What a day I have had, this morning went out on our little Puch Magnum X with a eager Luke and a most enthusiastic Little Miss Squeaky and the little bike was perhaps a little sluggish.
The weather in the quarry, a piece of wasteland hear where I live was awful but we persevered and took the little bike down what we call the black track and both Luke and Squeaky were really enjoying themselves flying through the huge puddles.
Me and Mrs Boley wasn’t faring so well with the freezing cold hail stones battering us strange how when you are having such fun on a motorcycle you don’t notice these things.
Soon however the water started to get into the bikes electrics and eventually it cut out leaving us all pushing the little beast a mile or so all uphill through rough boggy fields and by the time we reached the summit we were all cursing the seller for selling us a dud and though Luke didn’t show it you could tell he was upset.
Eventually we got it back to our garage and with red raw hands managed to get the beast in there where I undid the spark plug to check for a spark (I used to spend endless hours tinkering with my old Yamaha RD50 in my younger years)
I did not notice in my haste to discover the fault that petrol was leaking from the flooded carburettor but did discover that the electrics had dried out on the machine since the spark ignited all the leaking petrol.
Getting 33% burnt back in 1990 as a result of a “similar accident” did not help me with my initial reaction to the little motorcycle which was now engulfed in flames and with nearly a full tank of petrol was a potential bomb sat there ticking away in my garage with my car parked a few metres away in the drive.
Coming quickly to my senses I dragged the bike out on to some wasteland that lies outside my garage and while Luke went to fetch some water quickly reversed the car out of the way.
Luckily my friend The Gangster arrived with his young son CK eager to see what all the fuss was about with this new motorcycle he had heard about and became quickly involved in the water chain throwing buckets, pans and any container to hand on the burning beast but all to no avail.
It was only when we covered the beast with some new curtains which had been dampened that the gangster had kindly donated and a soggy old carpet from the back of the garage and some 40 buckets later that the fire was finally extinguished.
The fire had burned right through the fuel pipe and was constantly feeding itself, and the burnt remains that were left brought a tear to the eye but I count my blessings now that no one was injured and that the fuel tank had not exploded.
I have since managed to salvage a lot of the wreckage which despite being burning for about ten minutes was really only cosmetic with the throttle cable and all the dodgy electrics that needed replacing.
Luke had to go with his mother Acid Tongue at 2pm today so it was a quick rush to get him cleaned up and dropped off in time.
I was none too pleased about her taking Luke to see his granddad when she knew it was my time to see him but now I was hoping that Luke would keep quiet about the incident since she would knowing her use it against me.
Feeling very much like a strong drink to calm myself down after all the disastrous day I was having I decided to log on to AA molly’s website where I found the headlines…
“Sneaky Mick is sat at meetings writing down peoples shares”
“WE MUST BE ANONYMUS – so no one will ever find out how we were cured”
“WHAT YOU SEE HERE, WHAT YOU HEAR HERE, LET IT STAY HERE” – and never learn anything???
What a day.
Luke was due back at 5pm so I decided to take my niece Miss Squeaky and her friend up town to buy some Christmas presents and to pick up a new throttle, a fuel pipe a new HT lead and to get me away from any further temptation – rule #2 in times of stress keep yourself busy.
By 6pm I had managed to get the bikes electrics back working and the throttle had a bodged MZ cable on it all bought from a motorcycle breakers for a few quid and I thought it would have been closed down a long time ago but I was pleasantly surprised that my old friend was still in business.
But Luke was not back from his mum’s illegal excursion.
So though I had enjoyed myself tinkering with the beast, brought me back to the old days when I would spend hours just tinkering – I was going on one of those mad heads, pacing the garage calling Acid tongue all the names under the sun.
I then went inside to shout at my aging parents and my niece about phoning the police, getting in touch with my solicitor or getting a gang of lads together to go to her house and “sort it out once and for all”
When I get like this there is no calming me, only alcohol would switch off that crazy brain of mine and it is the closest I have come to getting a drink for 111 days.
I paced round my bedroom where this computer resides and thought about writing a really nasty reply to what everyone was saying, they were all just trying to pull me back down and Acid Tongue was deviously planning to deny me access once again knowing perfectly well I could not afford another stint with the solicitors.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THIS – if I want a drink go have one…
I wrote some reply on the website and then got in the car and went to my AA meeting at Dewsbury expecting everyone there to be ready to throw me out of the AA for breaking there anonyminity.
On the way I picked Fearless er Frank… up (am I allowed to say who I picked up?) and er someone else and went to my meeting when I got there everyone was fine with me and for the first time I sat and listened without trying to carefully log everything in my notebook.
God it made a really refreshing change, at this time Miss Squeaky had sent a message that Luke had been delivered back safely if 2 ½ hours late…
All my anger began to melt away at this point and everyone was sharing quite happily and oblivious to the danger their anonyminity was in.
But whoever made these principles, which we live by, are clearly much wiser than me and I will not write anything else down what people are saying anymore even though they are disguised behind derogatory names.
I suppose I am trying re inflate my ego as fast as the AA is deflating it and I am sorry for any offence I have caused anyone, I will use my meetings as medicine and concentrate on getting myself well.
I did share again, it was some five minutes before the end and I told them all about it being 16 weeks tomorrow when I first stumbled through the door and that I was still a lunatic but at least a sober lunatic.
I also told them all about the motorbike setting on fire and this caused a considerable amount of laughter and I went away with the desire for a drink completely forgotten to go home and see my son and say my prayers.
Thank You God for the AA and I am sorry for any damage I have done with my ego-fuelled thinking.
Luke said last night when I told him about staying in the middle of the boat that he is staying on the shore!
Has anyone any good ideas how to manage the Christmas card situation and the AA, no matter what you do it has no perfect solution, indeed like life itself there is only compromise.
My first idea was the conventional approach, simply write out a load of cards with the AA members names in them but being a little confused about there names just recently I found myself putting the wrong names in them.
You must understand that this never was a problem at any point in my past because I simply had no friends left to send cards to and Christmas was simply the chance for me to blend in with all the amateur alcoholics.
