It was reported early on the morning of Wednesday 9th September by Captain Cack that Breaklight spent 3 hours in't gymn, Breaklight apparently said " I tortured myself from
6:30p.m. unti18:30p.m Capt. Cack said" yes but thats two hours" "no it isn't replied
breaklight, counting on three fingers 6:30 7:30 8:30 thats three hours .
It was wednesday 9th september and we were all slaving away at Sellers again, me [Mad Mick] , All But Smithy and Dashing Dave were putting the new logo on the side of the social club but the joiners did not want to be up there in the rain, so we all sheltered under the seafold awaiting a break in the monsoon ...
Captain Beaky popped his head out of the social club door near where we stood and said cheekily "Come on Lets get the thing up", I replied "I am not bothered about liquid sunshine its these joiners who are not allowed coats who are bothered about it".
After that it was mutually agreed that the momentous event-was ealled off due to Mr Amways
liquid sunshine .i.e. rain when you are on prozac.
When I got to bay 3, the home ofHuddersfield Towns second biggest fan, TCOTMDS, who was in a good mood due to towns latest victory, a frame was required urgently by Laa Laa and Ronnie Pint wanted to get in there with his pipes.
After wagon duties I was ordered by TIle Balloon Warden to take all the small bits on 35470 up to the fitting for Mr Angry who hasn't a, lot to do with the parts arrived to date, Mr Angry requested a NSlF, (Who's Who) when I finally arrived with the bits.
On my second trip up with some more parts on 35470 from Telctubbieland, I was broke off by All But Smithy to continue putting the new logo up who is Capt. Wise's Baby, upon return to the fitting, me Pickling Jim and Magicman happened to sec a mink, and this resulted in me and magic-man trying to block its escape and capture it.
When I returned to Tclctubbic land and resumed putting the bits on the electric truck, I received a rollicking of I Ettie Wainthropp so I threw a tantrum and started sulking and moments later when Danger Mouse asked me to do him a favour I was fairly obnoxious and I do apologise Ada-Laddie.
During our Dinner hour Born 2B Wild gave me an article about Prozac, an anti-depressant I had took following my break up with Pud .. .it said a small minority of people taking the medicine had either gone nuts or connected with an entity from the after-life.
I no longer take this medication but must admit it brought me out of my shell with an initial burst of realigning all my three minds in a general forward direction, instead all of the place. Angry Andy gave me some adviee after stating the proverb Familiarity Breeds Contempt, "What does that really mean" I enquire ....
He says it means you put your bits in different places (referring of course to the parts for his machine he was placing underneath the platform he had built).
He also added "He had never been angry here, nobody had ever seen him angry .... really really angry because something very strange happens" he will now be referred to as TIle Incredible Hulk cos I find it very difficult not to be a little angry sometimes its a force of nature.
He said "Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Issue bares many avenues ... such as you will mostly get stopped three miles from your home for speeding because you arc familiar with that
stretch ... He said he once got stopped on his mountain bike doing 62m.p.h. up Wood House Hill at F artown ... he said he had turned ...
Back in't Tclctubbic-land just about to load more bits up for The Incredible Hulk but Tinky and Poe wanted some frames real urgent, so I went to fetch them first from Dynamic Dave, who was at that time eating a banana,
Tink and Poe said incidentally that perhaps progress could also clean them prior to painting to save valuable painting time and We are sure one member of the progress would enjoy the
experience of being on't gun wash again. •
It has just been revealed by Pickling Jim that the mink incident (as it has by now been labelled throughout the works) has had further repercussions .... Danger Mouse was seen storming up to see Mystic Mark, just before dinner, to ask him if he would use the stacker. .. .it was revealed he was most upset, by Mystic Mark himself
Magic Man convinced Ettie Wainthropp (The Mink Warden) that it was beaver and we were giving it some wood for its dam ... tell that to captains we are doing an act of charity.
Back in the paint shop loading bits for 35470 .... dreaming away another story 1 here in the distanee as the fumes hypnotise me ....
"1' II h t I'~ .o: " "IJI/h t 1 hn''. "1'>1/" -h t
e you w a ueoJJ rr , a ",0 n e }OU"li a
Geoff.: " "WHATJ. .. " "Tell you what Geojfthere aren't many
::,parrows around is there" .
They continue cleaning there frames I had just delivered them oblivious to my watching with
Gun Wash , "John there are loads ofspanners up in the
fiuing''. ''NoJ GeojfNo J I meant "Sparrows" not "Spanners" .
John says to Geoff{Poe says to Tinky Winkyj "maybe the::,parrows have all gone offfor
henleyfeast " ''No John I am her it cant be Hanley Feast "
Replies Tinky has 1 exit Teletubbie land with my bits unseen due to their deep discussion they never even acknowledged the Teletubbie Salute as I headed to the Fitting sad and isolated in a new Sellers of increasing connections .... As the collective consciousness of Sellers flexed its muscles.
Secret Squirrel says am 1 on a company decathlon regarding the different number of company vehicles he had seen me driving in the last hour, he also complains of damage to the cutter adjuster tubes 1 was carrying ..
I told Laa Laa of The Mink Wardens apology at dinnertime which made me he is human and not a machine, but Laa Laa said he is on his seventh.
"Hey Up Its Mr Mad" says Capt. Pugwash as I arrive once again in the Fitting ... he is busy at work with Lada From Barnsley ... he says "would you care to join me in the Black Pig" (which was later found out to be Captain Pug wash's Boat).
Mr Angry is now helping me putting some parts from 35470 under the platform that hides them
from the dreaded drip {I have just been visited by the honourable Jedi Master}
As 1 leave the Fitting Magic Man says "Watch out for the beaver", now it is back down to fetch the wagon for Laa Laa .... what curses am I about to expect here ...
1 tell Mr Blobby "My next publication besides the bowling reports and this publication entitled "The Pink Warden for the day .. " ..... "will be life after death ... my own near death experience .... Blobby says for inspiration of the subject of life after death just look around the machine shop.
The Balloon Warden found a eloser place for zinc plating in Paddock also today .... typically shortening our occasional runs out in the vans ..... typicaI...
..... Just as Barry Sheene had described the building, it was small and without any shrtholes or any facilutes of any kind .... "These will be a bugger to wire says the guy there"
1 say "They are usually done in a big place in Brighouse called Moss metals ask them" I add "If you do a goodjob ... you will probably get a regular order ..... cos you are the cheapest"
I am sure I have been there before in the era of The Darth Vador I thought as I headed back to HQ Sellers, Wonderwood; my dad is strolling towards the machine shop as 1 return ................... he tells me he gets the same bus back as my mum who is working to fund my lazy brother in beer.
I am now in Tclctubbic-land unloading motors off the pick-up ... Captain Bcaky arrives in Teletubbie land ... he approaches Laa-Laa who smiles like he is ecstatically happy ... and this catches Bcaky off guard ... .hc mentions a bit of fettIing up once Dipsy returns being a bit stunned by Laa Laa 's energy ...
