"If you want to know about the state of the firm ask the bloke across at the sandwich shop, cos he seems to know more about it than the rest of us says Dynamic Dave our energetic driller.
I was visited last night by a very upset Mad Phil who will from now be referred to as Jedi Fu*kup since his pseudonym has been changed by The Jedi Master....
"Alright Michol'' says a tearful Jedi Fu*kup then bursts out.. "Fackin hell man, my best friend Woolly [Spaceman] his stomach has torn and he's in the hospital, he he he vo vo vomited three pints of blood man, they spent 45 minutes trying to resus.. Resuscitate him when the ambulance came'' News of this is already spreading into the gossip lines of Bradley shocking eve who drinks White Lightning Cider, but for Spaceman who ate nothing and did nothing except drink the stuff consuming as much as c 7 1/2 litres per day this hardly came as a surprise for me and The Jedi Master.
We was still laughing about Jedi Fu*kup throwing his bike up in the air twice after losing his cool whilst riding on Leeds Road towards town... Jedi Master Damian will now tell you all what happened ''Well shall we say Jedi Fu*kup Phiw he his from peanut butter, down south and he is a little unstable, ' well I say a little, I mean quite a lot... Me and Mick were riding into town on Monday to sell some records and I was shouting at Phiw for being a silly cunt but at one point near the beginning of St Andrews Road I was trying to let Phiw in from the pavement into the flow of traffic Phiw then suddenly got off his bike and threw it into a nearby car park in front of two pedestrians narrowly missing them and a nearby car, he then picked it up again and realising the chain was off threw it again shouting..
"Fackin hell you northerners strong in the arm but weak in the head, you have all got good bikes, I have try and ride this piece of sh*t , Damian stresses my head man Fackin hell FACKIN HELL' I shout back "Phiw you tramp go pick your bike up', Oh yes and the other day, Sunday I believe, I went to Phiws house at Fartown you know Tim's old house, I went in and spaceman was at his house fast asleep, Phiw was telling me to be quiet and Phiw then rushed off to the shops to buy Spaceman his third 2 1/2 litre bottle of cider'' Thank you Jedi Master for that contribution and back to the present it is Tuesday and Jedi Fu*kup is at my house, it seems that Spaceman is in The Royal Infirmary after drinking non-stop when he was conscious, he was sick ....
When we all got to the Jcdi Masters house we find that Spaceman's condition is far more serious, he has been given a blood transfusion with six pints of blood and is due for an operation on his stomach, he will be in hospital for another three weeks or more.
When he gets out he will not last long if he drinks again, I think personally that he had a burst stomach ulcer for a) not eating and b) for constantly drinking that acidic Whitc Lightning Cider, We will all go into sobriety together I think or we will die but we have to make it past the Millennium.
Anyway I am sat round the back of The Jedi Masters house and The Jedi Masters mum comes out and starts doing some ritual drawing on the floor and pointing at things with a stone.
Apparently Forest had been down to The Jedi Masters Sunday after bowling and had been sick all over Thc Jedi Masters mums yard and has a result she was placing a curse on The Jedi Master himself Pentagrams in strange circles were chalked all over the wails and the flags so in the end The Jedi Master put a dustbin in the middle of one of the biggest designs.
Finally it is Wednesday, Total Eclipse Day and Captain Beaky is reported to have said to everybody 'It is an opportunity of a lifetime anybody can go and watch it but make sure you see The Chairman Of The Mass Debating society for a welding screen, with a twelve screen'' Ziggy Stardust says 'Its an opportunity of a lifetime, we will not get another chance to see another total eclipse on mainland Britain.. the next one is 2090 will Sellers be still around to witness the next one I ask you all or will we all be redundant before the millennium The skies clear and the sun comes out with a chunk missing, Magic man has his video-camera watching the event, not a single welding screen or glass is left in Sellers when all Sellers employees excitedly watch the Sun vanishing behind the moon The Sun is 400,000 times the diameter of the moon but it is also 400,000 times further away from us so it appears to us quite by ''accident" for the moon to exactly fit the suns sphere...
An eerie silence follows as the sun is eclipsed 89% at 11:17 and Twilight rules, a bit of a wind follows bustling the trees ''The next big event then is the end of the world it is an amazing sight but it would be daylight robbery if we all had to travel to Cornwall to be ripped off" says Ziggy Stardust.
"It makes you feel better to think you are getting paid to watch it'' laughs Born 2B Wild Aussie says ''What 's the big deal, I can think of better sights, The Eskimo burning his arse on a light bulb for one '', throughout it all and sadly Dougle is stuck inside his Magic Roundabout under the haze of gun wash sanding and painting his time away.
During the afternoon I was sent to Wath On Dearn to find Paragon, after a long time lost in Rotherham I finally find the place, and witness the proudness of a company using one of our machines and it seems to be according to the doorman, Garth, that they will be probably wanting another one soon, Oh yes and Garth says Hi to Crazy again.
My tea is provided by The Pool team, who incidentally lost this week 4/3 but... they could of won says Captain Cack, well that is if Joe Pasquali was not up all night worrying about his stance.
With all the bowling tournaments over a have nothing left to promote so I might as well start on the next Solar Eclipse in 91 years 1 month and eleven days, again it centres on Devon and Cornwall, Sellers News will keep you informed of accommodation and roadwork's on that exciting day.
Times are so hard with the lack of overtime at my place of work that I am 3 weeks behind with the council tax. I have just stopped paying water latest stopped eating as you all know and now I am selling my Madonna picture discs for £ 3 each to Magicman Oh Fackin hell Jedi Fu*kup is here again... It seems he wants an application form filling in for the Yorkshire pudding factory where hopefully he will finally get a job...
''Phil what was your previous job... '' "I was a picker packer", ''What is one of those Phil, I do not think they will understand that in Yorkshire, they will think you are taking the p*ss" ''Okay Phil here is an easier question, Who is your doctor? '' "I tried to register at Fartown HeaIth Centre but they said they couldn't register me because they said kids go there and I am a dodgy southerner" "Anyway Phil The Jedi Master Damian has decided on your name and! am proud to reveal it to you, you are to be known as Jedi Fu*kup he said if I have Jedi status, other silly c*nt might has well have as well'... I am under the influence and its Thursday night listening on my own to Madonna's Ray Of
Light LP"
I am listening to sky Fits Heaven anal know she is on about our dreams now its Shanti Ashtangi nobody knows what this is about.. Oh Sh*t its Frozen and this is me in "Tour Of Sellers', Ray Of Light the speed outfought infester, The Power Of Good-bye er good-bye Thursday...
Jedi Fu*kup is on the phone to his mum back in Peanut Butter... "Er Hello Mum ''.. 'How are you dear son, at least you are 200 miles away"... "Er Mum Woolly is in hospital, his stomach has exploded alter 3 bottles of White Lightning Cider and Mad Damian and Michol think they are Jedi's you know those people in Star Wars that make things float around and I think they can do it for real'' "Listen Philip, Son Stay Away! stay away from them and keep yourself to yourself you know yourself they all up north aren 't all there '' "But muuuum they are my friends and do belong with them they are nuts like me '' It is finally Friday morning and I am out mucking the works van and on my way to Brighouse I follow all the diversions due to the railway bridge entering Brighouse being closed so I must turn down Bradley Road and on past Cooper Bridge and The DJ. on the radio kindly reminds me that it is Friday 13th... I realize this is not superstition its psychosomatic...
Put better by Aussie 'its the fear of something happening that makes more bad things happen '' Magic Man wishes to say that The Eskimo looks like an upside down hot air balloon and he says seriously that the Photo's for the pairs finalists are now available, orders can be taken now.
Some b*stard namely Capt Beaky has been saying that I am mucking the vans and making them smell when I go out in them to deliver and pick up parts, The balloon Warden gives me a, a 'Polite Bollocking" as a result but, this results in him taking a rather severe embarrassment off our Shop Steward Magic Man.
