Misc2

The AA Jedi Council meeting is a rare event that occurs every 2 to 3 months at my Home group and in session tonight was Tony Blair, The Messiah, Veras, Mr Recovery, The Doctor, The Doctors Next Door Neighbour and myself.

The object of these meetings is to discuss the general meeting format and to pass on any changes or uncertainties.

At the start The Doctor read out the minutes of the last meeting then The Messiah was asked to comment on feedback from the Supreme Council which he did and as it was fairly eyebrow stuff it went way above my head.

I was next on call as the treasurer and at this point I presented my excel spreadsheet which had been exported into Microsoft Word and printed out for the group and covered all the transactions with regards to the cashflow of the group.

I also raised the point that if it was someones birthday was it the person opening up who buys the cake from the seperate collection that has usually already been arranged and what should be done with the change for the cake money.

Tony Blair preposed that it had already been decided that the opener-upper had responsibilty for purchasing the cake and preposed that the change left over should be placed in the general fund and there was no need to create another spreadsheet specifically for the cake.

I then presented a problem which had already occured recently whereby the opener-upper also was the person with the birthday - it was decided that then in that rare case the chairman should place the responsibility of purchasing the cake to the group and ask for volunteers and this was seconded by Veras and The Messiah.

With finacial concerns now out of the way we went on to discuss "washing up" which was also currently under the responsibilty of the opener-upper and suggested that maybe the chairman could ask for volunteers like they do in Brighouse.

I counter-argued however that if a person like myself was on the floor and doesnt like to say anything i.e. feels inhibited offering to wash up he would never volunteer and anyway I have been opening up just recently and very rarely have to wash a single pot.

Usually The Messiah kindly does it all.

It was therefore unanimously agreed that we should carry on as we are and The Doctors Next Door Neighbour commented that it was nice that the washing up was done without asking for volunteers.

Tony Blair the literature secretary felt he might need some more starter packs and books but would check in the box after the conclusion of the meeting which Mr Recovery said he should of already done.

It was therefore agreed subject to TonyBlairs check that we should send £100 away to the supreme council however he has since decided to hang fire till next week though this has not been officially recorded in the minutes taken by The Doctor.

Finally under any other business it was felt by Veras that the format of the meeting selected by myself with the steps behind us was forcing members to have to look behind them to refer to the subject and this could be a health and safety hazard.

I argued that with the meeting getting bigger the heavy bench at the back was useful for extra seating and it was suggested by Tony Blair that maybe the opener upper could move the bench or someone could approach the Vicar (Dibbly) about permanantly siting the bench at what was currently at the front of the room so that when the preposed changes took place it would be then at the back.

Mr Recovery and The Doctors Next Door Neighbour suggested moving the bench by the opener upper would be a health and safety risk for the opener upper and this was agreed with by The Doctor.

In the end it was decided going forward we would leave the bench where it was and the meeting would be reversed so if you like the bench would now be at the front of the meeting.

The final point I argued was permission to use Thursdays Rack for the AA leaflets, at this point I think Tony Blair was wanting to wrap up the meeting since he asked right indignantly "what rack!?"

Then Mr Recovery piped up and said the rack was bought specifically for Thursdays group and thats why they kept all the leaflets in there box.

And so that be the case, I counter argued then how come Thursdays group uses our kettle then which was bought purely with Mondays Money?

Anyway nothing was decided about the last point cos everyone was tired and wanted to go home, so I will raise it at our next Jedi Council meeting at the beggining of December and also suggest moving "Any Other Business" to the start of the meeting before everyone gets p*ssed off.

By The Jedi Knight Mad Mick

In my life I have taken many different mood altering drugs, which I think change the frequency of our radio receiver, our brains to the life force, when we feel depressed our brains are receiving only the more earthbound spiritual energies.

Anti depressants may for a short time boost our feel good factor but eventually our brains stop producing the natural feel good chemicals making us eventually dependent on the artificial version and hence when our favorite mood stabiliser is not available we feel very low for long periods this can spiral into clinical depression in extreme cases.

People such has myself who find it sometimes difficult to interact with others and are naturally shy due to their sheltered up bringing experimenting with drugs can become a means to a end.

Alcohol is a very common major depressant of the central nervous system in large quantities and often aggravates an existing mood, for example if you feel down and drink a bottle of whisky, the next day you might feel suicidal.

Similarly a few cans of lager with friends can be a great pick me up, another common drug often mixed with lager drinking is cannabis, but care must be taken since cannabis causes thirst and hunger which are easily killed off with forever greater quantities of lager.

Cannabis is a excellent drug that is much safer than either cigarettes or alcohol but is victimised by our government because it is not easy to tax and it also "opens your mind" or makes you more tuned in to your environment.

The government is very careful what it likes to label as drugs but this is more for its own benefit than either you or ours or indeed our children, Alcohol is responsible directly for about 28,000 deaths per year and Tobacco some 120,000 deaths per year.

However the Government might earn some £ 9 billion per year on duties on Tobacco and perhaps even more on Alcohol they are slow to condemn the worlds biggest killer drugs.

I myself drink perhaps on average throughout a week 4 pints of lager per night and I enjoy a good joint every time I get paid as well as a pouch of tobacco per week and I am 30 years old and feeling the strain of this over-indulgent lifestyle.

I plan that after the hype of new millennium I will reduce a lot of my alcohol intake and only smoke a joint on a night instead of tobacco, but in the past I have been much much worse.

In my hey day of fame last year at the giddy heights of my story writing success I was at my old computer typing away with my cannabis and my favourite drink of super-lager when I was offered some amphetamine, that is speed to us, I think I managed about 2 doses and I was out of this world.

Compared to lazy cannabis which in extreme amounts can slow you down (which is what I like to happen) speed seems to do the total opposite and speed you up.

I remember talking to my visitor Arrow as he was known then at ever increasing rates of speech and remember very little about him leaving, but, I am sure I must of made quite a sight, I wanted to go out and take on the world but, because I was due at my place of slavery the next day I couldn't.

