NZ20XR (1st February 1999) After a beer on the canal bank on Monday morning I arrive at Sellers at quarter to seven, Tinky Winky was very shocked by my presence at such an early hour, I informed him I had weed the bed.
I salute the Great One and try and talk to him but, I am , informed by the Incredible Hulk, "You Listen to The Great One but do not talk to him ''. Windows says a certain person in the office, the brains of Sellers, have certain equipment for detecting smells so he uses the back exit so his fish and chips odour goes unnoticed. I have just been to Yorkshire bank and queued up for ages for a measly £ 6, "How would you like that sir? '' says the cashier but I am not easily embarrassed. 'You haven't Clocked in', broadcasts for me to inform me that I failed to clock out Saturday dinnertime, however it was the schizophrenic clocks that were to blame having jumpedd back four minutes when I clocked out she says I must inform The Balloon Warden of the error.
"Yer Yer, Yer" Psycho has given us one of his rare visits and Tinky Winky is informing me he is a bit concerned because his break light bulb has ended its life and he is a bit concerned about how to fit a new one. Laa Laa tells me of the adventures of a ex-employee called Shaky. . .
"Shaky would make your dad Wonderwood look still, and he bought this grow bag but another Sellers Ex-employee put some holes in it, by the time Shaky had carried the grow bag to the clocking in machine it was practically empty and there were trails of compost all over the place '' It is Tuesday morning and Magic-man is telling me about a TV program the night before. It was about the l 947 Boswell incident when some aliens crash landed somewhere in the United states and the event was covered up by the government who probably are by now the aliens in question.
There are 1000,000,000,000 stars in our galaxy and the same number of galaxies in the whole observable Universe so of course them is life out there but it is probably hiding from us until we all mature as a whole. The universal constants of nature are fine tuned to make life possible.
A Catastrophe has occurred in the Machine Shop, the profiles that form the drive for the stentor have mismatching teeth because they are rather innacurately flame cut across at Broad bents and Chiefy thinks they should be Water-cut.
''They should water-cut them the silly b*stards we only took them across there because it was another bottle of Whisky for Darth Vador at Christmas", What is Water cutting I ask Chiefy... . .
''You silly c**t, you p*ss on the profiles from a great height but you have to be accurate, and even this is more accurate than Broad bents flame cutter no wonder that Stentor over in Ireland keeps jumping and the silly w*nkers here will not listen '' I am still unconvinced about this so called water coming but I was nonetheless rather intrigued so I went to see an expert on cutting metals , Mr Barny Rubble in bay three of the tin-shop.
''Oh yes there is plasma cutting where the very molecules and atoms are broken into their fundamental particles, protons, neutrons and electrons (actually it is ions and electrons) it does not matter where the source of atoms comes from, be it water or oxygen, there is also laser cutting that uses photons all at the same energy both are far far more accurate than flame cutting.. '' "It has always been done this way" comments Stroll On.
Ratchet Jaw 4 3/4 comments that every fitter in the fitting shop spends on average two hours per day moving stuff around such it the lack of space at the moment.. Lada From Barnsley takes up the matter now for me... "It is like musical chairs but without the chairs or the music. we all feel a little like torville and dean or ants in an ants nest, somettmes patience is a little strained'' It is Tuesday afternoon and I am walking back down from town with Laa Laa, I inform him I have just been to the bank for a fiver from my other account and to the library after getting another threatening letter from the council who says they are taking me to court about a video which I have not returned. The library say they have been discussing the matter with my insurance and have come to a mutual understanding but have been unable to reach the councils computers with the inf.
"Dealing with computers is like reaching Ettie Wainthropp '' says Laa Laa.
Oasis tells me . . . ''You can always see how well your body chemistry is working when you go to the toilets for a poo, if the turds float you are well but if they sink you are not well. ''
I am talking to Mr Amway about my brush with the Amway experience, which I have to admit gave me a lot of confidence where I previously had none and there principles for success are like laws of nature and applicable anywhere in the world with any project I am no longer ''in'' Amway but I learned a very lot about myself from there IBS training program we are all like frightened kids in a big big world and are natural scared of something different.
We are some of us like super rats after consuming large quantities of poison but it seems a Bradley character called Space-man takes the buiscut after consuming 12 cans of super-strength lager and then pawning his camera to my dad Wonderwood to get a tenner for some more
I am now reading a book about Morpho-genetic fields it is called Beyond Supernature by Lyall Watson and will be available at Huddersfield Library when I have finished with it. It explains a lot of the effects of the strange quantum theories effects on real life.
In a part of Africa it was found that a lot of healthy antelope were dying unexpectedly after large fences were put into effect segregating land. It seems the plants and indeed all plants if attacked too often increased the amount of poisons into their leaves A plant may not be able to ran away but because it is fixed has a lot of senses be its immidiate environment. It is claimed to be able to detect the emotions of humans and I think is much more in tune with the force and that is why it is good for you to go hug a tree when times are hard Bob Crowthers funeral. .
I announce to Aussie that I am going to pay my respects because I thought Bob was a decent guy. he was our Ex Father Christmas and put a joy into many a sad heart.
"They are a dead loss are funerals you will have to get your hat surgically removed first" All the old fossils were there wondering who would be next. Penfold was cold because he came without a coat and even Darth Vador enquired about my wellbeing. he only just managed the effort to talk to scruffy me however.
There was a good speech put on by the Church person or whatever they are called the poem about Cowcliffe was good and gave me a vision of times long past and we all said the lords prayer a prayer I use often in times of desperation we then sung one ef those nutty hymns It was called "The lord giveth earth his light'' I hid my scruffy presence between two Sellers Ex Employees called from the bowling names in the All Stars as peter The painter and Goldenwood .
Peter did not have the same hymn as me on page 88 and was obviously singing something different lt is the second time I have seen Psycho in one week I thought as The Balloon Warden sped back to sellers tailed by Captain Beaky and Captain Morecambe who overtook us and jumped two red lights even The Balloon Warden who had earlier commented it was lucky he was not carrying the coffin looked shocked at their terrible driving.
It is Thursday morning and what is all this weighing things remarks Penfold we have all received another Progress report now that the management have discovered we can all read.
May's Yard in English is Bay 2 of the Tin Shop which will soon be the home of the relocated Lost World maybe a new world will be discovered by the collective tin-shop masses and give Mr Amways an outlet to practice his Jedi like skills.
In the news-letter from our three directors no mention is made of the end of the world predicted by Cuz Wallys mum. get all your holidays before September says Mr Blobby.
''How long is a piece of string... twice half its length, it is all theory with you University guys'' ''Well you said you wanted a long (weight) '' remarks Grumpy Granville to his boss Onslo when I finally arrive with a weight weighing 50kg +/- 20g which I have spent all morning making.
"I thought you were craning up your bowling bag'' shouts Magic man to Onslo while the weight is transferred to The Live Wires for stress testing things.
Bloody Hell I keep falling over these lengths of 80mm diameter that I have somehow transported back to my flat, I have just been to the door and it seems somebody has been shot anyway back to the story...
AD RENT A CROWD Chiefy & The balloon Warden official mourners club We will cry for anybody and adjust £ 15 per hour we have good rates too...
It is revealed by Wonderwood my dad who regards me as his biggest mistake of his life..
''There are some sad people who scan the arbitrates daily to make it a job of theres to attend funerals and enjoy themselves with the free food and beer at the p*ss up afterwards'' It is Friday dinnertime and I am having a pint and a game of killer darts with David Beckham and C3PO (our new apprentice not in Who's Who), Lady Penelope has kindly given me a pound after I asked for my 60p back off Magicman. It seems Ettie Wainthropp has been banned.
It is Friday night and I am as usual up at my friend Hop-heads who is cohabiting with Pud's sister Dominating Donna who has a child to my brother Forest called Dominating Becka and another to Hop-head called My Boy Cory.
