I live smack bang in the middle of Bradley estate in a downstairs flat, about 50 yards up Keldregate .from the Little John Pub, where all the Tenents Super-strength Shop Front Crew hang out, filling their day calling each other "B" or exchanging the touching of fists and exclaiming "Word".
At night when I get home from a hard day at Sellers, I sometimes manage to sneak in my back door before the bored, young and mindless Bradley Youths ask me for one of my valued ciggies a major form of currency round Bradley where the majority of smokers are too young to buy them, indeed even the trick or treaters ask for cigs not money ..
In the safety of my little flat I meditate upon the days events as I look out of the window into the cold November rain, I have just had a letter from Yorkshire Banks manager saying by an act of goodwill he is giving me back that £27.50 that he nicked from my account. ..
I can go out and do a tour of the place I live ....
Mos-ehops lives in the flat above mine and by an act of pure generosity she allows her shed to be used by some of the local youths, who seem to be incessantly filling their lighters judging by the number of spent canisters oflighter fuel in there.
Immediately up the road from my house lives old Vera, who feeds all the Bradley communities stray dogs, sometimes up to eight mongrels are camped outside during the day I observe when I manage to get out in the Sellers vans, but tonight there are just three.
Leaving my immediate neighbourhood I walk about fifty yards up Keldregate, Hi Mick.. All right Mick got any cigs ... No I have given up I lie .. I have lived in Bradley nearly all my 29 years of existence on this planet and feel like I know everybody, I start my journey of nostalgia visiting the sites of Bradley.
Leaving Keldregate I bear to the right up Alandale Road, noticing "The Milk-man" delivering various assortments of drugs to one of his regular customers ... besides Milk the Bradley Milkman can offer you "eggs" (ecstasy), "Potatoes" (Pot) or even "Coke" (obvious); but, not being reliant on such chemical means of getting a "high" I steer clear.
I have a natural high caused by working in a soap opera called Sellers to keep up my psychological well being and do not need to resort to artificial substitutes to living a life. We don't have such things as washing lines on the Bradley estate, if you were daring enough to put your washing on a washing line you would return back home from work to find all the
locals wearing your few clothes.
I continue my ascent up the steep hill called Alandale Road which has its summit at the side of The Badger pub where it meats Bradley Road.
About a hundred yards off the summit I drop in to visit my mate called Hop-head or sometimes The Sorcerer, since he has a split Jaquel and Hyde personality which I think depends on how
many cans of super-strength lager he has consumed. '
The Hop-head personality is very jovial, talkative and full of life whereas The Sorcerer personality is far superior but it is very difficult to get to know, if ever the door does open, he is full of words of wisdom and ignore the advice at your peril ...
The Sorcerer often cannot remember what The Hop-head part of the personality has said or
promised the night before and vice versa. .
His partner through this incarnation .. so far. " is called Dominating Donna and is also the mother of Dominating Becka whose father is Forest Gump, my brother,
Hop-head / The Sorcerer and Dominating Donna also have a son of their own called My Boy. Cory who will be two years of age in December and is very attached to his dad who has the role of house wife and the job of looking after the kids.
Dominating Donna works as an lWI!ft dresser at Briers on Cross Church Street, Huddersfield and has just qualified from trainee status, she is well known for her often explosive temper and her extreme mood swings.
Leaving their house by the front door which is very distinctive in having a piece of timber where a window once was long ago I head up towards the summit of Alandale road ..
At the top of Alandale road I tum right down Bradley Road towards my mum (Battyeford Lill and logically called Pink Grandmas by Becka) and dads- Wonderwood house which is situated halfway down before Bradley road meets back up with Keldregate (where I live).
It is here where nostalgia of my past really hits hard .. , When I was a lot younger my parents house felt like heaven, we had fields past the back garden and in the distance Kirklees wood and Harts head could be seen, the view was spectacular.
Me and my brother would playa game based loosely on real life called "Grenton" in those days ... when the sky was always blue and the sun always shining ...
The house below belonged to a very kind lady called Vera Wallace who's grand-daughter would visit regularly and we would all play happily together making stamps and planting stickers all over the countryside.
The house above was owned by an old and very eccentric old lady called Mrs. Wade who would tell us all sorts of chilling stories about the ghosts she encountered living in an ancient eighteenth century house, the second oldest in Bradley, the oldest is dated 1751 on Oak Rd. However, all that has now gone ... my mums house is now filled with sadness and despair, even their dog Judy suffers from depression, Barrat houses dominate the once spectacular view out of the back window, Mrs Wades house is still there but in no way like the way we remember it. My brother Forest lives permanently in the tiny box room, a part ofhim has died and the rest is twisted by too many upheavals ..
We quickly leave and heading down Bradley road notice what is left of "The Lodge" containing my sons nursery and a place we would play for hours when we were young, it is now built on with yet more new houses.
Continuing our adventure right down to the bottom of Bradley Road we find The White Cross pub, which was once full of life on a night but due to endlessly increasing prices is now empty and lifeless.
Two houses further down and here lives a good friend of mine - The Jedi Master who co-habits with his fiancee Cleopatra ...
Me and The Jedi Master often go on local cycle rides to the more rural, little visited parts of Bradley such as "Witches Wood" near Brighouse and "Echo Beach" and have a couple of beers while discussing the past and a rather uncertain future.'
Here I have learned how to use the Force, an energy field that surrounds all living things .. The force surrounds each and every one of us. Some men believe it directs our actions, and not the other way around. Knowledge of the force and how to manipulate it is what gives the Jedi his special powers The Jedi Master teaches ...
Underneath The Jedi Masters house runs the old disused railway line, part of one of the walks frequently ventured by myself, my son Luke, Dominating Becka and my parents twelve year old depressed dog called Judy.
I head down past the Jedi Masters house and have a quick mischievous knock on Space-mans door. Space man lives with his gran, called Frazzle and his dad The Space Warrior, both Space man and The Space Warrior have never been seen sober. They live purely on strong cider and are victims of many of The Jedi Masters practical jokes.
Down towards the 24 hour garage on Leeds Road I continue and tum left on to a road referred locally as the blue road which terminates at the ICI tip but was once the main road to Brighouse, however I only walk as far as a local track which heads off into The Jungle.
Me, Luke and Becky used to have many adventures in the Jungle, when they were younger, now-a-days they don't believe in Hamster Spring-A-Leak so readily, perhaps they are surpassing my menta~e?
I have built a rope swing near the centre of the jungle and nearby is a den for when it rains, made from plastic sheeting .. It is here in the jungle where my true home in Bradley really lies, I look up at the thousands of stars visible in the night sky and wonder about life ..
I hug my favourite tree and wish Luke was here to keep me company, The Jungle is a tiny island of peace in a very crazy village called Bradley perched at the conjunction of 'ley' lines, lines of the earth's ancient energy field known to our ancestors.
I leave the quiet of The Jungle up the track and back on to Bradley road, I call in at Alum's newsagent for a beer and he tells me that the new Star Wars movie is called Balance Of The Force.
I walk on Oak Road and can see the beautiful blonde haired Alex in the park with her friends and Pip who shout my name in acknowledgement, I wave back. ..
I used to live on this road a very long time ago with Acid Tongue as she was known then, it was on this very road in our Back to Back house where Luke was born three months premature. Acid Tongue has since grown up into Pud and had another son to Zooming Jason called Ben after Ben Kanoebi from star wars, she has also left Bradley and moved to Deighton. You can leave Bradley like the Sorcerer says in one of his rare words of wisdom but Bradley never leaves you ...
I head back up through the snicket and rejoin Keldregate, the cold November night keeps most of the residents indoors, but I amble on to get back to my refuge ...
As I pass White Grandmas, Mr Muscles his stood at the gate waiting for me. Mr Muscles is the youngest son of White Grandma who lives with her husband The Meter maid, White Grandma is also the mother of Pud, Dominating Donna and Aunty Leanne.
When I started sneaking off with Pud many moons ago White Grandma once chased me up the road with a potato peeler probably because her daughter was only 14 at the time and I was twenty one.
Mr Muscles has written out his latest story and wants me to type it out on my computer, finally I bid him good-bye and retreat back to my nice warm flat.