So anyway off I went to a meeting with a pocket full of Christmas cards and it was guaranteed when I got there that of the people who I thought would turn up and had carefully written out cards for didn’t and maybe a dozen or so people who I hadn’t written out cards for did.
So I was now presented with the problem of how to distribute the cards to the people who I had written out cards for without offending those who had uncharacteristically turned up at a meeting that they didn’t usually attend.
So I sneakily would hang around near the toilets of the venue waiting for people to visit the loo and hand them a card secretly, but this was beginning to give me a bad name (not that it could get much worse but that’s another story).
Also people who I thought didn’t like me one bit probably due to the fact that they had never talked to me and I had not written a Christmas card for would suddenly spring a surprise and hand me a card.
I would then be consumed by guilt and having to plan my next meeting so that I could give them a card back and as you all know second guessing when someone will attend a particular meeting is thwart with uncertainty.
However I know from my own alcoholic head that if you give someone a card and they don’t return you one that it can cause you an enormous amount of resentment against that person which can in extreme circumstances spiral out of control and lead one to drink again, especially around Christmas.
At my next meeting I adopted another strategy after confiding in another AA member about the problem I simply wrote “Happy Christmas, From Michael” on a load and on the front of the envelope wrote simply “Happy Christmas”.
I mean you cannot even write “Merry Christmas” since the word “Merry” has drinking connotations and could cause the recipient to think that you are wishing them to slip over the yuletide period.
Now if anyone handed me a card I could simply hand him or her one straight back, great I thought I have got this all sussed now.
Now two things occurred, someone handed me a card with “Happy Christmas Michael, and lots of luck in your new found sobriety for 2005 best wishes [CENSORED]” to which I promptly handed her one back which was I thought an impersonal “from Michael” one.
But that night when I opened the card and read that it was addressed to me and the one I had sent her failed to mention her name caused me to go on yet another guilt trip and try as I might I could not sleep until I had wrote out a proper card and luckily handed it to her at the next days meeting which coincided with mine.
She promptly replied “But Mick you have already given me a card”
Her friend then said without knowing I was in hearing distance of the conversation “Micks given you two cards he must be thinking a bit about you because I only received one from him and it didn’t even have my name in it”.
To normal people these problems don’t seem to occur but with us alkies and our strange minds these small problems can be blown out of all proportions.
Also by this time it had got so complicated that I decided create an Excel Spreadsheet of the names of people that I thought I had given cards to and since this was created after the event I wasn’t quite sure who they were.
This also solved a second problem since in my nightly reports I was using “pseudonyms” or nicknames to protect the anoniminity of the people I was writing about and this spreadsheet could also double up as a register for these names.
I also had another idea well, my niece Squeaky suggested it, so I let her write out the next batch of Christmas cards and when I gave them out at the next meeting I wondered why I was receiving strange looks from the recipients.
On my way home from the meeting I received a text from one of my AA friends and it simply read, “Who’s Yoda”.
Then the awful truth dawned on me, Squeaky had put the wrong names in the cards, she had assumed the first name on the list was to go on the envelope and the second one was to go in the card.
Luckily I had started writing my cards out early in the build up to Christmas giving me plenty of time to make sure everybody had one and I have now found a third way of doing the cards which was suggested to me by my sponsor.
Simply take a load of empty cards with you to a meeting and write them out to people while you are there, then you only have to write cards for people who are there and you don’t waste cards with people who you might not see.
However this has the disadvantage that you look a right silly sod writing them out at meetings and also they don’t look nearly so well thought out with the recipients sat watching you do it.
Anyway, there seems to be no solution to this problem, there is still according to my records one person who has given me a card and I have not returned it and guess what I saw him tonight but I had forgotten to bring my cards with me.
Life was so much simpler when I had only one friend and that was alcohol and they keep telling me to keep it simple but then again life is a lot more fun now a days just to be part of something.
Like I keep saying I have a lot to learn yet but if anyone knows of the solution to the Christmas card problem will they let me know.
member of AA molly’s web forum with the following;
From Oscar Charlie
Hi Mick
I'm certainly glad I don’t go to your home group! How do they feel about your writing about them on the Internet? Disguised in part by some fairly derogatory nicknames. Hasn't anyone told you about how important anonymity is the fellowship. Seems to me that you might be on some sort of ego trip here. Do you think that these people are going to be able to share openly if they think that you are going to be publishing your comments for the world later that night?
This gave a lot of responses back by people who was enjoying the maybe revealing posts
From Greg
Oscar? In defence of Mick I think you are a little over protective of AA group members. Mick has provided many people on this forum with an honest insight to his own life. He probably has not actually offended anyone by using pseudo names. OK AA is anonymous and the people on this forum respect that. This is Mick's way of sharing with others his own difficulty in sobriety and to make light of events seems a good idea to me. More people in this forum should have a sense of humour to share, AA doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Hope this hasn't offended you Oscar, it's just another way of looking at it. Greg.
From Derek
Hi Mick,
Your editorials make great reading and certainly put a fun side on recovery if not taken too seriously.
I personally however would not like to wander into this Forum or indeed your Website and read some of your attributes to my sharing at meetings even if humorously concealed under stage names.
Many members are critical of the personalities in AA and many against the principles of anonymity share these with other AA members outside the rooms.
We must however accept that these criticisms are often through inexperience, envy or simply a way of concealed our own reluctance to deal with our own problems.
You have a great gift of perception of others, I just wonder if you would benefit from turning the camera on yourself once in a while and share not only what you see but also what you are doing about it.
The point admittedly harshly shared over anonymity, is absolutely correct but easily compromised as there are no rules in AA until you break them. It is absolutely essential for some members. I have seen several return to drink through laxity of this principle.
So Mick, try not read these responses as criticisms but as helpful guidelines from those who have made the same mistakes.
Hello Mick (But it's also a hello to some of the people who have responded to your original message.)