A poor Captain Beaky left to discuss with Poe the wonders of town actually winning a match for once as I had a discussion with Laal.aa .... we discuss ... "his teacher docs yoga", "The Brat wants to go to University and will end up like Mad Mick" philosophy and of course .. what
Laal.aa is having for his tea..... '
He also says there is Doomsday Predictions on lTV after Barman Forever which me and Luke/Bart watched but Luke fell asleep shortly after the news at ten after saying "Batman's On Forever and it keeps scaring him"
I set off with the pickup containing the cupboard cost cutting motors that need not be painted but just has 1 was about to go the Balloon Warden appeared to tell me that my .dad Wonderwood was complaining he needed the wagon moving .... "Obviously Clive I need 10 gel rid of Penfold's desertion of the pickup in order to bring in the wagon please
understand thank you.
As 1 negotiated the pickup with the motors not requiring painting into the fitting .... Squeaky had
just returned from a trip and asked me how is it going "I said does that mean I no longer
have to move your car out of the way every morning" he~said "you bet!"
My overheated feet stink in the confined space of cubicle two as I also perform a number two in synchronously with cubicle three and one ....
The Great One who has a personal tinncr nowadays called Mad Max who ensures he docs not weld things on to gas pipes nowadays in the TIT regime, fails to acknowledge me 1 wonder if I am dead and invisible as I head to fetch the wagon from Bay 3 to Tclctubbic-land.
"STRAPS AREN'T ON!!!!!" Shoats TCOTMDS who has managed one strap fastened but left the other two draped over making me think they were fastened in my highly stressed state ... me thinks there were a roll of thunder as I fasten the remaining straps this theory is backed up by TCOTMDS .... the lights dim and brighten and dim again .. the liquid sunshine lashes down. TCOTMDS assures me there is more rain and thunderstorms tommorowand I have booked the day off sh*t ..... Why can't they get weather forecasts right.. . .it is probably due to the coming discontinuity
When 1 arrived in Teletubbie land and told him about the incorrect forecast on news at ten the previous night he said you was probably watehing the forecast over Saudi Arabia cos all't forecasts he'd seen night before said rain showers and cooler.. .. he also for some reason decided this was the time to learn how to strap and un-strap loads on the wagon using our new straps. 1 have just been visited by John and Sam who as usual wanted a cig ....
I drunk my last pint of Tcletubbic Milk before departing for the machine shop toilets where I
met Capt. cack who asked me where 1 had been all day .
Finally towards the latter end of the day Born 2B Wild informed me We've been to the place at Paddock before in the era of Darth Vador and the result finish had a lot of repercussions to Sellers & Co. costing a lot of money.
Dizzy and Chiefy are exchanging pleasantries as 1 prepare to leave for the neural net of Bradley where it is very difficult to have any peace what-so-ever.
1 took Luke my son, down to the raging Calder where he found he was rather frightened at the ferocity of nature which I think will show us a thing or two in the next century ...
NEXT" LIFE AFTER DEA1H" the emerging theory of 1997 ... The birth amongst scientists of the possibility of a continuation of consciousness after death using the most modern theories ofMorphic fields ..
Mad Mick had read the first six chapters and thinks the afterlife is very similar to that illustrated in the movie called "Ghost"
He has is own views from front-line experience regarding NDE's which he has suffered ... "LIFE AFTER DEATH - THE EVIDENCE" Mad Mick. .... XR4RR
\Ve get a free day every thousand years it was officially confirmed today when the new holiday dates for 1999 was put on the notice boards throughout the works but Cuz Wally said it doesn't matter about that extra day because Mother Shipton says the world as we know it is ending sometime towards the end of September 1999_
But never mind before that we have the eclipse to look forward to, this occurs on 11: 11 am on August 11 th 1999 and wi!! centre on the county of Cornwall; this will result in millions of british people a11 visiting the area resulting in total chaos.
Laa Laa informs me that the trak rap project under the guidcncc of The Rebel MC is to be sold
on ... .I am now sat on the forklift while The Balloon Warden is as usual trying to make a decision whether to accept these stainless steel tubes that T have just unloaded off Mr Myoyghis
COUSll who feels a little peed off
Tinky Winky is back from his Honley Feast break which he-has spent polishing all his ornaments and other bits of jobs around the house, he his feeling a little upset today because his rabbit has escaped and he thinks it will be part of somconcs curry by now.
Aussie and Floating Ronnie have also returned from their respective holidays, .I.A __ ussie says he is glad to be back and he has missed all the cxcitcmcnt.. __ he says if an giant ant sat on your house I am sure )'OU would be rather annoyed.
Poe says in referance to my last bowling report that he did not fall off a wall 011 his way horne from the pub, it was in fhct Dipsy who made me think he did by calling him Humpty
Dumpty ..... Sorry Poe, I have seen a sparrow today down by the river where 1 ha .. ve built a swing for Bart Simpson and Princess Becka.
This swing (Thanks Penfold) is even better than that one we did in The Jungle last week says Bart and Becka, Me and The Jedi Master have just got back from there and arc having a beer
listening to 'Millenium' by Robbie Williams both wondering if the world will really end.
T have now finally recovered from my ant bite but still feel that Sellers collectively has a lot to learn from the little creatures if we are to survive the forthcoming end of the world.
La.:'l Laa was ilion Monday because his mistress "The Teacher" brought a mystery bug back
from the peasants at her school who should be quaranteened when they go abroad ... he said the Rebel MC has now left the band because he fecls it was affecting his social life. "WillMichael Schofield contact 2234" says Lady Laughter over the tanoy __
"Where eire you nOH-,ll says The Balloon Warden "there is a roller to come downfrom the fitting" he adds .... '~ves 1 knol1/ 1 am up there and it is on the wagon anti it is afoot too long" 1 reply.
Tinky Winky is in Teletubbieland moarning about the price of cabbages now a days and Magic-man seems to think N umbnuts is hogging the forklift.
Outside liquid sunshine is lashing the ground, Tinks says" !e(lVe his taxi alone ... it is magicmans umberella" as J nlOVC the forklift so that J can get the roller off the waggon and on to the truck. _ .it is 11: 15am on the last day in September 199~L
Back in the Progress, The Hub Of Sellers and this roller in question is a major concern for Cuz Wally, Chiefy and The Balloon Warden ... .I am sawing some more weight bars off and Stroll On asks me \vhat J am doing with the wagon now, I reply "nothing ! am sawing qtl".
It seems rather serious about this roller that is a foot too long because Chiefy has just prepared a "Goods non-conformance report" and has sent The playgroup leader Cuz Wally (who I beat in an arm-wrestle) to Secret Squirrels office.
The Pink Spindle Panther has been given a very challenging project by chief); and is travelling back and forth from the fitting shop and says he is gradually getting there.
Numbnuts is hastily preparing his bowling report, even though he was only present at six of the matches, he feels confident about it, he says he will follow it up with "The Numbnuts
Encyclopedia of Dodges to work" which everyone is hastily awaiting.
1 have put my name forward along with Bart Simpson for the Football match on 15th of October but, Mr Happy says I have no chance ... I have never in my life ever been to a football match .. .1 here town won again.
