Just got back from dropping my son, Jedi Luke at his mums house, his mum is called Queen Amidala. Poor Queen Amidala made a mistake when she was just thirteen and ended up somehow in love with me and we split up after I went nuts and started dancing in our locals causing her severe embarrassment throughout our quiet Bradley community to her. ..
Queen Amidala has two sisters, one called Dominating Donna who is shacked up with my best friend Jedi Master Mace Windu and another who is aptly titled The Gossip Queen and she has one kid to The Knight Rider. Queen Amidala's best friend is called Mrs Jalpotta and she enjoys wagging her bum in front of the gas fire while she is trying to keep warm in Queen Amidalas freezing palace.
In addition to Jedi Luke who has just gone five she has another son called Obi-wan Kenobi and daughter called Princess Lea who are 3 years and six months respectively. Queen Amidala says that when Jedi Luke and Obi-wan- Kenobi have gone to bed she frequently pours her heart out to young Princess Lea because she is the only one in her life who listens to them without attempting suicide. Queen Amidala says she is the Black Sheep of her family and that the first time I ever hit her physically she was poised to smash up my Madonna collection with a hammer and I apparently pushed her on to the bed with a gentle shove although I have no memory of this.
In the corner of Queen Amidala's living room their is a teddy she calls "Frank" which she also admits to frequently find herself exchanging a one way conversation with but really deep deep down in the huge abyss their is a heart somewhere, only nobody has managed to find it yet.
Anyway I have just got back to my flat after teasing them all a bit, I told Luke once again that he was to be going on a stage soon with lots of people watching him in the audience and in addition to this millions of viewers glued to TV's throughout the country waiting for him to talk about something .. He says that he will talk about his Mummy and Stupid Daddy ... "my daddy he drinks lots of beer and acts silly all the time and sometimes he does mi' head in, and my mummy she is agoraphobic and hardly ever goes out .. sometimes when she goes shopping she sometimes gets so scared.
I have often wondered what the store manager thinks when he finds the odd can of pet food in the refrigerators or breakfast cereal amongst the washing powder or even occasionally afully laden shopping trolley completely abandoned.
My Daddy he went funny when I was born and started dancing about the local pub and peeing himself, much to the amusement of most of the locals he had blown a fuse somewhere and snapped, he also works at this funny place where everybody Seems to be high on LSD or something and I don't think that does him any favours because he writes about it all the time.
Sometimes I think to myself did my daddy really lose it or was it that he had never found it in the first place, but I do like my mummy and daddy a lot even if they dont like each other anymore but they seem to get on well, when they start talking they don't know when to shut up.
A huge round of applause goes up to Jedi Luke as he finally reaches a age when he has more "common sense" than his daddy and he is now recognised by the spirit world as Jedi Master Luke, the second youngest person ever to make himself Jedi Master ...
Supreme Jedi Master achieved this feat when he was just 18 months old and 1 have only just managed it ... Newsletter ... Oh yes Mystics off-side rear break light has ceased working it says here but I cannot remember writing it but I must have done it subconsciously, I even write in my sleep now, yes really I wake up to pages of unreadable shite at the side of my bed and sometimes have to resort to writing it in my newsletter ...
Mystic had to bowl for me at our seasonal piss ur; down at the Visage because I was possessed by some Alien life form, a lot of memories have come back to me that fateful day and they ~e gradually during my marathon sleeping sessions that saved Sellers a tenner during the month of January.
Anyway I wrote most of the gossip about the week when Luke was naughty and was refused a visit to my house Wednesday 2/2/00, Jedi Master Luke poured his com flakes all over his brother Obi Wan,
,~ this was the second anniversary of "Tour Of Sellers", my first readable account of our work place.
A member of the fitting shop seems to have a lot of names on his locker I think as I idly slob around the works for a tour of the place that seems to be my entire life now ... Oh yes there is "De Rusty Varcken" and "Pussy Muncher".
I am told by a person who wishes to remain anonymous that this particular Sellers character had knocked over his own cat that v§ry morning and "De Rusty Varcken" was Dutch for "Ginger Pig", the person who wishes to remain anonymous is very friendly with Bungle from Rainbow.
It is Friday morning after a night been visited by Supreme Jedi Master Damian, who is certainly my best friend now-a-days, Marcus Stewart has his hair in a style that could only bring to mind "Toyah" .. but Dynamic Dave says he likes Marcus's new look now he has transferred to Ipswich.
The Crow, The Balloon Warden [Jedi Master Rigsby Amway has warned me already that this name is now 'tired' and should be replaced] and The Chairman of The Mass Debating society, towns biggest supporters at Sellers are already contemplating mass suicide but with every black cloud comes a Silver lining, out of the ashes flies a phoenix, you need not worry, town will one day in the future win the FA cup, and you could speed this feat up if you consult a bored Jedi Master like me or Luke.
In the third bay of the machine shop the new electrician once again fails to acknowledge my presence on this planet ... I think he looks like that suicidal guy out of Lethal Weapon .. in the corner of bay 3 Onslo and his servant are all staring up at a light that has gone out, even Barny Rubble who lives their has joined in the battle to psychically fix the problem using the force but the light stubbornly remains not to produce any photons except them reflected from its shiny surface.
When I visit our paint shop, the home of Dylan, the elder and his subordinates, The Crow, Florence and Dougle, they are as usual all high on the fumes of gun wash ... "Can I have a word with you Mick" says Florence .. "Only I think you are taking this thing with your wagon er, Sophie a little too far ..
are you really jealous because it is Born To Be Wilds turn with Sophie, will you really be with her one day at the marriage guidance ... 'How old is your wife sir?'
'She is W reg. 1980 er she is twenty, she is also blue and has an engine ... wheels instead of legs ... She blows her horn when she comes ... no seriously Michael why did you leave Queen Amidala?"
Well you know me '" if wit was shit I would be constipated and poor Queen Amidala can only stand small doses of this now-a-days, so she smokes her life away with Mrs Jalpotta discussing past experiences of life with a out of control Jedi Muster.
Friday Dinnertime and I am surprised to be accompanied by Colonel Gadaffi and Captain Beaky as I go to pay my bills and soon we are presented with the latest recruit to the shouting about God clan we have Jedi Master Rigsby Amway walking about with his bible shouting religious crap.
Captain Beaky says ... "I am of the opinion that provided you come to work on time and do your job efficiently and courteously, then what you do in your spare time is your business, if you want to shout about God in the street, that is your business, if you want to kick seven bells ofsh*t out of somebody at afootball match.
That is your own business!
If you want to swig aw£ry at beer every night and let the demon control you, that is you said it your own business, but when your stupid stories are beginning to upset people then it becomes our
business What have you wrote in you newspaper that has upset Phil Pipe" .
"Here Ian Mick made out that Phil Pipe called Captain Wise a C, U,N, T, a bit naughty don't you think Ian, and does tha not know Mick is lucky that Pipe is at Holmfirth and not on site after his blood" Beaky then gives his formal telling off. "It is alright having a bit of fun Mick; but, don't start upsetting people and using your gift the wrong way, try as well to cut out all the swearing, you can assert yourse/fwithout using those naughty words"
lt seems that sometimes I forget while I am typing these words that I fail to censor them sufficiently and a lot of threats have been received recently as I add a bit of soap opera drania to each character and this week it is our expert Joiner named "All But Smithy".
All But Smithy works with Dashing Dave who also has a "tired" name like The Balloon Warden, I know Jedi Master Rigsby Amway but ifI keep changing everybodies name too fast I am in danger of making the stories once again "foreign" and nobody will be able to picture in their minds eye the character involved in the particular disaster, it is bad enough as it is!
