welfare system intervened and gave back access to the poor father.
Lukes father was a fully-fledged Jedi Master and even with his phenomenal diplomatic skills he found it difficult to negotiate his way through the Ice Queens cold-hearted ways.
This year Luke had admittedly been very bad and had pinched £10 from his mother the Ice Queen to pay some bullies at school who were hounding him daily for money and boy was he in trouble.
The Ice Queen had three children Luke to the aforementioned Jedi Master Mad Mick who was nearly 12 and Bobble and O-face to a Zooming Jason who had long since Zoomed off into the sunset screaming and found a new highly profitable life for himself.
She was also expecting a fourth called Hans in March but as was usually the case her offspring came out very premature which was probably a combination of being cocooned in a womb so close to a cold, cold heart and the huge quantities of antifreeze she consumed during her gestation period.
As a result of this she was in an even meaner mood than normal and decided for Luke’s punishment he was only going to see his father for 2 hours over Christmas other than the usual Friday to Sunday episode which had been arranged through the courts.
Now Christmas is a time for kids and JM Mad Mick loved seeing his son and niece Jedess Committee at this time of year and he loved seeing their eyes grow wide with anticipation has they opened their presents.
Jedess Committee was the daughter of Dominating Donna, the Ice Queens sister and Mad Micks brother, The Ticking Bomb and despite being The Ice Queens sister Dominating Donna did have a good heart and frequently tried to thaw out the heart of her kid sister The Ice Queen all to no lasting results.
Mad Mick had tried desperately to change The Ice Queens mind about the Christmas arrangement first with string of text messages which went exactly like this, bear in mind that Mad Mick was a recovering alcoholic and needed to attend is home AA meeting on Christmas day evening…
MICK “I might as well give Luke his presents now cos he says he can only come from six till eight on Xmas day and not again till Friday, well I am going to AA then, can you please reconsider this?”
ICE QUEEN “There’s only one person to blame”
MICK “So you are saying I cannot see my son on Xmas day!”
ICE QUEEN “Ye 2 hours”
MICK “I won’t be here”
ICE QUEEN “Not my problem then”
MICK “Ok”
[I then texted The Messiah a AA friend to tell him I wouldn’t be able to come and pick the money up for the AA meeting since I am the treasurer and he kindly agreed to pick it up on my behalf and wished me a merry Christmas]
[I also gave Luke some of his presents then..]
MICK “Lukes got his presents now thanks a lot”
ICE QUEEN “Pathetic”
MICK “I KNOW YOU ARE”
By now the exchange was getting heated so I choose not to text again until the next day, give the Ice Queen time to think about it and maybe she would change her mind, I prefer to text because its hard to text lots of profanities, the next day I texted her again…
MICK “Do you need to go to the post office”
ICE QUEEN “No thanks”
MICK “Lukes done something naughty so I am punishing him by not letting him see you all next week”
ICE QUEEN “Grow up”
The Ice Queen was stubbornly refusing to let her son see his father for more than two hours on Christmas day, this is how cold she had become, he had been already severely punished already for the admittedly naughty behaviour.
Mad Mick had paid back the ten pound he had stolen and he had said sorry to his mother for the incident but she still felt that he should be punished more and maybe rightly so because there is nothing worse than a thief who takes from his family.
Mick knew that if he kept hold of Luke and didn’t take him back to his mothers on Christmas Eve at 6pm then this would result in a visit by the Babylon since he had called and talked to a very sympathetic Police Lady but she had said that custody cases were a civil matter and it was their job just to uphold a court order.
Mick then reluctantly took Luke back to The Ice Queens palace where she lived with The Russian Spy who was probably the best boyfriend she had had in nearly a decade, the others all undergo regular psychiatric counselling and sadly the poor Russian Spy is well on his way to that fate.
Luke had begged his father just to say Sorry to her if only to make it a better Christmas for himself and has they walked up the long winding steps to her palace with presents for The Ice Queen, The Russian Spy, O Face and Bobble
When they reached the door they found it locked and soon the door was opened by a very angry looking Ice Queen who forbid Mad Mick from entering and spat a string of venomous profanities at him then launched The Guinness Book of Records 2007 at his head and slammed the door shut.