Life in Bradley is not easy but there is always somebody there when you need somebody to talk to, compared to some other places I have seen such has Fartown where everybody lives behind closed doors this is a blessing.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all my Bradley friends but particularly I want to thank Hop-head and The Jedi Master for being there for me in those hard times of the past when I was losing it and finally Pud for keeping up an hard friendship and allowing me the opportunity to see my son
THANK YOU ALL
JEDI MICHAEL (MAD MICK PRODUCTIONS 1998 code BZIF)
I awoke with Bart Simpson to celebrate another day of my life, as Hop-head tells me every time I see him ''Every day should be enjoyed to the full" He has even pulled Dominating Donna out of a powerful form of depression that could of consumed her. On awaking Me and Bart cleaned the flat of the drunken debris of the night before, Luke was doing the washing up and I was vacuuming the room when Saz and Laz arrived to play with Bart, Saz is Hop-head's late sisters wife who has passed spirit.
Saz decided to entertain Bart by decorating his den this was proceeded to a trip to Bhullars on both bikes of mine to collect some white spirit to clean Saz's hands and me some beers.
Saz has now painted Bart's Place a bright orange much to the amusement of Mos-chops my nearest neighbor.
Dominating Donna and Hop-Head arrived at my house during our trip to Bhullars as we had arranged on seeing I was not in they closed the back window and went down to The Bradfey Megaphones house to collect her gradson their son My Boy Cory.
I was using cannabis to keep my brain in record mode and sat in the audience can make me seem to act strange...but I act strange anyway so usually no-body notices..
We had arranged the previous two nights that we were to go shopping on Old Bessie my Motorbike and Trailer so they set off with Bart, Princess Becka, My Boy and Themselves to their house up Alandale and I set off on "Free" my mountain bike with seat on back to my mums where old Bessie was kept..
Then with a roar Old Bessie and Me shot up the Bradley road to Hop-head's house. where Hop-head alighted en route to Asda for a savoy cabbage and a cooked chicken for afternoon dinner which Dominating Donna had promised to cook on our return..
Hophead managed the shopping task by way of pure habit exhibiting his powerful sober social skills then it was off to Bhullars for his favourite shopping the beer.
He pursuaded me to buy another eight -pack while he sung ''Jimmy Jimmy'' in the shop and bought his-self twelves the shop owner thought I had just drunk the previous eight cans plus a bottle of white spirit regarded me with awe.
I dropped off the merchandise plus Hop-head at his house as Dominating Donna was exchanging gossip with JoeJoe; Bart, Princess Becka, and My Boy were playing in the back garden with a few small arguments...
I took OId Bessie back to his quarters picking up a couple of cans of super en-route, on return to my mums Wonderwood enquired wether I bad remembered his brush he had purchased yesterday and left at my house, as I left on my mountain bike, I apologised for forgetting it.
But Papa dont preach about these superstregths l've made up my mind that I'm going to get pissed up and daddy daddy if only you could see what a good time we are going to see..
I arrived at Hop-heads house on Free and Bart shouted me from the garden that Princess Becka would not let him play with her bike, Hop-Head and Dominating Donna were inside enjoying the warmed up left overs of the previous nights curry.
When I entered they offered the rest to me which Me, Bart and Princess Becka gladly tucked into somewhat clumisily, upon finishing me and Hop-head followed by thc kids proceeded into the Garden as Dominating Donna watched car racing on TV.
I gave Hop-Head a can of super hc could not resist and wry soon we had both cracked them open in the spring heat, Bart and Becka were arguing about Beckas bike as My Boy played with his football.
Hop-Head said we are nearly thirty but I don't feel any different to when we used to visit the nightlife back in 1988. there is one thing of growing old we do not feel any different, we are still a child but saturated in disappointments we grow wearry..
....I thought as I watched Bart, Becka and My Boy play on the little slide in their garden I am now regarded as an adult with certain social expectations that conflict with my instinct, I have got to be boring..
Madonna sung in ''Wheres The Party'' about the value of enjoying time in the present so I tried to do this as Dominating Donna arrived after putting on the cabbage, My Boy seemed to regard me with amusement.
Hops told me it was now nearly 11 years since his brothers accident on his race tuned motorcycle and 8 years since his sisters death and these events have left him wise to the art of living and he love to enjoy a good beer session while you still can.
While Dominating Donna prepared the dinner many beers later Acid Tougue arrived to check up on the Party and her son Bart Simpson, she played with My Boy and gave Bart and Becka a cuddle.
She has said previously she has lost a lot of confidence with people she doesn't know but since she has met Zooming Jason she has gained a lot of confidence in those she does know I thought as she played with the kids..
Princess Becka told her Aunty that Bart had bad some beer and had hit her with a bike, and Dominating Donna told her of the accidental shot I had taken with the football that had hit Bart in the face......Sorry Bart...
We discussed as always my brother Forest who has lost his scent in life, we discussed the value of living in the present and not in the past and Me and Hop agreed we have perfect representations in My Boy and Bart to represent ourselves in the future...
I traded fame for love without a second thought it all became a silly game some things can not be bought I got exactly what I wanted....And now I find I have changed my mind.. I thought about my past and my trade for love to fame....
Here I am at 5:30 in the morning the sun is rising over the place where I nearly lost my life this bank holiday morning and I am all alone with my memory as a guide...
Dominating Donna told Acid Tougue to come back after Bart had had his dinner at about 6 p.m., Acid Tougue then promptly left and Princess Becka, Bart and My Boy all burst into tears because she had not given them a cuddle...
The dinner made by Dominating Donna was absolutely lovely. Garlic Chicken, cabbage, peas Gravy, Cauliflower and Carrots, it was consumed by myself in record time, even Bart and Becka admitted they had enjoyed the dinner, but strangely Dominating Donna and Hops left a lot of theirs.
Back to the garden for another beer everybody went....the charts were now reaching their climax ms Acid Tougue reappeared in one of Me, Hops and Dominating Donnas deep philosophical discussions.
I told Acid Tougue to drop Bart off Four tommorow after I had cut my garden I would have him Monday night and Tuesday night all being well, I do love my son and I think he is being brought up in the best of two worlds..
Two worlds that cannot be joined because they art so different but I still try because if Two do Become One the world will be a better place for everyone, Bradley in Huddersfield is one of the places on advanced social change to make way for a whole new society itself being situated on the ley lines, ancient lines of psychic energy in the very fabric of the planet itself.
As here in Hops garden we are all one collective consiousness enjoying ourselves as Acid Tongue does the movements of this collective unit dancing round the garden with Bart, Princess Becka and My Boy who feed eagerly on the energy.
I thank Dominating Donna and Hop Head for a brilliant afternoon and a lovely dinner, and I thank my son Bart, my niece Princess Becka and My Boy for letting me see my lost childhood again, I also thank Acid Tongue for giving mc the courage to see forward..
As Madonna says ''isn't everyone traveling down there own road watching the signs as they go
Early in my infants school I made a friend who has stuck by me throughout this incarnation, he was previously known as Hophead due to his strong desire for lager but now finally requests a more majestic title to see him into the new millennium; The Jedi Master Mace Windu has been suggested by the spirit world, namely Dripping Tap.
Mace Windu took over the role of cohabiting with Dominating Donna after my brother suffered a nervous breakdown after conceiving a child called Princess Becka and now has a child of his own to Dominating Donna called My Boy Cory ..
Dominating Donna is also Luke's Mum's Sister named previously as "Acid Tongue" then "Pud" and now finally "Queen Amidala", she has two sons; one called Luke Skywalker to Mad Mick another called Obi Wan Kenobi and she is six months pregnant to a third child, a daughter to Zooming Jason called Princess Lea who will be popping out in another 3 months.
I have today, Sunday 30th May 1999 been invited to Mace Windu's for dinner and I now have two Jedi Masters assigned to this incarnation, the other being the very extroverted Jedi Master Yoda who also came along to enjoy the celebrations and have some dinner.
"Look at that Mick" says Jedi Master Yoda, I follow his line of sight to see a dog has dumped his load on the floor, this is typical of Yoda's strange sense of humour, anyway Mace says it is Lager Day today and we must consume as many cans as possible.