I'm a relative newbie on here, but Mick and his messages have been partly responsible for my sanity in these last four weeks or so. His sense of humour mainly. Sometimes a tad off the planet. But humour nonetheless. And he's being criticized? Because? He chooses to give humour where there ISN'T any. Being an alcoholic is not humorous. I see nothing funny in being an alcoholic. But Mick - even if off the wall sometimes - IS funny.
And, by the way, don't we all deal with our situations in our own unique way?
Let's get real here.
We are all dealing with a killer situation. Whatever works is good. Please don't criticize someone who actually puts pen to paper (or fingers on the keyboard, as the case may be).
Beggars the question... those who point a finger... where where they when I... and others in the last four weeks or so... needed them?
I don't recall seeing certain names before!
Just remember, it's easy to criticize... even if you are so saintly now... you were a newbie once!
Keep smiling
Eva
Which once again rattled the dreaded Oscar Charlies cage again with…
Hello Eva
I think you are missing the point here. No one is criticising Mick for his use of humour. We would be a sorry bunch without it. There are however certain obligations which we undertake when we attend AA meetings. These are not "nanny" rules, the Fellowship of AA is founded on the principal of Anonymity and we all have an obligation to respect this. Not for our own benefit but for the benefit of the still suffering alcoholic seeking help.
I am afraid that "Whatever works is good" does not apply to reporting, however obscurely, about what goes on at closed AA meetings.
Surely you can see that. Would you have gone to your first meeting if you thought someone there would be poking fun at you and your share on the Internet that night - I think not. The problem with what Mick is doing is that someday his website could be published - it would certainly make a good book - and as he does not feel that what he is doing is against the principles of the Fellowship, presumably he would be happy to go into print.
You then have to imagine the effect that that may have on people contemplating help from the fellowship in the future.
We all have a responsibility to preserve and protect the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous so that it will be there for future generations as it was for us, in my case 18 years ago.
I then felt a duty to respond at this point with…
Eva,
Thanks for all that.
I have only been in the AA for 16 weeks but it has been the best move I have made in my life so far.
I suppose those wise people who have been in the AA a long time know what works for them and after all it is a selfish program.
It also says in step 12 that we must spread the message to other alcoholics however when they go home from a meeting they must have there brains wiped so that they cant remember what anyone has said.
I know they could all go disguised, like wear masks and change there names or get one of those things from Men In Black and zap newcomers as they go out of the door.
Only joking, but then again many a true word said in jest.
I suppose when it comes down to it we are all in this together but a little humour does hep a bit for some of us anyway after all at the end of our lives we all die don’t we?
Then Eva came back with the following…
Hello Oscar Charlie - the phonetic alphabet is very police/armed forces inspired... no matter - I won't hold that against you...
I'm not missing a point at all. You are! Because if you were that bothered you'd have read the rest of the posts on here. And you would know by now that I've never been to an AA meeting in my life. Being an alcoholic doesn't mean that it's a requirement. I read every post on here whether it's addressed to me or not. Not because I'm nosy, but because every post is an encouragement for me to continue being sober.
You know what, it really beggars the question... do you only come out of the cupboard to criticize? Yes, you can be proud of being drink free for 18 years... but I don't think you can be proud of criticizing someone like Mick. In fact I think you need to take a reality check. Perhaps being such an old timer has made you lose the plot.
Mick - has his own problems. So do I. And so does everyone else on here. You, Oscar Charlie, only responded to criticize. Be a friend instead. Don't just write a post to hurt somebody. We are all hurting in our own various ways. Just be glad that you are not in my skin - not sure even you would have lasted 18 years.
But this isn't about me. This is about unwarranted criticism about someone who has greatly encouraged people who log on to this site to stay sober. Well-done Mick. You are a definite encouragement.
Oscar Charlie... h'mm. Perhaps you should stop sitting on your 18-year pedestal and maybe help people on here to achieve sobriety... less criticism... and maybe a tad more positive help would be good. I'm sure that you are a good man, but don't sit on your laurels... us newbies need help and encouragement...
As for the AA...
One of these days I will... maybe attend a meeting (when I'm ready to do so) but if one of my fellow attendees chooses to write something about me, so be it. If it makes one person stop drinking... it's an achievement. I won't personally knock it.
Anonymity is good. I'm all for it. Mick has never revealed anyone's real name or identity. Be pleased for him, eh? He's not only doing good. But he's also someone who helps others on here.
Oscar Charlie... I hope to see your name a tad more, especially if you are boosting the morale of us newbies...
Keep smiling everyone
Eva
I then tried to divert attention away with my post on Christmas Cards
Which resulted in the following from Derek
Hi Mick,
You really are filling your head with unnecessary junk mail. AA says "keep it simple”. Difficult, I know as we all get in to manic mode time to time.
The purpose of giving Christmas cards is "just that" "giving".
Don’t worry about the wording or the names if the recipient is concerned about your wording they can destroy it.
Anonymity however is more about protecting the visitor or AA member from challenges at work, home or personal life.
Newcomers are often very sensitive ...but often use this as a reason not to go.
Others like Magistrates, Doctors, Policemen, Ministers of the faith and Government are naturally sensitive.
I have seen people go back to drink over compromising anonymity have seen people lose their jobs and often sensitivities at home can be a problem.
So it is all our responsibility to be sensitive to each others needs and if you don’t know, assume and apply the maximum interpretation of this very important AA tradition.
In your case and at your stage of recovery I don’t think that anyone would expect you to send Christmas cards let alone be resentful about the wording af Happy Christmas or Merry Christmas. After all you can have a Merry Christmas without the booze.
As for others on this Forum airing views on AA and anonymity they really should try AA before passing judgement . If they were to attend AA they should observe the rules as would membership of any organisation require.
In addition any challenging, labelling or other derogatory comments aimed at those of several years in sobriety should be postponed until a reasonable qualification of experience is achieved.
As I have said before all AA members young or old in sobriety are sick people supporting each other to get better.
I don’t always agree with my Doctor or my mother for that matter but I dont attack them for stuck in the mud advice. I respect them for what they have achieved and if I want what they have I must reflect their suggestions in the way that I live my life.