So here I was left alone in my flat high as a kite on speed to such an extent that I had to drink four cans of super strength in order to sleep, I remember very little after that.

When I woke up the next morning somehow in my bed and when I say woke, I mean gradually drifted back to consciousness I felt in the most depressing mood I have ever experienced except perhaps when I was in Pinderfields but that is another story.

I felt so alive and well, yet so unbelievably low, I got out of bed and tried to hang myself using a clothes line over the cupboard door in my bedroom but the line snapped just has I was falling unconscious I then felt totally sick, my stomach would not stop pumping and nothing I ate or drank the following day made any difference, the depression lasted nearly three days, huge black clouds of depression made me unable even to go out, my brain was seriously screwed up.

I have never since taken speed I think I must have an allergy to it of some form because apart from always been prone to a bit of melancholy I have never felt that black for a long time.

In the past I have heavily experimented with solvents and found that Solvent abuse alone is infinitely more deadly than collective abuse, I found this out when I got petrol on myself whilst stoned on petrol and then lit a cigerette resulting in 33% burns and a 11 week stay in Pinderfields The only other drug I have tried is Prozac, an anti depressant which is Okay I think for real deep depression but it is advisable to get off them as soon as possible and a few magic mushrooms but I do not think they were the right ones cos nothing really happened.

The golden rule I think is try anything in moderation but when it comes on to control your very existence it cannot be good.

(Is There) Life After Sellers [?]

SENSIBLE MICK

Back in 1991 myself Pud, Dominating Donna, Leany-head, Mr Myoyghi and his hew plus The Jedi Master all decided to go off to Morecambe on a camping nep expedition, I will spare you all the details safe to say it was one of the best holidays I have ever had.

Mr Myoyghi (Stanley Sharpe) developed from this holiday a obsession with a then young Dominating Donna to such an extent that ever since that date when he is alone he claims he can see and talk to her.

I had to suffer years of his torment caused by this young girl who just happens to be Lukes mum's sister since I had to work with him in The Hub Of Sellers until his voluntary redundancy in 1997.

Just before his redundancy Mr Myoyghi had been to see a fortune teller in Morecambe, who had said he would get something he always wanted and settle down in Morecambe, now this soothing he always wanted was in his mind Dominating Donna. However there was also something else he had wanted for the last 27 years and it was this the fortune teller was talking about, yes to escape from Sellers.

After pressure from Dynamic Dave, Wally, Dizzy Shirles and many others I obtained Mr Myoyghis telephone number and from this his address, but, I still had no idea how I would get there.

After an advert in one of my publications called ''Over The Horizon" The mighty Onslo offered me a lift over to cheer him up in his space waggon since he had a static caravan over there used as a cure to Sellers disease.

The fateful day had arrived on Saturday 1st August 1998 as me and Luke waited in Bradley Park for the silver dream machine with a bag hastily packed with lots of things I didn't need but in retrospect lacking things I did need.

As I was pushing Luke on the swings I noticed out of my eye corner a glimpse of the silver dream machine, it was lucky I did since Onslo had parked up at the end of Keldregate instead of Oak Road.

I quickly gathered all my things and set off on the adventure of a lifetime, I was quickly introduced to Onslo's wife, Trisha his attractive daughter Claire and Luke shook paws with their dog Heidi.

I found the seats selected for us was in the middle of The Silver Dream Machine, with Claire and Heidi behind us and Onslo and Trisha in the front and at first felt a bit of a spectacle.

We were entertained with Onslos specially recorded tape containing a lot of Buddy Holly but no Madonnas We were soon put at ease with Onslo relaxed and courteous driving.

We arrived at Mr Myoyghis after a tour of Morecambe due to a confusion accusing in my brain at the most important comment, the whereabouts of Mr Myoyghis house, but it was sorted by Onslo who seemed to have expected the relapse.

Mr Myoyghi immediately bundled Me and Luke and his old mum into his creaking camper and it was off to the old campsite, he gave me a quick run down of his misfortunes, the list could run this story into many pages.

We hit a sharp bend and after narrowly missing a oncoming vehicle, he informed a terrified me and Luke, that he had been without sleep for 71 days.

We somehow arrived at the campsite, while his old mum sat in the van, Me Mr Myoyghi and Luke hastily assembled the tent just in time for the coming down-pour.

and Mr Myoyghi and his mum disappeared into the van and both sat there motionless.

After many attempts to try an open his mind and tell me of its contents he finally divulged his Full story, I gave him the ultimate soul restorer - In Connection To The Force...

He arrived in Morecambe and bought mountains of trousers, jumpers and shirts and rented a shop on a back street in morecambe, the number of items stolen far outweighed the number of items sold by a factor of ten.

Very soon that £ 30,000 he had relieved from his late wifes insurance, his mothers savings and a redundancy payout from Sellers began to dwindle, and with £ 350 per month rent for his home at 134 Kingsway Heysham at quite an alarming rate.

Then finally about two months ago, well exactly 71 days ago the shop was torched at the exact time his insomnia started, caused he said by severe worry........he now awaits the insurance cheque.

About 3 weeks ago he admitted defeat and went to the DHSS and they refused to pay his £ 350 per week rent, so he is forced to seek council accumulation, he has still relieved no money from them.

After listening to this me and Luke went for a walk Luke was on his best behaviour, actually behaving like an adult after a promise to his dad that he wouldn't swear and would act more sensible.

We walked up that long track up the side of The ruins of Pontins, a possible future gaol that hangs like a dark cloud on the locals, we followed the track on past the campsite to the beach.

I had a good smoke and a can of Kestrel Super as me and Luke sat and listened to the seagull and watched the ferrys go past heading for The Isle of Wight, the sun was just setting as I felt that healing feeling, a sudden relaxing feeling.

The world was suddenly beautiful again, the seaguls squarked and played in the air, in the distance the nuclear power station could be seen the sun a big orange ball in the distance both using a simular process for making energy.