Why is everybody so concerned about the swearing in my newsletter, that is the way people talk to each other at Sellers and I cannot hide it behind censorship I mean ifIsaid ... Chiefy says angrily "One believes you are a bit naughty Michael, appearing at this particular moment in time while I am busy doing what you Michael is supposed to be doing but I wilt eontinue as one is enjoying a coffee" nobody who reads this verbal garbage would agree this is the voice of Chiefy
I try to make it a bit of fun because, Phil Pipe, Laughter Is Really the best medicine and I do apologise for putting words into your mouth that you didn't actually say in the context I put them in .. er Sorry. David Beckham is a long lost ghost of his former selfwhen he was with Mystic and he says to me as he closes the door for me and exit the machine shop on Herbert (who has thankfully had its breaks fixed) ...
"Don't have a hangover Michael, stay p*ssed"he then admits once visiting Alcoholics Anonymous with Jedi Cack and coming back because they didn't have a bar there, finally he breaks into tears about Li££le Tony who has become so little that nobody can see him anymore.
Cheesy says he has sent a E-mail to him but he has not yet replied from America, he also wishes to say something that really hurts me and reduces me to tears as I write this, Oasis said he would do this to me as a result of his unkind remarks in my last publication ...
"You know Mick what has that poor sod, your son. Luke done wrong to deserve you has his father, to use your terminology he must of done something severely wrong to deserve this nightmare of a lifetime in one of his past lifetimes"
lt seems that I have encountered a couple ofneurones at Sellers that do not speak to each other, there is Oasis and Cheesy, The Crow and Dougle and seemingly Mike Bingham and Me? I really do not know what I have done wrong to Bob Hoskins but he won't talk to me.
The Bionic man says that Bob Hoskins has probably got nothing of significance to say to me.
lt is Saturday afternoon when I have sufficient sleep to return to this reality and I am presented with
r as I wake up presented with Jedess Becky with pocks, she has chickenpox!
I tell her that what happened to me after I had that hideous disease was that I grew a "Uncle Michael Nose" and maybe this could happen to her if she does not stay away from me, this is a result of White Grandma who says I might get Shingles.
As we all play in The Bradley Jungle, "You are really a good daddy to Luke" says Jedess Becky "but you drink too much beer Uncle Michael and I hate it when you smoke that stuff why do you feel the need to change your emotions Uncle Mad Mick?"
Jedi Master Luke and Jedess Becky are climbing a tree in the Jungle at Bradley, but not for long soon we are on our way to visit The Supreme Jedi Master Damian and we cross over the single track railway that in May 2000 will allow Huddersfield train passengers a direct route to Halifax and Brighouse. Cleopatra, Supreme Masters lady locks astonished as first Jedi Master Luke is deposited on top of the wall at the back of his house that hides the single track line in question, and then Jedess Becky is unceremoniously dumped there followed by my ugly mush.
I spend Saturday night at Queen Amidala's and all I remember is being asked politely to leave after I kept telling he I loved her again .. but I went home this time as soon as asked which made a pleasant change for once says Queen Amidala.
Queen Amidala did however look radiant as she dropped Jedi Master Luke back at my house Sunday morning, seems I was too P*ssed to take him hack to my house after my questionable drunken antics. "Your Mum looked absolutely beautiful Luke didn't she" I say to Luke
'That's cos' she has got Mr Muscle's coat on" says Luke
I do not know what was supposed to be funny about that last statement but it wasn't as bad as some of the sh*t I was busy writing this time last year .. love you all YZR69F
As You can probably see our newsletter has been undergoing a bit of a renovation and I must apologise for any problems this essential building work causes, this week the "Who's Who 2000" centres on our character previously known as Fast & Wobbly and he has now been renamed by our infamous fitting shop labourer, Magicman as "Teefal Features"
and of course I remain the half asleep mouse which Captain Beaky's new alarm clock seems to be having little effect on.
In return for this new alarm clock given as a gift from Captain Beaky he wishes me to carry a bit of a friendly warning in my next publication and also hopefully I will not be late ever again.
I have been told by our management to mention the fact that too many employees at Sellers are having "pretend poo ' s" and this is causing some concern in the board room, the individuals in question lock themselves in a cubicle and then stare into space for an unspecified amount of time. It is not just the valuable production time that is wasted that concerns our directors but also the quantity of water wasted when the particular employee flushes the toilet and emerges from the cubicle pretending they have had a poo when they haven't. Yorkshire Water complain in their letter that the amount of messages they receive as a proportion of the quantity of water is far below the average from-our pa~icular
Previously known as
"Fast & Wobbly"
company and the directors hope that as a result of this friendly message in "The Jungle Telegraph" that this practise will now cease.
Li££le Tony, our intrepid explorer of the world is now in San Francisco, I wish I had the bravery of this character, Cheesy says has he hands me the E-mail fromAnthonyat •• ynotna@hotmail.com ••• that I should too go for a tour ofthe world and hopefully never come back, he adds ..
"You are stuck in a rut with ajob with absolutely no prospects what so ever, you are single with only your son keeping you here". ..
Anyway here is the E-Mail From Anthony Stone .. Date: Sun, 06 Feb. 2000 18:21 :01 PST
HI AL,
Haven't had much chance to E everyone throughout the States but were having a great time, we've done DC, Florida, Texas, Utah and we're now in California .. This hostel in San Francisco overlooks both the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz, for $19 per nt. including Breakfast you can't go wrong. Anyway times running out we're leaving for Fiji on the 10 of Feb. so III contact you from there.
Bye for now Anthony at this point Li££le Tony disappears once again into the ether, if! emigrated I would probably end up in some Indian ghetto somewhere begging for food, sometimes I don't like leaving the confines of Bradley, but the world is now a global village in front of a computer screen. Cheesy says that there are certain places in India where you can live on as little as £ 1 0 per week and go out at night, Li££le Tony saved about £100 per week for ten years for this lifetime trip ofthe millennium and is therefore to have earned around £52,000 to spend!
Even at just $19 (that's about £12 ABS) per night Alcatraz sounds brilliant, David Beckham says it would be like looking down from Manchester road on to Sellers when he has a day off
Cheesy adds finally that in his E-mail to Anthony, he wrote lots of stuff and he definitely wrote more than he got back, but then again Anthony is Li££le isn't he, he can stash himself in his mates suitcase, no wonder he has got about a bit.
I might get myself a few Credit cards and disappear after him if my financial situations ever deteriorates, then you just after keep on the move says Au$$ie, anyway the only thing that keeps me here is the well being of my clone Jedi Master Luke .. my son who I have been told to watch over.
A day with Me ...
It is very early Friday and Numbnuts says outside the machine shop as I head off on my travels, "Ivor Wiggon is a good new name for Dick Travis and do you know, Mick, and Jedess Penelope is on the prowl again so watch out lads, The Bionic Man in our shop has had a lot ofsh*tfrom us lot in the Tin Shop after receiving a valentines card from the Jedess.
She then tried to get him to phone her using the receptions number and then tried to fool him using Mystics extension which made poor Billy think that they were all after him"
I am in the Paint Shop loading up with something and Dylan is helping me and also Dougle has banged his head on a cupboard door at home and he has a Indian Dot on his forehead.
Dylan is bragging about how he beat The Knight Rider 21/20 after one of his exorcet missiles gave Dylan a strike knocking both of The Knight Riders touching bowls away from the jack, this was by the way a couple of years ago.
I am now talking to Florence in the Paint Shop and we are discussing Alcoholism when Onslo appears through the wicket door at the entrance to the Paint Shop, walking like a buckled wheel he approaches us both. Onslo it seems is still looking for Stanley and I inform him that according to our new pervert and ex-employee Percy that he has moved to an estate on Moss Side near Manchester.