"Bloody hell have you eaten them all ready" is exclaimed to me by the dinner ladies, I am returning with my empty plate after consuming my beans on toast in record time ... yes it is dinnertime but someone tell that to The Balloon Warden and Chicfy who arc unloading a west indians guy's pickup.
After dinner Mr Blobby says have you seen "Neighbours From Hell" and points to Mr Happy who is for some reason wearing a crash helmet], it is by now nearly lp.m.
The Balloon Warden has finally made a decision regarding that tube I mentioned earlier .. he says we are using thatspare tube upstairs so you will have to cut two ends off for it.
I put the foot too long roller back in our tube rack and get the I 45mm diameter bar out to cut the two ends, and he reappears just as 1 am about to saw the bar and says it is back to the original plan we arc using the old tube again ...
Finally 1 am cutting the original tube one foot shorter and Captain Xerox appears complaining bitterly about how boring the notice board was now that the bowling season has finished.
Born 2B Wilde seems a bit upset at having being brocken off from emptying the skips of swarf for the fifteenth time to move Sophie and unload a waggon with the stacker.
Poe takes me aside for a private message .. "l SaliJ a sparrowflying llrourlll in the Progress thi,Y morning (IS I arrived: .. maybe they are coming back" no I said it was a robin not a sparrow because Chiefv nnpnprI thp door for it it j" I 'L!()p m
David Beckham says Sellers Pool team were victorious again, winning 4-3 last night and that is 2 wins out of seven matches .... well done again.
Dynamic Dave says he has been studying my old stories the previous night and was wondering why Ratchet Jaw 4 ]/4 was called Ratchet Jaw 4 ]/4 ,1 said! had no idea but 1 suspect it must be something to do with his sociability, though, I added I had no idea what the four and three quarters was about that was made up by Lada From Barnsley,
AI! But Smithy says there arc more fire extinguishes than employees and he is on his final batch to put red boards behind .... there are 112 fire extinguishes and only 108 employees now that Beany Head has returned, the latest of the come backs ... welcome back..
All But Smithy also said that he has had his workboots on for 3 years and they still are not worn out.i.Numbnuts says he is lucky if his last six months with his hectic workload.
Magic man who is in reciept of a pie and peas machine does not agree with Numbnuts opinion of his workload, he feels Numbnuts is a bit lazy.
~1,ARY POPPINS finally spoke to MEl today .... 1 a..'TI overjoyed to be acknowledged by such a bcutiful creature .... She said "Hiyah .. .Isn't the weather crap" ... I am renaming Mary Poppins "Diet Coke Break" from now on cos 1 a..'TI the author of this mad publication.
"This is the tail end ofHurricane Hampshire" says Aussic and outside the liquid sunshine still lashes down on our last year on this planet, I look and think ","'.as Aussie gone totally nuts ... he is busy laughing andjoking to himself".
However, I had failed to notice our Assistant Senior electritian Crazy layed on the
floor ... Chief)! also did not sec Crazy I was later informed as Chicfy exclaimed "when that lazy cu*t comes back call }'OU tel' #~i,Jn to see me" unfortunately our electritian was in. the usual position laycd on the floor and heard every word of this.
1 have just phoned the Holiday Advice Line (2204) and found that I have only 6 days left after using another holiday taking Bart to nursery.
Bart said he was not scared on his first day of nursery because the teachers had left the lights on, he told me this weekend, but he had enjoyed the experience he added.
Friday Dinnertimes come and see Mad Mick as the RAT DJ "ll.fy Hear Will (,'0 On" by Celine Dion, "Father Figure", Van Morrison, "1 will always love you" by Whitney
We lost 5 to their 7(winners) +2(aggregate) +2(most winners); we lost 5-11, amazingly All But Smith managed 20/21 defeat again, Uncle Col took £8 of the sweep and Father Christmas took seconds of £4 for his victory of 21 /13
AD: Free Haircuts by DOMINATING DONNA @ BRIERS Cross Church St.
Thurs.: All Day & Fri.: Until Dinner, ASK for Donna Row.... .
It was nice to see so many supporters at our second to the last match of the season, our last match being at Marsh, Captain Cack arrived with his girlfriend, Lady Penelope and Lady Penelope took Bart And Becka on the swings.
I arrived after Goldenwood gave me a lift there, with Bart who upon asked how many cows there was in a field we passed en-route, he replied after a lot of deep thought that me and Goldenwood thought he was counting ...." All Of Them!"
It was a beautiful place for a bowling green when you finally found it, a sign would be nice we all agreed as we all explored the neighbour hood of Shepley looking for it.. My name is Michael Schofield and I have managed to write a newsletter for nearly every match, and I have enjoyed the opportunity of increasing the rapport of the team,
like Goldenwood says we must all help each other. .' .." .
We haven't had a right successful season, when one of us won another expected win wasn't present, but T think we all enjoyed our Saturday afternoons and like Goldenwood remarked their would be a big gap left in his life through the coming winter, next 1999, its an exciting opportunity of living through a turning of a millennium.
Well done Robbie Williams with your new No]! Millennium. like my dad Wonderwood says at the turning of the last millennium all we had to worry about was wood tor fire, now we are in the middle of a highly technical age ..
When we go bowling all these strange feelings for the future disappear, I can enjoy the experience of being here now, playing a very difficult game called bowls that needs immense concentration.
T did very well in my academic achievements, gaining 8 O'Levels, 3 A'Levels in Maths, Chemistry and Physics at Greenhead College. When I went to York University I found myself alone in a strange world I could not relate to.
My inability to interact with my fellow students brought on increasing see-sawing of manic depression when T would commute back home to be with my pals back at Bradley ... The Sorcerer, Mad Mark and Steptoe.
We would go wild at Rooftop Gardens at Wakefield and I would become Michael Madonna .... a famous dancer who would dance to any Madonna record the DJ put on, Like A Prayer being my favourite.
But throughout University depression became more severe, the cold physical explanations tor ever! thing the natural world had to offer .... Physics of the late eighties was not coherent to me.
Despite a lot of lonely revision for my finals in which I memorised countless formulas in order to be used in certain situations, I failed to see the answers and managed a lower second in June 1990.
In July 1990 I had a bad accident on my motorcycle, but not of the usual type when petrol from the tank got on to my clothing, upon lighting a cig T was suddenly engulfed
in flames .
This resulted me being in Pinderfields hospital at Wakefield l l weeks and suffered untold agony, but, I must thank the nurses there they were terrific, The great cloud of depression was still there doubling my inability to go on.
I had many visitors, Joanne Wallace, Richard Kaye (The Sorcerer) and his wife, Graham (ex builder from Sellers), Timothy Schofield (Forest), Leany-head (John McGuinn) and most of all my dad Wonderwood and my now 62 year old mum named by my dad Battyeford Lill.
They kept my spirit up despite the hell I was feeling, with burns the pain you experience gets worse for the first few weeks, but, 1 had a mechanism to escape from it, that is to escape from my body and have an outer body experience.