With rain catapulting itself out of the sky we all somehow arrived at Dalton Cricket & Bowling Club and huddled into the hut but, sadly Mad Mick was soon kicked out and it was here he realized that rain was only water not some dangerous carcinogenic..
Mad Mick was soon bowling away on the green which our captain said was very heavy cos it had been raining but despite his good lead he ended up loosing dramatically 21/13 however Hermingtrude our superb painter proved himself a superior bowler putting up the most force against the opposition and losing 21/20.
In summary of our match we lost 16/0 and took a bit of a thrashing though I had been threatened by my fellow bowlers not to mention it but after all this is supposed to be a bowling report but it has some how evolved in to something else...
Had an excellent Saturday night; at my house was Jedi Master Mace Windu, Dominating Donna,
Forest, Luke Skywalker, Princess Becka, Tarzan, The Young Junkie, Bianca, Pointed Sarah and Jedi
Master Damian.
Forest and The Jedi Master Damian had a bit of a disagreement over a shared seat and The Jedi Master said I will have to move because I have a snail on the back of my chair. but, Bianca looked stunning with her perfect skin to all us red blooded males So you have finally read this stupid story this far please tell me if you want them to continue because I want to know if I should carry on writing them, I do not mind keeping going but you must all tell me if my newsletter is a bit of a drag, perhaps you have something you want to tell everybody.
This is your newsletter Mad Mick is only simply an author, a writer that we spirits like to give energy to, if any of you have ever seen the film ''Ghost'' you will have a rudimentary understanding of what the afterlife is like...
Really it is far more complicated and a lot to do with the merging of Quantnm Mechanics and General Relativity, it is here that ''mind'' finally comes equivalent to ''matter'' and ''energy'', but, the scientists must first make a quantum leap out of there chained deep down beliefs One time in the past everybody believed that the world was flat now, it is common belief that we all stand on a sphere which gravity a mysterious "force" holds us all onto in a huge, huge Universe which nobody except ourselves inhabit.
Who tells us this crap but, our polititians, who sit there in the House Of Commons and do not even pay their TV licenses but you all swear to me that they do not brain wash you into doing the things you do....
We are all not free until we experience the fourth dimension of the next level of existence, here depending on how high you graduate from actions in your Earth Life, you will be dropped into your ''Thought Sphere'' which will be all your worldly interactions with other minds suffered from the other person who is the sufferer or the beneficiary.
Life After Death or rather the lack of belief in it contributes to most of your worlds problems BX10R JEDI KNIGHT MAD MICKS PUBLICATIONS 1999 BYE! ! !
"It's good to be here before the circus starts" I announce to a startled Mr Blobby at 7a.m. Monday morning, another week at Sellers and its my week on the saw down in the dungeon.
It is now quarter to ten and I am bored already, down in the dungeon with only the reminants ofMr Myoyghi's depressed spirit to keep me company. The Balloon Warden says he will give me something a little more interesting to do when I have sawed off all these little bits and guess what its snowing.
''I nearly fell over in the yard outside" exclaims Born 2B Wild "Darth Vador just acknowledged my presence, maybe it was a two jinger salute I couldn't tell without my glasses. I bet Mr Myoyghi wakes
up after many a nightmare with its central theme old Darth". .
"I get a lot of practise at this particular excercise" I say to Captain Cack as he walks through the Hub Of Sellers I am cleaning some inch square bar with a piece of rag using a motion that is used a lot by a variety of my fellow workmates in Dipsy's cubicles.
We don't need these big pieces of paper, dad, you can use the phone when ordering bright bar to be cut I think when Lady Penelope walks past with blue hair.
How about "God" for a new name for The Great One says Fred Flintstone as I clock in after dinner. 96% of all speech used over the telephone consists of just 737 words when there is nearly half a
million in the English language, it seems we are talking more and saying less. .
"Why don't you spend your money on positive things now you are on over-overtime" says the Balloon Warden. "What is the point Clive positive things just get nicked and they will only move somebody in Bradley after they have been robbed jive times, its all done on points"
They have all gone to their meeting with Captain Beaky wearing their "Mothercare" T-shirts and I am so bored by now I am answering the phone!
"Is Clive there" asks Lady Penelope
"No he has gone to the progress, I mean the meeting, I am in the Progress" I reply.
The Bionic Man comes down from the tin shop for JMome bar and he thinks it is a little more subtle with regards to karmic debt when we are reincarnated than that echoed in Hoddles contraversial statement, I remember being Mary in a previous life.
Many complaints are recieved about Chiefy who asks his men if they can work over-overtime on Monday morning rather than Wonderwoods adopted principle of asking them Saturday morning so that they can check with their lovers/girlfriends/wives (delete as applicable) over the weekend. There is a ferry load of killer crows heading our way says Poe when I am finally released from the dungeon for a few hours.
David Beckham says "They are alright you're newsletters, it's something to read when you're bored, they don't even have to be good" Oh Thanks!
I have to apologise about saying that David Beckham dreamt of flying around on a toilet with Li££le tony it seems it was HamsterSpring A Leak that made this statement.
The Rainbow Warrior said "When I opened that memo saying I was going to the Early Learning Centre on a management training course I thought the Pink Team had been reinstated and Barnsley Bill was back/"
Monday night and I do my Bradley paper round with another No I story called "You Will See It When You Believe It" but last weeks story only achieved No 2 because of that poem by the Tin Shop Poet who has a new release soon about pool.
On my paper rounds I see Bradleys drunken vicar being mobbed by a load of youths and in the mail I recieve a paper asking me to buy my council flat. Not likely I think.
Tuesday morning and Ettie Wainthropp tells me tales of an ex-employee called George Norris .. :
"he could have you litterally crying with laughter, once I was waiting at his house ready to pick him up to go to work, when, there was a sharp knock at the door, It was the police".
"His wife shoated up to him cos does tha know he was still in bed like, he emerged in his birthday suite and p*ssed all over the coppers who were stood at the door, they waited while he hadjinished then promptly arrested him ".
"He was jinally put behind bars for possesion of £2,800,000 worth of Cannabis and was a right hard b *stard, do you know he once was asked what he did the previous night by one of our employees" "He replied 'I got home and my wife was throwing empty bottles of Pills at passing cars after emptying the contents down her throat' 'what did you do', asked the employee, 'I joi1fltd her' "
I have been invited for my dinner again tonight at the Sellers Social Club, The Tin Shop Poet suggests
, that I come straight from work but I have to go home to pull my curtains on otherwise half of Bradley will be in my flat getting walm.
It is by now dinnertime on Tuesday and I have just recieved a phone call off The Knight Rider saying in summary ''] am going to box Penfold and Numbnuts for dropping me from the Sellers team despite finishing fifth from the top of the averages".
Both Penfold and Numbnuts deny dropping The Knight Rider from the team and both blame each other and say he can be reinstated if he behaves and does not bring with him his-brother.
I have a simular problem with my brother, Numbnuts and Penfold were of the opinion that he did not want to play for Sellers if his brother wasn't allowed to play.
Captain Xerox summed up the situation "We need a bunch of characters not a bunch of tossers" Lets Revive Sellers Social Side says Captain XerOL •• We used to have interdepartmental darts, dominoes, table tennis and cards if anyone is interested in re-establishing sOcial contact again
please phone 2219 and say "Yes". .
I am now in the Sellers Social club after coming straight from work, I have being playing Poole for a hour and a halfwith Captain Cack. I was 7 balled twice and 6,5,4,3 & 2 balled on numerous occasions but managed to win him just once with the help of his expert guidance.
It seems if you hit the queue ball at the bottom, it bounces back to you where-as if you hit it at the top it follows the ball it has just hit.