I then squeeze Sophie past them bloody rollers again that litter the floor of the Paint Shop, and I think that David Beckham that puts them there is a bit like one of them mops off the Disneys "Fantasia", you know them mops that Mickey Mouse commands to carry buckets of water into this cellar, only the buckets of water would be the rollers that David Beckham keeps depositing in my path.
Why doesn't he simply put them in a stillage at the side of his machine and then we will put the full stillage on the back of Sophie and take it into the Paint Shop.
Next I visit The All Seeing Eye for some motors that have to be taken to the Paint Shop as well, The All Seeing Eye says that he is not the captain of our bowling team but he is not sad at the loss of the Knight Rider from our bowling team. The Knight Rider has been bought by Bradley & Colne for an
undisclosed five figure sum and requires The All Seeing Eye to sign the release papers., "Will Michael Schofield contact reception, telephone call", says Sellers Tanoy,
It seems by the information just passed on to me via BT that Queen Amidala has bought Pet Shop Boys new single "You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk" for me for her valentine and she is jamming the Sellers switchboards in order to give me this information?
I am now back safely in the paint shop after somehow squeezing past those bloody rollers again and Dylan is busy spraying a motor on 35509 that is hung up on the crane, Ivor Wiggon my boss comes in and tells me to hurry up because Colonel Gadaffi is wanting Sophie as soon as possible.
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Dylan says that he is jealous about The Bionic Man getting a valentines card off Jedess Penelope because he likes Billy as well, he then tells me about last nights Horizon which I missed because I was at The Gossip Queens house awaiting a visit by Queen Amidala.
Queen Amidala didn't know I would be there on her weekly visit to her sister, now I know that personnel hygiene isn't my strong point but I hadn't had a bath for four days and in that time I had slept in my clothes so I don't think I made much of an impression on her, really she is just a good friend now- a -days she says but I didn't know you was so intelligent Mick, that last story was brilliant "You're a bugger" says Dougle with an Indian dot on his head jokingly "You are like a Tom cat with a queen in season, poking around are you, well you don't want to end up a lonely oldfoollike me" "Anyway" says Dylan a bit annoyed at all the side-tracking away from his subject of conversation ... "Last nights Horizon was about how they ground this mirror for the Hubble telescope that had a special curvature to focus photons on to another mirror and it took five years to manufacture but the first pictures from the Hubble Telescope were blurred like a child's painting.
It turned out that they had a speck of paint on the intrument that was designed to measure the shape of this "offparabola" curvature, just imagine if Sellers made it there would be finger prints all over the place, Colonel Gadaffi's Dockers in it, probably a variety of insects ...
'It will be alright yer c*nts' says Chiefy, 'referring to the finished mirror that is being sent to NASA in '84, 'We aren't to a cock hair'.
Just before I leave for the long journey to the fitting shop Dylan does an impression of Born 2B Wild driving the crane and mimics one of his past conversations with Florence .. "Er ... er ... er Clarky is your misses ... er .. is she er ... West Indian", he adds has I leave for the Fitting Shop that when you are with Born 2B Wild time seems to travel more slowly.
I arrive in the Fitting Shop and Magicman is on stage with his microphone ...
Magicman says ... "there are 3 nuns at the gates of heaven and the first one is asked a question by Saint Paul so she can enter 'Who betrayed Jesus' and she answers correctly 'Julius Escarriot' and is allowed in, and this same question is asked to the next nun who also answers correctly and is allowed in. The third nun says to St Paul, , My god love you have a big one' pointing to a part of his anatomy, 'Come in and we can have a good time' says St Paul.
Once again on the gates of heaven St Paul is questioning this guy who has just appeared, 'If you can spell love you can come in' he says, 'LiO, V,E'.
Okay says Saint Paul but before you go in can you do me a favour, can you look after these gates for a bit of a while so I can attend an appointment
So this guy is left in charge of the Pearly Gates and his wife appears, 'What are you doing here' exclaims the husband, 'I know you have loved everyone but before you enter heaven can you spell Tchykovski', ....
There are two Irish guys in a bar with a mirror facing them, 'that guy over there looks just like you' says one of the Irishmen, 'he does doesn't he' says the other Irishman, 'I think I will go and buy the handsome sod a drink', and with this he gets up poised to visit the bar.
'Hang on', says his mate, 'I think he is coming to buy you one'
My mother in law had her face lifted, Hi they nick owt' up Marsh"
Magicman goes on but its dinnertime on Friday and my memory is full but I have no pen to write it down, anyway its time to go pay my bills and yes as I walk up town with Colonel Gadaffi that crazy woman is there again, spewing her religious shite out to all and sundry .
... But.. Colonel Gadaffi has other ideas he is fed up of all this nonsense every week so he Au$$ie is walking speedily down Chapel HilI... '" "Hi Dave" I say as I run to catch up with him, "are you walking fast to get away from me?". .. he answers indignantly "If I'd of known it was you I would of walked even faster":
He then suggests that Wonderwood, my dad should be a non-playing captain of our bowling team, and it would also give him something to do, he could sit in the hut and do the cards .....
It is after dinner and I am delivering some bits to "person" in the fitting when I bump into my mutant dad hobbling around .. "Here dad why don't you be the new non playing captain of our bowling team? He refuses point blank saying it would be too much hassle ..
I inform Au$$ie of my dad Wonderwoods firm decision and he says "Our bowling team is definitely getting promoted this year, ,the last year of the 20th Century, when all the planets are lining up,
there is Capt. Beaky in conjunction with Capt. Wise, our bowling team rose up to third last year but sadly fell back to the bottom like a lead weight, I don't know Mick what to do about a Captain, I mean you would be the perfect choice Michael but you are too silly"
I ask Cheesy about all the planets lining up, I mean if God had meant astrology to be correct he would of invited just twelve people on to his planet Earth, one called Aries, one called Pieces .. etc ..
Cheesy says "1 myself think it is a load of nonsense, if you want advice on planets you ask somebody with a degree in physics, but that Russell bloke and Mystic Meg don't have such qualifications, I mean if you want advice about engineering you come to someone qualified on the subject ..
You don't ask Oasis, because, even if you could hear what he said it would be a load of nonsense because he isn't qualified on the subject he is talking about ... "
Just before I embark on my trip in the Sellers van to Hipperholme Rainbow Richard wishes to say that Jedi Master Rigsby Amway's new name for the week is Chumbawamba because he has dyed his hair, and that "De Rusty Varcken" has also a new name this week, sweep, because his dick sweeps the floor. Outside the fitting shop as I leave with Sophie, Capt. Beaky is contemplating about letting the canal people doing away with the bridge that crosses the canal that is being built through our works that enables access to the Paint Shop entrance, they have dug it out all the way to this bridge ..
Born 2B Wild assures Beaky that this access is not required after remembering the last time he used that entrance, has he opened the shutter door clouds of dried dust that had fallen off the wheels of Sellers vehicles are made airborne by the nearly gale force winds.
And all the paint shops occupants were involved in a scene resembling the video for Michael Jackson's "Earth Song", Florence says after the incident, "If that guy had a brain cell he would be dangerous". And has the sandstorm settled there was three camels and seated on one of them was The Crow with a turban on, Born 2B Wild says he didn't know it was that windy he also wishes to add ... "As a rule they should sandblast stuffbefore it is painted not after".
Finally Mike Smith, The Rainbow Warrior wants to know what I do when I sit in front of this computer screen and write these stories ... Indeed Mike, we find God not in the earthquakes, or the wind, or the thunder and lightning, but in a gentle whisper and when I meditate at this keyboard in front of my computer screen and feel totally relaxed I think I sometimes hear it.
The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious, it is the fundamental emotion which lives at the cradle of true art and true science.
