Misc3

Wing F3 Cell 24

HMP RANBY

RETFORD

NOTTS.

DN22 8EU

Letter To Arrow 2 (LTR 10 R) Letter number two to the most missed character from the city of Bradley...

Hiyah Arrow, I am sat in my bedroom on this November night where I have had to move my computer to in order to concentrate, I feel much more confident has an individual now a days and I hope you will feel the same.

Despite being burgled I do not feel no hatred, they are only material possessions anyhow end I know Arren will be suffering consequences via the force for his actions.

I used to live by the motto "Familiarity breeds contempt'' but this is rapidly being overshadowed by another motto "Its not what you know ... its who you know'' Thank-you Arrow for helping me in my sometimes vulnerable position, being a educated idiot in the middle of the Bradley Estate, Pud (Adele) tells me through your best mate Cabbage that you have already heard about my invasion.

The Masterplan is now on my brother Forests sterio and I fed that during the next millenium this will be achieved by all of us, remember adversity does bring with it wisdom.

As I continue my desperate battle with the Authorities, The Bank, The Council Tax People, The Water-board I have come to realise just how corrupt the system we call civilization really is. I mean how can you be arrested for smoking a plant that has grown in the ground for millions of years.

The problem his most people are brainwashed by TV and The media and believe the government is telling us truths when in fad they are just a group of mindless individuals getting pissed in the house of commons.

So how are you, I hope you are faring a little better than me, I have been meaning to write to you but, have been that busy writing silly stories for my place of work at Sellers where we are all as mad as each other.

I will enclose a copy of Life As A gloried Slave and Secret Squirrels Jedi Academy the latter being one of my latest publications from the place I secrecy love working.

It was smoking that bloody daadoo rail that gave me the confidence to start my writing tournament and it sure beats walking ... Forest.

I was on one of my Friday night visits up to Hop-heads (Richard Kaye] and I was met by Geeves your Pip and Phil Roser and they were all asking Luke if he missed his Uncle Spike like we all do.

Another day I was taking Luke and Dominating Becka for a walk on the old railway line and we bumped into your Claire and her mum, imagine my surprise when I found out Claires mum was Becky's teacher! ! its a small world...

The Jedi Master [Damian] is still having problems with his money but sends his regards and The Knight Rider [Anthony] says that next time I send a letter to you mention his name and he hopes to send a letter himself soon so examine the stamp carefully? I won't be able to send you a stamped address envelope this time because I am tottaly skint whilst writing this, but, next time I write I will do..

I have had some mad times during this incarnation, but soon I must move on to experience the full four dimensions of existence that I will appreciate in the next life, but soon could be anything up to five years.

I know I have always pulled away from knowing people at a too deeper level, I guess this is due to being without a role model with regards to social exchange.

I mean the highlight of my younger years was going to coffee mornings with my maternal grandmother or going to a beetle drive with my nutty cousins or even the ABC tour of York with Wonderwood my dad *Another Bloody Cathedral* Your mother is a very unique person, Arrow, she is incredibly strong with her mind and her force I have always felt throughout my coming of age, listen to her carefully she is a very, very wise woman indeed I am sure you have a lot of your friends writing to you since you are a very much missed part of Bradley life, I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough.

I sit here for another night in this lonely bedroom and let my thoughts flow through me, I do secrecy miss Pud [Adele] but I was just a father figure for her, I miss my son Luke who I love very much and would do anything for.

I haven't had a lot of happiness in this life so far but I feel all that is about to change with avengance, I cannot continue being this person called Mad Mick so I have changed my identity to Jedi Michael.

Listen Arrow, if you concentrate your mind on anything strongly enough it will become reality, it is the power of thought alone that grows up to be our future..

Think of your mind has a garden, an unkept garden will be composed of many weeds these are the fruits of many undesirable thoughts which can be likened to seeds a well kep't garden is carefully cultivated for maximum first impression.

But; we were looking for some action and all we found was cigarettes and alcohol and now our garden of the mind resembles a jungle, I think our dreams are the most important aspen of our lives now a days, it is only then we can have a dress reversal for our possible futures, dreams lie beyond the physical things such as space and time.

Arrow keep your head up and don't forget all your true friends who are rating for your eventual return....

Jedi Michael

I look forward to your return to the place at the connection of the ley lines and I will try my best Arrow to keep the place full of life, thank you for helping me yet again with my problems, it seems even from afar you have an influence round here

Yours Thankfully

Jedi Michael

Also regards sent by: Hophead, Dominating Donna, Becka, Luke, The Jedi Master, Cabbage,

Cleopatra, The Knight Rider. Nesbit, Zooming Jason, Your Mum, Leanne Wonderwood

Battyeford Lill, Forest just keeps right on walking! Pip, Geeves, Phil, and all at Sellers PS We will have a big party for your return....

The government is corrupt not you, you are merely a victim of the times we live in...

While we are living the dreams we have as children fade away Bloody hell I am pissed as usual...

Letter To Arrow 5 LTR7F

Recently in Bradley one of our favourite characters has been put in prison at H~'1P Ranby Nottinghamshire, where their was voices of laughter in the streets there arc none .. even the Shop front crew look depressed.

I hope the leader of The Bradley Mafia is doing a!! rightfor himself, Mustard-man handed me one of your letters Arrow, so 1 could write to you and thank you for all the help you and your brothers have given me when I moved back to Bradley.

Everybody is preparing for a big celebration when you get out, keep believing in your Force which is very strong and you will find the strength ... you say in your letter that you miss yourself 1 am sure that you have to act different when you are in there .. but they can't change you

Your best mate Mustard-man (remember putting mustard on his lips the day 1 was burgled) seems to be really missing you he even read all the instructions to the Prozac packet I gave him. Even your brothers pip and TIle Jedi Master seem really quiet along with all the rest of Bradley, I took Luke and Princess Becka down to the river this weekend and we built a rope swing, 1 told them there Uncle Spike had fallen down a nearby hole and was battling with

Darth V ador.

1 think you miss your sex lite judging from your letter where you refer to yourself as Jake The Peg with an Extra leg, but I have been celibate since January ! 996 and feel I have just become

a 'TeIJ~ creative wanker.

Like Oasis say whatever lite throws at us in this incarnation we just have to "Be Ourselves because we can be nobody else" and 1 no longer live under the waterfall I think your brother has taught me that.