I drop Luke off here because it is neutral territory for Lukes mum, Pud and her partner Zooming Jason to come and pick him up, there is a crisis at the moment as Pud and Donnas sister Rentagob is having a yo-yo with her boyfriend The Knight Rider, they have a new born daughter called Chelsea..
Hop-head comments on his situation ''When you reach the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on!''.
It is Saturday morning after numerous joints.. "The Universe is speeding up, I have found over 42 supernovas in the last five years that are 20% fainter than they should be '' says Laa Laa.
Poe says ''it seems the road to god is via football Glen Hoddle is rapidly approaching his enlightenment with the statement ' cripples are the way they are because of evil deeds in a past life' it seems he is following the path of a controversial chap called David Hicke '' Mr Happy was chased out of the paper shop by Ettie Wainthropp and Cheesy reveals we will be back on schedule when all the clocks recognise the date as 1900 in 300 & odd days.
Mother care are sponsoring our brown smocks management course remarks Aussie and Dynamic Dave is finishing off Capt. Xerox's propeller so that he can go fishing this afternoon.
Poe makes the final comment for the week as I leave Saturday and tell him that I am having a A.R.
Jones Cornish pasty from Thomas's for my dinner before I become The Pied Piper of Bradley..
''Those Cornish pasties should carry an health warning they are very addictive '' I set the saw up on Super-speed for Born 2B Wild's turn on the saw next week as instructed by my Jedi Master who is very happy to help Sellers with any advice it needs.
Saturday afternoon is always a very hectic time for me, my parents Wonderwood and Battyeford Lill come to visit, Dominating Becka is dropped off by Hop-Head and Luke is dropped off by Pud and Zooming Jason and usually Pointed Sarah and Laughing Laura arrive.
We all go on a walk to the river swing with a new addition to our get together; Laura's brother Mr Spok, we are met at echo beach by our Jedi master. Echo beach is on the river Calder at the back of the cornmill night-club.
Saturday night is spent with a visit by Dominating Donna, Hop-head, Aunty Rentagob and her daughter Chelsea and others present are Emma, Pointed Sarah and Laughing Laura oh yes and of course Luke.
Hop-head says he is still at the bottom of that rope but I assure him that his sisters spirit is still helping him this makes pointed Sarah cry because Gillian is also her mum and has joined the afterlife after very uncertain and strange events.
Sunday and me and Luke go on a father and son ride on our bikes mine called Atomic and his called Christine down to Bradley Wreck (Bradley term for the park) so Luke can learn to fall off his new bike. I am joined by my Jedi Master who has dropped Cleopatra off.
We go for a ride towards Echo Beach but Luke repeatedly falls off and at one point did a somersault when steering off the ''black track'' near Mary-Ann's Garden Now I am back at my flat after a lovely dinner made by my wonderful mum who I think is wiser than my dad emotionally, it is really hard to get to know your parents properly when you are their offspring and the paternal bond is still present.
Pud is looking very well despite being pregnant to another child. Maybe as I sit here in front of my computer and recollect last weeks events I feel a peace and guiding influence in my mind I have never previously known.. NZ20XR JEDI MICHAEL PUBLICATIONS 1999 1/2/99
Cuz Wally's 32nd Birthday this morning and Cuz Wally and Hamster Spong A Leak is complaining bitterly that Mystic is after him concerning someones news-letter "1 am not talkl~ to you anymore", says Hamster Spring A Leak, but he has talked to me more this week than he ever has. ~
Sorry.
I am in trouble for nicking the Knight Riders trainers and in even bigger trouble for robbing his mums washing line. A Policeman has just been to see me it seems I did a Popeye and simply lost my consciousness to an evil spirit after consuming too much alcoholic spirit.
Sorry .
I am told off by The Balloon Warden for fetching The Weird & Wobblies guards back from Computer Cabinets on the last day before Easter "I would of left them there but they insisted 1 take·them with me even though 1 stressed 1 wasn't prepared for them. 1 should of left them there but they said they had no room, so 1 did my best to secure them with rope and plastic and drove at 15m.p.h. back on Manchester Road causing other motorists to become severely frustrated" Mad Mick
Thank you Dripping Tap who is a woman for my explanation.
Sorry.
"This is my moment" has been revealed to be this weeks number one.
The Giants Triffid has grown again another 4 ft since I last saw it and the Giant has even given his Trlmd a stick to grow up so that it is given a opportunity to live {I must apologise for having pissed
on my notes at Jhe Knight Riders House last week}. .'
Li££le Tony says "The CNC at Sellers seems to be causing a few problems as of late, after one screen was on the machine in the first place was re soldiered subsequently blew up, so they came with another which subsequently set on fire. A Third has now been transplanted to the'\(fl fated CNC and
the writing has gone all wonky go and have a look Mick "
Two men are now looking perplexed at the damned screen with all the computer FORTRAN info sloping at an angle and two guys are stood here wondering why I am looking at the screen so long but drinking coffee and discussing last nights ar~~:Mrs. ".
Li££le Tolljoays "Here about.Mr Happy semling;!it#iiu:reJu'islmtls ctU4CJhat-COSlme buying ~-- '~ .. a pint on the good olde Yuletide Selten n-tJte~cer.~(iwJSH--
provide me with the cash for it""SliurUp MactMick..... Dripping Tap!'
Listen I know Mad Mick treads a fine line and I know there is a risk with anything .
creative or different............. "It is hell down here There MUST be something after it or
........ well we all might as well... er... commit suicide" Alright Oasis!
When I am feeling weak and I walk up that lonely street and is met by adversity I look above for
support because I do believe that when our time has come it has come, If They must kill me they will
but I will stand up the humiliation to the end when I have to call back to my Angels .
. I was met with a test probably set by the Jedi Master or was it?
Magic man says as a peace offering gesture I should offer the All Stars bowling jumper to The Knight Rider for robbing him of his shoes and his mums washing line I should say .... "here Anthony but do not hang it out on the line their are right thieving bastards round here"
Pop says .... " here do you know 1 knew a guy {then does a little dance} ... This mate of mine nicked a car to do something instead of been hanging around on't streets, he threw the laundry basket that was in the passenger seat out oftlie window as ffe-di'o.ve.owaJI- .•. H-
I Went to see the poor guy in court {who's name cannot be revealed due to legal reasons} and he wept bitterly as he was sent down for theft of .. ')1 Motor Vehicle and 3 pairs of ladies knickers, .7 designer top quality 40 billion DDDDDD bras that beats the Daily Sports record, 26 pairs of mans top quality designer underpants with padding to give extra bulginess ... 1 wont go on ... " .
We are at The Jedi Masters nightly bonfire.... "She Is UGLY" is said to me by someone .. how can anyone judge a book by its mere cover! I mean does a pretty cover to a book usually mean any depth to
the reading..... think about it!
"I .... 1 have just been to er ... apologise to The Knight Riders Mum for my stupid activities during the Easter Holidays, 1 nicked her duvet off her washing line, It must of been something to take the pain
til
away .. through the window ... I managed somehow to let her receive The Knight Riders new all star'
·bowling shirt"
After this we had a mad night at the back of The Jedi Masters house until 20 past one in the morning and I enjoyed myself so much that I forgot I had chronic toothache until I got home ... "It is now 6:08 am and I have not had any sleep due to chronic toothttc;he but I cannot afford to go to the dentist, I have a large pair of pliers now wedged on my offending tooth but it keeps slipping off the tooth as there is nothing left to grip on to due to previous attempts" {Mad Micks consciousness is hurting him
Dripping Tap} . .
First conversation goes something like this on Thursday Morning "Petrol has gone up gradually in four stages to a further 1 Op a litre" It does not affect me though Born 2B Wild I pedal a machine
where you are its engine., .
"Yes it does still effect you, the price of everything goes up because it largely all haS to transported
by a petrol or diesel engine, except perhaps kids on paper rounds" .'
