Notice from The Press Complaints Commission ''Your newsletter contains far too many expletives and from now on we require that you give prior notice of the sort of Language people are about to read so we propose a censoring process of the form... ''
XXXX Not For Sellers Employees XXX Shop Floor Limited Edition
XX Not suitable for Woman, Directors or John Anstock X not suitable for Woman MG Male Guidance and U Universal, Okay that done can I get on with my story...
Follickly Challenged says.. "I went to Balsan to do a 'friendly' service on one of their shears, Ettie Wainthropp told me it was a model of machine called 'The Horizon', so I got tooled up to encounter a Horizon but it turned out to be an ancient Mark 72 for which I was not prepared for.
So I asked them when their mechanic was coming, 1 p.m. I was told, this gave me an idea... [ping light bulb appears in minds eye) I will go through the maintenance procedure with your mechanic... (who will hopefully have all the correct tools), then I can make sure your mechanic is doing the job right'' This is an example of Sellers employees commitments to Sellers, a man who was in a difficult situation turning this to his advantage and making them at Balsan believe we are a efficient and dedicated company which don't get me wrong we are....
It is Tuesday morning and I dreamt last night I was climbing a cliff with those ropes and pins you hammer into the cliff face to secure the rope bit obviously in the dream my pins flew out and I fell but woke up before landing... Hermingtrude who I am telling of the dream says if I had landed and died I would of really died... I think about death and my friends in heaven...
When I get to the Tin Shop with the wagon The Tobacco Man is telling me about the government talking their bullshit... ''They tell us inflation is 1.3% but where do they get their figures, eh, Petrol has gone up 40p in the last three months all going to the oil companies and that big fat bastard down in London, our M. P.s think the working man is living in cuckoo land and they have already made up their mind to go into Europe regardless of the results of any referendum, its a dictatorship not a government with lies and hypocrisy, Oh doesn't she look lovely this morning, her husband works at David Browns and he is a park time fireman'' It Seems Diet Coke Break has arrived and The Tobacco man is pissed off with the cost of Petrol.
Judy my parents depressed dog has got breast cancer, and the poor thing has never had a shag Wonderwood says.. "I had a dog called Judy when I was younger, I was most upset when she died when I was 14 now at the age of 62 I am losing another Judy we noticed a lump on her and decided to take her to the vets however none of the ethnic minority taxis would entertain the idea of having a mere dog in the car but one non-ethnic minority taxi firm said he had a dog of his own and he knows how
Wonderwood feels......
Judy was diagnosed as having cancer and has just had a £ 1000 operation, the last I heard she was successful in the operation and is in recovery come on Judy'' Judy is twelve years old and we have had her since birth from her mum Bonnie who sadly left us for the afterlife earlier this year, in my sad university years when I was discovering this Universe is nothing but a gigantic machine I used to take Judy and Bonnie all over Bradley's ancient sites.
Judy is perhaps the most placid dog I have ever known and she has a heart of gold where kids are concerned, she is the most good natured dog I have ever encountered Judy went on to make a recovery but sadly died from a heart attack on Friday Afternoon, she has gone on to join her mum in the afterlife Judy My parents depressed dog 1987-1999.......
Why does The Balsan Job have five numbers? All But Smithy reckons that is so that Sellers management can perform more accurate costing, when they do a job using sections employees tend to log on to a bar-code that is perhaps the right number but the wrong section.
I think that the Balsan job is on five numbers so that they can make parts on the numbers issued that are easily transferred to other machines in the pipeline so in the event that the French refuse to back up their handshake with a signature we will not have lost too much money.
Anyway it is rumoured round the sh*thole gossip that we have £ 4-5 million worth of orders for the month of September we shall have to see.
Dynamic Dave says... ''Its the end of the world and panic is spreading round Sellers and a mushroom cloud is now clearly visible on the horizon, employees are running around waving their hands in the air in a state of frenzy Even the normally calm Aussie is a state of pure terrorised panic, however, in the haze of gun wash in the department known to us all as The Magic Roundabout, Dougle is still busy sanding and painting his last few minutes away 'Owt but work' he mutters to himself has fellow employees rush around like possessed ants'' Our Insurers are complaining that there are fag ends all over in the knucks and crannies, it has been suggested that Ettie Wainthropp should be fitted with sand buckets and metal receptacles for his 160 fags per day habit... "And does tha not know like that there was a huge earth shattering event in the Progress this week like, Bez fell over! Brian Kinder was on the scene within minutes with his hat with a blue light on the top, But does tha not know he was unable to rescue Bez out of the hole he had created.. '' Aright Ettie you will get me beat up...
I arrive at The Fitting Dept and Magic man and Ettie Wainthropp are involved in a heated exchange of vocal interaction something about hanging baskets and diesel but I won't go into too much detail except to say that every 5 minutes you spend arguing knocks well over a hour off your life.
''What's this in my office" shouts Ettie Wainthropp when returning from The Machine Shop to Magicman. ''Well you told me to come in your office" shouts Magicman back.
On return to the progress a chalked figure is now visible on the floor where Mr Happy disappeared and at the side of the picture of Mr Happy is a chalked book... ''The damage to the concrete floor will have to be paid for'' says Beaky.
Yorkshire Bank.. the bank that likes to screw you up have just charged me £ l 5 but I became overdrawn first of all due to an earlier charge of £ 9 as a result of being just 5p overdrawn! Jedi Knight Mad Mick goes to visit them with use of his mind force, they will soon back down from their legalized theft from my wage, I also enquire which one of the silly c*nts were responsible for sending me a credit card with a £ l 300 limit! despite me having defaulted on my loan and having the credit rating of a Big Issue seller! The credit card is efficiently deactivated and the card destroyed by the receptionist and an apology is made by Yorkshire Bank ''Your money will be in your account by the close of business and we do try to listen to your problems and thanks for telling us about the card"
Magic Man is our new resident ambulance driver / paramedic after a rather serious accident in our fitting department reports the elder Ettie Wainthropp, it seems Captain Pugwash caught his fingers in a grinder, Ettie Wainthropp now takes up the matter..
''Does tha not know, my man was so badly mangled they had to transfer him to Jimmies because they couldn't do owt at t infirmary" "We all wish our old navy friend a speedy recovery at least he had an accident when it was quiet'' lts Wednesday night and a visit by The Jedi Master... ''Do you know what put me off my tea Dame, that fried spider in with my chaps '' The Jedi Master says to you al1... ''Using the power of the force as my ally, I will turn antiquated thinking Sellers ship around. for I am a Jedi Master and have two Jedis under my wing you know the silly c*nts Jedi Mick and tother Jedi Fuck*p from Peanut Butter, he's as blind as a bat as well'' I do not know what has happened but I am going back in time now to Tuesday David Beckham is telling me that he cocked up at the last minute at the Poole match, they lost 5/2 instead of 4/3 due to him screwing up an easy shot with a black ball reminiscent of my last match at bowling.
At least Sellers poole team thought about me again and absent and very poor they did not eat a lot again and left me all the leftovers which Ada-lassie kindly helped me package ready for transit on my mountain bike Christine back to the needy in Bradley.
There is a roller causing a little excitement, it seems the pattern that had to be squashed on the tube has also squashed the metal on the roller causing it to spread and expand hence cracking the weld.
Florence says that this weekend he is going to visit Cuz Wally at Dapple down farm at Upperheaton for his tea and to see his two sheep Dolly & Daisy as well has to drop off an old cast iron bath out of his bathroom in the old peoples home.
I would like to say a few words in thanks about Cuz Walls old tin baths that litter the neighbouring fields around Paul lane because it was one of these baths that saved my life and put me out when I was consumed by flames on that day back in July 1990.
While my parents Wonderwood and Battyeford Lill still mourn the tragic loss of their dog Judy, it seems some of our employees could not give a sh*t about there pets... ''Theres not much right with people who don't like animals but theres not much wrong with those who do'' Wonderwoods Dad.
When Ettie Wainthropp got home from work after another hard day with no holidays he heard a loud meow from under his car, he discovered casually that his 17 year old moggie had been squashed under his wheel in a mad desperate attempt to get out of the way, the cat was put down.