1 would explore the hospital and beyond in like real dreams in my mind, at least that is what I thought they were until I heard years later of Near Death Experiences, which
formed a near similarity with what happened to me. .
I remember distinctly remember visiting Rooftop Gardens and finding it more packed than 1 ever remember it 1 was instructed by a deep ancient voice that most of the souls were dead.
1 immediately understood 1 was seeing things from a new level (more about it in Life After Death), I was let out of hospital after a concurrent dose of'Prozac, a then revolutionary new anti-depressant, which 1 had allowed myself to be given as a human
guinea pig 1 didn't care I had had enough.
Luckily v,Then 1 left hospital 1 got a 14 year old Girlfriend and Sellers rescued me from life on the dole in April 1991, where 1 took up my place in the Progress with, Mr Myoyghi, Born 2B Wild, Disappearing Derek and Darth Vador.
My fourteen year old girlfriend became Barts mum on January 24th ! 995 and we had got a rented house by then on Oak Road and were quite happy despite me still being a labourer in the progress at Sellers but also doing a day release computer programming course.
One year later we split up and once again I quickly requested some more Prozac, that revolutionary anti depressant, It started to work once I had moved back to my mums and could once again have some peace at the monastery.
I year later I moved into my brothers old house at Farto\vn, a terri-tying atmosphere was left there that made it very difficult for me and Bart to live there.
Pud (Adele Row) My Ex lets me see Bart Friday until Sunday and every Wednesday, and I must add we split but have remained very good friends as if she was an angel of the past sent to help me in my early years.
Our son Ba...'1 enjoys all the bowling matches very much, is 4 years old on January 24th and when he was born he was 3 months premature and spent most of his first month in an incubator a stressful time for both me and Pud.
In October 1996 whilst I had moved back to my mums Madonna released the first song off Evita called "You Must Love Me" 1 started writing on my computer.
It is now nearly October 1998 and I find writing has helped me find my way through this jungle we call life and 1 also find my son and my niece have given me a spiritual reawakening which I think will eventually be shared by everyone.
But never have 1 received the hands of support as 1 practised writing as much as with our bowling team ... The Sellers All Stars, kindly sponsored by Sellers Engineers and captained by Mystic Mark.
I think in 1999 we will start to rise up to the top of our section, we do not as yet know who will be our captain since Mystic Mark has put in his resignation, but we need someone on site to volunteer in person to Mystic Mark.
Preferably a member of the bowling team, if two people apply then an election will occur amongst the rest of the players, I have offered myself to the position of secretary, and it is believed the largely absent Numbnuts is offering himself as Captain. Numbnuts (Darren Boyce) {A long time mate since 1992} had a bad accident at work and has lost a lot of the use of his left hand, his bowling hand, and spent the rest of the ··~'lSon recovering .
. "rly reading LIFE AFTER DEA TIl - The Evidence IA-N" Wilson, in order to believe if my ''''',were real which I strongly believe they were ..
,-WLING REPORT BR 19F
ill be available by mail order .... Thanks for listening .... M.P.Schofield
Tonto stands astride the chart like a colossus for the second week in a row as he achieves his sixth win of the season and Aussie had some unplanned rugby practise as we bowled and lost again at the biggest green in the Huddersfield area read on ...
I set off with Bart Simpson on my mountain bike I have named Christine to Linthwaite Cricket and Bowling Club for another slaughtering, and at a distance of over 8 miles I had a lot of pedalling to do.
The newly restored Huddersfield Narrow Canal that is due to be opened up right to Aspley was totally overgrown with Bull Rushes and the towpath was just a mass of nettles and weeds making it nearly impassable.
The canal however is at the present moment fed into a large pipe that passes under our place of work at Sellers down Chapel hill, rumour has it that when it is reopened it will pass under the works in a box culvert. This however is not due to happen until after the discontinuity; when all the computers go haywire, aliens land on our planet and the sun is having a severe sun-storm ... yes, you got it the year 2000, but, Aussie points out that the first day of the 21st century is Ist January 2001 so who knows ...
I finally made it through the Jungle they call a tow path to the bowling green 'after getting some directions from an old geezer, who said incidentally, that he had seen this stretch of waterway during the 1800's when there were barges nose to tail alway't Marsden. In retrospect I suspect this guy was a ghost, but, he gave me the correct directions to the green and upon arrival I found even my mum and dad and my niece Princess Becka had beaten me here, I was kindly
.'
offered a ham & mustard sarnie by my mum.
The beautiful weather we were all promised by the experts once again failed to materialise and the first four of the All Stars were on the green, The Knight Rider limping away, Peter The Painter from Fartown, Sellers retired paint shop boss; Father Christmas and Unemotional Al A Cricket match was also being played in the adjacent Cricket field, however, Aunty Leanne informed me that Popeye had failed to tum up, despite working all morning at his works no'but 300 yards from the green, we found out later he was busy in the Coach and Horses exchanging his hard earned pennies for a big Headache after the future events were about to occur ...
None of the first four managed to win despite all ending up in double figures, the green was huge but also very unpredictable, in that any slight discrepancy from the road that the jack follows results in bowls that are literally miles out.
The Knight Rider lost 15/21 against G Kewley from Hemploy, our opponents, Unemotional Al lost 11121 against L. Fisher, Peter The Painter lost 16/21 against L Armitage and Father Christmas lost 18/21 against M. Beumont (dynamic Dave said I should mention more about the scores)
I was on number 6 after Goldenwood just as very wrecked Popeye arrived and illustrated an example of what alcohol can do to the human mind for all of us when not treated with the respect that it deserves.
I managed to score eight against Hubert Clegg despite extreme concentration, perhaps I am concentrating too much now but Tonto says it doesn't help when I practise with 2'1O's and bowl with 2'12's.
I must add that I was not feeling very well after having an upset stomach most of the previous week, however encouragement from the rest of the team was most inspiring, even my dad Wonderwood joined in with the rapport, the intoxicated Popeye even did a little dance after I managed to bowl one of those rare touches.
Two young good looking girls were preparing a stew next to the bench which was to be made base camp by Bart and Princess Becka.
It is Princess Becky's birthday on Wednesday and she is five years old and is due to go to big school shortly, while Bart starts nursery on 29th September and his mums birthday on the 7th. Chuckles renamed All But Smith by Captain Xerox managed is usual 20121 defeat against D Rowan, Golden Wood achieved 10 against P Armitage and our Captain who can't wait to be Ex-Captain, Mystic Mark obtained another win while I was landed with Coaches card to mark but also Pie and Peas were on offer at the canteen ..
I gave the card to our reserve marker Aunty Leanne and went to get some Pie and Peas as Popeye annoyed one of the Cricket team spectators by enjoying a leak near his car, Popeye was now well and truly steaming and is mind would soon be occupied by some lower spirits from the fourth dimension.
