After a very strange night were I was visited by many demons because I had no money to fill my thirst for alcohol but I did enjoy the hallucinations, I arrived at the Yorkshire Bank Cash Machine and some
silly person was washing the Windows above the cash dispensors. .
I for some strange reason approached at the same time Tommy Noon arrived there and interestingly enough Adele owes him a tenner, which I gave him after withdrawing my cash, now this made the first coincidence of the day, Oh Sh** Its Thursday 11th May 2000.
"Steady On There Mate" Shouts Mr Noon when he has to use my terminal because his won't work, I laugh to myself as I pedal off, because when I told him about the water dropping on me he had said it
didn't matter. ' \
I am down in Sellers dungeons again this week, On Growler the saw, seriously if you had to do this
tIIIllhll the time you would be bored sh*tless, anyway at least Oliver Cromwell is back from Ireland to cheer everybody up.
I ask him ifhe met Tony Blair while he was out there to inspect the IRA weapons dumps but he said he wasn't in Belfast he was somewhere else.
I was feeling a bit bored sat in the Progress Bogs when I got a text message on my mobile from ... Queen Amidala! excitedly I went to look at its contents ... ''Mick can you lend me ajiver till Tuesday" .. I hurriedly typed back "Yes as long as you are not buying beer, Tom loves you, you now owe me £5.10 with the added cost of this message ... Mad Mick"
They are great fun are mobile phones I excitedly have a rub of it and get back on to boring grumpy. Growler, the saw.
Doctor Dylan has just been down here to tell me all about committing suicide he says, like I need to hear it. ..
Doctor Dylan About Suicide ...
The heavier you are when you hang yourself the less time it takes to die, but it isn't in a matter of seconds like you think Mick, My co-pub-habitue Colin tried to hang himself after a good drinking binge after 10 minutes dangling there from the attic door.
He was found by his 4 year old son who went to his mum to enquire what his daddy was doing now and he was saved, But Dylan points out that time scales for death to occur aftar hanging can be anything from 6 seconds if you are Twiggys size to 2 hours if you are say Born 2B Wilds size with all the increments in between linearly, he adds it would take me about 40 minutes or so.
In the olden days, the sixteenth century, they did 16 people at once by pulling away huge carts leaving them all swinging and to be cruel to be kind the peasants would swing on the legs of the lighter ones. My dad Wonderwood wonders by as the conversation dries up and he says ''Just think Michael you are still covered on Sellers insurance if you try it"
Time Stood Still....
I am sat here it is hot outside and it is the ninth of May in the year 2000, despite that bang to the head not doing me any favours I am not feeling too bad now that I have now made friends back again with Queen Amidala after Sundays rude drunken remarks.
I am now listening to Numbnut's latest CD of Madonna which has the track listing of3 remixes of her last years No.2 hit "Beautiful Stranger" followed by her next release I hope, the gorgeous "Time Stood Still" about Il!Y battle with Adele to show her I love her.
Next is the dreaded "Be Careful" a str~ge concoction with Ricky Martin, taken from his debut British Album, this is easily surpassed by her 1985 No 4 smash hit "Gambler" which until now I have never had on a CD.
Finally the CD ends with three remixes of Madonna's world wide No 1, her cover of ''American Pie" all these songs go well together on one CD and I must thank Numbnuts for this little treasure to me, it is well worth it for the small sum of £2.
This is the first time I have written anything since the Easter sessions when I really messed my stomach, my safety valve up with too much beer, I think this aspect of my physiology keeps me from going off the rails and down the slippery slope of alcoholism. .
The only problem with alcohol is that it is a worthless food and gives rise to pure concentrated energy, this allows you to become totally uninhibited but it has a cost, like everything in this physical universe we cohabit in the years we will expect to spend here.
As I look out of my bedroom window, I see Dominating Donna and Mace Windu's house, however they are not speaking to each other after Sunday night when Donna smacked Mace in the face with their phone, Mace has now a slightly disfigured nose.
My flat is a absolute mess, there are cig dockers all over the place, empty beer cans litter the floor, the washing machine still has yesterdays load of washing in it, the washing up is beginningto smell along with my feet and the refuse bin ... but I am happy with this hell raiser existence.
I prefer my own company than that of some horrible shacked up existence with a female and all the hassle that this entails for just ten minutes of sexual pleasure per day if you are lucky, 'nobody here can tell me what to do so I have to sort myself out, and if this means it is a mess then that's what I will
live with, I am beginning to feel a little hungry for some food after all this beer, I will start cooking
That was Tuesday Night I think, yes cos Numbmits Daz had given me that CD I was rambling on about because he had left that American Pie CD at Sellers cos he couldn't do it till then he told me at Bowling on Saturday .. What was the scores ...
NO Idea What I Was On About??????
Let us all consider our residue left over from the 20th Century lifestyle as we all continueinto the 21st century- how secure we all are against unwelcome personnel invitation. many ofus live in high rise fiats where we meet the neighbours once a month in the iobby.Knhers reside in suburbs, surrounded by high fences and security systems. We have private telephone numbers and guard dogs on the gate and by this we consciously eliminate the possibility of any unhappy encounters- but, we also cut out the happy ones too.
It is not only this fact of our sheltered existence that we all have to consider but, when we go out of our comfortable surroundings we take with us our blank stares, blank stares are standard equipment for distancing yourself in elevators, subway trains and Supermarkets to name just a few.
Nowadays there are enormous pressures pulling people apart, if you want personal contact now, you have to be prepared to put in a lot of effort.
Our greatest joys, our most precious moments, our toughest challenges and our most loving times are invariably shared with other people.
No human being on this planet can make it all alone but we each spend a lot of our conscious moments pretending that we can by faking it, there is no sense in being proud and lonely ... Joy in life comes from expressing ourselves, in taking risks and jumping in .... everybody is not going to like you but you can at least like who you like.