Aussie says ... ''What did we do before mobile phones, they are a menace to our society, and they are everywhere, I was in the Chippy the other day and there was this guy in there with his mobile phone asking his wife at the other end weather she wanted Mushy Peas whilst being served two lots of fish n chips ''. "I am total anti mobile phone and it is my lifes mission to see that they are eradicated if I see one on the bar at my local, The Fountain I always 'accidentally' spill some beer on it.. . '' Captain Cack takes an interest in the dialogue and approaches "I am still using 2 cups and a bit of string'' Aussie says "I used to do that with the now departed but typically wanting to come back Hamster Spring A Leak and I charged him £ 20 per week for his cup 'line rental' '' ''This place cannot be real, it must be one of those programs you see on Sky One'' I think as I look back at the place and depart for Bradley in the pouring rain wondering how much more stuff I will have room for obeying the voluntary three page limit.
Just getting a bottle of Acetylene from the Tin Shop and Jedi Fuc*up turns up... "Fackin hell Michol, l've brought you some sausage rolls man, knowing you are starving, I've been sat in my house all week under a blanket with no money but I got paid yesterday and went out to Johneys to blow it and hopefully pick up a nice girl man'' "After going to Johneys I ended up at this guys bedsit at Rough Riding or something, the guy had a big hole in his wall and he was having a violent punch up with his Mrs so I facked off man" Been to the pub at dinnertime and Jedi Fuc*up took on See Three Pio at Poole and after a close match down to the last ball Jedi Fuc*up was victorious and my Jedi friend managed to buy me a half unlike Beckham whose promised pint failed to materialize.
''Fackin hell man aren't they all a bit sad I had a weird dream last night that I went back to peanut butter and stayed two days and came back cos I missed Yorkshire man'' Its Friday night and The Jedi Master Mace Windu says to me, I had a weird dream last night, I was fighting with Darth Vador whilst looking at my watch and waiting for all these Jedi's to turn up.
Why don't Sellers give you a chance for Design Draftsman that was in this weeks examiner, you would make a good draughtsman with your imagination, ask them to give you the opportunity to use your mind and prove for once and forever you are more than a Drunken Bum. Soz about bowling...
"Do you know you have a nondeplume like Aussie who is called Coltn" says Cheesy "Saturday morning when you·'as absent everybody was asking 'where is that f*cking cunt', but for once everybody got a sarnie and Ettie Wainthropp got a full packet of cigs. However news just in this week says he has again quit smoking and he is wearing a nicorette patch on his bottom"
I awake on Tuesday morning and drink what I think is a full can of beer, but, I discover after tasting it
that it is in fact a full can of p*ss from the night before. , .
Its Health & Safety tms morning'at school, the danger of excessive glue sniffing, danger of nicorette
patches and mobile phones to your health. . .
Joe Pasquali challenges me to a dual on Wednesday 24th of March down at Lockwood bowling green at dinnertime which we both hope The Eskimo to give us a lift and act as score keeper for our bowling match which the winner is the first to eleven.
Can you guess who these guys are talking about;
"I don't think he is getting any better since he has been going to school, in fact I think he is worse" "I think h~ alright one to one but he shows off if a third party is present"
"He proper embarrasses The Eskimo and I saw him having a sneaky fag this morning" Rigsby Amway (Sorry life in Amway is the next story) + The Eskimo TA. ..
It is not really Jedi Michael who writes all these stories but Mad Micks spirit guide called Dripping Tap who was once a red Indian, from the tribe....... Ogalla ... Sioux and was friend with Red Cloud ..... "You should of seen Custersface when we all held up a battle to pray to the great spirit, two hours later he was dead".
I Dripping Tap have been set aside by the spirit guides to help lift Sellers gently to the other side of the dreaded millennium I am good friends with Red Cloud, Running Water and Toilet Wmer. .
I ap1 now in the Sellers Canteen when this informatiori is passed from the spirit world into my gradually unfolding spiritual consciousness Ada Lassie is saying to Cuz Wally "We don't come into your place to play with your tackle so don't play with ours".
I have just been out in the works van to Lindley and also to Bradley so that I could change my socks which Dipsy says was smelling a bit, "when you are on the wagon Mick my nose is at the same level as your horrible smelly socks, the odour is stronger than gun wash"
Numbnuts is here with a red face ''] am not singing God Is Nice, and the music won't be all Madonna, in fact we don't know what we are going to do at our Bowling meeting on Friday, we don't even have any books to give !Jut"
Poe is nearby anahis having .his holidays in Coventry this year because he spends all day at Sellers this year and has got to like the place promises an appearance he is our newest bowler in the All Stars I Am Dripping Tap and have possessed Mad Micks body via alcohol and I am in Sellers Social Club after just one can of rocket fuel and I am watching your employees play with their balls once again.
I have just two balled Lady Penelope and even managed to beat Captain Cack once but he did give me a lot of chances to boost my confidence and make me act a bit serious, we are all for once listening to modem music of last weeks charts when Madonna made her new entry with Nothing Really Matters at Number Seven, I have titled the tape "Doom And Gloom" and left it for future plays ....
Follickly Challenged is now playing with me at balls and confuses me by saying that I am doing better than him cos seven of my balls are still on the table, Monica Lewinski is invading our thought patterns from big brothers box in the corner.
"Think of the sun and the moon when setting your balls up "I say, ''] do not know what you are on about Mad Mick"
Captain Xerox's Son has just arrived and chucked me out of the lime light, Captain Xerox Junior got 3 yellows, a red and the white in with one shot against Mr Follickly Challenged.
Richard Cocking [DaVid Beckham to us in the spirit world who love the place] went to meet Captain Cack [That's Better!] the other Sunday and it was windy, he must not have any mousse on his hair looked like a bust sofa bed, Hey he is here alright Richard your hair looks like a bust sofa bed ....
We are all watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" nobody is watching the Poole Lady Penelope was wrong and the guy on Big Brothers Box takes £64,000 and now we can't hear it anymore because the boxes volume has disappeared to be replaced with 0040.
"Didn't you know that Chris Tarrent used to be in TISWAS" says Captain Cack
"The Balloon Warden once gave me a lift to Sellers and he was driving along with ice all over his wind screen exc&2! for a two inch square he was looking through" says Follickly Chal. lenged. . . The Tin Shop Poet is meanwhile trying to get in touch with a Diane Robinson ~Qr so~e unknown .: c ~ reason with a telephone "How did the crimea get on at the wagon & horses" he says into the receiver I
Captain Xerox Junior Reporting .... In qeep shit right from the start .
"I hate the thought of what it will smell like in the Progress and Machine Shop toilets tomorrow
morning" says L84Y Penelope and grabs the magic book and says... , .
Terry's [eh?] chilli / curry / nephalm is too PCKING hot! Men worry about the strangest
things We are losing at poole and they are moaning conStantly but hasn't
anybody noticed that The Tin Shop Poet's [That's Better] food is burning a hole in their
throats? MADMEN!
Nobody it seems has a clue what is happening with respect to the Poole match which is supposed to be reported on by this tired lad you call Mad Mick has come to watch we have however firmly established that they are losing ...
"'It seems the reason for being here is go on Lady Penelope .... "We are like overgrown animals and our thoughts have outgrown our brain so they are overlapping in the psychosomatic" see you can talk sh*t as well!
"Who won last night" is the thought in my head when I arrived at my Jedi Masters for more urgent teaching due to the nights events, I went for twos on't chilli before the opponents had any and their was an urgent possibility of supplies running low.
Cuz Wally and Windows it seems like to watch "Country File" by John Craven but both live on a farm and do not know how much one of those big round bails of hay cost that you see in late summer in the fields .... Dripping Tap has again taken over my thought trajectory and has summons me, he claims he was Running Waters best mate back in 1731 and he his my Red Indian spirit guide but I think I am ~imply nuts .. _. You Will See It When You Believe It are the words in my head.