Why can't Lady Iron come in on Tuesday and not just press that button that says transferto BACs computer {or maybe pull a lever Dripping Tap!} all she would have to do was pop in.for a minute and press the button or failing that leave some mechanism with a weight poised above the offending button {or lever} triggered for the desired time span.
Dipsy reveals "It still takes three days to cash a cheque during these advanced technological times because they make £900 per million pound transaction, but will not reveal who "they" are? Captain Xerox says "subtle" ... "SUBTLE" ... that is hardly the tongue in cheek way you have promoted your birthday using the Nuffield Beumont Cup Fixtures lists but it did make me laugh because I erupted allover the master copy.
Tlte Balloon Warden says "Michael ... ifwe do not keep our heads above the water we will start sinking, we are now drowning due the progress having suffered a massive water teak ... " I cannot remember that bit ... er ... Dripping Tap?
I Ask Our Medicine Man; Chiefy ... "Have you got some paracetomol for this toothache"... "If I only even gave you eight I would have it on my conscious that I could kill somebody who has got his calories from beer for too much of the time and too little to eat .... "
"Why do you think I am trying to commit suicide" I reply, "If I thought that I would give you the bloody lot" says Chiefy in his characteristic way.
With a visit to The Knight Riders Thursday Night. . .'
To Whom It May Concern from The Knight Rider and Popeyes brother ...
"Regarding the1!\atter of Popeye, my brother been banned, we have still no proof. I can for a meeting to be held in The Sellers Social Club on Saturday 17th of April, so that we can regard this matter in front of Popeye himself and we would like all to be present if appropriate, and we would like to speak our case, finally the matter of me not playing officially in the first match of the season I consider it a gross insult"
After a night at the Knight Riders making a big apology it is Friday morning ... "The Knight Rider thinks Laa Laa is a right fluky bastard, the shirts are shit and Numbnuts is a right cunt putting him in reserve with Wonderwood on the first match of the season"
Captain Cack was about to approach Joe Pasqali because he was so '" happy from the night before that he had forgotten he had fallen out with him ... says David Beckham.
I am in the pub with David Beckham and he is buying me a birthday pint and half ... Thanks Man! Joe Pasquali has never fallen out with me is because he has never really made friends with me and connected to another perhaps boring and "couldn't be arsed" consciousness.
"The only time you come to work pissed every day was that day last week when you come to work sober" Thanks Aussie if you can't laugh at yourself how can you laugh at anybody else.
"Look at that crow" Shouts The Jedi Master "It is the front runner chasing a flying ostridge followed by all its mates" We are down at outside Careys Grans depicts Cleopatra, We are now at the "Swans" at the confluence of the CoIne and the Calder where a miniature volcanic island has erupted.
Me, The Jedi Master and Cleopatra are feeding an imaginary swan ...
It is Friday night and Luke is promoted to Jedi Luke by The Jedi Master, but, I must remain Mad Mick until I can improve on my recent behaviour this results- in Luke bossing me around has we rode our bikes up Bradley Road "It has just been revealed that I pissed in The Knight Riders Chair".
"Do You Believe In Life After Love" is endlessly repeated up at Hopheads ....
It is Saturday Morning ....
"Hey do you know, this saw we name Growler is a bit of an antique" says The Balloon Warden "but, the / must add have lasers cutting through bar in microseconds but they would not fit in with the atmosphere of the Progress so there isn't much chance of them folks plus they cost millions"
"When visitors came round it would look ridiculous at the sight of Mad Mick keeping up with '" but, it is good enough for us, it would not really fit in If(ith our style"
It is my anniversary of spending three decades in tliis "Mad Mick" incarnation and people around the
work have many comments but I am very tired... '
"I still feel like when I was J 5 now I am 42" Laa Laa
"Watch that you do not bum yourself on the candles on your cake" Follickly Challenged "How old do you really feel?" asks someone "About 5" I reply
But it was Dipsy who-gave the most moving rendition of my life "Michael yousincerely have took the scenic route through your thirty years of existence, most of us take the motor-ways but, you seem to enjoy exploring the back streets
Mad Mick, Numbnuts and Wonderwood are now playing bowls at Greenhead Park, and Jedi Luke and Princess Becka are playing in the bushes nearby but Wonderwood is worried about them "Look at that silly old cunt he is talking to himself' says Wonderwood father to son like "Dad calm down he just has a mobile phone"
"Wonderwood couldn't get more than halfway across the green in length and so bad was the shaking
. of his hand the it depended weather my dads brain rould home in on the phase which his hand would be in before he could release his bowl"
My mum arrived shortly to look after Luke and Becky with a coat as my birthday present she gave sarcastic comments at her husbands bowling to the extent he had to give up.
We then all us kids have a play on the swings, me and Luke enjoyed the slide and the climbing frame, Luke enjoyed the swings and Becky very much enjoyed bossing me around.
We happened to see a statue from back in the Boer wars, in Greenhead Park and this resulted in endless history off my daddy about happenings 70 years before I was born.
Battyeford Lill my good mum is now trying the door of the rain forests building before establishing it has been closed down.
When we all finally arrived back at my flat I noticed that somebody has nicked my outside light bulb by prising open the outside light from this point on I will make a pledge with the council that no further council tax will be laid until! am rehoused in a more quieter area of Bradley
And another letter to the council tax called The Underdog Wins will be soon sent but I don't think I will let it be in big circulation along with "Letter 2 RO 4".
The Jedi Master invited me and Luke down to his kingdom to enjoy the outback and also my third decade birthday. but, I knew that Hop head and Dominating Donna were due at my house so I decided to go up there to the suburban jungle to greet them and then bring them down to The Jedi Master.
By the time Hop head had arrived at the Jedi Masters he was totally wrecked, Hop head subsequently nicked one of my cans of super despite it being my birthday when your friends actually buy you a few, but This Is Bradley.
Next Thing and Oh No Hop-head's mind is possessed of the nearby spirit of The Spaceman who is subconscious behind closed doors behind Hophead but is able to overcome the spirit of his drunkenness.
Me and Luke decided to stay at The Jedi Masters despite Hophead and Dominating Donnas quick disappearance but not after buying me Chicken and Chips worth £4 from the Bradley Take Away. As the night wears down at The Jedi Masters, it is decided that we should go into The Jedi Masters kitchen and watch Rhinos have sexon The Jedi Masters TV.
After The Facts Of Life and the details of baby production Luke fell asleep ...
And Jedi Training started ... "A Jed; has no inhibitions, ifhe believes he is in the right he will never back down, Luke will copy the way you behave so it is my job to create the perfect role model for Luke to follow, / Am The Jedi Master ... "
A Really excellent night of contracting dreams occurred between me and my son in one of The Jedi Masters many bedrooms, this allowed me to awake at 20 past eleven and we were both rewarded with coffee and toast before we went home.
I have arrived safely back at my flat after a eventful week but it was tonight that alarmed my consciousness for the first time that we are all collectively losing it.
I believe the "it" we are all losing being Dripping Tap is our connection to theforce, our ability to help each other, when you help another human being without any expectation' of rtlVard is what we all require You need to recognize that we are all part of each other, we have one rehersal how we perform is determined by how much we learn (NZR34RR Tel Hudd 54)
We lost against top of the league 'Hemplow B' 5 winners to there seven, we lost on aggregate so lost overall 11/5, I did terrible and have completely lost the force as my ally
Sarcasm it seems is the lowest form of humour but the highest form of wit, an example, well Winston Churchill was in the house of commons gabbling the usual garbage that M.P's constantly give out and Lady Speaker says "You are drunk" , not to be beaten Churchill replies with wit "You are ugly and I will wake in the morning sober but you madam speaker will still be ugly"
Letter To The Force:
I ask the great unseen healing force to remove all obstnlctions fro", my mind and body and restore my dad Wonderwood to perJed health. I ask this in all sincerity and honesty and I will do my part.