Luke was shouting at me and shaking me shouting ''what's up dad'' as I came out of the trance I was in and it was dark as we headed back down that track again, when we got to the tent Mr Myoyghi joined us and I told him all about what was happening at Sellers.

After that me and Luke utterly exhausted climbed into bed into a deep sleep, I awoke at 1:30 after a nightmare about being in a swimming pool in Y fronts and all these women laughing at me.

I was freezing and we had no covers, I got up and sneaked out of the tent leaving Luke sleeping and found a big blanket off a washing line, and sneaked back to the tent, but I was interupted by Mr Myoyghi who had come out to see why Luke was crying.

I quickly explained the situation and disappeared into the tent to really good nights sleep, we were both awoke by Mr Myoyghi with some bacon sandwiches which me and Luke almost fought over.

This was followed by a lovely cup of tea each (after Lukes outburst earlier when he relieved some pop), Mr Myoyghi said he thought Luke had developed a lot socially as Luke hit our neighbouring campers two kids on the head with their bat.

It was Sunday Morning and finally the sun was breaking out and we were off to The Market, where I bought some odour eating socks (Dipsy !) and Luke his very own bat- a-ball set.

Me and Luke watched the crowd hypnotizing skills of these market salesmen as Mr Myoyglli and his mum wondered round every single isle, and examine all the artifacts available for one to see.

It was then off to the beach, and Mr Myoyghi joked that his rickety old van had broken down recently in Lancaster and Him and his 81 year old mum had had to walk the 3 miles back to his house.

We waded down the windy road narrowly missing oncoming vehicles on to the beach which you can drive right on to, me and Luke went running out to sea as Mr Myoyghi helped his poor old mum out of the van.

After a game of bat and ball, Mr Myoyghi told us more sob stories, me and Luke both broke down in tears when a stray meteor came crashing on to his van. no seriously this guys luck his bad but what he fails to see is it is because he believes his luck is always bad, he is the ultimate pessimistic person.

I asked him if he missed Sellers and tears welled up in his eyes but being the stubborn character he was would probably be too proud to come back In the back off his mind somewhere there are many happy Demotes but I think he was bullied by The Darth Vader and this caused a lot of resentment.

When we got back to the tent Luke found a girlfriend called Lisa and Mr Myoyghi made us some beefburger chips and onion it was now around 1pm and the sun was scorching.

We all had a game of bat a ball but decided this wasnt a good idea when the ball kept landing on his mums head, me and Luke then went for a walk and Luke poled himself which I had to clean up.

At 5p.m. the tent was packed away and it was back into the creaking camper wagon for our return journey to his house which he showed me his old car which the Balloon Warden had sold him and it has been nothing but trouble.

During the wait for Onslo Mr Myoyghi told me of the ghost that haunts his house, he said the previous occupant had died there and things were known to float around and doors to open and close by themselves.

Mr Myoyghi and his old mum have lost contact with all their relatives and said they had been very glad for some human contact, Luke was the best behaved I have ever seen him, he said he really enjoyed himself Mr Myoyghi invited Me, Luke, Wonderwood, Princess Becka and Battyeford Lill over for Honley Feast but a big uncertainty lied over his future.

Onslo arrived at 7:45 pm prompt and he had a word with Mr Myoyghi as I bid him farewell, this time his wife, Trisha and The dalmatian dog, Heidi, incidently one of the Ex-captains dogs puppies sat in the back with his daughter claire in the front.

On the way back we all sung together ''If you are happy and you know it clap your hands'' no really we listened to that Buddy Holly tape and Luke made friends with Claires dog Heidi who Onslo said was daft as a brush.

Sensible Mick gives a big thankyou to Onslo for allowing me to visit an old friend, I even went home and played Bat a Ball with Luke while listening to my own Buddy Holly CD before watching ''The Shining"

UNEMOTIONAL AL VS

MYSTIC MARK AND UNCLE COL VS FOLLICKL Y

CHALLENGED IN mE SEMI FINALS

I cannot believe this I have written all this and the stupid electric went off and I lost it all REMIX!

We think bowlings coming home, it's coming home, with Sellers Engineers on our shirts the Jewels

remain still gleaming

It was finally June 28th and the fateful day had arrived when our annual Singles Friendly knockout at Farnley Tyas was on, we had 24 contenders because RlD2 and Danger Mouse failed to turn up; Danger Mouse was doing stock taking at his home, the stores at Sellers and RlD2 was with C3PO wondering about in the desert on dantoine.

The Bradley Mob met at 12p.m. sharp at Pink Grandma and Grandad's who are celebrating thirty years of psychological prison.

I travelled to our destination in The Knight Riders car, KITT, with Bart, my son and Aunty Leanne, we all sung to the current Number 2 song entitled "Vindaloo" as we passed through Waterloo with Pod following in her car affectionately named "Puddle-duck".

She was taking Princess Becka and her pink grandparents, Wonderwood and Battyeford Lill and everybody except Princess Becka and Bart Simpson were taking part from Bradley Camp.

When we arrived at the beutiful bowling green where the swifts play all day, The rest of Bradley camp got set up with the beers and Wonderwood, Battyeford Lill, Aunty Leanne and PW:l my Ex-ExGirlfriend had a foursome on the green.

At about this time Joe Pasquali arrived holding hands with his Play-group leader Wally and his wife plus their young daughter called Angelica. Bart Simpson and Princess Becka introduced Angelica to the art of playing in the gutter.

It was nearly the lp.m. kick off and The Noon Striker arrived with Tonto and his mate, The Policeman, no Unemotional Al all the other characters followed soon after and the excitement was reaching boiling point as the knockout was about to commense.

I gave out the results with the previous days bowling at Almondbury Con which I obtained 15 my highest score so far, Laa remarked I was close to the top of the chart but he was reading it upside

OO~!

Tonto went to our organiser Captain Xerox with his arm pointing skywards and informed him that The Noon Striker his opponent had been practising and hence according to the rules his handicap should be reduced from +4 to + I as a result.

My first match was against a very excited Dipsy- The Walking Megaphone, once he had sorted out his fingers and thumbs he showed his potential with a double toucher on one of his ends.