Isn't it a great excuse to say to yourselflike I do .. "I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to get too close because eventually they'll leave me or die and then I'll be shattered"
... Sure you'll be shattered but how much better to be shattered with the thought that you gave it everything you had ... the ones who really lose out in this lifetime are those who realise inside that there life could of been made more exciting if they were more friendly.
"Huddersfield Town Football Club Couldn't hit a donkeys backside with a Banjo" .. Quote by Chief\' It is Wednesday night and Luke is once again grounded because his mum Queen Amidala says he has pooed himself, so I am all alone and skint.. what a perfect opportunity to talk to my computer, the only thing left for me which will listen.
I don't know why but with all the hot weather I haven't felt like writing as much as I used to but, I am a bit cheered up because the Solicitors for Yorkshire Bank that collect my loan have made what I can only assume to be a mistake" I now only have to pay £20 per month as opposed to £15 per week.
So what has been happening this week at Sellers where I work. ..
Well on Monday a lot of hearts were broken by Towns failure in the play-off's aad has a result a black cloud descended over us all even affecting those employees who do not have the slightest interest in
Football, my fellow Progress Labourer Born 2B Wild commented this morning when I was discussing the collective melancholy .. "We are all.still a bit subdued and its Wednesday, The Crow in the Paint Shop is still. in his cocoon"
The Crow in the Paint Shop is arguably Sellers No I fan of Steve Bruces Blue Army and on Monday he was in a right state and had to be given a sedative by our medicine man Chief)! who also confiscated as many ropes and slings from The Crows immediate environment that he could find. The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society who perhaps is Sellers N02 fan was equally distraught especially when while I tried to console and comfort him "Rise" by Gabrielle started playing on his nearby radio.
My boss The Failed fitter had however a stronger spirit, he just shrugged it off saying that he had been a fan for nearly 34 years and in that time he has got accustomed to his favourite team losing so it wasn't really a surprise.
As I mentioned earlier, when something as devastating as this occurs it seems to have a knock on effect on all the shop floor, the depression seems to float in the air like a fog and demor~lise those who are a bit prone to suicidal tendencies.
It was though with a bit of a surprise to here that Twiggy of all people had attempted to top himself, it was reported that he had put a sling round his neck and hooked it on to the crane in the third bay of the machine shop when it all got too much to bear and activated the up button using the pendal. Needless to say at the vital moment the badly maintained crane broke down ... Still this is Sellers! If,were all affected that way by our Bowling Team, we would by now all be in St Luke's Hospital, so never mind Town Fans there is, always next year to repeat the performance all over again.
As you all probably have gathered, I have never been a big fan of football, to me it seems for some like a new religion .. I myself prefer to take part in something rather than be a passive watcher.
Another E-Mail From Li££le Tony
Our Lathe turner from the Machine shop is now in Australia, but it seems that he is starting to miss us all a little, well maybe he isn't I dont know you judge for yourselves ...
The Laughing Cavalier is now busy upgrading the Mad Mick web site with all the latest letters and Jungle Telegraphs, soon included will be all the rfublications from Autumns "Can't See Wood For The Trees" staring Captain Beaky and his firewood fiasco (code YZ54R) right up to the last Publication just after Easter 2000 with "Jungle Telegraph Issue #17" (code YZX83F).
I also wish to say about the newsletters in general that I write them in a different way now, I write them a bit at a time when I feel inspired and do not try to do it all in one go, I think this improves the Quality a little but it also has the effect of reducing the quantity and makes them not necessarily ready every Monday morning.
Anyway my Web address for anyone who is interested is according to Alan Geeves (The Laughing Cavalier who kindly does this favour for me) situated at http://members.tripod.co.uklmadmicksite. Are You An Alcoholic?
When we drink alcohol our liver in our body breaks this down first into a poisonous substance called acetaldehyde which continues in our blood stream before the liver further reduces it to acetate which passes harmless out of our bodies in our urine and sweat.
In 90% of people the latter process occurs much quicker than the former and hence there is very little acetaldehyde in our blood however for the minority of 10% of us it is the opposite way round and this then gives rise to a build up of acetaldehyde and it is these people who are potential alcoholics.
So where does this chemical end up? in the brain of course where it mixes with the neurotransmitters which effect our decision making, and what do you feel when your brain is taken hostage like this, you feel complete euphoria because the acetaldehyde bobbing about in there simulates a opiate high. Hence the difference between a non alcoholic who gets tired after a couple of drinks is that the alcoholic feels heavenly, so he continues drinking giving rise to more acetaldehyde and behaviour that resembles one of Maces hell-raisers.
Another little known fact about alcohol is that it is one of the richest foods known to man, that is it is a very efficient source of energy but nutritionally it is not worth anything.
Alcoholics become malnourished because: _
a) Alcohol is toxic, it irritates, it swells, it interferes with digestion, it blocks v"itamin absorption, it dehydrates ... It Poisons
b) Also we drink instead of eat, remember alcohol is fuel.. you are not that hungry after consuming three or four beers.
c) Another reason for eating less .. eating interferes with the "kick", the high.
Alcohol however is everywhere, it is woven into the very fabric of society making it difficult to escape from, however lets first look at another big industry that is gradually being uncovered by the wisening consumer .. The Tobacco Industry.
Yes The Tobacco boys are mighty powerful people earning lots of cash and hence lots of political clout despite all the death and disease that was directly connected to the product they were making billions from for over 45 years.
Now finally all that is changing and they are gently being hand-slapped as governments realise that the force of the electorate is changing their views, but the Tobacco Industry is nothing compared to the might of The Alcohol Boys.
You cannot begin to understand the power that these people have and the conspiracy that follows with misinformation and poor recovery standards .
Money, hundreds of billions of pounds of pure profits is the reason why so much is not seen, so much is passed and more than you or I can imagine is covered up and allowed.