You gave me a lot of respect in your interactions with me and in return 1 will give you respect in return, I never judge people on here say ... I have found great reward in my writing and would recommend anybody in prison with a lot of time on their hands to do the same.

I still visit Old Hophcad (now the Sorcerer [Richard Kaye]) on a Friday night along with his fiancee dominating Donna who send their friendship to you, they also visit me taitIl1:tdly every Saturday night when we have recently started making curries.

1 know 1 am a Mad personality but it does help in these times of the turning of the millennium to be a little crazy, I am now sat here in front of my computer it is Monday Night after another eventful day at my partial prison ... Sellers.

I am sentenced to spend most of my life slaving for Sellers, I write most of my stories about the bloody place as well for God's sa.1<:e, 1 work at Sellers, write for Sellers and Dream about Sellers .... no wonder I am Mad.

I miss Luke my son terribly on nights like these, he has just started at nursery lI1 Bradley and when J asked him if he was scared on his first day he replied "No Daddy I wasn't scared because the teachers left the lights on".

I hope this letter docs not take you 3 seconds to read, I will also send you a copy of my mad latest story called "L(fi: After Death" which relates an experience 1 had when 1 was in hospital for Ll weeks after using alternate methods of getting high.

In those 11 weeks of taking each day one at a time 1 learned more about life than most of us do in ten lifetimes, T am writing my next Jetter for your brother The Jcdi Master; to the social who are trying to get everybody working for them.

Can T come for a scsh with you, bones [Mustard man] and Azzaz when you get out, who knovis

1 might have found a female mad enough to coexist with me by then.

What is Bradley like nowadays? well its just quict.i.Forcsr Gump my brother still wonders around in his own world, my dad Wonderwood and mum Battyeford Lill still plod on to my house every weekend.

1 think my family are like robots unable to be freed from their fixed routine, that is why 1 act so different from everybody else.

1 have just been visited by Saz (Sarah Kaye) and Laz (Laura Doughan) who helped me entertain Luke yesterday, across the road your Pip was walking past with two of his mates and 1 told him 1 was writing you a letter he said "sound".

TIle bowling team wi!! miss you next season being one of our best players .. .it is not has easy for my to write now-a-days lacking an essential ingredient to my writing.

My dad Wondenvood is still etema!!ygrateful to you for saving his house, as l am for that show of support you gave me when! was robbed, though! no longer feel any bitterness towards the robbers.

Since you have gone inside though 1 have decided to take house insurance, that will be paid weekly along with my rent, I am now listening to Wondcrwall and remembering dancing round the cross in a sort of hypnotic trance.

It was here you and your mates really helped me as the bottom fell out of my life, we had many discussions about Daadoo rail and the pub in them days used to be packed out as we all enjoyed ourselves to the full.

I wish 1 could find a lass again as Mad as Adele but this time somebody who loved me more than I loved her instead of the other way round, but, in retrospect I think I have done the best I could for her.

God I could usc a piece of Daadoo rail right now to get away from the depressive swings I suffer, it would look lovely on my wall ..

Anyvv'ay I am sure you will come back to Bradley even brighter, than before, and Bradlev will be reunited with its most missed character ...

TAKE CARE ..... SEE YA LATER.

1 will try and write again (if you want)

From Burt (as The Jedi Master), Bones (as Mustard-man), Pip, Wondenvood, Forest, Battyeford Lill, Azzaz, Shop Front Crew, Shop Front Girls, The Little John, Sirnmies Dad, Your mum, Saz & Laz, Luke (as Bart Simpson), Princess Becka, Adele (as Acid Tongue) [who is reunited with ZOO11'.ing Jason again! I, Richard Kaye (as The Sorcerer), Dominating Donna and I am sure many others.

Keep in there with Daddy

9608 Wing F3 Cell 24 HMPRANBY RETFORD NOTTS. DN228ED

Letter To Arrow 3 (LTR 13 R)

Hi Arrow, its Mad Mick again, I hope you are fighting fit.

The big news around these parts at the moment is Leanne (Adeles Sister) has given birth to a little girl called Chelsea on Christmas day and Adele is now expecting her third kid which she hopes will be a daughter this time.

I must now hand you over to your big brother called The Jedi Master to me but I think its Burt to you. Hi Kid, I hope you are doing OK and keeping yourself out of the shit.

Well mad head me and Kristy are still together but its a mad. as shit situation, I hope you hurry up and get back out because I do miss you and my hairdresser has disappeared. We are all having a big, big piss up when you get out, to celebrate your freedom.

I cannot write to you myself because I am struggling at the moment on just £90 per fortnight for two of us and I cannot afford a stamp but I will keep in touch via Mad Mick.

I think it is shocking how you got sent down, I turned up at Huddersfield Magistrates court but you wasn't there you was in Wakefield or something, it was me that had to tell your Claire. Bones won't stop being a dick-head and I have threatened him rather severely and I don't talk 'to Arren or all Pip's dick head friends.

I feel a lot meaner now I have to look after Bradley now that you are away, I love you but I have no money to send to you or I would ...

Times Are Hard

Thrills are Cheaper Your Anns Get Shorter

Your\Pockets Get Deeper

U know how it is .. Love Damain + Kristy + Sam (my cat) + Hamster. Now I will pass you over to Luke (my loopy son)

Hello its Luke, I am missing you my teacher at nursery is called Mrs Allot and I like he~. I have got a new bike for Christmas and I keep falling off it and Me and Ben got some quads which Jason can't get into, but when he can we ride them down at the yard.

When I went to another house Jason went through the window and Jason

got the lock off but he didn't use his keys.

I love you Spike and I don't like you being in prison daddy is always smoking Daadoo rail and drinking beer and weeing his bed.

Luke will you go in the room while I finish this letter, right Mad Mick is back.

I will send you my last two stories {Luke has just put a tape on} one is called "Nothing Really Matters" after Madonna's new single and the other is called "If You Read This Letter Your Life Will Be Better".

Luke has just found his song "Teletubbies say eh-oh", Luke says the Teletubbies spilt water allover the floor on the last episode and wonders if you watched it when Naughty Noo Noo got drunk. When all the computers go nuts at the end of this year a lot of information will be lost and a lot of inmates will be free to go if they play their cards right.