Aunty Leanne was now also on the green battling away against a heavily handicapped Captain Xerox who required 29 to Leanne's six to win, but, in those 17 ends she only managed two.

Dipsy, my opponent seemed to be developing a very Cricket oriented method of releasing his bowls, which he did a run up to the mat before launching them, this resulted in a lot of his bowls ending up in the tank and I won 21/15 my :first win in over two years!

By now we could all hear the Ooooh's as Battyeford was battling against our eager Penfold, The number 2 storeman, bowls were flying everywhere but Battyeford was using Wonderwoods antique bowls so I suppose it was understandable.

Sadly she was the first of The Bradley Camp to be defeated but she said she had never enjoyed herself so much in her life.

Then came the match that everybody had eagerly awaited; Wonderwood vs Pod (Acid Tougue) which a £5 bet had taken place between them on the outcome. Needless to say Wonderwood was thrashed 21/12 only managing to score one, this was probably a combination of his woods which seem to have a mind of their own and his opponents more athletic abilities.

Bart was busy playing paper aeroplanes with Princess Becka and The Noon Striker, who had been knocked out by Tonto, when he learned of his mummies victory against his Pink Grandad.

His Daddy, Mad Mick was back on again for his second match against a very Jolly Chiefy's Wife. She psyched me out telling me of her previous attempt in the past where she fluked it all the way to the semi-finals and I told her if she ever wanted a lively debate with her husband just mention the words "Tube Bay".

Chiefy, her partner in this life remembers Bill Loxley who was a 80 year old Superman and used to work in the Progress many, many years ago, he told me and Born 2B Wild today as we did our stock taking.

The Knight Rider was now on battling away but level pegging with Laa-Laa who has been known in the past to be very flukey especially when placed under pressure, the score was 19 accross but very much over as Laa Laa bowled his second wood after consultation with The Noon Striker.

The Knight rider smiled victoriously because he had one toucher and another six inches from the block as Laa-Laa's bowl came hurtling accross the green but then the smile turned to a look of horror as the bowl crashed into the block scattering his magnificent bowls and giving Laa Laa a 2 and winning him the match 21/19.

As The Noon Striker who was soon to become Magic-man, it is so much easier to break a fine watch than to make a fine watch, The Knight Rider was most upset having his eye on the Jewels that were still gleaming ...

By now Captain Beaky's nose had arrived followed by the rest of him sometime later, he offered words of encouragement to the players of the tournament, he being himself once a player in the All-Stars

many years ago.

I was called up for my third match and had finally reached the level which Chuckles had entered the game, I was playing against Unemotional AI. I bowled some of the best woods I have ever bowled with my new woods which I have finally paid for one of them.

The other is still on loan from AI and his mate Tonto, but Unemotional AI still has a soft spot for them and this resulted with him bowling one of my woods on one of the ends giving me a beuti:ful six incher. When I enquired about what happens now to The Knight Rider, I was told that one of his bowls were "dead" and I would have to rebowl my other, what a pity ...

Despite my good bowling I was defeated 21/19 and it was up to Pud to claim the Jewels for the Bradley Camp and I enjoyed my well earned pint, she was on against a Follicldy Challenged Clive James.

Clive James followed The Captain Xerox method for defeating a woman, take em comer to comer, Pud was struggling to reach the marks, he scored two twos then two ones as Pudstepped up the pressure, the score was 15/7 to pud with her 15 handicap.

Pud (Acid Tougue) says she feels like polishing Clive James's head, he says there is no need to look at me like that, it would have gone off if had not hit it.

Clive James adds later "You are having all the luck but its all bad" but Pud manages to save one making it ALL-But - 17, On the next end I thought it was one down as Clive James offers a shake of hands indicating he had made it to the Semi Final.

Captain Morecambe appeared at one of the ends I was marking for them, I did not know the co-owner of Sellers Engineers Huddersfield & Co was coming as well!! he asked me about the beuti:ful girl who I was marking for and introduced himself to Princess Becka, he also enquired about the whereabouts of my son Bart Simpson who was chasing the cows in the neighbouring field!

Thankyou Captain Beaky and Captain Morecambe for showing interest at our Sellers Bowling Tournament, our next big event is the Pairs Handicap sometime in August, though nobody knows the exact date as yet.

Numbnuts, Lady Teaspoon and their son Daniel arrived just in time for the grub, we had reached the Semi finals and all the Bradley Camp had been knocked out.

The Buffet was beuti:ful, Onion Bajees, Salmon & Cucumber samies and Egg Mayonaise samies were the first to go, it makes my mouth water as I sit in pure tranquility at my favourite place in the Jungle near Beckas den where I wrote Interview In't Jungle in response to Lady Penelope's Story.

It was later reported that not a crumb was wasted due to our mob being present but I only had one plateful but I must admit it was a careful balancing act!

After afternoon tea it was the Semi Finals .....

Mystic Mark vs Unemotional AI

It is 10/8 to Mark as Pud says Bart starts to babble when he is tiredjust like his dad, now it is 10/9 as AI gets another, out of the spotlight Uncle Col is battling a Follickly challenged Clive James, AI gets a stunning 9 incher, it is 10 accross our marker Tonto says.

The Knight Rider who is still upset after his defeat says whoever did the handicapping is an arseho£e and watching bowling is like watching paint dry.

Chiefy comes over to add his remarks to the report and nicks Puds seat, he says they only let Wearry Willie out once a year, thank god, our old machine shop labourer has now left to catch the bus with Laa Laa and Dipsy. It is 13/11 to Mystic Mark according to my records but again I am wrong it must be all the beer, Tonto confirms it is 12 accross and The Knight Rider says he didn't say Jack Sh*t.

It is 12/13 to AI and Me and The Knight Rider think that Mystic Mark is on with two but we find he only has a one after we manage to stagger on to the green to measure them, Come dance with me come dance into the light, The Knight Rider sings on his way back it is 13 accross.

