JungleTG

Getting In at the deep end . . , The art of communication is the thing that distinguishes us humans from animals which we are said to of physically evolved from many hundreds of thousands of years ago man started using symbols and sounds to communicate with each other and as time went on this developed into the spoken word.

Information could be then passed from the wiser of the humans to the next generation of humans and this was the status quo until the next quantum leap in human to human communication was developed by the written and then printed word which could be passed on down the generations in the form of books and now we have the internet where information is passed round the ''Global Village'' at the speed of light..

The passage of information between people is analogous to the way our brains work; in the human brain there are estimated to be about 10,000 million neurones all having chemical ''chats'' with each other and once thc number of communications get beyond a critical number a strange phenomena occurs The brain becomes a radio receiver to the ''life force" and mind develops only in humans on this planet have reached this critical number and they are the only species to be able to use our ''thoughts'' so constructively (or destructively whatever the case may be).

Now as we enter the Aquarian age of the 21st century we are all on the precipice of the Spiritual Revolution Physical evolution is just one side of the coin accepted in our materialistic society and this comes from our past ancestors however there is also Spiritual Evolution which comes from the future. The Black Sheep of the Sellers Family, Jedi Master Mick has been trying to reach the next level of human consciousness by using these newsletters or whatever you care to call them to bring you the conversations that go on in the Sellers Collective Brain so read on and discover the force for yourselves. The Supreme Spirit. I cannot stop writing these news-letters now even if I wanted to sometimes it does make me very tired and other times I just cannot seem to switch offend relax but overall I think this writing marathon is good for me even if I do sometimes write a absolute load of ballocks The Balloon Warden on only just said to me today. Wednesday 2nd February 1999 that it has taken me over 30 years of my life to completely come out of my shell however I cannot stop now for I have traveled so far to save this lonely heart I seem to possess in this incarnation.

The writing expedition has been my social life and has helped me overcome insurmountable social mountains and if I give up I could easily end up back in the goldfish bowl again with The Goldfish.

however as I reach the peak of one mountain there is another on the horizon that is even higher and such is life when you feel you have arrived somewhere you find another adventure waiting for you.

Jedi Master Mick.

This Gives Me A Great Idea For A Story..., Back to the Shallow end... f*ck philosophy I arrive at my destination at The fitting and it is Monday morning at Sellers, ''which clever bald headed c*nt has left a van parked right in front of the Shutter doors '' says Phil Pipe who is disparately wanting these panels that I have on the stacker truck.

It sects that our director Captain Wise does not want to mucky his is shoes with all the mud that is churned up by the builders who are building a canal through the middle of our beloved works and he also does not want to mucky his company car en route to the Fitting shop so he uses one of the works vans to transport himself to the Fitting shop when the need may arise. I have spent all the morning doing the Tin Shop and the Fitting Shop labouring since Numbnuts (the kinship labourer with his own office) is off work and is moving for the third time on the same street in Bracken-hall and Magic man has spent all night on the internet and has blobbed this morning.

Anyway I drop the panels off at the fitting after Captain Wise has moved his van and on my way back to the Progress I have a word with Dylan, the paint shop elder and I try my best to lift him out of his depression, but he has lost his faith in the life force as he tells me..

''When people are dead, they are dead and as for reincarnation what is the point of learning from past lives if you cannot remember them, Mediums prompt their sitters with leading questions..

I mean they may start off their seance usually with 'You have lost somebody close to you', course you bloody have or you wouldn't be there in the first place'' Clearly Dylan has lost his faith in the next dimension of our existence and I really don't want to get too deep again but I do wish to say that with anything in life that makes money there are tricksters and sadly Mediums are no exception. Some may use leading questions and others make use of telepathic signals from the sitters mind but there is a hard-core of well trained mediums who do seem to be in contact with the world of spirit and are able to distinguish the signals from the sitters mind and that of their disembodied relative.

Contrary to popular opinion science does not either prove or disprove the existence of other dimensions and when brought under the microscope the physical world disappears into a world of formless energy fields that are responsive to the collective mind that observes them.. we really create our own reality by our beliefs and these are usually brainwashed into us from birth by the media.

It is Tuesday morning at Sellers and Cheesy says he spent Monday night surfing on the internet, he has discovered to his surprise that Sellers Band have an internet site, where incidentally you can put in your credit card number and receive a copy of their latest CD entitled ''Ding Dong Merrily On High", there are also lots of links where you can be introduced to the band members.

He was also very surprised to find that Sellers Engineers have also got a web site consisting of a sad lonely page and this lists all the latest cockups that Tiny Tears is capable of making.. you can also purchase the brand new ''Horizon Excel'' (better known to the rest of us as the ''Weird & wobbly) if you have your credit card handy or indeed somebody else's you wish to make bankrupt.

Cheesy suggests that the Sellers Engineers Web site should have like its band some links to introduce the poor guys who work there...

For example: name OASIS; Labour supporter until Tony Blair came to power, current status ''disillusioned''. and he is also very grumpy and anti-social he also wears Edible underpants and regularly attends Ann Summers parties.... you could then have a picture of him working his lathe in the corner of the machine shop.. each employee would have a similar profile suggests Cheesy.

Oasis says in response to this criticism by Cheesy with the following quote.. "I am not grumpy, it is just all the other silly c*unts that work here, the fitters are screaming for jobs and all Cheesy is doing is f*cking around sharpening tools and messing about on the internet.. Mr 10% is what he is '' It is Tuesday afternoon and I arrive in the machine shop with some rollers that have forgotten to be key-wayed and in my path is Chiefy unloading some frames for another Webtex machine that is designed to make seatbelts for cars, I offer to help with the unloading...

'Its Bloody marvelous'' says Chiefy angrily, ''with you lot in the Progress as soon as the job is done you pop out of the woodwork, why don't you f*ck off back to where you was hiding and let me-finish the job... What? why don't we use our profiler to cut these frames, we want them doing right not like that silly c*nt over there, Numbnuts. Mick listen just f*ck off out of my sight!'' Eventually he calms down remembering his visit to the vets the week before and leaves me to unload the wagon that has arrived so that I can get the rollers into the next bay.

Wednesday 02/02/00 I ask Cuz Wally if he has any tobacco so that I can have my fix of nicotine and I am told...

''The government is losing £2 billion per year in lost tax on tobacco and as a result they want to make an example of all these illegal smugglers '' Yes but if they wasn't so greedy in the first place we wouldn't have a problem, I mean you can go over the ferry from Dover and buy 50g packs of tobacco for £ l .30 and easily sell them in the UK. for the black market price of £ 3, in the shops if you can find a shop that sells 50g packs they retail at nearly £ 8, so no matter what the government do they're will be always those who are willing to take the risk and reap the financial reward...

I ask Chiefy about the possibility of using a Sellers van over the weekend to fetch some tobacco for all our nicotine withdrawn machinists but he says..

"I am told they are all booked up by the fitters for the same reason, smuggling tobacco is what keeps Sellers from going under, it is our main money spinner'' It is starting to look like I may have to give up smoking however their is always Colonel Gadaffis dockers but even these are starting to dry up! I am now in Sellers Painting Department and it seems that Mr Ball-cock wants another name he hates this one it makes him feel like a leper... ''it is a terrible name, Poe was alright, Hermingtrude my next name was worse but MR Ballcock makes me sound like a pervert why can't I have a good name like everybody else has I give you my newspaper every night and you treat me like this Mick, either a better name is thought up or the generosity will cease '' I then give Mr Ballcock the opportunity of a lifetime and I say to him you choose your own name and I will comply, after I suggest Darth Maul or Dylan suggestion ''The Fire starter'' cos' Dylan says he looks like the lead singer of "The Prodigy" .

In the end Mr Ballcock will be known from now on as The Crow as he feels he has the supernatural influence of the character in the film of the same name.

Back at Sellers Chiefy feels that they are finally making money, well if they cannot make money on a machine called Dalsan that is being built in the Fitting Shop however it is so huge that some of the fitters are stationed at Longroyd bridge on the end part of the line then it is time to give up.

l'm now cleaning Au$$ies machine out and Au$$ie says that the coin I have found amongst his swarf is probably a ''Octavarian Victorious" dropped by Born 2B Wild during the last century when his machine was last cleaned and the wire I was electrocuted by was that left by Crazy when he last attempted to fix the emergency stop 5 years ago and he is still to this day promising to finish the job.

I am now back on Growler, our automated saw and The Balloon Warden once again attempts to tell the storemen about Humphrey, electric Truck #4's breaks that are simply non existent.

The All Seeing Eye keeps forgetting, but, there is no point in telling Supergrass...