When Mace Windu arrives at my flat he complains that his phone is not present hence the schedule is not OK, Donna is stuck at his house thinking "Where Is He?"
It normally takes him 45 minutes to consume a super strength and usually 30 minutes to consume a normal can ofbeer but today at my flat he manages the latter in an amazing ten minutes because he is so worried about Dominating Donnas reaction when he returns home.
Mace Windu, like myself also thinks the system is corrupt, he was in his past harassed by coppers in his totally legal mini metro while a load of ethnic minorities went past him while he was being cautioned on a illegal KX500 motorcross bike smoking cannabis and swigging cans of barley wine, they did stop to exchange pleasantries with the aforementioned coppers.
As we were all walking up Alandale Road, Me, Luke, Jedi Master Yoda and Mace Windu an old friend called Steptoe appeared at the side of the road to ask us all how we were doing, he was driving a totally illegal Citroen BX with an expired fiesta Tax Disc.
Mace asks Steptoe if he could get his millennium falcon to go into reverse more easily and Steptoe
TeQlies he will probably need a new gearbox.
When we all arrive at Mace Windu's house we are all a bit surprised that Dominating Donna does not fly off the handle due to our lateness, Mace Windu says "1 think Damian was giving you a special signal but, Donna went into the garden and frightened him off" ...
''I mean" says Mace Windu .... "it is like when we were moving into this house, I was doing perfectly fine negotiating the wardrobe with Jason up the stairs.but, along comes Damian and the next thing my smoke alarm was in bits"
"Donna my fiancee is a little stressed out and she needs some Prozac, do you know she is buying me some B&Q Vouchers for Christmas and I am building a roof over my Lager Land garden with Tandori house next door"
Luke Skywalker is now having a drink of Mace Windu's beer, who says Darth Maul is coming soon, Dominating Donna meanwhile puts more washing out not happy with the weather conditions, she stands out in the garden for 5 minutes before running inside.
"Do you know" says Mace Windu, "It is cool to have your laces undone on yOur shoes now-a-days, I went to my mums, the Bradley Megaphones, and I tried to be cool but I tripped over and I broke my ann, it is ridiculous what fashion statements are next!"
Luke has found Darth Mauls phone and it is revealed that he is coming at 6:30 p.m. , Darth Maul's telephone has just been retrieved by Luke but Mace Windu throws it away again ... "Its just a film" says Becky "You Silly Billy, I had to sleep in Pink Grandmas bed because I was so scared last night about Darth Maul coming ..... "
Me and Mace take a walk on to Bhullars to get some beer and he tells me ..... "We are all in this lattice, with all these kids and nobody can stop them from knowing each other, it is part of a new future when relationships cannot be of the on/off nature"
I am back with yet another can of super lager and I eat Becky, Luke and Cories biscuits indicating to Dominating Donna that I am ready for my dinner, if we see any broken down cars around Cory always says "Mummy Broke it .... fix it later ... " says Mace.
Butlins is full of fleas says Dominating Donna, "You have heard that haven't you Richard", Luke has just knocked Mace's super strength over and Cory does not approve, Cory knows that a 14ft crocodile with toothache is not the most passionate of individuals.
All the kids go play inside of the den but Mad Mick decides to have a piss round the back, they all come running out because Mace says "Your piss squirted right into the den", Jedi Master Yoda has arrived to instruct Cory how to suck his dummy says Mace.
"What are you lot doing in there?!" enquires Y oda, "Are you lot alright?", Mad Mick, Luke, Becky, Mace Windu and Cory are all sat in the den at the back of the garden as Jedi Master Mace Windu kindly offers Jedi Master Yoda a bit of dinner.
Dominating Donna realising I was hungry gave me a chicken leg which Mace said I devoured like a piranha and threw the bones into there next door neighbours garden.
Finally dinner is ready and Mad Mick, Yoda, Mace, Dominating Donna, Luke, Becky and Cory all enjoy, the lovely dinner, Stuffing, Chicken, Mashed Potatoes flavoured with brown sauce, Carrots, Peas and Yorkshire Pudding with Gravy it was lovely.
After Dinner The Jedi Master Yoda says ''I am going to go home soon and obliterate my toilet", they are not very polite all these Jedi masters, I myself am very tired after the big meal and just want to go to sleep ... Jedi Master Yoda remembers getting rid of some curry delivery men from Mace Windu's back in 1996 .... "We have just moved from bloody Pakistan ... We don't know what is going on .... we offer you one thousand thankyou's but we did not order no curry man good-bye"
Mace Windu has even got a bob oyl in his hut for having a posh wank when Dominating Donna won't let him do owt says Yoda, he also adds that Spaceman has now got a moped and plans to go for a ride with us every Thursday when we go on our mountain bikes.
"What is a posh wank?" "You don't know that Mad Mick: ... it is a wonk with a condom on you silly cunt I cannot believe you did not know that... You daft bastard" says Yoda ...
Jedi Master Yoda goes home finally to obliterate his toilet after the big meal and I fall asleep and await Queen Amidala but, Zooming Jason arrives instead to collect Luke, it is Jason's birthday tomorrow and he is 22.
Jason sneaks into Mace's house as Texas sing "Once In A Lifetime", just for the quote I ask Jason what he thinks of me ... "When you have not had too much beer you are not too bad" come on Jason that is not good enough ..
Alright then .... "You are a proper losing total wanker" that's better ...
"Look At Me" by Geri Helliwell is on as the charts countdown, Becka is dancing wildly with the same suggestive thought, something I used to do many years ago in the White Cross PuIf.
I am now on my fifth can of super strength 10% lager and I am listening to Potato head singing "Don't Leave Me This Way", Mace and Dominating Donna are fighting viciously as Cory and Becka are encouraged to join in to beat up Mace by there mother.
Donna says she thinks her boyfriend looks exactly like Jimmy Summerville and this heats up the argument as they continue there fight, finally "Wired For Sound" comes on by Cliff Richard and things quieten down somewhat.
"Please Becky, 1 do not want to know about blue doors, blue balls or blue rivers" but, I draw a picture of an elephant. ....
I have just been for a walk to Sharma's Off Licence with Mace Windu and we saw two balloons in the sky, Mace thinks I should get a flat on Meadow Croft as I spew up in the middle of Bradley Park.
Me and Mace return with our beers and sit in Lager land and Mace takes the piss out of Becka because she is a stupid girl, Becky says she is not my friend as I start my sixth can of super strength lager but, I am not bothered
"Go and sit in the telly and watch the room" shouts Mace at Becky, but we all end up watching the brain washing television set and a bored Mad Mick ends up keeping Becky amused with pictures of elephants.
Mace and Donna are getting a bit randy and are kissing as a result of seeing too many pictures of elephants, they cannot wait to get to bed later ...
Donna says she was walking on Keldregate the other day and she knocked Brummie Arren out of the way with her shoulder, ''1 am not scared of that Walsall Bastard" she says indignantly
Me and Mace finally go to the pub, and here we see Darren Thornton a old school friend from yesteryear, I cannot remember returning to Maces house and neither can I remember getting home but I awoke this morning feeling a need to write this story ..
It is now Monday 31st of May and it is 8:47 a.m.
Mad Mick Publications C 1999, with a picture of Luke
Will whoever has got the keys for the stacker please contact 2239, the feuding continues between Numbnuts and Magicman over who is The Guardian Of The Key, I just wanted to be able to get my electric truck past it so that I could deliver a cylinder to The Hypnotist.
On arrival back in the Progress, Windows said he had spent an whole Saturday' morning drawing our new Sellers logo, because the writing slopes backwards a graphologist would say that this indicates that Sellers is laid back looking back into the past rather than the future ..
It has been rumoured that at the Christmas buffet in the social club on the last day before Christmas we will each have three beer tokens plus pie and peas and a variety of sarnies.
Poe says his cat has gone missing, Ettie Wainthropp wants to hear from anybodywho knows anything about satellite dishes and it is Monday afternoon again at Sellers ....
Numbnuts approaches me in Teletubbie land and informs me that the 168 hour man has been wearing a sticker saying "I love Sellers" on his back for the lasttwo hours and everybody in the tin shop has noticed the notice except of course the 168 hour Irian who is wondering why everyone is smiling insanely.