I am in the process of writing my newest story and a letter to the highways for your mum to save the grass at the front of her house because that new neighbour who has moved in next to your brother wants to get it tarmaced, Oh I will send you my letter to the Council tax as well.

That man on the radio says the Teletubbies are coming on next week says Luke, I am now listening to Perfect Day which I know it will be for you this time next year.

I feel a lot better in myself and have gained a lot of confidence after all the shit that has hit me since I moved to Bradley, but you cannot hide forever from life can you.

I will send you two stamped address envelopes so you can send a reply to your brother.

This writing is really starting to take off and I hope by the time you are released I will be making a little money from it. .. Enjoying a Daadoo Rail see ya Mad Mick + Loopy Luke.

Wing F3 Cell 24

HMP RANBY

RETFORD

NOTTS.

DN22 8EU

Letter To Spike #5 (LTX 3 R) It has been a hard day today, on top of my usual job I spent all of my dinner hour delivering a truck load of wood to your brother, Damian and I have got home and put my washing in the Automatic I have been given by John Hampshire at work.

I have been sobering up for the last few weeks because I have no money due to Sellers where I work being on basic hours i.e. no overtime, it is red hot outside I have been out in it all day so I have just had a bath and I will drop you a line while my clothes are being washed.

So how are you Spike, I have been meaning to write but the last time the electric token ran out and I lost all the typing.

So whats happening well, remember Phil Sketcher, yes, well he has reappeared after hitch-hiking all the way back up from Peter-borough and we have been stuck with him all weekend, I will enclose the mad story about him...

I am now launched on the internet my address is http://members.tripod.co.uk/madmicksite and everything I write is transferred there, in the last week I have had about 1000 'hits', and the stories are also sent round Sellers and some to their families.

A regular weekly copy even reaches Lancaster University linguistics department, when you reply to one of my letters I usually edit it a bit then put it into circulation so every body can read it and one of my work mates and a loyal reader of your replies called Tommy Noon wants to send you a joke he made up.. There was this inmate in his cell and he was complaining about the cold all the time so the screw said to him Shut up or I will put you another bar on.. Is that right Tommy? As well has being skint I have had a couple of warnings from the spirit world who seem to watch over me with interest The first was when Adele had took Luke off for the weekend and I decided on my Friday night visit to Richard and Donnas to get totally smashed, it seems on return to my flat I attempted to make something to eat and left one of the gas rings on with gas spewing out.

The next morning I failed to notice the smell having slept with it all night but thankfully Maureen in the flat above did and she phoned the gas board who smashed my door window to make it safe.

When I arrived home I found a huge wood board over the door and inside a little note from Transco...

''You were out when we visited your premises in response to an emergency call, The following action was taken; due to cooker being left on we had to brake in, turn cooker off and make safe '' needless to say it wasn't long before everybody in Bradley knew about this.

Last week on the way back from Richard and Donna's I managed to fall off and crash my bike resulting in a cut to my head, a knackered front wheel and I think I have also broken my thumb but I am trying to live with it.

This Weekend I had an excellent time jumping off The Iron Bridge I have done the 20ft jump every year since I was fourteen but never have I attempted the top level of 40ft that I leave for you, I did not think it was possible until I saw you do it that day Spike Your old mate Scott Dougan has been in hospital, according to the rumours he thought he was a cat, but he said when I interviewed him about the incident that he had had an epileptic fit Luke is going to big school in September still keeps asking about where is Uncle Spike has gone.

I will send you four of my stories: ''The Days After I Nearly Died'' a story about being in Pinderfields hospital from July 1990 Thanks for listening again spike I will write again soon Oh yes, Rod at the bottom of WEstwood Street wants to buy your fishing rod See Ya enjoying a Daadoo rail

MAD MICK

MAD MICK PUBLICATIONS 1999 ''Letter To Spike #5" LTX 3 R.....

Letter From Spike 5

BY DARTH SPIKE PXR9R

Now then Mad Mick....

Darth Spikey on line all the way from Ranby Zoo...

Hows it going our kid, Cushty.. Yeh. Lets hope so.

I am sound kid, just chilling out as ya do when you're doing the do... easy life! So mate Bradley has gone down the pan, the police have gone on one, well Mad Mick, I remember when I was a kid and I used to nick anything from burglary, cars, motorbikes, sheds, greenhouses, shops and warehouses; if it was there, if Darth Spike could get his sticky hands on it it would be gone.

I say gone, kid, but, the police could not change me, my mum and Pips dad bust my head and all I did was bust another house. I got locked up when I had just turned 15 and that did f*ck all, I did two sentences in that year, it was cushy and it still did not stop me, finally all the residents out of Bradley ganged up on me; they bust my head and stubbed cigs out on me so by way of revenge I individually nicked something off them all from Garden ornaments to Lawnmowers, Videos and Tv's F*CK EM I SAID! As a result I got more jail but soon I was out again but I had made some new friends in there and we all met up when we were free and started nicking cars, one after another, sometimes 5 or 6 in one night and this went on for 2 to 3 months until we had a lovely crash, I thought my legs had been ripped off but it was just a case of dead legs.

Back to jail once again to wait for my court case and yet another slap on the wrist, I think in retrospect that the judge just wanted to suck my cock.

In those days they never stung me with hard sentences, it was just easy jail plenty of fighting... I have hit so many heads in my time that my knuckles are all f*cked up, so I usually hit and bite nowadays.

I am one hungry b*stard for the taste of blood, my first taste of somebodies blood and flesh was a cool experience.. I loved it.

There have however been times in the past when I have bitten people and I have been out on a black out and was lucky to get away with it.

In the end Mad Mick you simply cannot beat the system, this long sentance ain't for biting that guy outside the cornmill it is for the Daadoo rai1 I was selling, but, they could not not catch me selling it.

They came to my flat and never knocked at my door, three times my door was rammed open but still they could not find a thing.

It is a crisis when The Police force and The Drug Squad come into your house; tip everything everywhere and shout in your face "I am going to get you Craven", but, that is exactly what they did 3 years ain't getting me really is it? What is 18 months going to do, break my heart erm NO! I will do my bit of jails I could say on my cock but I am scared of heights, anyway Mad Mick the law stinks like sh*t but f*ck all that crap.

Okay Mick I want you to write a story, since you like writing stories, about that Speed you took that destroyed you for a week, you must remember you was finished..