On the earth plane which we all live our incarnation, we have three minds functioning along one line .. Our instinctive mind, a collection of instincts from our ancestors collective
psyche .. Our intellectual mind this is cold and calculating and Our Spiritual Mind which our brain
acts like a radio receiver to a spirit in the fourth dimension. . Robbie William's sung about his Angels, yes the Spiritual mind can be likened to your guardian angel who comes to you in your dreams, usually we obtain such thoughts from the higher vibrations of the fourth dimension, however after large quantities of alcohol the brain becomes more responsive to the lower vibrations ..
In some cases that I have myself suffered in my experiments with alcohol, the-brain can become possessed by the lower vibrating disembodied spirits of the higher dimension, resulting in psychotic behaviour that one is unaware of
Uncle Col had his usual win making the grand total of seven wins this season more than any other player, he beat S.Holroyd 21/11. Tonto obtained the sweep beating T Shaw 2119, while I continued to mark for Coach, a highly entertaining match which I shall briefly outline having forgotten him in my previous report.
Coach versus Hans Solo with sunglasses. •• We are the odd ones so its Coaches jack, Coach gets one straight off with bis first bowl a good eight inches off the jack as Madonna scores her third top ten hit single off the Ray Of Light album called Drowned World (Substitute For Love) which debuts at number 10. Coach gets another two within a foot and its 3/0 up, his opponent Hans Solo has sun glasses on but it is cloudy which is remarked on by Popeye who is busy trying to kiss
Wonderwood Coach bowls a good one but Hans Solo takes the block. . .its one down then its
three acrossA tough end from the silent opposition, Coach bowls through, its 4/3 down .... A brilliant lifesaving bowl by Coach and it is four acrossOh no another two down .... Pair em up Coach its 6 across. "Yard An ha1fthrough I shout" but its sadly 7/6 down ..... Knight Rider teases Popeye that they have 21 between them, The Knight Rider obtaining 15 this resulted in Popeye knocking his beer on the Knight Rider ... Pie and Peas. •••••
•••••••• My dad Wonderwood and my mum Battyeford Lill bade farewell has they set off across the Cricket field with Aunty Leanne and The Knight Rider and Princess Becka ... they were all followed by a staggering Popeye .. .1 looked back at the job in hand getting Bart ready for the eight mile pedal
bike journey back to Bradley We had 3 winners to their 9 them being Tonto, Uncle Col and
Mystic Mark .... Hemploy also won on aggregate (the sum of all the players scores) and most wins SO we lost 3 points to their 9 (winning players) + 2 (aggregate win to them 226/186) + 2 (most wins) that
is lost 3-13 We had once again lost the battle, Popeye had offered our captain an apology after
being defeated after obtaining 21/6 against S Aspinal but it was hardly surprising he could hardly see
the green let alone the bowls Un fortunately from my vantage point as Bart climbed on
Christine with me I could see the other end of the Cricket field '" I could see Popeye was now seeing red and engaged in an heated discussion with one of the cricketers .... The Knight Rider was battling
with Popeye to make him see sense .
The evil spirit had however fully possessed Popeyes mind which saw only pure hatred for this certain member ofthe cricket team .... First Aid man Wonderwood was close at hand in case of any casualties during this strange episode I must add ... throughout the occasion .... Popeye flew into further tantrums but this time took it out on his younger brother The Knight Rider who was trying to make him see sense and come to the car .... The Knight Rider abandoned it as a lost hope as Uncle Col had a tty at one point.i.I had by now parked Bart up and told him to look after Christine has I went to tty to see
what my Jedi skills could achieve being an old mate ofPopeyes and maybe could reach him The
Cricket team had by now closed the gates and a lot of them had congregated around it but still Popeye was busy exchanging obscenities now with them ... they were telling the possessed Popeye that they had phoned the Police, luckily as I approached Aussie and his son coach was also leaving and being Rugby players managed to wrestle Popeye back to The Knight riders car .... All this effort was in vain though ... Popeye hopelessly possessed by the evil spirit managed to escape from the Knight Riders Car as it stopped at the junction on Manchester Road .... his escape was followed by the rest of his possessions including his bowls and his shirt as the car sped off.
I last saw Popeye running back towards the Cricket field shirtless as he run past me as I set off to
pedal home with Bart you can lead an horse to water but you cant make it drink I said to Bart as we
Aussie knocks the Jack at his end and gets a one and The Knight Rider is firing on all cylinders and is winning 6/4 as Aunty Leanne said her boyfriend should be renamed Grumpy and the newly named Popeye (originally Nesbit) suggests Sad Sack.
lts one down to Peter The Painter, Goldenwood says and despite is enthusiastic coaching he is losing 7/2 down.
The Knight Rider gave me a bollocking my third in as many weeks since he had arranged to give me a lift from his mums house but I had forgotten and consequently asked a kind Goldenwood to give me a lift.
It is now 11/5 down to The Knight Rider who claims to be losing concentration and his brother Popeye has got a black eye off well made bird The Knight Rider had recently asked this well made bird if she was pregnant, turned out she wasnt and she went to punch the Knight Rider but missed and hit Popeye instead, it is his 5th Black eye this season..
It is 14 across to The Knight Rider as Peter The Painter knocks his opponent out gaining a two, he is on one of those come backs he is so fond of reports Goldenwood, it is 11/13 on the mat, from 13/6 down.
The sun has just come out from behind a cloud, we have only another 5,000,000,000 years to enjoy its warmth before it swells up to burn its Helium and destroys our planet.
Aunty Leanne says she doesn't want to know me no more because I did not mention her name in my last report called ''You Always Go Too Far'' and fame is going to my head.
It is 14/18 down to The Knight Rider but he is really struggling having lost the Jack, and on this green at New Mill it is absolutely fatal as I found out later, it is now 19/18 up to The Knight Rider and my mum and dad arrive with Princess Becka.
Dont fall Bart it gets you down... Bart has fallen and hurt himself playing football with Princess Becka and it is nine across to Popeye who despite his black eye is bowling really well.
My mum says forest sometimes gets a bit Stroppy when he says ''Get my tea out'' Wonderwood my dad says he isn't that bad, My mum says he even took their cat jerry to the vets but he wouldn't go in he sent the cat in on its own.
It cost my parents £ 190 in total for Jerry their ginger tom, £ 140 in vet bills plus £ 50 for its funeral which I have just got back from, we sprinkled Jerrys ashes in the back gardens it was a lovely ceremony and the vicar was brilliant.
It has brought us closer together as a family, the loss of first Bonnie our dog and Jerry our cat, who have gone to the fourth dimension Forest even had his dinner in the room! It is 14/15 peter says but I haven't a clue who he is marking for, Popeye is 15/13 down, two down again it is 17/13, Popeye cant stand a pair as he wastes a bowl on an hopeless strike.
It is 11/15 up to Uncle Col, our number one player again! and All but 17 to Father Christmas, Uncle Col must of lost an end because is partner is bowling.
Uncle Col does a brilliant strike, its 17/13 up and Sellers kids Father Christmas loses 21/17, Bart cried last year at the Sellers Christmas Party when he met Father Christmas and this was captured for me kindly by Captain Morecambe and is on my wall..
Our No 1 Uncle Col goes on to win his sixth match this season a feat no one else has achieved after some brilliant bowling 21/15.....