You can imagine the scenario, big wine boys dine with president Clinton who more or less runs the world, they have a chat and offer Clinton $6 million for his presidential campaign.
The next day all the media are reporting unanimously that...
"SOMETHING IN RED WINE IS STOPPING THE FRENCH FROM DROPPING LIKE FLIES The Government announced today that something in red wine is preventing heart disease (though nobody has any idea just what) .....
We all get the picture, one hand feeds the other, friends helping (wink wink) friends.
If the alcohol industry gave you $6 million fOT your election campaign would you kick them in the teeth, if your government got $7.5 billion per year from taxes on alcohol would you put them down? The-.4lcohol industry spend about $600 million in the US alone on advertising ... Alcohol is fun, exciting, refreshing, r~laxing and sexy placed all over tele ads, magazines, radio and billboards to name just a few.
You cant reallyolame them for glorifying the stuff, after all, what are they going to do .. tell the truth? What's it going to be this advert for Carling, people enjoying themselves on a beach or some poor sod heaving their guts up in the toilet?
Just who is brave enough to stand up and shout at the £ 1 00 billion per year alcohol industry that it is the biggest killer of'erainwashed (in more ways than one) young adults in this country?
So you are one of the 5 {Dillion alcoholics in Britain, where do you go to get help, Alcoholics Anonymous which has a 12% success rate though they don't say what happens to the other 88% of the poor sods.
At the AA you are told you are powerless over alcohol and the Christian thing does not really sit well with it, it does not mean you are a devil worshipper because you happen to have a problem with drink. The members of the AA are an unruly lot and not quite what its founder had in mind .. but how unusual is that in this world .. an original idea starts out right but people spoil it, how many times has that happened? Just have a look at every organised religion under the sun.
There have been no progression in the methods of its teaching in the last 59 years, no updating despite all the research into the biochemical connections to the disease, I believe it is all swept under the carpet by the big money men.
It has been found that there is a connection between refined sugar and flour which gives rise to the continuous craving for alcohol since they are both like alcohol nutrientless but energy dominant foods but what do they do at the AA, eat doughnuts and drink coffee.
The Caffeine in coffee has been found by these biochemists to also bring back the craving for alcohol so its got to make you wonder if they prefer you to be just that powerless over alcohol and all the profits it gives them._
We all know now-a-days that money is more important than lives, just look at the NHS ... QED.
SO just what have I done about my big problem, If you want to give up compulsive drinking I might as well tell all the "men in suites" who want my money so I finally cave in today and telephone the Solicitors of Yorkshire Bank who are collecting for my loan that they are charging me a third of what I should be paying and I have finally told the council tax where I live ....
Good-bye to you all till next time when I talk to you all again, by the way Mr Blobby says now that the government have got there 22.5 billion from mobile phone companies they are finally admitting they got it all wrong and mobile phones do f*ck you up .. vindictive b*stards YZX 84 F guaranteed r free
Madonna I s New Song is called II American Pie" and is Released Feb. 28th Anyway enough of being sensible!
Pointed Sarah says ... Love's a sensation caused by temptation of a boy who sticks his location in a girls destination to increase the population and do you all understand the fl'cking explanation? she also adds "I woz ere but now I'm not, I'm round the corner smoking pot, I woz ere to prove a point ... that life is sh*t without a joint"
This is one of our Bradley characters, where I try to live and let live, Bradley is located at an intersection of some mystical energy fields that are called "ley lines" and this makes all who live there nuts ..
Anyway talking of being nuts back to Sellers and I am proud to introduce to you all our driller previously known as Dynamic Dave and now renamed by Chiefy his boss, as "Mad Dog Dave".
Mad Dog Daves says his brother lives in South Africa, where he says they never had TVs until 1976, they did however have projectors and they rented huge rolls of film from the equivalent to our video rental shops, they also had drive in movies where you would park your car up and plug in your earphones to a box situated hopefully somewhere near you have parked your car.
Today they are showing the British lTV Nightly news and it is in fact just coming to a end .... "That's the news today on this cold February night before we give you the local news lets have a look at tomorrow's tabloids ... Here is the Daily Sport carrying a headline story about some sixfoot chicks pecking some poor c*nt to death. .. And here we have er ...
Oh its The Sun with its usual headline 'Save the pound we don't want the Euro', and there is a picture of Tony Blair with that sickly grin he does ..
The Express tells us about those 8 million jobs injeopardy, more of that story later ...
The Independent unveils the new government anti drugs legislation that the Tories are proposing, 'anyone found pedalling drugs within 400 metres of a school will get a tougher sentence'
And .. What is this Sh*t ... The Jungle Telegraph?"
The Incredible Hulk our favourite fitter has been banned from Brockway, Magicman revealed this week and he has been in the office with Gadaffi and Beaky as they try to explain the situation to him, it seems that nobody down there likes him anymore
Outside the fitting they are making a documentary about the building ofthe canal through a busy engineering works and stuck high in the air on a big pole is a video camera, I find this out when I am on Herbert the electric truck .. destination Machine Shop.
Inside The Machine shop, Mr Blobby our marker off says he is depressed, he says .. "It is lla.m. now on Friday and I was alright at half past seven this morning" he' adds ''Keeping yourself up while working here is like learning to swim with two tonne iron blocks attached to your feet"
I think this character is feeling what you used to call the blues but Au$$ie also looks depressed and his staring at the cutting part whirling around on his machine; his machine contains the cupboards which lead to Narnia and also on display is the empty cup which was bought by our ex-employee called Percy and-carries the label 'Very Rare £250" because Percy wasn't known for his generosity. Au$$ie says that he is p*ssed off because he has just found out that next year his council tax is going to be over £700 and to top that off they [The Council] do not even come and empty his new wheelie bin, he is expected to drag the b*stard up two flights of stone steps and place it at their collection point. David Beckham is nearby and hears about Au$$ie's plight and try's to cheer him up by saying .. "Here Dave their will come a day in the near future when the dustbin wagon pulls up outside your house and toots its horn then gives you a maximum of three minutes to rush out and empty your bin" Now Au$$ie is even more depressed as he looks forward to a rather gloomy future ...