I go to investigate and sure enough it is true, Silent Sean is wearing a big cheesy grin while involved in a technical conversation with The 168 hour man, may be he might never discover the stickers presence, Aussie says, because he never removes his overalls ... but I notice next morning as he removes his mining light the sticker has gone he must have discovered it early hours of the morning.
Tuesday arrives quickly and I receive complaints offTinky Winky about the rabbits and cabbages in my previous story about Barts nursery and The Balloon Wardens lack of decisiveness ... Poes cat has return~ safe and sound, a relieved Poe reveals.
A pinned roller bay is suggested by Laa Laa because "pinned rollers" is the new Chiefy explode word after yesterdays production meeting, I have obviously just visited Teletubbie land and strangely Dipsy was quiet..that is unusual for The walking megaphone.
Magic man tells me ajeke ... "Why is the washing machine laughing", "I don't know" I reply;
"Because it is taking the piss out of her knickers" ,
1 arrive in the lost world after that brief joke by Magic man and Mr Amways starts stressing my head ... "would a hundred ton aeroplane weigh more if it had a ton of canaries flying around or on their perches?" and "how would you get a fox, a hen and bit of corn across a river in a little boat if you could only take one thing at a time"
These were among two of the intriguing thoughts entering my head upon arrival with a cylinder from the machine shop from Mr Amways alias Liquid Sunshine.
Dynamic Dave has given me a complaint regarding my stories, why do you keep changing everybodies names all the time, it gets me very confused;
All names as NSIF (Who's Who) except ••. Mary Poppins becomes "Diet Coke Break", Mystic Mark becomes "The Hypnotist" and Mr Amways become "Liquid Sunshine". does that clear up some confusion ...
It is Tuesday after dinner, I have hurried up into Teletubbie land because before dinner I gave The Balloon Warden a copy of "NS6R" which makes the Balloon Warden look a little indecisive.
Poe is in the comer near the paint stores looking out at the river CoIne, he comes over and says to me "One day / will look out at that river and it will be going backwards".
The Balloon Warden does not seem very happy at all about my last story as he hands it me back all red in the face, "I Am GOING TO SUE YOU", he is promptly dragged away by Chiefy who is trying his best to calm the Balloon Warden down.
Who is The Balloon Warden but a character in my overactive imagination I told the psychologist later that night (I have to see my shrink on Tuesday night)
I load up some guards in Teletubbie land and head off to the fitting ....
The Incredible Hulk says "We are used to making silk purses out of a sows ear" as I comment on the lack of space in the fitting, I am trying to find a home for this guard I have just brought up, this is now the third load from Teletubbie land, the previous two being the J Scray much to the relief of Ratchet Jaw 43/4.
I am only unloading the wagon because I am awaiting the arrival of Magic Man with the pickup so I can get off to Halifax. One clock in the fitting says 10 to 3 and the other says 10 past 3, so I am a little confused about what time it is and I am devastated because Diet Coke Break ignored me again but, it is not surprising since I was hid behind the decator when she went past. Magic man arrived back at Sellers at 3:30p.m. and it was 4p.m. before I managed to set off for Halifax, due to one of the grinders falling over (that I was taking) andThe big
search for the seatbelt clasps did not help my schedule. . .
I am now in Ovenden, after a big search of the area and a visit to a Post Office, I was .met by a very dodgy looking geezer who quickly unloaded the two grinders and then sped off in his car. When I got back to Sellers only our two captains were there, so I left the pick-up outside so that they wouldn't lock the gates on me while I got washed, by the time I had clocked out it was 6p.m., and both our captains had left.
It is strange to be the last one to leave, seeing the place we all love working (and playing) totally devoid of its happy characters.
On my way home I stopped off for a beer near "Hamster Kill You Dead's den", a place where me and Bart used to sit and look at the stars, a banking near the railway line at Fartown overlooking all of Huddersfield.
Finally I went home for my tea, I arrived home at 7:40 p.m., The Jedi Master and his young fiancee Cleopatra visited for half a hour and The Jedi Master says all his quotes are off the record so I am not at liberty to say what was discussed.
Exhausted after another mad day I cllvibed into my pit with Oasis playing "I don't mind being on my own" back to those mad dreams I so frequently have when I escape from my material body and fly round the neighbourhood in my spirit body .. why does no one believe me!!! Wednesday morning I arrive at Sellers refreshed once again and a still stressed Balloon Warden and Chiefy enquire weather I had successfully completed my mission the night before.
Magic man says he has-made me an appointment to see Rumbold Of The Old Bailey (whoever he is!) for my counteraction against The Balloon Wardens case that he appeared indecisive in my last story, he assures me he is a good lawyer. It is break time
Born 2B Wild has just asked for my last story (NS6R), all this publicity surrounding an imminent court battle regarding another chapter in my future book entitled "Life As A Graduate Labourer; In Search Of The Afterlife" is making them even more popular. David Beckham says Sellers premier pool team was again on a winner, their third in a row, they came back from 3-0 down to win 4-3 well done ...
It is now 10a.m. and I am having a word with Secret Squirrel about getting a web site on their largely redundant internet connection as well has using it as a platform to release all these stories to a wider audience, He said Barnsley Bill would even be able to pick them up when he surfed the internet on his own site
AD Bone China Plates MAD MICK £10 please ask for a copy of Mr Happy Goes Bowling To understand this statement ... '-
Adopt a Fire extinguisher scheme [Doc #SA033] has been recently suggested by The Secret Squirrel, each could be called the works pseudo-names and upon hearing the alarm we could all meet at the relevant assembly points with our respective fire extinguisher, we could make it a game for the up and coming Christmas celebrations.
It is Thursday October Third (and yes I am here in body floating Ronnie!) a memorable date Cheesy says ... "One year ago today Captain Beaky stood at the bottom of the stores steps and said his "Now that the dust has settled. •• " speech and following this there was a further 15 redundancies" We are all a bit curious of the fact that in the machine shop we are doing work that isn't required until the middle of next year?
It is l lp.m. and I am in the fitting and Captain Pugwash says he had watched all that film called "Hom-blower" last night and Lada From Bamsley said he had missed the first half of it but Capt. Pugwash had refused to reveal it to him.
"This guy is a barrel of laughs" says Magicman who is operating the doors for me as I exit the fitting, he is referring to a certain member of our drawing office.
It is now after dinner and I have just been up to farm foods with my new ruck sack to do my shopping, but the canteen people would not let me put it in their freezer, so I ended up using the one in the tin-shop. David Beckham has just bought a Liverpool hat and says it is Christmas, may be it is in his dimension who knows ... (it was £7.99)
It is now finally Friday morning again, after another weird night of dreams, I am looking for pallets 3ft. wide for the Teletubbies to store their unpainted bits onround the back of the
Tinshop near the old builders hut. ,
I am unsuccessful in my search and arrive back in Teletubbie land somewhat disorientated ... Dipsy says in a friendly but concerned voice" What's Up" I answer sarcastically "The roof the sky, space then who knows?" I feel absolutely terrible this morning ...
Cuz Wally and Captain Cack complain that I have not written "Mr Happy Goes Bowling" yet, I am very sorry sir for not doing my homework, but I am losing it at the moment...
It is now break time and there seems to be a bit of a mix up with the sarnies, The Balloon Warden has ended up with a Drip and Onion instead of his usual Current tea cake and Numbnuts is apparently one samie short.
The situation is quickly and efficiently solved by one of our canteen ladies, caring female touch as she rushes to the canteen to prepare the poor samie-Iess Balloon Warden his fix for the day his beloved Current tea cake.
A trip to our metal finishers results with me discovering a letter from my banks solicitors saying unbelievably that I did not pay my IastMstalment for my loan even though I have all the receipts from the bank.
I have just phoned the solicitors and they say according to their records they did not receive my last payment and are fining me £15 even though I assure them I have all the receipts. I have now just been to see the bank in my dinner hour who assure me the fine is waved having "for some reason unknown" failed to process last weeks cheque, I must add
they were very apologetic about it... '
I will have to cover this situation I am in a future letter to the bank, The stupid solicitors and all the national newspapers about my treatment by Yorkshire Bank- The bank that likes to screw you up ... [LETTER TO THE BANK 2 .... soon]
Anyway what will everbody do when all the money becomes worthless around the turning of the millenium ( a lot of other things seem to be happening around this glorious date according to my guardian angel ... Gordon Coupland!! !) ... I have just said the lords prayer in the fitting bogs.