The best suggestion AA made to me early in recovery was " take the cotton wool out of your ears and put it in your mouth"
Now that’s a tough one to take from an old soldier of AA and boy did I build a bucket full of resentments.
But again he was confronting the illness not the person.
Eventually that person became my sponsor.
If you don’t respect AA and its principles you will eventually stray from AA and that usually leads back to the bottle. For people who haven’t got there yet, it is essential to go with the right frame of mind.
Look for the similarities and not the differences. If what you hear is not right for you....it could be one day.
Derek
And so the soap opera continues, now its my turn again
I do know I have a lot to learn, the AA has really been a lifeline to me and I really do listen at meetings but just because I am a newcomer doesn’t mean I cannot have an opinion.
When I look around where I live there are thousands of people suffering because the "message" has not reached them yet, they get up and go to the off-license drink all day, they have no jobs and no hope.
If you mention to them they need help and by some miracle they make it to an AA meeting there chances of sticking with it are extremely remote, its just as if the AA is a secret society.
It saddens me that every Friday I go to the meeting and there are maybe 10 people there and many of these are the same ones who come week in week out.
As people become further into the AA they seem to become more removed from helping the newcomer and more about politics and rules.
In the big book it mentions taking people into their houses and actively searching the streets for people to help, how many long timers really do that?
I have been told when I am counting the days of sobriety by old timers that it doesn’t matter how long you have been sober its spreading the message that counts.
When I started in the AA I told everyone I work with, all my family and friends knew, why is it something we should all feel so ashamed about?
I have heard about people coming into the AA and trying to change the world and feeling really embarrassed further down the road when they realise they were simply reinventing the wheel.
All I am doing really is writing my diary on line like I have done for years, and yes in the past people have had problems with it, I got made redundant at my previous job and have had HR on to me in my current one.
I have been beaten up by people who didn’t like what I said, had my house robbed and that was before I even came into the AA.
At least I now say things with a sober mind and I suppose the act of writing is sort of like self discovery, I know now not to discuss what occurs at meetings and that I wont do any longer.
People around where I live considered me to be the village idiot, now they are looking at me seeing me get well and knowing I attend an AA meeting daily.
I know deep inside myself that parts of me are in a process of transition, and it is a dangerous time for me, I can be up one minute and down the next but I keep praying and I am trying to give my will over to god.
Its a bit like my personality is cast in stone and slowly bit by bit I am chipping away the defects of character but at the same time I need to make my life feel fun and have a good time on the journey.
Surely its the journey that counts and not the destination because as soon as you think you have arrived you stop learning and I will never arrive and am always learning.
I know I keep telling people about a force similar to that from Star Wars guides our lives, and its very roots lies in the complex theories of Quantum Mechanics which are linked to consciousness.
When you feel hatred and anger they consume you and lead people who also feel similar feelings to be drawn to you resulting in more hatred and a spiral downwards into an abyss
Opposed to this is the positive feelings, I mean don’t get me wrong I love Oscar and send this out to him, I also pray every night for good things but I never say any more "I want" i just say "Please let me do thy bidding" and here I am again sat at this keyboard writing this.
That’s where I am a bit confused at times, all the stuff about Christmas cards was well just stuff that goes through my strange head when I become too involved with the real world
Finally Derek Responded with
Hi Mick,
You are sounding pretty sound at the moment and that’s good to hear.
The AA Big Book was written when few groups were available to the suffering alcohol. Communication was slow and unsophisticated and most alcoholics were considered by the medical profession to be insane or possessed. I also believe that the Religious bent came from the Quaker religion of the time.
Today there are several meetings in each Town and most Countries including those of Muslim and Hindu faith.
So whilst the Big book is a great reference for those seeking and strengthening their sobriety it should be understood that it has traditions that can challenge modern thinking in particular female drinking, binge drinking I guess and certainly drug abuse.
Why does the same core of regulars at your meeting sadden you?
They are not the ones in the park with cans of cider or strong brew!!!
They are the winners who, supported by their attendance are sober today.
They are the ones who are qualified to offer their experience, strength and hope with a newcomer.
Most alcoholics who are some days away from their last drink don’t want to lose touch with the heartache, horror of those years of hell. Remembering the horror helps stay sober.
You see its not how many days sober you should be aware of but the date of your last drink and what it did to you.
Most search out and reach out to newcomers in order to refresh their awareness of that horror to strengthen their resolve should it be challenged.
The one that benefits most in reaching out to a newcomer is the person reaching out.
It is so easy ( as I did) at my first AA meetings) to categorise the oldies into, religious nuts, old farts repeating thier story week after week, never drunk like I did, must be lonely etc. etc.
This is not identifying, it is challenging what is available for your recovery.
And of the course the result was that I strayed away back to the pub where tooing and frowing with the same attitude of "I don't qualify cos I'm not the same as these people" kept me drinking for over 10 more years.
You are obviously looking for sobriety, but do you want to hear the truth.
Sure I understand the boredom of listening to the same drone week after week ,,,so why not try other meetings.???
Note I "other" not instead of.
Also handing your life over to your higher power is great stuff.
I fought this one also for many years.
Eventually I came to believe that God was with me all the time, in fact from birth. Eventually when I accepted that fact, he came into my life with a bang.
Thing is I have to do it Gods way, which means, (I seek his guidance and act on it). Simply handing over the responsibility is not enough.
Have a good Christmas and hope you find some good meetings and the right answers for you.
So there it ends, and all in all I can no longer write about people in AA meetings or I will return to drink, So I must obey the principle of anonymity and try to keep my diary about myself.
Left, The Calder and Hebble navigation where I spend many an evening walking my dog Miss Boley, this is also the stretch of water where me and Luke enjoyed ourselves in the summer with our little dinghy.
In the distance the bridge spanning the valley is the M62 between Leeds and Manchester, this particular part is just after junction 25 on the way to Manchester.