We won't get burn't chicken curry tonight because The Tin Shop Poet has failed to turn the cooker on, it seems Clive James waS a little bit tipsy for his match on Sunday with statements like "Lets all go to
college and leam fun-jabi" whilst involved in a match against an ethnic majority. .
We are playing against New Inn 'b' with the hits of '93
"Hey Up whats tonights bum't offering" Captain Xerox's Son has just arrived, "Nowt cos I've forgotten to switch the cooker on" says Tin Shop Poet.
It is Captain Cacks break and he pots a red ball from it but misses a follow up shot and as a result his opponent pots a yellow ball in the top pocket and goes for another yellow but misses.
Captain Cack pots another two and his opponent manages a yellow in the top pocket and there are 4 reds and four yellows, Captain Cack pots one of his reds at the botton pocket, then another at the top and manages to snooker his sweating ~nent, the opponent misses.
Captain Cack then misses, and oponent pots yellow top and snookers our Captain, but our captain uses his perfected knowledge of the game and pots a red after bouncing the queue ball off the cushion and then potting the red and black in succesion winning 1-0.
David Beckham is now on after just arriving in his space-ship, Captain Xerox's Son inspires confidence by telling him he is crap but Beckham proves him wrong winning and making it 3-0. The Tin Shop Poet is by now a little p*ssed and is phoning Tiger from Jungle Book, the time is 9:30p.m. "Hello Tiger, this is Terry Sellers from Mellor Sports & Social Club, I am right in the middle of making all these hungry tramps something to eat, I just wanted to know if you and you're
pals wanted to come along as well" /
Clive James complains that he knows every beat and every word to this 0040 LP that The Tin Shop Poet keeps playing, The Tin Shop Poet sadly loses his match but never mind its tea-time.
Clive James told her to stop because she might distract the players but she just waved back, she is a bit dizzy, F*ck knows whats going on, oh it seems Alison has arrived.
Captain Xerox's Son lost but we won as a team 4-2 and we are now having a game of killer. Captain Xerox's Son run off with the first £8 of winnings, that is just typical the rest say and reveal the next big poole meal is bread and water if The Tin Shop Poet does not win this match.
After losing £2 I set off for home on my Atomic mountain bike and I am astonished that the journey only took 6 minutes.
On Tuesday night I had a dream .. "We were all on holiday somewhere, I think it was Butlins and it was during the Summer, I met this girl who I fell in love with", I have just aw.oken on the floor near the wardrobe with a sweat on realising it was only a dream .. b*stard!!
But she said in the dream "This is only a dream, you have to wait for it to be real"
You Havent Clocked In Yet, must learn to accept that our clocking in system does not always work and stop making out that each person is the only one it does not respond to.
"You got home in six minutes, it must be the rocket fuel on your carrier" says Captain Cack, "have you taken into account the club clock is ten minutes slow!".
Poe is still worried about those killer birds (John Hand-cock who is looking forward to the weekend
when The Terriers will slauter The Rams) til
Wonderwood seems to have had a more aerodynamic haircut and has a result manages to make it from the wooden doors in bay 1 of the machine shop to the wicket door in bay 3 injust lmin and 43 seconds, a personel best of recent years.
Magic-man says we should get a gate-house built when they build the new canal and I could live there as a night-watch-man, Magic man says if it is alright he will attend the next pool match and get some team pictures with his camara.
The book I am reading says society has lost touch with the psyche, but, collective individuals at
Sellers are reconnecting in their droves. .
"Captain Xerox have you got a spare 5 mega-bytes to store a lot of writing for safe keeping?". "I do not know what a mega byte is"
"Secret Squirrel have you got a spare 5 mega-bytes to store a lot of writing for safe, keeping?"
"They will be OK on floppy disks" he replies -
"There are loads of stray magnetic fields and 1 need them on another hard d;ive" "Steph is the person to ask, she has f*ck all on her machine"
Lady Penelope now has all the stories on her PC with a file called "Disco.doc" has the key.
Clash Of The Curry Titans: MAGIC MAN vs TIN SHOP POET Friday 26th February in the Canteen, posters soon to be posted, we require 6 unbiased tasters to judge the dishes
The lift and the crane have broken down in the stores and due to the loss of this vital department we all have to go home at 3:45p.m.
"Where is the instruction manual for emptying the wheelbarrow" asks Born 2B Wild. What The Hell is Quantum Mechanics you all ask ...
When we look at something we are looking at photons 'bounced' off an object, if the object is very small such has an electron, which is part of an atom, then the electron's position is changed by the very act of the photon bouncing offit. The photon and the electron behaving like two billiard balls. In real terms we are actually like people sat in a cave with our backs to the entrance, the light whilst
watching the shadows. .
We only leave this cave when we leO'f/!'this life to become photonic matter once more.
Remember it is our brains that form the shadows based on a collective memory which is conditioned by social conformity Guess what I have been reading that book again called "Beyond Supemature" by Lyall Watson, it is Wednesday after dinner.
Mr Happy's brain runs on the same frequency as the flashing light on the top of the stacker truck and this causes him migraine, however thankfully the bulb has gone.
Just been across to the Tin Shop and Tin Snips tells us all a joke "What do you call a aardvark that can't fight, vark".
Numbnuts is excited because "Cars" by Gary Numan has just been played on Radio 1 and Numbnuts is a big fan of Gary Numan and is looking forward to him re-releasing his greatest hit LP next year. Conversation with Cheesy ...
"Have you known your dad, Wonderwood a long time" "Cheesy what would you do if you were me?" ... "Shoot myself'
"I have had 18 jobs so far and 1 do not believe in staying in one place too long because you either get institutionalised or the CM catch up with you for deeds in your past. "
There are 10,000 million atoms in the average cell that forms the human body
There are 10,000 million cells in the human brain each connected to millions of others and this forms the thing we call consciousness.
There are a stable population of 10,000 million brains on this planet (stabilising around 2095) each connected to each other by British Telecom, forming the next level of consciousness.
There are 10,000 million planets in our galaxy capable of sustaining life
maybe 10,000 million is a quantum leap in understanding life
MAD MICK stories are part of JEDI MICHAEL PUBLICATIONS 1999, NZ24R 14/2/99
H you wish to enquire about other titles from Mad Mick or fancy a Weird & Wobbly contact EMail sellersengineers@compusen'e.com or my manager MR John Earnshaw at home Mobile •.• DON'T WORRY & BE HAPPY •. Bye
Why is there no toilet roll in the fitting shop bogs, this is giving rise to my newsletters being used to wipe arses now this must stop.
I am now listening to "Vulnerable" by Roxette, this song always reminds me of my life with Pud who has just come to pick Luke up to take him to see Thomas the tank engine at York leaving me alone but not lonely because I have got the s~ts to keep me company.
Step Reebok [Roger] is going to Egypt to learn to walk like an Egyptian with The Incredible Hulk, the Tin Shop say they are going to cut a piece of the office floor out for him to take with him so he feels at home. A blow up "Stroll On" was suggested by one character who wishes to remain totally anonymous but can be seen working when we are sleeping with his miners light.
Oasis and Hamster Spring A Leak have fallen out because somebody keeps writing "Twat" on the back of Oasis's overalls when he goes home and Oasis thinks its Hamster Spring A Leak but its really somebody with a squeaky voice who works nearby.
The Jedi Master comes to see us all Thursday evening and takes over my job on the saw, I go to prepare for my Thursday night lessons and this week its psycho kinetics, moving objects using the force, I pass the test and am rewarded Jedi Status.
The Jedi Master said he would like a job at Sellers on the saw.
It is Friday morning and after all the adverse publicity in the national press this week, Tinky Winky who is shortly going to buy a new RS2000 convertible and a pair of sunglasses is requesting a name change to The Fonz.