I ask the great unseen healingforce to help both present and absence ones who are in need of help ad restore them to perJed health.. I pili my trllSt before I start this story or piece of garbage in the love and power of God. •••
I have not eaten for fourteen days and the fasting in process of 37 hours is beginning to make me feel weak, Aussie tried to force a chicken samie down me the other day and Follickly Challenged gave me some batter with no fish inside but other than that I have not eaten in protest about the Council Tax I am paying .. as I write this my stomach is aching after I have consumed another six egg samies after Rainbow Warrior {Mike Smith's guardian angel} gave me 12 eggs, thank you at least somebody cares.
It is Wednesday morning and the Police are here again at Sellers, it seems that another jet wash has vanished from across the road I immediately ask Magic man for a quote regarding the incident..
"1 now have a surplus of Jet wash na'er mind its just a pea in the ocean to them"
I have been having problems with insomnia after giving up drinking and eating, I confide in my boss Tile Balloon Warden about my insomnia... "Sleep close to the side of the bed, Michael and you will soon drop off' this is a typical reaction to my situation ..
NO Clarky, I mean Dipsy, memories are not stored in your brain, ask that famous neuro-surgeon Roger Penrose, the brain is just a kind of receiver "Ok Michael my brain thinks Michael Schofield and I think Lunatic a picture of this gormless looking idiot comes to mind"
OK Clarky think of coming to Sellers, you must admit you act different, everybody does, they are responding to the collective thought atmosphere or consciousness.
What is Mad Mick doing today at work well he is stock taking... 20 Copies of The Daily Express, 1 obsolete foreman, 4 Bawwies, oh no I have counted him four times,. 7 Out of date but unpaid Council Tax Bills, 2 sets of Sellers Bowls and last but not least 1 mouldy pot noodle .. I am hungry I wonder if mould gets you high ...
Cuz Wally is now telling me about the Welfare state costing apparently £100 Billion, now listen Alan, in Britain with a population of say 60 million there might be 5 million dependants, so do they all receive 100,000 million / 5 million = £20,000 per annum ... No they might be lucky to get a quarter the rest goes on beuracrasy, so don't tell me about spongers.
Stock Taking to Bradley .. OOPS Stock Taking has made me feel very figure oriented, and I am starting to catch up with my bills but this does mean food is a luxury, and two of my bikes have punctures and I cannot afford a puncture outfit.
But at least The Rainbow Warrior cares about me so much that he has just bought me a dozen eggs, he says that he really enjoyed my last story "The Days After I Nearly Died" I guess I must of felt a little nostalgic writing that part of my incarnation for you all to laugh about.
I beg my boss The Balloon Warden to borrow £1 for a puncture outfit but without the cash he jokes "I cannot manage it, we are on a flat week" thankfully my mate Born 2B Wild lends me the dosh so travel home for another night in the suburban jungle with my dozen eggs
After fixing both bikes I had 5egg samies then read a book I had got from the library about local railway lines in the Jungle, it seems there are a lot less nowadays than there used to be .. then I thought why should I make myself crazy about things I can do nothing about. .. a disembodied voice materialised in the Jungle or in my mind and said .. "So what man's life is full of moral amblguities" J do not know what the spirits meant so I wrote it down in my notes.
It is Wednesday morning and good old Mr Blobby jokes ... "The end of the world has been brought forward to the last day in June, that is, tonight after Coronation Street"
The Arbiter appears with Barry Sheene to check on my first stock take, see if you can beat last years record when Born 2B Wild somehow lost £3000, the arbiter said F**k that to counting the 1/8 x 1/2 even after I offered him a step ladder during the period when Mr Boon aka Barry Sheene was answering a telephone call, posh b*stard didn't want his hands mucky.
"Are you from the government" I ask him but he is sworn to secrecy, upon the encouragement of the newly returned Mr Boon he checks the inch diameter ground bar, this was worked out by him as 4853 ins and I had 10 inch down, no only joking I had a surprisingly accurate 4858 ins.
Mr Boon and his arbiter {secret government spy} seemed happy with my accuracy because he gave me a pat on the back and said "Mr Blair Will be happy with you my friend .. a proper slave .. to the system .. you ought to a leaf out of your unemployed Jedi Masters Books occasionally" ... This astonished me because he knew all about Mad Mick sad ba*tard. .. He then continued on his Tour Of Sellers.
Questions & Answers from Daily Mail on June 30th 1999 page 45 ..
Q Will I get tI windftlll if I il1If in tI 001IIJHIIfY pensio" scheme ,."" by Scottish WU/OWS
A NO, it is the trustees who are colUlted tIS members of Scottish Wu/ows tIIId so they get the windfalL, but, they are expected to ,.einvest it in the scheme for 1II01'e in.{. ctIll 08453787878
1 am asked to advertise this by our fellow employee called Oasis who is a voice for the working man but he thinks my unemployed Jedi Masters are lazy ....
"Well your mate is just a lazy sod, refusing a job at John Cottons"
"Yes but Peter, he sees me going to work and he observes the fact that he is financially better off, why should he want to go to work all day?"
''It is capitalism that causes unemployment but New Labour want to blame the individual, they are human beings like workers but, perhaps, just not that stupid"
Alright Oasis stop stressing me but he is replaced with Mr Blobby who shares my previous enthusiasm for Physics ... "Do you know, Mad Mick 1 was reading somewhere that we live in a ten dimensional Universe, but. in the beginning six of the dimensions somehow curled up into a little ball but. they are all around us these six dimensional balls and I believe that this is where the mind lives in this incarnation.
This news Michael is red hot from the frontiers of Physics which my son is taking he is a Professor and he is only 12. it is a result of the final unification of General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics"
Cuz Wally wishes to teU us all that Sellers have finally signed up for the BaIsan Job but they haven't put pen to paper yet ... so what have they done chiselled it in stone a snip at 800 grand.
I do not know how to report this before I start work on the bowling but, Ettie Wainthropp seems to be throwing a lot of strange accusations about his men and if I put these into words about carrier bags and cubicles I would be sued so I ask Lada From BarnsJey to explain ...
''.4 man in his position should not be coming out with things like what he is saying ... but •.... I am surprised. about his knowledge of what the homosexual community get up to in public toilets"
Oh My God I am now bowling once again and after not writing about it for so long or playing with them so long they seem to have lost their will to live, I know it was heavy at Skelmanthorpe ~ this is ridicuJous my bowls were barely reaching halfway across the green.
I retire back to my seat next to my parents having lost 21/2, evetybody asks me where the fu*k is my force this week but, Penfold comments "you are one more than me Michael"
he is busy playing against his opponent ...
somebody shouts "Yes John but. at least theres still hope"
Tonto tells me that the guy bowling against Peter The Painter is 'cobbing' them a method of release of woods that Wonderwood should experiment with, "Its not slow its dead" shouts Peter The Painter to a newly arrived Uncle Col.
"1 set of same as I say early .. yes early but I got stuck behind some cows. and s. sss same as I say I arrived late" says Uncle Cot to anybody eavesdropping
"I like your excuses Colin. but, I don't know where you dream them up" replies Roy before Colin comes to tell me something ...
"That guy who played you plays for the A team. that is why he buggered off so quick, so he could play for them. you should look his name up in the examiner and same as I say complain"
Tonto is taking on an ex-Sellers Patriot called 'P Fuller'
Tonto is straight into a 7/0 lead using his lett hand advantage but sadly he has just lost the jack to Fuller and it is 7/1, it is now 16/5 to Tonto and me and my dad ask ourselves just how did he get two?
It is now 19/7 to Tonto who I somehow beat in our singles knockout on 13th June, don't ask me how I did it, maybe the force was with me, but, Tonto wants the sweep .. "What is the sweep winners score Michael?" .... "21/9 to Coach I answer after consulting my notes" ...