The Balloon warden hit the lights of London this weekend for a rest but he did say the Sellers sign was competing with The Sun Clock, Buddha with regards to its stay in the Progress.
A further sighting was reported by a person up a tree nearby gathering nuts of the "secret", at a romantic setting by the canal surrounded by stagnant water and frog spawn
A CERTAIN MEMBER OF TIIE WORKS HAD TIIE FOLLOWING TO REPORT ABOUT TIIE TABLE BELOW ... "PLEASE NOTE THERE HAS BEEN NO MENTION TO ANY TEAM OR INDIVIDUALS EFFORT AND COMMITMENT TO WORK OVER AND GET THE JOB DONE. SACRIFICING PERSONAL COA1MITMENTS FOR ttm BENEFIT OF THE COMPANY. BUT HERE WE HAVE A LIST OF EMBARRASSMENTS ..... OR SO HE HOPED ...
CAPTAIN BEAKY WOULD LIKE TO lHANK TIIE FOLLOWING INDIVIDUALS FOR SA VlNG TIIE COMPANY ABOUT £100 TIllS WILL ESTABLISH TIIE GRINDING TO AFFORD ANOTIIER BRAND NEW SIX WHEELER CART
FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER WE HAVE HOW MANY MINUTES LATE EVERYBODY WAS BY CAPT. BEAKY ....
Courtesy of Captain Wise and Captain Morecambe I asked my readers for names for the new Horizon that will not have any chains or pulleys and is to be outfitted with touch-screen controls and linked of course to the internet...
Dipsy says how about Omnibus or perhaps Panorama with regards to its new name and following this Numbnuts followed on with News At Ten, Captain Pugwash suggested of course The Black Pig and Magic man Viagara (I think I need a bit of that).
The spirit of Lada from Barnsley visited me in my dreams last night and suggested "Maverick or Krypton Shear'' and other spirits of my work mates soon followed with other suggestions....
Tmky' Winky said ''The Futura'' Poe ''The Sparrow'' and Aussie ''Big Bollocks" while Magic man 's spirit went the full distance with "Beaky David and Georgina'' for a three blade.
Laa Laa whose spirit I never see in my dreams came up with "Super-Horizon" or ''The Auto-sabre''.
In my dreams which I am starting to fail to distinguish from my reality are getting rather awesome since I took over my driving seat from alcohol. and I think I am receiving more words from the spirits which I will channel into another nutty story called ''Dreams a world Time forgot'' XR5RR It is nearly Tuesday dinnertime and I am sat in the fitting bogs, where they all hung out... and I have been thinking up a few names for The new horizon....
The last thing on Tuesday I was requested by the balloon Warden to fetch a guard from bay 3 into Teletubbieland there is also a blade stock there I observe when I arrive but I cannot leave Sophie there as she cannot get all the way in and there is liquid sunshine going on outside... so I opt just to bring the guard down.
First thing Wednesday morning and both The balloon Warden and Stroll On use the dark side of the force against mc both claiming I do not use an aspect of my character labeled Common Sense..
Most of our Brown Smocks seem to fail to see logic - If I had brought the blade stock in the liquid sunshine I would of been wrong.. lf I had left Sophie poking out of bay 3 door I would also have been wrong, remember this was last thing on Tuesday afternoon so I obeyed the Balloon Wardens command and I am still wrong.
''Common sense isn't very common'' says Stroll on as I arrive Wednesday morning to fetch the Blade stock I hope the wind drops says Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society, he is thinking about tonight's town match when town taking on Sunderland for the top of the first division.
I have just experienced the wind tunnel all the way on Leeds Road on my way here on my mountain bike affectionately named Christine after that car in one of Stephen Kings novels of the same name, I am hoping the mountain bike will copy I am busy working with the Spirits on my near future release called the code name XR5RR a follow up to Life After Death which the spirits helped me with.
I think from the work I have compiled so far in my nightly adventures which I have started automatically writing down... I think now a days we live in a far too material society, we do not appreciate the power of Dreams and the psyche as a whole is repressed giving rise to depression and the anti social behaviour that follows this.
It is only this century in our material advancement that our nightly adventures in dreams have been forgotten and swept under the carpet like they don 't matter anymore.
We spend a third of our lives asleep and without the ability to sleep we quickly perish, it is in the world of dreams where we talk to the collective knowledge of the Universe..
SOON ..... XR5RR another mad story about flying around in space... sorry you don't like them some of you! I am having a conversation with Aussie in our real world, Our waking world of Sellers, but, some of us do wonder if this is the dream..
"Aussie I need to get on the internet, I have to save up and stop drinking", "why? '' says Aussie "Don't you know its just a big advertising campaign, you can still live and breathe without being on it ".
''Yes but I could make some money on the net, as far as I know you can make money 'on the net, when BT or Cable pay you a preportion if anybody downloads information from your web '' I say.
Aussie responds "lf you think that people will be downloading these stories and you will be making money... I don't think so.. they are incomprehensible to anyone not working here... The spelling is atrocious and! thought you had a spell checker'' I replied ''Yes but the computers spell checker can not tell the difference between typo's such as ''wear'' and ''where '' or ''there '' ''their'' and they're ''
"You still cannot beat the human brain, computers are just stupid" He counterattacks I voice my opinion of human brainwashing ''Yes but spelling is just made up by people in the first place and I am sure everyone knows what I mean and that is the important thing'' "If I got on the net I could even have a digital camera set up and film Saturday night at Mad Micks" to which Aussie replied ''The only people interested in such a web site would be the police because everybody else is doing it anyway" Aussie added "If you want to know more about the Internet don't ask Windows, he seems to have all his dots and his slashes mixed up because Sellers internet address is wrong...
. . . The correct Sellers address is Sellers.HaHaHa.Fu*k Up/UK.com
Cuz Wally arrives and complains about me and Aussie exchanging information so we quickly switch subjects to Hudderslield Town vs. Sunderland match tonight which is deemed a reasonable discussion by the above mentioned character.
Numbnuts has just advertised our Bowling Presentation Evening on November 6th, which for some reason I am dancing to House Of The Rising Sun, I will bring along a special tape and request our DJ The Tin Shop Poet to play it and will dance to that.
Hopefully on that night in question my good friends The Sorcerer and his fiancee Dominating Donna will be present along with The Knight Rider and Barts Aunty Leanne, but, Puds has not yet decided if Bart is allowed to go.
Captain Morecambe has penciled the above event in his diary I am informed.
Born 2B Wild reports happily that Melchrome our new metal plating place is closing for business on Friday 23rd October so its back to our good trips out to Moss Metals at Hipperholme near Brighouse.
David Beckhnm reports that Sellers Pool team won again 5-2 accompanied by Cheese and Beef sarnies. It is now just after Wednesday dinnertime and I have been up to my wonderful bank for a measly six pounds.
'ln It' seems to be decidedly overjoyed that I have just delivered the nozzle boxes on 70 and I am now just heading to the Tin Shop past our new little compartments underneath the haunted clocking in machine, I am taking some of Tiny Tears cock ups to be modified by the Tin Shop.
Aussie says he cannot see the labelled rollers fitting into the required space, it being only 9 inches square
THE ADVERTS
****Numbnuts Play station Games (NPG.com) £10 for chipped play-stations, but if Captain Beaky pops into Secret Squirrels office to drop off keys for his car just pretend that you are studying the plans for the millennium Dome ****Full unedited version of "And... The Madness Keeps Coming''... what really did happen at the football match on Saturday (NS8RX) and new "Who's Who NS1RX'' see Mad Mick for details about these two limited editions ****White slightly cooked male, both physically and mentally, late twenties, generous but sadly mostly skint seeks female for friendship, possibly developing into full blown relationship if the female can put up with his manic depressive mood swings ****BANG GOES THE BALLOON balloon popping services contact 2234, Professional opinion, no job too small.. (decision making ability not a strong point) It was Bart Simpson night on Wednesday night but I think he is growing out of being Bart Simpson, I think in my infinate wisdom Luke Skywalker is more appropriate...-
We couldn't stay in my flat at 98 Keldregate, Bradley being the outdoor people we are so we went out on Christine, Luke of course stood on the special pegs on my mountain bike named Christine, we went down to the weir at the back of the Cornmill.