I am still waiting for my bowls coming back from last year when I left them at Jackson Bridge, the Balloon Warden says that Supergrass is like a Goldfish when it comes to memory... anyway our masters of the transport have been once again reminded about the state of Humfreys brakes..

So when Humfrey takes some unfortunate soul through the Paint Shop shutter door our bums are covered. It is Wednesday dimer time after another morning spending my time transporting Tiny Tear's cockups between the departments at Sellers, all the drawings contain the dreaded ''drawn by SMH'' and Au$$ie reckons that his middle name is ''Mummy''.

It is Wednesday afternoon and I cannot imagine what is on the Trigger and Gary Glitter Kids games CD that is sellotaped to the guillotine in the Tin-shop as I once again visit Numbnuts for a cig.

How can the government outlaw smuggled tobacco that is many time cheaper abroad thanks to their greedy tax, and for that matter how can they outlaw cannabis, I cannot wait until 2002 when they finally allow in their infinite wisdom the legalization of THC tablets that contain the active ingredient of cannabis to allow poor arthritis sufferers a reprise from their suffering.

I will suddenly have arthritis and give up smoking the stuff now a days the coppers will turn a blind eye to some b*stard robbing a bank but will come down on a ton of bricks on some poor old bastard crippled with arthritis who smokes a joint for some brief relief from the pain or somebody who wants to make a little bit of untaxed money bringing some baccy from somewhere where their government do not rip you off for escaping from the reality that they create.

Twiggy finally sorts me out with a little bit of tobacco that makes this three pager possible, however we are approached by Beaky and we fool him by pointing at the variety of rollers that litter the machine shop floor and discussing the weights that need to be cut to keep them balanced so that they do not cause a drag on the motors that drive them.

But Beaky has a darker side to his conversation that is taking place with Chiefy as he watches our every move, his latest suggestions contain proposals to lower the caffeine intake of the works employees....

1) Tokens similar to a Jet wash Machine at a garage, where employees would receive a fixed quota for the week of tokens to buy coffee and this would be subject to a brownie points scheme 2) Closed Circuit TV cameras giving rise to a league table of no of coffee's against name of the employees, similar to the lateness of employees and the worst employees for caffeine abuse are put on severely embarrased 3) Turning Coffee Machines on only at break times or during dinner breaks this would also save on electricity as well as put an end to the epidemic Anyway TOMNOON@UKONLINE.CO.UK is the new place to visit if you are on the web ...bye...

Fixby is now officially engaged to his fiancee Nikola Fixby has been on holiday for two weeks in the Canary Islands and he has come back officially engaged to his fiancee Nikola... He says.. ''When I was there a met the Chawawi Tribe on one of our trips through a dense jungle one of them who spoke little English approached us both and put on our wrists some strange thread with beads threaded onto it.

He then sealed it I thought it was some form of good luck charm until he told us to cough up 3000 pas. (about £ 12) so I offered to pay 1000 pas but I was told 'You pay her 3000 pas. ' and a big woman approached with a knife stuck between her tits So I paid her 2000 pas. and f*cked off quick that was £ 7 down the drain'' Good Luck to you Jedi Cack you always seem to land on your fee! somehow still we all have something about us that makes us all unique.

Just been to watch ''Toy Stories 2". and I would give it 10/10 Me Becky Master Luke and Forest all thought it was even better than Star Wars and I think I needed a break from all that sh*t I will now drop the word ''Jedi'' from my vocabulary. lets just now assume every reader is one.

But the film did have a bit of Star Wars in it when two of the toys faced each locked in a bitter battle of ping pong balls and false lasers and one of the toy robots says ''You killed father" to which the other Darth Vador like robot replies "I am your father" he is then thrown off the lift roof they were travelling on and falls into the abyss below which is the lift shaft after being pushed by a toy dinosaur.

They were last seen playing a friendly father and son game of catch. with the robot representing the son saying "At last I have got a daddy"

But don't let me try to describe it, go and see it, it is a must for those with a sense of humour like mine and presumably yours if you have read this far, my best recommendation comes because it even made my brother Forest laugh! ! ! ! ! So what is happening with this canal that is being built through our engineering works then well I go and ask one of the men, though I have no idea what his name was..... He says if we all like we can go for a walk through it before the sluices are opened, I ask him if they are ahead of schedule...

'No Idea mate'' he says while taking some hooks off a miniature digger that a bigger digger had just lowered down a hole, What is this hole for some sort of escape hatch ... 'Its a ventilation shaft for the fumes to get out '' he answers sympathetic to my limited intelligence, well I must be thick I am a labourer who get in our way all day with those damned electric trucks carrying stupid things.

I ask him how soon will it be before you reach the electricians shop / lost world and what will they do after that.. he answers ''Oh it will be 2 to 3 weeks and after that will carry on until it is opened Oh and before you ask another stupid question I haven't the foggiest what's happening at the other end, I could see in your mind the question forming'' and with this he terminates his conversation by disappearing down the hole where the miniature digger has just been put.

The puncture (edited version) The Failed fitter asked me to take some machined parts to Moss Metals near Brighouse and on my return I took a detour down Bradley Road, so that I could check on my flat and pull the curtains on and switch the light on as well as purchase two examiners from Bradley Newsagents.

After taking if five minutes I then proceed with the van from my flat and turned right up Alandale Road, Something is dreadfully wrong with this vans steering I think and at the same instance I observe in the rear view mirror that the drivers side rear tyre is in fad flat.

I limp along until I get to my Spin doctors house who luckily lives up there, Master Mace Windu who is shacked up with Dominating Donna who works at the newly opened LIDL at Huddersseld.

I Then used their telephone to inform Sellers and Supergrass of the situation and luckily as the force would have it he was in reception with Lady Laughter when I phoned, Supergrass admitted he had ''no idea'' how to release the spare wheel, so I was left in the dark and it was also getting dark.

Supergrass assured me he would leave the roller shutter door open into the Progress so I could park the Transit up for the night when the problem was sorted out.

Well Me and my friend Mace got to work on the problem presented before us... a punctured Transit van, at first we unscrewed some of the boards that cover the van base to see if our joiners had covered over some bolt to let the spare wheel be released but there was nothing.

Finally somebody, I think it was Becky had the bright idea of consulting a handbook and yes, in the glove compartment there was one, only problem now was we couldn't get the special tool that hides at the back of the passenger seats into the hole that lowers the spare wheel because the bumper had been deformed and partially covered the hole.

Luckily Mace had a crowbar and we got the spare wheel free, well at least it would be if it wasn't attached to this metal cable attached to this corroded and bent up clasp that we could not thread through the hole in the centre of the spare wheel, however many beats from hammer + crowbar it did.

Mace undid the bolts on the flat tyre's wheel, which was only flat at the bottom and with the excellent instruction manual the rest is history, I arrived back at Sellers at 6p.m. and I clocked out at 6: 15 pm and was let loose back into the darkness of my paranoid sober mind as I gingerly found the paint shop door in the pitch blackness of the machine shop.

From Now On This is then guide for What to do if you have a puncture-.-?

1) Do not call Tony Swallow if it is past 4pm 2) Look at your flat and notice that it is only flat at the bottom, contemplate this...

3) Do not damage the tyre, if you are on the move when an abrupt disinflation occurs stop immediately 4) And... always remember that all your actions will be endlessly debated around the works so summon up as much ''common sense'' as possible.

5) But if the vehicle is so purely maintained that the spare wheel can no longer be accessed then walk back to Sellers and leave the vehicle abandoned and this way you will not damage the punctured tyre and Sellers would not have to face expensive repair bills because the van will have been stolen.

Cheesy Says About Oasis... Oasis says 'bout Cheesy. you know and other trouble making remarks Cheesy says that he and Oasis were like brothers until the dreaded redundancy days of 97/98 when we needed to vote on a representative to be present at the directors meetings where they would decide who is for the chop.

Cheesy says he obtained 23 votes and Oasis got just one and it has since been suspected that Oasis in fact voted solitary for himself, he also adds that he would rather be Myriah Hindley than Oasis.

Oasis says when I tell him of these unkind remarks ''Cheesy is just a.... sad old man!" I wonder why Cheesy hates Oasis so much, I just wish everybody would end up equals and talk to each other feeling that ways that is the way a healthy body develops... with synergy...

The Chairman Of The Mass Debating Society {COMDS} says that he had now worked nearly 40 years for Sellers and he still hasn't got the sickness protection of an office lass who has worked here 3 months, I like working at Sellers but I hate the ''Us & Them'' attitude.

The Incredible Hulk aka Andy Atkinson is very upset at Sellers decision to not let him deliver the Brockway baby that he has so carefully nurtured he says about the event... "you can do a hundred jobs rightful Sellers and just drop one bollock and they are down on you like a tonne of bricks, just ask Creeping Jesus, Oh no don't write that.