Sadly or happily Tonto goes on to win 21/10.
If you want to experience the force while out there playing bowls do not hesitate to put your names down on the notices that witt be appearing around the works regarding our annual pairs competition, this will take place on Wonderwoods 62nd Birthday i.e. 8th August 1999 that is 3 days before the eclipse.
Listen dad when somebody shouts your name it boosts your confidence my dad answers explaining his psychology to you aiL. ''It doesn't me! I just feel nervous because they are watching me!"
I have run out of things to say now, this is not normal, I hope Sellers realise the effort that I put into these stories and I hope they know I cannot simply stop or the vacuum would consume me.
There is too few people now-adays that will break free from the brainwashing we all receive a little of but the higher you go up the corporate ladder the more you need to receive, I know this now I am no longer stupid, the question is how is the government supposed to get rid of me?
I know they could hire a crack sniper to shoot me when I am bowling but this would cause an out-ery amongst my fellow bowlers, they could perhaps shoot me in the street but the Shop Front Crew and my Jedi Masters would continue my quest.
In short there is now easy way to eradicate goodness from The Universe, I maybe easy to destroy but the goodness will live on, it is simply a force of nature.
The Force as you will probably be wOndering is an infinitely powetful mind and this is what our minds are fragments of, through our experiences we build on to this mind our lessons that we have learned during this incarnation, which is what we require as training before we enter the six curled up dimensional existence of the spirit world .. here space is everywhere
Hi ! I am Hamster Spling-A-Leak and I am the first person you would meet when entering the machine shops wooden doors.
When Chiefy my boss is not watching I like to play with my collection of toys I keep getting inside my kinder surprises. I work (sometimes) on the big miller and my machine is right next to Dynamic Dave's drill - I like Dynamic Dave - he is my friend.
Another good friend I have in Bay 1 of the Machine Shop where I live is David Beckham.
David Beckham danced to ''Ring, Ring -A- Roses'' at Meditation's 50th birthday celebration party with a little girl, the little girl said David's dancing was rubbish.
David (who did not come on his bike on Monday but was dropped off outside the gates in an a secret black Astral) works a great big lathe but is always making great big cock ups and Chiefy our boss sometimes gets very cross with him.
Also working in my bay is Li££le Tony who likes to work out in the gym when he is not at Sellers. I swapped one of my kinder surprise toys with Tony today for a toy I had not yet got.
Our Play group leader is called Wally and he looks after the key for the toy box; Wally really frightened me today because he said ''Mother Hubbed'' or somebody like that says the world is ending next year and only Sellers will survive.
Also in Bay 1 there is Oasis, we call him this because he has the same surname as the lead singers who make up that pop-group. Oasis didn't in the past talk very much but he seems to be coming out of his shell a bit recently and sometimes you can understand what he says.
My best friend works in the far corner of Bay 1 on the C.N.C's and is called Joe Pasquali because his voice is really squeaky. Joe is 26 today and all the Play group are going round to his house tonight to have some Ice Cream and Jelly. I cant wait.
Mr Happy is today painting the white lines all over the machine shop and is a bit pissed off I think because he shouted at me when I asked him if he was painting the lines in the car park.
There isn't much work in the Machine shop at the moment and when its like this Chiefy always gets very cross if you stand around talking, it is strange you would expect him to get very cross if you stood around talking when it was busy? still that's Sellers.
In the second bay on the big planer is Aussie and he never talks to me, so I never talk to him.
Aussie has just come back to work after being off sick after catching a bug off Chiefy and he has been in a bad mood with Chiefy because Chiefy is paid when he is off sick but Aussie isn't.
When I go home I like playing with my Play-station, both me and Captain Cack (who works in Bay 3) have got play-stations and we like to talk about all the games we play and sometimes we even swap games.
Captain Cack sometimes takes us all out to the pub and we all buy him drinks and talk about working at Sellers and all the fun we have, we also talk about girls.
I wonder what toy I will get in my kinder surprise tomorrow, I have still got that little sunflower to called, you know the one that you have to slot together, sometimes I have to get Captain Cack to put them together. lf he cannot do it I usually ask our play group leader Wally.
I like The balloon Warden, he works down in the Progress with that wild guy and another very strange guy who says he is a Jedi and can use the force.
The Balloon Warden is always kind and nice to me unlike Chiefy who sometimes shouts at me and makes me frightened, this is usually when he has lost a big bet at the bookies.
The only other person I have not mentioned is Cheesy because he is like Aussie and doesn't talk to me very much.
Sunday night I had a dream I was at Sellers walking through Teletubbie land, Laa Laa was busy as usual in his spray booth and Tinky Winky was tinkling around somewhere)l;td sent Poe to Coventry, but, I knew I was dreaming because all the rest of the painters were wearing overalls and Dipsy was
totally in the nood. .
I am no longer taking Prozac, I had a small dose over the festive season but have not gone back for any more, I only use it when things are really bad, but using it unnecessarily is like wearing a coat in the house, when you go out into the cold you no longer feel its benefit.
4Il\1agicman has had to use the drug after his fright last week caused by him upsetting Numbnuts.
We have a new Tin Shop apprentice called "Nervous Breakdown" after working with The 168 hour man last week, The 168 hour man has fallen to number 2 in the overtime "hung up at the back of the door charts" after refusing extra time because it was suspected he had to attend a royal garden party, Close To Edge has now proudly claimed the number one position.
"Here I remember one of your friends" says Numbnuts whilst reminiscing "Mad Phil, he told me the water wouldn't flush in his toilet which was crammed full with turds so I had a pi** in his bath".
Oh these bloody clocks comments the Balloon Warden, its 1:30 p.m. in Teletubbieland, 6a.m. in the Joiners, quarter to three in the second bay of the machine shop and the correct time is three thirty. "Holidays should last long enough for your boss to miss you but not long enough for him to find out he can manage without you "it says in the readers digest I am reading but it seems none of our bosses can manage because they are all going on a management course next month.
AD Mr Amways property rental services - Bungalows the speciality (by Numbnuts)
"You have more letters after your name at the University of Life. yes Sellers than you had at University of Idiots" (by Chiefy)
There once was a lad called Tin Shop Poet Who came to work in a boat
And he enjoyed his job working in a real life soap {f you are not happy between your ears
tour life is a misery for fifty years
So be happy and smile do not worry
Even if you have no money to make a curry
Your life as a slave is hard
But having a laugh with your mates card* Helps your worries go away
IT Is WHEN YOU are alone that it is dark
So be like Mad Mick and do not worry bout money
because that makes you go all funny
* this word was put here because I could not think of anything to rhyme with hard.
Captain Cack reports "Joe Pasquali went into the shop for some helium, er I mean a paper and the shop keeper asked him with an elastic band in his throat 'red or green', Joe Pasquali realised at this point a newspaper had been mistaken by rizla"
Magic man was sent to the stores by Ettie Wainthropp .... "We do not stock 'spurs' /I says a confused Penfold, it seems magic-man was taking the p*ss out of Ettie Wainthropps Blackburn accent.
If aliens landed in Huddersfield they would think cars were the dominant species of this planet, get somebody behind the wheel of a car and they tum into lunatics I think as I ride my bike called Atomic back to the suburban jungle where I live on Monday night.
I know my letter to Mr Myoyghi made me look like a paedophile but Mr Myoyghis reply was unbelievable, I just flushed the offending letter down the toilet.
"How do you move objects using the force" I ask Hamster-Spring A Leak ... "take them tablets that you are on comes his reply, and it all happens in a splinter of your minds eye".
Some Yogi claim to be able to move objects with their mind but these people require no other human observers to do this and other so called "impossible acts", tonight I achieved more training off my Jedi Master giving "Spaceman" a lift up Bradley road on my Atomic mountain bike.
"You used to get depressed looking at him never mind talking to him" says Chiefy referring to Mr Myoyghi after copying my letter to him.
