Breezeblocks Secret Jedi Adademy.
With the final installment of the Film Series Star Wars coming to an end with the open to critical acclaim Prequel/Sequel called “Revenge Of The Sith”, many Star Wars fans have little to debate about now a days except the huge expanding library of confusing books which seem to have gone off at a complete tangent from the original Trilogy masterpiece.
I am sure many people would be surprised that in the Lost World where I work as a Despatch and Admin assistant there is a employee who does seem to possess secret skills similar to the hero Yoda in the Star Wars films.
Some people who are in the inner circle whisper that these skills may have developed as a result of the proliferation of Health and Safety laws that seem to hinder any business now a days from doing what it does best and keeping the economy alight.
I often jokingly call myself a Jedi and in my distant dreams I think I have been promoted to the status of Jedi Master by my spirit guide dripping tap but nothing really has prepared me for what I found out today while eavesdropping on a Manhandling training session for one of our new employees.
Of course I doubt anyone would believe me when I describe what took place before my eyes in The Balloon Wardens office under the training by someone who’s pseudonyms still continue to grow unabated.
I have been warned by Alf, Zippy, Mini Rhino and even Nak the works mechanic not to repeat anything I have seen but being the person who just cannot keep a juicy piece of gossip quiet for too long I just cannot keep my mouth shut or indeed my fingers off this keyboard.
I truly loved Star Wars the film but until today truly thought that a person who had the ability to levitate objects using only his mind was too far fetched to ever meet in practice especially in the gray real world.
Anyway to get to the point now, today I came into work as usual after driving the 22 ½ miles on the busiest stretch of the motorway in the country and was supprised to hear voices coming from The Balloon Wardens office.
Now I knew The Balloon Warden (or Uncle Mick as he is now more affectionately known round these parts) was away on holiday in America seeing his daughter and building igloos so I knew it couldn’t be him in there.
Anyway I continued my morning routine, first logging into my aging PC then bringing up menu 446 on the early 80s AS400 system we still use to see what deliveries were due in and was as usual disappointed by what I saw on the old green phosphor window.
Then I went to make a cup of tea and could still hear voices in the other room – the voice sounded a bit like the bloke we all call by a whole variety of names and at the moment seems to be not only addicted to alcohol but also Blue Black spray, sadly no one has founded a group called Blue-Black spray Anonymous so is problem is still untreated.
Upon making my tea I decided to put my chair by the door and drink my tea while having a little nosy at the training which is apparently compulsory to all new recruits of the lost world who work in physically demanding jobs.
Inside the door Jedi Master Slim Shady tossed a metal bar into the air, in an instant the new recruit I will name Anakin (since I don’t actually have a name for him yet – well I do now) ignited a long glowing rod with a handle and swung frantically at the bar.
But he was not fast enough, and the bar fell untouched to the carpeted floor of Uncle Micks posh office with a thud.
Anakin then collapsed clearly completely overwhelmed with exhaustion on to the carpet.
“I cant” he moaned “Just too tired”
As I sat by the door I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, I must be dreaming I though this simply cannot be happening but there was more.
Slim Shady, who showed absolutely no sympathy, retorted “It would be in seven pieces if you were a Jedi, and you must pass these tests if you are to work here”
I was interrupted at this point with one of my regular drivers coming into the foyer near my window to collect his load of bricks, it was The Grumpy Lumberjack from the Mushroom farm.
I must of looked more dazed than normal because he actually asked me if I was feeling okay but obviously I didn’t dare share with him what I was witnessing in Uncle Micks office, I quickly printed out his tickets and went back to my place behind the spyglass in the door.
Now Anakin was balanced rather awkwardly on his head and Slim shady was precariously positioned on one of the souls of his feet, in one of his hands Slim had some sort of wooden stick.
With a gentle tap from the stick which seemed to signal to the young lad to continue with his next trick since he slowly with a lot of concentration moved one hand from the floor of the office.
His body did waver slightly with the huge weight shift (especially considering Slim Shady must weigh over 15 stone!) but the boy kept his balance and with further concentration started to lift a ream of UKOS A4 photocopier paper into the air.
At this point Slim Shadys mobile phone went off which was perched on the desk nearby and this seemed to distract Anakin since he collapsed along with the ream of paper while Slim Shady jumped majestically clear.
“You big long f*cking Gormless Git” exclaimed Slim Shady more like the way I am used to him, “You need to learn control!”, he then answered his mobile, events given to me by Pinky and Perky our two forklift guys were only revealed to me later today about what happened next.
Apparently Bill had managed to get his digger stuck in the quarry and with all the rain we have been having just lately (yes and still there is a hosepipe ban!?) the digger had sunk in the soft mud and in desperation Bill had phoned Shady the Lost Worlds secret Jedi Master to get it out since he had never been much good at Jedi Mind tricks himself.