Magicman is here in the machine shop and he wants to phone up Queen Amidala to sell her a video recorder but he is being chatted to death by Cheesy who says. "Mick and Oasis keep up the morale in here, yes Tom when we feel down we just think of them two poor c *nts from Bradley and we feel better". "Can talk my GTi glass eye to sleep that bloke" says Magicman as we rush to Chiefys phone box to make a phone call to my ex ... Queen Amidala answers the phone and is greeted to Magicmans following quote .. ''Hello is that Queen Amidala, I saw your advert in this weeks Fiesta magazine and I want to know if you will go out with me tonight?"
Queen Amidala says after many moments of contemplation "No I am alright" and then she slams the phone down only to be phoned back up by myself and as she answers Magicman says "She has a sexy voice hasn't she" sarcastically as at the same time she blurts out of the ear piece "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU PLAYING AT YOU SILLY C*NT".
Queen Amidala says that she will offer £40 for the video recorder but she adds that Magicman is welcome round any time to watch a couple ofthose videos that you keep giving Percy, Magicman adds to this that he would prefer to make some video's with her rather than watch them.
It is Friday dinnertime and me and Dylan are up town perving, "This way is better for perving" says Dylan has he leads me by the hand up towards the bus station and away from Mystic who heads the opposite way as we exit the paved pavilion.
''Look at her" says Dylan pointing at a beautiful blonde but I analyse her brainwaves using the power of the force and I am unimpressed ... You can't judge a book by its cover ...
After dinner I am in the fitting shop and Magicman is still laughing about his first connection with Queen Amidala but he says that the best practical joke he ever did was when he was with the ExCaptain's son .. Charles... "We [Tommy & Charles] went into this travel agents and asked if they had information about the company called 'Jeopardy', 'I think its a shipping company' says Charles" "Anyway she spends nearly half an hour frantically searching her way through all this big stack of books, 'Are You Sure it is a shipping company Tommy!' she asks with a redface ....
'I will try aircraft companies Tommy'she says in front of a waiting room that continues to get more populated and then she spends another half a hour going through the AER section looking for 'Jeopardy', finally she gives up and says 'Well I am sorry Mr Noon I cannot find this c~mpany in any of our records just where did you see this advert'
'Oh it was in the Daily Express, on the front cover in fact, it said ... "8 Million Jobs in Jeopardy", and Ijust wanted ajob"well done Jedi Magicman and congratulations the spirit world has finally given you Jedi status for your caring lifetime, you will be now referred to as Jedi Magicman.
It is late, late on Friday night and I am present in front of my Spin Doctor; Jedi Master Mace Windu and he says that I should write to my MP. so that I can get moved from my dump of a flat and escape to a lovely flat facing Bradley Park.
He adds "Mick has been burgled so many times where he lives right now that (t no longer feels like a home to him, judging by all these stories he keeps giving me I think Sellers is his real home"
We are all sat drinking beer as usual and Jedi Master Mace Windu has finally decided to stop being a funny c*nt and put the computer on for Jedi Master Luke and Jedess Becky so that they can play computer games ... ''Jedess Becky has got a bit of that sneaky nastiness in her that is also in her daddy and your brother Forest" he says as he crosses the floor to wire the system up ..
Once Luke and Becky are happily playing away at computer games Dominating Donna arrives home from her hectic job on the checkouts ofLIDL and tells us of her erotic activities the previous
weekend ... "I was at Ricky's and there was this male stripper on and he selected me as the girl to simulate oral sex on because my other two gorgeous sisters, Queen Amidala and The Gossip Queen, backed away laughing. He then put a towel over my head and simulated me giving him a blow job, do you know Mick: .. do you know what they do to keep their erection ... they pump their penis up with a bike pump then put an elastic band round it ...
... and it is horrible but also nice in a weird way when it whacks you in the face, in fact I think it is a pleasant experience in front of an audience, only problem was that he was dressed like a Sailor and I don't like Sailors so that turned me off a bit"
Jedi Master Mace Windu is looking at the cover of the CD for Britneys debut LP, that I have just returned and he says ... "I assume it was Mr Muscles who ran a home run with his tackle all over this CD case I am sure you wouldn't be the culprit would you Mick"
I am SOrry Luke ....
It was Saturday afternoon when it happened, on 12/2/00 to be precise, my friend Supreme J.M. Damian had finally finished moving house from 1265 Leeds road to 1271 Leeds Road and he was burning the last of his rubbish on some waste ground that is situated behind his old house (and new house for that matter you might have noticed he hasn't moved very far).
I was asleep on the floor of his old living room and Luke and Becky were playing with Supreme J.M. Damians ex next door neighbours daughters when one of them pushed Luke squarely on the back towards the fire, eyewitness Damian said that Luke somehow cartwheeled over the fire and burnt his hands on a smouldering bread bin.
He and his ex-next door neighbour, Mac, rushed to put Luke's hands under a cold tap, while Luke tried hard to counteract the tears while I continued to remain unconscious and oblivious to all the commotion after consuming 2 cans of beer.
When I was finally woken and given the news, I think I finally realised that I have a serious problem with alcohol, it is a love affair that totally consumes me .. I am an Alcoholic and I am not a responsible dad at all, I should ofbeen there for Luke.
Luke had burnt both of his hands as a result of this evil little girls actions and as I took Luke back to his mum Queen Amidala I knew I was in for trouble.