For everybodies information and because Stanley is so down I suggest we all either write to him as pen-pals or phone him up, only this will save a sad ending since his mum has sadly had a stroke ... His address is 23 Roebumdale Crescent, Heysham, Morecambc, Lancs., LA32ET
TF. 01524 852 623 Remember it is good to talk and help people ...
The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society ~d "Scimitar" not "Simitor" as suggested in an earlier publication for a name for the new Weird & Wobbly, which we seem to have two orders for now. Apparently Scimitar is the name for an ancient Jedi's weapon similar to a light sabre.
Poe has kindly bought me a sarnie and it is Tuesday morning at Sellers ... Thanks Poe, but my dad Wonderwood would not even buy me any dinner ... "I am not joining that club" he said.
Your dad told me to have a word with you about your drink problem says Cuz Wally ... you said you had consumed 24 units of alcohol in one night and the safe limit for a week is 28 units. (14 pints) ... "The only drink problem] have is that] cannot get enough" says Mr Happy
''Do you take a sh *thole roll with you now when you go out in the vans .. just in case of any little messages" says Danger Mouse as I head off for Hipper-holme the home of Moss Metals our platters. As I drive into Bradley to check if I have been burgled Pud comes to a skidding halt behind my van nearly writing it off and her boyfriends cherished possession in the process to tell me ...
"Luke is not coming on Wednesday ... its nothing to do with your 'stupid behaviour, but to do with is and] need to be cruel to be kind and teach him that my threats are meaningful"
"Good on yer Adele, you do right he needs to be taught how to behave unfortunately I am not a right good role model] promise I will not take him on the M62 .. ] promise I won 'the isn't ready for that
yet, he is only 4 on Sunday". •
The DJ on the radio is yattering about dozing off with Radio One playing in the background and "Believe" by Cher becoming a soundtrack for one of his dreams which he says was very scary as I pass "The glorified terraced house" the home of our Ex-Captain.
I also have in my head the resonance's of The Balloon Wardens fatherly speech "You must search for the hero inside yourself, Michael, you must achieve your full potential"
"You have a power, a gift I could never understand .... how did you make our new apprentice float up in a chair like that tn front of all those Ewoks" "No Clive one day you too will understand you are my brother, and the force is strong in our family .. remember our father Darth Vador".
It is Wednesday morning and I say to Dipsy ... "Pick One" holding a Wrigley's chewing h'UID wrapper ripped in three but crumpled up so that the pictures on them were not visible .. he chose the guy with the garbage can .. "Who did you learn that off was it Pointed Sarah or Laughing Laura" he replies. C3PO our new apprentice which Lady Penelope thought I would scare has now started smoking after two weeks working in the machine shop, he thinks we are all nuts but would love a job here and The Pink Spindle Panther dreams of coming back, I only laugh when I am here he remarks, before I came here I never knew I could laugh.
Wheel-barrow remarks that Windows has been rather elusive recently and thinks he has probably found a new hiding place when I enquire about Windows where-abouts within the complex.
I think the new horizon should be called the 99, says Aussie ... "Two 99's please".. "That will be £946,000 please".
I comment to Aussie and Cuz Wally .. ''] need a bath] am starting to be able to smell my own odour" .. "I better phone the water board at Cooper Bridge and give advance warning" says Cuz.
"Is it true that Ettie Wainthropp has started smoking again" as we are both trying to have a wee at the urinals in the Progress toilets where I once saw a finger which has sadly since been made redundant "Yes] told him to use Nicorette chewing gums, they do work and when they bring out those Cannabis tablets] will suddenly get arthritis and give up smoking forever ... "
It is 2p.m. on Wednesday, Aussie is telling me these news-letters are finding their way to Holsets now via his son Coach who is a member of our All Star Bowling Team .... "Who called a taxi" he shouts unexpectedly making me jump as Naughty Noo Noo walks past.
"Captain Xerox, I have just had a bug in my computer, it misses a line after every sentence. "Probably came from a paper mill" he replies ...
"Windows ... I will meet you at the back door as usual" .... "Who is this I thought it was Onslo ... Oh its You" what was the place you were ringing from.
I am now in the lift which I have stopped halfway between the Progress and the Stores by opening the door en route literally crying with laughter after looking at our new "Rules & Regulations" boards ..
I) Does the load need to be moved? Well sometimes it does ..
2) Stop and think about it.. and also that in the next ten years if linearity were a feature of our Universe the rules and regulations board would stretch to infinity ....
May be one day people will not work but just compose and read rules and regulations boards .. 3) Put your water-proof hat and gloves on!'
.........................
10) bend your knees and lift the offending lo;d but your head falls off being unattached to your body by this time, maybe our heads are empty but at least they are usually firmly attached to our bodies or are they being a typical employee with no brain I am unaware of this small dilemma.
The Complete new NZIR new Who's Who is now available on request from Mad Mick but please don't sue me, it is all done injest.. but many a true word is said in that .. Who Is Hamster Spring A Leak ? is the question I have heard all week.
Magic-man says??? "Eat a beaver and save a tree 5% payrise" (eh???)
I hope the Council Tax are happy with their letter, I will inform you all of their reply .. from now on I
talk to the shirt not its buttons.. .
Are microwaves frying Ettie Wainthropps ??! Is the question on everybodies brain, it is Thursday at Sellers at last .. I pay a visit to the bank, The Council Tax and also to The Huddersfield Examiner .. We all learn that a good old friend and Sellers Ex-Employee called Bob Crowther has now joined the next state of vibration .. I used to garden for him with my good friend Hop-head and he conned me into the job of The Ex-Captains mum's garden.
Mr Happy enquires with me on Hamster-Spring A Leaks request.. "Why does it cost £800 to visit Australia when our planet is spinning, surely you should be able to jump up in the air and get there, " what he forgets is there would be 2000m.p.h. gales if our atmosphere stood still while the globe spun. Numbnuts remarks "You have to leave the earth's atmosphere to get away from the influence of alcohol" ... "You need to be p*ssed, stoned or suicidal to work here" says Hamster Spring A Leak .. Our Iranian visitors who have being doing a bit of shopping went up to Arthur and said, according to Aussie .. "Are you the Balloon Warden ... we have been reading about you in Iran".
It is Friday and Dipsy suggests Mulder and Skully for new pseudonyms for The Incredible Hulk and Lady Laughter and Chiefy suggests "Cheap and Nasty" for the name of the Weird & Wobbly probably because as Stroll On comments there is not as much machining work on it.
AD soon .•• "Sadway The full story" How to trade your friends (or money and we all welcome our ncw apprentices .. Matthew as Nervous Breakdown and Andy as C3PO.
I was briefly asked to look after the stores and after a hectic schedule of; Couple of deliveries, Roberta came tor the last birdhouse in stock, A lovely phone call off Mystic and C3PO came for a 5/16 Allen key which later turned out to be in the wrong box.
Those Cornish Pasties from A.R.Jones highly recommended by Poe are now available at S.Thomas's for just 65p, I find this out when I am up town looking for Luke's 4th birthday present.
I am now driving up to the grinding and find that I have lost I hour 42 minutes of my memory of past events, the hypnotist who recommends hypnotherapy says he sometimes loses a few minutes whilst he is driving but loss of that much time usually means the person concerned is going slightly mad.
Is there Jet Lag in Tele-tubbie land .. the clocks has been fixed! When you are Pissed you can sometimes loose hours of time .. however time 'will one day be meaningless ... when you join the afterlife you won't need a life review you will have it all written down!
It seems in life that we are like the very atoms that make us .. loneliness brings us together but our individual faults draw us apart until a common equilibrium is reached, and from this we create molecules and society itself.
Laughing Laura, Pointed Sarah. The Jedi Master, Me, Dominating Becka, Luke and Judy are now going on a Saturday walk, we all went to Luke's house but en-route we saw a scorpion, Luke's 4th Birthday celebrations are on and we all sing Happy Birthday.