We built a little camp-fire to keep us warm, I got my hidden pan and we cooked some beef burgers that I had brought with me, I had a lovely can of beer and Luke had his usual bottle of cherryade from farm stores.
We discussed the stars and Luke recited some of the nursery rhymes he had learned at nursery with his best mate Daniel, Numbnut's Son, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star followed by a rendition of Chumbawamba's Tubthumping by myself that Luke put into his memory and promised to perform at his nursery after his half term break.
Luke said he had recently appeared in The Huddersfield Examiner and this was further confirmed by Numbnuts, Pud and the clipping was saved for me by The Sorcerer and Dominating Donna.
It is now however Thursday morning thank you lord, we have had a Progress report that strangely does not mention The progress The Hub Of Sellers.
The company the Captains report is in a secure financial position and how I wish I was, I have just received a letter from the bank.
Apparently the bank wants to see me in Person again or they are going to charge me £ 27.50, I have decided to go up this dinnertime. I am now sweeping the slope awaiting Christine typing a letter, the order for Moss Metals and I feel sad I don't know why? I have just been to Moss Metals, who knew all along we were traitors, but I did not know that Culture Club were back, I also had to visit Melchrome our old new supplier who was very upset that their owner was dying of Cancer and their future is now uncertain. On a lighter note I suggested ''The Quantum Shear'' for a name for the new horizon through Lady laughter as suggested in the letter from our captains, Numbnuts of course joined in with the game suggesting evolution or revolution and Aussie said Fu*k Up.
Just been up to see that Bloody Dozy guy up at the bank who was complaining that I was overdrawn after charging me unexpectedly £ 27 bank charges. They were apparently wanting to decide if to charge me a further £ 27.50 for being overdrawn to cover the work they have to do looking at my account every day on the computer that it is overdrawn.
WORK they do not know the meaning of work... all you lot at the bank have to do is sit on your arse and look at some poor Bastard struggling to earn a living and seeing their wages taken away from them paying for stupid schemes and daft government proposals, by simply pressing buttons! ! ! I had some comfort at the bank though I was sat with Breaklight, he told me about his sad financial position and also about Ms inability to say Hello to Capt. Beaky.
I was taken in to a little room at the bank where I explained that all the bank charges had built up as a result of errors from The Waterboard (who took two charges out and sneakily put one back) and Kirkless Council who seem to be on more drugs than the BBC.
The sad bastard at the bank then disappeared for fifteen minutes probably consulting with someone to respond to my unemotional outburst, he returned to say the bank in its divine wisdom was waving the further £27.50 charge but I bad to behave myself.
I told them unlike them I am not paid if I am ill I simply cannot be ill, and I asked them if I could have a little food every now and then.
At least a little food for a poor hard working man in between cock ups from you The Bank, The council, The Poll tax people and the useless souls at the Waterboard who have not yet paid me back for such a disruption to my carefully balanced finances.... It is really no wonder I am always overdrawn.
The Useless sod at the bank said Yorkshire bank had heavily invested in Russia, and needed to screw all its customers to get its money back, but he did have a tear in his eye as he told me this, I knocked at Breaklights cubicle on the way out.
I arrived back late at Sellers with my tray of Curry and Chips, ''What's All This! ! ! !'' exclaimed the balloon Warden when he saw me. "Don't blame me blame that stupid bank '' "Why don't you change banks '' The Balloon Warden asks.
I answer truthfully "I have tried but as soon as they realise where I work they introduce fees that I have to pay to join Midland said £200" The last thing Thursday and Ettie Wainthropp really surprised after loading a cylinder for him by buying me a coffee and inviting me into his office for a chat.
He discussed The Philosophy of The Sellers Working Man and The end of inventions being the twenty first century other than making people disappear and reappear in another place which he agrees with me it is a common occurance at Sellers.
He also admitted that he agrees with me that the Government is one big act and the poor working man pays for all their extravagant lifestyles that promises never to be in touch with their plight as well as paying for the black economy.
Ettie suggests the name ''Sprinter'' for the new shear he says the name "Quantum Shear'' I suggested is too long.
It is finally Saturday morning and after the Knight Rider had lost his job the day before and was asking me to visit him soon for spiritual guidance, The Balloon warden says it is quarter past nine and Tristen gives his best mate Chiefy a visit trying once again to get his job back.
''Are you married yet'' asks Tristen, ''You know there are plenty of fish in the sea goes the old proverb but you know I am right out of bait......................."
NSR9F MAD MICK PUBLICATIONS 1998 Next XR5RR "Dreams The Forgotten World'' Good-bye until next time... Mad Mick
The Score was l"() to England when me and Chiefy first went to see Barnsley Bill unfortunately he was busy with The Vice Captain and That Guy From PFE. When we reached reception Chiefy joked about rubbing masaging oil on Lady Laughter and played the hell with me {or getting him into this mess in the first place.
It all began with one of my Pink Team Stories on 23rd March caDed "Possible Improvements Suggested" where The CoUective ConsiousneM Of The Pink Team remarked why dont we put all the Tube manufacture in one bay instead of carting them all over the machine shop.
Barnsley Bill realised I personalty do a lot of moving things being in the Progress as a labourer and could see how the machines positions could be changed for the minimum labouring.
Chiefy who is in charge of the machine shop was however needed to cooperate and exchange ideas with an open mind, but Chiefy was of the in grained. opinion "It has always been done this way". Anyway at 5 past 4 Bamsley Bill appeared in the Machine Shop as I was exchanging bowling tactics with Aussie after delivering two beds to be stretched by Cheesy because David Beckham did not want to do them.
He comandeered me and Chiefy to a meeting in his office, which was done out with a white-board the modem equivelent of a black board and had a table with seats round it where we all sat
BarnsIey Bill started the discussion after finishing a phone call that had erupted just as we were all about to speak the first time, well them two was I was not yet ready.
We exchanged pleasantries for a while and Bill suggested I should take Bart and Princess Becka to Eureka near Halifax for a day out but on asking me their ages decided they might need to be a bit older.
BarnsIey Bill tried to veer the discussion towards it objective: - Tube Bays but Chiefy had lots of Blind Alleys prepared which to veer the discussion away ... '"
We managed to find ourselves discussing disused raiIwa).'S at one point up one of the CuI De Sacs I remember at one point, I asked If they were still planing to reopen Brighouse station, Bill said when the canal came through The Grinding will be situated in one of the bays of an extended Tin Shop and the Paint Shop was no longer moving.
Car Parking will be where the grinding was for most of us and in Wilsons yard for the unfortunate Electritians and Fitters, The canal will be underground and we won't even see it
We discussed The Trak Rap machine, an excellent creation that does away with heat when wrapping bottles- The whole Trak Wrap operation is under the wing of The Rebel MC the subject of my last newspaper (SBSW) and now the machine is finaIy working efficiently.
Its coming home footballs coming home as England have just won, Three lions on our shirts, talk about football coming home, the jewels remain within reach, Oh my god football fever is even here, They are fighting on the beach.
BamsIey Bill started singing he would be gone till November no really he said we have a new idea with the Trak Rap and companies in the Trak Rap industry are like you Chiefy, they resist change anyway they can.
Human Nature in general resists change, we like to keep the status quo, it is our instictive nature that I spoke about in by book from 19% called "In Search Of The Jedi" available on computer disk, we now have two higher minds our cold inteIlectual mind and The warm Spiritual mind to draw energy, I remarked I was surprised the aerosol industry had not been approached, I mean they make "solid" bombs when placed on a camp fire and sure heat when wrapping these products must cause some explosions.
Finaly BarnsIey Bill had another stab at approaching his desired goal, the subject of the Tube Bay and optimisation in general and showed him my diagram from the restricted release entitled" All Change
At Sellers" where I had put forth my suggestion. '
We used to use optimisation in Physics for all sorts of problems and they have a mathematical technique used by wagon driving :firms for minimising distances travelled between pick ups and drops.