Mick walked sadly away he had tried to help the Ice Queen over the years if only for being able to see his loving son Luke, he had given her lifts to the post office, taken sofas down to her dads the Ice Kings, given her lifts back from the supermarket when she was struggling with her groceries, taken her dog back to her brothers Fubumans when she had evicted it for peeing on her kitchen floor and eating all her butter…
But it was all wasted; she had no conscience not even at Christmas time…
In the spirit world far out of time and space as we know it the supreme spirits were debating the next person who was to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve, this was an annual effort on their part starting in the 19th century with Ebeneezer Scrooge and mostly seemed to have good results.
At the top of there list this year was The Ice Queen, closely followed by Zooming Jason which was coincidentally one of the Ice Queens delusional ex partners but as the votes were cast the Ice Queen was looking like the winner because Zooming Jason once gave Mad Mick one piece of his pizza far in the past.
The Ice Queen was in her bedroom when The Ghost of Christmas’s past appeared in all her glory, luckily The Russian Spy had dropped off downstairs on the sofa which used to be the home of Crusty Crab before The Ice Queen had evicted him.
“What the f*ck are you doing in here” exclaimed The Ice Queen.
Soon the Ice Queen was being taken on a journey through the deeds she had done in the past, the time when she threw a TV through her mothers upstairs window, the time when she pinched a cannabis joint from one of the neighbours who lived up the road.
How she started smoking at the age of three just as she gave up with her dummy and how her first words were “What the f*ck is he staring at”.
How she once threw at 4lb glass ashtray at her first true boyfriend Mad Mick and destroyed any self respect he had for himself and eventually left him dejected and utterly destroyed in the gutter with only alcohol and his hallucinations to keep him company.
How she had arranged for a few of her friends to beat up The Gangster who had repeatedly tried to help her and this act has since left the Gangster in pain for the last year or so with frequent stays in the Huddersfield Royal Infirmary.
The list went on and on and she accompanied the ghost throughout all the images of the past looking entertained and even amused at some of the periods of pain she had seen her friends experience, of course neither she nor the ghost could be seen by the characters from the past.
Eventually the journey came to an end and she found herself back in her bedroom tangled in the bedclothes, it had all been a dream she thought as she tried to return to sleep.
However this was not to be as the ghost of Christmas Present was now here, there is seemingly no rest for the wicked, this time the ghost of Christmas present was a man and as usual she found she quite fancied him.
The first place that the Ghost of Christmas present took the Ice Queen was a local disused stone quarry near Bradley, which was now the home of Crusty, Crab who had once been one of her tenants before she threw all his belongings out into the garden.
Now he was in some damp bug infested ferns with his wet sleeping bag trying to get some sleep but the cold and the whistling of a nearby owl was keeping him awake, beside him was an old alarm clock and a pair of her thongs.
She wondered where those thongs had gone!
Next she went to see Mad Mick in his bedroom all lonely without his son to play with, silently weeping in his bed because he wouldn’t see Luke till 6pm and then it was only for a measly two hours.
Then on to The Gangster, who was curled up in a ball on the floor in pain, surrounded by numerous empty packets of painkillers with his son The Flid crying for his daddy to get up.
Next visit was to her son who felt like a rag doll as the subject of her childish games and her obsession with the small oasis of power she had being his custodial resident parent which she wielded to full effect by locking him in his bedroom for days on end when he only wanted to enjoy time with his lonely father.
She watched herself the very next day as she intercepted all the gifts of money which came from Luke’s Aunty Susan and his uncle Fubuman and kept the money for herself rather than passing it on to Luke.
The Ghost of Christmas present ended his journey by bringing her back to her bedroom once again and refused point blank her request for him to share a nightcap with her.
Maybe the final ghost during that long night was the one that the Ice Queen despite her lack of conscience for her fellow friends and family feared the most, this was the ghost of Christmas Future and here he was stood before her looking like the Grim Reaper.
Inside his hood was only blackness and he simply pointed to the window his hands and fingers devoid of any flesh.
The Ice Queen found herself Sat all alone in her rocking chair, the clock was ticking on the wall and another load of junk mail came through the letterbox and landed with a plop on the huge pile that was already there.