Scoop Re-Appearing Derek see the next issue for detail
We seem to be acquiring a lot of cut up fifty bar thanks to Night Burties instruction to Chiefy to reject all bar that has any marks on it.
My number one fan, The Rainbow Warrior has just been to see me, he says he likes to cycle to the highest pub in West Yorkshire that is situated somewhere near Halifax.
He says the gas board are ripping Sellers offby charging us for December twice, he then asks me about Oasis who he thinks is a bit of a sullen character and not very sociable and I tell The Rainbow Warrior that Oasis has an Open University degree in Social Science.
It is Friday dinnertime and while I am washing my hands I find out that The Balloon Wardens bath is leaking.
Just been up to The Rat and there was Captain Pugwash, Rainbow Richard, Magicman, The Silent Wonderer, Roberta, David beckham and me all sat in silence watching a pussy cat.
So I say a joke what my Jedi Master told me the night before to break the ice .. "What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?"
· "You can unscrew a light bulb" I do not seem to have created any rapport.
II What is the difference between you and a polo mint says Magicman, people like polos.
What have a woman and a prawn got in common, the pink bit in the middle is alright but the rest is full ofbull-sh*t adds Magic man.
"What is the transfer fee to the electricians" asks Ettie Wainthropp "Nowt the stranger than folk" comments magic man as we leave the Rat.
It is Friday afternoon and Aussie says that Cuz Wally and Chiefy have gone to look at a new play station that Capt. Morecambe is thinking of buying. Captain Morecambe has recently enquired weather he can borrow the £ 147 lottery money that the Machine shop has won to date to help fund the venture. "Bloody hell she must have the hots for him, Captain Cack has had more phone calls than
Captain Beaky" says Chief)', it is Friday and the extended hour. . , .
We have only 4500 Kellogg's Com flake tops to collect for our new clocking Inmachine says Aussie and between us we have collected 5000 Walkers Crisp packets for books for Wally's toy box,
I am now heading for Beavis & Buttheads for a couple of rolls of wallpaper for a panicking Ettie Wainthropp. On the radio the DJ reports that "My wife left me due to a 2 year addiction to gambling is there anything 1 can do to win her back"
"The Spice Girl has just brought us two rolls of wallpaper" says Ziggy Stardust as I deliver the items. It is Friday Night and I am at Dominating Donna's and Hop-heads with Dominating Becka and Luke and Dominating Donna wants to tell us all another joke ...
"A Tramp went into a pub arid the landlord says 1 cannot serve you" "The tramp sirys 1 don't want serving, 1 just want a cocktail stick"
"'He goes out of the pub and another tramp comes in .. We cannot serve your sort says the landlord" "1 don't want serving s~s the tramp, 1 just want a cocktail stick .. "
"Finally the tramp returns to the suburban jungle but another tramp comes in. ... "
"1 don't serve your sort says the lan410rdwho is by now p*ssed o.IJby the sight of them, 1 don't want serving says the tramp, 1 just want fi straw"
"The landlord says welt I've had two tramps for cocktail sticks and now I've give you a straw, what do you want all these items for?"
"Somebody has been sick outside and someone has eaten all the lumps and 1 want the rest" DOMINATING DONNA'S JOKES get ready for next weeks stonker ..
Pud, Luke's Mum has just arrived and she complains of her other siblings activities today .. "Do you know what Ben did today, he put my TV remote control in the fish tank".
"Its not what you know, its who you know" says Hop-head as Pud is getting her hair done by her sister Dominating Donna, Hop-head then puts on "If you leave me now" by Chicago.
Now we are being entertained by "Good-bye" by The Spice Girls and Hophead congratulates Luke because he has not left any deposits on his carpet.
Clive James is also coming back to work at Sellers, its finally Saturday Morning and Aussie says he has a pair of Mystics underpants and he is working out how he can machine one of the new Weird & Wobblies uprights. Li££le Tony was caught doing 104m.p.h on the M62 ...
"This fu *king volvo was right up my arse and my clock said 110m.p.h. so 1 pulled into the second lane to let him pass, but, he followed me, then he showed me a film which showed 1 did an average of 98m.p.h. He then gave me a producer and said happy birthday, cos it was my birthday and 1 have not heard owt else yet.. .. "
David Beckham who still carries a torch for Mystic was last night heavily involved with a rather large woman called Carol who is in her late forties. David often still talks about his past love called Mystic when he finally gets uninhibited enough with a lot of alcohol, he did not go out on the last day because he was poorly and not because mystic was there.
"There are 3 Billion woman in the world" says Hamster Spring A leak "It is simply a race against time to shag them all, love yourselfnot nobody else"
"That big fat mama what David Beckham had taken back to her flat at Fartown was reported to be last trying to pull David's pants down after locking the door so he could not escape".
The Giant reveals that all the Brown Smocks are going on that magic roundabout up town for a part of their management course.
Thank you Floating Ronnies wife for half a dozen free range eggs.
It is Saturday afternoon and Wonderwood, my daddy arrives with Judy, his depressed dog, Me.Luke and Becka set off for a long walk to "witches woods" near Brighouse.
It has been a lovely afternoon, just like a summers day, I think as I am sat in witches w~ and Becky and Luke are busy playing happily.
They have made a house out of a piece of pipe dug well into the ground, I think it is an old air raid shelter, but, I am not sure.
Becky says when she was a little girl Pointed Sarah used to carry her and I steeped in her bed, when I am a very big girl I am going to go see my daddy and smoke cigs, drink beer and drive a car.
Luke will be my boyfriend I am going into my house now good-bye ..
Becky is the husband and Luke is the wife now, "Come on darling" says Lukey to his husband. "Can you come into our new house Michael" says Becka, No Michael is not here
"] didn't mean to do that Becky darling" says Luke "lets get some more toys (sticks) these are our toys"says Luke as he comes out of their house.
Becky thinks it is nasty about Tinky Winky being gay and takes Judy, my parents depressed dog into their house. However Judy pops out at the other side and is now stood motionless staring into space. "We are making a house and you are writing it down" says Luke, "Can you get this.fly out of here please husband" says Becka.
Just opened my second can of super, hey its hard work being an observer, I yawn, Becky is going to sleep now, I can hear a pheasant over on the Zeneca site which used to be Bradley Plains and is where Luke's Great Granddads ashes were released.
We are complete people from the day we are born, its our parents who make us conform, I am not bothered about spiders says Luke.
Luke is enjoying being by himself because his nagging wife is thankfully asleep, "This is our favourite house " says Becka to her boyfriend, Luke, they are now playing hide and seek.
"You lied to me, you are sleeping with someone else "says Becka to Luke
"I am sorry husband he has been shot and is; unable to play out today"
"] am going to sleep myself now so] had better set their den on fire"
"Becky and Luke are talking to a telephone at the side of the railway as we make our way back to Bradley"
"Hi Zerina, bloody hell your tits are getting bigger"
"Water-is not warm enough yet, Luke", "Well have a bath in the toilet"
I have just got back from a trip to the witches wood with The Jedi Master who says .... Quotes From My Jedi Master ....
1) As long as you sEY where you are and tell yourself you have to do it because you've always done it, the only payoff you get is to defend your misery.
2) The elevator to success is out of order today. You're going to have to take the stairway, one step at a time
3) Every moment that you spend upset, in despair, in anguish, angry or hurt because of the behaviour of anybody else in your life is a moment when you've given up control of your life
4)Throughout life, the most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done and worry for what might be done
5)People who have behaved toward you in any way that you find disagreeable truly do not know what they have done to you because they are living out of their separateness 6) Everything we fight only weakens us and hinders our ability to see the opportunity in the obstacle
7) Habits are changed by practising new behaviour, and this is true for mental habits as well.
8)Being against something weakens you, while being/or something empowers you"
9)It isn't the world that makes you unhappy, or the way the people are in the world. It's how you process the people and events of our world.