My addiction to Sellers is now a full blown ''Sellers Disease'' now, I have to admit, Tuesday night I got to my flat and sat there restless, I just had to go back to Sellers, and lucky for me there was a pool match on and I went in to investigate...
The Tin Shop Pod, Joe Pasquali and his good lady,David Beckham, Clive James, Captain Xerox Junior and Mutley were all in the social club, They are our Sellers Premier Pool team and were awaiting a match with the Premier winners from last year..
It was all nail biting stuff as the just game was on Captain Cack was battling with M Nadeem, to my untrained mind it seemed as if the two opponents were trying not to pocket the balls.
David Beckham said it was ''Freeball'' after a foul, meaning they could pocket their partners balls, now I was confused....
Captain Cack said they had more fun in the lower sections and even suggested starting from the bottom again, perhaps a bit of advice their for the struggling All Stars Team, who are bottom of the lowest section. But they have traded fun for cognitive abilities as everyone except of course Wonderwood as they enjoy a few beers and have a laugh but our collective captiousness does seem to be merging and I think next season we will win every match.
These are mysterious times we are living in and nothing can stop me from being high, can you tell at what point in the UK Top 40 we are at, its down 3 at 5 Sash with Mysterious Times.
I dont understand pool and prefer nice simple bowling, but I enjoyed watching the game of Killer at the end and particularity enjoyed The Tin Shop Poets curried soup, he even give me some to take home that me, Bart and The Jedi Master enjoyed.
I have had a strange weekend in all and repeated interruptions from the bored youths of Bradley is driving me nearly crazy, Boyzone is number one with the brilliant new single but prepare for the double A side from Madonna.
After the excellent event on August 9th I think all of those who attended realised the value of connecting to that collective captiousness, as BT say It is good to talk.
I think depression is the gradual lengthening of the thinking process before space commenses and I think beer destroys these boundaries and when used with care can help in some cases but never drink alone.
MAD MICK PUBLICATIONS 1998 CODE BR16F
DOMINATING DONNA'S HAIRDRESSING HAVE A HAIR CUT LIKE
MAD MICK
47 ALANDALE ROAD JUST £2 has she is still practicing
topping Tap says Hi to all you All star Bowlers, he is my Red indian Spirit Guide during this incarnation but, don't worry because nobody usually believes in spirits except those of the alcoholic kind. I however hear them constantly talking to me but, I am not bothered they have kept me company during this lifetime.
I have decided that bowling is just about the right sport for me, not too energetic but it is mentally taxing and has the added bonus of meeting lots of people that you know and others you do not know, It is also one of the few sports where performance does not diminish with age.
Bowling has a checkered history but according to research I have done you could of been imprisoned for 6 months for playing it 500 years ago because it interfered with the common mens archery skills which were required in those days just in case of foreign invasion.
I started my game against Frank Robinson and he scored a "one" and a ''two'' as I adjusted to the speed of the green then as my sensors slowly homed in on the deceleration rate of my 2lb 12oz bowls, I managed a one, that is one of my bowls were nearest the Jack while the other was miles off and then once again screwed up on the next round allowing Frank another 2 and I was 5/1 down.
The green had been watered that morning and was drying out hence the greens speed was not constant but varying as the sun 93,000,000 miles away dried it hence speeding it up, well that's my excuse anyway and it sounds professional doesn't it! By making a minor correction for the greens speed I was able to astonish my marker Mr Serious Pcnfold who says he isn't serious anymore and wants to be known adjust plain "Penfold"; anyway I managed to pull back level at 5 across and score another two ones pushing me into the lead at 7/5.
The Green was still speeding up dramatically and I was unable to adjust rapidly enough on the short marks my opponent was putting me on so after losing the jack it was 7/10 down before I got it back again and I was sweating but another minor correction is adjusted for by Dripping Tap this time and I pull back level at 10 across.
At this point I am there with the jack and I hear Princess Beckas squeaky voice shouting "Uncle Michael'' and I am put off and my bowling goes to pot I fail to score again and wind up losing 21/10 Rebecca is equivalent to three Luke's.
Goldenwood is marking Unemotional Als card as I come off defeated and Al is 8-2 down '' a good attempt after one in the gutter but it sadly runs out of steam '' same problem as me I think, adjusting to the changing speed of the green.
Our Captain Numbnuts is present and now bowling, he has brought along his misses Lady Teaspoon and his son Daniel, Lady Teaspoon is expecting another daughter about in July. Darren is losing at the moment 4-11 down I am told by his marker Uncle Col...
''Round Peg him... Darren this way with your thumb... just a bit in it it will run kid .. Well done Darren it is 7-11"
Lady Teaspoon is busy telling Col "if all the tests come back correct, its electrosis on his arm on 11th June, he cannot feel his hand'' Darren gets another one down and Unemotional increases his score from 11-4 to 11-5 after a rather fluky end. Uncle Col is happy with Darren scoring a one and a two on't trott ''Keep Going Darren... '' Darren is sweating and his arm is aching but he is fighting it. its 10-12.
''11-12 down to blocker Boyce '' Wonderwood is worried about having to bowl because The Knight Rider has failed to turn up, he is hoping the green is running fast I inform him it is speeding up as we speak cant you tell...
Unemotional Al is losing 19-7 but is on the mat so he must have scored if he has the jack Daniel is crying cos his mum Lady Teaspoon has given him a bollocking ''No Car Park! NO running round the buildings. NO GOING IN THE BUILDING!!!" Penfold is busy following a pigeon round the green, he has just come off after winning 21/16 and buying his opponent a pint, It is serious we only have 2 winners says Tonto.
''Come and sit by your son" shouts Penfold to Battyeford Lill who was feeling lonely sat in the corner, "somebody has to'' he adds I interview our best winner so far after winning 21-3 and kindly organised me and Luke a lift there, Mr Peter Ward our retired painter "...I never say I have won the sweep till I win it.... I've seen it before.... BOWLED GEOFF ... I won on that occasion 21/3 and I think it was Colin Ackroyd who stole the crown..... '' Wonderwood, my dad, says "Somebody told me and mave it was ten minutes from Cleckheaton bus station. well it might be if you was Roger Banister'' at this point I am handed Chuckles / All But Smithy's card by that very person so I moved away from the crowd to get a undistracted eyewitness account of the match.
Geoff Smith (All But Smithy / Chuckles) versus H Wise....
but somebody has taken the jack with them to the toilet, he might have put it in his bag or taken it home has a souvenir his previous match was against Numbnuts our Captain who wound up losing 21/15.
It is almost a toucher and All But Smithy is firmly in control of this match and at this point Peter The Painter shouts his comments previously mentioned it is 3/0 up to our Joiner.
I must apologize if you are dropping off at this point but I have been told my bowling reports are a welcome relief from sleeping tablets by one of you last year.
It is four nothing to Chuckles, and my dad Wonderwood is preparing for battle since the Knight Rider is strangely absent, but our opponents have two policemen on their team who are currently on duty and cannot play so Uncle Col and Wonderwood are without an opponent.