Mystic Marks lovely new bride watches eagerly as her new husband battles on

Captain Morecambe came for the samies but there were none left reports Aussie as Pud goes to see Magicman (The Noon Striker) who shows us how he dissapears in the fitting shop (By Chiefy).

It is now 14/15 down to Mystic Mark but the force is well and truly with him, he practises his Jedi skills he aquired bowling on a dinnertime with me and Aussie and launches into the lead with 19/15 as swifts pervade the green.

Mystic Mark goes on to win 21/16 with some stunning woods and Magic man entertains all the kids, it is the first time I have seen The Noon Striker with a sweat on, Mystic Mark has made it to the finals.

Uncle Col vs Clive James

Our other semifinalists are still on the green battling away a Follickly Challenged Clive James is 14 accross against our number one Sellers AIl Star Uncle Col, meanwhile magicman is back and Lady Teaspoon says I look like Frank Skinner whoever he is. It is a dead end as Clive James strikes the Jack off and its 17/14 to Col, Col in the traditional fashion tries to encourage his bowl but sadly for him it falls short making it 18/16.

Clive James has the block now and The Magic man is sussed out by one of Aussie's grandchildren, Penfold appears and offers advances to a poor Pud.

"Same as I say, Same as I say" Uncle Col shouts and it is now 20/17, The Magic man has now run out of tricks but Bart takes on the job and the other kids set up a theatre to watch him,

Uncle Col is into the final beating a perspiring Clive James 21/17 but no rest for poor Col he isn't even allowed a drink as the final starts upon his hard victory.

Mystic Mark vs Uncle Col IN mE FINAL ••.•...

Both opponents had battled hard to make it here, The Final for the gleaming Jewels, Penfold says he fancies Mystic Mark as Uncle Col scores a one making it 9/3 to Mark.

It was reported to me by Pud that Wonderwood has got lost somewhere after his half of lager kindly bought by Battyeford Lill, it is now 12/3 to Mystic Mark who it seems cannot do nothing wrong today it is as if he has radio controlled bowls!

Penfold says by way of a chat up line to the single Pod that she bought him a drink two years ago and he has never forgotten the very kind jesture.

The Knight Rider comes back from the Buffet for the fourth time and says Princess Becka has eaten the last of the food there is now just two bits oflettuce left it is 7/13 to Mystic Mark. ...

The Knight Rider adds after his:fifth pint "When you're pants are full of turd and you are sliding into third diaroeha" and he has to drive me home! it is 7/14 but something is very wrong with my scoring because I am informed it is 7/17 to Mystic Mark!?

Pod says to Wonderwood "Are you drunk after that half?", Wonderwood has finally returned to Bradley camp after getting lost, Wonderwood replies "Yes I can hardly stand up", to which Pud replies sarcastically "You can hardly stand up at the best of times" which I thought was a bit below the belt. It is I 0/19 to Mystic Mark.

"Can't Uncle Col find a decent pair of trousers that fit him" an entralled Pod exclaims as Col scores one making it 11/19.

"You are showing youre new wife something here" I say to Mark but Pud adds "Yes he his better with those balls than he is with the others", has she been talking to Lady Penelope I ask myself

Uncle Col gets on a run and its 16/19 then its 18/19 but Mystic Mark manages the final winning bowls and Uncle Col kicks them out, Mystic Mark is our new champion.

Well done from all at Mad Mick Publications UK and good luck with your new bride I must Label Lady Luck. ••• Till Next Time goodbye. •••• MAD MICK who is staring at the heavens with a tear in his eye. •••

This Story was staring ...

Michael Schofield as Mad Mick, Michael Judd as R2D2, Anthony Swallow as Dangennouse Anthony Crawley as The Knight Rider, Luke Schofield as Bart Simpson, Leanne Row as Aunty Leanne, Adele Row as Pod, Rebecca Schofield as Princess Becka, Peter Schofield as Wonderwood, Mavis Schofield as Battyeford Lill, Chris Costello as Joe PasquaIi, AIan Bell as Wally, Lauren as Angelica, Tommy Noon as The Noon Striker and later Magic Man, Joe as Tonto, AIan Stead as Unemotional AI, Steve Davis as Laal.aa, Graham Brook as Captain Xerox, Canute Clark as Dipsy The Walking Megaphone, John Earnshaw as Penfold, Margeret Hampshire as Chiefy's Wife, Barry Wilde as Born 2B Wild, Ian Shaw as Captain Beaky, Geoff Smith as Chuckles,

Steve Tidswell as A FolIickIy Challenged Clive James, Tim Sugden as Captain Morecambe, Darren Boyce as Numbnuts, Tina as Lady Teaspoon, Daniel as himself, Dave Newton as Aussie, Mark Tolson as Mystic Mark, Colin Ackroyd as Uncle Col, John Hampshire as Chiefy,

Mystic Marks new wife as Lady Luck, Stephanie Portsmouth as Lady Penelope ...

TILL Next time anyway GOODBYE

MAD MICK.

There will be a important announcement made today said Wally as rumours were whispered around the shop floor, was this another of those Doom and Gloom rumours I wondered, recently rumours have be seen to have skyrocketed following a secret

meeting with the Captains.

Rumours such as the following" An American company is buying us out and will close

us down", "Big Brother is getting the high jump" and "Van de Veel are buying 51% of Sellers" but Wonderwood says they deliberately start rumours to form a smoke screen

around what is actually happening.

'.,

"Is there life after Sellers" I asked The Balloon Warden, "I don't know but Y.()~ will find

out at 10a.m. in the Social Club" with that reply I said "Oh No not another one of those secret meetings with Barnsley Bill" but secretly I hoped it was.

"Everybody is meeting at 10 a.m. in the social club for some momentous announcement" he replied while going to work popping some balloons that had sprung

up over the weekend.