They have took me off the Brockway job but Captain Beaky will not tell me the reason why but it cannot be that the bosses down there do not like me they all got on with me like a house on fire, I think it was because my new misses lives down there...

They think that the time I booked to 35498/99L.. was for work of the more shall we say biological nature, but it is not true I like Sellers and just feel very let down by them'' Listen Andy and don't turn all green I will show you what it means to Sellers to be one of the ''them'' Sellers employees, when I ask a Sellers management representative namely Captain Beaky for a letter to the council explaining that I am always late because of my environment I live in.

He made it clear to me that a) We do not give a toss about your activities whilst you are not working for Sellers and b) You drink to much Michael and do not know when to say ''no''...

'You say you have written a lot of letters to the council well was they sensible because if they were just stupid letters like the ones that get passed round the works I am not surprised they are ignored, It is no concern of mine what problems you are having away from here as long as you are here on time'' He says in order to terminate the conversation with me because he doesn't like me....

Anyway I have decided to meet the head of the council's equivalent of ''The Samaritans'' The Area Housing Manager and this will take place at 9:30 am on Wednesday 1st of March 2000 and here is the speech I sent down the phone line in order to achieve this current state of affairs.

"I am Michol and I live at 98 Keldregate and I wish to be moved to a quieter area of Bradley. there is a empty house on Fallow Croft so why can't I move there I am at work all day while my current flat is left vulnerable at the front of the shops it is in the craziest area.

I Have been burgled twice and had a traumatic attempted burglary twice with on one occasion the culprits actually entering my flat with me in it... I was told by the Police that if had hit them with that piece of bar I would of been behind bars.

Round the back of me and Moss Chop's flat we have two sheds, both the sheds have had there windows smashed and there doors kicked in and despite me putting numerous locks on my own shed it seems that I cannot own the bastard Inside these sheds are discarded lighter fuel canisters and I have even found the odd discarded hypodermic needle, and this makes it difficult for my niece and nephew to come and visit'' Help was needed but it left me It was nearly year 2000, I had nearly made it but, I was at the Supreme Masters house with Forest (my brother) and Popeye was there, we all had a few beers but Damain was a bit angry about my last letter at that time and suddenly he came back from the kitchen with a meat cleaver.

He went over to the fireplace where the gas fire was blazing and started shouting at me and spewing out profanities he said it was my fault that his younger brother had to go into a young offenders institute after burgling my flat and then he run at me raising the axe.

I am not scared of death and I realised I was too pissed to take evasive action so I just sat there and waited for him to fulfil my destiny and destroy my physical presence but at the last second he pulled the axe away and it just landed on my head with a light touch.

At that moment my brother Forest quickly f*cked off and I was left to face an out of control Supreme Master alone has he had now started on poor Popeye, you know the guy who went nuts at one of Sellers bowling matches at Slaithwaite a couple of years ago.

I told him with as much force that I could borrow that people in general want to visit somebody for ''friends not fights'' and this seemed to calm him down especially when I started to cry to add a little emotion to the recipe, well you have to use all the tools at your disposal. Bye YZR73F...

Captain Beaky and his best friend Colonel Gadafi were spotted side by side in the fitting shop by Ziggy Stardust this week and have be renamed for this issue only as Keith Harris and Orville respectively, while also this week further to last weeks cheeky publication I was sent to work with The Pedantic One.

Working With The Pedantic Onc

The Pedantic One did his very best to break me but sadly for him I wouldn't break when you have had a dad like mine, you seem to learn how to keep you patience with slightly exotic characters.

When Break time came, Born 2B Wild had to admit that he was enormously jealous of my elevated status working with The Great One and after break me and my good friend loaded six stillages on to Sophie that were destined for the Paint Shop.

"You Slupid pillock'' says Dylan to Florence after Florence in the Paint Shop admits to having given the Great One the instructions to load onto the wagon.. "As many stillages as possible'' It is finally dinnertime and at first I had the idea of a Cheese & Onion Sarnie but many calories burnt later and it is Steak + Kidney Pie Chips, Gravy, Beans and a tea-cake... no wonder Born 2B Wild hid when he heard he was to assist The Great One

Beaky Bollocks The Failed Fitter...

It is finally Thursday morning and Beaky is giving me another bollocking for nipping across the canal he says whilst finishing a discussion with Stroll On our Tin Shop leader and accompanying me to the Fitting Shop so I could fetch Sophie.

''You are not allowed between those barriers without a hard hat on and if an accident should occur you would not be covered by Sellers insurance which is pretty lucrative judging by Numb nuts's new elevated state of demeanour" The problem being the council are building a canal through our work-place at Sellers and because of this we no longer have proper pedestrian access from The Paint Shop to the Fitting except the half mile route through the machine shop and the entrance where they sweat the ends for thc rollers in Out towards Chapel Hill but turn left over the canal before you meet the main road and along you go through the car park now at this stage you could decide to go through the Tin Shop and somehow dodge all I the delays that could incur or walk round the top side of the building, and even at this point you must manage the swamps and the swamp monsters before finally reaching The Fitting Shop.

Inside the Fitting Shop, Magicman; the fitting shop labourer better known as Tommy Noon says to me "Aren't you glad you aren't a high flyer like Phil Pipe or Orville'' I get in Sophie and take her to see Numbnuts in bay 2 of The Tin Shop and me, Desperate Dan and Numbnuts load Sophie with a load of guards destined for the fitting shop but Orville is soon on the phone to my dad Wonderwood requesting the wagon urgently so that it could transport a Dryer Main Frame once again to the machine shop because it wasn't properly square.

Clearly Orville is very stressed and judging by those huge bags under his eyes the stress is not doing him any good, Phil Pipe is also absorbing some of this stress and when we finally get Sophie loaded Mr Pipe says... "Sellers have to get these two Van De Veel machines out so that the fitting shop can be put on 37 hours as a reward for their success that is why we are so motivated'' I did not understand his logic and neither it seems does ''Lada From Barnsley'' who will soon have a new name because he is selling his Lada according to Captain Pugwash, who will decide on the new name so watch this space. Lada From Barnsley is driving the crane looking slightly bemused at Mr Pipe like Mr Pipe has lost the plot somehow, Lada From Barnsley expertly hoists the Dryer Frame on to Sophie ready for its transportation once again back to The Machine Shop.

Stress at Sellers seems to float about from character to character and soon it is my boss The Failed Fitters turn to be on the receiving end of a Beaky eruption, I have meanwhile loaded Sophie up with a couple of guards for one of the machines in the fitting and have parked her in the second bay of the Machine shop ready to load that Dryer frame back on but Aussie is using the crane.

I decide that while Aussie is using the crane to move a roller off one of our ancient bogey's that is blocking my path and at that point a angered Captain Beaky escorts The Failed Fitter into the machine shop, ''Come on that is enough small talk with Captain Xerox, he should be in his office anyway not down in your place talking about football'' shouts Beaky at a sheepish looking Failed Fitter. The Failed Fitter tries to explain that he was taking a small break in his hectic schedule but it was all to fall on deaf ears.. 'Look it is just stood there ready to go on the wagon, if your subordinates see you talking all the time that is what they will do '' shouts Beaky with spit flying from his mouth.

''Come ON LETS GET THIS WAGON LOADED!" he bellows at the top of his voice to all who will listen. I appear and explain to his lordship that I was just moving a roller out of the way while Aussie was busy with the crane thinking it was lucky I didn't instead opt for getting a coffee and I was spared the embarrassment of a verbal pounding.

Aussie even got a compliment off Beaky for using some common sense by suggesting we leave the slings on the frame to speed up the operation.

As I exit the machine shop Beaky activates the electric doors but I have to stop while they rise open and I say cheekily to Beaky who is stood there "I escaped a rollicking on this occasion didn't I Ian'' he says as the door approaches its full height 'Fuck off before I give you one as well... '' but, his angry expression does soften just a little as Sophie roars out of the machine shop leaving Beaky stood in clouds of diesel fumes.

Sellers might be Beaky's entire life but it doesn't follow on that it is everybody else's but one question I want to ask Beaky is how are you expected to get the best out of your employees when all you can do is give them Bollockings all the time.

All you managers were taught only last year at The Early Learning Centre that throwing destructive criticism about only does just that.. destroy I was doing the job and his lordships interference only left the Failed Fitter even more dizzy than he was before.

Master F*ckup F*cks it up again

You might all remember my sponger of a friend called Phiw from peanut butter who was obsessed by hills, and he moved in at my Brother Forests old house.

