IntoThe4thDimension

It all went according to plan on Saturday despite all the worse case scenarios playing in my mind, I still made sure I personally went and picked my sharer up from the next village down the Calder Valley from me and kept an eye on him all night to make absolutely sure he didn’t do a runner.

One word of warning though for anyone who ever has great ambitions to chair the meeting at Dewsbury on a Saturday night, make sure your watch is set correctly, mine was five minutes fast which resulted in a late start to the meeting and enquiries from The Supreme Jedi Master if the Chairman had fallen asleep.

So at 2 minutes to eight in my time I launched into it like it had been carefully rehearsed in my brain for days and the result to my ears sounded almost robotic without any shred of emotion…

“Welcome to Dewsburys Saturday Night meeting of The Jedi Council, err sorry Alcoholics Anonymous, my name is Jed… err Michael and I am an alcoholic can you switch off your comlinks er mobile phones and can we have a minutes silence to remember all the Jedi’s that were killed in the Clone wars, err sorry, still suffering alcoholics”

After reading the scripted preamble and asking Mr Groundhog to read “How It Works” I quickly introduced Big D on Steps one two and three and could then fall back into hibernation mode.

Big D said he had come to Dewsbury regularly some three years or so ago of his five years spent in the AA and learned how to drink whilst in the armed forces and gave us all an excellent representation of his interpretation of the first three steps of AA, the foundation steps.

He told us of those he had left behind who still sit to this day on the same buffets of his old local telling the same jokes and sharing the same false laughter while his life has become something that he enjoys on a daily basis.

I related a lot to what he was saying especially how us as alcoholics could surmount huge obstacles that life threw at us without going back to drink but it was the tiny things such as stubbing our toe in the morning which were the major stumbling blocks.

Has his share reached a climax and drove towards its eventually conclusion my heartbeat slowly began to increase once again realising that I would be once again required to say something…

“Thank you Dave I really enjoyed that and I related to the fact that your son like mine now has a dad again not some village idiot as a father, and I will open the meeting…”, I suppose I could of rabbited on about more stuff but I thought its my first chair and I am standing amongst giants here in this program there is no point at this stage of launching a philosophical debate about higher powers or the value of antidepressants and there side effects.

Usually at Dewsbury on a Suturday and Sunday night there are long spells of silence when many members choose to practise there meditation powers as suggested in step 11 whilst the meeting is still open, obviously trying to confine all there AA life to just one hour but tonight thanks to Big D’s share there were none.

At the close of the meeting I made my second minor mistake by shaking hands with Big D while we were still sat down before we launched into the serenity prayer and he looked at me a little gone out and I still had to shake hands with him again afterwards but at least I did the correct protocol in getting Big D to lead us all into it.

I felt real proud of myself afterwards however now I am on the lookout for someone to share next week on Steps 4,5,6 & 7 but I do have Jedess Catwoman pencilled in for the week after on steps 8 & 9 after I asked her tonight.

On the whole I think chairing is a damn sight easier than sharing but I don’t know what I would do if something went wrong for example someone turning up who was seriously off there head but luckily my higher power will hopefully see to it that this doesn’t occur while I am still wearing “L” plates.

Other than this I have had a great weekend and this week me, Miss Boley Luke and Squeaky decided to have a rest from the motorbikes and go for a swim down at echo beach (across from The Cornmill Pub just after J25 of the M62 en route from Leeds to Manchester) due to the weather being so hot, in fact it was the hottest day of the year on Saturday.

Anyway Tuesday is the longest day of the year and after that the nights will once again be drawing in so we thought we all had best make the most of it and if its like this again next week I will take along my digital camera and get some photos.

I also have my annual summer tradition of jumping off Iron Bridge to complete for this year, that is where the L&Y railway crosses the Calder & Hebble navigation and the bridge is some 30ft high it would be nice to have a photo of that for this blog.

I also had a phone call today from Rolfe Harris who is the latest reader of my blog and with well over two decades of sobriety I felt somewhat humbled and a little embarrassed at his interest, he was complaining that the latest page which has lots of letters jumping around has no writing on it so well now Rolfe it has.

We also had a conversation about our obsessions and I must admit one of mine in the last year or so has been writing these little diary entries I have come to call Step tens and the strange thing is I don’t really know if they do me any good at all but I am sure time will tell…

Into The Fourth Dimension – But never forget where you came from

It’s the second day of summer 2005 and I am 297 days sober, I have just returned from Wakefield with my father who has been to see some mobility expert and to purchase some special shoes.

I am now sat by the river in the long grass with Miss Boley enjoying the sunshine, Miss Boley has been for a swim and has now clambered back up the bank thankfully refreshed while I am writing my thoughts on this piece of paper.