"I had a vision last night, 1 woke up with Captain Cack squashed into the wall and over in the corner of the room was a tiny pinprick of light and slowly it brightened before going offwhen my electric token ran out of credit that is the nearest 1 have been to a Near Death Experience"
''Are those boltsfor Pop's leg" "It was a ace joke laughs The Balloon Warden our boss" "Born
2B Wild set off ufiiJo the machine shop on the Yellow Truck which Dipsy likes crashing into walls with but that run out 6f steam, the load was promptly transferred to another more energetic truck which resulted in a gigantic crash at the top of the Progress slope"
"Their will be some cheap flights at the turning of the millennium and just think only suicidal pilots will be up there, all the sensible ones will be in bunkers" says our newest All Star ... Poe.
"We won't be safe anywhere, washing machines will be exploding and videos will be behaving erotic and just think of those computers at the Nuclear Power stations. may be 2000 is the real end of the material world after economic meltdown at the end of September"
I am pedalling home Wednesday night and I decide to visit The Knight Rider at his new address near the heritage farm, but before I find his house I hear The voice of The Knight Rider himself "Mick!"
I inform the Knight Rider of our immanent bowling meeting where Numbnuts is hopefully going to sing "God Is Nice" by originally Cliff Richard., The Knight Rider says that he will top the averages this year ..... The Year Of The Rabbit.. ..
Luke has been good this week says Leanne who has diverted Pud to drop Luke off at their house and I have been invited for tea .... The Knight Rider is busy feeding his baby daughter born on Christmas day called Chelsea .. I Remember being at your house warming party at Fartown ....
I put two's up at Dominating Donna so she through a pint over me and then she punched me so I stood up and Hop-head stood up but luckily The Jedi Master and his brother intervened as a result of this intervention a scuffle did not break out "Where was I, I.ask The Knight Rider" Oh you was asleep somewhere and you was supposed to be the host
It is Thursday morning and I had a dream last night that I could fly and I was in the sky over Huddersfield and everybody else could fly as well, some better than others, the government were annoyed because they couldn't tax anybody ...
"You are talking to me but, it doesn't look like you can see me" says Poe and h.e does not believe I have a guiding Red Indian spirit called "Dripping Tap" it is more like "Tripping T8!pped" he says.
"What was it like when Luke first said daddy" asks The Knight Rider "it is like somebody hitting you with a big stick on the head" I reply.
Laa Laa finally awarded me with a microwave oven which I am now using to warm up my Lasagne
.•••• "Are You as sarcastic has your son I ask his mum".
"This week at the early learning centre somebody has run off ~th MrBurgers bun and it has j'*cked the game up completely" says Aussie "Every day in every way we get better and better, I have just.
learned that when I drop my tape in coolant " . ~"
Secret Squirrel was not supposed to be here this week and just look at all the lovely good business weather he has. missed for his next job as a Ice Cream Salesman {Sorry Aussie}. .
"Haven't you yet committed suicide" says Hamster Spring A Leak to Reappeared Derek. Devastated by the loss of Rod and Emu falling off his house roof I searched for solace around the
works. ~ . ,"
''It is a bit hard holding on with one hand and the other stuck up Emu's arse" Mr Happy "We all should have a day off to mourn" Magic "Man ' "Driver it is no concern of mine what so ever" The Great One
''Ian Shaw ate my Hamster" says Secret Squirrel "This is my last quote now its over. to Dwain"
''Rod had no control of emu, look at the incident with Michael Parkinson, maybe emu turned on Rod halfway up the ladder, he has been known to be very vicious" Poe.
''I would of sent emu up on the house roof' The Giant
The Follickly Challenged Q Ball says "he would not have lost his balance ijhe had left emu in the room".
It is finally Friday afternoon and Chiefy makes me feel better by telling me "You did not waste your educationMichael, but, your education was wasted on you and Kelly Heavens, Lady Penelope's predecessor has never recovered from 'Trimming The Christmas Tree with Malcolm is now in a
younger offenders institute for pedalling drugs. .
It is Saturday morning and Chiefy bought me a sarnie, Li££le Tony bought me a coffee, Dipsy was
annoyed but Beaky said I was "Bright & Breezy" .
''If you are singing at this bowling meeting you can strike me off' says Poe.
''Do you know, John there was this guy at Butlins who got the mop out and started cleaning the stage during myperformance of 'Like A Virgin', I received IJ9 on the clap-o-meter.
It is by now Saturday afternoon and by passing the boring bits I am now in the Jungle and Luke is telling me ... ''I Idw a little brown monster with black and white eyes it came from under mummies bed and it said hello to me, it was good and not very scary. It slept in my bed because it had no where else to go. I got a smiley face at nursery last week and Becky got a mention in the special book" Luke and Princess Becky have never looked happier, they are playing "lets jump across the stream" down at Mary-Ann's Garden near the Iron Bridge at Bradley.
Luke has just fallen in and is now crying but is soon rescued by Princess Becka.
It is Saturday night and I have arrived at Hop-heads house while he was phoning the Bradley Megaphone to see where I was, then, we all set off on a mad walk to The Knight Riders house.
We arrived and Mr.C my neighbour, Mark!, Leanne and The Knight Rider were enjoying a Daadoo rail... "Ifthe Jedi Master was here it would be his house walming party" says Hop-head.
I Do not know what tablets Leanne is on but they give her good taste.
The Knight Rider was steaming as I released the fart spray behind Mr C's chair which was a message from our Jedi Master and when Popeye arrived I convinced him the spray was deodorant.
I have missed you a little bit I say to my son Luke who has been kept under the wing of The Jedi Master thanks to Cuz Wally's advice.
''It does not rain in heaven" says Luke, back, from The Jedi Master's, ''It was alright at Damians and I was good, I went to the toilet. Cleopatra gave me some chips on a plate. I missed my daddy a little bit but not a lot".
John Ewitts Crow is wondering around after me and Luke went for a walk with Being all poorly Cleopatra and our Jedi Master we are now sat near the barrier at the end of Lower Quarry Road which we imagine has barriers at both ends.
I round the weekend offwith me and The Jedi Master following Forest Grump to the Windy tunnels where me and Forest discovered the power of the air pressure when a train enters the adjacent tunnel, I am thrown through the air with the blast and even Forest is knocked from tile usual horizontal position. I am now back at my flat listening to Oasis after having one of my best weeks for ages and Thank You to Floating Ronnie for the bathroom mats and Thanks to Laa Laa for the microwave .. Jedi Michael Pub Code NZR31R c. 21/3/99 {Hopheads 30th Birthday older} The Dl\pping Tap.
The suggestions for names for the new horizon has spawned many entries, Vision by the Balloon Warden was seriously considered by Captain Morccambe but it seems he needed a generic term I had to look the word up in the dictionary when I got home) so New Horizon looks the favourite.. Hamster Spring A Leak got sent up to the stores today by our new apprentice called Andy who was warned by Lady Penelope to beware of Mad Mick... Poor old hamster Spring A Leak was sent for a long stand and guess what he got ...
It is Wednesday 13th of January and captain Cack has had nightmares of The Balloon Warden becoming J.R. Ewing out of Dallas and I must apologist for receiving two phone calls from Media Select regarding the library's video disappearing in my recent(ish) burglary.
Now I must go back to an earlier written news-letter which has been heavily edited to make it suitable for reading... I got rather drunk writing it on Sunday....
Most of us seem to have made it pretty much intact back from our adventures over Christmas apart from a few casualties, Pop sadly broke his leg falling out of a taxi and O1d Man Of the North also broke his leg when a dry stone wall fell on it whilst he was out hiking on the North
York Moors
Aussies was two days late coming back but being starved into submission had to come in with the dreaded flu virus that seems to be decimating the Human race.
It seems according to a variety of sources that I was fast asleep in the Plumbers on the last day explaining my lack of memory about the events taking place there. Mutley and Step Reebok apparently dragged me out unconscious and put me in a taxi after repeated attempts to wake me by Lady laughter who inquired with Magic man about my well-being . thanks at least somebody cares.