In our example at Sellers lets follow the life of the average main frame casting: 1 Delivered into Bay 3 to be ground by Mr Happy on his grinder
2 It is then transported into Bay 2 for its sides planing on Aussies Planer whois a keen member of the All-Stars and will be bowling with Barnsley Bill on June 28th
3 It is then transported into Bay 1 for drilling with our good friend Dynamic Dave
4 Finaly it is transported into bay 3 for the slots putting in either on Captain Cack:Elga-miller or
Wallys Borer before it is sent for painting in Tele-tubbie land, my dad Tufty says thanks to poe for thinking of him and giving him a lift to Bradley.
Now lets look at your average handle, a device used for holding the Blade-stock in the Horizon
I) It starts life in bay 3 from where it has been transported from the progress usually; to be ground on Mr Happy's Lumbsden grinder.
2)It moves next to Bay I for the centre holes marking off and punching
3)Then it is into Bay 2 to be turned
4)Then it is back to Bay 1 for milling with Hamster Spring A Leak
5)Then it is back to Bay 3 to have another shot on that antiquated double bed planer
6)Then it is into The Progress to have its arms chopped off but Mr. Myoyghi made himselfby not only sawing off its arms but also its feet so far neither me nor Born 2B Wilde have. made this mistake but their is time yet
7) Back to bay one they go for more drilling and milling
Now take a tube, when I first came here and Darth Vador ruled the roost they were delivered in the Fabrication I>epartment, Bay 3 of the Tin Shop where Step Rebok, Mutley, Barney Rubble and The Chairman of The HTFC Debating society all work, which was then a store-house for tubes and all sorts of forgotten relics.
They were transported a :few at a time on electric trucks into the Progress where they were numbered up and when required they were transported on trucks into the machine shop, thank-fully The Balloon Warden put an end to all that.
Nowadays they are delivered straight into the Machine Shop, some are delivered in bay 1 for either David Beckham or sometimes Tony, others are delivered into bay two for cheesy and Chiefy prefers it this way for censored reasons (he told me later off the record).
They are then turned out for their ends putting in before being man handled on to sack carts and into the annex between the doors to have their ends sweated in, they are then man handled back into sack carts for the next operation so it goes on ....
Chiefy said moving the burner into the machine shop would starve the air of oxygen, so J {} suggested getting some canaries like they used to use in coal mines for detecting the presense of Methane.
I quoted my dad TuftylWonderwood who is playing on JUDe 28th, "Bloody hell me and SBSW would be dead if oxygen was starved by all the ethyne welding plIDlts that surround us"
Chiefy said yes but they have extractor fans in the roofbut the machine shop roof was built by cowboys and wouldn't support such a thing.
Chiefy then digressed the conversation on to the subject of PFE and indicated he knew two guys who were in on it? he said he knew they were cowboys he said he advised Sellers not to touch the venture. Chiefy said we don't want to put all our eggs in one basket, how do you know we will always be producing shears, its all right optimising the Machine Shop for shears but the world is swimming in them.
He said we need to be versatile, thats how we have survived all these years, we can make anything. Here was interupted another phone call this time it was Keetons where I had delivered a chunk of steeL ... J occidentiy damaged the transit with one of the arms on the forklift, J accidently squashed the door, I should of been using the /~fting boom and am sorry, but J was stressed out by someone into more haste less speed mode ....
After the phone call Bamsley Bill brought out the forecasts for future orders 1998-2001 which included lists of all employees and their histories and starting dates, he gave Chiefy The figures and showed bar charts indicating inport and exports in previous years and forecasts for the future .... Have you considdered wars and stray meteors in your future predictions cos most people cannot see paSt year 2000, myse1fincluded, I see it has a door we must all go through ... to a new era ..
Anyway the forecasts made it clear we will still be selling Computerised Tile Cutters, Backing Plants and Shears well into the next era despite all the doom and gloom predictions that circulate as rumours round the shop floor causing insecurity and depression.
Chiefy said he would see how the new ends were going on and he will try and finish that report on the machine shop, he promises another meeting in about three weeks ..
When I suggested my proposal I was not being clever but just thinking where the machines could be situated to ease on the labouring I know this alone isn't perfect, there are more factors involved.
But I just offered a honest opinion with an open mind and a light heart to which I think Chiefy should do the same, he has his chance now.
Chiefy terminated the meeting at 5:15 pm with a suggestion that perhaps all the captains could use mountain bikes on disused railways to and from work.
Me and Chiefy left the meeting upon termination and headed out of the rabbit 'fVarreD, Thanked repeatedly by Bamsley Bill because we were now talking, we met The Vice CaptaiIT who disclosed the
score of the England match to which-Chiefy pretended to be destroyed at knowing the result.
He then continued hiseamer discussion with Lady Laughter and showed me a picture of him as a boy outside the candle faetorythat he Mid--pre-dated the grinding but On-Wrong List said it wasn't Chiefy. Me and Chiefy had a wash in the Progress.Bogs where I once saw a finger, and had a lighthearted ellat.
Chiefy said he cannot help speaking his mind and didn't want a built in delay mechanism because he finds this leads to depression when thede1ayis t~ l~, I agreed and said I'wished I could be more spOntaneous but in the words of tile Oasis Record "You've got to be YOUrse1!you can't be noOQe else". Underneath all yoor possesions and money and posiuon you are just a chamcter on lifes journey travelling down YOOr own mad watching the signs as they go, you get OUT of lite what you put IN.
If you put nothing elf value into an incamation upon death our passing into the fourth dimension of spirit where illy old mend Bonnie has recently gone you get no spiritual lessons on to which add to your character in your next incarnation.
But I do think Sellers will survive because we TALK to each other a way that no other establishment copies even if we do not always agree ..
, -
IntroduciBt!1be Rebel Me HOMER SIMPSON
I was comandeeted by Ettie Wainthropp to~ Sir Thomas Noon of Tommy Noon timbers PLC who had forfeited his cafe duties (also a profitaWe subsiduaJi') to load £l5000 worth of cider that had been rapped up by Sellers legendary trakBap apcQject undergpidanceofThe Rebel MC.
Sellers Trak Wrap is a mechanical boule wrapper that does not use heat, saving companies using the more conventional wrapping systems~ of pounds every week in energy costs, and alsollas the added adYantage of l\Ot damaging products.with beat.
Horns blared and insults were shouted as me and the wagon driver tried to stop the rush hour traffic to allow Sir Thomas Noon time to load atlthewobbly piles ofBulmers Cider.
After six wobbly pallets were placed on r.IIe-wagon the driver decided hewasnt happy with the load tharMr Happyfu)d shrink Wt'aped so T0flHDy went to fetch The Rebel MC for assistance and to make
some ckCi~ r,
It wasdecidedbytfleRapper h1tDse1f~ Waimhropp who bad come to- see what all tIle._ was aOot.it·th,at more men were needed, theb9ttJest.roUtd have to beunloa~ and Super Shri~ wrapped, With the busy road (it was coming up to 9amand the traffic 'Was murder) it wasdecidedl should . Ul1load the remainingsiJ( -pallets and the newly arrived Pink Spindle Panther and $it Thomas Noon of Tommy Noon T~ PLC would ~the-tqffic. I was shouted vetbal insults and one bus driver being held up by Tommy threatened tocalfthe Police.
We bad to change our strategy.for loadiBga4espamte Rebel MC said, Ettie Waintbropp reappeared With Phil Collins to assist the Operation ltOWmmed.()peration "It's A < Wrap" i ItwasmutuaHy agreed that we would have to stop the traffic and"'back 1Ite artic in.
Tommy, Ettie Wairithrop and The RebeJ~1Demsef.ves in a line accoss the rood stoping the angered motorists at the traffic lights so no CafS-oouJd.enter come road and Me, Pink Spindle. Panther andPhil·Collins laid ourselves aceross the road ~ the Kawasaki Centre st<>ping;cars coming the other way.
The driver e~rtly manipulated his artic at ~angles into the building asthe Huddelsfield Examiner arrived and started interviewing ~Panther about Iris campaign, he had forgotten to getup. out of mad and motorists were shoutiDg~ comments as some temporary traffic .ligbt~ were. instaOed around him.
