Its about 9 weeks after giving up drinking that emotions start to return and you can find yourself with tears welling up in the most unusual places.
Since I told Acid Tongue to leave me I have not had any feelings in me and if any did come to the surface it is easy to drowned them out with a few gallons of rocket fuel however that no longer is an option.
Tonight at the AA meeting at Holmfirth Master Yoda shared about hugging his mum and telling her he loved her, he also said the same to his brother but ended up with a chipped tooth.
To me at this moment in time the only person who I can show any sort of emotion to is my dog Mrs Boley, she often finds herself being hugged for no apparent reason and has become a little confused at times especially just recently.
I also find I can have really good conversations with my 9 year old son about school, DVD’s and computer games and sometimes even as deep as the existence of God and why we are all here.
I often find myself looking around me especially queuing on the M62 wondering what people are thinking as they sit in there cars waiting for the one in front to move a few feet further, there minds appear to be somewhere else, probably back at work analysing some problem or worrying about loved ones at home.
The first true friend I remember having was a tom cat called Sooty and this cat really cared about me, when I would do my homework whilst studying for my A’ levels it would sleep on my back as I laid in front of the gas fire.
He would even get into my bed and sleep with his head on the pillow next to me and I have photographs to prove it.
I remember he would love eating goldfish food which I would shake a tub of to get him in on a night or I wouldn’t be able to sleep for worrying if he got run over.
When I sat in my mums garden during the summer he would come over to me purring while I was reading a book about Nuclear Physics or something stupid and would bring me back to the real world away from the cold mechanical universe we were supposed to inhabit.
I can still remember very vividly that fateful night back in 1986 when I was shouting Sooty in for the last attempt before I settled down for a sleepless night in his absence with nothing to talk to.
And to my joy and relief in the distance I could hear a faint meow, in my minds eye I pictured the little black and white friend tottering home at last, probably having forgotten it was so late being absorbed in some adventure that only cats understand.
Gradually the meows became loader and then to my horror I heard a deep, distant thud and then a shrilling feline shriek and I instinctively knew what had happened.
In Sootys rush to get back to his pining owner he had clean forgotten the little bit of road sense he had and has I run up Bradley Road in my pyjamas he was laid at the side of the road barely breathing with thick blood coming from his mouth.
I scooped him up in my arms and could feel his last desperate attempts to breath as he died in my arms and his spirit was set free from the pain into a world yet to be explained by the cold calculating physics I was studying.
For many nights after Sooty died I am sure I felt him climb on my bed and would often be awaken by his purring only to find it had only been in my mind and not in reality.
That was probably the last time I cried tears until I got a job at Hogwarts.
The good news is at 9 weeks the emotions return.
The bad news is at 9 weeks the emotions return…
DAY 65
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said , that, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be”
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count, I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find one fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will try to save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
The words above are the start of my day and are written for me to see every time I awake in the morning so that I can recite them before I start my day.
It may be hard but its better than dashing to the toilet wondering which of my three orifices I should discharge first, carefully positioning myself between the toilet bowl and the washbasin and the bath when one couldn’t wait for the other.
Hugging the toilet bowl retching violently to release a bright green liquid from the very bottom of my stomach whilst studying the “twyfords” logo written indelibly inside the bowl.
And then gasping for breath staggering downstairs whilst cursing at the cat for its incessant hungry meowing and then driving to work in a car who’s insides resemble a angry childs bedroom after throwing a tantrum.
Driving into the Heartshead services to avoid the squad car I noticed in the queue of traffic whilst I entered the sliproad just in case he decides to pick on me instead of some other unlucky motorist.
Entering the office late as usual with my mouth dry and my head swirling like a washing machine on fast spin while its occupants look at me with eyes of disgust or just pretend not to acknowledge the fact I have arrived.
Switch my computer on with my mind full of fear in case somebody asks me something or the phone rings and then I will have to try and say something without slurring my words.
Or even worse someone could come over and ask me to do something and my hands will be trembling so much that the mouse will not stay still and I will have to time my click in order to hit the required target with the little arrow following a blur of harmonic motion.
I would sink down behind my screen and hope no one notices me sat here well at least until maybe 11 oclock when I might feel ready to utter the occasional grunt or two.
I know it sounds funny now but this was my reality nearly everyday, just waiting for the evening to come along so that I could get back home and refuel with more alcohol in order to start the cycle all over again.
I would blame everything and everybody, the government, the headmaster, the company – just anyone but there was nothing wrong with me – and I certainly didn’t drink too much, in fact I could drive better, I could talk better at least I thought so when I had had a drink.