After break Hamster Spring A Leak, Mr Happy and Wally came down the slope into

the hub of Sellers, The Progress, as I walked up the slope to go and unload Dreamy Dave our Lancashire Tubes driver who had had to wait while we had our break. "Come on they said, the meeting is on now, you will have plenty to write about after this" but I was in a dispondent mood cos my computer printer cartridge had knackered up the previous night while writing" A League Of Their Own" my latest bowling

report.

"Lets look in the Triangle BLANK" from a combination ofBlankety Blank and Play

School" thankfully sorted my problem out and I thank him deep from my heart.

But I was also curious to see why Barnsley Bill had made a polite excuse when I asked him if he was coming to our Sellers Friendly Individuals Knockout This Sunday There are 25 players including •••••

THE NOON STRIKER, THE KNIGHT RIDER, MICHAEL MADONNA and

his ma and pa WONDERWOOD & HIS WIFE BATTYEFORD LILL and his ex girlfriend and BART's mum PUD, her sister AUNTY LEANNE and JOE PASQUALI a member of our premier pool team.

ps The TELETUBBIES are even coming •••

Anyway enough digressing Chiefy! I followed the meeting stampede, they seem to be coming rather common these days but I agree faceless memos are useless compared to the synergetic power of a meeting.

When I arrived our Captain, but sadly now Ex-Captain was sat on a table in the middle

of the room, he seemed very jovial and suggested that I sit with Lady Penelope but I stunk of beer and piSS and wouldn't dare! (remember that poem me did)

He seemed to be in a very good mood as he tried to encourage the timid workforce to move closer to him, The Chairman of The Mass Debating Society was so enthralled by his hypnotic powers he sat right next to him!

There then followed a long wait for the Balloon Warden and Chiefy who were unloading Dreamy Daves Waggon, the one that I was on my way to unload to which The Ex-Captain told jokes.

The Ex-Captain left the table he was sat on and walked over to the stage to finally dispell all those rumours that had dominated the shop floor during the last two weeks

ever since The Ex-Captains son had flown back from America for a crisis meeting

Silence filled the air has he started to speak ...

"The engineering side of The Sellers International group has been sold to On't

Wrong List and The Vice Captain" he told us about the disaster with PFE which he had been sold a dud by an Iranian called Dr ? but he had been selling purely to his relatives and the company did not exist.

He said he was 55 now and wanted to concentrate on the leisure side of the group, Arenascenery and try to cure his Insomnia ( for this I recommend a book called Insomnia by Stephen King) caused by late night phone calls and stress caused by lack of dream time.

Their were 4 avenues of escape:

1 Management buyout Pilot & Copilot buys his share I think? 2 MUMBO but brings outsiders in again

3 Sell up to an outsider

4 Close Up never even an issue

We decided on the first option he said has he motioned to The Vice Captain and On't Wrong List and who are now The Pilot and The Co-Pilot respectively of Sellers Engineers Huddersfield & Co.

He admitted he had made a lot of mistakes recently costing a lot of money, PFE alone had cost half a Million and the forty redundancies that followed cost nearly a quarter, he said he had too many irons in too many fires and had got badly burned as a result. He said when he came here back in '69 the shopfloor pension scheme was crap, what did you pay 1 & 6 now it is on a level pegging with the staff pension along with a lot of things you are treated as equals.

Y oure Captain is !!!! leaving a sinking ship, it is in better shape than it has been for a long time, despite all the rumours, our order book has never been in better shape

Finally he said "I am not going to break down as I leave and cross the road which is to me a big wide road" which their followed a round of applause for our Generous and open hearted Ex-Captain.

Mad Mick/Homer Simpson wishes our Ex-Captain all the best because he is a great guy to know, Aussie says, I think he has put more into this incarnation than most of us do in twenty lifetimes.

Our new Pilot and Co-Pilot then entered the spotlight, they had taken over the show, The Co-Pilot was previously known as On't Wrong List when he was On Wrong List during a firedrill back in March where he was in the middle of an important letter and lost his thread with all the excitement (It was organised by a joint venture with the Pink Team and The Yellow team).

The Pilot started his speech ...

He said the company was basically in good shape now that the Trak Rap project under the guidence of the Rebel MC was under the wing of Sellers International, which is now a separate company from Sellers Engineers Huddersfield & Co which is quite a mouthful and is being changed.

Barnsley Bill had been given The golden handshake much to Chiefys pleasure who has finally managed to bury the dreaded Tube Bay Debate forever.

All though, The pilot said they were glad of all the input that Barnsley Bill had put into the company and had enjoyed those different coloured before Easter and their suggestions, Barnsley Bill he said had opened a door and been a catalst to get everbody thinking and communicating again.

Be even woke Mad Mick up out of his "Frozen" state

After a long long stagnation

The Pilot then said the Co-Pilot had only another few years before he is sixty five but he is willing to stay on a few extra years if necessary, The company is stronger now than it has ever been he added with lots of orders in the pipeline.

If Sellers International do require any Trak Raps we shall build them for £70,000 and they will sell them for £77,000 but every other company is waiting for someone else to buy it, like it is with every other new idea but they are unlikely to take a company like ous seriously, Just ask anyone in Amway about peoples reluctance to new ideas.

He said Big Brother is now to be called Captain Beaky as he is now a director of the company and it would be boring in the board room with just me and the Co-Pilot. Afterall he said Captain Beaky has his heart in Sellers ... and like the rest of us on the shop floor want Sellers to survive; and finaly we all knew who we were working for. Obviously our Ex Captain had made too many mistakes by having as he said himself

too many irons in too many fires.

To change the subject he brought up the Canal which he said he had read in the Paper

had been deferred recently but it is more or less certain it will come through and The Grinding (The Lost World) and The Live Wires will be moved to an extension to the

Tin-Shop.

Sellers is number one worldwide and the future we all know is green, our new

recyclable carpet is now starting to take off, We are setting up a team to design a new shear since our old horizon has had a shadow cast over it by WEC newest model.

We will also develop a new logo.

How about The Millenium Shear and One Big Happy Family or OBHF our new

logo?

So now Sellers is entering a new era under the guidence of three Captains; Captain

Pilot, Captain Co-Pilot and Captain Beaky who promise to guide us along the precipise

into the next millenium.