In the woods on the left of the waterway is "Witches Wood" which is supposed to be heaving with supernatural entities. I do confess to having seen Magic Pixies wondering about when I was smoking some illegal substance and drinking super skol.
Luke and Squeaky enjoying themselves climbing a tree in witches wood just before we all got scared because we though "Hamster-Spring-A-Leak" was coming.
The wood has a strange air of uncertainty about it but Luke and Squeaky have visited there since they were very young and are not so easily frightened now a days.
At one time I would visit this woods every night after work with my smoke and a bag full of beers and de-stress myself away from everything, in a funny way I miss them days.
Now I know I have to start and join in with life, live life on lifes terms and not constantly try and escape from reality.
It is "Christmas Eve' Eve" today and I am some 116 days sober and everyone at work are enjoying themselves by going on the works meal while I am in some 5 minutes or so going to my meeting at Holmfirth.
I am still on step 6 of the AA program and in some ways I feel I am a defect looking for a character.
So what will 2005 bring me, my first year sober, of course god being willing one day at a time, where will I be one year from now?
Leaving alcohol behind me has not been easy and every so often out of the blue I crave those days when I could leave this hectic world and become possessed by alcoholic spirits (the pun intended)
Luke and Squeaky have been very loyal companions and Luke has said to me that he much prefers a sober daddy because he buys him more things and has more money.
Its great to know that a force is with me guiding me from another quantum dimension where my Guardian Angel Dripping tap looks after me.
The holiday at Skipsea is now a distant memory, it was a point in my life when I realised the road I was on and where it was going.
Today life is more middle of the road where once I had tottally unpredictable mood swings I just feel contented and the very thought of drinking again or indeed taking any other mind altering substance fills me with terror.
On the right is my dog Mrs Boley walking up the field from where I call my "God Place" where I pray every night for another sober day.
I truly believe in a life after death and that if we cannot combat our addictions and desires in this life then we will be left with them still in the next but without any means of satisfying them.
I believe an alcoholic is someone who is continually haunted by deceased alcoholics of the past, hungry ghosts ready to take over our minds when we give into that temptation that follows us around like a dark cloud.
There is no conventional explanation for alcoholism but there is I believe a spiritual one and hence the only solution is spiritual.
Going to AA meetings I have learn to open my mind to a spiritual dimension and learnt gradually to share my worst fears and nightmares with fellow sufferers who kindly let me into their fellowship.
Nobody ever said it would be easy but what things in life that are worth doing are easy?
At one time I could see the birds flying around me but I could never hear there song, I could hear the individual notes but never the syphony.
Now I find myself as 2004 draws to a close on the precipice of an whole new way of living, you are encouraged to project good thoughts to even people who hate you since resentment, envy and anger are dark thoughts that inevitably lead to the bottle.
Just putting a cork in the bottle is not enough but just the start of the long journey that never ends since when you feel you have reached a destination you stop learning and when you stop learning you die.
On this planet, we are all simply spiritual beings having a human experience, if we were all perfect there would be little point in us being here since our little planet is a school in the vast Universe.
Above is my place where I spend a lot of time meditating about the meaning of life, in the left hand corner of the picture is Pearly Spenser, a pylon which I used to spend hours having a one way conversation with not so long ago.
Christmas Taxi Service
(Day 118)
Christmas Day 2004
Word as got round where I live that Mad Mick is sober and has a car and its Christmas Day.
What with no buses and really expensive taxis why not phone Mick who is doing to others as he would like done to himself and yes that means free taxi service.
So I have following my spiritual path for one day only started a non profit making, well almost a charity called "Friendship Taxis" and to the right of this text you can see the catchphrase I have put on my car door
It’s finally Christmas then and after 118 days of sobriety which would of seemed an impossibility if viewed in its entirety.
My mum and dad sent me a card with some money in it and the following message enclosed “Well done in the Battle of the booze, we are proud of you. We did not want to buy a surprise present, so here is some money – best wishes”.
My mobile phone has been working overtime all morning receiving and sending messages to all my AA friends and just to think this time last year I was sat on my own in the woods with my dog who was getting fed up of my constant drunk state.
As I sit here I am listening to “Angels” by Robbie Williams which just about sums up my feelings at the moment, 2004 has been the year when I have opened my mind and my soul to a spiritual journey into a vast unknown.
Last night I had a really enjoyable meeting at Huddersfield and there was loads of people there, I thought hardly anyone would turn up with it been Christmas.
Do you know I really felt that sense of belonging and feeling safe, The Reflection said he had discovered my website and had been reading it and constantly kept calling me “Mad Mick”, he added that he did not feel any way inhibited at having a reporter in the fellowship.
The Shop Assistant gave me a big hug and I had to complain that my feelings and emotions had not fully returned yet only being nearly four months sober and so could I still be excused for acting like a robot.
I told The Wise One who has been sober for 28 years that everyone at work had all known all along that I used to spend my dinnertimes sat in the quarry drinking cans of super-strength even though I thought I kept it a secret.
This all came to light when everyone was assembled in my office for the Christmas Draw where much to everyone’s amusement I managed to find my name been drawn out for a bottle of wine which I obviously refused to accept.
The Wise One said when we are alcoholics we are usually the last one to find out and he can remember when he was going to write a letter of complaint to Boddingtons saying that the chemicals that they put in his Bitter was killing him.
Anyway there will be a lot of disembodied entities this year who in a previous life were alcoholics who have not going to have a very good Christmas this year without there host to possess, I suppose they will have to move on to some other poor soul who hasn’t got the message yet.
The Future Rugby Player and Feargal have gone to see there respective mums for Christmas so my Taxi services have not been called on as much by people in the AA but all my old friends seem to be coming out of the woodwork now realising that now I am sober I am at least some use for something in their chaotic lives.
I must admit at this point I feel a bit empty, its 20 past 2 on Christmas afternoon and everyone everywhere seem to be enjoying themselves, but I feel a bit out of place and of course I have not been invited anywhere because I am not part of the gang anymore.