I would sometimes visit my friends house and we would spend the entire evening discussing how we would single handedly solve all the worlds problems if only we were given the opportunity whilst downing can after can of super lager and when I stepped outside afterwards it was the fresh air that made me drunk….
Now 65 days later … just for today I wont take that first drink because it’s that first drink which causes the runaway effect in us alkies that makes us drunk
Just For Today....
DAY 66
DAY 66
Well here goes day 66 and another aimless load of twaddle from me, I awoke at 1:30 am last night or rather this morning after having a strange dream that I could move things with my mind by simply thinking about it.
I dreamt that I was concentrating on this green folder on my bedroom floor and willing it to lift into the air and suddenly without warning it started to float about 1 foot into the air, I then willed my bedroom door shut and it slowly closed all by itself.
The next minute I was at work at Hogwarts and The Headmaster asked me to pass him the hole-punch and to everyones amazement the hole punch slowly lifted on its own accord and gently floated across the office to his desk in the far corner.
The Headmistress, Marti Pellow and Kev were all looking at me wide eyed as I sat at my desk with my right hand pointing at the levitating object and my eyes closed, only the dictator did not notice the spectacle since he was facing the opposite direction.
The Headmaster looked at me and said with a menacing tone to is voice “Michael you have gone too far this time!” and then I awoke with the vivid picture still in my mind and his voice still echoing as if from a distant world.
Today at work there was the usual atmosphere of ambivalence and once again Marti was off ill, I did not quite live the “Just For Today” instructions since I criticised Marti about using old Batch codes for Buff bricks in his absence to Little Miss Nancy and must apologise for this.
I have also my second interview for the stores person for the toybox at Teletubbieland with Tinky Winky and the headmaster tommorow so I have decided to have a bath and have just returned from it now.smelling a bit nicer.
It is me and Kevs second interview for the position and I cannot seem to visualize in my minds eye me getting the job which usually means that I wont but you never know this time I could be wrong.
I have also had a great meeting at Brighouse, which I again gave “The Future Rugby Player” a lift to he has just once again returned from the abyss and seems more determined than ever to stay away from the cunning demon.
SS was there and we arranged a meeting for sometime next week when I could next have a day off (I cant at the moment due to Marti being ill) and The Messiah was also present and claimed to have got so bored today that he actually had a little nosy at this web site.
Princess Lea was sharing about her interrogation on the death star by Darth Vador and her dieing love for Hans Solo also the fact that she first attended AA back in 1994, in the audience was the Undertaker from Dewsbury and all his disciples.
In summary it was a really good day and as I took my dog Miss Boley for a walk on the fields tonight I had a real feeling of warmth when I talked to my higher power and thanked him for the help he has given me during the last 66 days
Hi my name is Luke and I have got a nutty daddy called Mad Mick who says he is on his 68th day sober and has been told not to write about his place of work so he has told me to write something.. so here goes...
The Story Of The Iron Maiden and The Three Stooges
Once upon a time, there was a purchasing manager named Iron Maiden. She went for a walk in the field nearby her place of work Hogwarts. Pretty soon, she came upon a little house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. The Iron Maiden was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
"This porridge is too hot!" she exclaimed.
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
"This porridge is too cold," she said
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
"Ahhh, this porridge is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.
After she'd eaten the breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Iron Maiden sat in the first chair to rest her feet.
"This chair is far too big!" she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second chair.
"This chair is too big, too!" she whined.
So she tried the last and smallest chair.
"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!
Iron Maiden was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Iron Maiden fell asleep.
As she was sleeping, Barnsley Bill, Inspector Clueso and Little Miss Ewok came home after a hard day at hogwarts.
"Them Whaaarfs haven’t fired too good t’day, hey look ‘ere yonder some c*nts bin’ ateing mi’ porridge," growled the Barnsley Bill in his broad south Yorkshire accent.
"“Its all to cock, mi Richmonds are up 4 packs and mi southdaans over thur are 20 packs daan an thers sales orders being mentained by folk all over shop, thers blokes counting stock twice haws anyone supposed to keep track of it all and to top it all off that c*nts tranna’ nick one of mi trucks.
I go on holiday for a week…. Hey someones bin’ eatin’ ma’ porridge as well” said Inspector Clueso
"Its hard work putting up with the bean counters all day and June out of the Bill is a good friend hey look Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Little Miss Ewok.
"Someone cants’ bin liggin’ in my chair," growled the Barnsley Bill.