He who knows it can no longer wonder, know longer feel amazement, he is as good as dead, a candle who has been snuffed out .. Jedi F*ckup's corner, Our Jedi wishes to say to us all before I once again depart company .... " When a girl counts up to 100 she usually finds it a mouthful when she reaches fackin 69 .. er I am a bit shy Michol being put on the spot like this,it was an experience seeing Michol at the Visage and he walked out with his fackin bowling shoes on and used somebodies car for a toilet. Then boy and girl got out and give Michol a mouthful, and Michol gave it back big time, he felt tough in his fackin bowling shoes but Jedi Master F*ckup saved the day by saying Michol has escapedfrom St Luke's to go bowlingfor Sellers. Michol is wasted at Sellers he could do a brilliant fackin job for The Examiner but Sellers would be lost without him, It is about
time he asked that girl in the office for a date approaches her ... "Here mate" says Gadaffi sarcastically, "can I give you a word of advise, why don't you print out some leaflets so we can throw them away and give your fackin voice a rest"
Colonel Gadaffi, The Pedantic One's boss says that The Pedantic one is stuck rigidly in his ways and his brain is hard-wired and no longer adaptable which means has time has changed the job he does has become confusing to him.
He adds, "What The Pedantic one needs is a big jolt of a couple of thousand volts through him and does the know, I am not sure if even that would wake him up"
Previously known as The Great One, The Pedantic One is the latest to feature with his boss in The Who's Who? 2000 and this character is very colourful indeed and after a hour of interviewing him I finally get past the pleasantries of the P's and Q's.
''My favourite drink, er driver is 1,1 dichloro, 1 fluoro-ethane, it is a lot cheaper than cans of super strength and it gives a much bigger buzz, however driver I wouldn't recommend having a cig whilst drinking the stuff".
Canal Restoration
I am in front of bay one ofthe Tin Shop building in Sophie and the canal restoration is coming on very well, it is even finished in the middle but at the end nearest The Lost World they haven't even started and at the other end they seem to be having severe problems because they keep digging the soil out then filling it back in again.
It is very windy today as I sit in the cab of Sophie, my observation point and a huge gust of wind rocks Sophie on her suspension violently at that same instant the builders Portaloo is knocked horizontal and out comes one of the builders looking a little dazed ..
All his work mates including the JCB driver down tools and rush to his assistance however he is not hurt and they all laugh about the incident heartily.
Current State Of Business
It is Friday morning when I go visit Mr FoIIickly Challenged, The Doozer and Deep Dave who are working on Tiny Tears, our infamous draughtsman's latest concept which is starting to take shape and might even work!
FoIIickly Challenged says that Tiny Tears was at B&Q for three weeks asking to look at carpets so that he could secretly copy their design of carpet dispenser.
The machine has a box section steel frame with two 2ft. giant cogs and a variety of electric pulleys, it is at this point Mr Follickly Challenged makes the observation that I am once again pissed and he blurts out "Here Mick have you really given up drinking", I assure him that I have and I am suffering withdrawal symptoms.
"You must just spill it all now-a-days, we need a name for this new carpet dispenser as it promises to become one of Sellers most successful products along with the Weird & Wobbly"
The Weird & Wobbly has been at No.1 of the machine sales chart for the last two months thanks to our boffin designer, Teefal features, indeed a three head Weird & Wobbly can cut better than a four
head version of its predecessor; The Wobbly.
Sellers carpet shears work very much like a fancy lawnmower only the lawn is fed through the machine, after it has come off the looms which make it, and it cuts all the unequal tufts down to one size and by increasing the number of cutting heads the carpet can flow through the machine faster thereby increasing production and hence profit.
At Sellers at the moment business is thriving and all our Captains look happy however they always say to us that they never make anything out of anything, although as our Joiner Dashing Dave says
about all these doors he his busy making.... '
"Sellers stand to gain £25,000 from that place across the road, our wages are negligible in the calculations for the cost, most of the cost goes on materials, however if it was the case that we made f*ck all surely Sellers would not be so enthusiastic to do them would they, I know that Captain Morecambe is only interested in things with a pound sign in front of them".
Current State Of Supreme Master Mick
I have got my first letter offmy neighbour at my new address, My Sanctuary and it reads ...
Dear Neighbour, r know you have only been living here a few days. But could r appeal to your better nature and ASK you to keep your radio down in the morning.
Has getting woke up at six is hard for me because r don't start work till three in the afternoon and r don't finish work till ten.
Therefore r am not getting the sleep r need. Sorry to have to write to you so soon, Please help me. Your Neighbour.
P.S. r will try not to annoy you either. thank you.
I apologise to my poor neighbour but if! am late again to attend my place of work I will be sacked after I received a written warning in order to get me moved here, so that is why my alarm is so loud but I have turned the volume down a bit and as a result I woke up late Saturday morning so I decided to give it a miss.
"You're home early dear" says my wife as I return from the Badger, I say to my wife .... "Oh I have come for a bit of peace, do you know dear, the Milkman was up there and he was bragging that he had been with every woman in Bradley except one"
My lovely wife says, "Oh it must be that miserable cow at No. 84'~
For the first time in years Queen Amidala my ex misses has broke her potential, she has started attending a computer word processing course and she has started being nice to me, she says that she has finally finished with XRl i and then she asks me while I was at her house Thursday night to drop her money off ...
"Mick why don't you hire a minibus and take us all on holiday, we will all pay our bit and you could take Donna, Richard, Cory, Sarah, Becky, Mark and Sadie as well"
Also accompanying me was Hypreme Master Damian who enquires ... "Is this some form of pass?" To this Queen Amidala shouts indignantly .. "He will only be the driver and he canf*ck off somewhere else after he has dropped us off" No wonder she used to be called Acid Tongue.
Anyway I have settled into my new environment very peacefully, I love the place, only niggly problems is the plumber I got from my dad to plumb the washing machine and gas cooker in has got the shits and cannot come until [Mon. 20th March 2000].
I am sat here at my computer terminal and it is Sunday morning and I think it is more fun owing Sellers a tenner for the hire of their van than £25 and on the receipt of my bowls from Supergrass I will pay but not until.
Talking of bowling their is a meeting for all you bowlers in the Social club this Friday [Friday 24th of March @ 8:30p.m.] and posters for this meeting will be delivered shortly to a notice board near you. Great fun going to work isn't it! my mate Hypreme Master Damian has just moved into a immaculate new home with a fitted kitchen and it is fully decorated and carpeted with all his £75 rent paid for by the government. I am meanwhile poor having to go to work and living in my Sanctuary without a cooker, without plumbing for my automatic washer and without carpets or wallpaper but at least I am psychologically better off working.
I might be better offbeing a asylum seeker, who are put in £100 per night rooms in hotels where they shout profanities out of the hotel windows at passing women and piss and shit all over the place. It was estimated by the Fitting Shops "Lada From Barnsley", that it cost a council down south nearly hundred grand to clear up all the rubbish left by one batch of asylum seekers.
Lada From Bamsley continues ... "It is a utterly ridiculous situation with all these Asylum Seekers, I have seen itfirst hand but yet our stupid Labour Government continue to let them in, can't they see they are being talcen for a ride"
I tell Lada From Bamsley that a lot of my friends from school left school for a life-time of Dole money because there was no jobs at the time, I at that time couldn't stand a life of boredom so I chose to go
on with my education and be driven absolutely crazy with equations about atoms.
These friends of mine are still on the dole today and they are mile better off than. me, but, I wouldn't trade my life for theirs, you meet no-one sat on your arse all day criticising others who are working and paying for their non energetic lifetime.
It is easy to cling to the line of least resistance, but when you work hard all day and here of a asylum seeker who has 2 wives and fifteen kids and he is being moved into a semi detached house so both wives are situated next door to each other, at a cost to the tax-payer at 32 grand per year before the benefits start you do start to wonder what is happening.