Well he has absolutely incredible cheek, it seems that when he visits me at Sellers this week, that he has lived there nearly 10 months and he has just realized it is haunted and wants to move.

Has his name suggests it seems also after giving him a visit on Sunday with Hypreme Master Damain that he has left the house totally f*cked up, despite my dad, Wonderwood putting him a carpet down and installing a gas fire. Mr F*ckup has managed to totally smash the lock to the front door, the kitchen window and the side window after "I kept losing my fackin keys mate what is the big deal".

Inside he has stripped the wall paper and in some places the plaster.. "I can decorate my own house if I want to fackin hell ... '' at this point Damian knocks him off the wall and sends him sprawled out on to the pavement and I have to intervene to stop our Hypreme Master finishing him off.

Anyway that was Sunday but here I am facing the silly c*nt and he wants to know if my dad would lend him the hundred pound bond money for his new address...

At first I was speechless... but, I knew my dad wanted a word with him so I told Phiw who was accompanied by Day Burty to go see my dad in his office...

My dad Wonderwood needless to say was not too impressed at this guys cheek but I do not have any eyewitness accounts of what happened but I know my dad does not possess the same patience with idiots as I have and I think old Wonderwoods generosity has come to an abrupt end with this character. Master F*ckup is one of life's great spongers moving around from one crisis to another and leaving devastation in his wake.. I said being ''nice'' to people was going to stop and it has.

The Bowling Meeting.. JUNGLE TELEGRAPH SPORTS

Surprise Surprise I am going to be the Captain for this years team after I was plied with drink by Aussie and begged by The All Seeing Eye but it is understood that I will need eleven deputies.

The All Seeing Eye will be responsible for delivering the newsletters and players lists to our non- Sellers or retired players of the team.

I will choose the team and write as well as filling in the score cards before it in the playing order passing them to All But Smithy who will arrive early at our venue and consult with our opponents captain. So really we are sharing the job between us.

There will be an opportunity to arrange to play Friday night for all you Huddersfield town supporters and as soon as the books are issued we will be able to arrange which dates clash with town matches and consult our opponents captains to make the necessary arrangements.

I will use the averages after a person has played over six matches to determine the order for this years top ten and place the bowling into my own sports section of this newsletter as well as writing the occasional non newspaper piece of bullshit.

The meeting was very relaxed and present was Aussie, Peter The Painter, Capt. Xerox, The Milky Bar Kid, Uncle Col, The All Seeing Eye, Father Christmas and Tonto.

Our ex captain Numbnuts was busy (he says) fixing someones computer for £ 70 and when I said The Pedantic One was supposed to be coming Capt. Xerox said ''Oh who invited him.. lets get this meeting over with and f*ck off quick" I am told that Unemotional Al isn't too good on his pins and wants to be on in the first four along with Peter The Painter, but, Uncle Col advises me that I should put four good players on first which destroys our opponents psychological advantage followed by four mediocre players such as myself to end with four of the best players.

Uncle Col also says that I should adept the systematic method of putting in two reserves and if they turn up to be a reserve then they can play the week after when our two lowest scorers drop out into reserve. Tonto though argues that this method is unfair since your score depends on how good your oponent is but, I am more likely to favour Col's idea.

Aussie says that this year we will have to arrange our holidays around the bowling dates so that not more than two of our star players are off at any one time since this was why last year we rose to #3 in the Beumont Cup only to sink back to the bottom when everyone who is any good went on holiday.

Oh yes and this year there is only six teams in our league so we will play everybody three times and next year we are thinking of becoming an eight man team and judging by all our players health there will probably be only eight of us left.

Anyway I will keep you all in touch with our bowling teams abilities in JUNGLE SPORTS section of my newsletter which I hope Sellers will be kind enough to send to you..

Weekend...

Sorry I missed Saturday morning again but I will be punished financially on Thursday but who cares I have had an excellent weekend, I have just got back from taking Master Luke and his younger brother Obi-wan for a long walk followed by dinner at my parents which was very nice.

Queen Amidala is being incredibly nice to me, she even escorted me to the shop to buy some beers which have fuelled this letter and sorted me with a couple of joints, she was sat with Bawtry's clone when I left her looking tired after what she described as a crazy night.

On Saturday me and Mace were visited by this guy from the home office doing some crime survey while we were sat at my flat enjoying a couple of super strengths.

I told him all about my burglaries at 98 Keldregate and explained that it was their policy to make people who take illegal drugs into criminals that is the problem with the world.. you cannot say that you are doing it to protect us when you make vast amounts of money from two of the most deadly drugs Alcohol and Tobacco... I will be back midweek with ''The Biggest Rot In Society'' C.YZR8OR

hello all you readers I have just got back from Queen Amidalas and I am listening to the charts with a beer and a reefer Easy Bee was there and she has persuaded me to change her name from that horrible Mrs Jalpotta. So was Queen Amidala's brother Mr Muscles but he says nobody reads my stories but little does he know ... first I will visit a bit of Wednesday...

Wednesdav

Its Wednesday morning and I feel terrible, I have had a awful night feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and to make matters worse I am informed by Beaky that I look terrible and all the usual sarcastic comments which follow this.

I have a terrible migraine and my stomach is all upset, I didn't eat or drink anything all night.. Doctor Dylan reckons I might have a stomach ulcer.

I just feel like in the words of Arnold Schwartznegger. I need a vacation ! I am fed up of acting all these miserable faces all around me and in my favourite hang out (he paint shop the number of people sent to Middlesex once again is on the increase.

The men from the drawing office don't help neither because they keep walking through looking miserable I mean here is Yellow Squad leader he is scratching his head looking at a drawing of a job as I draw near whilst loading Sophie he says ''Sh*t well it worked on paper'' I cannot even begin to describe what lies in front of him.

As the rain lashes at the windows on this miserable day Florence says to me that 'people being just people in general seem to rise from being children and learn grown up rules while they rise in the social ladder before reaching their pinnacle of their potencial then fall back to becoming once again like children. then finally they die" Anyway life at sellers has become so tedious I have decided to have three of my floating days at Easter which rewards me with 11 total days off which I hope to put to good use by decorating this flat with the help of my good friend Master Mace who has a lot of the tools required.

This will be then the last newsletter until the Monday after I get back from Easter so you can now all breath a sigh of relief when you are talking to me because I will be having a well earned rest from having to take it all in this is strange brain I seem to posses.

Why do a small minority of people take what I type at this keyboard so seriously, to a small fraction of my characters they consider It not as a bit of fun but a gross invasion of their privacy, although I can understand this being the case for the small number of Bradley characters wishing to be written about.

I do not really seek any fame for writing I just enjoy doing it when trying to relax in my environment, it also has a by product of making me express myself a little more clearly and assertively in my Real World of human to human conversation.

When I write to you all I use all the skills learned to have conversations more naturally and feel at ease, I was told to do this when I went to Fartown Health Centre while suffering from depression and I was put on Prozac which I no longer need to boost my confidence.

But the Doctor did not say to get it all printed out and give it to my fellow employees where I work, but I was already typing away but until the day she said that I had never dared show anyone what I had written for fear it would be laughed at... wait a minute let me find my first story...

It was called apparently J1 - Thought Dynamics and it started exactly like this, remember this was the first time I had tried to write a story... ''Thought is too complex for elementary teaching. In the way light emitted from a star reaches the earth long after the star has gone is analogous to thoughts which may have active existence which were sent out years before by some person. Mental character may have changed or even the person may have passed away Places can become permeated by thoughts of persons who lived there who may have moved or died.

Its obvious really we all associate certain places and pick up on old thoughts WE have had why do you think LSD flashbacks only happen when a person revisits a site where they originally look the drugs Deep and it got even deeper and deeper away from the normal what you would call general conversation now I may have steered too far to the real world and I have found myself little by little more grounded and suffer from the same health hiccups as the rest of you.

I am sure the majority of you all who knew me in 1991 or on my first visit in 1988 would agree my social skills have slowly improved but more dramatically now that I have started writing letters.

And I am sure you all know the more sociable a person is, the more he can put up with others minor irritations in his immediate day to day environment, also the less inhibited you become as a result of idle socializing with other people.

Indeed I now think that as a result of both socializing with you lot at Sellers and my few close friends in Bradley as well has keeping a highly controversial ''diary'' whilst talking to my computer I have come to feel more fully alive in my mind as it watches my daily struggles.

I think in a strange way I have learned to become a observer of myself as well, this however saps a lot of my energy and I do apologize if you have in the past been upset by what I have said in my strange writing but I enjoy doing it Immensely.

Okay I hope you all enjoyed that now I have to make you all a bit sad because Jedess Mistress Penelope is leaving Sellers and she is the coauthor of the following it is called 'interview In The Jungle'' and it goes...