"Not just content wi’ pinchin’ mi trucks some b******d’s been sitting in my chair," said Inspector Clueso.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they've broken it all to pieces," cried the Little Miss Ewok.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Barnsley Bill growled, "Does tha not know, Some cants’ bin’ kippin in ma bed,"
"Some tossers’ been sleeping in my bed, too" said Clueso
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Little Miss Ewok.
Just then, Iron Maiden woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, "Help!" And she jumped up and ran out of the room. Iron Maiden ran down the stairs, opened the door, and ran away into the forest. And she never returned to the home of the three stooges ever again.
The last few days have been really strange as if there has been another quantum jump in my understanding of the first three steps, now on a weekend I am joined by my new disciples in my prayers on the hill when I take my dog for a walk in the fields.
Little Miss Squeaky my 11 year old niece and of course my 9 year old son Luke all kneel in a line in our favourite place which overlooks the calder valley and say our prayers to our higher power.
Luke has started saying “God look after yourself because if you don’t look after yourself there will be no one to look after us” the world through the mind of a child is always so inspiring.
Anyway on Thursday I had my second interview for the internal job at Hogwarts for the keeper of the toybox at Teletubbieland with their works manager Tinky Winky and my boss the Headmaster.
The interrogation I thought was very severe with lots of open ended questions, it seems they expect this store person to operate a stores which will be the benchmark for the other three sites, I mean when you see the reality of it the successful candidate will only be responsible for a load of ancient spare parts covered in cobwebs.
“Why was I applying for the job?”, maybe the answer to that could be I simply don’t know but of course you cant say that so I had to waffle a load of bull about bringing two sides of my personality together which had somehow drifted apart.
Also that I wanted to interact more with people which I think would be good for me and of course to get away from Hogwarts central HQ where everyone treats me like a social leper which is hardly unsurprising considering my mental state during the last 3 ½ years.
I also said that having lots of separate store-cupboards could be put to the sites advantage in that the security of each one could be different whereas if you have just one big storeroom then you have just one key which gains you access to everything.
Anyway I did my best and now have left it to fate or if you prefer my higher power to decide, if he wants me to have another challenge it will be placed before me otherwise I will carry on doing the job I do with the best of my ability.
I do think I still have a lot to learn about teamwork though, I mean Marti finds me I am sure very hard to work with maybe it is because I have become accustomed to doing things on my own and now have little patience to share my duties with others but it is something which I have to learn to do.
On Thursday Night I texted Acid Tongue that I was having Friday as a holiday and would she like me to pick Luke up from school and I received a text back saying simply “No” which resulted in me having one of my angry spells for the rest of the night and most of Friday morning.
All my entries to this site were simply unpublishable but I did get a little relief when I shared with everyone at my AA meeting at Holmfith about what I thought about my relationship with her and that maybe It was this time last year when she sent me a solicitors letter denying me contact with my son a state of affairs which was to continue until early January which sent me into a rage.
I went to see my sponsor SS on Friday and really enjoyed the talk we had which seemed to cover every possible topic from the Iraq conflict to the car parking facilities outside his house.
He suggested that I should not be so soft with everyone, people pleasing as he put it, right from my relationship with Acid Tongue to giving people a lift to the various AA meeting. He also said I should not criticise Acid Tongue in front of Luke and give up writing my diaries on line which he considered was attention seeking.
His theory was the AA works because it has a little community spirit, something that has become lost in todays society and I must admit when I was younger our neighbourhood was a lot more friendly than it is today.
I mean most of the time when I walk past a neighbour now-a-days I look up at the sky like I have just seen something profoundly interesting while he / she studies the cracks in the pavement at one time not so long ago the neighbours would be people you confided in now the have all either died or moved away.
Saturday night was bonfire night at my old drinking buddys house, “The Gangster” someone who I have known since I was perhaps five years of age, Me, my mum, Little Miss Squeaky and of course Luke all added to the crowd which comprised of Sharron, The Cave Girl, Captain Caveman, Chucklevision, Sneaky Stacy, Fubu Man and a whole host of other kids.
This was to be a good test of my emerging sobriety since I have always found myself drinking huge quantities at this annual event in the past but was now determined to easily prove myself.
The fist act of the evening was watching Fubu-man nearly blow himself up whilst lighting the bonfire with half a gallon of petrol and having consumed copious quantities of super lager.
Of course I made sure all the younger members of the audience were safely positioned behind me while the ultimate firework was lit, luckily after the vapours exploded Fubu Man was only left with a lightly burnt arm but the petrol container was consumed sadly in the flames and resulted in the Gangster being most concerned about its replacement, since it is used regularly when his car runs out of petrol.