She was all alone, O Face, Bobble and Luke had long since grown up and learned lessons from their mother and gone off to live generous, prosperous lives.
The Russian Spy and Mad Mick had started a very popular Alcoholic rehab clinic and had both married two beautiful charming ladies and lived happy lives, in that clinic Hans had finally escaped from the grip alcohol had on his body from the day he was born.
Only now sat in this chair did the Ice Queen realise where lack of any empathy was taking her, she had always been right she never had to say sorry, but people have long, long memories…
It would be great to say this story has an happy ending but this remains yet to be seen, when the final spirit left her she was shouting that she would change but some things are so deeply in ones make up that it is hard to know where to start.
When she woke up that Christmas morning however a tiny ray of hope was seen in the neighbours who passed by her property when she flung open the window to her bedroom and shouted at the top of her lungs that it was Christmas and proceeded into the verse of a well known Christmas song that was number one for Cliff Richard a few years ago.
Luke, The Russian Spy, Bobble and O Face did notice a fundamental change in her attitude the next morning when she came down and cooked them all breakfast, they thought it was the effects of the lava lamp that Mad Mick had bought her that had made her more serene.
Obviously she had many more amends to make but the new future could only be created one small step at a time and only time will truly tell.
It was a lovely Sunday morning and we were all going to visit the funfair near Leeds, The Valentine Fayre, situated near the Elland Road Stadium.
I was accompanied by my 12 year old son Luke who had managed to shed the Deighton Mode image and his resentments against his mother The Ice Queen especially for the occasion.
Also present was The Jedess Committee Squeaky to give her a full majestic title and of course her doppelganger, the love of her life and best friend Mr Unstable Person who is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Finally Uncle Fubuman was here to supervise the operation having a self confessed addiction to fairgrounds sadly both his favourite ladies could not make it, Miss Jiggy had gone to her ballroom dancing classes and Charlie was still recovering from us trying to wake Fubuman up the night before by knocking at his window and door.
Uncle Fubuman lives in “The Floating Salt-pot Mansion”, which gets its name from me and Fubuman witnessing a levitating salt pot one night at his house after going to investigate some strange poltergeist rapping’s coming from one of the upper bedrooms.
We arrived just after 12pm at the fairground and at first we thought that it must be closed because the place was deserted but as we drew near we realised there were some small amounts of life wondering around and at Fubuman’s insistence we went to investigate.
In order to get into the motionless fairground we were required to spend £1 each which was to pay for the CCTV cameras and burly security guards to keep the fair ground safe from yobs like ourselves.
It would be 1:30pm before the fayre was due to open and in order to pass on the time we walked round the rides chattering excitedly about which rides we were going to go on, Luke and Mr Unstable person (who was a few peas short of a casserole) being the shortest also found that there were some rides that they wasn’t allowed to go on.
It must be the first time in the history of visits to a fayre that we all hadn’t spent a single penny after being present for over 1 hour but I was the first when I went to order a really dodgy salmonella burger from one of the stands.
This act I later regretted.
Gradually the rides began to start moving, at first it was the teacups which Luke decided to go on and how he laughed gaily as the ride spun him slowly round and all the mums sat watching has their own toddlers giggled.
When Luke came off his first ride he exclaimed to his daddy how much fun he was having but he hoped that no-one was from Deighton to witness him enjoying such a girlie ride – of course I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone that he had been on a little kids ride.
By now Mr Unstable Person, who incidentally is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, was getting very excited himself and decided to go on something even more daring than Luke, he looked around and saw the whirligig with all the horses and lions painted bright colours with beautiful music emanating from it.
Jedess Committee wished him farewell and gave him a big sloppy kiss before he ran skipping towards the biggest animal he could see, “You be careful!” shouted the committee has the attendant lifted him on to the big elephant.
“Nellie The Elephant” was playing on the carousel as Mr Unstable, who is not the quickest bunny in the forest, went round and round and up and down smiling contentedly that he had outdone Luke on the teacups because this was an even bigger and more daring ride and it would be really good for his street-cred as well as impressing the committee with his bravery.