10) Live ..... Be you ..... Enjoy.... Love .....
MAD MICK stories are part of JEDI MICHAEL PUBLICATIONS 1999, NZ24R 14/2199
H you wish to enquire about other titles from Mad Mick or fancy a Weird & Wobbly contact EMail seUersengineers@compuserve.com or my manager MR John Earnshaw at home Mobile 07801-2 ••• DON'T WORRY & BE HAPPY •• Bye
Finally me and the Jedi master went to witches woods once again
That's not how you spell the Teletubbie, hello says Numbnuts, "Eh Ho" well I tell you all that is what it says on my Teletubbie CD back home.
The Tin Shop say that my last story was a pile of crap, well I can only write down sh*t that you guys at Sellers feed me, I am only the collector of the quotes, but, Mr Blobby makes me feel like this is all worthwhile .. "They are good your newspapers they lift you up when you feel depressed, they say laughter is the best medicine, well if you don't have diabetes then its insulin",
It is now finally Monday dinnertime and after a morning in the dungeons lam a little depressed, Born 2B Wild has set Growler on double automatic and Secret Squirrel says my last report Was a pile of sh*te, I by now feel like nothing, but nothing really matters.
Chiefy is showing me his professionally produced speech about betting with little men on it and Cuz Wally says his is on the back of a fag packet, I am heading for the canteen which is where all our
meals are prepared by Lady Spend, Lady Save and Ada-lassie. .
There are early reports that the video prepared' at the Early Learning centre starring all our favourite brown smocks should be put on one night in the club, or even sent to "You've Been Framed".
Cheesy says; "There is a Universal low in life that says listen to your parents and do the opposite, I found this out when my dad said I should be fighting in the trenches like he was when he was three" here Cheesy "Doyou think I take my work home with me?" You are totally mad he says, I do not even mention the word "Sellers" when I am not there.
It is by now Tuesday morning and I am Mt'dniscing with Aussie about my life at York University .. "Professor Woolfson a rather elderly professor was telling us all about the role of the observer in the subject of Quantum Physics, and I blurted out that, Quantum theory was the stepping stone understanding life beyond this incarnation and he took me aside after the lecture and gave me a rather severe telling offfor asking 'Stupid and meaningless questions', he was all red in the face as he told me, another couple of years later my faith was confirmed in my own mind",
Captain Xerox and The Balloon Warden are now playing football in the Balloon Wardens office and I am cutting yet more bed bars off and silently day-dreaming.
Amway Rigsby says "The Balloon Warden came running into the machine shop andjumped over a stillage and started shouting hysterically at the machine shop employees 'Sugies here, sugies coming'. "Walking behind him was Captain Morecambe thinking 'has our Balloon Warden finally flipped' ". Changing the subject one of the machine shop tells me that we have finally saved enough Kellogg's tokens in order to be able to trade them for a new clocking in system, and, we have enough Walkers Crisp tokens to buy The poor Balloon Warden a "Janet & Jane" book and his favourite "Thomas The Tank engine + his friends",
Me and Born 2B Wild are now having our break and somebody looking like they came from "Rentokill" are pulling lots of wires out of the wall, and they have interrupted Born 2B Wild having his break when a big bundle of wires landed on his head.
The Tin Shop Poet invites me once again to the Tuesday night Pool match "We are playing Foresters and they won't touch curry" I reply "Oh good then that's more for me" The Tin Shop Poet says "No I'm afraid its sausage & Chips"
Born 2B Wild says "You get your dinner and the players get what's left over, if you put the 'Early Learning video about our leaders speech's one night the place would be heaving"
"I think its a sh *t idea myself' says The Balloon Warden "When I talk to you I do not see myself I just see your reaction to myselfwith your eyebrows twitching and that big stupid nose and a stupid .... "
A few weeks ago Penfold said he would be my manager and gave me one of those Sellers business card things, with all his personal details on, I ASS U &ME 'd that this was a point of contact.
I couldn't have been further wrong, six news-letters later and despite him admitting to seeing his details at the end of all the last few news-letters, it seems the novelty has worn off This afternoon he came into The Progress and gave me a right bollocking right in front of Cuz Wally who went and told everybody in the works I had been sacked by manager because my last story was so crap.
Why does everybody take life so serious I ask myself .. Life is a game we play and not a battle, If I am having grieffor having a bit of fun then maybe it is time to go ....
Its last thing on Tuesday and my hectic lifestyle is making me feel a little under tile weather but Born 2B Wild says "1 think our two sows in the Progress should be called 'Growler' and 'Sn*l/ch' and this
Monday we are having Growler baptised and exorcised and we should all hold a gathering with some refreshments in the club afterwards. after this Growler will be called Wonder growl"
This lightens my spirit and I decide to cover the Pool match with my observation but he is not finished ... "We ought to take a branch off this computer cable running over our heads and link ourselves on to the internet"
After a can of Lager in the Progress the lights are turned off on me by Mr Blobby and I am now in the club playing "Winner Stays On" "Is it Corned Beef Ash Tonight Terry" Captain Xerox's Son has just arrived.
"Terry is on second to the last when he has a bit of a stagger but is not too pissed" says Captain Cack. Sellen Versus TOP OF THE PREMIER THE FORESTERS ••••
1st Match Q-Ball The Follickly Challenged CLIVE JAMES venus P O'Conner ..
2nd CAPTAIN CACK venus D Smith. ••. 1st match 5 balled one down, 2nd match.5 balled again 2 down •• David Beckham versus Opponent (by now I had stopped writing them tlOWR)
Can David Beckham save the day, opponent takes his break but no balls are potted.
David pots Top left and then bottom left but somehow manages to snooker himself and has a result misses a shot to the middle left.
I do not know what has happened here but David has just potted one of his opponents balls, he then simultaneously in one shot pot two of his yellows, there are 6 reds and one yellow.
Well done David has just potted the remaining Yellow and finished off the match but closely losing by losing the Q ball down one of those holes at the top end thankfully the force was with him, his opponent was ~ Marsland.
The Tin Shop Poet is complaining about Floating Ronnie because it is the third time the Foresters have come here and the lager he's dried up! and guess what "Flash" by Queen is on, the next match I am bringing some tapes of my own.
Captain Cack and Q-Ball: The FollicklyQallenged Clive James are battling against there opponents it has been 5 Yellows and 2 Reds on the table for ages .. What do you mean Flash Gordon Approaching Is echoed around the club for the billionth time.
We are The Champions is on now by Queen, we keep fighting to the end .. Captain Cack has just missed and it is 3-1 down .. The last two matches are:
The Tin Shop Poet vs Aston and Captain Xerox's Son Vs Luck
Its 4-1 and The Tin Shop Poet lost and Allison says that you cannot get a cold in the Antarctic, QBall: The Follickly Challenged Clive James was first up when new potatoes, Yorkshire Pud and special chilli gravy were served, somebody tells me while I am scoffing my face that it is 5-2 and I say to what eleven? Sellers have lost 5-2 Oh ...
It is Wednesday morning after pedalling home and arriving at 11:26p.m. and spending the rest of the night dreaming about the bloody place ...
Magic man says that he dreamt of me last night, oh yer and what was it about, eh, "You were socialising so much that Sellers blew up, The Ex Captain went barmy and his mum was robbed".
Jedi Laa Laa didn't get to do his speech on the Big Bang Theory of Creation of The Universe, but, never mind Tuesdays release for this week is "XR7RR". He says he heard a big crunch in the early hours of Tuesday morning and discovered somebody had attempted to burgle him but Cuz Wally says it probably was the old butterflies.
Onslo's speech about a subject called philately, stamp collecting at The Early Learning centre was reported to be very good, I have now put my penny black in a most secret place, Strangely one of Forest, my brothers, hobbies was stamp collecting before he became permanently horizontal.