But despite the celebrations there is a crisis on .. The Knight Rider has hidden Aunty Leanne's baby called Chelsea, it seems that they have split up for the fourth time since she was bom.. it is Luke's last day of being three and Judy my mums dog ate his poo, I get home and as usual another week and another tub of butter ... a gift off my parents.
I have just returned here to write this letter after giving a rather unusual Bradley character who is on something stronger than Prozac a lift on my Atomic bike with the good old Jedi Master who will hopefully promote me back to Jedi Michael after he has read this letter.
Cleopatra did not look too happy about Space-man having a p*ss on her mums back door.
I am now back at my flat and the next door neighbours smoke alarm continues to bug me, I am listening to "Night-Swimming" by R.E.M. and maybe this is what dreams are about.. the merging of the collective consciousness. I love Sellers but must apologise I was unable to report on lhr, 42mins. of it... JED! MICHAEL PUB CODE NZl9F written on Luke's 4th Birthday 24/li99. Bye ...
Another Monday morning again at our place of slavery, Sellers, everybody however is glad to be back at least just for the social atmosphere if nothing else.
Lady Penelope complains that the last news-letter said that she was unfaithful and it was up to me to go down to the G.O. and collect the reproductions. Aussie had his usual sarcasm lined up and The Balloon Warden was back from his holidays looking a little shell shocked but at least Town had drawn over the weekends so the general mood wasn't of collective suicide.
l took my latest offering in the subject of Philosophy called ''Dreams On Toast" which Aussie said was a load of Bollocks down to Lady Penelope. Lady Penelope showed me her mural which is on the wall of the G.O. and comprises of some flowers on a green background, ''it is very pretty'' I commented looking at madam Mary who was sat in front.
Lady Penelope said that her name was not getting the full publicity that it deserved since she was going out with Captain Cack. She assures us all that despite Cacks calming influence she is still just as mad ms she always has been, she also commented that where I had slept near the electric box across the road was very dirty.
After Beakys meeting on Monday afternoon we all received a DOC #044 off Secret Squirrel so that we can bring all our details up to date and Captain Beaky said he was not prepared to waste his valuable production meeting time discussing the big sarnie debate with Secret Squirrel.
During the spring of 1999 we will have to start parking our cars (if we have one) at the back of the fitting at a place called Wilson's Yard. It has just been suggested by Cuz Wally that we will need a CCTV system linked to Lady Laughter at reception who has a "Hot Line" to Mr Happy...
Mr Happy can then use the Milk Float to take him direct to any possible disturbances and sort them out, Aussie says with CCTV all you will get is pictures of the local yobbos throwing rocks on to the employees cars.
Following the massive success of Life As A gloried Slave Captain Cack gave me some cups and saucers and a frying pan, David Beckham has promised me some T-shirts, even The Balloon Warden said he would see if he can dig out some old pairs of Y-Fronts It seems I got the report wrong regarding the arrival of the Fiesta with no exhaust, it was not the same people who arrayed in the car ms those who attempted to rob the social club, it seems that one of the individuals that attempted to carry out the latter ad was in earlier during the month requesting an application form for a job.
The great sarnie debate still rumbles on, they are silly cu*ts laughs Cheesy, only eighteen people can go to the sarnie shop from now on, no, no seriously Chairman of The Mass Debating Society saw all the brown smocks assembled in the Tin Shop Office.
The Balloon Warden, Chiefy, Wonderwood, Ettie Wainthropp (The Vice Warden) and Stroll On are all awaiting snow white while they were all debating where to obtain the sarnies, it was decided that Floating Ronnie would get all the orders and phone them in to the Sarnie Box on Chapel Hill, who do deliveries and if they do not open on Saturday morning they will not get the trade for the week.
No body has dared tell Magic man, so I did I was then accused by Ettie Wainthropp [The VICE WARDEN of "Rocking The Boat" After the buffet on the last day before Christmas a lot of us are going Ten Pin Bowling and the numbers continue to increase exponentially, now, Captain Morecambc, Diet Coke break, Lady laughter and even The Balloon Warden have promised an appearance, Please add your name to the ''NO SKIRTS ALLOWED'' posters situated throughout the works if you want to attend and observe the pop's legs!! Ettie Wainthropp [The VICE WARDEN] said in front of Magic-man that the great sarnie debate is of no concern what-so-ever to him.... If I am on the phone to an important customer, he says, I cannot say hang on a minute while I fetch the sandwiches... Secret Squirrel reckons
up to £5000 per year is wasted by people fetching sarnies.... Just think how much is wasted per year by people merely being human beings!!! Why not simply get a load of robots! and leave them in the dark and feed them a load of Shit? Please Sellers do not knock off the overtime, please It is the only thing that keeps me sane, I am sick I suffer from manic depression and the only spending money I have is from the overtime; all the rest goes on everybody else...
I have cancelled my direct debit for the council tax at Yorkshire Bank and plan on going to see the doctors very soon for some Prozac for my nervous breakdown.... I am simply fed up of
working for nothing...
Magicman gave me a golfing cap which Capt. Beaky took a liking to saying that it matched his tie.
The Balloon Warden says "Will you unload that cylinder that is on Sophie'' and I was just about to do this when Chiefy says ''leave that cylinder alone, we will move it when we are ready to put it in David Beckhams lathe'' left with these two conflicting instructions I am now in a limbo, why did things go so smoothly without the brown smocks.
Wonderwood is coming out of his shell a bit now that he is approaching retirement age reports LaaLaa and what a retirement he says, it will be spent spoon feeding his estranged son Forest................ ''Here comes the choo choo train. using the spoon.... CHOO CHOO! forest will be 31 by then and will probably retarded back into diapers.
Ettie Wainthropp [THE VICE WARDEN] says that 1 x 4'' Vice has disappeared from the fitting shop circa 1947 fitters found out when they were repeatedly falling on the floor whence leaning in an allotted safe place for leaning.
Captain Cack put an advert adjoining the advertisement by the Vice Warden that he had informed the Captains of the disappearing vice and we will all wonder if there is any coincidence with regarding the contents of the advertisement.
Tin Snips is apparently a prime suspect since he has now two vices on his bench, The Great Sarnie debate is finally over putting the final nail in the Coffin of the rapidly sinking Tommy Noon Garbage recycling business since he has been only nominated by the VICE WARDEN; Ettie Wainthropp to fetch the sarnies on delivery to the Progress The Hub OF SELLERS.
We are all sure on the shop floor that the shop floor is not where most of the money will be saved but the amount of money that costs the company in individuals hysterical laughter is quite considerable.
The lost world has a powerful efect on the human psyche what are we now-a-days but
Human Beings or Human Doings??
.....If We have no goals then where do we expect to be in 5 years time.... The balloon Warden enquires where I have been... Lost Lost in the Lost world I reply after finally escaping from Liquid Sunshine.....
Vice Jokes are rampant but, it is Secret Squirrel secrecy trying to make us a healthier eating habit??? maybe we all accept reluctantly that Health & safety could overlook this aspect of our private lives....
AT The social Club...
We were one of the first in attendance, Alex Higgins, The Tin Shop Poet was being ever so helpful in the warm and friendly confines of the social club... he informed us that he had his second poem ready for release on Monday and asked Dominating Donna out in the presence of her sleepy boyfriend: The Sorcerer [HOPHEAD] Unemotional Al and his wife was present when we arrived along with Tonto- The lone Ranger, Numbnuts our chauffeur gave his bowling mag out to all concerned...
Chiefy our cook was there with Ada-Lassie but soon many others arrived.... I was on my third pint when The Knight Rider and his fiancee Aunty Leanne arrived. The Knight Rider complained bitterly about Numb nut's Memo where he publicly disgraced The Knight Riders Brother Popeye. The Sorcerer said it wasn't a very exiting night but I myself think it is what you make it.... I brought my stereo because The Tin Shop Poet informed me that the one in the social club was not operational. ..