Laa Laa feels very strongly that his game of bowls was like being in a board meeting... "I was in a lane with Captain Morecambe, Captain Wise, Captain Beaky and Ettie Wainthropp and they spent the match discussing-future painting projects.... '' Chairman of The Mass Debating Society and Mutley were also a little upset at not being mentioned about playing bowls in my lane sorry it must of been all the beer...
Mutley apparently went on to win and The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society had helped me to aim my bowl the right way for me to achieve a total of three strikes..
Captain Beaky wants feedback about what we all thought of the last day, everybody I have talked to thinks it was an absolute success and many who didn't attend say they will definitely do so if it is repeated next year... well that's if the world does not end as predicted by Cuz Wallys mother huberd... its only a date says Liquid Sunshine.
I am secretly glad to be back at Sellers. listening to Tinky Winky on about the big shelf debate in Tele Tubbie land... oh this is ecstasy... Secret squirrel wants to put some shelves up in Teletubbie land in the vapours of gun wash.
Tinky Winky thinks it is unnecessary and he will bang his head all the time.
The Balloon Wardens hand seems to be causing a bit of amusement amongst us....
It was probably rankers cramp but the balloon warden would not be able to decide which hand to use '' that came from Cuz Wally in Devon aged 7 3/4 'He had a dandelion removed'' Aussie ''He always gives me the bad quotes'' 'His hand has been surgically removed from his head'' Laa Laa Oasis jokingly suggested that his hand had to be surgically removed out of somebody's (CENSORED) after the Balloon Warden being unable to disagree with his lordships opinion about his faithful subordinates overtime! The Balloon Warden says we are part of the machine shop and if they don't work over neither do we but surely The Progress is a separate department from the Machine Shop or why don't they rename us The Machine Shop....... and when Ettie Wainthropp wanted his header boxes urgently no body would bring them for him.
If jobs are required to be done within the works during the overtime it is only fair that it is the person who's job it is regularly who should do it and if that person is required he should be present..... The Balloon Warden came out in the end with the classic Sellers quote when further questioned with pure logic....'Well has always been done like this '' Captain Beaky in his ''Sellers will/will not (delete as applicable) beat Sellers'' speech gave reason the foundations for us to look to the future and not to the past for ideas..
Numbnuts says... In one of is conversations.....
''.... yatter yatter..Darren Boyce Software UK has hit a gold mine with the copying if Windows 98 from...yatter.... '' Wonderwood finally gets round to modifying Luke's stabilizers just in time for Luke's Wednesday visit... it is now Thursday 7th of January and I am writing about it..
The ONLY problem was Luke was unable to reach the brakes and Silly Daddy let him have his first go by releasing him down a hill.
Me, The Jedi Master, Cleopatra Sarah and Laura who were present at the event when a three year old Lunatic was speeding down Lower Quarry Road and we were all running after him...
Thankfully Sarah who was on her bike managed to stop a terrified Luke and save the day yet again.
'lt was enough scary'' he remarked afterwards... I am now sat in Trap 1 of the machine shop after being threatened by Magic-man to write another news-letter... "We dont 'twant Quantum Mechanics crap... we are quite content to see the afterlife when we meet it .... '' "I was talking to a guy over Christmas who had made the decision to go there prematurely and has since gassed himself.... '' ''Didn't you try to pursued him otherwise...... '' I asked Magic Man...
''No.... '' says Magic man deep in thought....''; asked him for his watch and do you know he gave it to me!.!.!.... That's how I knew he was serious" An Upright (a technical term for a part of the new WEIRD & WOBBLY which will be the name of the new shear until we hear an official name) of the wrong hand made it all the way to the Fitting this is now taken up with my on the scene reporter Tinky Winky...
'It was amazing an Upright had made it right to fitting and was of the wrong hand, it was about to be fitted by Squeaky when it was discovered to be somehow wrong by Ziggy Stardust... It was the Balloon Warden who initially made the mistake but due to him being so efficient recently I had become complacent and those who make no mistakes don't do owt" Preparations for the next Bowling Season are already underway and Captain Morecambe has decided to give us all T-shirts Numbnuts becomes Captain Numbnut and I become the new secretary... we welcome back Dangermouse and is mate Penfold back to our A1l* line up and has new official players we have....
POE from Tele-Tubbic Land likes CORNISH Pasties from AR Jones and GUN WASH ETTIE WAINTHROPP who has took his Jedi Masters advice and decided to give up smoking WONDERWOOD my daddy... er hello dad ... you aren't that bad says Damian Aussie says the first day of the new millennium is 1st January 2001 and the big deal about 2000 is a money making scheme...
It is Thursday dinnertime and Lady Penelope cheers up Teletubbie land |1t.11 one of her rare visits... it is our first week back... Lady Penelope complying we are all mad and high on gun- wash... The Balloon Warden lays collapsed on the floor as she steps past him..
All But Smithy and Me have just been to The Ex Captain's house. he has apparently bought a field for his dogs to play in and fancied some new cast iron gate-posts for his newest possession.
After all the mad events at my flat at 98 Keldregate I would be bored sick if I lived there....
A1l But Smithy says our Ex-captain lives with John Shire off Calendar on ITV.... Probably for entertainment 1 think as we leave "The Glorified Terraced House''...
All But Smithy says he has just been to India for his holidays over Christmas... and he still thinks he his still there by the way he is driving. .. He has one foot on the accelerator and another hand on the horn with a loony expression on his face.
''Wouldn't it be nice if we the lottery this year now that would make me happy'' says Mr Happy...
''You don 't need all that money it only costs of odd a month for happy pills.. . '' I reply It is now break-time on Friday and I have just enjoyed a lovely Sausage and Beans sarnie now that my appetite has finally returned, Numbnuts wants to proudly confirm the arrival of his second creation . . . A new Baby Numbnuts due around July when he will be having an operation to fit a new hand.
''HeIlo Council Tax People I cannot afford my January payment because I have a low paid job can you help me... '' . ''You owe £138 for our non existent service Mr Schofield and remember we offer excellent valuator for money.. £69 will be paid on 5th Feb. and the rest a month later or we will get a court summons and take it directly out of your wage... Thank you" Hamster Spring A Leak plays a trick on a visiting ex-employee called Pink Spindle Panther and ends up shouting down his mobile phone to his mum ''Damian you big stupid cunt'' sadly Hamster Spring A Leak failed to wait for The Pink Spindle Panther to reach for his own phone for confirmation that it was the correct person he was speaking to.
Hamster Spring a Leak thinks Captain Cack resembles Barny out of the 'I'V program "The Simpsons'' and Aussie feels that Hamster Spring A Leak could be our future managing Director.
It is Saturday morning and I have been invited in by The Balloon Warden and after using enormous amounts of will-power to get up I managed actually to arrive on At about 10a.m. The Balloon warden asks l am here at Sellers sawing bits of metal of for 35487 . .. time only our clocking in system had crashed me to take some parts to the Fitting Shop, our joint M.D. Captain Morecambe is embarking on a tour of all the Sellers Characters, he enquires about my well-being and I tell him how much we all enjoyed the last day before Christmas.
He encourages me to keep up the good work with my little Luke and beware of the dark forces of The Government who have captured Dipsy and The Tin Shop Pod.
When I arrive at the fitting the Incredible Hulk and Phil Pipe are playing in their Wendy House and of course Captain Beaky enquires if I was late... ''No Ian I wasn't but due to your computer system having crashed you wouldn't know anyway" ''Oh Michael I always find out'' he replies hating every minute of trying to be nice.
Wonderwood says he had a visit from Captain Morecambe who said we have probably lost The Millennium seating order because we cannot compete with robots, we sadly have only one robot at Sellers who goes under the name of The Great One.
''The cubicles in The Progress are the best because they are sound proofed '' says Dipsy after emerging with a sweat on.
So there it is the story I wrote Christmas again but when the day is when over the limit with beer after a weekend that l treated like long and the night is yours alone with alcohol you miss the people you more or less live with, your work mates.