Maybe The Gangsters financial situation does not warrant a full tank of petrol for his car but it always seems to find funds for a full fridge of beer even though he has not got a drink problem or so he says.
His mate, Captain Caveman said that he can easily drink 14 cans of super lager and has never had a hangover or even shakes in the morning or even slur his words.
Has the Sofa I had leeked on on numerous occasions in the past was thrown on to the bonfire and Fubu Man and his fiancé Cave Girl examined Fubu’s burnt arm I bid them all farewell and left for the AA meeting at Dewsbury to share all the happenings so far with my new friends.
Dewsbury’s version of Mad Mick, The Undertaker was busy sharing when me and The future Rugby Player arrived there a few minutes late and he was in the middle of a scenario about someone being late for a train.
I was sat next to Master Yoda as were drawn in to the Undertakers share about the guy who had rushed down to the platform and just missed the train returned back to a normal person when the panic had passed.
I am still not quite sure what was the point he was trying to make but when after the many shares I arrived back at the bonfire to discover all the fireworks I had paid for had gone and I was about to commence chauffeur duty once again I realised that maybe my sponsor was right and by caring too much about people you was just used.
Anyway that’s where I am and I have my step 4 form ready to be filled in next week, it goes something like this, three columns which are headed:
ResentmentThe Cause Affects My
Anger, FearAcid TongueRelationship with my son
LonelinessUncontrollable Anger
Depression
Just returned from my Sunday night meeting and for the record it is Sunday 7th November and the traffic lights at the top of the retail estate for B&Q were stuck on red and to avoid waiting there I went through and since they were still on red on the return journey to drop The Future Rugby Player off I feel justified in doing so.
It is a bloody dangerous state for them to be in but I honestly would not be surprised if this was another government scam for making money still has Luke so comically pointed out about the temporary traffic lights which welcome us on our visit to my brother Forest which the same fate occurred to, it is better than them being stuck on green!
Tonight at Dewsbury Jedi Master Mace Windu performed a absolutely excellent share I would give it a 5 star rating, and all that from a guy who I had not yet heard speak let alone do a top table share.
There seems to have been a lot of politics gone on in the distant past, some of it going back to when I was in nappies so it seems the AA does have its problems in this respect, I however being just 10 weeks sober today vow not to become involved in judging others.
I cannot seem to stop writing my experiences in this way, it does seem to be very therapeutic for me and the fact that I place this on a hard to find web page just means that who ever reads it are destined to do so in some strange way.
It isn’t exactly like Robbie Williams does it with his songs which go on to become top ten hits heard by millions and who I am listening to now.
It seems to me that by writing about my journey through my life I give to it meaning which is very important to someone like me especially just now when I am like a baby without his favourite dummy.
The Coal miner said to me tonight when I told him of my discomfort at my friend, The Gangsters bonfire yesterday, that I don’t have to say anything if I have nothing of significance to say.
It is a trait left over from my alcohol induced mindset, that and something to do with ones hands other than light fag after fag and smoke yourself to death.
I feel almost like an alien now, I do not feel comfortable in the company of my old friends but as I sat on the steps to the AA today neither do I feel completely at ease with the genuine friendship of my new found fellowship.
I am like a person torn between two worlds, I am on that “bridge to normal living” what the “Big Book” so often refers to sometimes looking back at the old familiar territory of a earlier existence but most of the time facing forward to the distant shore at the other side where many are encouraging me to carry on the long lonely journey between the two.
It was almost like a dream today at Holmfirth, Tony Blair came to me out of the mist which hangs round the little chapel of serenity, my oasis of peace and said “I have got a bit of a quandary for you, do you know Jedess Mistress Sandy, well I have asked her to share tonight but if she don’t turn up will you stand in and if she does turn up can you do next week?”
I spent the next ten minutes anxiously awaiting her arrival so that I would be spared the experience even enquiring with Ragdoll much to her surprise about her JM Sandys whereabouts so that I could delay the inevitable for a week.
When she did arrive she claimed to be jet-lagged having just return from one of Saturns outer moons just hours before and asked me if I would stand in which I reluctantly agreed still no point brooding for a week.
This was my third top table share the other two were performed at the Huddersfield venue some weeks prior but the nerves were still just as dominating during the brief introductions made by the Chairman, Mr Blair.
The audience was maybe 15 to 20 people but I felt comfortable with them all, they were my friends almost soul mates who had catapulted me out of the empty sea of despair to a spiritual existence I was only just beginning to understand.