I am just getting faint glimmers of understanding what is meant when the big book, The Jedi Code refers to as “The fourth dimension of existence”.

I believe that is that nirvana feeling you are always trying to achieve when you were at the height of your drinking but somehow never quite attained, like it was just forever out of reach.

That tangible carefree feeling where it no longer matters about tomorrow or what happened yesterday, where time no longer has any significance and your brain has given up thinking and you are content just to be.

The Wise One a three decade sober Jedi Master said to me that you will know deep down in your gut when you have truly surrendered your self will, he added he can sit in his garden and observe a flower for over a hour and not feel bored, he said he becomes aware of an aura around gods creatures when he is in this tranquil state of mind.

I look at Miss Boley who is sat at the side of me her fur wet and panting contentedly, I am sure she doesn’t contemplate the future too much but she does remember the past.

I know this because when I take her for a walk and we approach a certain lamppost she knows not to walk past it until I have decided which way to go otherwise I will choose the opposite way to her and the 5 metre length of the extendable lead will get wrapped round the lamppost and she will have to back track to free herself.

I also think it is wise to be mindful of the past but not to let it eclipse the present, and I can remember still very clearly just how bad it had got that very last holiday which brought me to my knees and led me to the doors of the AA.

I remember waiting outside the shop on the site in the morning queue most of whom where there to buy there morning paper, one by one they would go in and make polite conversation while purchasing there milk and there daily rag before going back to there caravan to have a normal day that would begin with some breakfast cereal and a cup of tea and a quick flick through yesterdays world events enjoying the carefree feeling of being on holiday.

Meanwhile I would be outside the shop pacing around, in my minds eye I can see myself sweating and shaking looking anxiously at my watch while cursing all these customers to hurry up and f*ck off under my breath, finally the last person would scuttle off back to there caravan.

I would then gingerly enter the shop and grab a morning paper, go over to the fridge and pick up a carton of milk and then go over to the counter and try my best to look cheerful and calm, I would smile at the lady behind the counter showing off my teeth which resembled Stonehenge in a hurricane and she would smile back, “Is that all sir, Its going to be another lovely day…”

Like it was an afterthought that had suddenly jumped into my head unexpectedly I would say Oh can I have one of those, oh yes a half litre one, yes-them bells whisky.

I would then leave the shop feeling overwhelmed with ecstasy that the deed was done and after the sleepless night I had had I could now at last get some peace with my choice of medication and I would just have a couple of swigs to get rid of last nights headache then I will put it away somewhere.

I returned to the caravan and gave my mum the milk, “What have you got some more Milk for, Oh Michael not any more” she would say when she saw the whisky, I quickly swigged at the potent liquid and felt it burning all the way down to my stomach which initially would be overwhelmed and cause me to rush to the toilet to throw up.

Soon however the shaking and sweating would settle down and my mind would calm down as long as I kept swigging away at the whisky throughout the day I could function and those dreadful withdrawal symptoms would be kept at bay.

Luke, Hermanie and Squeaky would get up and seeing I was in no fit state to move again, they would wonder off to enjoy there day and after nattering at me for a while my mum would just find an excuse to escape from me in this semi-conscious twilight world.

When everyone had gone the caravan would fall silent except outside I would hear people enjoying there day, I would catch parts of peoples conversations and this would echo in my empty head, as would the innocent laughter of other kids in the distance enjoying themselves.

At some point in the early morning I would slip into a drunken stupor and I hated this since when I was unconscious my alcohol level would fall and I would come round feeling like sh*t again but it was unavoidable and I suppose natures way of self preservation.

I would be awakened around dinnertime by the excited voices of Luke, Hermanie and Squeaky returning from wherever they had been and Luke would look at my concerned then ask for a fiver to go somewhere else, I would give them all anything they wanted just to return to that peaceful tranquil world I had left behind.

I would look at my bottle and realise it was only half full, I had better stagger with them all down to the shop again, I got Miss Boley who was thankful at least for a little walk and wobbled off to the shop with them.

All the kids ran off when I decided I needed a sh*t that couldn’t wait and subsequently dumped my load at the side of the main street half hidden half exposed in some bushes in front of a load of disgusted wide eyed holidaymakers.

Somehow I made it to the shop and back with more whisky, lager was only any good now if I felt real thirsty, I think I had left Miss Boley tied up outside the shop I couldn’t remember if I had took her and I didn’t care.

The nights were the worst and it is here my next memory lies, at some point in the night no matter how well I planned it I would awake in the early hours with the four headless horsemen parrying around in my head.

Usually my mum who lay sleeping across the floor had hid my stash and I would wake her now and usually the rest of the occupants of the caravan demanding to know where it was hidden.

As I searched around in vain I noticed the door to the toilet was smashed and there is a table strewn on the floor, the caravan doors window was smashed and these facts seemed to seed some distant memories of the night before.