Maybe it is just me .. Maybe I am totally sane and everyone around me are insane and so to then I seem the insane one, hey that is a good theory ...
"That i§. something I have never had" says my brother The Tin Shop Poet waking me out of my dream like state as I tour the works .... "A TV License .. I mean what TV Licence officer is going to come round after closing time at the pubs"
I hide my little black and white TV behind piles of smelly underpants and socks .. I mean what TV Licensing Officer is going to look there.
Anyway the Laughing Cavalier wants a word with us all .... "It will end up with an extremist party coming into power if this government robbery continues .. Do you know Mick I once took some library books back late and the librarian pointed towards a notice which said. 'Bowling Meeting Friday Night 8:30p.m.' Oh No it said .... 'Late Books will be fined'. ... It was at this point I told the librarian I could not read and I got away with it. "
The Laughing Cavalier bids farewell thank god with following statement/joke delete as applicable .. "When there used to be dog licences, Pauline and Harry who live at the front of you used to lceep Dalmatians because the dog license was cheaper for black and whites"
I am now up town on a Monday dinnertime, and I am taking my library books back to the library, I had got a book about Uri Geiier but the pages had gc. somehow ripped ... I tell the iibrarian that I have a theory that Uri did it himself but she says I mustn't worry "my pretty little head about it" maybe I am in with a chance here I think as the librarian scans my face with here black and white eyes and an absent minded smile ... the world is in colour once again and I am living it.
As I return from the library having being mortally wounded being chatted up once again I meet Windows, I tell him of the collective observation of his fellow workers that he is always walking around deep in thought like he is always seeking a solution to a problem.
Windows says and I quote .... "1 am always walking about concentrating because I have reached a position in Sellers brain where I have to use 1 00% of my brain power to sustain this elevated position, despite my limited intelligence I seem to be in a higher position than you Mick ...
Whereas you Mick who uses a tiny fraction of your vast reservoir of depth of thought will know as you complete your tasks for your valid member of the Sellers team, that you will live much longer than me because I am always stressed out.
As I headed back from town with my new library books I had a even worse near catastrophe when I just missed my mum and her best friend Dizzy Sandra, they were heading towards me waving their hands but I did not stop for a chat but instead made a dash for it across the pedestrian crossing.
A Married Dizzy Sandra is bad enough but a single Dizzy Sandra ... that is fatal...
Electricity Cut In The Machine Shop
Onslo was on the scene within minutes ... but the pinnacle of his achievements is changing a light bulb and soon a nearby Twiggy offers his support because he has a bag full of ohms, amps and Coulombs
in his locker, "200 Amp ME.M " shouts Onslo but nobody knows what he is on about.
I go and ask Onslo if the token has run out in the token meter but I am told by him "Michael do not be so silly, you are an intelligent lad Michael why don't you use this gift you've got for something constructive, like being sensible for once"
At this point Joe Pasquali who's son certainly hasn't inherited his two shag pile eyebrows, Cuz Wally, Fixby, Marcus Stewart (who has his name tattooed on his arm so he knows who he is) and David Beckham fuck offhome at quarter to four, but it is reckoned by Beaky that even if they had stayed the savings for Sellers in electric would more than compensate for the wages.
Conclusion
Anyway it is quarter to eleven on Sunday morning in my new house which I realise will be my last... I have enjoyed entertaining you all with my life story, and I have also enjoyed working at Sellers but the only thing I hate is being stereotyped. See YA Later Supreme Master Mick YZR78R
As a change from the advertised slot about "The Rot Of Society" for YZR80RR I have decided to try and write another newsletter, but I want to be totally sober this time because I have just heard Madonna's new single "Time Stood Still" .....
I am no longer bothered that Jedess Mistress Penelope saying she was no longer bothered to be on my mailing list for my Jungle Telegraph because she was too busy, or, the fact that Queen Amidala was shouting across Huddersfield Ring Road for her money on Thursday dinnertime accompanied with her best friend Mrs Jalpotta who is going to start work as a cleaner for Sellers Travel.
All the world seems to be interested in now is taking your bit of money, greed has now dominated the social agenda, but, it does not really matter since we are all really spiritual beings having a human experience and weather we like it or not there is a Great Beyond out there ..
[Back down to earth Michael this is supposed to be a newsletter tell them about what The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society said about the fitting shop labourer Magicman ... ] SS.
Magic-mans Pork Pies
Magicman, a.k.a Tommy Noon wants to know which person was responsible for eating his pork pies that were left in the Pickup on Thursday morning, his boss Colonel Gadaffi said later about the incident, and I quote ... "Does tha not know I can think of somewhere better to eat someones Pork Pies than in the mucky pickup that has been left out in the sun all day".
Magicman it seems according to one employee who wished to remain anonymous is being taken to court by the RSPCA for kicking a tortoise to death, it had been apparently following him around all week and when I asked Magicman about the incident he said .. "Ijust snapped after a build up of problems, somebody ate my pork pies and then this bloody tortoise keeps appearing"
Now I must hand you over to Magicman for his bit about Asylum Seekers.
Hi Jack A Plane - Win A Council House by Tommy Noon
Good morning and welcome to a brand new series ofthe game ASYLUM- Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition ... "Hi Jack an airliner and win a council house". We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British taxpayer. And don't forget we are the fastest game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they dont hold a valid British Passport. You only need to know one
word ofEnglish:- ASYLUM.
Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands of pounds more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused, reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers; and remember the magic word ISJIUII
Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown by British Airways from Kabul to our international gateway Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous 4-star Hilton Hotel.
They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying at hotels over Britain. Our most popular destination includes the White Cliffs Of Dover, the World famous Toddington Service area in historic Bedfordshire and the money trees at Croydon. If you don't still understand the rules, don't forget there is no need to phone a friend or ask the audience just apply for legal aid.Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help and it won't cost you a penny.
So play today. It could change you life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali Guerrillas; come on down.
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't Stop in Germany or France. Go straight to Britain, and you are guaranteed to be one of the tens of thousands oflucky winners in the biggest game on earth .... Everyones a winner when they play ASYLUM.
A Message From Li££le Tony ...
You all mayor may not of noticed but our turner left Sellers this Christmas to tour the world and we last heard from him in February when he was in a hotel near Alcatraz, now he has visited Fiji and moved on to New Zealand, he keeps in touch with the Laughing Cavalier via the internet and here is his latest e-mail.,
Date Tue, 21 Mar 2000 22:44:50 PST
Hi AI, hope your doing well, cant remember when I last mailed you but anyway Fiji was :~ long enough, after a while unless you like beaches there's not a lot to do. From Fiji to NZ started in Auckland down to Wellington then west coast south island and east coast back up, at the mo were in Napier on our way back to Auckland to fly out to Sydney on the 30th, can't wait, its all been awesome so far
He is a brave lad going all round the world when I get homesick just going as far as Keighley Wednesday Morning @ Sellers and A Trip To Keighley
I arrive very early Wednesday morning at ten minutes to seven in fact and I am immediately congratulated by our star joiner Mr All But Smithy, he chuckles to himself when he jokes that Captain Beaky will think it is a misprint on his computer screen.
The failed fitter, my boss had given me a strict instruction to come to work "reasonably sober" this morning because I was going to visit Bronte country today ..
I noticed that the council tax hadn't nicked the usual fifteen quid out of my account this week on my way to work so my first job is to go see Oliver Cromwell to ask for some advice about what has happened .. Oliver Cromwell assures me that the council tax peoples computers are not connected to the councils computers and therefore the council tax people will not know where I have gone .. Good! I do one of my errands for The Failed Fitter that is to fetch a roller from Paul Weller in the tin shop and I ask The All Seeing Eye for the dates of the singles and pairs competitions so that I could compile my fixtures list for the coming season and I think his reply was very rude ...