After the artic was iii the building we all went rot'Ollr.break, after break me and the Pink Spindle played ring-ring-a-roses wrapping aU the stacks,~~Hr Thomas Forklifted them into position and when finishedpIace the stacks: into the-back of tWJ1U1ic, where Phil.Collins and the ~ggon driver maneuvered them into positieo with the little ~ hand stacker.
The Rebel Mc gave us all a-bottle of-IronBrew, ~Usi.nga>mplex PSYchological reward system to encourage liS to work harder, but some of the stacks were so bad that they had to be completely restacked.
The Rebel MC using knowledge given to him from BainsIey Bill who has repaced Gazza in the world cup (Cack) and of course secret~uirrel who wasp~ty known as Curly Wats but has chan~.his name using the companies DOC #33 name Change feetlback forms. . .' .
He broke us into two teams, The Red Team; Me, Pink 'Spindle (who has just got a girtfrienq) and The Rebel MC versus The Blue Team, The Wagon DrivehvhoWas e'-Yoying his~y' .so far, Sir Thomas
Noon and of course Phil Collins. . • •
The Rebel MC said lets all pretend 'We are playing "It's A Knockout", He gave The Pink Spindle a
I awoke at 07:28 on saturday morning with the clock radio yattering about Gazza and that spice girl Geri, I won't bother going to work this morning I thought as I turned off the alarm. I went back to bed and tried to return to dream world, but. all I could think of was is who am I buying my gas off the Electric board or the Gas board, this got me to thinking about bills in general so I got up and shot off to work on my mountain bike unshaven and unwashed.
I felt rough after the night before at Hop-Heads, I had to keep stopping on Leeds road to spew up down the drains, on arrival I ordered a Bacon Sarnie off Born 2B Wilde because I had a lot to do today ~ needed food.
I cut a few bits of bar off on the saw then loaded a second load from the Tin-Shop to Tele-tubbie-land, Silent Sean talked to me while we shifted Mary Poppins Fans half built cylinder guards so I could get the Wl'ggon in.
I had a wash .at work when I washed my hands with the Balloon Warden who inquired about this afternoons bowling with the All-Stars, he said he has never bowled in his life so I suggest he comes along to the Sellers Individual Friendly Knockout on Sunday June 28th where I hope all the All-Stars will be there to sign Autographs.
On my way home from Sellers and I am on my mountain bike called Christine at the traffic lights at the top of Gasworks Street on Leeds Road and I here "Hello Wank£rff and I look to my right and there is Acid Tougue in her red fiesta.
She is in her car and there's Zooming Jason's cheesy grin and in the back is my son Bart Simpson with his brother Beady, I ask em about the previous night at Dominating Donna's house as we wait for the lights to change.
The lights changed and Acid Tougue did her best to out accelarate me but her clunky gear changes couldn't compete with my slick gear change up into 21 st and I left them for dead so they turned up Hillhouse lane at the next lights in defeat.
I had drawn hard on the Force for this amazing victory, a energy field that surrounds us, binds the galaxies together, my gurdian Angel Ben tells me, I was later informed I was doing more than 60 m.p.h by Zooming Jason who is thinking of also buying a mountain bike so I informed him Brian the Darlek at work is selling one.
Drawing energy from the force is all very well but you have to pay it back and my bowling experience at Mold-green taught me that I had drawn a little too much just
lately.. ' '
When I got home Saz and Laz arrived first at my flat has my computerhurriedly prepared bowling reports, when Hop-Head arrived with Princess Becka, Saz, Barts Girlfriend, had took over with the computer.
Acid Tougue arrived next with Bart and after a brief spliff 'and chat about the adventures of my son Bart Simpson took Princess Becka to Pink Grandma's (what becky calls my mum and dad; Mad Mave and Wonderwood, she calls her other grandma's White Grandma so she can distinguish them in conversation).
Saz and Laz bid farewell to Bart as I set off on Christine, my mountain bike with no seat on the back, for Mold-Green Conservative Club via the Ramsden Canal.
Nesbit who had arrived with the Knight Rider and his fiancee Aunty Leanne who is expecting Alburtl Angel, was first to see the red hat bobbing up and down at the back of the bowling green as Homer Simpson and his son arrived ready for action in the A1IStars ..
The Knight Rider is chosen to mark for Chuckles comments "Chuckles is playing well is opponent is not up to scratch, but even if he was playing someone good he would win" Chuckles is 14/3 up!
AI tells me "Tonto is 15 is opponent is 16, it is a close match, both playing very well" JACK IS WINNING 18-7 WELL DONE GOLDENWOOD ...
Jim'll Fix it well bowled as Goldenwood calls for measures to avoid a two down, happily for Goldenwood he only suffered a one down, as I leave Golden woods match from the spotlight I heard "Lovely wood Jim why don't you bowl like that all the time" but in the end he had his first win for a long time 21/10
Next news Tonto is offwith 17 and Oh No! it is my turn as I am introduced to my opponent and to top it off Nesbit is marking, my performance as described by Aussie ..... "In your report you will have just to ignore the fact that you bowled absolutely crap and didn't take any notice of anyone" Our team one finally and I was embarressed for them to be defeated on aggrigate due to my defeat 21/2.
My mum, Mad Mave said "never mind Michael its the taking part that counts" and I burst into tears and had to run off to the handy Port-A-Loo due to the geniune one floating down the hill-side
After I had come round from my bad defeat my opponent, RLees, offered me a pint of lager and my dad Wonderwood looked at me disapprovingly so I said it doesn't matter, my opponent insisted so I ignored my dad's glaring stares and excepted the offer.
The Knight Rider is winning but Uncle Col strangely cannot get anyones name right, I was consoled by Nesbit and Aunty Leanne for my sad defeat may-be the Force will be with me next time .. Or at least once ..
Our captain who told me off for bowling the same mark after winning a end and gaining the Jack, was losing 10/0 down GoldenWood informs me.
A round of applause errupts as The Knight Rider bowls a toucher and wins his match, he his struck by his opponent but is still on he wins 21/12 and Nesbit, his brother is 1 accross against a young 14 year old who bowls for an Elite squad as Golden Wood informs me our captain is struggling he only has four.
Aussie shouts to his son "Come on we need some big winners to make up for this little monsters dad's performance" has he struggles to eject Bart and Becka fi-0fll the port-a-
100. Aussie's Son is 4 and his opponent is 5.
The last four are on Mystic Mark, Aussie's Son, Nesbit and Uncle Col but my mum Mad Mave is feeling poorly and thinking of going home. she is tired of carrying a passenger all the time, Forest!
So whats the scores ... SO far .. Mystic Mark who has just come back from South Africa Married is losing All-But-Z, Goldenwood says "He hasn't got any twos but he did get three ones in a row". But he agrees on coming offdefeated 21/7 we need some practise sessions. Meanwhile Uncle Col is as always winning 9/4 and he started with 3
twos his marker says. , '
Nesbit is 8 accross against is little rival as Mystic Mark comes off'with just seven but still three and a half times my score "He will be back again in later life" his marker Goldenwood says ..
Nesbit says "I'm going to threaten the little guy" as he loses another end and being I 1/9 down, meanwhile Rod who is marking for Aussies son signals that it is 10/8 to the opponents marker using smoke signals
Nesbit is now 14/11 up as Pink Grandma and Pink Grandad try to pursuade Princess Becka to leave, She does on the condition that Bart and her Uncle Homer come to visit her for afternoon tea at Pink Grandma's.
It's five winners appiece and we are down onaggrigate by twenty our last two players battle on .. Uncle Col who is winning 17/11 and Aussies Son who is winning 19/12 and a quick calculation informs us all that we have lost on aggrigate probably due to Homer's devastating performance.
Uncle Col got 1 giving him 18/11 and it is one down to Aussies Son making now 19/15, Aussie shouts "There are only two internationals at Sellers that is Dipsy and Sammy" while offering words of encouragement to his son.
WE HA VB WON 7 winners to their 5 making the score 9-7 to us since they got two for aggrigate and we got two for most winners thanks to Uncle Col winning 21/15 and Aussies Son winning 21/16