Just completed my taxi errand for Cavegirl who had come to surprise Fubu man with her presence, its hard to keep tack of all these relationships but Fubu man didn’t seem very enthusiastic to see her when I dropped her off at his mums.
On the telly there was Michael Crawford who has just finished been airlifted from a church roof somewhere after playing angel Gabriel and someone put too many bags of sand on his lifting thingy and he disappeared through the church roof.
So this is what Christmas is all about, its really hard for me to remember one that I can remember, it has in the past been the opportunity for me to be camouflaged amongst all the amateurs.
My mum is slaving away downstairs making the Christmas Dinner and Squeaky has phoned up to say she wants picking up at half past six, and throughout all this I am sober and don’t even have the desire for a drink.
The “Life After Death” book says that the spirit world could be thought of as situated where the internet is for a analogy and that he does not believe in reincarnation, he also says that time does not exist there and dismisses the idea that other mediums have suggested that the spirit world is three feet above ours.
I do strongly agree with his idea of it being a world of thought, where you think your surroundings but to imagine a world with no time in it has me really perplexed.
The reason why I am reading this book by Robert Brown is to gain an insight into an experience that happened to me in July 1990 which I have never quite understood but is now termed as a “near death experience”, the actual experience is covered in my archives Life After Death.
I think with the opening of my spiritual mind this unexplained discontinuity in my past has been reawakened.
Going to Dewsbury tonight after I pick my son Luke up and then after that to Midnight Mass, I think at Holmfirth with my mother, one of my AA buddies said that if you carry on too far down the spiritual road you end up being a Jehovah Witness, well at least that is what happened to some other AA people from the past.
I suppose if you take on board too much of this afterlife thing you end up loosing touch with the real world but it is entertaining to read about none the less and I must admit keeping an open mind has never been so much fun.
A lot of people in the AA have told me that alcoholics are “chosen people”, in that normal people can get away without having to use all these spiritual tools but us alkies cant afford to do that otherwise we drink and ultimately die.
So this is where I am in my program and I was shocked to read on Mollys web site that someone had been sober for ten years and drunk again, it just shows that you are never cured from this awful disease but just get a daily reprieve subject to you following the twelve steps and continually gaining insights and correcting your defects.
Anyway that’s enough from me today and I wish you all a very happy Christmas (note the omission of the word “merry”)
At my meeting on Christmas day I heard an excellent share about this guy who was rowing his boat across the river of life, through all his young years this guy had no problem rowing and the boat had many close encounters.
It was nearly capsized twice but this man trusting his invisible navigator continued rowing regardless.
As he got older and wiser his boat carried on to its predetermined destinations, which had been written in his karma long before he was born, the places he was destined to see for the perfect spiritual advancement of his real self.
Then one day he decided that he would have a go and steer the boat and he asked God who was busy steering if he could have a go.
God who had given out free will and respected the man to make his own decisions said he had no problem with him steering but added that he did not row…
I suppose you can read allsorts into this little sermon, it has certainly remained stuck in my mind, if the guy was steering and God wasn’t willing to row then I think that the boat would stay where it was or if on a river continue downstream with the current.
It is a question we can all ask ourselves, who exactly is steering our boats, I think it is referring to Step 3 of the AA program about letting God be our masters and hand our will over to him but at the same time put in effort by doing the rowing.
Anyway I have had a good Christmas and Luke has been enjoying himself with his newly renovated motorcycle which actually seems to be working a lot better though it was absolutely freezing stood in the field watching him zoom round having alternate goes with my niece Squeaky
Also for Christmas Luke got one of those Spiderman hands that shoot out webs however he has now run out of the web aerosol which most of the stuff found itself all over his Granddad.
It has seemed much easier than I thought it would be to avoid alcohol, but then again at my parents house where I live neither my mum or dad drink and other than spending quality time with Luke and Squeaky and of course the AA meetings I have not been anywhere else where I could be tempted.
I never realised just how quiet Christmas was, when I drove to Midnight mass last night with Luke, Squeaky and my Mum, only a few taxi drivers shared the roads with me on route to Holmfirth.
When I arrived at the church it was in darkness so I went out into the cold and scraped the ice off the sign outside the venue only to learn that Midnight Mass was on Christmas Eve and not Christmas Day.
Just goes to show what I know about church services still we all enjoyed the drive there and back, something I certainly wouldn’t have been doing any Christmases in the past.
I also found out that Luke had been questioned by Acid Tongues control freak of a boyfriend about how many beers I had been hiding under my bed or if I had been drinking and driving over the past few weeks looking for an excuse to stop the Access visits and all Luke could do was honestly answer that I hadn’t had a drink.
Mr Humpy Lumpy allegedly said to Luke being a big drinker of QC sherry, that, in his experience no one could stop drinking like that after having such a problem in the past, little does he know about the power of AA.
Oh and don’t forget who is now steering my boat Mr Humpy Lumpy!
Hi Mick,
Another question is not simply "who's steering the boat?" (IMO I go with the one man philosophy: the guy who rows, steers) but also "who's pissing on you from the bridges?"
Story, true: my father used to row for his school as a young lad. They would take their coxed four canoe out on the Clyde in Glasgow where they could train. Sadly, the local yobs would spend their time pissing from the bridges above, attempting to hit the poor rowers below. So finally, they decided on a simple and elegant solution: they armed the cox with an air pistol. He aimed it at the c***s of the aspiring pissers. Result: problem solved.
Moral? Sometimes nothing exceeds like excess. There is a time to kick ass, and if that isn't in Psalm 21, it should be.
That period of time between Christmas and the New Year everything seems to go into some sort of hibernation, its as if the world shuts down for a week and although in the past I have spent most of it unconscious or getting unconscious now when sober it appears even more boring than ever.
Also I have been asked to Share at Brighouse on Friday and I hate being asked to do things in advance, probably like most of us it plays on my mind all week, luckily however most of the members of Brighouse meetings haven’t yet heard my story so at least I have got something to talk about.
Then I will have told all the meetings I regularly attend my own chaotic story before I became an AA fanatic and had to deal with all this suppressed anger which was incidentally the general topic of conversation at tonight’s AA meeting.