"Er I am worrying about work for once that is enough about bowling"
Anyway John it is Okay worrying about work how about doing a little once in a while, I am Captain of the bowling team now and you wanted me to do the job. I have after many cans of super strength decided to drop you for The Millennium Challenge on April 15th and give some newer players like Tommy Noon a go ... no John I am only kidding ...
It is nearly break time and I will soon be going on my day out to Keighley and I decide to pass some time on by sweeping up some shrapnel round Mad Dog Dave's drill he says by way of small talk..
"It is not so bad working here at Sellers is it Mick. .. You would miss it you know, even Beaky has got some good points you know ... I remember when me and Jimmy Green went to see Beaky about something .. I forget what it was now [pay rise j. .. But. I came out of his office with Jimmy and we had been brainwashed into accepting a one way Beaky lecture about the future of the company and we felt that our arguments had been entirely side-tracked and washed under the carpet"
I am finally released from my straightjacket and let out in Sellers Transit Van and my first detour is to the housing place on ridings road so I can collect my £97 decorating grant which I was told would be £150, I am told by this nice looking girl who's hair style resembled a mop that "Allison" had probably took my rent arrears off the amount.
The girl with a haitstyle like a mop said my driving licence which I have taken to prove my identity needs its address changing, I am still situated at 136 Bradley road according to the DVLA and that was six moves ago.
I think I am in love with the girl from the housing who's hair is styled like a mop, and I asked her that I was a bit paranoid having been burnt before that there are no smoke alarms at my new address and she smiles and asks me for a date but I decline saying I cannot handle the emotional baggage.
[When I got home Wednesday night I found two smoke alarms fitted]
I told the girl with the mop head that some old codger below me will soon be complaining about my alarm clock in the morning waking her up and with that leave them to take a trip to my next destination Moss Metals ..
I walk inside the boring place and inform the miserable sod who signs the notes that Sellers have decided to find somewhere else to Nickel Plate their parts due to your very expensive policy of charging a £25 administration charge no matter what the number of items required to be plated. The miserable sod says that the administration charge is to cover-the cost of the idle pen pushers in the office, anyway I am now off on my travels to Keighley accompanied with this chain wheel from Falconers that I nearly forgot to pick up while I was in Brighouse.
As I leave Brighouse with a box of bits that have been plated bouncing around in the back ofthe transit I realise it was a real sh*t idea going to pick them up first .. I thought ofleaving them at the side of the road and picking them up on the way back but I thought that if somebody nicked them Sellers wouldn't be too happy with me .. so I persevered with the clattering.
My new mind observes that there is some sort of windmill power station when I see all these things whirling around and making me feel dizzy as I join the Keighley to Halifax main road and head towards Keighley.
The Pulse has just broke up as I head past the motorcycle course at Denholme and I have to resort to
~io I and miss my promised daily dose of Madonna's No.1 I this week "American Pie" which will be followed by her next hit easily her best song of her career called Time Stood Still written by myself and Queen Amidala about our historic friendship!
I have now parked the Sellers Transit van up in a car park in Keighley and I am on the worth valley railway visiting Bronte country ... Haworth village is bustling with old people and old people in cars I think as I visit the Bronte Museum.
On my return trip to Keighley somebody on the steam train informs me that Damens station is the smallest station in Britain, but I am enjoying my day out to "Glusburn" near Skipton
Thoughts I think are ethereal things I think as get back into the Transit and head for this strange foreign destination of Glusburn.
As I enter "Glusburn" even radio I breaks up .. and as enter the premises of Elison Metal Centre I am greeted by that crazy forklift driver who thankfully carefully puts our plated doors into the back ofthe transit van this time without writing off its doors
Somehow I Got Back For The Weekend ...
I miss Bradley, I miss my son Master Luke and I miss his mummy Queen Amidala but I think she now realises she destroyed my sanity with her abrupt severance of her feelings but I think we have both grown closer spiritually ..
Numbnuts has downloaded from the net Madonna's newest song called "Time Stood Still" and I do think that the lyrics very accurately describe my relationship with Queen Amidala aka Acid Tongue, it will be released soon in the wake of the disappearance from the charts of "American Pie"
Master F*ckup has been over for a visit and we have spent a lot of our time at Queen Amidalas house talking about the past when we all agree the grass seemed greener and the people happier, maybe it is human memory or could it be that the government are taxing us all completely dry.
Why does the past always seem to be brighter than the present, Why do I miss myoid love Queen Amidala so much but pretend I don't to myself but night after night I dream of her ...
I am sorry Chiefy I didn't come to work this Saturday despite promising I would but I fell back in love with Queen Amidala and her three kids Obi Wan, Master Luke and Princess Lea who I consider to be from now on my family .. YZR80RR ... See Ya Later
Well it is finally the Spring Bank Holiday and I have just come back from Mace and Donna's house after a couple of beers, they were accompanied by Jedi Cory, Mace's son, Jedess Becky Forests son and a daughter of an old school aquaintance called Shame.
I am supposed to later pick Luke, my son up from his mums Queen Amidala but at the moment I am making the most of my beer drinking freedom in my bedroom while I type at these keys on this keyboard. Well what have I written about things as the days have passed by, I firstwant to tell you all
about a bill I keep being bothered by, here it is... .
Final Notice? .
A few days ago, I r~evedll communication from a catalogue I had never heard of so I decided to have a little fun, the'eatalogile firm had had headed its letter with the words "Overdue Account" and in red and terse letters was "Dear Me Schofield".
And this it began followed by, "Despite a reminder we sent you: the amount shown is still outstanding, To put this account in order please pay it immediately"
I perused the document to discover how much this "outstanding amount" was and was startled to fmd it to be a mere £1.99.
I replied at once: "Dear Catalogue # 3454532198766 I am perplexed by your recent communication in which you describe the sum of £1.99 as 'outstanding' , surely you exaggerate To a man of my means, this is but a trifiling sum, a pifiling amount, a nurgatory specimen of the pettiest of cash. Had you seen the the demand from the gentlemen at Poll tax office that came by the same post, you would realise that your own bill was insignificant by comparison
I cannot believe that even to you the amount £1.99 is 'outstanding'. Please explain yourself. And perhaps you could also explain your suggestion that I 'put my account in order'. On one hand you are asking me to settle the account, while on the other you are telling me it is out of order.
Why have you sent me an out of order account?
I feel it is you who must put this account in order, and then perhaps give it my attention".
A Fortnight later I recieved another letter printed with the darkest and boldest black ink with the words "Final Notice" and informing me that if! did not pay the amount which it still referred to as 'outstanding', the matter would be referred to its debt collection department.
There was as per usual no referance to the points I had raised.
I responded without delay, "Dear Catalogue" your latest intemparate communication has left me more bemused than ever. I fear we must agree to differ on the question of weather £1.99 is, or is not an outstanding sum of money, but, two other items in your letter seem to me to be inconsistant. First, the words "Final Notice" appear to me to imply unequivically that I will not be bothered anymore on this topic .. Yet you go on to suggest that you debt collection department will soon cause me further disturbance. Please make yourself clear: was this a final notice or wasn't it? Also the referance to your debt collection department adds to my confusion. I had taken your previous to be strongly implying that you considdered I was in your debt to the tune ofa niggardly £1.99 and you were attempting to collect that very sum to nullify the debt.
If this is not a blatant attempt at debt collection, I should like to know what is!
Yet you now suggest that your debt collection department is still waiting in the wings. If this is the case, then who has been writing all these letters to me? May I suggest that in future when you want a debt recovered you put the matter promptly in the hands of the correct department. It could avoid a good deal of confusion".