The music started with Urban Hymns by The Verve and rapidly progressed to Shaking Steven's and Elvis Presley and finally to Buddy Holly and Petula Clarke performance of ''Down Town'' which I did dance to after telling Capt. Beaky I loved him..
Luke Skywalker was busy saving the Universe and unfortunately could not be with us, this saved a awful lot of glasses from destruction...
Numbnuts made an excellent speech to present the trophies with the help of Captain Morecambe.... Uncle Col received three trophies and The Hypnotist (Previously Mystic Mark) received his much talked about trophy from the singles back in June...
Even Ettie Wainthropp (VICE WARDEN) turned up to receive his trophy from far back in August and made an apology about the vice he thought had been nicked when apparently it had been moved by Lada From Barnsley and Capt. Pugwash to another bench.
Father Christmas's wife said I had been chosen by God after reading my last bowling report which was backed with Life Alter Death she said she read it and it had opened her mind to the possibilities.... Aussie kindly bought me a pint after she had finished speaking to me....
He was busy exchanging pleasantries with the Knight Rider.
Saturday was The Bonfire Night at Hop-heads (THe Sorcerer), I arrived as Battyeford Lill and Dominating Becka were enjoying the warmth of the lovely bonfire...
Mr Muscles, Dominating Donna and The Sorcerer (Hop-head) was having a fire in their back garden....
Battyeford Lill provided the fireworks which were riveting to watch being for 4-5 year olds the nearest thing to a BANG was a "PHUT" from one of the Roman Candles.
Luke Skywalker was present having missed his daddy the day before... As the wood pile grew low it was suggested that the next door neighbours shed should be raided and their dustbin disappeared to keep up the flames...
It was suggested by Mr Muscles that many more fireworks were in order so Battyeford Lill was handed Hop Heads (The Sorcerers) phone and a call was made to Wonderwood...
Forest answered the phone and everyone was coached him to fetch Wonderwood to the phone who thankfully agreed to present a fiver to the fireworks collection..
Me and Mr Muscles were sent to fetch the fireworks and felt that Air bomb Repeaters were in order, which mode proper bangs, Luke Skywalker was playing on Dominating Beckas bikes with the neighbours from the other side.
Malacuy and Sheriden Clark the Children of Brenda Clark, Dipsy's Cousin and an old school friend to me and Hop-head (The Sorcerers).
Soon, very soon explosions were heard around the neighbourhood and poor Hop-head put his chest of drawers and his room door to the flames which Dominating Donna demanded to be kep't up to...
Mr Muscles received a severe beating like his fox for unacceptable behaviour and Battyeford Lill decided to take a tired dominating Becka home...
But Battyeford Lill was most impressed at Hop-heads (The Sorcerers ) Burger making skills and his determination for hard work....
Me and The Sorcerer later had a trip to the Badger Pub in order to fetch some more bottles to drink and we watched somebody on Karaeoki singing Crazy For You we came back and put Hop-heads dustbin on our bonfire NEXT BZIF ''TOUR OF BRADLEY''
I work with Liquid Sunshine in The Lost World but thankfully I am only in here temporary because sometimes it gets very boring still we are one of the most profitable places at Sellers and counting The Hypnotist and Pickling Jim there are only four of us in total
I am not interested in joining Amway and I am not bothered about having lots of money, I haven't time anyway because when I get home I have to feed the cat and take the dog for a walk The Track Rap has been sold off to a company down south along with its believer, The Rebel MC and we are all asking the question ''ls There Life After The Track Rap?''.
Another thing that puzzles me is why don't they sell those two decators that sit in the Fitting shop off cheap and gain a bit of space and also how can somebody order something then eight months down the line decide that they don't want it? Oh yes I knew there was something I had to tell you, the other day a group of kids aged about 10 years old tried to hot-wire Liquid Sunshine's motorbike, they all scampered after being spotted by Ratchet Jaw 4 3/4 who was on one of his routine visits to see Chiefy down in the machine shop. I ask you is now nothing sacred? Finally, why are people from Bradley so strange? well there is Crazy, Oasis, Wonderwood and if that wasn't enough There is you... I cannot speak for rest but....
The Sellers All-Stars were accompanied with Loopy Luke, Mad Mave, Tufty and Princess Becka and Tufty said he wouldn't mind bowling for the All-Stars himself and he could do a lot better than my performance.
Our roll-over money from last week was given away to cancer research .Mystic Mark said, our captain, news of this gave rise to a mixed responce.
The bowling green was hidden away off Leeds road at the side of a cricket field the club itself could only be described as very antiquated, there was a burnt out pavillion
facing the cricket field. '.
The Ramsden canal run up the far side of the bowling green. The green itself was very bumpy and only advice is if you are bowling there bring along your lawnmower. Loopy Luke, Daniel (Numbnuts and Lady Teaspoon's only offspring) and Princess Becka could be seen playing football at the far end of the cricket field as Aussies son is battling 4/5 against his opponent, Aussies son pulls back another making it 5 accross. Its a lovely Saturday afternoon, the sun is out in ali its glory, light that has been travelling through space for nine minunits illuminates the bowling green, undisturbed for once by rain clouds.
Chucles who is marking for Numbnuts says he is playing like a prat losing 2/17 and Peter The Painter is off first with All-Stars first win a spectacular 21/5 a score which goes on to win the reduced sweep, Numbnuts throws another bouncing bomb but some how it stayed on, Numbnuts is complaining that his arm is aching.
Numbnuts has just modernised Mad Micks computer, now it has a CD that doesn't work and if the spelling is bad, that is because I have no spell-checker.
He has started his comeback 11/18 then another two and one away making 13/19, he says "The bowling green was built in 1905 and that was probably the last time it was cut".
Aussie's Son is offwith another win of21/18, The battle in the long grass is over for
him as I am called on for my tum.
I started very well against a huge guy called Kevin, I got two ones straight off but that was all for a while, If! had a old puny guy I could of won going accross comers but this guy I was playing also did part time shot-putting so he had no problem reaching my marks.
Then I went all funny and lost concentration, I just couldn't bowl at all and despite Mystic Marks coaching and my marker Rods encouragement I lost 6/21 still I got a pint out of it.
It is a ritual for bowlers that win to buy the opponents who lose a drink and probably explains why I am an alcholic.
More results were in;
J.A.OtNeilI7, Numbnuts 13, PETER THE PAINTER WIN 21/5, AUSSIES SON WIN 21/18, R Studholm 4, A.D. Stead 6 and Mad Mick 6.
I catch back up on the action after checking up on Loopy Luke's acti1'kies, but he had his grand-parents to watch over him as well so he wasn't quite so mischievous, Princess Becka walked past with two of Aussies grandchildren dressed in dandelion neck laces and my mum, Mad Mave said she had a bit of migraine caused by putting up with Tufty's worrying and my dad, Tufty said he wasn't feeling so well himself worrying about everything so much.
Uncle Col's winning 16/8 but he hasn't won the sweep, over the hi!Js and far away, one away keith and Uncle Col is 17/8. Aussie is having a close match 15/13 he suffers a two making it 15 accross, Aussie puts another a mile through and its 15/16.
Uncle Col has psyched out his opponent winning 21/10 "what you drinking" he asks his opponent "as much as possible" comes the reply.
Aussie is at AlI-but/l6 so it looks like another win, as Tufty and Mad Mave are wanting to go home but Princess Becka wants to stay to the end and play With her new friends, she looks really happy, she is my niece.
Mystic Mark and Father Christmas are still on battling away but Father Christmas can't stand a pair and he is off 18/21.
Mystic Mark however is on a good run and after a spectacular finish when he uses one of his wingers to knock is opponents bowls into the gutter and ending up with two bowls within inches of the block, it was like watching snooker, he wins 21/14.