(Soon ''SPEED" XR8RS LTD edition, available from Mad Mick Publications 99) Oh yes Mick who do you get your Daadoo Rail from now-a-days, please let me know in your next script, and tell oar Damian and Pip I said hello and that I'm sound just killing time as you do.

Mick I have been trying to get out of this Jail but the screws are having none of it the f*cking w*nkers They found a load of home made beer on the landing, it wasn't nothing to do with me 'T', so I have been put in the dog house, they have stopped me getting my days back so I won't be out when I thought I might be.

I will probably end up doing 2 years. but, the maximum they can keep me here for is 3 years, so f*ck em at the moment they are being c*nts and soon I will just poke the daft bastards in the eye.. how about that kid.

So you never know, 2001 could be the day when they let me go silly c*nts , hey but, I can do my jail on the pot. EASY LIFE .

So Mick its Saturday afternoon and its just before feeding time so I will be unlocked just soon when I am going to fill my face cos I am proper hungry..

Anyway Mick I'm going to sign off for now cos I'm starving, so say hello for us to everybody tell them the show is cush, OK our kid later Spike P.S. Don't forget that Speed Story.. Latcrs our kid........ PXR9R MM Publications 1999...

Am I being told something by my friend in the machine shop called by everybody "Fixby"

"Here Mick, a few years ago my lass went on holiday to visit Jamaica, she arrived from the airport to catch the bus heavily laden with her large suitcases. The bus driver was sat in the cab with his feet on the dash smoking a huge spliff and his eyes were half shut, deep in his inner ecstasy.

My lass as/cs the driver ifhe could help her load her bags into the buses hatch. ..

'Chill maaaan' says the rastafarian driver, 'Dis bus ain't going nowhere' and then he takes another long slow burn of his reefer" ..

Maybe the moral is to ask just where my bus is going? without a firm destination in mind it can only end up nowhere, why don't I listen to others for once instead of making my own philosophy the only one, they say all paths lead ultimately to God but some of us spend endless years exploring the B roads.

Every Thursday I get paid and by say Tuesday I am totally skint again, I then complain bitterly when it comes to a bank holiday and I receive my wage one day late and I am now skint and experiencing rather severe sobriety as I type on these keys.

Floating Ronnie, a wise mari'from the Tin Shop said to me today as I once again joined in the chorus of complaint by the shop floor after this is repeated every bank holiday when we receive our wage packet but no wage in our bank accounts.

"Michael, it is a wise and rich man who gets 20 shillings for his wage but spends just 19s and 6d but it is a poor man who builds up huge debts when he receives 20 shillings for his wage but spends 20s and 6d, I am not saying save 6p a week but try to get at least one wage in front at least so you are not always living hand to mouth all the time. Failing that why don't you start attending Saturday mornings and save the money as an incentive"

It seems all the good advice given by our elders always seems to fall on deaf ears, I think there is a fine line between shear financial lunacy and those on the other side of the 'coin' who go nowhere and do nothing to save all their lives to die with a six figure bank account.

It seems it is not just me that lives hand to mouth, Twiggy is also mourning that he will now incur a

;£ 15 bank charge at the end of the month, at least I had II little bit of sense in moving my few weekly direct debits to Fridays to avoid this situation but he says in his defence that the bank won't let him do that, course they wont, they like that £ 15.

Which brings me to Florance who after he has been reading the national press he is complaining about the time it takes for banks to cash a cheque, he says they make millions in interest with the Victorian up to II day waiting time for the cheque to be cleared.

My manager Captain Xerox adds to the debate .. "I usually spend my monthly salary and by the end of the month I am well into my overdraft, yes I spend all my wage it is my wife's that I generally save with".

Meanwhile Floating Ronnie delivers just two sarnies for the whole of the Machine shop so their must be more than me who spend what they earn, I am sure any financial wizard will tell you to always save 10% of your earnings and put it away somewhere and forget it.

On My Own

I am sure everybody in the works will be aware by now I am on my own in the Progress this week since The Failed Fitter is once again on his holidays again visiting his relatives on one of Jupiter's many moons and Born 2B Wild is also enjoying the full Spring Bank Break.

This means that with my hectic work schedule that leaves your head spinning by the time it is hometime, the odd mistake is sure to occur and soon Mr X is down in my office complaining I have labelled a tube that he is making into a roller 35521H B2214/423 instead of35521H B2214/413, they always say never buy a car made on a Friday (but its Okay after a bank holiday at Sellers).

Me and Mr X then find our selves on the strange love / hate relationship that was explored for years by two of my former Progress inhabitants, Darth Vador and Stanley.

Stanley was then put permanently in the dungeons and Darth Vador would issue the tickets indicating the quantity, dimensions and type of bar to be cut similar to what occurs now, and this would be programmed into Growler our saw and placed on display on the Progress Floor.

Darth Vador would often give poor Stanley a ticket for say 85mm Black, 120ff at say 45mm but you see Vador never liked to think of himself has making any mistakes and ifhe did he would send poor Stanley on some mission somewhere while he secretly switched the ticket to say 95mm Black, 120ff at 45mm.

When the item was due to go up for machining the mistake would be discovered by one of the machinists and poor Stanley would get the blame for using the wrong material and this was invariably followed by an ear bashing by Vador no wonder Stanley was depressed.

Mr X said similar things would often happen to him in those days, He would get a drawing for some part then make it after which it was put in storage for some time in the Progress, months later it would reach the fitting shop with a completely different drawing attached to it so he learned to write something on the original drawing he had been issued to prove more to himself that he wasn't going mad, he asks could this of been Vadors doing as well?

Anyway it has been a terrific week so far being my own gaffer, it is so much easier when you are not constantly broken offfrom one half finished job to do something else, then broken off that job again half completed to do another task with now two half finished jobs in your wake.

If you have just one chief and a number of fellow indians it is easy to keep your pace of less haste and more speed.

Even Colonel Gadaffi is being most supportive and Captain Beaky is being reasonable and nice and this has made me feel like we are part of this big team, which is what we all are.

Remember if those at the base of the pyramid feel acknowledged and appreciated then the pyramid does not start to crumble, if a tree has good firm roots it grows' well and I think the same principle applies to a company like ours.

Maybe after this week Captain Beaky might ~crub just a few of the big black marks next to my name, I might even get a few brownie points, who knows?

Neighbours In The Paint Shop.