I cannot believe the greed that this world seems to possess, it all seems to be orientated around the fundamental principle of money, and money it seems is the root of all evil, that is 'live' spelt backwards by the way, living on this earth plane has made me feel like I have to believe that the amount of money one posesses is the most significant attribute of one's personality anyway enough wafiling here is an intriguing tale about Luke at school and the dilemmas he faces ..
My son Luke In Class At Bradley School...
The Teacher says, 'Today Children] want you all to form a sentance which contains the word 'Contageous' "
They all must think of something or the teacher will get cross,
Samantha puts her hand up, she is the brightest in the class, "Please Miss my mum caught flu the other week and it is contageous"
'That is a clever girl", says The Teacher
Next it is Jedess Becky who puts her hand up pointing into the air for attention,
"Please Miss my mummy has got a strange disease which has got afunny name which is supposed to be contageous";
Very good says the teacher to the class, can anyone think of any more? Just then Luke puts his hand up ....
"My daddy Mad Mick started painting his house with a little paint brush" He says sarcastically, "and it took the c *nt ages"
That was a joke made up by. Lukes maternal grandmother and I have just been texted a message on my phone from Lukes mum asking where I am, we are making at Sellers a concrete block turner over machine designed by Tiny Tears and this promises to become a lucrative sideline if it is more succesful than his carpet dispensor ... {rest is CENSORED}
The Lady Who Lives Below Me Is A Bit Cross With Me
She says in her letter ....
"I asked you yesterday if you would stop the noise during the night. Well] want you to know that if you don't, I will be taking further action and reporting you to the council
I amfed up with not getting any sleep at night and also you are disturbing the other two sad old b*stards on the block: .. have some respect for us!
This also means not having your music on after l lp.m. Thank-you"
I have to put up with this stupid nagging old battle-axe who lives below me now and requires me to turn my music off every night at 11 p.m. which is fair enough but why does she have to hang her knickers right in front of my shed and hence in my eye every morning when I set off for work.
This then puts me on a downer and ruins my day and on top of this I have to listen to this stupid woman listening to her pre recorded Coronation Street and Eastenders though the floorboards every night when she gets home from her 3p.m. tilllOp.m. shift.
It is now 10 past eleven on Sunday during the spring bank holiday and I have kindlly turned my music off for the enforced eleven o'clock curfew which is made law by my kind neighbour.
She complains about my alarm clock that hopefully wakes me up to attend Sellers but I inform my sad neightbour that the council do not have a policy to deal with alarm clocks and hers is equally loud if I was sad enough to be in my flat when it went oft:
Is it my fault after all if she works from 3p.m until IOp.m. stupid b*tch
My final bit of text I have written was after a lot of mind altering substances and it concerned mainly my favourite fan, The Rainbow Warrior, so ifit is rubbish do not blame me ... I wrote it on Thursday night before passing out ...
I have changed from the personality I once was, and the process of change in the depths of my mind is helped by myself writing away at this keyboard, it seems to concrete my present, where I am at in my life and is perhaps starting to give a few possible future paths that have always existed in my mind in the past, these I often visit in my dreams as alternate futures.
Perhaps my biggest fan of my mail is strangely Sellers Accountant, The Rainbow Warrior, when I once told this to fellow Master Rigsby Amway he said "he had never known an accountant before who had a sense of humour but trust Sellers to be different".
I was at my lowest ebb I had been for ages in the dungeons of Sellers just having written the night before, it was Wednesday and I had written that rather cheeky account of the general atmosphere of The Fitting shop which included X-rated material.
To tell the truth at all the negative responces to my last few newsletters, were beginning to get to me, the silence of whispering which took place afterwards, "It was sh*t" said one unhappy reader".
The power ofthe mind is however extremely powerful, mine has seen more devastation in my Physical being that I have chosen to represent on this particular earthly journey, so the depression I escaped from by going into my newly veneered shell.
While everybody read my latest untitled and unsigned off pile of crap about "the price of coffee", "Admiral Pugwashes latest unopened bag of goodies", "that poor new addition to our drawing office" and some awfully rude jokes plus the bowling results.
1 decided to keep Growler stoked up with steel and The Failed Fitter wasn't short of bar codes neither and 1 try to keep my head down and be depressed like everybody else seemed to be, but not think about it its like being in your own world using blank stares of astonishment when anyone tries to talk to you. The Rainbow Warrior comes down down from his office into the dungeons of Sellers looking sad and depressed with my last story, 1 thought he was coming to complain about all the 'dirty jokes at first but he said when he reached me while 1 thought up an answer to what 1 would say.
"Here Mike there is a page missing"
1 told him there was only two pages and he had the two pages
"Well Mike you forgot to sign off, you always sign off when youv'e finished"
God it does feel good when someone makes you feel special, you know like when you do real well in an exam at school and everyone is looking at you ...
'~nyway Mike, [he gives me a Regal] there is no flagging of interest at my house, my wife who is a teacher reads them and my son still reads them all, incedently my wife who has been going to Buddhism classes said that your philosophy [when I get deep] is very simular to buddhism"
This strikes a chord in my mind so 1 tell him... .
The Rainbow Warrior, something happened to me when I got burnt in 1990 while fooling around petrol sniffing like you do when you ride a RD350LC, 1 had finished my degree and was working for the summer at Sellers and despite all my achievements I still had no job but had chronic depression from a combination of my inhalant and my-lack of interest in "the system" that had lead me here from being a really happy kid.
1 got burnt and I will spare you all of the details safe to say that I had also fallen rather stupidly with a girl under sixteen now called Queen Amidala, but such is the tidle wave of information flying about nowadays it is easy to be a bit confused at times.
I had a lot of strange experiences while I was at Pinderfields, one day I will write to ask them if they remember me? which 1 suspect they won't such is the pace of the NBS now-a-days, when 1 feel ready 1 will probably write a good book about it ....
Years later in the "supernatural" section of the library in Huddersfield I had never visited before a old book called Yogi Philosophy which I read in what 1 then called the Jungle, [Bradley Quarry] and it made me realise finally for myself what everything meant.
1 took notes from it in 1996 and wrote some 12 very deep "stories" on my computer after 1 had moved back to my mums to live, these were to form my philosophy before I ventured forth into the real world of crazy stories of my life.
These twelve stories form the base of my belief and I use them to the best ability I can.
If that is the basis of the Buddhism faith I don't know, but that book I got from the library was brilliant, I went back to nick it years later but it had gone and I have never seen it again, it was called simply "Yogi Philosophy".
From this I went on to write all sorts of crazy stories about the antics of me and Sellers because I got bored during the times in between when I did not do this, it is a case of what to do when you talk to yourself, the best Jedi Master to see about positive thinking also works at Sellers.
The Rainbow Warrior then changes the subject to my story about my cat called Sooty, he says he is simular natured with his cat, a queen but he failed to say her name.
"She snuggles up in bed between me and the wife and also our cat taps me on the head when its time to get up in the morning ... WILL MIKE SMITH RING 22something IMMEDIATELY"
signifies the death of our conversation but I felt better to my friend The Rainbow Warrior, he remembers in days of old Mad Mick sat at the boardroom with the directors of the company and he drew on blackboards those were the days of the multi coloured rainbow teams of feedback.
Can 1 just say if this newsletter gets on your nerves just why did you read it, anyway The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society says he has worked here at Sellers for 41 years so he deserves under Pugwashes rules perhaps a week off but with a paid holiday on concorde See Ya Mad Mick YZX87F PS That lady who lives below me sent me a letter this morning [Tuesday] and it read ..