A request is made to our captain that can they play two of their men again, "Yes but only friendly we automatically gain 42 points'' says Numbnuts (the much underrated!) Wonderwood is saved the embarrassment and it looks like we might win. Uncle Col takes up the offer of a friendly and All But Smithy is winning 10-1 ''With this sweep its complicated about the benevolent fund and all that, but I am worried about my 2/3rds turning into 1/3rd due to Geoff winning 11-1 and all that, didn't I tell you earlier I do not count my chickens until they hatch'' says Peter The Painter.
0ur opponents heart has gone out of the game realising they are 2 men short and All But Smithy continues his domination of the game ''Luke is touching beer'' snitches Princess Becka and All But Smithy is winning 17-2, Peter looks on annoyed that he is once again losing the sweep.
"Pull yourself together Geoff, you only got one'' yells a nearby Penfold who says he isn't serious anymore "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HIM THAT!" he says as I yell ''ALL BUT SMITHY'' its 20/2 to us... ''Drop the serious Penfold I just want to be plain "Penfold" '' he says.
It is measures at the end but All But Smithy winds up with a sweep winning 21/2 '' Unemotional Al is very aggressive ... ''says his wife who has come to pick him up, it is always the quiet ones you have to watch..
''He doesn't look the aggressive type" says Wonderwood Anyway we are qualified for The Yorkshire Cup winning the first match here we go The Year Of The Rabbit....
What about Sellers, well I hope to do another newsletter soon called ... ''The Land Of Confusion" But it was Cheesy's account of his first meeting with Capt. Morecambe that most amused me...
Cheesy started work a while before the redundancy days like most of us somehow survived them, he is a man of many talents, he build steam engines, writes material and takes photos that are bought over his Internet web site, there are in fact two identical Cheesy's one works in the third bay on Fred's old machine and the other works in the second bay but what puzzles me is that they are never present simultaneously anyway Cheesy had only been here a few months and it was Christmas and he was approached by Capt. Morecambe to bring his daughter along to the Sellers Kids Christmas party which Roy Wigglesworth plays the much loved "Father Christmas".
"I haven't been here so long yet, may be next year I will bring her" says Cheesy ''Come Along ... its a chance to get to know your fellow employees socially'' says Capt. Morecambe "Er I rather not I wouldn't feel comfortable, may be next year says Cheesy sheepishly" . ''You are part of our big family now and this is personal invitation '' says Capt. Morecambe who asks quizzingly "How old is she anyway?" ''Twenty two'' and a little to old for kids parties he fails to add. Captain Morecambe walked clearly not amused at this wind up.
"No Michael it is not a serious offence they just report you to The RSPCA for walloping the Balloon Warden '' says Aussie It has been a funny week, I did not see the Jedi Master from Tuesday until today when he woke me up to ask me why am I hiding "I am not hiding, I thought it was you who was hiding .. '' I say as I rub my eyes, I try to remember the events of the night before...
particularly the part When Hophead and Dominating Donna arrived and Forest was there but could I hell remember thc details except to say that Forest promptly vanished 10 minutes later...
A week when Captain Cack refused me a crack at playing in Sellers Premier Poole team, preferring to let a non sellers employee instead after saying I am simply not good enough to Cuz Wally when he was checking on the acidity of the recent downpour.
I try that Kate Bush round near the oldc builders hut but to no avail still the rain continues, I must be doing something wrong because the harshness of the monsoon actually increases, I run inside, Dripping Tap was a good Indian but he was never there and always deep in thought.
In the distance at this very minute there is a chimney falling down over Milnsbridge... ''You think they would do it at a time of say 6:20pm and sell tickets to watch and make a day of it'' says Poe as I enter Teletubbieland in search of Sophie...
Laa Laa says if he was a hawk... "He would fly towards the chimney, but see it all in slow motion since time for a hawk progresses miles more slowly. the hawk sees us all walking like at a microscopic pace compared to them, the fly sees at an even faster pace that is why it was a load of bollocks when Mr Myoyghi started catching fly's using forceps in Karate Kid'' And as if synchronostically Dipsy says ... "I am a snail and for me thankfully it is a short existence, time progresses very rapidly for me that I would not see the chimney exploding until it was too late, being a snail is a short fleeting consciousness, but a consciousness where we have all in the past experienced if only you could remembers These Teletubbies in Sellers Paint Shop are always out of it after being inhaling gun wash fumes all day, I used to in the past inhale petrol and this resulted in me having a near death experience at Pinderfields hospital, I am 33% burnt.
At the bowling match Thursday night I really enjoyed watching Thc Sellers Elite team be defeated 7/3 and watch Vador in action showing off his win of 21/3 "I came in my wives little car and not my new £ 17,000 Toyota'' "Did you Doug, I came in Numbnut's car because I get so pissed I cannot drive '' "I will probably miss a selection of the fixtures because me and the wife are off to Tenerife" ''How nice Doug, the furthest I am going this year is down by the canal with my Jedi Master'' ''Your Jedi what, why are you uttering such nonsense '' says Vador 'You should know, YOU ARE DARTH VADOR'' with this he walks away to talk to turtle-head the professional, Vador pulls himself up by pulling others down.
Who knows Sellers might win The Yorkshire Cup, keep all your minds positive and visualize winning it, I know I failed you losing 21/10 but I played to the best of my ability but could not compensate for the green keep speeding up.
I am Mad Mick a slightly psychic individual, I do not say I have Running Water at my disposal as a Red indian Spirit, but I do not doubt ''Dripping Tap" and his typing skills from "Planet Heaven" He guides my destiny and influences all the things I do.
Dripping Tap is my Red Indian Spirit Guide, and she is a woman. and she has been with me all my life, that is since conception where your soul enters the new life to come once again to terms with three dimensions.
Like A flame, like the wind ... the year of the rabbit continues and Sellers All Stars qualify for the Yorkshire cup... Which they will win! BX1F Bye...
6 winners each against Almondbury Con but we lose on aggregate 190/217 so 9/7 down to us..
We lost, but, never mind everyone enjoyed themselves.
I have just received a leaflet saying ''Vote John Mernagh, who is the only independent candidate for Deighton Ward, he says; Kirklees has highest rates in West Yorkshire.. '' Do they well I do not pay them after a very sloppy service is offered round where I live at Bradley in a council flat.
''The ward has the highest crime rate in Kirklees" don't you think I know that I was burgled twice in 1998 living at you said it number 98, during 1999 I have just had the outside light bulb nicked out of my outside light, the bastards prised open the glass cover, shame cos the bulb was shot.
"176 vacant properties in bracken hall = no rent + no rates" ,"A labour group prevented some councillor from attending a meeting because he was going to vote against them, the controlling Labour group do not allow a free vote on local issues and The Huddersfield Examiner no longer attends committee meetings'' It sums up by saying ''less than 25% of the electorate of Deighton bothered to vote '' I cause a stir this week at Sellers by putting the notice on the notice boards at Sellers and retitling it ''Reasons to say NO THANKS to paying council tax. legalized robbery".