''Down here in the Spine of Sellers we have riveting conversations based around 0, 0, Bottoms and Shopping we are in need of more gossip down here because last years is a bit tedious. Whose is that anonymous poem that some-how found its way on to that disc anyway my mind is swimming the force is with me, give an home to a little pritt stick or go on As is always encouraged we do enjoy a good burst of creativity down here in the spine of sellers we recently submitted a poem about the average Huddersfield Lad, A laugh never goes amiss as you will see in this HUBBLE BUBBLE TOIL & TROUBLE

BOTTOM BURPS & STICKY PUDDLES SMELLY PITTS & TROLLEY SKIDS? MESSY

CLOTHES & WET LOO LIDS STUBBED OUT FAGS ON DIRTY PLATES PORNO FILMS

0 BUT BLOW UP DOLLS & KINKY TOYS REMIND US THAT YOU'RE ONLY BOYS''

Jedess Mistress Penelope is leaving us JM Penelope is leaving Sellers, Dreamy Billy says he is totally disillusioned, Mr Blobby says he has never felt so low and a stunned echo of emptiness is felt in all our hearts, especially mine.

JM Penelope actively encouraged me to carry on writing so I could learn to using it to express myself verbally more clearly even when what I wrote was most often a load of verbal diarrhea I still remember her coming to me in the paint shop with the exciting news that Mr Armitage wanted all my stories I had written so far.

Anyway I was in the Paint Shop when Stephanie came to wish me good-bye by nearly killing me trying to pick some strange stays off Sophie using the crane, she also invited me and everyone else to her leaving get-together in the Social Club after work on Friday April 28th.

I will attend under the medical supervision of my son Master Luke, and I tell her this and I ask her will she miss Captain Beaky she says.. "I will miss him like a bad period pain''... I am however on holiday at Easter so it will not be after work. I have also written a lot of nasty stuff about her while I was in one of my hypnotic trances during the ''Shining'' sessions at 98 Keldregate where I was under so much stress I had forgotten what peace of mind meant anymore.

Stephanie has however always been very caring and motherly about me but occasionally a telephone would scream into my hear after a little blunder in my writing expedition took place and I am sorry about these little cockups but invariably they are the things which people find funny and that is like living itself you just learn to laugh at yourself and laugh at life.

You was very popular at Sellers and you will be very much missed by 99% of the works, I myself hope you find what it is you are looking for Steph, however most people who leave this team invariably regret it in some nebulous way.

Sellers I think is really very addictive. we are I think a integrated web of individual characters that are so well enmeshed that they are by far more productive and creative than the sum of its internal parts, its employees and this is how ants behave so effectively in their nests.

An individual ant is totally stupid, like an individual Sellers Employee, but when they both behave collectively in an atmosphere of love and mutual rasped the potential is infinite.

Sellers saved me Stephanie and that is why I stick by this establishment, I belong here, when I first came after my accident in 1990 I was a lame duck compared to what I am now, Sellers has given me happiness and in the future this will be our most dominant craving.

Anyway I wish you luck Stephanie in the big big world... P.S. Aussie says (CENSORED) '' I bet you all are dying to know what Aussie says at the end of that script well I have finally been informed directly from the spirit world to reveal what Aussie did in fact say.

Although I did not get this piece of information directly from Aussies mouth there was a lot of echoes from other members of The Machine Shop. Aussie was off Thursday and Friday of last week because says Fixby, he strained his back picking his book off the floor while at work Wednesday, he dropped it after dozing off watching his planer Keep On moving Li££le Tony is still traveling the world his next stop Australia promises to be his best E to date says the laughing Cavalier the recipient of these E-mails...

Date Fri, 07 Apr 2000 02:02:45 PDT Hi Al, hope alls well. were here in sydney now, the weathers a bit crappy but soon to hot up, we spent today lazing around at Bondi Beach, it certainly beats working ! Were staying with a friend at the moment in sydney and he and his wife are showing us the sites, weve been in sydney for over a week now and theirs still stuff to do but if we don't leave soon we won't see the rest Damian said you E'd him the other week I've had a bit of contact with him and he now fancies doing it himself.

Anyway I'll contact you all again soon An£ony...

This character certainly seems confident compared to some of the characters situated in Bradley...

Could It Be magic? If it is any consolation many people who look cool, calm and oozing with confidence are actually scared stiff in fact there are many people of this world who daren't escape from weekly routine of doing nothing except criticising those who at least try to do something constructive and give a bit of a laugh in the process, but in Bradley this is looked down upon.

We are supposed to go around behind each others back and make someone else look small while we feed our titanic egos indeed they dont build statues for critics but in this environment statues just get sh*t on, those who simply mean well become the bad guys.

I think apart from anxiety, fearing each other leads to misunderstandings.. You may at some time had some neighbors who never talked to you, so you didn't talk to them. You concluded that they were unfriendly snobs. Whenever you passed in the street, they'd be studying the clouds and you'd look at the cracks in the pavement.

Then finally after a year or two, you were introduced to each other and became immediate friends.

You were frightened to say 'Hello' and figured they had a problem. They were scared to say 'Hello', and reasoned that you had a problem. Few people have the confidence they appear to have. You may look fairly harmless to yourself when you gaze idly in the mirror. but don't be fooled you're scary. You make lots of people nervous. So if you've spent sleepless nights in fear of others, give yourself permission to stop it. And whenever you are tempted to discard others as being opinionated and stuck up, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Chances are they're scared of you.

There are friends I have never met who would probably bring out the real me and talk to that, only I haven't found anybody yet, all they seem to do is talk about me, and although this is good for someones self esteem it is however not very constructive.

Lets ask some questions about me .. Mick...

Do I talk too much? Do I complain too much? Do I drink too much? Does my breath smell? ls my language offensive? Do I talk too much about my health my partner, my insomnia, money, religion? These are personal questions, but you've got to know! whatever your friends tells you, don't take it as gospel, but give these ideas due consideration I thank some unfortunate souls have a attitude that they have just one problem - and its with the five billion other people in the world... I'm perfect, but nobody seems to believe me or understand this lf you want anybody beating up just call 0793 0941 701 and ask for Jason.

I have finally managed to put my idiot friends behind me the last of them, Damian knocked at my door Friday night to cause; to enable a gang of five kids to physically attack me, although I fought them off it has left me slightly damaged.

I could not as a result attend my establishment of work Saturday morning and I could not attend the bowling Saturday afternoon because I had a bit of concussion following Friday nights incident when five people layed into me The force however is incredibly powerful and its motto is ''Everything you do comes back in time to you", and will be very apparent in these cowards destiny.

Following my beating I rushed down to Queen Amidalas in order to find some comfort, I knew also that Dominating Donna and Master Mace were there and also there was Master Skinny Mick who ordered Amidala to get me a towel so I could clean myself up.

Queen Amidala had it seems been already physically attacked by her ex-boyfriend, Jason and is very bruised on her legs but I wasn't to know this until I arrived at her house.

Immediately Bianca, Pointed Sarah and Master Mace went to inform The Bradley Mafia rather than the Police and we was then visited by Spike, Danny and Tony, Spike says that ''Blood is thicker than water'' because he happens to be Dum Dum Damians brother.

However I soon have more friends than I thought as everyone seems to polarise them selves to my side and phone calls in the Bradley community are set pacing with the Bradley Megaphone saying it was..."A rotten act of pure cowardice'' On Saturday afternoon before Me, Master Luke, Jedi Cori, Master Mace, Master F*ckup and Dominating Donna went for walk on the golf course I decided to phone XR1i Jason to ask if it was Dum Dum Damian who showed him and all his cronies where I live so that they could attack me and he says it was.

He also says and I quote.... "Just leave me to be Bens Dad (Obi Wan) but you can have her if you want (referring to Queen Amidala) I will be sociable with you (you decide to take over'' I say to him Look Jason I am not scared of dying why don't you and your friends come back and finish me off tonight this time I will be ready, just leave Queen Amidala alone because she has three young children and she doesn't need Damiams sh*te causing her trouble, That fat bastard is telling you anything to get you wound up and it seems to be working. neat time think of his motives before acting on his suggestions and think of your Son Obi-Wan and your daughter Princess Lea before following this persons commands'' I hope this is the last chapter in this sad characters affairs because Damian has finally disappeared as a character in my stories. forever, I will never mention this word again... YZR82RR see you later Mick.......Bye.

Jungle Telegraph by Mick Issue no 17 [YZX83F] It was a good feeling to get back to work this morning after an Action Packed Easter Holiday which I will briefly mention later, but to get a surprise like this new form of ''Sellers Sickness Protection'' is like getting a Christmas Present come early..