Even Diet Coke Break remarked that the room was spinning when she got home from the Yuletide Celebrations, only problem for me was that the room carried on spinning all Christmas, this is the first time I have written anything in 1999 so 1 hope you youll forgive me if you have not read this far.
I had a very good weekend with Luke, Dominating Becka, Sarah and Laura on Lukes new bike, we cycled down to Mary-Ann's Garden, near The iron Bridge at Bradley and all had a brilliant game of hide and seek... I am 30 this year will I ever grow up? I hope my next story to be a little different, it will be called ''Scientific Evidence For The Divine" I am now preparing it after thankfully finishing Born 2B Wild's Rugby Program JEDI MICHAEL PUBLICATIONS 1999 NX17F 13/1/99 Thank you For Listening!
Me and Au~ie was due to get a lift off Numbnuts because I was put in reserve by a desperate teamCaptain; CAPTAIN XEROX, but little did he know of the days events that were about to occur-
I went to my bank "Yorkshire Bank- The bank that likes to screw you' up" to 'pay my
'loan t~ has now been reduced after rnany letters to just £15 per week from £35 and I heard all this shouting coming from the reception area.
I also said hello to Dominating Donna who also witnessed the scene as Numbnuts was voicing his outrage to a stunned bank clerk about a cash machine that when he used it
had debited his account but failed to deliver the mosey, . .
Aparently I later found out Yorkshire Bank claimed it was not there problem and tried to treat Numbnuts like they treat everybody, just a number and not a person, a mistake made by nearly all these big profit making companies that will eventually lead to their downfall when all their computers go nuts on the tum of the miIlenium.
I did not stay around to watch the full verbal assault but he later told me he was escorted off the premises by security, It is better to sends letter than to deal with the low people who are just the Oilrags .. is my advice, it usually is taken more seriously. The next time I heard early in the afternoon, Numbnutshad had a serious accident while clearing out the guiloteens where a piece of sheet steel had ruptured ail artery, blood was pumping out of his wrist an eyewitness later said.
My Dad, Wonderwood handled the situation perfectly being the Tin Shop medicine man, he found Numbnut's pressure point which he said was not where it was supposed to be but refused to say where it was.
He then called the paramedics realising it was more serious than SBSW Loans thought
who had ordered a Sellers van to take him to the hospital. .'
I visited tae Tin Shop office shortly after the paramedics had arrived to see if he would be bowling tonight, the scene before me gave the answer but I still asked.
There was a huge puddle of blood on the office floor and Wonderwood was holding a part ofNumbnuts anatomy, SBSW Loans was vomiting in the office bin as the two paramedics were preparing their equiptment.
Clearly Numbnuts wouldn't be giving me and Aussiea lift tonight, but my concern was for Numbnut's well-being, but Wonderwood said later he handled the situation with jokes and remained calm- a perfect patient ..
I bope you a speedy recovery ••• We aD waved as be was rusbed in obvious agony to tbehospital ..•.
Captain Xerox said with obvious regret that I would be playing tonight for his Elite team but after my performance I doubt I will get another chance, he said I have arranged for a UFO to pick you and Aussie Up!
At Six Thirty precisely that evening all the lights at my flat started flickering and a low frequency buzzing was heard I was transported somehow into the saucer, I cannot remember exactly how I got there ...
In the driving seat was Captain Xerox and his co-driver did not identify himself but looked like Mr Spook off star-trek, The ship was beutifully aphostered 'and on board was Aussie.
We arrived in a field near OUf venue at Farnley Tyas but out of sight of any intruders and Captain Xerox put on the cloaking shield as we an alighted (except the guy who looked like Mr Speck), the small silver disk speechless at our recent adventure.
It was at this point Captain Xerox said you can put the journey here in your report but no one will believe you, it will just sound silly ..
The Match ...
Captain Xerox put me on first probably to help me forget about my trip here against Kevin Curran who is the intergalactic champion, even his son wiped the floor with the Number I Sellers All-Star- Uncle Col (see later).
I tried to use the Force but it was strangely blocked by my powerful opposition who was a formidable Dark Jedi who made Darth Vader look like a pussy-cat, I tried my
hardest to concentrate but I was defeated 21/2. .
"You was lucky to get two", He said when the match was over, "I do not like my opponents scoring especially rabbits, what are you drinking - you deserve it!" The Defeat mOor Top Sellers All Star Uncle Col ....
It is one up to good old Uncle Col as he struggles against my opponents son Danii Curren, Uncle Col is not so easily beaten I shout as Uncle Col knocks both of his
opponents bowls out making 4 accross. .
Uncle Col bowls one of his off into the gutter, his opponent smirks has he plants his bowl right next to the block, Col responds with his second wood breaking the toucher and he is on by about 7 inches, but his opponent bowls another toucher and it is 4/5 down!
Rambo comes 'up to me as I am watching another end and says "Can you hide me I am in trouble", Rambo is a young hyperactive kid who thinks we are all playing army", one to Col it is 6/8 down ...
A bit better this time Col has he nearly knocks Nmja over with one of his bowls it is 8 accross, a six incher from opponent, Col is struggling, Col knocks block but knocks it wrong and the opponent now has two on and it is 8/10 down.
The opponent Danii seems to have all the odds in his favour has he bowls a fluke giving him another one, Pop is doing little better losing 8/10 but Ninja is winning 9/8 but as measures are called for two to Danii Col is down 9/15 and another bad end gives him 9/17 down.
CAN HE COME BACK OR IS OUR NO.1 SELLERS ALL-STAR BEATEN as the opponent scores another one making it 9/18 down but after a very closely fought end which nearly results in a duel Col is 10/18
The Score is Unde Col 10 D Curren 18 but Col is on, Uncle Col bowls his first wood off the green "Its down-hill this way" I shout sarcastically and his second wood is short as Danii bowls another within inches of the jack ..
"All-but Col" I shout .. .it is 10/20 down and it seems Uncle Col is not invincible in the Intergalactic Elite Team ...
Uncle Col loses 10/21 after his opponent bowls another toucher which Col is unable to strike, missing by inches ..
RESULTS:
SELLERS ELITE WORKS TEAM against FORMIDABLE OPPOSITION •.
And now I find I have Clwt~d My~nd my substitute for love, travelled round th
world looking for a home, I find my selfin crowded rooms feeling two foot small. I Believe Time Goes Faster When you are dare I say it ...
(what was Sir Francis Drake doing there I thought on the way back to my house in Captain Xerox's spaceship with his assistent Mr Spook, Aussie was dropped of in time to watch "Friends" as Madonnas new single Ray Of Light echoed up the street)
Our captain Mystic Mark is three down as I start to write yet another report on the All Stars progress so far, Tonto says keep up the writing, it puts everyone in the mood, but I had toothache and cannot afford to go to the dentists.
Aunty Leanne corrected me about the name of her and Knight Riders baby which she is carrying; if it is a girl she will be called Chelsea after The Knight Riders favourite football team or if it is a boy he will be called Jamie
There seems to have developed a bit of a mix up at one of Mystic Marks end regarding the bias which the jack was bowled, as Aussie walks accross the green at Primrose Hill Liberal club ttJ up at getting another two down.
It is now 7/2 down to mystic mark as his opponent who is taking quite a long time to line up another bowl, Mark looks a bit impatient and he is one of the most patient characters around, Goldenwood is losing 417.
Mystic Mark bowls his best wood all day but it he finally loses the end one down fifteen minunits later after his opponent has wayed up all the trajectories and angles and bowled a stunning toucher it is now 812 down!
It is r~rted that Aussie; who will be present on June 28th, that is next Sunday, for the Singles Annual Friendly Knockout at Farnley Tyas along with Acid Tongue, Aunty Leanne, Mad Mave and Wonderwood; is 15/8 down.
Aussie is fighting in defense as he bowls another saving a two down its 16/8 down, another unlucky end gives him 17/8 down. one down and Peter The Painter cannot stand a pair.
Uncle Col laughs as he is no~ by The Knight Rider that his brother Nesbit cannot be present due to having to complete his community service, but Nesbit is now a Nformed character and as calmed down a lot since he used to knock around with me and Master ~an
The Knight Rider is now on the green scoring 3 twos on the trott with his fiancee Aunty Leanne marking for him, he is now upset that he only obtained a one making it 7/0 up.