Yes the AA teaches you to let God be your master but how do you really deal with real life in this manner, can you really be expected to pray for people who in the analogy of boats constantly p*ss on you from bridges.
You then build up a lot of unreleased anger inside you, which either turns inward and manifests itself as depression or you release it occasionally and some poor person who is close to you for a seemingly minor thing.
With me it seems that the first option is the one that occurs and though I gave up antidepressants four months ago when I gave up drinking as was suggested by many members of the AA I now feel at least they would help me to assert myself more.
I have noticed quite a few times over these Christmas holidays without the usual routine to keep myself busy that I have had episodes of quite severe bouts of depression where I feel like an alien.
Last night I dreamt I was drinking again with an old friend the Gangster but in the dream everything felt really hopeless and this being looking a bit like Ben Kenobi after he had died in Star Wars was saying to me to join him in the world of spirit and I was drawn to him but looked back at all the friends I had known.
Then the dreamscape switched to that scene at the end of Watership Down where Hazel is being asked by Frith to come and join the rabbits in the sky and he turns round to see all the happy rabbits playing happily, “You needn’t worry about them, they’ll be alright”.
I think the fact that I had been reading that “Life After Death” book before I went to sleep could have prompted the dream into my subconscious but it was so vivid even now in my memory that is really unusual for dreams.
Luke really enjoyed himself yesterday on the little motorbike I had bought him and subsequently managed to blow up and then restored and we went down to a local bit of wasteland called echo beach before taking him back to his mums.
It was great to see him look so happy and ride it with such confidence well until the chain snapped and we had to push it the rest of the way back home.
Luke And Squeaky on "Christine", which is Lukes name for his new bike inspired by the Steven King novel of the same name.
It is a little too high geared for the fields though
Echo Beach at the back of the "Corn Mill" Pub on the A644 just after leaving the M62 at Junction 25.
I have spent a lot of time sat getting p*ssed and stoned to the sound of running water over this weir.
It is a favourite place for swimmers during the summer and the destination of Lukes ride on Christine the day after Boxing Day.
The steep incline just after the "black track" crosses the Calder & Hebble Navigation on route to Echo Beach.
This is a favourite spot used by many fisherman.
The bridge used to a favourite of mine to jump off after a few cans of lager before I became all sensible, still you have to grow up one day.
Luke and Miss Boley going under the Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway line, this railway used to be the main route between the two cities before the tunnels were built under the pennines at the end of the 19th century.
Luke however is not bothered about this fact but is enjoying himself on Christine and Miss Boley is doing what dogs do sniffing a piece of grass at the entrance to the bridge to get some indication of which other dogs have passed by during the day
Glad you are doing so well, My spirit Guide Dripping tap tells me I was destined to be an alcoholic before I was born, it was on the shopping list of spiritual lessons to be learned.
I think that book might be getting into my subconscious a little bit, anyway I have finished it now and I might order God, Physics and The Mind from the internet which claims to answer the fundamental question why we are here.
On New Years Eve I will be sharing at Brighouse and my sponsor says I have to "behave myself" and try to refrain from sharing about Jedi Masters, The Force or Quantum Mechanics, which no one understands except me.
He also said not to talk about "The Thermodynamics Of Black Holes" like I did at Dewsbury in November and left everyone scratching there head about what planet I came from.
Just try and see if this time you can keep things simple Michael, but the problem is when I start sharing I don’t know what might come out but this time I have enough time to prepare myself.
I have also been told that in January expect to be queuing at a lot of your favourite AA meetings since this is the time when we are overcome by newcomers desperate for our new way of life.
The young Lady sharing tonight who I call Miss Sensible didn’t used to be that way, when she first started coming to AA she would hide in the bushes and only come out when the meeting was about to begin and even then she would rush in with a towel on her head to avoid any paparazzi who had congregated outside.
Then she would find a little corner somewhere to hide and would sit there with a hood over her head shaking like a sh*ting dog and wonder why the rest of the members of the AA thought she was weird.
Now she brims with self-confidence after 5 years of AA brainwashing and as others noted the change in her was simply unbelievable she has gone from hating being with people to actively seeking people to be with.
There was only myself and The Messiah who was struggling with our first Christmas sober and we were promised that things would get better but Christmas was never a good time for any alcoholics we both said that we felt “flat” inside
The Messiah is Six months sober and also has a Physics degree so we have both related to the “big intellectual mountain that eclipses the light of God” as described in the Big Book, he has certainly been a good companion to have with me during my four calendar months sober.
The Messiah was overjoyed that new privileges were now awarded to him at Brighouse he is now eligible to take charge of the key, wash up and make the tea as well as set the meeting room up ready for everyone’s arrival and I think he was a little resentful of the fact he wasn’t chosen when volunteers were called for a new key master despite putting his hand up really high in the air and shouting “Me!” repeatedly.
In fact when he was sobbing later on over his coffee my sponsor SS had to put his hand round him and console him gently.
I had a really weird dream last night, I was at my brothers old house and I entered it and it was all empty, after I found my way through the mountain of mail that had been deposited the door suddenly slammed shut and thousands of tiny spiders started running out from under the skirting boards.
The next minute I was upstairs and there was only half a roof the other half was blue sky and plants were growing out of what remained of the bathroom, the floor had huge hole in it and I had my digital camera with me…
I have spent all afternoon trying to lower the gearing of Luke’s bike, the bike came supplied with a spare engine which had a larger sprocket on the drive shaft which I thought would lower the gearing making it better on the fields.
After spending maybe 1 hour changing over the sprockets I realised the bike now has even higher gearing than it had before since one revolution of the drive shaft now equates to even further movement of the back-wheel.
So tomorrow I am going to relieve the boredom of the dead-week by trying to find a motorcycle breakers which has a large back sprocket to over compensate for my error – do you know I am really starting to enjoy myself again tinkering in the garage with this bike.
So that’s where I am at the moment with 122 days of sobriety.