I have been here exactly nine years, I started coincidentally after Easter in 1991 and therefore qualify for policy #3, that is after 2 days with no pay I get 80% of my basic wage of roughly before tax £201.65 oh no there is the two percent pay rise to take into account £201.65 * 1.02 = £205.68.

So if I am sick I have guaranteed £ 164.64 for thirteen weeks falling to half of this for a further thirteen weeks and after this time I am presumably sacked, but still it has a better psychological feeling about it I would hate to end up living back at my parents house again because I could not pay the bills, but others on the shop floor could suffer much more than me.

I do not think that anyone on the shop floor would be tempted to abuse this privilege because everyone else would get on their backs and give them a hard time, We know we are all collectively on trial and nobody wants to lose it next year because of one persons misdemeanor (I am getting to like that word now.. Thanks Beaky)...

"I almost expected nobody to be here this morning" Jokes The Laughing, has I am handed a letter by the Failed Fitter who seemed to be glad to have me back still intact after the holiday.

"It would look well if the place was deserted I can just picture it in my minds eye now, Captain Morecambe & Beaky, looking out at a deserted Machine Shop from The Fishbowl'' Continues The Laughing Cavalier knowing I was short of a little inspiration...

'' 'You dont think they are abusing our new Sellers Sickness Protection do you Tim' says Beaky..

'Well Ian could one put it down to mere coincidence? ' Replies Tim'' says the Laughing Cavalier.

The good thing about The Laughing Cavalier is that he always tries to be sociable and positive, he looks like me at the funny little things which makes life worth living and tries to avoid dwelling too much on its hardships... He is a real gentleman.

Anyway I have been away for a while to put to good use these developing social skills and everyone is complaining there is no letter, Mr Blobby says he is suffering withdrawal symptoms, Jedi Master Rigsby Amway says everyone will soon forget me if I give up writing, he adds its like Coca Cola's advertising and then he asks me who is the biggest seller of soft drinks? Well I have been writing off and on all Easter but I must warn you all they were in various states of drunkenness and some are after reading ''Making Friends'' by Andrew Mathews but you asked for it Waiting For Someone...

Michael is depressed and lonely, He feels his life is a mess. He tells himself, ''lf I can just find some people to like me I'll be happy" however this is deemed ''WRONG'' by the spirit world....

When your life is a mess, happy and stable people tend to avoid you.

They look for those who are basically happy and stable. While Michael is miserable and depressed, he will only attract people who have big problems... Then They'll have twice the misery.

Other people can help make us happier, but we need to be in control of our lives first, like obviously Mick is not... mobile phone number is 07971328676, I have just purchased a Mobile phone off Grey Mick anyway I better get back to this pseudo-philosophical-bull-sh*t...

I cannot even remember writing that but it is definitely written with my helper Dr Mathews, this is the best book I possess or could it be it brainwashes me? well if it does it certainly washes a lot of the crap out now what is next...

A bit messed up mid-week, no decorating done as-yet or likely to be done. l think Its Wednesday I feel really poorly and I am drinking not beer but vita fit. its amazing the amount of vitamins in this stuff I now feel like smoking a joint this statement was from this mornings session on my computer after which I retired to bed feeling sick and tired.

I blame the burger I had at the fayre but the rest of what's left of my friends are not sure they think it might be the amount of beer I manage to consume and Master Mace says he has never seen so many empty beer cans situated in the same confinement as the population in my bedroom

Needless to say I visited the fayre Tuesday and spent all Wednesday a bit f*cked up and I have decided to blame a mysterious burger but I still managed today to take Obi-Wan, Jedess Becky and Master Luke for a walk to underneath the motor way bridge to cook some sausages and beef burgers with the help of my new Jedi apprentice Mr Muscles.

I have decided to spread the word that my ex Master Damian gave me, that is just talk to people and don't feel inhibited but I think sometimes I have gone a little too far with this news-letter I realise that others enjoy reading it with the pleasure they get from the odd soap opera, but, sometimes this is hard for the characters having to be in this life story.

But, I have to expose poor Dominating Donna's story about being laid off from LIDLS and I hope you will all now boycott this establishment after the way they have treated her, they laid her off today and she is most upset about it, in fact I even feel sorry for her.

She has asked me to take back her keys, apron and badge and I will do this when I go shopping there tomorrow for the last time with Mr Muscles for our camping expedition Thursday night, this is another example of corporate greed treating people has a number. Lidl it seems is totally unlike Sellers who somewhat partially* (*remember This was prior to hearing about S.S.P) take their employees welfare into account and Master Mace wishes to know after reading all these newsletters if he can have job there has a labourer in the Tin Shop.

He adds he has a lot of uncatalogued welding experience which could be put to good use by our establishment and I can vouch for this seeing all the creative energy going to waste on strange tables and exotic chairs dotted about their house.

I think Master Mace is one of my most loyal friends, but he is more able with his hands than I am with this strange brain, and this would make him useful to you all, and Mr Beaky he his a damn sight more reliable than me with his time keeping.

Still even if you at Sellers cannot save Master Mace from this rotten corrupt system which seems to reward those who do not want to work, you can at least seek pity on his fiancee's circumstances, when she decided to take employment with LIDL'S and has her confidence kicked in the teeth.

lf the government who happens to be in power want people to go to work they should make it easier for employers to not do this to people because we all have feelings and I have never seen Dominating Donna so low as tonight about some big wig accountants board room penny pinching.

They say these money transactions cost pounds and save just pennies, because they are afraid of excluding themselves in their budgeting exercise, although I am now talking Supermarkets... not Sellers. I feel a better now I have said all this....

That seemed to me pretty good when I read it back to myself half p*ssed it didn't make sense maybe I have a ghost writer in the Spirit World to spook you all a little, anyway the next script was not written by me but by my good friend and loyal companion in this lonely life, my drinking partner, my spin doctor Supreme Jedi Master Mace Windu... who loves his pop!

This World Needs More Nutters... Bv Master Mace Windu

Oh I have known Mick for over 25 years, we met age 5 years old on the school banking after I ran out of beer and I ended up scrounging one of the cans of super strength he always carries around in his bag with him just to keep him going.

In my opinion there can be nothing sadder than the sight of George Best the last of the great hell raisers plodding meekly along the pavement with a cup of tea with his wife.

lts the end of an era, the passing of an age.

Oliver Reid is dead, so too is Robert Mitchum, Peter O'Toole has gone on the wagon and Liam and Noel Gallagher have yet to prove they have the moral fibre to become truly wild men like ourselves.

And what are we left with? A world devoid of men with the sense of purpose, rebelliousness and naked courage to go out and self desired for the fun of it.

With George vowing to give up drink, start a family and live to 100, men are faced with the terrible prosper that all there role models have gone. That wild behavior now means nothing more than going out and buying butter instead of low fat spread..

You may think I am ''tongue in cheek's." But there's a serious point here too. The world needs hell- raisers and wild men- and not just to give the self righteous something to tut-tut about.

We need people to go to the extremes, to remind us that life really is for livings for being a little bit crazy and a big bit brave.

It should never be some deeply safe, boring, cholesterol-free, fat-reduced, Muller-lite existence.

To Be Honest, and with all due rasped to Bests young wife, deep down l'd have preferred it if Georgie had gone the way Ollie Reid did, face down in his drink with a heart attack after a massive bender

As Ollie lived, so did he die. And it was a gloriously apt death, the final two fingered salute to authority. The whole point of hell-raising is to assert one's independence of the law. And of women.

And of every petty rule that exists on this planet.

There is a wonderful scene in the movie, ''American Beauty'' where the character played by Kevin Spacey can take no more "I am doing what I want to do'' he roars and then breaks out of his domestic prison to be a forty year old rebel with a bottle of beer welded to his hand..

And of course his wife thinks he has gone crazy. And he comes to a sticky end. But he has tasted freedom before he dies.

Hell-raising takes a lot of courage. As someone once said, such men are not lacking in generosity or bravery or compassion or any decent thing whatever. They are only lacking in sense. 'That's why on occasions, they think its a good thing to drink themselves insensible and wake up on a floor somewhere.

That's why they end up fighting without the slightest idea what they are fighting for, and don't realise they've done it until they look in the mirror the next day.

That's why a committed hell-raiser, on being told he should or shouldn't do something will always go ahead and do the opposite as a matter of principle.

That's why we sometimes wake up in the morning with a female lying beside us whom we neither recognise - nor are bothered about recognizing. (I wish that was my case Supreme Master Mick) That's why we can't genuinely understand why our wives and girlfriends get upset. After all, we meant to be faithful didn't we? Because another essential component of a hell-raiser is having a sense of humour, we can always laugh things off, Master Mace finally steps of the his thrown on the Jedi Council in front his hypnotized members of the growing elite and continues...