Further to my last confused account about my neighbour hanging her knickers outside my shed when I go to get my bicycle to peddle to work in the morning, the Crow, who is heavily into gun wash giggles says ... "The next time you get complained at by her about no doubt your music, you should ask her if in the morning when you get your bicycle out to ride to work you can remove her underwear from the line and repeg it after you have obtained your vehicle so you can avoid getting entangled in them. " he adds laughing, "She is probably a lonely woman and is sending you all these letters complaining about your music so you will respond especially when you put a poem on your letter to her"

I tell The Crow that she is perhaps in her late forties or early fifties, he says that he wishes he had the same problem as me with his neighbour.

Florence is also highly amused at my predicament as I proceed to load Sophie and try to steer the conversation away from the subject on to more normal discussions, but without Dougle to stifle the giggles the teasing continues unabated.

Florence says sarcastically, "1 bet with your neighbour being able to hear everything you do in your new flat you use your music to drowned out your secret exercises that you dont want her to know about"

Finally Doctor Dylan comes over to say that he agrees that you should not put all your smalls out on the washing line for all and sundry to examine but at least in my case it would keep all the birds away. Fitting after the onslaught

I arrive in The Fitting shop with Sophie and Ziggy is working away on our new machine and at his side are more than 12 empty cups of his favourite caffeine drink that keeps him stimulated and attentive on the task in hand

"It is 1st of June today and there seems to have been a back-tracking by Abbey Vending services or perhaps further subsidising by our management because despite the promised price hike from 12p to 14p the price has remained the same at 12p so I have been celebrating"

Admiral Pugwash also says that he is very happy with his promotion of three flags from Captain in my recent issues, he also adds that when he was in the navy many years ago, he was actually only a low ranking leading hand.

Another day ends at our Thespian Institution of Sellers situated in the words of old 200 yards down Chapel hill from the town ofHuddersfield, I pedal off to a skint and sober night but I think the battle with the booze is coming to an end since I have not even missed it tonight whilst writing this reflection on another day with all my friends but I wouldn't of minded a bit of what that bus driver was enjoying at the beginning.

Who knows maybe my bus might one day reach some sort of destination, but it is always the journey there that you really enjoy.

Thank you Captain Xerox & Dwain Dibbly for sticking by me Bye for now .. Mick (YZX88R) written 1/6/00

CUZ Wally is top of the charts this week with "Blame It On The Weatherman"and Captain Cack should be releasing "Blame It On The Visa" very soon says Hamster-Spring A Leak.

"Howare we doing for bar Mick" enquires The Balloon Warden "Well we seem to. be overrun with 50 diameter" a little later Monday morning and Wheel barrow take the piss as i am putting some swarfega into a tub ... " You get all the goodjobs" he says ... listen I am not bothered if I have a shit job, I can think of other things rather than thinking about work.

"Have you thought of boiling it up" continues Wheelbarrow "It looks like dangerous stuff" "Well Roger we all wash our hands in it maybe it is making us all insane"

. Captain Beaky has made a beautiful multicoloured chart of the machines schedules, we all agree it is very pretty indeed and it has given him something to do for the past few weeks.

It is Monday 2200 of March 1999 and it is also Magicmans 50th birthday we seem to have a bit of a problem since the Tin Shop have ambushed Sophie and loaded her up and The Balloon Warden says there is an urgent blade stock to be transferred from the fitting shop.

I have informed The Balloon Warden about Sophie being loaded up but he is still laughing about when Sophies hand air brakes failed right in front of the Teletubbie land south exit.

It is now Tuesday morning after an eventful night completing my ever more time consuming paper round I have somehow managed this week to miss out on the cans of piss, Lady Penelope says to me as I arrive on Christine Tuesday morning "Put it in a higher gear, you are consuming too much energy for the speed you are going" and Ettie Waithropp says ... "The Balloon Warden has a budgie brain".

The Early Learning centre this morning bas more jigsaws in store for our fascinated brown smocks as well as a lesson in spoon bending and Capt. Beaky's picture seems to be creating a lot of interest down here in the dungeons of Sellers, we can imagine in our minds eye old Beaky with his tongue stuck out scribbling away,

Ernie Wise Obituary: If They scatter his ashes will they use a little urn The Rainbow Warrior. My intuition is like a compass and always leads me north for the stories, Me and Dipsy are discussing Naughty Noo Noo the vac in the paint shop and the conversation changes to being unusually sensible when Capt. l'ise walks past en route to the fitting.

"He would be more use at Westgate Nursery" says Magic man in reference to the Balloon Wardens bullying tactics.

I have now finished writing" A Part Of My Life" my story about Amway which seemed to create a lot of thought about the workforce, I put my non existent TV on and its "Crime Watch", I might as well look out of my window and watch "Crime watch" live.

"If somebody had a gun pointed at me .... I would honestly tell them to go ahead and do it, so confident am I of the afterlife, Anyway why should I have to pay for a TV license I need a TV to help stop crime same way as £100,000 per annum MP. 's have it waved so they can keep track of current affairs"

It js Wednesday morning and me and Sophie are protesting about rising fuel and road tax costs, we plan to move to Holland where we can get our Daadoo rail cheaper.

Due to the green at Lockwood not being open yet, The Eskimo has promised me and Joe Pasquali a lift down on Wednesday 31st of March when I will wupp is arse. The Sellers Poole team lost once again, "We ended up losing 4/3 and Follickly Challenged was the star of the night" says The Tin Shop Poet who has not had a poem out in ages.

"We were playing on a knife edge all the time" says David Beckham, I am not surprised you lost it must have been painful.

Ettie Wainthropp has got a new noddy mobile because Ius ashtrays on his old one were full, A BMW Z3 at nearly £31000 must be in Amway we all think ...

Numbnuts is planning a mission to go and hot-wire Sophie because Laa Laa has nicked the keys to hopefully stop any more deliveries.

Follickly Challenged says that you will probably see the new Weird & Wobbly er Horizon Excel in the back pages of the Embassy Catalogue.

"Calm down Michael, or you will end up in your own newspaper 'Those fucking council tax bastards are after me' I'm tired as I arrive here at my flat @ 98 Keldregate @ Bradley but, I am met by Pud

delivering Luke and I was totally skint once again

•

How are you supposed to discuss "John Ewitts Ghost has come back representing a Crow" with Luke and the spirits when you are pissed off, when me and Luke got to my house I quickly fixed my Atomic mountain bike. Luke decided however to be naughty outside and squirt my oilcan allover wide apart while I searched in vane, Luke also organised a picnic outside my flat without my consent and deposited the contents of my fridge outside, near the drain.