Not to be outdone though the Committee had much bigger ideas, while the whirligig was in motion was the longest time her and her wonderful boyfriend had been apart all morning and this gave her time to think.
She looked around the fayre at all the bright lights and contrasting music, over in the distance she could see Fubuman eyeing up this lady with huge boobies and with him was Uncle Mad Mick holding his sons hand who was still recovering from his ordeal on the teacups.
There it was, a big scary ride that would impress everybody, on the front was a picture of her aunty, The Ice Queen, surrounded by lots of witches and ghosts, she would go on the ghost train and see if Mr Unstable Person (The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming) and Luke would go with her.
Soon Luke, The Committee and Mr Unstable Person (who’s elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor) were packed in the little carriage; Luke was covering his eyes with his hands because he had seen enough of his mum all week while Mr Unstable (who Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord) was shaking uncontrollably as beads of sweat fell from his face.
As the train moved slowly through the haunted house all sorts of hideous noises reverberated in their ears and horrible looking monsters popped out of the dark, Luke was really frightened by a big rubber spider which landed on his lap before crawling off away into the eerie darkness while Mr Unstable (who’s receiver is off the hook) actually pooed his nappy luckily his wonderful caring girlfriend fearing the worst had brought along a couple of spares.
By the time they went back into the daylight both Luke and Mr Unstable (who only has one oar in the water) were sobbing uncontrollably and although The Committee confessed she felt a bit scared especially when her aunty ice queen pounced out of a recess with the ghost of Christmas present, she had witnessed worse things in the past, for example having a chat with her dad The Ticking Bomb and when she once met the Muffin Man
Fubuman and Mad Mick were now waiting for the huge washing machine to start which spun round really, really fast, so fast that they would be pinned against the sides unable even to move their heads and The Committee couldn’t help noticing that Fubuman already had a wee stain between his legs.
It took Mr Unstable (who with a few more brain cells and he would be a cabbage) quite a while to get back to something resembling his normal self which incidentally is not really “normal” in the way that most people would describe it and after a quick change of his nappy they were ready for something really big.
The biggest ride at the fayre was The Vertigo and it was about 200 feet up right in the sky, of course Fubuman and Mad Mick had already been up there once and had come back with gasps of excitement as they tried to convey the feelings it gave them.
Sadly Mr Unstable, who is a few bristles short of a broom, was just a wee bit too little when measured against the little man which defined the minimum height for its passengers and had to stay on the ground watching jealously has Mad Mick and Fubuman took The Committee and Luke on the ride of their lives.
The nice attendant ensured they were all securely fastened into the revolving cage that was to take them up way up into the sky and soon they were flying like birds through the sky all laughing as the cage revolved on the end of the 200ft arms.
Luke put his arms in the air as the cage reached its summit and started dropping back down leaving his stomach behind while the committee seated behind cried out whoops of joy, Fubuman who had experienced the ordeal before just sat calmly staring into space.
However Mad Mick who was seated next to Luke was having real problems with his stomach because the salmonella burger he had eaten earlier combined with all the rides he had been on in addition to his love sickness for Squeaky Chair had made him feel like vomiting and he could no longer hold it down.
The bits of burger were soon raining down on the spectators and sadly hit Mr Unstable Person, who’s is a few sausages short of a BBQ, squarely in the face as he squinted up into the winter sky, this was followed with bits of mustard, bread-cake and coca cola which from 200 ft up collided with him at quite a speed.
This made Mr Unstable (who is a few beers short of a six-pack) person very angry and triggered off a metamorphosis that hadn’t occurred for a long time and which he had tried to keep secret from his true love Jedess Committee…
Mr Unstable, who is missing a few buttons on his remote control, then made a right spectacle of himself by throwing a real paddy this was witnessed by a crowd of horrified spectators and Luke, The Committee, Fubuman and a slightly green looking Mad Mick as they alighted the ride.
Jedess Committee gave Mr Unstable (who’s battery is not fully charged) his dummy and this seemed to calm him down a little then carefully with her handkerchief she removed the bits of burger, having a boyfriend was just like looking after those dollies that pee themselves and cry on their own.