I had been throwed into reserve by our Captain at my defeat at the last match, losing 21/2 but I have bought some new woods off Tonto for £30 and will hopefully be back under a new name, Michael Madonna for the next match next week at Almondbury Con to be followed on Sunday with our own
equivelent of The World Cup. ..
The media have promoted this event so much that we will have a whole range of characters taking
part, Joe Pasquali, Dipsy and Laa-Laa from Teletubbie-land, Barny Rubble from The 3rd Bay, Our Photographer and The Master Of THE SENTRY yes THE NOON STRIKER, our superstar Elite Captain, CAPTAIN XEROX and his son.
It takes place on Sunday 28th June, yes this Sunday, Tonunorow if you are reading this at the match at Almondbury. A Buffet will be on with a lovely selection of exquisite sandwiches and trophys will be presented to all f"malists.
The Knight Rider's opponent Peter, tells the Knight Rider that he is a notorious-slow starter as he gets a second one it is now 8/2.
Mystic Mark our captain is informed that if he wnts to go out tonight he should go home and fetch is shaving tackle as his opponent lines up for another shot, Mystic Mark bowls many good woods for nowt as his opponent works out trajectories, angles, speeds, and even spin to beat-them. Its 14/4 down.
You Can Call Me Al is 4/10 down but gets a one. . .
The Knight Rider is 9 accross, what happened here, Mystic Mark is still suffering slow agony and cant stand a pair as its 19/4 down, The Knight Rider has regained the.jack and is 12/9 up after a
narrow strike from the battling opposition. .
All But to Mystic Mark who has been on the green since the creation of the universe as The Knight Riders opponent hits is blocker that is somehow stuck in the middle of the green its 15/12 up, You Can Call Me Al is 11110 up!
All But six down to Mystic Mark, his opponents marker has grown a beard, A Mystic Mark who has lost communications with The West, being situated in the East Sellers wing, checkpoint charlie has sprung up in between.
Me and Born-2B-Wilde who work in the Progress have all works passes, orders for this division was made by Big Brother and put into practise by Sir Thomas Noon, of Tommy Noon Timbers PLC, It has resulted with a Sentry being placed outside the Fitting Shop Bogs.
Our captain is finaly off losing 2116 and he admitted "I made a bugger of that" now come on Mark thats swearing, Father Christmas is 7/10 down and The Knight Rider is hanging in there at 18/17 up. The Knight Rider is now 20/17 up, after an excellent bowl by the opposition he gets a one down but on the next end The Knight Rider turns over and responds with a superb toucher winning 21/18.
A round of aplause went up from home camp as Mad Mave gave consulations at is defeat we all informed her that he had in fact won, our only winner then so far ....
It is annouced that the bar is closing and Wonderwood, my dad, offered to buy me a pint, I nearly fainted, he said you haven't had anything else to drink, no I lied.
It is 17/14 up to Father Christmas as Princess Becka (Angelica or Stupid Spice HaaHaa (Hophead)) helps Bart Simpson, my son, down the steps.
The victorious Knight Rider is marking for The Milky Bar Kid where he finds on the flipside of the card his own card marked by Aunty Leanne, Aunty Leanne runs off with the card and The Knight Rider who has nicked my pen to stop me reporting is reduced to marking on a scrap of paper as Mystic Mark comes back and sorts it.
The Legendary "Sourceror", Nesbit and The Knight Riders dad appeared and disappeared because the bar wasn't open and I got more severe toothache and had to take a break from reporting
Uncle Colin The Grand Finale
Its all down hill as Col sails through
Well done Garden The opponents shout as Col takes too much out Its inside it depends on length as its 2 down its seventeen twelve Well Bowled garden, BOOWLEED COL one to col its 18/13
Is there something wrong with me or my woods I ask Father Christmas
Good Bowl Garden COI is too short this time Oh No its two down
All But 13 CoLwell bowled Col but he is beaten by the opponent
A round of applause is echoed around the green as the match concludes With a friendly chat and a shake of hands
Both opponents laughing merrily with open minds
Aunty Leanne vs Mad Mave
Well bowled Battyeford Wonderwood shouts to his wife who makes it one accross, it is Aunty Leanne's practise session, our two newest contenders along with Barts Mum, Acid Tongue who wants to be renamed "Pud".
Mad Mave uses one of Leanne's wingers to gain another as Mystic Mark tells Wonderwood that the handbag suits him, Well done grandma Princess Becka shouts its 4/2 to Mave.
"This has made it somehow" Wonderwood remarks as a turnip bowl comes to rest near the Jack, Aunty Leanne responds with temper induced bowls which go crashing into th~ gutter its 2/6.
It is now 3/7 as Aunty Leanne carries her bowl to score another because all the rest' were in the gutter, but they are both playing along with Pud on June 28th and Bart and Princess Becka will be our mascot.
Mave managed to keep a bowl on! as Aunty Leanne gets on a run its 7/3, 7/4 then 7/5 to Mave then
Mave gets a point without having to bowl it cos they are all in the gutter again its 8/5.
Then Leanne starts bowling to town and Mad Mave wins 11/5
THE KNIGHT RIDER vs NESBIT vs MICHAEL MADONNA
RESULTED IN THE KNIGHT RIDER WINNING 21, NESBIT 20 and MICHAEL MADONNA managed 11, and both nesbit and The Knight Rider said my skills with the new bowls were surprising so if I get another chance I am relaunching myself.
JUNE 28TH IS THE SELLERS INDIVIDUAL ,KNOCKOUT AT FARNLEY TYAS BOWLING CLUB. '
MEET THE ALL STARS AND MEET THE REST OF THE CHARACTERS FROM SELLERS WORLD WHO'S POOL TEAM HAS JUST GONE INTO THE PREMIER DIVISION, ASK JOE PASQUALI
WHO IS A PLAYER IN THE WINNING TEAM AND HAS DECIDED TO JOIN US HAVING A GOOD DAY OUT.
MEET BART SIMPSON AND HIS MUM PUD WHO HAS BEEN GIVEN PERMISION TO PLAY BY HER BOYFRIEND ZOOMING
JASON.
THERE WILL BE A TELETUBBIE REUNION AS LAA LAA AND
DIPSY PLAY AGAINST THEIR OLD LEADER PETER THE PAINTER.
WE ALSO HOPE THE INJURED NUMBNUTS WILL SHOW AN
APPEARANCE INSTEAD OF SITTING AT HOME FEELING DEPRESSED.
DONT FORGET WONDERWOOD AND HIS WIFE, MA VE, MY MUM AND DAD ARE ALSO TAKING PART AND SO HIS THERE
DOG JUDY
SUNDAY JUNE 28TH AT FARNLEY TYAS DO NOT MISS IT!! BY ORDER OF SIR TOMMY NOON AND THE SENTRY AT CHECKPOINT CHARLIE WHO WILL ALSO BE THERE!!!
I have just got home Monday night how can it be that the wind and rain is against you on the way to
work and the way home? anyway .. Magic Man says... v
''A guy went into a shoe shop with 2 left feet, the assistant says' can 1 help you sir?' , Can 1 have a pair offlop flops' "
Magic man loves being at Sellers thinks sex is something you carry taties in says ..
"There are two ships one carrying blue paint and another carrying red paint and one crashed into the other and all the passengers were marooned"
Captain Cack catches my attention with a survey done in one of his magazines so I do a survey of The Sellers workforce and find that 99% of us hear voices in our head and the remaining one percent who does not hear them is The Great One himself could he be God?
Born 2B Wild is getting a bit adventurous in his old age, he is taking a 1 1/2 tonne Weird & Wobbly blade stock into bay one he shouts to the round of applause "Hey I'll be doing bungee jumps and parachute jumps next"
Dipsy who admits to "occasionally seeing aeroplanes flying around in Teletubbie land" says ..