I have just lost my temper with Luke, "ruST GET IN TIlERE AND GET WASHED" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FILLING TIlE BATH" I decided to count to ten, could this be my third nervous breakdown in just, just one lifetime .....

I am now watching the history of sitcoms and I am firmly in control of my mind, You must really learn control, control Michael, Control Mad Mick aha ...

Zooming Jason took Luke home two hours ago and I am still recovering. ...

I dreamt of massive riots in Bradley Thursday night one of our possible future paths and I also dreamt that some person kicked a knob off my cooker, rumours are circulating Thursday morning that The Knight Rider and his misses Leanne are attending Fridays bowling meeting because listen to the excuses ...

"1 cannot come to the bowling meeting because I have to visit my Uncle in prison" Captain Cack "1 cannot attend tonight's bowling meeting because I am also in a knitting competition" Aussie.

It is Thursday morning and I am here for once just outside Bay 3 of the Tinshop I have found out that our oil drillers have found that the grinding being built in front of the tin shop would cost £900,000 so they have decided that the new building should be built between the fitting and the tin shop.

"You are a dead weight when you are pissed" says Step Reebok, "1 carried you into that taxi on the last day before the Yuletide celebrations took place" I know I am heavy because all my lazy mates say that when I fall asleep at their house"

Jesus Christ Superstar says exclusively ... "I cannot find anybody sane to talk to at Sellers, that is why I seem miserable to you all, we work-in an environment where the insane outnumber the sane"

AD Mad Mick challenges anybody to an arm wrestle!!!!

"Do you know Mick; one time you couldn't get owt out of you now we cannot get you to shut up, "That is because, Cuz Wally I am,/'IOw possessed by Dripping Tap. "

"Oh Bloody hell I look terrible" { Born 2B Wild has polished the mirror in the Progress Toilets where I saw The Finger}

Due to the number of holes dug around the works bay 3 is becoming impassable and fetching bar gave rise to a very nerve wracking experience fOf"MaQMicK. .. "One of my wheels on Herberthere got stuck in a big hole much to the amusement of the Tin Shop, ?/umbnuts rhanKj'tlfty.onceagain saved the day ..

The Giant is so lonely he is growing a Triffid and he introduces me to it as I go visit The Eskimo, Rigsby Amway also appears and tells me we can 20p off our taxes for coming to work on mountain bikes" "Yes but how do we prove it?" I ask.

"Where the fuck have you been I could of carried that fucking cylinder on my prickl!"

It is Chiefy wondering how I got lost in the lost world, The World Of Amway, it is not my fault everybody up here is in solitary confinement.

Aussie is a bit worried about getting mugged for his new bowling jumper that Capt. Morecambe has splashed out £400 on!

Never trust a man who is always laughing when he his not haVing a Daadoo rail The Space Warrior. It is finally Friday morning, somebody has laid me a dozen eggs but what truly amazes me is that the giants Triffid has grown a further four inches. "You want to get that thing seen to that is on your neck" Mr Happy ... "Or you might end up like David Hindson"

The Next TIME YOU WRITE one of those newsletters I want you to apologise for saying that I [Ettie Wainthropp] had a nicorette patch on his botty.

The Council are once again trying to rip me off, they are saying I am four weeks in arrears with regards to my house insurance, even though I pay by direct debit. ..

"We are very, very sorry at Kirklees council, what has happened is that because we all piss in the same pot your insurance money has gone somewhere else"

We are now concentrating our synergy on the collective bowling team but seriously Penfold ''Is not making no fucking speech"

The Minutes Of The Bowling Meeting

I would like to thank everybody for coming tonight, The Eskimo has done ~ years, he has dropped out of senior duties and hope the lack of stress will make him improv,on his

scores .. So what about the Popeye situation, Ettie Wainthropp is shit but I can guarantee you

will not end up in a lower section, Popeye is banned from Sellers, Will we all dress a bit presentable please, The Eskimo, Mr Serious Penfold, Father Christmas, Tonto, Unemotional AI, Peter The Painter, Goldenwood, Danger Mouse, Poe, The Great One, Ettie Wainthropp, Follickly Challenged, Capt. Numbnuts, Loopy Luke & Mad Mick were present at the meeting. "Am I joining a bunch oflosers " asks Poe ...

" Yes we have been fighting for fifteen years to get out of the bottom of the bottom section"

It seems that our captain, Numbnuts may need an operation later on in the year 60 we all vote Aussie reserve captain in his absence

"Free Haircuts. ••• ALL DAY WEDNESDAY & FRIDAy ••••••.••••••

ASK FOR DOMINATING DONNA at BRIERS CROSS CHURCH STREET, HUDDE~FIELD..... The Hop head is on about the Millennium Falcon once again and says he is Hans Solo.

Pud is a bit annoyed because her younger sister Leanne phoned her up at 8:30 a.m. to give her big sister her new phone number, Adele was in the middle of a dream about somebody stealing her car. Luke you must now behave, you were told off at nursery for throwing sand in peoples faces, but it is alright Becky ignore the foreign immature bastards, Becky says she had forgotten what a sausage tastes like. Meanwhile ... Pud is complaining about her George Michael CD which she says I knackered.

DOMINATING DONNA WILL GIVE FREE HAIRCUTS TO ANYBODY TURNING UP AT BRIERS ON WEDNESDAYS & FRIDAYS PLEASE HELP DOMINAtING DONNA KEEP HER JOB!!

"It was an insult to human intilligence that meeting" The Great One "Never met a more boring set of wankers in my life" Ettie Wainthropp.

David Beckham says that the doctor told The tin Shop poet to cut down from 20 pints to 40 halves., but, I am worried about the end of the world knowing Boris is not too chuffed about us being all at war with Yugoslavia.

We, Me, Becky, The Space~Luke and The Jedi Master have all been sailing today, down where the swans play at the confluence of the Colne and The Calder.

Space man and The Jedi Master have gone to get Cleopatra while me, Luke and Becky visited Bradley's smallest island ...