After the meeting the shop floor was a lot happier knowing who they were working

for, for once and we all eagerly waited the tour of the works by our two Pilots, they

eventualy came round at about 4p.m.

Meanwhile me and Chiefy had a armwrestle to solve the feud that has grown between

us regarding the Tube Bay and Secret Squirrel compared himself to a fire extinguisher. Sellers had changed its atmosphere thankfully for the better as all the storm clouds gradually began to break up and I had witnessed my first Management Buyout.

We have now just over a hundred employees at Sellers and we are going to rise out of

the Ashes like a Phoenix concentrating on what we do best

The Battle is now over but the war is not yet won, in this continuous battle called Life

Oh Life (Desree) as we all try to look to the future once again a long daunting road

where more battles will occur.

We all shelter in the Oasis of Happiness content that it is being steered by Captain

Beaky and our two Pilots.

SUNDAY JUNE 18th THIS SUNDAY MEET ALL THE ALL-STARS, BARTS MUM, HER SISTER AUNTY LEANNE AND HER FIANCEE THE KNIGHT RIDER WHO IS ALSO AN UNCLE TO PRINCESS BECKA.

TONTO, UNCLE COL, THE BALLOON WARDEN are coming to watch WONDERWOOD and BA TIYEFORD LILL in the finals ••••••••

MAD MICK XXXXXXXXX

The day started normally for a Thursday we all went through our programmed motions, got our

wage papers and I went to bank to pay my reduced loan and draw some money out and also try to get my nine pound back off Yorkshire Water who require proof in the form of letter from the bank.

When I went to the bank reception there was Linford Christie was also waiting to be seen in one of the cubicles, I said can you type me a letter explaining that they had double debitted my account with their mistake back on April 27th making me overdrawn and costing me £9 in bank charges as a result but they kindly put one of the Direct Debits back on April' 28th.

The bank receptionist said you will have to wait to be seen in one of those dreaded cubicles but it was 20 past 12 and I was due to be back at quarter to and reasoned it would probably cost me more in reduced wage and stress off Captain Beaky for being late ...

The Afternoon was reasonably un-eventful so I set about taking all the smalls on 66 up to the Fitting but it was when I went down into the Progress, The Hub Of Sellers, to get a sack cart to move some spacer frames to the grinder as the Crane was out of action in Bay3.

Captain Beaky and Chuckles were backing Penfold into the The Domain of The Balloon Warden with what appeared to be some sort of Grave-Stone on first look. Captain Beaky said hang around Michael we might need you, I dont know why he calls me that, that name has no significance for me any longer, but I stayed out of curiosity.

Captain Beaky had a change of strategy and issued a command that Penfold should drive in forward and reverse up to the weighing scales, Chuckles was commanded to go fetch a pallet. When the van was in position, the contents of it were revealed, It was a Sundial looking like it had come from some museum park even down to its weather-ridden appearance, it was quickly and efficiently lifted out and assembled by me, Penfold, Chuckles and now born 2B Wilde who had also joined us to see what all the fuss was about.

There was a chunk missing which was kindly wrapped in a plastic bag his merry men all found as Captain Beaky went to answer a Tanoy request made by Lady Laughter, when he returned he quickly explained the situation.

It was a leaving present for our Ex-Captain who is as I told you in the last installment leaving Sellers Engineers Huddersfield & Co to cross a big wide road on July 1st and Morecambe and Wise are taking over.

The clock was wrapped in a Sellers Flag ready for the Big Event which was decided to be quarter past three by the powers that be as I quickly went to spread word of the new arrival in the Hub Of sellers to my fellow workers.

I told Aussie first who looked some-what astonished, which is unusual for him since he knows owt can happen at Sellers, Then he said he would have to go and see this, when he returned he joked it is five minunits fast, and The Visitor's news quickly spread throughout the machine shop. As Wally took his Playgroup to visit the new artifact I left for Teletubbie land to finish loading up the 66 smalls bound for the Fitting Shop, I had been so far broken off three times by The Balloon Warden.

I told Poe who was working away furiously with sandpaper on one of the beds, his face wet with persperation, That there was a Sun-dial in the progress, a leaving gift for our Ex-Captain and a presentation will be made shortly. "Has it got an alarm" he said you will need one, "No its for The Ex-Captain not me" I replied in sincerity

It is now 21:24 and like a marathon runner, I have peddled home on Christine, done my shopping with Jedi Master Damian at LIDL in Mirfield on Old Bessie my motorcycle and trailer, made polite excuses to his lord-ship that I couldn't stay for a beer tonight, Had Chilli and Chips at my dad Wonderwoods house where Battyeford Lill had gone to Bingo, Took some

advice from Wonderwood about this story.

.,.

I hope you don't all sue me for the index that prequels it but it was requested by the Ex-Captain himself and what the hell, It is now 21 :29 ... and I need to get back in the audience ...

SUNDAY JUNE 28TH TmS SUNDAY COME AND SEE •..

CAPTAIN XEROX' SON +11 vs YOU CAN CALL ME AL +5 (ALL STAR) GOLDENWOOD +9 (ALL STAR) vs CmEFY +11 (TUBE BAY) CHIEFY'S WIFE +15 vs DANGERMOUSE scr (?)

DIPSY +11 vs MAD MICK +9 (RABBIT ALL STAR TILL NOW ••• ) CAPT XEROX (ELITE) -8 vs AUNTY LEANNE +15 .

MYSTIC MARK(ALL STAR CAPTAIN) +9 vs AUSSIES SON (ALL STAR) +7 BATTYEFORD LILL (My MUM) +15 vs PENFOLD (Left us ... ) +1

THE KNIGHT RIDER (ALL STAR) +3 vs LAA LAA +11

TONTO THE LONE RANGER (ALL STAR) +5 vs THE ~OON STRIKER +4 JOE PASQUALI (CNC) +11 vs ROD (ALL STAR) +8

ACID TOUGUE (BARTS MUM) +15 vs WONDERWOOD (My DAD)+li . AUSSIE (ALL STAR) +9 vs UNCLE COL (ALL STAR #1) +2

R2 D2 +11 vs CHUCKLES scr

IN A KNOCKOUT TO ONE WINNER TO BE TAKEN PLACE AT FARNLEY TYAS. At 15: 15 all the Sellers Characters who behave so much different as a collective unit at work than what they do in their private home life except for me who is still Mad Mick and lives writes and dreams about Sellers, Just lately I have been anyway.