"Thank you so much for your letter. I can see you are a really nice man. Hope you understand all we want is to sleep peacefully at night. Thankyou again for been so understanding, hope you enjoy living here and wish you a happy future, all the best your Neighbour Sandra"
I had written on the bottom of her letter that poem about a Doggie, you know he asks me no questions, he tells me no lies and when I address him he looks slIlIight in my eyes oonIent with little he never despairs and all your troubles he lovingly shares, he asks no questions he tells no lies ....
says that he has always been a very big fan of the children's program "Rainbow", you know the one with the theme-tune that went something like "Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow Climbing over the sky, Paint the whole world with a rainbow de daa de doo"
He remembers how a man called Geoffrey was in charge and there was a rather dopey bear called "Bungle", there was an incredibly stupid hippopotamus called "George" and you never saw his feet
because he was behind this strange wall with his mate called Zippy. .
Now Dave has always wondered what sort of animal Zippy was, he wishes to put this question out to all you readers because this question has perplexed him for years, he said he once phoned up the TV company that used to broadcast Rainbow and asked them what sort of species Zippy was.
They declined to give him any answers. .
Dave has however since been told that Zippy is supposed to be a snake, but that does notmake any sense to him because he has never seen a snake on the wildlife programs that even vaguely resembles a thing with a head like a Rugby ball and a big zip for a mouth.
Mad Dog Dave however does suggest that maybe they would be good characters to represent Sellers Paint Shop, which started life in my newsletters has being Tele-tubbies then went on to become a few of the characters from the magic roundabout and then John Anstock branched off on his own to become a character from a film called The Crow, he was also called Mr Ball-cock at one time as well. Mick you could name Clarky, Zippy because he never shuts up, er John would be George and of course Steve would be "Geoffrey" because he is in charge and that makes Geoff appropriately "Bungle" and he is a bit like that character anyway.
I cannot make Steve be called "Geoffrey" because he would be confused with the real life Geoffrey but Magic man from the fitting says that Steve's new name would have to be Mo Mowlam, one of New Labours strange female employees.
MAD DOG DA YES new names for our Paint Shop:
Geoff Wood BUNGLE John Anstock GEORGE CROW
Steve Davies MO MOWL~M: Canute Clarke ZIPPY
I will listen to the feedback from everyone Dave and if these new names are accepted I will implement them immediately.
New Train To Brighouse
The first passenger train for 30 years stopped at Brighouse station on Sunday 28th May. On Monday 29th of May, there was the first cancellation. A second followed on Wednesday.
Train Operators Northern Spirit said driver sickness over the holiday weekend was to blame. After a hard-fought campaign, £6m had been spent rebuilding the station, replacing track and signalling and renovating bridges.
But, to make matters worse, TV information screens were either switched off or displaying misleading times. A public address system at the unstaffed station was not used either.
The cancellation ofa rush-hour service on Wednesday left disgruntled passengers waiting a hour ... "I think it really defies belief' said Martin Bairstow, a partner at Sutcliffe and Riley chartered accountants in Halifax.
Re-opening the rail link between Huddersfield and Halifax required Government cash and agreement between Calder dale council, the West Yorkshire Passenger Transport Authority, Rail track and the train operator Northern Spirit.
Northern Spirit said the link could cut travelling time between Halifax and Huddersfield by almost two-thirds.
A Northern Spirit spokeswoman apologised for the cancellations ...
"Unfortunately we did suffer from train crew shortages due to high levels of short term sickness which we have been experiencing during this busy holiday period" she said ...
Reproduced from Yorkshire Post dated Friday 2nd June 2000 ...
It was this Saturday when me, my son Luke and my niece Rebecca decided to get a train to Brighouse, we had once used the old Railway line that now offers a connection to the Calder Valley line has one of our Saturday afternoon walks.
If any of you know where the Woodman Pub is on Leeds Road, you will know there is a road down the side of it which now visits the Sh*t-works, this road is called "Station Road" and it once visited Bradley Station 3/8/1847 - 4/3/1950.
At this point a branch line has now been re-opened which passes under where Bradley Road and Leeds Road meet and under the White Cross in a tunnel which was once one of me, Luke and Becky's many hang-outs.
The re-opened train-line goes past the "black track" and Lower Quarry Road where Luke learned very quickly how to ride his bike before joining the Calder Valley line at Witches Wood, which is where we all camped over The Easter holidays with Uncle Mr Muscles.
Rebecca said that the last time she had been on a train was when she was very little and she went to see her mums dad, at this point we arrived at Brighouse Station which has two platforms and a even a car park, has it said in the local press however all the TV displays were blank.
The train however does not stop at Deighton so there was little point financially in getting a train back but the fare was only £2 for all ofus so we set off to find a Mac Donald's in the town of Brighouse to spend the rest of Granddads money he had allotted us for this once iii a'Iifetime adventure.
There are in fact no off- licences or Mac- Donald's in Brighouse, so we all ended up in a barbers doorway eating fish and chips whilst sheltering from the rain, before we set off walking back to Bradley .. but we all agreed that the new train to Brighouse had been worthwhile.
Mobile Phones At Work
During this weeks Production meeting mobile phones were brought up in the agenda, it was decided that the proliferation of mobile phones was a drainage on the company however Captain Morecambe decided not to ban them out-right.
Stroll On agreed that his department was "most to blame" and agreed to have a private word with the major culprits involved, mentioning no names, "I have known" he added after the meeting, "That some of my men phone each other up on their mobiles to tell each other they are going to the toilet". I personally along with my friend Mutley think mobile phones are a good idea, since private calls no longer come through switchboard and thereby allowing a empty line for the steady flow of orders for Sellers revolutionary new Weird & Wobbly.
Also usually incoming calls through Sellers switchboard are either an expensive and annoying tanoy call or require your supervisor to come and collect you from your post to take the call in their office.
I personally now have a mobile and my few friends I have left prefer now to phone me privately rather than advertising it all over the works with the respective receptionist listening in, but they only do this now in an emergency due to the extortion ate cost of mobile phone conversations.
Most however prefer to send me a text message, and my mobile also allows The Failed Fitter to keep in touch with me when he sends me out in one of Sellers vans delivering, The Failed Fitter says "If I send Mick to Brighouse and learn there is another pickup to make near there I can phone him up on his mobile phone and ask him to do this"
In General
The Canal has now been built under the works and it has now been all tarmacced over and apart from the incident when the tarmac machine nearly fell into the river Colne when the banking collapsed it has all gone relatively smoothly.
The Builders are however now building a huge wall that will hopefully stop Manchester Road Collapsing in on us before building the new Grinding / Electricians building, however this re-inforced concrete wall looks a really dodgy thing to make.
The Builders have a huge 20 foot tower of twisted metal that is to be sandwiched by two huge wooden moulds that also are 20 foot tall, and when they have finished they intend to pour concrete into it to form the wall before filling behind the wall with hard-core.
Finally in the final stage ofthe 5 million pound operation to re-open the Huddersfield Narrow Canal they are going to demolish our old Electricians / Grinding building and rejoin to the remains ofthe rest of the canal which travels to Manchester.
I cannot see that many people wanting to travel on this stretch of canal, I mean who enjoys views of disused mills, tyre dumps, dark smelly tunnels, unruly kids bricking you and smelly chemical works, it is hardly Stratford with their picturesque scenery.
Bowling
I must remind you all that the notices for The Sellers Singles Bowling 2000 are due to be posted on to a notice board near you today. The date of the event is Sunday 25th June and a Buffet will be served, the venue is of course at Farnley Tyas BC, lets hope as many as possible come to enjoy the atmosphere this year as I try to defend my title as Winner of 1999's competition, you know when the force was w
this was the second anniversary of "Tour Of Sellers", my first readable account of our work place. 