Yellow Squad leader managed to waffle on and had to be stopped after twenty minutes, he was talking about "Centrifugal Force", however if there was nothing in the Universe then how could something be said to be spinning ... Mach's Principle.
Chiefy's betting system was well timed lasting just 5 minutes and well received.
I think may-be we could do something similar in the Sellers Social Club by having talks on our favourite subjects, I will start the ball rolling with MADONNA and her music if you all want to do it I could bring along my CD's.
Dwain Dibbly did a speech about Sellers Quality System and Squeaky did one about fixing a puncture on his lads bike.
SAT 24th APRIL @ 8:15 P.M. there is DARTS + POOL + DOMINOES although nobody knows where the venue is, but it is not at Hall Bower Cricket Club
"1 don't drink any more do I Tin Shop Poet" "You don't drink any less neither asd the coffee machine
in our tin shop has been diddling everybody" he replies. -
Cuz Wally is doing a presentation about the subject "Work" in our next wave of participants for The Early Learning Course .. "What does Wally know about work, you need a subject you know something about and is The Balloon Warden talking about football or Huddersfield Town" says Aussie.
I am talking to Onslo about stamp collecting and I suggest that it is boring whilst giving out the crime sheets, "Your left hand does not know what its [write] hand is doing, think about it"
Wonderwood my daddy, ''If I had of gone I would of done a talk about Red Indians"
"Well daddy, sixty two or not it would still of been another feather in your cap"
Crazy said ''] was going to do shagging but then changed my mind to wanking and finally settled on Thenno-Nuc/ear Dynamics and realise I would have to wear your hat so decided not to go"
The Crane men have not returned this Wednesday morning after causing a fire at the back of Aussies wardrobe which is the gateway and is where we believe many of our fellow employees disappear to in
times of crisis, it is more like real life there I think. .
The Big Phone Debate
If You Want To keep the pound phone 2243
If You Want a change and want the new Euro phone 2244 And if you don't give a fuck don't bother ...
Next Week, The Big Nose debate, it is Thursday afternoon and I am dancing to "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson much to the amusement of Hamster Spring A Leak down in the dungeons of Sellers. Lady Penelope shortly after came down into the dungeon and retuned our radio to Galaxy F.M. which even got Born 2B Wild doing some erotic moves.
I arrived late Friday morning and used excuse #22, "Got a puncture" and found out that Ettie Wainthropp [Jimmy Clitheroe] did a talk about how to build a decoder that receives all the satellite channels with a dustbin lid and some double sided sticky tape.
Stroll On managed to make a stress free Christmas Dinner and The Jedi Master learnt me last night how to use the Jedi's weapon a piece of 3 "X r
Ettie continues "most of the channels are in French and my French is not very good, I only know Swais de neuf i.e 69 and you will have no problem finding my house it looks like Jodrell Bank"
I am now sat in the Rat, there is in my observation Captain Pugwash, Person, Ettie Wainthropp, Roberta who Clive James says mascara has run a bit, there is also Silent Wonderer.
It is revealed in the pub that Captain Morecambe did a speech about selling a machine to Saudi Arabia and Barry Shene did of course motorbikes, and The Chapel Hill salesman did his best to try to sell a Weird & Wobbly.
It seems that this week Ratchet Jaw 4 3/4 got hit by a falling G-Clamp, it was 2'6" long and weighed 1/2 ewt. it cut his head open and made him go blind for 1/2 hour but he did not have stitches they just tied two hairs together said Captain Pugwash or Domestos to his friends.
The Rainbow Warrior says he did a talk about those "Fly On The Wall" TV Documentaries but did remark that Stroll On's{was hilarious ... "Put six cup fulls of cider in't sauce for the turkey instead of the recommended 6 T-Spoons and the bird ran around the table three times and vomited in the soup". Dominating Donna's only joke tonight is sat at the side of her, I may be fat but you are ugly, at least I can go on a diet says somebody it seems Pud has arrived.
I am up at Hop-heads and it is as USUal completely mad, Becka went to fetch Luke from nursery for their team photo and The Ethnic minority are the majority.
I have not got wrinkles and my nose is putting everybody in the shade, and Zooming Jason uses your stories as toilet paper says Pud.
Which of us is normal we all ask each other, is it Luke, Becka, Dominating Donna, Hop-head, Pud or Me, Mad Mick er Jedi Michael. "Richard why don't you give it a break your mouth is tiring"
Me and Luke are sat at The Jedi Masters house with Cleopatra our next door neighbour could talk a glass eye to sleep. Pud seems to have got bit by a another dog, dogs will fight remarks the Jedi Master. Did you give the dog any of your poison remarks Wonderwood.
Saturday afternoon and me and Luke see a guy walking through witches wood watching TV and Luke is throwing a teapot around in front of The Jedi Master and his fiancee Cleopatra, "What would you do if you saw Star Wars walking past with his paper bag"
It is Saturday night at my house, Me, Hop-head, Dominating Donna are all worshipping The Jedi Master, Hop head says he was injected three times by a dentist and our Jedi Master says was it from behind. My mum says you don't look good Hop-head, well I don't think she looks very good neither NZ27R Phone 01484 540101 for details of other titles by MAD MICK 28/2/99
Chiefy asked his men at the meeting if they had clocked on the cost saving bar -code as I removed my trousers waiting for the meeting to commense.
The Not Vice Captain arrived and said "We don't know what the Sheffield :Ea.gles will do tomorrow", LaaLaa said "get to match" as Deep Dave arrives ~ a bit late, Ettie Wainthropp is not yet present and pop will probably be hung round door waiting for a time-sheet.
The Not Vice Captain put a transparent on the projector and "What Is Happeiting" was projected on to the screen, "It was march 2nd when we decided to do something and now its May 1 st and we have been through 40% of the 164 ideas,QIlt forwar~.
Ettie Wainthrop arrives as the Not Vice Captain is putting upa :nmlticoloured pye chart indicating the preportion of ideas to different categories and the actual engineering ideas were about 15%. Tiny Tears arrives ....
The cost of the cost cutting meetings were about £352 'or about 22 hours, Chiefy says is that just producers time not non-producers to which Not Vice Captain agrees.
The Not Vice Captain said that the Layout of the machine' and fitting _ were a priority and The recording of defects is a must, he also suggested a roller manufacture facility plus a more modular design to dryers.
He produced the wooden diagram of the machiae shop that me and the Balloon Warden made.
Chiefy asked where is the grinding being moved to ..
Not Vice Captain said Tiny tears had done a study and come up with the most probable resiling of the Grinding after it has been flattened will be The Paint Shop and the Teletubbies would move to a bay in the Tinshop meening we would move some of the lighter tinning work accross at Lawtons.
He said the Canal has put in a compulsory purchase order which Sellers has objected to which Mr Happy said "Come on they are not coming alway from Liverpool to Hull and missing a bit, what about moving site altogether.
Not Vice Captain said "Its all in the future nothing is finalised yet but we have to start now implementing cost saving ideas now, there is all sorts of options its up in the air". Chiefy gave Ettie Wainthropp a kiss because they are going to have a closer relationship from now on ..
Out of 164 ideas there were just 9 they are not doing; *No Change for dinner hours
*No laser cutter for profile but this suggestion has raised the profile on the production of other components using laser cutting
* Booking fittinJf ~ to more sections
* Inclusion of t~de on drawings but there will be a new system that will put more information on bar-codes.
* Purchase of tubes in random lengths * Purchase of a up dated profiler
* Further information from sales why don't they just pick up phone and talk to one another, It's good to talk.