We were all congragated on the railings, all up the slope and right round to the door as The Mad monk took pictures of the sad event the loss of our much loved Ex-Captain to be replaced by Morecambe & Wise who all finally joined us.

Captain Morecambe started his speach, The Balloon Warden looked most uncomfortable on guard in front of his bins full of bits with Chiefy who had been clowning around just a minute before in front ofhis audience.

Captain Morecambe said it is a sad day, the end of an era to say goodbye to our much loved Ex-Captain who had started his days as a tea-boy at Norton & Woods Accountants, as remembered by one ofWonderwoods elderly neighbours, "What is he doing now" he asked my dad Wonderwood, "Oh he is the MD of my place of work".

In those days Norton & Woods did the accounts for Sellers and eventually by gradual change a young Ex-Captain found himself working at Sellers doing their accounts under the title of Assistant Company Secretary, A Ms Gibbon was then the Company Secretary and The Emporer owned the place this was back in the Summer of '69 when I was just born.

Gradually as Emporer who had loads of women but no kids, health started to fail and generally treated The Ex-Captain like a son. The company was sold to Mather & Platts who was in tum took over by Wormalds and The Ex-Captain was made M.D., but to its new owners Sellers was a rather different subsidiary to its main line of business.

The first Management buyout then took place with The Ex-Captain, Morecambe and Wise and various other non board shareholders, The Ex-Captain holding the biggest piece of the cake went on as M.D. and Morecambe and Wise joined the board.

Prior to this Captain Wise was The Technical Manager now he was The Technical Director and Captain Morecambe became the Financial Director.

Now in 1998 a second management buyout has took place and Sellers Engineers Huddersfield & Co. split from its Sister group of companies called Sellers Internationals because now Morecambe & Wise own this place.

The Ex Captain revealed the splendid Sun clock in all its glory by pulling away the Sellers flag which surrounded it after reading a poem placed on it by The Tin Shop poet, Alex Higgins, if I get his permission I will reveal its contents in my next issue Called "June The Twenty Eighth". It seems that making these stories using pseudonyms makes people have to talk to each other more to reveal the real person behind the character because we are all a collection of characters going down a road called "life" watching the signs as we go (our dreams so remember them). And as the old BT advert went "IT IS GOOD TO TALK", they say sharing a problem halves it but when you have the choice of over 100 characters it reduces it to nothing, If everone could just talk to each other without judging the world would be a better place my Jedi Master says. Anyway I reacted in my nervous manner nearly bursting into tears when The Ex Captain

refered to my stories where it seems I am lost in my inner world.

I cannot remember now exactly what he said but I remember I didn't know what to do, finally in my life I had achieved something of recognition, I think I have found something I could do at last, just write about Life at Sellers and Life in general.

When my Brother who I have labelled Forest fell into the abyss of depression I was devastated, but I couldn't do nothing to help him, I have been there in the glass box and totally frozen but its only when you learn to talk to people that you can get out of the Black hole.

I started writing when he went out and started walking after giving up his job because of the So Called "Child Support Agency" and other problems which hit him with crippling force. I wrote for the same reason he walked just to do something in this World.

But like The Terminator (remember him) used to say "You get out oflife just what you put in", I was between Wonderwood and Poe lent on the railings and everybody was laughing because The Ex Captain had mentioned "Live In The Balloon Wardens Quarters" so I am glad I can provide another service to you all but its not me its my guardian angel Ben that gives me the strength and has done so since my Near Death Experience iii 1990.

I traded love for fame and got exactly what I wanted, I lost Acid Tougue to Zooming Jason along with Bart my son, may be it was the work of something in the gears of life that broke us apart but it woke me up to be a human being.

I look after Bart Friday night, and Saturday all night till Sunday plus Wednesday Night and I

love the adventures we have going out on our mountain bike called Christine.

Anyway this above is the memory track after The Ex Captain gave me recognition.

The next thing I remember is we were all in the social club and I was sat below the cig machine with a roll up and half a bottle of Newcastle Brown after sitting by myself for nearly an eternity Laa Laa came to talk to me, everyone was in there, and the beer was bringing me

round.

I saw The Noon Striker sat by his self in a simular position that I had been in a few minutes ago so I politely excused myself from Laa Laa, to get some advise on my next story which I thought I had no chance of doing tonight going shopping and all that.

Captain Beaky came over and we all compared Beaks it was mutually agreed that The Noon Striker bet them all, we had a laugh as Captain Beaky said if I kept my stories going in the same form they would bring us all together, The team we want to be, lets beat those Germans. Somebody shouted ''Why don't we do this every week" I think it was Close To Edge and The Noon Striker shouted "The Ex Captain would end up with a lot of sundials"

The Sundial was The Ex-Captain's Wife's idea and she came and talked to me and The Noon Striker, well mainly The Noon Striker because I didn't say anything as usual.

Then Captain Pugwash who wants to be called Sinbad and The Grinding Poet who had gone he said a little too far with his second poem and has got a problem with his three and a half inch disc drive on his home PC came to discuss future names for everybody in our own beer enhanced brain storming session and we came up with converting the Members Draw sheet into

names which I would have to do later.

When we all returned to our jobs in the programmed world we did not feel we could do them the same the excitement was too much, I somehow managed to pedal home, do my shopping, and finally write this story which has had enormous therapeutic value on me.

As I told everyone I could, I have never fitted in anywhere in my life except Sellers for which I am eternaly greatful and I hope we make it into the next millenium but there will be many battles up ahead but I think we will make it.