Now it seems was a golden opportunity for Slim Shady to give our new recruit Anakin a chance to test his new training and see its relevance to the real world with regards to Health and Safety.
The account below as been signed by both Pinky and Perky and countersigned by Tiger (who I am assured is a very trustworthy character) and goes on to describe what happened at the Quarry.
The last I personally saw of the new recruit and Shady was when they both exited Uncle Mick’s office after I had made a hasty retreat back to my desk and was merrily pretending to be innocently surfing the internet for news of Madonna’s third single to be lifted from the stunning Confessions On A Dance floor LP.
Standing at the waters edge on the Quarry Anakin saw all but the bucket and the top of the exhaust of Bills big digger, “Oh no!” moaned Anakin “We’ll never get it out now”.
Slim Shady stamped his foot in irritation at Anakin’s remark.
“So sure are you?” Shady scolded “Tried have you? Always with you it can be done. Hear you nothing that I say” his huge round face puckered with a furious scowl.
Anakin glanced at Slim Shady/Breezeblock/Honey-Monster/Mini Roundabout/Humpty Dumpty* (*delete as applicable) to quote his full title the looked doubtfully back at the sunken digger.
“Master Shady” he said skeptically, “lifting reams of UKOS A4 paper is one thing but this is a little different” Shady was really angry now, “No! No different!” he shouted.
“The differences are in your mind. Throw them out! No longer of use are they to you”.
Anakin it seems trusted Shady at this point. If Master Shady said it could be done, then maybe he should give it a try.
He looked at the drowned digger and readied himself for maximum concentration. “Okay”, he said at last, “I’ll give it a try”.
Again Anakin had spoken the wrong words. “No,” Shady said impatiently. “Try not. DO. Do, Or do not. There is no try”.
Anakin closed his eyes and reached out his hands palms down (the way Jedi’s do). He tried to envision the contours, the shape, to feel the weight of Bills old digger. And he concentrated on movement it would make in the murky waters.
AS he concentrated he began to hear the waters churn and gurgle, and then begin to bubble with the emerging noise of the diggers bucket. And it hovered there for a moment, and then sank back beneath the surface with a loud splash.
Anakin was drained and according to the eyewitness accounts he had to gasp for breath. “I cant”, he said dejectedly. “Its too big”.
“Size has no meaning,” Slim Shady insisted. “It matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?”
Of course the last statement was a little out of place from a guy who regularly has Fish and Chips four times in one helping and this is washed down by unheard of quantities of Blue Black Spray and weighs in at well over 20 stones.
The poor lad clearly chastened just shook his head.
“And well you shouldn’t.” Shady advised “"For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter,” he said as he pinched Anakin’s skin.
Shady made a grand sweeping gesture to indicate the vastness of the universe about him and by this point not only Anakin was stood at the quarry but there was also Tiger, Pinky and Perky, Nak, Alf , even Zippy and Mini Rhino had come out of the store cupboard to see what all the fuss was about.
Of course I obtained all this merely as hearsay and cannot fully support it only has a third persons account but it is safe to say that what took place at the quarry was the ultimate example of avoiding excessive stain on ones vertebrae…
“Yes Everywhere” Slim Shady continued, ignoring the growing crowd. “waiting to be felt and used. Yes, even between the land aqnd the digger!”
Then Shady turned and looked at the quarry and placed out his hand before him and has he did the water began to swirl. Slowly from the gently bubbling waters the bucket of the digger appeared again.
Anakin gasped in astonishment as did many members of the crowd as the digger gracefully rose from its watery tomb and moved majestically towards a area of dry land.
As cheers of clapping came from the onlookers Anakin vowed to never again use the word impossible, it was a sight that barely anyone with the exception of possibly Alf could believe – since it is apparently rumored that Alf has even greater secret abilities which he likes to keep to himself a bit like that Mr Myoyghi (or whatever) off the film Karate Kid.
Clearly though Anakin was humbled by the feat he had just witnessed and approached Shady in awe. “I…” he began dazzled “I don’t believe it”
“That”. Shady stated emphatically. "Is why you fail”
According to a whole host of eye witnesses at the scene Anakin clearly bewildered shook his head and wondered if he would ever rise to such nochallent heights as a employee of the Lost World.
Of course I did not directly witness these events as I keep saying but this is just another example of the adventure I go on everyday when I enter the lost world.
Clearly I have only been working here just over six months and unlike our newcomer Anakin I have not had any Jedi training as yet, in fact I spend a large amount of my time segregated from the magical happenings in the factory.