It seems our old friend previously known as Jesus Christ Superstar or something now renamed ''Creeping Jesus" by Hamster Spring A Leak has crept back into the Sellers collective consciousness..
Wheelbarrow says "He has spoken to me a few times in the last twelve years'' when asked if he thought creeping Jesus was happy he said "difficult to say'' whilst scratching his ginger beard.
Mr Blobby our marker off at the place where I work. Sellers down chapel hill said "He used to work on the shop floor you know [Creeping Jesus] , I was the medicine man back in them days before Chiefy took over, Creeping Jesus somehow squashed his fingers in a vice '' ''He came up to me like a young puppy that you have just given a bollicking to and just showed me by raising his hand very slowly his bruised fingers" Anyway Aussie our well established Sellers Mag Administrator keeps trying to say ''hello'' to him and form some sort of ''conversation'' with him like he used to do with me when I was still in my shell..
''The lights are on but nobodies in you all used to say"
Laa Laa in Teletubbie land, our Paint Shop is the tribal elder for the department said that the only time Creeping Jesus has talked to him when he accidentally walked into the Paint Stores which Dipsy once crashed into ..
"I think he was looking for the exit and the building had just been built. he came back out about 5 minutes after he entered obviously in some sort of distress and said " How Do I get out ....."
It is now Wednesday night and I am enjoying The Jerry Springer show at the Jedi Masters Mad Dave Cleopatra, The Jedi Master, A Rolly Poly person, Alex and Claire were present.. I was drunk.
We all receive a Employee Handbook on Thursday at Sellers Rule #6.2 "Employees coming to work out of it are a threat to our business'' #6.7 Part (e) causes Pop to get a letter of his signed by his majesty Captain Beaky I do wonder if I should inform the Balloon Warden of my psychological condition regarding rule #3.3
Laa Laa says "Its the driver not the Sellers van that is responsible for accidents, we should be responsible forget about rule 6.2 for A MINUTE ... did you see that guy from the water works water divining with welding rods under the guidance of The Rainbow Warrior whilst looking for a water leak. He got a rollicking off Stroll On because he used more rods than The Chairman Of The Mass
Debating Society
we bowlers had all been given a ''Sellers'' hat and a tape measure off Captain Beaky, Stroll On saw Wonderwood with his new hat on and decided on a Sellers Tie off Captain who was seen by Li££le Tony "Snogging Oasis'' while he handed over a Sellers Pen.
Such was the popularity of interest amongst Ms fellow workers to "Wonderwoods dramatic return to bowling'' that The Tin Shop Poet and the Tobacco man hastily ordered promotion to the event with the ''Return Of Wonderwood" poster which was signed by the majority or his subordinates.
Ettie Wainthropp makes the final comment on Saturday morning at Sellers, he is our Fitting Shop Elder "I am not surprised you get toothache. its like Stonehenge in thur" I am on the green at the same time as my dad, christened by you all Wonderwood so I cannot comment on how he was playing I am playing Roger Lees and concentrating so hard that I am sweating, I have just heard my score shouted by the opponents marker... I am 18/7 up! now I have gone to pieces, nervousness dominates my conscious mind.. 18/9 18/11 18/12, 18/13... 19/13 Brilliant I've got the block back.. Oh shit I've bowled it off....
19/14 19/16 "Get that f..... get that block back MICK WAKE UP!!!" I pray silently for Dripping Tap my Red Indian spirit guide to help me 19/18... Please .. 19/19 "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN" I produce one perfect wood that almost touches the Jack everybody round the green is shouting but I cannon hear them the force is with me but Mad Mick has been booted out of his mind,...
Dripping tap knocks the Jack off at the uphill end of the green so he can bowl again the same mark and makes another bowl that is won after a measure and Mad Mick wins his first match in nearly two years... 21/19 .
I am now marking my supporter who told me to ''Wake Up! ! MICK'' Unemotional A1...
Alan is losing 6/10 and Cuz Wally is here with Angelica who is playing with Luke and Princess Becka, Cuz Wally says that he hasn't no rain to analyse so he is having a rest and Angelica said in thc car thc other day that I am a DOE-Brain.. "I couldn't tell her off because there was probably some truth in the statement'' he is sat with Peter The Painter our No2 and our new player who was in reserve Poe Anstock welcome to the team... Poe.
It is All But / All But to Penfold who came in a cowboy hat, Numbnuts is also on that score oh dear he lost after what my dad says was "A brilliant performance" at the same moment Penfold wins somewhat coincidentally with a win of 21/20 ''Get SHOUTING FOR ME.. DON'T STAND THERE LIKE A DICK" shouts UnemotionalAl who has become emotional so I need a new name for him..poor lad is 9/15 down and I marking his card had in my recent absent mindedness bad not noticed his decent into the black hole of lack of encouragement.
"Okay I will Alan... '' I shout... Al gets a two. its 11, Dripping Tap will you help me.. Al is knocked on its now 12... ''WELL BOWLED ALAN" I shout at the top of my breath and all the rest of our team and some of the opponents start taking notice of the match I am marking for, this added interest fuels the excitement" "Unemotional Al is now in the lead at 16/15... 17/15 ..... '' , "Just a little more in ... er... looks at the card he is marking for'' says one of our team as I walk by to follow Unemotional Al's bowls.... " ''WELL BOWLED!!!!!!!'' I literally SCREAM at the top of my lungs'' it is now 19/16 and still Unemotional Al lunges on.... he gains another two which was when I shouted and wins 21/16 I now have the card for the super star of the All Stars... Our Uncle Col, it is 4/2 up to our man and Unemotional Al thinks my Atomic Mountain bike looks... "Disgusting" , it is 8/8 and I think I have done quite enough of shouting and I think he is a little annoyed.. ''Same as I say, Same as I say Colin, its downhill this way" when I shouted this his opponent bowled same peg as Colin and bowled both his woods into the gutter and Col was in the lead 10/8, I shout anything that springs into my mind at uncle Col in encouragement, I start a one man war at encouraging my opponent, Lady Teaspoon seems to be keeping a eye on Luke and his best mate and her son Daniel.
It is 16/10 to Colin and by now he is the last man on and all the team is offering encouragement except Tonto The Lone Ranger who is shouting sarcastically ''Come On Almondbury" he is worried about losing the sweep. All But Smithy is All But something somebody shouts..
''You don 't have to sympathize with him, Stewart!... another one to our man has our opponents marker runs out of steam shouting at his bowler", it is 18/11 to Uncle Col.
Uncle Col goes on to win 21/13 and thankfully Tonto won the sweep now follows a leaflet from the Michael Party with my letter to the Council Tax people...
We had 7 winners to their 5, we won on aggregate 206/189 so we win 7+2 (most winners) + 2 (aggregate) = 11/5, What a team.
We The undersigned members of Sellers Sorts & Social club wish to express our concern at the way in which the bowling side is selected. Peter Schofield (who is also known as Wonderwood due to his achievement in the sport of bowling) has been dropped from the team for the week before this Sat
6:30p.m. unti18:30p.m 