With this Wheel-barrow made an objection regarding the latter point he said to design a machine we need written information and feedback as well, there are occasions when toes are trodden on when talking to customers
Not Vice Captain said he would throw it back into pot and Curly comes on stage with
the nitty gritty .. '
The number of suggestions per department ranged from the Red Team with 13% up to the Blue team with 26% and with this Laa Laa said "its not fair the Yellow team havn't had as many meetings thats why the blue team are in front".
Pink Team 34 suggestions 33 reviewed and 10 Unbelievably Urgents and with 10 priorities.
Blue Team 43 suggestions 43 reviewed and 13 unbelievably Urgents and with 13 priorities, They have only managed to review 13 of the 41 Yellow team suggestions
spawning 3 DUs and 3 priorities. .: '
The Green team have produced 24 which have all been reviewed spawning just 1 UD and the Red Team have had 20 of there 22 suggestions reviewed and there are no UD's as yet.
As a result of3 projects in the Fitting shop that came from the Blue Team, a mixed bag of people; Pop, Deep Dave, BMW, Ettie Wainthropp, Jelly head and even The Balloon Warden best friend.
WE saved £££U£ as 30% of rrtters time is spent searching for parts meaning 8 men X 15 hours X 48 weeks on average @ £16 perperson that i~ £92,160 per year.
Windows arrives late as Ettie Wainthropp said we won't get that till we get a better layout to which Chiefy says "We could of had a 6% payrise" .
Wally says he wants to tranfer Chiefy to the Tin-Shop to which SBSW replies "don't bother!".
Dissapearing Derek arrives as Drawing office savings are brought up and they will save £24,576 and Ettie Wainthropp enquires when we are going to get a better layout.
Not Vice Captain said "It is up to you" and Chiefy says "How can they when 6 machines are stood". Laa Laa says why don't we dump em in Paint Shop.
Onslo's area said we could use O.5mm cable instead of 0.75 or Imm a saving of30% per metre and use a cable tray and trunking where possible save £290.
That is Curly done back comes Not Vice Captain ...
"Did you enjoy yourselves" he says to which SBSW said "people will notice when it comes into practise" Not Vice Captain responded with "lets get things moving" .. Laa Laa said it will not save money by not painting certain motors
Windows said "Calm down you won't even see them"
Laa Laa "load of crap"
Not Vice Captain "Things are moving on and we haven't got through all the ideas yetany more ideas anybody"
Big Brother said "We have accepted £632,000 for the Egypt job and we need to cut costs the high pound is crippling us"
" The last 3 head horizon was sold for £225,000 and out of this £140,000 was spent on bought out parts and a lot are difficult to reduce for example £ 15,000 for downs castings, £11,000 for hydraulics.
The Captain is taking a gamble to keep us in employment, It broke his heart making 34 people redundant last year and he doesn't want it to happen again, Big Brother said with a tear in his eye.
Not Vice Captain said we still have 104 suggestions to look at and produce actions for Windows said surely strong pound should help when purchasing cylinders because they are bought abroad.
Mr Happy said "Yes but we might get more orders"
Not Vice Captain "Can get stuff cheaper from alternative suppliers but we got to check if they are crap"
Ray says we had most of ideas on communication and only 15% on actual engineering of the machines that doesn't mean there is only a 15% saving in redesigning the machines.
Not Vice Captain says just cos Man united won 5 Chelsea 0 doesn't mean they cannot do better they could of won ~o.
Dipsy says what is Man Utd to do with this meeting
Wheel-barrow says "We must create different teams it all just needs organising different" .
Not Vice Captain says "Clocks on onslo time and I have worked to fihish at 12p.m. and its actually only 10 to.
Mr Happy says "one of our meetings I was asked to write down all castings that are chilled (after I read about chilled castings on a lollypop stick) where dol write them down on the back of my fag packet?"
He should report them to his foreman, H, when, every casting is chilled and it costs more in tips because castings are harder
\
SELLERS SPORT
Jolly nice sandwiches will be served and afternoon tea will be served and often we are accompanied with a tornado at the Singles match on 28th June, where we all have a go a bowling in a friendly knockout with the All-Stars.
Loopy Luke will be there with Mad Mick and its a great day out, we have a lot of laughs, if you can't make the 28th June why not try in the Pairs Knockout on Sunday 9th August.
The Buffet layed on is worth the wait, but the atmosphere is electric as the All-Stars are weighted down with severe handicaps to give the non bowlers a chance
The best player is me at the moment when talking about Sellers pool team said Alex Higgins;
The team composes of Me, Joe Pasquali in reserve, David Beckham, Captain Cack (started winning after a bad start), Willy Thorne and the son of the Great Xerox we are currently top of Section I heading for the premier.
Uncle Col (58 points) has spent the first three matches at the not position in the Sellers All-Stars, the N02 position has been occupied this week by Mystic Mark (48 points) , our captain, knocking Aussie to No3 (47 points).
Following the break-up of my relationship with Adele my ex-girliiiend I needed something to help me, I was desperate, so I choose Prozac.
I knew the time had come to move on even though Madonna's 1996 single "One More Chance" was in the Top ten. she had cheated for the sixth time and this time was pregnant.
I have a son to her so I had to keep friends regardless of my anger, but I also knew I was not the perfect boyfriend and perhaps she deserved better.
I went to the doctors and said I want to die there is nothing left, he put me on anti-depressant tablets called Prozac.
Prozac gave me courage to expose my mad character to let loose at last that locked up individual I've been all my life- that isolated creation.
It allowed me to interact with others without feeling inhibited but it also robbed energy from the future because since I have left the medication I have lots offiiends but no means to keep up that hectic social life since it was held up chemically.
I feel I am constantly balancing on a precipice and without my loyal friends in Bradley feel I would of gone under ...
Damian Davis was one friend who realised I was really suicidal, he tried his best to help me despite my frequent leaks on his sofa, for this I am permanently debted.
Prozac is a drug that is designed to increase serotonin production in the human brain to reduce feeling inhibited in the company of others.
Prozac saved my sanity
I have since made a bit of effort at the tasks life present us with as obstacles and I am still trying to present a personality to the world, I thank my son, Luke for my excuse to carry on living without any more negative influence.
I have just returned from Sellers kids Christmas Party it felt just like home from home after last weeks escapades in the machine shop, Luke was a bit apprehensive about visiting Father Christmas but a bit of encouragement off Lady Penelope soon overcame his shyness I will now go back to my day off on Thursday 3rd December so I could get a few jobs that urgently required attention, of course I looked after Luke Wednesday night and his mum Pud, glad of the rest came to pick him up at 1pm The insurance loss adjuster was next to visit me, he said he could get back all the items that had been stolen, this was an enormous relief Next I had to visit the doctors, Captain Beaky had given me the final blow to my mood stability after issuing a written warning and this following many other blows has resulted in depression (suppressed anger) rearing its ugly head again I told my Doctor that I was feeling down again and explained about my recent burglary and showed him Captain Beaky's written warning. He asked me why I dont find a better job somewhere else that would better fit my education because he reckoned that the lack of mental exercise was contributing to my depression swings.
Then he asked me what I thought was wrong with me.. I ask you a doctor asking his patient what was wrong with him... that's a real comforting thought isn't it?! I asked him if he has ever beard of the genetic disorder called ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) giving rise to various types of over compulsive behavior such has walking, writing or reading.
I then told him about my dad, Wonderwood and my brother Forest and then the doctor quickly gave me the prescription, I am now back at my flat after doing my shopping where I saw David Beckham and 1 Prozac later the world feels a better place....
I arrived Friday morning at Sellers, Cheesy says no turning back now as I clock in at seven fifteen... "any doom and gloom stories yesterday Born 2B Wild?"....
''Only old wage packet... '' comes the reply.
I am now on the M62 with the pickup heading for Swinton, they have music over the tanoy there I remember, what is it with Will Smiths records why do they always go hen hey all the time are the other thoughts in my head, its good is Prozac it makes you feel rosy.