Luke says that his mummy will not get married until The Jedi Master gets married himself

Me and The Space Man have made it back to the front of Carey's Grans to help the Jedi Master out of The Bounty, our boat " What is this wanker doing thinks a nearby fisherman as our Jedi Master sails past with Loopy Luke towards Careys"

We are now all sat in the jungle awaiting me sobering up so that I can go see Becky's Pink Grandparents but Luke and Becky do not care they are playing at chasing as I consume my super strength ...

Later, much later we are discussing Spring heads hand rail .. me Hop head and Dominating Donna, Spring head was left with severe head injuries after a motorcycle accident back in 1987

"If they put CCTV up round here there will be some guy shimming up the pole, 'Here Mick do you want to buy a CCTV camera, I hear you have had a jew burglaries"

Pip has visited us to reveal that Nostradarmous was an alcoholic which makes me and Hophead feel better about the imminent world war 3.

It is Sunday Morning and I am with Luke near the barrier ....

"I gave the monster with black and white eyes a cuddle, then] went to the shop to get some sweets, crisps, beer and some Maltese's, the monster is not coming out today cos he is tired and he keeps getting shouted at by the ghost in the house over there" says Luke pointing at John Ewitts olde farm. "I have not seen Alan for ages" says Luke

I feel weird, I am on my Atomic mountain bike and Luke is on his Christine and he tackles the black track very well, "How did you do that thing on your neck - you must of poked it on something" says Luke laughing at his daddy ...

Damian is a bit strange, petrol is mud and I am Luke

Mrs Allot says all sweets are all sugar, but she also says] must learn not to ride my bike full speed into a fence.

Why does the wind make me cold I ask myself afterall by friction we should become warmer "The Wind carries the heat away ... silly daddy"says Luke

I have now been demoted back to Mad Mick from Jedi status by the Jedi Master for losing my keys •

even though I am sure I left them at the end of the black track

Will Michael Schofield ring 2248, "who is that?", "Michael in your last news-letter you put Lady Laughter gave you £1 in the Rat & Ratchet on Friday dinnertime. It was me Lady Penelope, I want this mistake rectified and a personal apology in your next publication or the generosity will cease". Er Sorry and thank you for all my work mates overwhelming generosity Aussie says all Brown Smocks are going to The Early Learning Centre next to Wheatley & Dysons next week for a management course. They will all attend one day a week for the duration of six weeks, there are plenty of toys for them there as well.

It is Monday 1st of February and David Beckham is having a nightmare of a day says Hamster- Spring-A-teak a day when The Tin Shops latest poem has kept our new publication off Nol in Sellers Bullshit charts: Gallop Top 5...

( - ) 1 The Morning After The Night Before TIN SHOP POET

( - ) 2 If You Read This Letter Your Life Will Be Better THE SHOP FLOOR

( 1 ) 3 Progress Report #3 THE MANAGEMENT

( 2 ) 4 Night Swimming R.E.M.

( 5 ) 5 Nothing Really Matters MADONNA

New entries for next week are possibly: "An In depth profile of Tinky Winkys Breaklight bulb'' So if you have not read it yet here is our new number one. . .

I awoke this morning with a start / And nipped my arse cheeks so as not to fart Then made a bee-line for the toilet / Hoping for carpet not to soil it I made it, sat down with a flurry / Got rid of last night's beer and curry My arsehole stings like shaving rash / As the toilet bowl I pebble dash I sat and suffered in searing pain / And told myself ''never again'' Then reached to take some toilet roll / To gingerly rub across my hole I washed my hands then turned to stare / At the toilet roll just hanging there I then did something that may seem mental / With that toilet roll so soft and gentle spliced it in the refrigerator / To soothe my burning arse later What I must do to ease my plight / When I go out tonight Is only have a pint or two / And cut out the vindaloo This will save loads of money / And my anal discharge won 't be runny This is my life is what I think / As I vomit in the sink I work all day and drink at night / Then in the morning spew and shite It'll he the death of me I know / But what a f*cking way to go By The Tln Shop Poet.. Bloody Hell I am giving up drinking!!! Chiefy's worst nightmare which Hamster Spring A Leak says he still wakes up with a cold sweat after this dream... 'John, John (catches chiefy's attention) Two points (adjusts his glasses) er I know I am a little slow... but er first point. how do I eject this splinter out of my hand and secondly ... er I have an end stuck in one of the rollers .... '' YOU HAVE WHAT YOU STUPID W****** **** **** Born 2B Wild has now recovered from his shock after switching the saw on and Ettie Wainthropp says to me ''What do I want with a fackin ladder mate, it is no good we have nothing to attach it to ''.

Laa Laa continues the tales of one of our ex-employees named Shaky...

''Shaky wasn't very good driving electric trucks [neither is a certain current employee] and he was heading to the Joiners with some stays to have their woods put on however he crashed into Beaky's car and left the truck behind and run back to the Paint Shop filled with shame'' "He burst into very uncharacteristic and energetic cleaning of some rollers, Beaky had by now discovered the incident in question and was on the war-path heading for the Paint Shop".

''Shaky also knew by now that his small mistake had been discovered and ran over to Beaky in tears saying OH I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, PLEASE". taken back by this overwhelming show of emotion Beaky had little else to do but hug Shaky and saying "Its Alright I know accidents happen ''.

It says on our newly altered Progress Report #3 that is on the Machine Shop notice board as point No.

8 ''Demolition Of Paint Shop stores to commence Tuesday 10:15 P.M'', but how did they know?

"Another Brick In The Wall" ' by Pink Floyd and "Wonderwall" by Oasis were the most popular hummed tunes on Tuesday 2nd of February as we all took the piss out of one of our fellow employees misfortunes ..

Who was that guy called Demolition Man? asks Hamster Spring A Leak He was Ok until Chiefy arrived to his aid with his box with a red cross on it he has since being demanding Prozac from myself. it was reported by an anonymous person who happens to be my dad that one woman on their first aid course would rather be dead than be treated by Chiefy.

"We have screwdrivers and then we have drivers" says Magic-man "What sort of sausages does Dipsy eat" asks captain Cack "Bangers by Walls" The official reaction from captain Beaky to an estimated £ 700 of damage was ''Oh I am telling Julie.

David and Georgina but you can forget about the apple tree".

Dlpsy was approached by M & K builders about sub-contracting the job for a new Tin Shop side exit near where Stroll On parks his Saab it was reported by captain Numbnuts.