Clearly Alf, Slim Shady and Zippy know all about the lost worlds secrets and the humbling abilities they all have and if these unnatural events were to get out into the world at large they could fall into the hands of the Government so they don’t like to share them with me especially since they know I write everything down in this blog.
Health and Safety training in the Lost World like everything else clearly takes on a whole new meaning and quick to follow the example of my mentors tonight I have spent over two hours staring at a salt pot on my mums table willing it to move.
My parents after the initial curiosity left me to it knowing full well that since I have been going to the lost world my behavior has become increasingly bizarre but despite all this the salt pot stubbornly refused to budge even 1mm.
Just recently I have been having a few problems with a router I bought from PC World, now for those not familiar with what a router actually does (seemingly this includes its manufacturer – Belkin) I will quickly explain.
With a Router you connect your ASDL Modem and it splits up the internet so you can in effect receive it at more than one computer therefore if you are like me and have a number of old computers you can receive internet at each of them without having more than one connection.
You can also share your files and printers so that each computer can view and edit files that are on another computer, I have in fact four computers.
There is a computer for my son Luke and my niece Squeaky and one for me as well as a server computer which has all the printers and the large external hard-drive attached and this one is always switched on so I have placed it up the chimney in my bedroom to try and eliminate the whining it does.
Now the router I purchased from PC world was a Belkin F5D7230uk4 and this was a “wireless” router that as the press blurb went…The Belkin 802.11g Wireless Cable/DSL Gateway Router lets users share files and a broadband Internet connection among their computers-without using networking cables well mine did work at first for a few hours then…
All the lights went out and the display turned orange and the only way to fix it was to unplug and replug the power cable so in the end I have had to send a letter to Belkin explaining just what I thought of them in the most polite language I could muster….
Dear Cretins:
I have been a Belkin customer since January 2006, when I purchased one of your Belkin F5D7230uk4 wireless routers.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of after sales service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
After my initial installation everything worked fine for a few hours, my son could log on the internet at the same time as me and my niece could simultaneously chat away on MSN messenger then suddenly without warning we were all disconnected, resulting in me spending 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Welsh robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?
After 57 minutes the chirpy sounding lady promptly told me I would have to phone back later since all your operatives were no longer in the office and the line went dead, meanwhile I alleviated the boredom by playing with the power supply transformer by switching it off and back on again the router somehow managed to reconnect and we were all happily restored to our internet connection and my niece Squeaky was slightly annoyed that her friend had now got bored and decided to do something else.
After a few hours the router once again disconnected this time me and my son was enjoying a strategic battle on one of the multiplayer PC games called “Stronghold” and I had Luke’s bow and arrow men on the retreat I was firing diseased cows at his knights using my trebulet and my boily pot men were getting ready for a surprise attack on his village, in short I was beating the little b*stard but in almost my moment of glory the damned router switched itself off and came back on with the familiar dull orange that I had came to associate with extreme anger on my part.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled problem jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Welsh robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I finally decided to take the offending item back to PC world and in the queue for the PC clinic I met another person who was also totally perplexed at what was wrong with his router, I shared with him the problems I had been having and could see by the insane grin he was giving me that he too had experienced moments of extreme rage when he was disconnected at a point of 98% downloaded only 5 minutes remaining of some important software he had managed to get from some corrupt file sharing software.
The guy at PC world asked me if I had tried the Belkin helpline and when I said I had but I had never had any answers from it he suggested I continue so fobbed off I returned home and with renewed vigour set about trying to get through to someone who could help.
This time I was in luck and I found my self talking to a lady in India who after asking me to explain the problem I was suddenly disconnected by a load of static, so I tried again and again..
It was a few days before I managed to get through again to your company and this was a few more days of the stupid box disconnecting me always at points which it seemed to mischievously select for the maximum amount irritation it could cause.
This time the Indian man managed to take my details, my email address and my phone number and promised that I would be called back within 24 hours with the possible offer of a replacement because in his divine wisdom he had come to a conclusion that my router was probably faulty (he also gave me a reference number which I forgot).
Needless to say nobody ever phoned back and I have finally given up hope on the offending article and finally done what I should of done at the very first and bought a router from one of your competitors which has so far worked like a dream however I shall never again feel fully relaxed when I am winning at a computer game with my son or just at the point of almost downloading something that has taken me hours in fact I still have nightmares of routers with orange lights indicating they have disconnected and I suspect that this may stay with me for a very long time to come.
I thought Netgear was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Belkin, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. Netgear -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to advertise your services to me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Belkin, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
May you rot in Hell,
A Mad Mick
I must apologise for the above letter, it is not normally in my character to get so resentful against a company but I must admit I do feel better having said it all and sent the letter in the post box, of course I shall share with you any replies I receive.