Queen Amidala, his mum has now stopped me having Luke look after me Saturday night and I now have to drop him off at 6p.m. for being totally irresponsible.
I have now decided to give up drinking when I am looking after Luke, even though it would not have made any difference what I had been doing when a seven year old girl is capable of pushing a five year old boy on to a fire, I still should ofbeen there for him.
I think in retrospect this anger turned inwards and expressed itself as anger against Sellers with my last letter about "Sellers Sickness Policy" but anger has to go somewhere otherwise you end up with it bottled in and this leads to depression.
Needless to say my last issue of "The Jungle Telegraph" proved the most popular yet with the lads on the shop floor but I doubt The Gods of Sellers shared the same enthusiasm to its content.
I don't think you will be reading my letters very long if! continue being sensible so well what can you say its back to the bullsh*t. See ya later YZR72F2 cos the last one fell off the disk on the way to work
(2)3 Roy Wigglesworth 62 2"/21 18 Av 20.7 Plyd 3 WOf) 2,'
(3)4 Colin Ackroyd 42 14 Av 21 Plyd 2 Won 2
(5)5 Joe O'Neill 39 6 Av 19.5 Plyd 2 Won 'I.
( - ) 6 John Earnshaw 36 21/ 16 -I Av 18 Plyd 2 Won I
(- )7 Tommy Noon 20 20/21 '. -I Av 20 Plyd I Won 0
( - ) 8 Peter 19 19/21 -2 Av 19 Plyd I Won 0
(-)9 Geoff Smith 47 21 / 12 -7 Av 15.7 Plyd 3 Won I
,..... (-)10 The Crow 13 13 /21 -8 Av 8 Plyd I Won 0
(-)10 Darren Boyce 10 -II Av 10 Plyd I Won 0
(6)11 Michael Schofield 42 6/21 -12 Av 14 Plyd 3 Won I
( 7 ) 12 Alistair Littlewood 46 21/17 -13 Av 15.33 Plyd 3 Won 1
( - ) 13 Dave Newton 35 21/ 11 -18 Av 11.67 Plyd 3 Won I
( - ) 14 Peter Ward 13 8/21 -29 Av 6.5 Plyd 2 Won 0
( - ) 15 John Hampshire 24 12/21 -39 Av 8 Plyd 3 Won 0
We have had a few matches now so I have finally decided to complete the hard mathematical task of reproducing a table based on last years unpopular equation of ordering everybody in a chart based on aggregate, i.e, if you win 21/7 you get + 14 added to your aggregate, but, if you lose 7/21 you get -14 or 14 deducted from your aggregate.
This system was thought up in the spirit world and is unpopular in the real world ofus mortals because the more you play in our team the more you lose and we all end up with very embarrassing handicaps and this brings down the team morale.
Dave Newton said only today that ... "If all our chart based numbers were positive then at least we would feel better but with say -18 next to your name and you are below Mad Mick it does not really make you feel inspired because he seems to spend most of his time pissed"
He continues .. ''] think we heed a system based on our averages because if you look at the above table there are bowlers with averages as low as eight at no. 10 andpeople like Alistair at No 12 with 15.33, it is simply not fair that someone can burst in near the top of the charts having played just one match and winning giving him a positive aggregate which Micks charts are based on. "
I suppose Aussies opinion of my bowling performance figures are based on a system which is perhaps a little unfair so after five ''Non Cup matches" have taken place I will alter the program that does this to adopt a average dominated pier chart that gives full percentage to the average after the bowler has played four of the matches and say 40% to someone has played at just two.
This will however take some time as I am yet unable to make sense of this program I wrote that completes all the calculations, since my yin and yang has moved too far towards the yang and I am no longer mathematically minded to understand what to do to change it.
Anyway here are the results of Saturdays match at Wood field Park against Dalton CBC, in order of the strength of our winners score and the controversial aggregate score awarded to it. ..
Dave Newton 21 vs K Clarkson 11 +10
Steve Newton 21 vs R Pearson 11 +10
Geoff Smith 21 vs D Sutcliffe 12 +9
John Earnshaw 21 vs B Muff 16 +5
Alistair Littlewood 21 vs K Williamson 17 +4-
Tommy Noon 20 vs P.E. Williams 21 -1
Roy Wigglesworth 20 vs T Clegg 21 -1 If
Peter 19 vs G Slack 21 -2
The Crow 13 vs G Priestley 21 -8
John Hampshire 12 vs W Burke 21 -9
Peter Ward 8 vs F Casson 21 -13
Michael Schofield 6 vs D Howard 21 -15
So our overall collective synergy this week comes out by summing the total of the aggregates and this is -13 so we have had all to share this between us and it is the best that God could do for our team, when we start getting more positive numbers we will start to win the aggregate more often.
Anyway those who attended this weeks match at Wood field Park were not disappointed by the action and the Sun was beating down in all its glory, Chiefy also known as Mr John Hampshire, our Machine shop top sh*ter failed to be able to distinguish his opponents brown bowls from his own SSC black bowls and on three occasions gave brilliant touchers with his opponents woods .'
It seems to me that we have a certain amount of energy to share between us and this is shared in glory moments for all of us at certain times but it just isn't quite enough for our team to ever win, but, at least we have a good laugh about it afterwards with our friends.
The All Seeing Eye however seems to feel our team is doomed and next year will no longer exist because Chiefy failed to inform him that he was going to be a little late ...
However today at work The All Seeing Eye was back in full and enthusiastic secretarial duty without the criticisms of its appointed Captain and was back in top form for his suggestion to anoint our new Player Peter Schofield with team membership after his 19/21 defeat against the best player of our opponents "G Slack".