It is now last thing on Friday and me, Phil Collins and Rainbow Richard are loading up Sophie with all the big bits on 35482 it was realised that a driver for Sophie would be required for the following Saturday morning and so Phil Collins went to see the balloon Warden in order for him to make a decision regarding myself working Saturday Morning.
After a lot of deep thought and soul searching the balloon Warden in his divine wisdom decided ''It would cause a lot of trouble".
I hid the keys for Sophie, my girlfriends and Rainbow and Phil Collins promised that Sophie would not be moved until Monday morning.... However.. Monday Morning soon arrived...
Thankfuylly... after a very enjoyable weekend.
It turns out that Ettie Wainthropp [THE Vice WARDEN has been driving Sophie up and down all day Saturday....
Just because there is no work for the machine shop does not mean that the Progress are also not busy. The Balloon Warden failed yet again to make a proper decision and the result is that men are not allowed in whilst others do their jobs.
It has been suggested by Mr Blobby that with the festive season upon us once again we could have a system of Post-box's situated throughout the works so that employees can send one another Christmas cards, a bit like we used to do at school.
Magicman could be the postman also on the subject of music over the tanoy debate Mr Blobby suggested Hi-De-Hi Hello Campers sort of music.
The Tin Shop Poet has written a poem with me as the subject and with his kind permission I have been allowed to include it in my letter to the works... ' There once was a lad called mad Mike / Who traveled to work on a bike One day he was late / cycling through the gate Which was something his employers didn't like....
Your time keeping it must get better / He was warned in the form of a letter If you're once again late / The sack will be your fate Your excuses are just getting wetter He says he's now a Jedi Master / But his bike is a transport disaster His excuses don't wash / So he must borrow some dosh From his father and buy something faster So if you don 't want to end up like Mad Mick / And don't want to have arseholes to lick Don't go smoking dope / That just gives you false hope Don't come to work have off sick Reproduced courtesy of THE TIN SHOP POET....
Numbnuts said I should of watched the interview with George Michael on Saturday night ... George's next single is a remix of the Wham classic retitled appropriately "Wank me off before you go go', bloody hell Cher has fallen to no 2 after seven weeks at the top! Captain Cack says that this years Christmas bonus is a gross insult we get paid until quarter to four anyway even last year's bottle of vinegar was better than this meanwhile Born 2B Wild is blowing a fuse about Ettie Wainthropp [The Vice Wardens] driving Sophie over the weekend.
They treat us like kids says Aussie so why not act like them he adds when interviewed about Fridays big event, we hope that even hamster spring-a-leak joins in as well.
Crazy gives me a polite warning when I am busy unloading a J Scray in Teletubbie-land "Its my car at the top of the slope this week and if you run into it I will run into your oversized nose with my fist" that's not very nice remarks Laa-Laa Old man of the North has just entered Teletubbieland looking for his chip pans while Born 2B Wild jokes that its a wonder anybody receives Christmas presents at The Balloon Wardens house... with the Balloon Wardens indecisiveness Aussie adds.... 'Hello Captain Beaky... Its The Balloon Warden... What should I get my wife for
Christmas?????''
"Its psychological warfare" remarks Aussie....
Count Down To Balloon Day....
Secret Squirrel comes into the Progress with some work boots...
''Where is Born 2B Wild he's like Cinderella, how can a man not know his own shoe size, its the third pair in as many weeks " The Balloon Warden is offering a substantial reward for any information leading to the culprit who keeps putting stickers of Dumbo The elephant and other idiotic characters all over his office.... "Its absolutely ridiculous... I have a day off and there are stickers all over the place why do they act like kids when they are grown men'' The Rainbow Warrior {Mike Smith one of my most dedicated readers can I say hello to my son at Lancaster University) is busy unloading bottles of bud out of one of the Sellers vans as I head to the canteen to order a couple of burgers...
''The Bumper Christmas Edition is still on despite Beaky's abuse of power... it does keep up morale that and Diet Coke Break and of course Lady Penelope'' ''What was that kid'' says the Balloon Warden when magic man lets a fully inflated balloon deflate on its own without assistance in his office The Tin Shop Poet revealed today that the false hopes achieved by dope are nothing compared to the false hopes achieved by Prozac... he hopes to do a poem about Prozac if he can ever think of anything to rhyme with it.
Numbnuts says he is now classed as disabled and next year will be having an operation to fit an artificial hand like Luke Skywalker had in Empire Strikes Back after Darth Vader chopped it off So far I have got back from my insurance 8 CD's and a £80 cheque I am still awaiting something to play the CD's on... Hophead has What's The Story Morning Glory, Robbic Williams and another, while The Jedi Master has Ocean Drive and now Numbnuts has Urban Hymns.
It is now 10:40 am. and I am cutting the ends off for 35475 in the Progress, so far ten people have rumoured to have been involved in my recent burglary, my dad Wonderwood said that when he came back from my house on Tuesday night it was like walking through a safari park.
...It is only Wednesday and mysteriously Balloons have appeared in the Progress Toilets where the Finger was seen so long ago... The Finger has since sadly moved on publicity became so great that it simply found a quieter sink to haunt.
Chiefy says that the Brockway Board have given the plant the OK but they want to rent the new and still nameless shear and Ettie Wainthropp [The Vice Warden] promises no more illegal wagon driving.
You got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas says Dipsy, Mr Blobby says he might be coming to the Sellers Kids Party but his Andrew would prefer the bar to be open.
Fast and Wobbly gave me and Aussie the latest on the name for the new shear...
"We have over 40 names but so far the directors have been unable to come to an unanimous decision on one name in particular.. '' He went on to say that Magic mans suggestion of "Shear tech 2000'' is a bit shit and Aussies suggestions despite the advertising value were not taken seriously.
Fast & Wobbly feels that the buffet on the last day is a lot fairer as long as maple do not lose their minds after the third pint and start insulting the directors.
It is Thursday morning at break time and due to Born 2B Wild visiting the doctors I had to dish out the sarnies.... "Are you aright?'' enquires Lady Penelope....
"No not really .... I am insane'' I reply, "Its Balloon Day tomorrow'' I add in a strange voice.
"I bet those who have just come into this country on the back of a wagon are on more money than us'' says Born 2B Wild upon receiving his wage packet......its not worth getting out of bed for'' he Grumbles...."
No body will be admitted into the social club on the last day if not accompanied with a Balloon, our new artifact in the Progress that replaces the Sundial named Buddha; is a gritter ready for the worst winter in living memory says Cuz Wally..
Upon Born 2B Wild's recommendation there is now a ticket on the gritter saying....'... to Tony and John, Happy Christmas... Love Ian" it feels real weird with Captain Beaky being nice to me all the time.
It is 2:30p.m. on Thursday and I am busy unloading Jesus Superstars cockup rollers and now Captain Cack has a hat same as mine and Hamster Spring-A-leak says we are twins.
168 hour man and Silent Sean say that Sellers hats might contain a little homing device so that Captain Beaky can keep track of his employees activities.
The Balloon day at last.. Aussie is busy blitzing the first bay and the balloon Warden has come to work armed with an air rifle since somebody nicked his stick.
Ziggy Stardust comments that The Incredible Hulk land rover looks very pretty but just lacks one essential ingredient written on the balloons... Ettie Wainthropp gives me an apology after throwing off some of his stress after catching me blowing up a balloon "We are grown up men now, but, I know its Christmas'' he says "I am still a child'' I say, ''When did you have the most fun in your life? growing up is another term for being brainwashed to conform to society'' It was 8 minutes past eleven yesterday when Jesus Christ discovered the cock up that I am just correcting and it is 11 am Friday, on the drawing there is a little asterisk to mark the alteration says Cheesy. "You have to watch them asterisks because they can burn you '' says Aussie "if they land on you they really burn, oh no that's asteroids he corrects''