Most women never will understand. But that doesn't stop us coming back for more, because hell- raisers are sexy and dangerous and truly, madly deeply alive.

The proof of the hell-raisers eternal appeal to women is always at his inevitable early death. At a real wild mans funeral, there is always a huge crowd of devoted females, bitchily eyeing each other, weeping there hearts out and trying to throw themselves in with the coffin....

Now you don't get that if you live on low fat spread says Mace as he walks over to me in our weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meeting which we consider to be a meeting of the Jedi Council and a round of applause is echoed throughout the auditorium

Live From Oueen Amidala's

Mr Muscles, Queen Amidala's brother says whilst waiting for Queen Amidala for now nearly three hours as well has at the same time feeding her daughter Casper... "I spend most of my time doing this... do you know, Mick there is a barge for sale for just.fifty quid and Sellers shouldest one seeing as they now have a canal running underneath their premises'' Mr Muscles is trying to get Queen Amidala's newest offspring off to sleep but it wasn't happening because I was stood over her with a towel and she was looking at me horrified Finally we are at Dominating Donna's house and they have all come back from the fayre but Dominating Donna has uncharacteristically come back with a goldfish which we have all named BirdsEye Fish-Master Mr Fishyman or just Mr Fishyman for short, he is now laid in a bag trying to swim about whilst the bag is hanging on the kitchen sink.

Mr Fishyman is now in a door for a washing machine and is swimming about a lot happier than he was before but he is eagerly anticipating his future environment when he will swim around in a tank Watching Master Mace and Dominating Donna have their arguments about stuff.

Maybe Mr Fishyman will conclude that these Hell-Raisers have a sense of humour but in reality they do not have a sense of direction except those guiding us to the grave and he will realise as he looks out of his fishbowl that this silly c*** called Mad Mick is killing himself bit by bit.

But then again we all will die one day, this is inevitable.

He is a good writer is my mate, what is the final one from Easter, it is called I think C:\PS\PS1 .. I will now have a look for it but this will overspill into over three pages but you lot wanted to see everything I had been writing about over Easter and I can finish with the bowling results...

Why has the force become stronger Further to being beat up, why has the force become stronger? I wonder if this severe bang to the head has done me some good, Aussie, my friend in the machine shop reckons them thugs hit me where luckily it doesn't hurt much.

Meanwhile Doctor Dylan in the Paint Shop thinks that a bang to the head has the same effect at a bang on the top of a flickering TV set, it can in some cases do some good and in my case it certainly wouldn't of caused any more damage.

This is our place of work, Sellers, light hearted to the least, you could come to work on crutches, with two black eyes, jaw broke and your arms covered in bandages and you would have all your fellow employees in stitches at the sight of your unfortunate circumstances.

Anyway the concussion has slowly passed and I do feel a better person for having shown these thugs that I can not be so easily put out of action anyway, it is all behind me now but Queen Amidala has got one of her many admirers to sort out all these problems you might all remember the famous chappie, Henderson Gill a famous rugby player whom once played for England.

I am sure his blows will be a little more substantial than my own because he is as wide as he is tall but don't misunderstand the power of the force.

But really it is true that everybody who does anything good or bad to anyone else eventually comes back to the doorstep of the person responsible because everybody hurts, sometimes, hold on, hold on, everybody hurts...

As I write these words It is April 19th, Wednesday in the year 2000 and I am sat at my favourite place on the bills near Fartown enjoying a beer whilst at the same time enjoying myself away from all the hustle and bustle that modern life seems to entail.

I have just one more day at work before the Easter holiday where so far I have a full schedule lined up....Friday I am due to go to the fayre which is compressed into Holsets car park, so that should be fun, and Monday night I have promised Mr Muscles and Master Luke that I will take them camping in witches wood and in between when things get a little boring.

None of these events eventually happened because it is Monday and I am sat at my computer, but I am poised to decorate my new flat if I could find some motivation from somewhere, So far all I have done is decorate my hall way with my blood.

Another Rampton

''Its another Rampton is this place'' says Step Reebok from the third bay of the Tin Shop where The Chairman of the mass debating society works when he visits the Progress looking for some 1 '' bore steam tube to shove up Colonel Gadaffis bottom.

He adds ''You come to work here sensible but gradually after a couple of years you give your sanity away and end up as crackers as the rest of them '' He adds further that he didn't know how he ended up with hydraulic tube in the first place but he is planning to launch these two lengths of l '' bore steam tube up Gadaffis arse, if they will fit up there with Beaky and all the other bits of junk that his fellow fitters have thrown up there over the years.

Step Reebok feels that Colonel Gadaffi is ''totally lost it'' and an example of the more advanced stages of dreaded Sellers Disease that continually tends to decimate our employees health.

Scoop bv Florence

Colonel Gadaffi our fitting shop foreman was talking to our also Blackburn oriented Director Captain Wise and suddenly Captain Wise said to Gadaffi ''What do you call that big West Indian chap that is working over thur'' Colonel Gadaffi says "Hey thats Clarky'' who is known in these stories as Florence Captain Wise then says ''Oh is it and which department does he work in then'' To this question Colonel Gadaffi replies the paint Shop, which is also the home of the highly habit dominated Dougle, the works alcoholic, Doctor Dylan and the brooding Crow.

As a result of this information passed to him Captain Wise says "Do you not know, that all this time I have been wurking here, I have never known where he wurked"

JUNGLE SPORTS

Results of Saturdays Crown Green Bowling Match which took place at Spen Victoria at Heckmondwyke, their is no league table as yet because these matches so far have been cup matches, first was The Millennium Challenge which we lost and now our lack of interest for the Yorkshire Cup Match, here are the results....

Alan Stead 8 H Donnelly 2 1 Peter Ward 14 E Artis 21

Colin Ackroyd 9 L Adams 21 Roy Wigglesworth 12 L Davies 2 1

Michael Schofield 8 R Eastwood 21 Geofl-smith 19 L G William 21

John Hampshire 15 T Foster 21 Joe O'NeilI 21 J Beilby 16

Alistair Littlewood 15 G Tosney 21 Thomas Noon 1 1 l Taylor 21

Darren Boyce 10 T Simpson 2 1 Kevin Miller 12 T Davies 215| ya later oh and by the way Mace has had to bury Mr Fishyman.YZX83F got rid of the R's where do they keep coming from all the are is a menace.

Yes we are back bowling again and guess what we lost again, we were also drugs tested for St Johns Wort and Caffeine and several of us were found to be over the crown green bowling associations strict limits however when Dave Newton explained we were from Sellers the matter was abruptly dismissed.

Joe told me a brilliant joke while I was marking Steve Newtons card...

''Paddy and Mick are working on a building site in Dublin. Paddy turns to Mick and says: I've gotta take a leak, but theres nowhere to go ' Mick replies.. 'Walk out to the end of that plank. I'll stand on this end and balance you ' Are you sure, Mick? asks Paddy.

'Yes no worries, ' says Mick...

So out goes Paddy to take a leak and the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he is supposed to be doing, steps off the plank and Paddy is a goner.

Several days later an Australian, called Aussie a frenchman called Tiny Tears, and a irish bloke Jpom Sellers bowling team are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest....

Wazza the Aussie says: Mate, I've been known to miss a pissup down the pub with me' mates trying to crack on with Sheilas' Tiny Tears says 'We French chase ze women with much zest and give them the gluts of love like champagne to win their affection '.

Joe our sweep winning bowler looks at Aussie and Tiny Tears laughing heartily, A true Jedi Master of the force... he says... 'You blokes are both wrong. The other day I WAS walking past a building site in Dublin following these two gorgeous birds and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand sceaming' '' Thank you Joe for that...

Talking To Yourself With Alcohol

Four and a half years ago an alcohol binge started in my head and like cancer of the soul it spread like mad eventually occupying every thought, the alcohol became a escape from my reality which I created with my very thoughts. .. It all started after I split up with Adele, my son, Luke’s mum in 1996

Alcohol is I think an anesthetic away from life, it leaves your brain stood still in time when the bingeing of alcohol really began to accelerate, but soon it takes not 2 cans but 3 cans to achieve that high and before you know it you are using alcohol to keep yourself from deep depression.

My brain is still stuck in an intellectual mode of December 1996 when Christmas celebrations started at me and Adele's house with our nearly 1 year old son, Luke.. we lived then found the back of sonic back to backs on Oak Road...

The rest is a haze, we had officially split up I know by March 1997 when Madonna's One More Chance was echoing its way back down the charts when I was found in doorways outside friends upside down on their steep steps or dancing like mad in local pubs.