So "Wonderwood" is finally reincarnated, and The Stealth Bomber his able to watch his old character climb to the top of our charts without him even having to move from his seat, we were originally playing our trump card under the name of Phil Charlesworth but it was decided by our secretary that it would become a bit confusing if Pipe ever came back to wherever he his and decided to bowl for us again.
and also with two Phil Pipes in our team it would look a bit suspect to our oponents but now we have the same problem with the proliferation's of Peter Schofields, one day jokes Aussie, you will be sat marking P Schofields card and the opponents marker will shout Peter Schofield versus Fred Bloggs and four scores will be shouted from our team.
Anyway this Saturday at Wood field Park we completed our usual five winners and The Crow gave a lift to his Magic-man a.ka. Tommy Noon and then became besotted with a tiny little frog that was nearly trampled by one of our opponents players but was saved at the last minute by himself. Meanwhile Magic man was busy arguing with his oponent about where there mat was before the wind carried it away and this gives rise to his opponent shouting at him that he his the most unsportsmanlike bowler he has ever met!
Anyway our next match is at Dalton CBC against Cowcliffe Lib on Saturday 24th of June 2000 and this is followed by the Sellers Singles Friendly Knockout at Farnley Tyas where we all witness something supernatural...
Our loudest member of our Paint Shop, Zippy and Luke's Mum Queen Amidala promise to run across the green up there completely in the nude
So here is my last plug before the event. ••
SUNDAY JUNE 25th •• SELLERS SINGLES KNOCKOUT •• COME AND SEE QUEEN AMIDALA & ZIPPY IN
THERE BIRTHDAY SUITS .. 11 •• ,S Tile ... S ••••• he ••• n. S •••••• lnIS
I think that this Christmas we should have a pantomime instead of a Christmas Party for the kids which arouses no interest in our youngsters, but we should all take turns to become the actors of the particular characters in the Traditional tales we decide upon ..
I just thought that this year we could perform "Snow White & The Seven Dwarves" starring Mystic as Snow White and Chiefy, Stroll On, The Stealth Bomber, Colonel Gadaffi and The Failed Fitter as five of the dwarves, our brown coated dwarf foremen.
Then perhaps we could have Mo Mowlam and Squeaky as the two remaining dwarves who are foremen but are for some reason not allowed the status symbol of a brown smock but are still allowed
to issue orders. ,. •.
It could go something like this ...
The Queen played by Diet Coke Break is sat at the window of her castle sewing something, a cardboard cut-out of a castle window is shown with Diet Coke Break Sitting Behind it...
The Queen [Diet Coke Break] sighs heavily and says (as she glances through her ebony window frame after she has just pricked her finger three times due to the shakes caused by DT's and three drops of blood fell on her sewing ... ) "I wish I had a baby girl with cheeks as red as blood, skin as white as snow and hair as black as ebony"
At this point one of The Seven Dwarves, Chiefy chucks a doll to her and the narrator, The Tin Shop
Poet says over the tanoy... .
"Soon afterwards, her wish came true. She had a lovely baby daughter with red cheeks. and black hair. She named the baby Snow White then promptly popped her clogs and Snow Whites father remarried"
The Stage is changed and Supergrass and Adalassie are on the new set which also. contains a mirror which our Adalassie is gazing into thoughtfully ...
"Must you stare into that bloody mirror all day says': says Supergrass who is playing the king to this new vain and selfish Queen he had married ... The new Queen was beautiful and her dearest possession was her magic mirror.
The Queen was however talking telepathically to her reflection and in her minds eye it gave answers and she was therefore oblivious to her husbands nagging ...
She says whilst having a rub and looking at her gorgeous reflection. .. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest ofus all?"
The Tin Shop Poet says over the tanoy a booming ... "Thou, 0 Queen, art the fairest of al/!"
Snow White [acted by Mystic] enters the room, she was growing up and becoming more lovely every day and the Queen was getting a bit jealous.
[The Failed Fitter, another of the seven dwarves walks across the stage with a sign which reads "Six months later .... '1
The Queen played by Adalassie is once again gazing into her mirror and saying her nightly question .. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest ofus all?"
The Mirror however gave a new reply ...
It said simply through our tanoy system .. "0 Queen, Snow White is fairest of all" The Queen grew pale with rage ...
From that day on, the Queen hated Snow White with all her heart. Everyday Snow White grew more and more beautiful. in her fury the Queen sent for the Huntsman .. [and into the pantomime to clapping from all the kids walks our electrician Crazy in one of his mad uniforms he loves to wear]. 'Take Snow White into the Forest" she ordered. "Kill her and bring back her heart"
So [Crazy] The Huntsman takes [Mystic] Snow White into the forest but how could he kill this lovely girl he asks the audience of besotted infants ... no they shout ...
"Run" said The Huntsman Gruflly "and never return!"
Snow White ran and ran through the forest but soon she was lost and frightened, "Oh where shall I go?" she wept. At Last! she glimpsed a little cottage in the clearing.
Cold and tired, Snow White peeped inside ... What an odd little place it was! There were seven tiny chairs and seven tiny beds.
As there was no-one about, Snow White lay down on one of the beds and fell fast asleep ...
Scene changes and our narrator who speaks over the tanoy says as our seven dwarves rush around changing the scene to their return from work. ..
The Tin Shop Poet says over the tanoy ... "Unknown to the sleeping girl, the cottage belonged to seven dwarves called Chiefy, The Failed Fitter, Mo Mowlam, Squeaky, Colonel GadafJi, Stroll On and The Stealth Bomber who worked at Sellers all day with Mad Mick". ...
[He continues as they all enter and light there seven candles] ..
"At nightfall, they come home from their place of work and light seven candles"
Just then The Failed Fitter notices Snow White fast asleep in Gadaffi's bed and exclaims "Hey kid, I think their is this girl with black hair and white skin asleep in Kev's bed"
Obviously Colonel Gadaffi is the first head to pop up from the blankets startling poor Snow White out of her deep dream ...
"Aright Thur ... " says Colonel Gadaffi inhis Lancaster accent ... "Does tha not know, this is my bed" he adds ...