I have laid out the bones of my AA story before now I had the chance to gradually add meat to my story and it is the first time I have ever mentioned my ex partner Acid Tongue.
The Michael Madonna / Einstein Mick Jaquel and Hyde character was explored after my brief mention of my studious school days being the classroom swot, the “instant idiot – just add alcohol” thing which all alcoholics relate to about their early days drinking.
The feelings of loneliness and isolation as your friends grow up and become responsible while you pursue that immature juvenile behaviour to the point of saturation then wind up drinking on your own without a friend to speak of.
My encounter with the Grim Reaper was there in July 1990 with a brief passing of my “Near Death Experience” and my 9 years at Sellers as the author of a very revealing newsletter with the culmination of myself being made redundant for referring to their latest machine as “The Weird & Wobbly”.
All the time my life was fuelled by the desire to hide my emotions behind huge quantities of alcohol and choosing that over a life with Acid Tongue and my little son Luke and eventually my job at Sellers.
Responsibilities just get in the way of drinking alcohol but when it consumes you and you have nothing left but to sit in your dingy little flat with a bed that had rotted through with all the piss and flies buzzing above your head and your ex misses has stopped you from seeing your son who is now 6 years old you reach your first rock bottom.
I caused a great deal of laughter when I shared of my honest interview answers as I tried desperately to get another job but could only see myself as sharing my life with the worms when asked to visualize myself five years hence.
A lot of sharers say where there is laughter, there is recovery but its strange how we alkies can find things funny when we relate to them in our own lives.
Anyway as we all know I went on to be employed at Hogwarts for another 3 ½ years before suffering the holiday from hell at Skipsea and winding up 10 weeks sober in a AA meeting which is where I was today.
The Higher Power I have found is not mutually exclusive to the frontiers of physics and indeed many great scientists also have a strong belief in God even as far as to say that the Universe cannot have a beginning without a external observer.
But despite my hard educational achievements in the past I have now come to accept that too much analysis can lead to paralysis, it is better to simply give your life over to a higher power and follow the simple truths laid down in the twelve steps of the AA.
As I drew my share to a close with the above, I again felt that wave of relief wash over me.
Ragdoll said afterwards that she strongly identified with my childhood curiosity driving me to completing a Physics Degree but of course more answers in this direction just lead to a whole maelstrom of further questions.
My Sponsor JM SS said that has time goes on shares become harder to do since you run out of things to talk about due to you only having one story.
But it was of course Jedi Master Yoda who drew further laughter when he shared about his account with Slumberland Beds.
He said in his hey day he was going through 4 beds a year which would all seem to develop great gaping holes in the middle and he was getting a big problem disposing of his old beds out of his stinking flat.
He said he particularly enjoyed this time of year because it was a great excuse for having a bit of a bonfire without questions being asked by the neighbours.
Eventually those who lived nearby became wise to his quarterly nocturnal activity of burning old beds that they would try to embarrass him down at the pub with talk about his escapades with his Rusty Bed Springs.
But like myself Yoda could not suffer embarrassment and I think maybe a lot of alcoholics who have hit the abyss time and time again feel the same way.
I would just like to thank “HellsBells17” for keeping my spirits afloat with this secret website with my first bit of encouragement I have had so far…
“I think your web site is Brill !! i read it all the time and chuckle to myself at some of the antics your poor dog has to put up with. I Print each new message off and send it to my friend who loves also to read your diary. Keep it up!!!! Im on day one AGAIN today and im determined this time i will do it. With your diary and my determination this time im sure i will succeed.
P.S My mate would die of boredom if you stopped your diary as he is been held at her majestys pleasure. Your diary has given him something to read as he's finnished all the books in the library. He looks forward to my letters which include all your entries !!!.”
Had another one of my days holiday from Hogwarts again today now I have 9 remaining to take before Christmas but I have to use three of these for the Christmas Holidays.
In the past having a days holiday would mean getting absolutely out of my head the night before and also making sure I had plenty of beer in the fridge for my usual 4 am wakening, then the day would be spent “taking the dog for a walk” early morning to witches wood and having another few cans while watching the crazy world go to work, then drinking steadily through the day until oblivion set in.
Now I try to make sure I have something to do to keep me busy and today I was to take my Ford Focus motability car in for a new headlight bulb fitted and sign up for my fathers next car which looks like being a focus CMAX.
It is a sign of todays crazy society we all live in when we have to take the car to the dealers to have a bulb fitted, but car manufacturers make it so difficult to do these jobs yourself obviously to make more money, since I am told they make very little on the sale of new cars.