The job of calming down Mr Unstable Person was made more difficult because Fubuman and Luke were calling him names such has wuss, and saying he had donated his brain to science before he had done with it.
The next big ride that Mad Mick and Fubuman had originally planned going on was the reverse bungee which at £10 per session was not cheap particularly considering that the vast majority of the rides were between £2 and £3.
Fubuman however wanted a video doing for his mate Mark and the only one who could be trusted to get the valuable footage was Mad Mick so it was decided that The Committee would accompany Fubuman on the death defying ride since Luke still had another few inches to grow and well Mr Unstable person, you guessed it, had an intellect only rivalled by garden tools.
The ride consisted of a spherical gage which could freely pivot about its horizontal axis and attached to the pivot points were two thick bungee cords and on the underside was a very powerful electromagnet.
At the other end of the bungee cords were two huge 120 foot towers in a “V” shape which the cords were pulled over pulleys to make the cords stretch, soon Fubuman and The Committee were seated and extensively strapped into the cage and the cords were pulling tighter and tighter.
Then without warning the electromagnet was switched off catapulting the ball and its terrified occupants skywards, we all watched in eager anticipation has the ball bounced about on the cords some 120 feet in the air.
It was then gradually lowered back to the ground and the attendant carefully manoeuvred it back on to the magnet so they could safely climb back out, the ride took all of 90 seconds.
Luke was at a stall trying to catch a duck with a hook when first Fubuman staggered from the cage followed by The Committee who was met by Mr Unstable Person, who was depriving some village of its idiot, and he threw his arms around her and gave her a big long kiss.
Our penultimate visit at the fayre was to this travelling museum which boasted a whole series of outrageous contents such has a fox with 3 eyes and a boy with two heads and it only asked for a £1 entrance fee which we all decided to pay.
Needless to say we were all thoroughly disappointed with what we saw, all the artefacts were quite clearly thrown together, for example the fox with an extra eye consisted of a stuffed fox with a button sewn in between its proper eyes and the most stupid man in the world was made to look intelligent in comparison with Mr Unstable Person.
Indeed when we exited the crumbling hut the lady collecting the pounds who looked like that little lady from the film poltergeist who keeps shouting for the young girl not to go into the light; was very interested in adding Mr Unstable Person to her artefacts with a caption “Proof that evolution can go in reverse”.
Our final destination was to the most intriguing venue of the fayre, a well known psychic and palm reader The Oracle and her Guardian spirit helper and red Indian chief, “Swollen Knob”
Obviously we could not resist having our fates read and very soon we were all queued up outside the exotic looking caravan.
Mad Mick was first to be called in and inside he finally met The Oracle, who was just finishing cooking some cookies said never mind about the vase and just has she said it Mad Mick knocked a vase over which crashed to the ground with a smash
The mysterious young lady beckoned and said, "For fifteen pounds, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future"
Mad Mick readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Mad Mick.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Mad Mick shamefully admitted.
"That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses," replied the The Oracle.
The Oracle told Mad Mick that soon in the future his love fortunes would change but he had to be patient and most importantly be himself, however the one he calls Squeaky Chair with shoulder length blonde hair terminating with black would not be “the one”.
Next in the queue was Fubuman and as Mad Mick exited the caravan, clearly high spirited with his fortune cookie, he was the next to enter…
In the dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, The Oracle delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to loose someone close to you”.
Your friend will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Fubuman stared at the The Oracles wrinkly face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
Next it was the Committees turn to have her future gazed at by The Oracle and her spirit guide Swollen Knob…
“As I gaze into your future I see a union with someone who may not be the brightest star in the sky, his antenna may not pick up all the channels but you must understand he was a frog in a past life and was kissed then became a prince, in this life you will finally banish his instabilities and he will finally become Little K”
When it was Luke’s turn he was forewarned about turning to the dark side and told when the time was right he would need to seek Yoda who resigns on the swamps of the planet degobah where he would learn about the force and become a Jedi.
Finally Mr Unstable Person whose wheel is still spinning but the hamster his dead went in and was given a glorious image of a wonderful future when the theme tune to the film titanic will be associated with fond memories of what is yet to pass.
As we drove back home we felt we really had a great day out and one that would certainly be remembered