To Be Continued, well that is if Zippy can think of any more and you all want to hear from him again
after this little episode... -
Lets hope it becomes a reality .. see ya later Mick writing "YZX91R" on 19th June 2000 .. bye.
Lights Camera Action, another newsletter begins ...
Well its been an action packed weekend what with the Singles Tournament taking place at Farnley Tyas on Sunday and our bowling team winning its first match on Saturday against Darth Vadors team, Cowcliffe without the presence of his lordship ..
I put up a great battle against my opponent on Saturday, David Howard, I think he was called, and it was fifteen across untill brought up the subject of his fellow team member who we all now know as Darth Vador...
"J couldn't agree with you more, he is a right self centred b******, in fact one Saturday we were desperate for a man so J phoned him up to ask ifhe could play and the phone was answered by his thorny wife II
"His wife answered .. 'Vador is having his tea', indignant like, so J asked her since it was only 3p.m. in the afternoon and we were due to play at 6:30pm, then how long he would be having his teafor?. 'He is not playing bowls today thank you' and then she put the phone down ..
After he told me all this I never scored again and David Howard went on to win 21/15 after directing his anger at Darth Vador into his game of bowls.
The table printed above is again ordered in the aggregate method of order i.e. if All But Smithy gets his usual score of all But he is deducted one from his aggregate total but I have decided to change this from hopefully next week, I will now adopt a match played average where ..
*for I match played you get 20% of your average on your tally
* for 2 matches played 40%, three 60%, four 80% and after you have played 5 matches you get the full percentage of your average. I hope this is a satisfactory method of giving everyone an equal chance to be at the top without only having to play one match.
Anyway here is Saturdays league with the aggregate awarded to it...
Sellers versus Cowcliffe at Dalton CBe
Colin Ackroyd 21 E Gray
John Earnshaw 21 D Bentley
Alan Stead 21 R Hatfield
.roe 0 I Neil 21 P Connoley
Peter 21.r .r ones
Roy Wigglesworth 21 C Stoney
Geoff Smith 21 S Stoney
Michael Schofield 15 D Howard
Dave Newton 14 R H Swan
Stew Newton 12 R Smith 21 -9
Peter Ward 11 A Winter 21 -10
John Hampshire 4 B King 21 -17
Our total aggregate comes out at -34 down on last weeks -13 but we actually win
because we haw the most winners ..
Sellers Singles Handicap 2000
hc name/score round 2 round 3 semi final winner
+9 J.T Hirst 12
+5 A Stead 21 A Stead 21
+11 J Hampshire 17 Ms Walsh 17 ALAN
+15 Ms Walsh 21 STEAD
+15 Ms S L'wood 21 21 ALAN W
+9 D Newton 19 S L'wood 16 JOHN Stead I
+1 J Earnshaw 21 J Earnshaw 21 Earnshaw 21 N
~ +15 MsM Schofl8 20 NEIL N
+5 TNoon N/A Shaw E
+15 L Barret abs TNoon 16 NEIL 20 R
+11 N Shaw 21 N Shaw 21 SHAW 21
+9 A Littlewood 19 MICHAEL 2
+11 M Walsh 18 Schofield 7 ALAN 0
+6 M Schofield 21 Stead 0
21 0
ROY
scr G Smith 21 Wiggle A
+11 C Clarke 16 GEOFF 20 L
SMITH 18 A
ADELE Adele N
+11 K Miller 13 ROW 21 ROW
+15 MsARow 21 19 S
ROY T
WIG E
+11 R Cocking 21 21 A
+13 P Schofield 16 RICHARD D
"'? COCKING
17
+9 R Wiggle 21 R. WIGGLE
+4 J O'Neil 18 21
"You made a right pratt of yourself, even yer mum agrees" says my dad The Stealth Bomber about yesterdays Bradley trip out to play bowls at Farnley Tyas with Queen Amidala [A Row]
"You acted like a ten year old, what is up with you, you made a right fool of yourself in front of everyone" he adds, to which I reply sarcastically, "Well dad. at least that is an improvement on last year when I was acting in your words like a four year old".
I don't think my dad likes me having a bit of a laugh, we are all supposed to sit there looking serious all the time, I know I sometimes go a little too far especially when I was encouraging Queen Amidala a little too enthusiastically when she was playing Roy in the semi final.
Alan Stead went on to win the 2000 Handicap in a gripping final against Roy Wigglesworth who looked like he was walking on stilts while I was knocked out easily by Neil Shaw after beating Sellers 168 hour Mat Walsh.
As usual Chiefy, John Hampshire was knocked out after some 3 minutes and 2 seconds by his blind opponent, but it was it seems Queen Amidala who had the force with her this year with her stunning performance against Geoff "All But" Smithy and wiping the floor with Gadaffi, only to be defeated in the semi's after I put her off with my shouting against redundant Father Christmas.
All But Smithy however did not take offence against her flamboyant win and kindly ga~e, me, Adele and her children Luke, Ben and Emma a lift back to Bradley when the matches were over.
My mum and dad had gone home prematurely on the bus appalled at my childish behaviour. however nobody else there complained, if I can't have a few beers and a laugh with my friends then just when can I have a bit of fun.
I am sorry however that I didn't produce a report however when I finally got home I was in no fit state to do so after eight pints of lager and two smokes (And the rest.. QA)
Zippy's Tale ... (Part 2)
I swear I felt a right idiot walking into the library and asking for the story .. "Snow White & The Seven Dwarves"You will have to try the children section of our library .. er Sir"!" said the librarian looking at me a little strange .. most humiliating
[The next scene is hastily assembled by our Seven Dwarves, they are all sat having their tea and so on the stage is a table containing lots offood and knelt on the floor is Mystic]
"Why have you come here and how can we help you" asks The Stealth Bomber in a gentle voice while trying to get the food into his mouth before it falls off his fork
"We've got lucky here lads, she's gorgeous" gurgles Mo Mowlam in between swigs of his fourth can of Stella, "Does tha not know we ain't got a spur bed but she can sleep in mine ifshe don't mind if me join her" Agrees Gadaffi lighting his fourth cigarette whilst downing a shot of whisky.