A scene from my dream last night kindly recorded on my digital camera by my spirit guide "Dripping Tap" showing my subconsious image of my brothers bathroom.
I have no other explanation of where this picture came from I dreamt I had my digital camera with me and when I woke up it was in my hand in bed with this picture in the memory.
The picture is exactly as I remember it in my dream.
I think it must be as a result of practising the exercises in the book I have just finished called "Life After Death".
When we dream it is more real than when we are awake!?
The Forgotten track where I went for a walk to yesterday.
Just been on a breathtaking walk near where I live with my friendly canine Miss Boley, we followed the Bradley Branch Line down to where the railway joints the Calder Valley Main line then up the steep embankment and through a hole in the perimeter fence into the Chemical dump for Zeneca.
The sun is shining and the world feels at peace and more importantly I feel really serene, I walked on to the “forgotten track” towards the huge M62 bridge which spans the Railway, Canal and River and managed to lift Miss Boley over a gate at the other side before walking along a small overgrown track which runs between the tip and the motorway.
Finally I returned back over Bradley Golf course, its amazing how such little things as a walk like that we take for granted
My Sponsor said I really blew em away last night with my share, I thought it was a bit boring because I could only talk about my past experiences of drinking, anyway it’s the first day of 2005 today and I am 125 days sober.
Just been in the woods with Luke and Squeaky on Christine, the motorbike and for once it performed faultlessly, one of my mums bingo buddies came through the woods wobbling about a bit with her 8 year old dog called Sandy.
After Miss Boley had a go at humping Sandy June told us with slightly slurred words that she thought dogs got a bit confused at times and she was looking for one of her garden gnomes which had run off during the night.
For me personally it was great to sit there on the tree stump completely sober and with a clear head and feeling like my batteries had been recharged with last nights share while all these poor people were walking around in a daze.
Last night I started the share with an excuse for not participating in a lot of meetings saying I was acting on the advise given to me when I first came to AA “take the cotton wool out of year ears and put it in your mouth”.
I then went on to say there was a George coming through who is showing me his left hand and has part of his index finger missing, he was with a Labrador, did anyone know a George? I was then met with a load of blank looks.
My Sponsor who was sat at the side of me then gave me a nudge, “You have been reading that life after death book again, I have told you what happens to people who take spirituality too far, you are not a medium and this is a AA meeting…”
Everyone in the small audience still looked at us both with serious faces, so I went on to tell a story of total doom and gloom and tried to look as depressed as possible throughout.
I included the part about when Luke who was three months premature when born came home that I would squeeze his baby bottle so that I could get him fed quicker and could get on drinking my cider.
Also when I first split with Acid Tongue I would spend every night celebrating my new found freedom at friends houses drinking and smoking wacky baccy till I fell asleep and pissed in there chair.
While I had been asleep I usually had something written on my face such as “I am a c*nt” and with the munchies from the smoke would end up in a queue at our local chippy on the way home wondering why everyone was giving me strange looks.
How after I was made redundant from Sellers and was attending interviews I would always have a couple of cans somewhere and would then give the interviewers stupid answers such as “And Michael finally where do you see yourself in five years time?”
I don’t know probably dead, needless to say I wasn’t very successful.
I told all the sad looking faces how I had eventually obtained a job at Hogwarts and was well acquainted with Harry Potter and his chums and on several occasions got stopped by the police for being drunk in charge of a broom.
The drinking had escalated to such an extent that my typical working day was, awake 4am turn pissed mattress over, drink can left over from night before, get up 645am retch in toilet till 715, get in car, stagger into work, keep low profile till dinner when I would go to off-licence and get another super strength.
This would keep me going till teatime, eat tea, throw up, go to see Mrs Patell who I was her favourite customer, buy 8 cans of skol super, “take dog for walk” drink three cans in woods and a couple of reefers.
Come home watch TV and drink till passed out then repeat until weekend when typical consumption could double but at least I had my 8 year old son to look after me.
Still a load of blank looks stared back, devoid of any emotion but at least they seemed to be listening, one lady in the corner was gently sobbing to herself with her hanky poised in her right hand.
Then I got pressured by the works psychiatrist into joining this cult, which initially seemed a little like Amway (I don’t know if anyone’s heard of Amway) only no one seemed to be in charge and no one really gave a monkeys whether you left or not.
There were Steps, Jedi Masters (Sponsors) and a mysterious energy field that surrounds all living things that I choose to label “The Force” in analogy with Star Wars.
My Sponsor (JM SS) was now looking at me “Okay God” I said a little reluctantly but didn’t the big book say we could choose our own higher power and if I wanted it to be something different I could.
So far, I continued, I have attended 125 meetings in 124 days and have not touched a drop of alcohol and I have worked my way up the steps to step 6 which I am waiting for my sponsor to finish decorating his bedroom so that I could continue.
I have opened my mind to God and although initially somewhat embarrassed at first started praying and its really working and bit-by-bit I have the added bonus of gradually changing.
Whereas with the past “cults” I have joined I have usually wound up skint with a load of useless washing powder and cleaning agents to show for my efforts with the AA I have nothing but praise and at the same time saved loads of money.
I finished with acknowledging the fact that I was now a gherkin and no matter what I did in the future I would never again be a cucumber, but with my daily dose of AA I could accept that I was a gherkin and let God do all the steering.
The feedback was very positive, I think most of the meeting comprised of old timers but they acknowledged that it was good to be reminded of the damage that drink does to the mind.
I am not allowed to say what anybody said, but someone did tell me a good AA joke after the meeting had concluded and we had all done our holding hands session.
I have just been to this bloke’s funeral today, it was too much alcohol that had killed him, “Why didn’t he go to the AA?” enquired the third person… Oh he wasn’t that bad.
I genuinely have felt really good today as a result of my share, sometimes I think the AA’s effects are so subtle anyway its Dewsbury tonight for the first meeting of 2005 and I think deep down inside me that this will really be my year when I will show the fruits of all my labour
Happy New Year to everyone on this site and May the force be with you all in 2005.