"Live at the early learning centre and the failed fitter is brainwashing all our hypnotised brown smocks with a parable .. The first temptation of Jesus when he came to Sellers is to remain at the level of the animal self, to use ones powers for purely economic and material ends. If thou be the son of God says Satan, comllllJfld these castings to turn to be made bread, Jesus replies "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God"
He insists here that human being have spirit I heeds that must never be prostituted to the mere satisfaction of our ego. The next t iptation ~ :J!I/Io with power and not just political power either,
Satan takes Jesus up on to Mancbes R s him all the depcfJments of The Sellers
kingdom .. if Christ will bow down and all this will be his, Christ answers "Get thee
behind me Satan and for him it is 'wr' lt worship the Lord, thy God and him only shalt
thy serve. The will to power is not at belongs to leaders in all walks of life. We are all
tempted to seek power in personal rela i ,fn oar daily work or in search of recognition.
The person seeking to be "alive" and tp be uman being must struggle to worship that is put
ultimate value on the energies and numinotis presence we call God
The final temptation and the Devil titkes Jesus up to the roof of the fitting shop and says, "If thou be the Son Of God cast thyself down fi/om hence, for it is written he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee" This temptation is to think one is so spiritual, so called to the higher life, that one can defy ones basic animal natur¢ and live on another plane altogether.
This is great teaching from lIII~greatest tea .... chers not to dis ... e. ngage front natural life and law but, at
the same time not to become b d to the world of sensory fact .... "
The drug squad at Nigeria Ai where The Great One was supposed to bring me some tribal
artefacts went up to the Great On and asked ~ if he had any drugs after a firm negative they asked
slyly "Do you need any". '
The Tobacco mans collective input is that Wonderwood looks likQ psycho when he stares out of that office door looking for his long lost son, The Tin Shop Poet, and Till Snips has fallen in love with
Mystic has she hurries to her car registered UOK he months the words "She looks lovely who is she" Jesus Christ Super Star, if you are happy and you know it clap your hands, has been voted by the
Sellers Shop floor, Sellers most miserable character by far, 99% was for him and just Oasis voted e other way saying that he respected the guy.
At Sellers we also have Chi Chi the panda who used to be known has Roberta but got into dim seemiRgly reveals Aussie ..
At least this Friday Dinner there wasn't that tramp sat next to the post office cash machine
you feel guilty but there is a guy over dramatising some cheap TV's.
I have handed over my fortune of £35,000 on my death to my seed for the next generation. an Capt. Morecambe says he will get it even if I commit suicide indirectly.
The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Centre, #2 Town fan, second only to Poe who devJes is entire
self existence to there matches- wants to tell us all a joke ... what he heard on the radio». :, /
"At a hospital in Wakefield night care workers for the elderly give their antiquatedsnale ests / !
horlicks spiked with whisky to make them sleep and a viagra to stop them falling tltl! of bed" ~•
Oh my god it is flatline on the EEG he is brain dead sir. ... The Balloon Warden is connected to a EEG in some hospital somewhere and the line is totally flat... ''I am a Sellers brown smock and it normal for us not to have much brain activity" reveals The Balloon Warden to the worried looking Doctors and Nurses, he takes the machine off.his head and leaves the hospital.
Dwain Dibbly says "Alright Mick" in his highly elevated position to which I reply "No I have just found out I will be better off dead" Aussie says "He wants his brush and shovel calibrating"
Cuz Wally the John Ketley of Sellers says "Why are you so content to push a brufh around Sellers all
your life" .
I Reply ''It is a politically justified reaction of the collective consciousness of Sellers to relate to me doing this particular operation with regards to the Sellers Vehicle"
"Surely you must realise Michael that when you came into interviews skipping and saying I work at Sellers you should realise that you wasn't successful"
Michael show some intuitive and ask Beaky for a more challenging routine but he would say how about to get to work on time .... "
I am now at Hop-heads and Dominating Donnas house and throughout Bohemian Rhapsody it was revealed by Dominating Donna how she wiggled her arse and fell asleep in front of our Jedi Master. "One night this idiot you all call Jedi Michael stayed at my house and in the middle of the night woke up feeling sick, he filled a couple of nearby pint glasses and then running out obviously of things to be sick in spewed on my carpet before disappearing with my jeans cos he had pissed himself' Reveals (Thanks) Hophead a piece of my neglected past.
I gave Pod the CD2 of "Nothing Really Matterss" for damaging her George Michael's greatest hits; "Ladies & Gentlemen" whilst trying to tape it. • Madonna's new single which entered at #7
"Say you love me again I do miss the people I got used to" .... but, Pod is bored sick of this stupid folder that her sister Dominatinj,Ponna is showing her ....
"You ARE A SENSmLE LUNATIC shouts Hophead much to everyones astonishment "You
remember everything Michael, that is your gift I just leave stuff hanging in the branches of my brain" I am going to zip it all up says zippy oops sorry Pod, Listen I have been forced to say ... I am not very good at being a dad, I DO NOT DISCIPliNE MY BOY THEREFORE I AM SMACKED"
''I Like my daddy cos he makes me choke" reveals Becky as I leave Hopheads.
Rigsby Amway has kindly volunteered to put all these stories on a web site
Ettie Wainthropp says "Can you shed any light on these handrails that keep travelling around with Sophie" and it has been snowing ...
Ettie Wainthropp is organising a march to support the pound and wants to know if anybody is interested in joining him he feels very strongly that the pound should not be taken away from the British people {If you are interested call 224 lor 2242 and ask for Kev},
Hamster Spring A Leak has sprung a leak from Sellers to start his own fish n chip shop in Scarborough. Dipsy reveals that Beaky, Wise & Morecambe are the three musketeers and Diet Coke Break. Lady Laughter and Madam Mary are bannanarama ...
I have just followed Dipsy into the machine shop toilets and it seems this is the point where he needs a little privacy' I am writing to the Press Complaints Commission ever since the tele tubbies had some success on TV the Sellers Press has been hounding us, do you all know that Poe has gone to meet his relatives in Poland'
It is finally Saturday afternoon and the weather his unsettled but dry {For Cuz Wally} Me, Luke, Dominating Becka and Judy, my mums depressed dog are setting off on a walk to witches wood and we are followed by one of the estates many stray dogs but this one we have named Pepper.
As we walk along Lower Quarry Road we are surprised to see tree felling in operation on the neglected Bradley Wood Branch Line which is re-opening late next year.
The men shedding the trees say there will be a station built at Brighouse and you will be able to get a train direct to Halifax from Huddersfield.
We all amble along Lower Quarry Road and left at the old farm on to the old farm track which crosses this railway and Becky says that on the rare occasion when her daddy, Forest takes her for walks, he takes her miles away where there is no noise and no people.
As we walk on the black track past Mary Ann's Garden, "The Man From The YEB" as we all call him is walking the other way with his very intelligent dog. He tells us that his dog went to the vets by itself when it hurt its foot on a second occasion, it remembered where the place was from a previous visit back in 1993. The dog it turns out, had apparently waited outside until the vet arrived and when they opened up it hobbled in and lifted up its injured paw and waited patiently for treatment, Dominating Becka is trying to feed our stray follower, Pepper some cherryade when we reach the end of the black track and descend some stone steps to the canal.
A brief walk on the Calder & Hebble navigation and we side-track into creepy witches wood, Becky and Luke are father and Daughter this week "Are we making a good story" enquires Becka, "We are collecting some wood for our house".
The Jedi Master arrives from nowhere, it seems his Mrs, Cleopatra wants a cig pretty desperate, we share a Daadoo rail and his lordship invites us all back to his house to watch his' new Spice Girls video when we finish whatever it is we are doing here, he leaves pursued by the stray dog who had become bored of being beck's lion.
A Hamster beat Zooming Jason up, it is revealed by Luke however Jason came back to life and chased the Hamster away. Becka says "1 spy with my little eye something beginning with 'h' It, Iter, er hair", "no horse", " ... but Becky there are no horses here", 'yes but, we saw Bobby on the way here cos he tried to kick me" Silly me I should of thought about past events as well because a child thinks strange. "errrr boobies, err " shouts Luke to The Spice Girls video which Dominating Becka is very much enjoying, having missed it last week because she stayed with her Pink Grand-parents.