The lady who my father booked the appointment with, the motobility specialist had decided to have the day as a holiday obviously having forgotten about us so we did not get to sign up for the new car but my dad did get a exciting trip round Huddersfield town centre in his wheelchair while the dealer spent a hour trying to figure out how to fit the bulb.
When we arrived back at home my mother informed me that Acid Tongue, Luke; my 9 year old sons mum, was on the phone apparently she had been on a pub crawl round town and could I pick up Luke and his kid sister from the Deighton Mafias HQ’s house.
She had apparently been trying to contact me all day on my mobile but I had left it on charge so as a result a member of the Deighton Mafia had picked Luke and his sister up from school and they were at his house.
I did as instructed and my mother kindly made them a bite to eat, Lukes little sister is only 5 years old but she has become a right little chatterbox and when I asked her if she had a good day at school I was told “Talk to the hand cos the face wont listen boy!” Luke said to me “You can see why I like coming to your house now dad for a bit of peace”
Anyway I took them both for a walk with my dog Miss Boley round the field which overlooks the calder valley and introduced Lukes little sister to our prayer ritual which she joined in with great enthusiasm.
Luke told her about where Hamster-Spring-A-Leak lives and how the 100 ft high electricity pylons march round the field on a night when everyones gone to bed for exercise and also the hedgerow where Bev discovered Kevs bald head while enjoying a walk – generally all the crazy things his daddy had told him when he was five years old going for a walk after dark.
When we returned a quick phone call revealed confused directions to where their mum Acid Tongue had finally wound up – somewhere in Thornton Lodge.
When we finally managed to find the house we were met by a site which further strengthened my resolve not to drink again, maybe this was another one of those convoluted but synchronistic messages from my higher power.
Acid Tongues little sister immediately covered me with kisses as her jealous boyfriend looked on and Acid Tongue herself looking only slightly more in control of her faculties explained that her sister was very drunk
Acid Tongues sister then went outside to have a fight with her boyfriend with their little daughter not knowing which way to turn was ushered into the lounge by the other occupants, then Acid Tongue went to sought out the problem and the next thing out of the lounge window we all witnessed them having a catfight.
I finally managed to get Acid Tongue, Luke and his sister into my car to take them home after searching for her lost door-key which had become misplaced during all the shenanigans.
All this activity nearly made me late for my AA meeting at Brighouse and my two passengers Feargal Sharkey and The Future Rugby Player were nearly left without a lift to the venue.
I cannot ever describe the feeling of getting sat down in a AA meeting, the feeling of being “home” is overwhelming.
Angelica was sharing and as she talked my head was once again filled with serenity and peace, the voices that continually chatter in my brain fell silent and the wondrous feeling of belonging settled over me.
As the shares bounced around the room someone described a ladies night where upper class snobs hold their tiny glasses of wine and talk to each other with social grace occasionally having little petite sips.
Their tiny measures of alcohol would last them hours and the fussy host would periodically encourage them that the PIMs and vintage wine could be found in the conservatory should one require a refill.
The Sharer said in her drunken days she would of visited the conservatory and come back with a bloody full bottle, I mean what was the point in drinking out of these tiny glasses in her heyday she would of just got sat down and had to get back up again to get a refill.
The point she made hits the nail on the head about the difference with alcoholics and “normal” people.
With us alkies you either get stuck in and drink the bloody stuff and end up like Acid Tongue and her friends with unmanageable and chaotic lives or you join a rare but distinguished breed and never drink again.
I have chosen the latter and as I talked to my sponsor and John Charlie at the end of the meeting it is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
I've only just seen this, just to tell you your words were a huge help to me this morning - I've always enjoyed your mails before, combination of laughing and crying I guess, but well done mate, I think what you've done is brilliant
As several people on here will know I've been a walking disaster just lately, but I'm back on the way - only day 2 again but one day at a time
Michael, I live in France and it's not particularly easy for me to get to Paris - based English speaking meetings
But, I now fully accept that I have to start going ( although I did accept that a long time ago as well, but I guess we're allowed some hesitation sometimes ), so I'll work on that
But could I ask a question ? A big step for me, but in the past few days I have accepted that I need - want - faith in a higher power. I was reading a book on Anthony Hopkins last night - he goes to meets everywhere 5 times per week, and he was saying that it's not his life, not his business any more, he let's " somebody else " do the worrying because he accepts there's a higher power out there stronger than him - he said once he accepted that things changed immediately, he suddenly had a life with no booze. Do you mind if I ask as to how you came to accept that also ? Hope it's not too personal a question, you can tell me to buzz off if it is. Anyway, keep posting Michael, and real thanks for your help. Take care, Terry
Hi Terry
I dont think a higher power just popped up out of the blue for me I think it has been a gradual process, just a little bit at a time.