Anyway enough about poor Dipsy who made a mistake due to his big feet. remember them who make no mistakes don't do anything and I think that comment by Cuz Wally was awful.

New Official All Star Line Up has been announced by our new secretary Penfold.

Uncle Col, Goldenrod, Captain Numbnuts, Phil Pipe, Penfold, Chlefy, Banannawood, Milky

Bar Kid, Aussie, Aussies Son, Mad Mick, All But Smithy, Dangermouse, The Hypnotist, Peter

The Painter, Father Christmas, Unemotional Al, Tonto The Lone Ranger, Wonderwood, Poe,

and Ettie Wainthropp.

We must say goodbye to The Knight Rider and Popeye says Mr Penfold because we must have more people from Sellers. they will receive official letters in the next few days and also transfer forms so they have time to register with someone else.

If you are reading this I must apologise but the decision is out of my hands now.

I am going to write a program on my computer in the near future that will base our glory chart upon the number of points scored above the opponent for example if you win 21/16 you will be awarded +5 to your total. if you lose 21/3 you will get -18. however if you lose 13/21 as I usually did last year I would be awarded -8.

Captain Cacks new story is called "101 ways to raise a tenner" says Hamster spring A Leak.

Earlier I remarked about the generosity of my fellow employees... In one week I have received 5 pair of under-pants A tobacco tin, a night out with a lovely dinner thrown in a packet of ready salted crisps and two pints off David Beckham Thank you everybody I love you all.

"Does Glenn Hoddle go to the same loony section of the library as you Michael" remarks Aussie "What was Hamster Spring A Leak like in a past life" - I ask myself AND WHO WAS I? Chiefy said today that his job is to build characters and his men either learn the easy way or the hard way the latter was experienced by hamster Spring A leak when he was strung up against the machine Shop wall.

It is Tuesday night and I am now sat in Sellers social Club after getting a lift off a very kind Captain Cack so that I could report on their pool match. I am just finishing my fourth pint when a very tired looking David Beckham arrives he says he has just been woken up from a strange dream by his mum "I dreamt that I was flying around lost in space with Li££le Tony on a toilet" We art all sat Listening to UB40 as per usual and I am starving as per usual The Tin Shop Poet has promised us all a Sunday dinner. but is busy at this moment lining the pockets with his balls.

By now Lady Penelope has arrived with Captain Cack and Captain Xerox's Son and Clive James there is nothing wrong with receiving undies even if they need washing which they didn't.

It is a 74 carrot match comments Captain Xerox's son because The Tin Shop Poet who has to be put on first otherwise he is too pissed, he has won his match however sadly he has burnt his carrots.

Lady Penelope complains that she is not important being a mere woman and grabs my note-pad and writes.. " have been talking to Michael more than anybody else and! am still being ignored with his note taking, I want to say to you all, Feng Shui is the way to world harmony (fit used in conjunction with Taichi or Yoga" I think the above is something to do with putting toilet seats down after you have finished having a wee well that's if you make it to the toilet in the first place.

YCWCYACTTCB written at the back of the bar is an acronym for ''Your Contribution will cost you a contribution to the charity box", it was revealed by The Tin Shop Pod after dinner was served and upon purchase of my sixth pint.

The meal was excellent well, apart from the carrots and The Ship from Paddock defeated our team lacking their traitor Joe Pasquali who had defected to ''Top Spot" in a lower section.

It is finally Wednesday morning after leaving the club around midnight with the left-overs from the dinner. Our only winner should take a little more notice of his own poems because he has not been seen since.

Hamster Spring A Leak says the least amount of money he has queued up in the bank for is £ 2 but a friend of his and ex-employee of Sellers called Hammer-Jig (who I once mistook for a machine) once went in and queued up for just 20p.

'Less haste more speed' , says Lada From Barnsley in reference to Ettie Wainthropps highly stressed state this morning because Ettie Wainthropp wishes to pinch the crane off him.

''Worry is the most destructive darkforce in the Universe, enjoy yourself while you are in this incarnation, because, you never know when your exit from the game of life is here'' says Laa Laa.

'Never mind 'Life Alter Death', one wonders if their is life before death with some of the characters round these parts of the works'' exclaims Aussie.

''Who the hell is Eilene Drewery? '', I ask Aussie, "I seem to be hearing that name a lot this morning''.

''She was a faith healer for the England football team '', Aussie continues, ''One of the members of the team asked for short back and sides when a towel was placed on him ready for a healing session.

It seems with a lot of so called faith healing and anything paranormal, it is partly psycho-somatic, that is, you have to believe it to see it happen, we seem to be getting very deep again for a Monday morning don't we Lady Penelope.

It is Wednesday and nearly dinnertime, halfway through our news-letter and halfway through the week but because of our voluntary 3 page limit I will have to have a Part 2. Stroll On, the tin shop elder is 55 today and I am trying to shut the Lost Worlds doors as this information is relayed to me by Numbnuts I have just unloaded a cylinder to Mr Always.

It might be an idea to send Dipsy up to the Lost World with an electric truck comments Born 2B Wild as we wash our hands in preparation for lunch.

I am still reading that book called ''Beyond Supernature" by Lyall Watson and it is now saying that when we are asleep we are all receptive to each others thought signals from people in the past, present and future, but it is thc signals in the present that are the strongest and it is this effect that gives rise to dreams. It also explains why people who work nights do not have as restful sleep because the majority of people are up and alive during the day but this principle is not applicable where I live in Bradley, The Suburban Jungle.

It is Wednesday afternoon and Tinky Winky wants to know why he always receives the lead in frames first off Dynamic Dave, when they are wanted last by the fitters.

Congratulations to Mr Blobby with the arrival of a little girl called Baby Blobby last week from everybody at your works, it seems Blobbys are getting very numerous.

Me and Born 2B Wild are in the pattern stores with ''You can't con them who's conned thousands'' yes the guy from Downs who says we should just have all pattern numbers cross referanced to their respective positions so that he can put them on his computer because Windows says we have no room left on our Parts lists.

Also in Tuesdays issue ... commandments for enlightenment.

You're always alone, but you' re only lonely if you don't like the person you're alone with.

TO BE CONTINUED

AD For further inf on the many other titles available from MAD MICK and if you want a new Weird & Wobbly contact my Manager TEL 01484 341952 Mobile 07801 226107 (NZ21XR)