You see when I was at friends houses I often neglected to remember to use their toilet.

I often in those days spend my time sleeping in our local Bradley Quarry sharing my sleeping quarters with ants, spiders and sometimes when I was either going up with too much alcohol or coming down with alcohol I would hallucinate that giant rats were attacking me. I would often in those days inhale petrol out of the petrol tank of my motorcycle in my parents garage and see some brilliant hallucinatory firework displays from the control centre in the sky, I remember once getting stoned in that old garage with a graceful of fellow Bradley Petrol Inhalers and the electric fan heater was on full blast on the floor when one guy nearly fainted and I had to catch the bike before it fell over depositing petrol all over the electric fan heater directly in the path of the falling petrol tank... I still to this day dread what could of occurred if I hadn't noticed the bike was toppling. . but being burnt once is quite enough for me thanks ! ! By this time I was most unwelcome back at my parents, and to make it even worse so was my little brother, who had given up his job.. me and my brother got into a drunken argument which became a drunken brawl and I was sent to live in his old house until he could sort his head out...

In Fartown my life was dominated by terrifying dreams of Rats, alcohol induced hallucinations no doubt but the fear invaded my consciousness because it then broke through into my secret world of dreams... just how did it do that.. . alcohol! Here is one of my dreams from my most sacred dream diary I have kept (in writing not on computer no way!) for more than 20 years. ..

"I was in blackness but something had woke me up, my ears strained to catch the slightest sound .. I felt movement on my bed. Immediately there was a cold clinging feeling off fear. Another movement, and then again....I could feel the firm pressure of the small feet as the thing made its way up my body towards my exposed face. Suddenly I could stand it no longer and lashing out, flung the bedclothes on to the floor and dived towards the wall where the light switch was located . .

I seemed to hang in mid-air before crashing to the floor...

No light switches under a viaduct, I awoke to a dream within a dream somehow...

No bedclothes either, just a few old newspapers and bits of cardboard and I wonder if this is the real future or just another vivid dream before I get back to reality Suddenly there was fur against my face and hands, and it was moving My fingers gripped tightly around the struggling intruder and instantly I was paralyzed with fear There was not just one but hundreds of the bastards, and they were attacking me with ever increasing ferocity as though attempting to free the thing that I held tightly in my hand. I got to my feet, struggling, feeling the creatures in my hair, face and eyes. In desperation I groped the air then I was overcome and fell on my knees clawing at the evil fur. Then they started to take shape in the darkness. Slowly at first , and then with gathering certainty, the fur - that before I could only feel became blood red spiders with eves that protruded on stalks from their incredibly ugly bodies. .. .

I awoke 2: l5a.m. 4/6/97 Living at Fartown in my brothers old house really scared me , there was all sorts of weird products of my either over active imagination or psychic sense of its predecessor or more probably of either my alcohol induced hallucinations caused by alcohol or even worse withdrawal symptoms due to lack of funds to feed my addiction I would frequently cycle to Bradley to visit my friends on a bike with a seat clumsily bolted on the back which frequently Luke would travel in, I would have a few beers with my friends then I would cycle back to my ghostly home? at Fartown in the dark.

When Luke was sat behind me I would often feel like some unseen hand was steering however when I was on my own I made numerous visits to the sobering cold water of the canal much to the amusement Of the fishermen

Eventually my prayers to the council were answered and the ghostly invaders were replaced by more menacing life and flesh burglars because I managed to obtain a flat at 98 Keldregate right in the middle of the suburban jungle of Bradley.

At my new address I used alcohol to inhibit me to express myself on my computer and into my little stories 'spirits' found there way but I often wonder if these ethereal manifestations were demons created by too much beer combined with an overactive imagination.

Here realising we had a problem, me and one of my friends went to visit The Alcoholics Anonymous but I steadfastly refused to accept that I had to sit in AA rooms several times a week for the rest of my life, listening to tales of drunken behaviour however amusing folk made them sound, in order to stay sober. I did try, but became conscious that it often resulted in a competition of who had sunk the lowest or who was the funniest. I became positively fed up with hearing one story from many different people who all stated that they knew they had reached rock bottom when a dog cocked its leg and peed on them as they lay in the gutter. I construed that, like the comic on the circuit who had his act plundered by other would be comics, this was a tale worth nicking because it always got a good laugh.

Either that or there is a poor canine creature wandering around the Town of Huddersfield doing little other than pissing on drunks.

Life at 98 Keldregate were hard times, when I would of never found peace of mind and probably died of some stress induced illness but Captain Beaky, my hero wrote a beautiful letter to the council and this got me moved to the secret location I live now.

I still love to drink my beer, the miserable old bag who lives below me often looks disbelieving into my dustbin at the number of empty cans.

Here at my new address when I am able to escape from the clock ticking with my anesthetic, I still have terrible dreams but I also have another escape; sat at this computer writing all this bullshit.

Luke & Becky kidnaped An old geriatric of Bradley looked out of his window which faced Bradley wreck and saw this old wino he had seen often skulking his way across the wreck and picking up two young children from the swings and taking them with him.

One minute of time later the Bradley network of tongue wagers were informed and soon were the Police, I was situated at Dominating Donna's and Master Mace's whilst all this took place, we were informed by Donna's gossip line that Forest my brother had took Master Luke and Jedess Becky, his daughter to Bradley Park and had been mistaken for a Paedophile But such is the nations consciousness at the moment disturbed by events that have occurred just recently that who can complain that some neighbour in Bradley was watching over my son, both me and Dominating Donna thanked the Police for their concern when they visited us and Master Mace went and hid in the garden leaving me feeling a bit of a p*llock as I explained our family tree and was now sat here alone with Donna.

The Police thankfully never questioned the smell of cannabis in the room but set off to my parents house to make sure the two children who had been kidnaped were okay Chiefy losing it Chiefy is pulling on the crane hook in the third bay whilst pressing the controls on the pendal for the down operation hoping somehow that his efforts will speed the thing up, he has loaded Sophie up with The Brush that has so far visited him three times and is now loading her up now with the drive shaft

of Wessex's Stenter Unit

Chiefy Shouts red as a beetroot in the face, stress having totally consumed him... ''Come on, there is that silly C*nt down there on about cutting stuff off we are three weeks behind now, if he cuts some more off we will be even further behind'' I myself think he must be putting it all on for the cameras but Cuz Wally says Chiefy is always like this before he goes on holiday... yes but .. The Failed fitter is also off next week .. that is why I saw my boss The Failed Fitter stuffing his trousers with newspapers and magazines...

And that is why the seven dwarves headmaster Mr Beaky has been broadcasting for his servants to phone his number all day, and maybe The Failed Fitter expected the cane. .

The New Skyscraper

Our new electricians and grinding building is beginning to dominate the view from the fitting shop doors it is promised to be completed by October when our live wires and the lost world will be moved in and their old home will be demolished to make way for the final connection in the 6 million pound scheme to reopen the Huddersfield Narrow Canal...

Kipper and me are looking out of the roller shutter doors at the entrance to the fitting drinking our coffee and trying to think of something to say...

"I think it will be just about strong enough to support Onslo '' says Kipper sarcastically ''mind you they are leaving the crane there to get him in and out'' he adds without hesitation.

You definitely have to be thick skinned to work at Sellers, its just like being at school really and if people see you soft natured they attack you with sarcasm ''Peter'' I say seriously ''Why is it that at Sellers everyone loves taking the p*ss out of each other, and after working there some time you just end up laughing at yourself and your own imperfections" Kipper takes a sip of his coffee and looks out of the door while he ponders a reply to my perplexing question, Kipper comes all the way from Barnsley everyday to be with us so he must like us...

Kippers voice takes on a more serious tone as he says ''Michael, in life you find that people in general are good talking to you to your face but behind your back they are saying all sorts of negative things but at Sellers no secret is safe... '' At that point much to our amazement, the Works Director, Captain Beaky comes skating up the yard on some roller-skates with a personal stereo covering his ears, maybe the stress has become to much for him we mutually agree before continuing with our respective tasks. .

"We've got so good at taking this brush out of this brushing unit, we've reduced the time from 2 hours to just under a hour'' says Ratchet Jaw 4 3/4.. ''You know Mick asked for someone young thin and agile to help me and I got him, er Kipper Old fat and fragile '' Just A Ouick Visit To fantasy Island? Your mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open and it is with this philosophy I approach any "supernatural" phenomena, including the science of astrology.

My horoscope for Thursday 20th July however seemed to strike a real chord in my mind that loves to talk to itself, it read... ''Please feel reassured Allow yourself to be comforted. Accept offers of support where they exist and, where it would seem that