I have always liked to believe in the past that there is something out there, something nebulous but far more powerful than either you or I.
When I was younger I would always ask people why we were here, what it was all about and I guess that never left me, but now many years of paralysis of analysis later I have come to believe that it is not for our little puny minds to understand.
I mean it took the genius of Einstein to realise that time is just another dimension of space and as we have delved deeper into the atom which is the building blocks of all we observe and the nucleus and then protons we find a entirely new miniature world within.
As we look out across the vast distances across the cosmos we find black holes, neutron stars and other even weirder worlds we have yet to understand.
There are just four forces of nature, the strong and weak nuclear forces, electromagnetism and gravity and if the relation in strength between them all the universe could not exist, the whole of Physics depends on a fine balancing act.
I have read countless books on the afterlife but my favourite quote was that a traveller once approached this very wise Tibetan monk and asked him what was beyond the veil of death.
The monk replied "I don’t know I haven’t died yet", some believe we live in a thought world with houses, clothes, schools and maybe even a McDonalds or two (after all they do seem to be everywhere).
All our thoughts are apparent to all those around us and we tend to be surrounded by entities of similar thought patterns, hence if you think hateful things you are surrounded by others who think likewise a hell of your own making.
All these beliefs I think are just our minds trying to rationalise a continuum after we move to another level of existence, which in our current form our minds, cannot comprehend.
I do strongly believe that when we drink alcohol we become susceptible to the lower level spirits who can even possess us temporarily leading to blackouts and distinct changes in personality.
Society I think is on the precipice of a spiritual revolution, we have come full circle from when our ancestors were very close to their latent powers to the dependence of mankind on this technologically connected society where never have we all felt so lonely.
Gradually many people are reaching out for something warm and caring, where real love and companionship is shown between fellow men, be it the AA or Buddhism, spiritualism etc.
For all its phenomenal achievements during the last century we are only beginning to understand how little we really know, we have created a world where possessions, money and status are the things to look up to.
Everyone must have the latest gadget, fastest car, best job and in the struggle up the ladder we leave behind our emotions and our spiritual nature.
Alcohol and Drugs ripe in our society can kill the pain, but eventually the locked up emotions find ways of breaking through especially in those of us who are particularly sensitive i.e. us alcoholics.
I feel so at home in the AA meetings I visit, no one is trying to prove they are better than anyone else, talk is honest and not about making people look good.
I think like the big book says too many people who take part in this 4 dimensional soap opera we call life want to rule the show, they want to take centre stage, they want to control the other actors.
When we accept that we are just a small part in a big show and give our will over to the director or higher power the more enjoyable our part will become and the better our part will be to the other actors.
Our relation with the invisible director is up to us, he will help us if we ask him, but he has given us free will to act as we please so he will not interfere.
Maybe, this life on earth is a dress rehearsal for the real thing, maybe what we call the real world is merely shadows cast by a even grander existence, I don’t have answers to these questions and could never comprehend it even if I did.
The thing is not to worry about all the analysis just have a open mind and accept his will as your own.
I don’t know if this helps but I have only just started my journey into sobriety but its what I believe and I can only share that
BEV & KEV 2.
Bev & Kev Go To A Bonfire
Bev and Kev are going to a firework display.
Kev is very excited.
See Kev skipping.
Bev dresses Kev in his best cardigan, his new Balaclava, his duffel-coat, and his mittens on strings.
Bev holds Kev's hand all the way to the park because it is on a very busy road.
At the park there is a great big bonfire.
Do you like bonfires?
Kev sometimes has a bonfire in his garden.
See the neighbours get their washing in.Kev has not had any tea, so Bev buys Kev a jumbo sausage.
Because Kev has been a good boy since 'The organ incident'
Bev goes to buy Kev some ice-cream.
Kev can't eat the sausage because he still has his mittens on.
See Kev waiting for the fireworks.
Silly Kev has forgotten to do something before he came out.
See Kev hopping about holding his sausage.
Kev needs to go to the little boys room but he doesn't know what to do with his sausage.
See Mrs. Bickerdyke 'Eh-up fluffywhiskers' says Mrs. Bickerdyke.
Mrs. Bickerdike is from Yorkshire - see the whippets
Kev starts to cry - poor Kev.