All our youngsters in the audience were mesmerised by our Christmas pantomime in our social club
~ and listened in hushed silence as [Mystic] playing Snow White told her story ..
[Snow White Explained all about the wicked Queen and has she told she grew so sad that she began to cry] .. "Hush my dear" said The Failed Fitter agonising over weather to eat a chip or a sausage from his plate, "You can live here with us kid safe from that horrible woman ... "he continues when he finally decides to consume the Sausage, decisions not being his strong point.
The Tin Shop Poet then narrates drunkenly over the Sellers Tanoy system ... "Snow White, er, she er gratefully excepted the funny dwarves offer" and The Seven Dwarves once again are busy changing the scene back to that at the palace and the curtain rises, or rather somebody moves the dust sheet which blocks the kids view in between Scenes ..
[In the palace, the Queen acted by Adalassie from The Sellers Canteen is once again stood by her cherished Magic Mirror, and also present is Danger Mouse who is thinking of getting a divorce].. Over the Tanoy The Tin Shop Poet's voice is once again boomed around the works much to the amusement of the workmen busy constructing the canal under our place ofwork. .. "The Queen did not know that the huntsman had disobeyed her and brought her an animals heart instead of Snow Whites" [Rubbing her hands with glee, the Queen Smiled and said to her reflection .. ]
"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?"
And the mirror replied, or rather the disembodied voice of the Tin Shop Poet.. "0 Queen, Snow White is fairest of all. For in the forest, where seven dwarfs dwell, Snow White is still alive and well"
[The curtain falls as the Queen is left screaming with rage and planning her revenge]
.~ Once again the scene has changed and we are back at the little house has the seven dwarves get ready for another day on patrol at Sellers, Stroll On, Colonel Gadaffi, The Stealth Bomber, Chiefy and The Failed Fitter all put on their matching brown coats while Mo Mowlam and Squeaky have to be content with Blue ones .. "Its notfairl" squeaks Squeaky, "I want a brown coat like everybody else" ..
But soon they are all happily marching into the woods, singing happily "Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to Sellers We Go" and the sight of this brings a few giggles to our captivated youngsters their Pokemon cards long since forgotten ..
Snow White sang happily to herself too has she got busy cleaning The Dwarves little house .. Over the tanoy our narrator says "Before long an old peddler woman knocked at the door" ..
Snow White pretends to open the invisible door and on to the stage walks The All Seeing Eye with a old scruffy wig on and steamed up glasses .. "Come and look at these things I have brought with me" he cackled ..
Snow White was enchanted ...
She let The All Seeing Eye tie a pink velvet ribbon he was carrying which he had taken out of a tiny wooden wishing well and he placed it round her neck to see how it would look..
Suddenly with a gasp from the young audience The All Seeing Eye pulled the ribbon tight and Snow White fell to the ground.
Chiefy was first to discover Snow White lying on the floor close to death and luckily he was a wise man of medicine, "Some c*** has tied some rope round her neck, there is some b*****s about isn't there" he exclaimed as he untied the ribbon so she could breathe
[He had luckily forgotten his betting slips and his newspaper and had to leave work early to collect them]. .. As Chiefy nursed her back to health again using his skills in first aid, Snow White was soon feeling better again ... Some things only happen in fairy tales! A Part 3 anyone?
By The Way
Several of my readers have written to me - not while they were reading, of course. They probably took short breaks between there acts of reading in order to write. Nevertheless, I feel entitled to refer to them as readers since they appear well aquatinted with the contents of these news-letters.
I could be quite wrong about this, of course.
Perhaps some, or even most do not read at all, but have my letters read to them generous friends or fellow work mates. Nevertheless, I use the term "readers" unashamedly for I believe it conveys the nature of my correspondents as well as any other single word could manage.
As I was saying, I have been written for advice from my pseudo ten year old mind, and this problem is apparent in even my son Luke's mind and is really of national concern ..
How everyone wants to know is just how are we to save our children from the craze ofPokemon? Luke tells me of the daily playground violence, dubious trading methods and huge financial outlay in the search for elusive cards are the least of their worries.
What gives them most cause for concern is the ability of the game to turn them all into gibbering idiots ...
For where two of us Pokemaniacs gather together... there shall the conversation descend rapidly into language comprising only the names of the 150 and shortly to be 250 strange monsters ... Fortunately Mad Mick has been using his ten year old brain to monitor Luke, Ben and Uncle Craig's trading methods with these cards whilst at Queen Amidala's and I have found a remedy to the game ...
The trick is this ...
I) You must allow your children {or adults} to witter on for ages .. until they are confident that you have been totally excluded from the conversation.
2) Then you turn to a child who is not your own and ask: "Do you have Battyeford Lill or The Stealth Bomber?"
The Adult I Child will then be surprised at your knowledge of Pokemon but he will be still more so because he has never heard of Battyeford Lill and The Stealth Bomber
3) You now push home your advantage by explaining that Battyeford Lill is a highly evolved Pokemon which can only be defeated in battle by The Stealth Bomber, and vice versa.
They are two of the rarest and most secret Pokemon of all and have not even been officially released in Japan ...
The Adult I Child, if sufficiently confident in his own mastery of the game, the so called Pokemon Masters, may challenge you at this point by insisting that he has all the manuals and none of them mentions Battyeford Lill or The Stealth Bomber...
"Of course they don't. " you reply smugly ... "I told you they were the most secret of all"
To test the validity of your claim you may be further questioned