"My Pink Grandma gave me some Oranges and 1 don't like them, they buy them from a nasty shop and its got a picture of a hamster on it, 1 eat them at my Grandmas and they taste nasty" says Becka indignantly pausing so that I write down every word.
It is now Saturday night and Me, Luke, Pointed Sarah and The Jedi Master are here at my flat, The washing machine is definitely leaking Jnd has just fused all the plug sockets and the stereo which was playing "Knowing Me Knowing You" by Abba has fallen silent to reveal a mad banging sound on a neighbours door.
We all rush out into the cold wet air and find a big hole in the bottom panel ofMr C's door. Hophead and Dominating Donna arrive to visU.e at this point and The Jedi Master uses Hop-heads mobile phone to call the police. The Police arrive after half a hour and started questioning Pip and his mate who had come to see what all the commotion was about.
Hophead says "You are a hill-Billy with a big nose, you don't have a beer and talk to people from News At Ten in your dreams ... this is not normal behaviour Michael".
Mr C my neighbour who was last night robbed says "They are right b *stards, those who robbed him and they all piss in the same pot" it is Sunday morning and my neighbour has just discovered the attempted burglary.
I am now at Bradley Wreck {A Bradley term for the park} and Luke his riding his bike called Christine and I am chatting to Steptoes mum about her line dancing with June down at Bradley Working Mans Club which has very few residential members.
Luke thinks Steptoes mum is Alright but his mummy is stupid but. he is going to be good for his mummy this week so that he can see his daddy on Wednesday.
Wonderwood my daddy says that he might be purposefully naughty so he does not have to visit his Silly Daddy, we are having-Sunday Dinner at my Parents house and Forest who my mum says is "A lot better" is making "cooing" noises in the comer.
Me and The Jedi Master went for our exercise on our mountain bikes and enjoyed a Daadoo rail and a beer at Luke's broken down house on the black track before he meets Cleopatra and the next thing I know I am back in the dungeons of Sellers.
I am asked many times by a whole variety of character where my weekend edition was, well after a visit to Yorkshire Bank for a poorly Octopus with Hamster Spring A Leak to fund this venture here; it is the latest edition of my life in "quotes".
And another week and another "Grab A Granny" see The Adventures Of David Beckham for details. NEXT "My Experience Of Life In Amway" PXR 7 F
STOP PRESS: New Automatic washer up for grabs to anyone who supplies evidence leading to the conviction of the culprit(s) who left The Yellow Electric truck out over the weekend which Dipsy likes driving into walls.
The new name official name for the Weird & Wobbly was revealed today by Fast & Wobbly to be Horizon Excel and he says it will be better for business ifwe refer to it by this name from now on and The Chapel Hill Salesman receives the prize, a night out with Mystic for his suggestion.
Written By Luke, The Jedi Master, Aussie, Dipsy
Produced By Jedi Michael
Directed By The Jedi Master
The NZR 29 F Written 7/3/99 & 8/3/99 for Jedi Michael Publications 1999 ••
For other titles by MAD MICK phone 01484 Bye. ••••• Love You ALL!!!
Yes, the bowling season starts again next week so I wid have redesign and retlunk my newsletters to incorporate it so you lot at Sellers can now rest easy and relax what you all say. .
I do not really know if you have all enjoyed the last 35 stories I have written about activities a!><>ut the works but, those who didn't can breath a sigh of relief until October when the bowling season finishes that is if the world does not end as predicted by Cuz Wally on the last day of September.
I am now sat in the Progress, The Hub Of Sellers, awaiting the club opening before we all venture from there further afield to The Ship at Paddock.
A very noticeable synchronoustic event occurred in my life today; when I went to pick the hardened parts up at Holts, Halifax, Eric The Viking was also there collecting his hardened parts at exactly the same time and if that wasn't enough we both had earlier before Easter dropped them off at exactly the
same time ... Eric says to me. ,
"What are the chances of thatcoincidence, 1 bet even Chiefy.could not give the odds on it"
to which I reply "Maybe it is fate and I am meant to come with you to Alderan to learn the ways of The Morris Dancers", He introduces me to that "Dumpling Guy" who works there ...
"This is Sellers Author", "Oh yes Eric" replies The Dumpling Guy "I have heard about him, so this is the infamous Mad Mick" and for the first time in my life I was asked for my autograph (I signed the receipt notes for the items I had just picked up).
I am now an official member of Bradley's notorious "Shop Front Crew" after an attempt to mug me Sunday night resulted in a Clan leader giving me respect by putting our fists together and exclaiming "Word". I stuck up for myself despite being hopelessly outnumbered.
"Don't bother playing up town yet Mick for money" advises Captain Cack when we are in the confines of the warm and friendly Sellers Social Club, The Village People arrive complete with Indian headress and all ready to perform their ancient hit single "YMCA" for Captain Morecambe's birthday but all us Poole players are set to go populate The. Ship for an away match.
Mystic arrives so I go to apolo&ise for Hamster Spring A Leaks comments in an earlier newsletter, she says"Michael I am not engaglfl yet .... " well neither am I.
I arrive at The Ship pub and Captain Cack thinks my Atomic Mountain bike must have an engine fitted for me to get there so quickly, Dipsy who lives with his wife in a nearby old peoples home escorts me to hide my dilapidated Atomic mountain bike behind his dustbin
J Skidmonk vs Captain Cack
Cack has seven reds and our opponent has five yellows, Cack pots one red but then ballsup and nudges the queue ball, it is two goes to our positive opponent. Cack is severely lacking the support of his fellow team members, two yellows left to six of Cacks reds and still his mates abandon him. There is one yellow remaining and the air is heavy with tension has Cack misses yet another red but luckily our nervous opponent misses everything because he has just realised there is a strange looking guy in the room writing everything down.
Cack makes use of his opponents nervousness and pots four of his reds in succession and Cack has just two remaining has the opponent comes to terms with the situation and finishes the game by potting the remaining yellow ball and the black.
C Haude vs Follickly Challenged
Off the break our opponent pots one red but then misses realising the intensity of being in the spotlight, our fellow employee Follickly Challenged manages to pot two on the trot and we have just five balls remaining and it remains that way until the end of the game ... another defeat.
David Beckham vs M Nestor
Dipsy comes to watch the match as David pots one of his yellows victoriously but sadly the queue ball also disappears down one of the holes so his jubilance is short lived "and a second visit to play it's 6/6 and its David" comments one of the opposition who finds my presence most amusing.
David subsequently misses but so does the opponent.
The opponent pots a red but somehow fouls with the white so David uses his first visit to pot another red but accidentally snooker's himself which he uses his remaining visits to somehow get out of.
We have six of our Yellows to just four of the opponents reds and this number quickly diminishes to one before David wakes up again, our opponent his struck by a fit of coughing and David realises
once again that he is playing Poole so he pots a red and then another... «
sadly he goes back to dream land and we loose with four of our balls sat on the table.
I have just been to visit the Urinals and return to find both Follickly Challenged and Captain Cack having an attempt to defeat M Nestor and Mr Skidpan I mean Skidmonk ..
We are winning four Yellows to the opponents seven reds but sadly my presence yet again makes things deteriorate, Cack is again alive with the dark si<F of the force and our bails have been reduced to one against our opponents four but Follickly Challenged now snookered gives a\Vaya foul shot and
its two visits again.by our opponents. .
Using up his second visit he manages to pot the black and we have lost it is 4-0 so far .. oh dear! Oh my god its Captain Xerox Junior Vs B Davies. •••
It is 7 bails each and the opponents are falling asleep in their droves as Captain Xerox Junior prepares to make another shot... .. this is the most boring match I have ever watched, I am falling asleep listening to Dipsy many minutes later it is 6/7 to them ... yawn ....
Captain Xerox Jnr is like a pigeon says Dipsy as he sizes up another shot.. Please help me it is-still only 6/6 many hours later and they say time goes faster when you're high!!!! "You ought to o