'What's the matter?' says Mrs. Bickerdyke.
Kev sobs 'I need to go to the little boys room but I don't know what to do with my sausage'.
Mrs. Bickerdyke takes the sausage and says 'I'll look after it for you'.
Kind Mrs. Bickerdyke.
Kev hops off to the little boys room.
See Kev come back in a few minutes and takes his sausage back.
'Thank you Mrs. Bickerdyke' says Kev.
Bev sees Kev talking to Mrs. Bickerdyke.
Bev doesn't like Mrs. Bickerdyke.
Bev is very cross.
Can you grind your teeth and hiss?
Bev can.
Bev shouts to Kev 'Get over here this instant!'
Kev starts to cry again.
"What have I told you about talking to that woman?' says Bev
Kev blubs 'I needed to go to the little boys room, and I couldn't because of my mittens, so Mrs. Bickerdyke held my sausage sausage for me while I went'.
See the fireworks
See Bev rub ice-cream into Kev's bald head
Poor Kev.
Bev & Kev Go Shopping
Bev and Kev go shopping
Today, Bev and Kev are at the shops.
Bev is buying blue pills from the Chemist for Kev.
Do you sometimes feel all floppy?
Kev is waiting outside for Bev.
Kev sees Mrs. Bickerdyke.
'Hello Mrs. Bickerdyke' says Kev
'Hello fluffywhiskers' says Mrs. Bickerdyke
See Kev Blush
See Kev look around in case Bev can see him
"What have you been shopping for today?" says Kev
Mrs. Bickerdyke shows Kev her new nightie
See Kev blush again
Mrs. Bickerdyke says 'are you still repairing your shed roof?'
Kev says 'Yes, I am'
Mrs. Bickerdyke gives Kev a list of shops where he can get a new roof for his shed.
'Thank you Mrs. Bickerdyke' says Kev
'Goodbye fluffywhiskers' says Mrs. Bickerdyke
Do you know how to storm out of a shop? Bev does.
Clever Bev.
'What did that woman give you?' says Bev.
'Mrs Bickerdyke gave me a list of cheap places where I could get felt' says Kev.
See Bev throw away Kev's blue pills and pull Kev along the road by his ear.
Poor Kev.
Kev, Mrs Dix And The Organ
Kev is in the bath.
See the bubbles.
Splish, splash.
Bev has gone to the shops to buy some salad.
Do you like salad?
Kev does.
There is someone at the door.
Hear the doorbell 'Ding-Dong!'
Hear Kev say some rude words.
Do you know any rude words?
Kev knows lots.
See Kev run down the stairs, and open the door in his bathrobe.
Why do you think Kev has a door in his bathrobe?
See Mrs. Dix the post-lady at the door
'Hello Mr. Marsh' says Mrs. Dix'
Hello Mrs. Dix' says Kev.
Mrs' Dix says. 'I have a parcel for you Mr. Marsh, is it one of your special video films about people who have lost all their clothes?'
See Kev blush.
Paint Kev's cheeks red.
'No' says Kev, 'it is some organ music I have been waiting for'
Mrs. Dix says 'Is that your organ I can see, the big shiny one?
''Yes' says Kev, 'it's a 7-stop 2-manual 1938 Woodstock pipe organ but I can't use it at the moment as pumping it makes Bev's arm ache'.
'I could pump it for you' says Mrs. Dix.
Kind Mrs. Dix.'
That would be lovely' says Kev, 'but you have to pump quite hard to get it started as my bellows are rather old and perished'.
See Mrs. Dix pumping.
Pump-pump-pump.
Kev's friend Marti knows a song about that.
Hear Kev play Bach's Prelude & Fugue in D major.
Clever Kev.
Mrs. Dix says 'That was lovely Mr. Marsh'.
See Kev blush again.
See Bev arrive home.
'Hello Mrs. Marsh' puffs Mrs. Dix
'Mr. Marsh was showing me the organ in his bathrobe, he can do some wonderful things with it - even though he is out of practice'.
I am still having a bit of a battle with my old ISP Tiscali since they ripped me off £70
Reply From Tiscali
Dear Mr Schofield
Thank you for your recent letter.
Please be aware that Tiscali are unable to monitor or control the usage of Internet dial-up numbers. Subsequently it is the responsibility of the customer to ensure that they are accessing the internet using the correct dial-up number.
I’m afraid that, for this reason, we are unable to refund any charges incurred by using the incorrect dial-up number
Please accept my sincere apologies as I understand that this is not the response that you had hoped for