Somehow the kids had all found a bed for the night, but my mum was awakened from hers, its here Michael, she gave me the drink, just wanting me to calm down.

It was that night I prayed to die, God take me away from this! I shouted as the drink gave its quick fix again, How I prayed that night that I could be liberated from this obsession with alcohol, I couldn’t live with it and I couldn’t live without it….

Nearly 300 days later and for some inexplicable reason my prayers were answered but as time goes on its so easy to forget just how bad those last days were…

Thankyou To Mollys And AA For Everything I have been taught.

Today we had a special treat, a meeting in the Big Room at Dewsbury instead of being crammed like sardines into the tiny back room and it was just as well since members of the AA from all around our area had flocked to the meeting to hear The 79 year old Oracle speak.

Accompanying The Oracle in the chair was The Wise One and both were around in the early times along with the Supreme Jedi Master when the meeting was founded three decades ago.

I had been introduced to this famous speaker early on by Mace Windu and she said that I looked sober, I told her when I fist arrived ten months ago I was shaking like a pneumatic drill, she referred to me as being happy and free now but I said I was miserable all the time anyway.

Everyone said I was in for a treat having never heard this legend before and when she did talk she was so full of energy and life force I think even if I had never drank in my life I could be persuaded by her to join the AA.

The Oracle told us all that we would always be disappointed by our expectations of others and only ourselves could we truly change, she also said by our very actions we were all spreading a message to all our friends that there is hope and we do have a choice on whether to go mad or die or join the fellowship and survive one day at a time and set an example for others it was up to them if they followed.

At the back of the meeting The Supreme Jedi Master was wearing sunglasses so not to be dazzled by The Oracles spiritual radiance and Darth Vador was frowning at Asda Mick for discharging his camera at the spectacle before us.

She said for over three decades she had planned the day when she would give up drinking and the glorious day was set in stone as tomorrow and like many others she continued to live in the Matrix knowing that outside it some truth was there but the continuous day by day brainwashing was too powerful.

All the time we are spreading the message, most of the time we don’t know it but the people who need us the most are often guided there by coincidence and when you feel that knot in your stomach you are avoiding saying what your higher power needs you to say and ignoring this will lead to disillusionment.

I still hadn’t got anyone to share for Saturday, Spiderman had said he would yesterday subject to approval by his dominant half but she said they were already engaged with some other activity so I was looking around the room at the perfect opportunity for me to find someone and I got some comfort from the advice she was giving.

The Coilminer, The Undertaker and a few others I didn’t know shared after the main share by the Oracle and then we were all let loose on the beautiful spread of sarnies, I myself felt a little guilty at the end of the meeting when The Wise One thanked everyone who had made the meeting possible and I thought I didn’t even lift a finger to help but like they say in the AA this too shall pass.

Soon I was at the bottom of the steps where I belonged feasting on a few egg mayonnaise, seafood spread and miniature sausage rolls while slurping on my lovely cup of tea whilst listening to Vader tell everyone who could bear to listen how utterly wonderful he was.

I then went back in initially to ask The Supreme Jedi Master to share but has I hovered near him Mace Windu introduced me to Jedess Mistress Grace and took our photo together.

I told Mace I was concerned that all these photos was causing a problem with Anonyminity because I had heard Darth Vador on about it earlier with Asda Mick but he said, if the AA became too anonymous it would cease to exist and as with everything you can take a principle just too far.

I then felt my higher power urging me to speak out so taking a leaf out of the Oracles book I turned to The Astronomer who was sat nearby and telling someone who was looking decidedly bored all about Saturn’s rings and Titan being the largest satellite in the Solar System I asked him without any hesitation if he would share for me this Saturday and he subsequently agreed adding he hadn’t shared for ages.

Then Jedess Mistress Grace said she would do another of my weeks which is the final one since I have already got Jedess Catwoman booked in for a week on Saturday.

So The Next Few Shares Are As Follows,

The Astronomer Steps 4,5,6 & 7Sat 25th June

Jedess CatwomanSteps 8 & 9Sat 2nd July

Jedess Mistress Grace Steps 10,11 & 12Sat 9th July

Now I hate social situations but up until this point I was enjoying myself so much I forgot just how much I hated them but then suddenly out of the blue while I was talking to Mace that Pumpkin Feeling came back.

I call it the Pumpkin Feeling because it reminds me of Cinderella having to rush off before the clock struck twelve, I tried to explain to Mace how I felt uneasy but he just said you are in the right place here.

The next minute I was running up the road to the railway station car park anyway I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and I have got all my shares sorted with The Messiah as a backup this Saturday if The Astronomer is too busy looking out for rare celestial events

It was only my second week sharing and yes the inevitable happened, I knew I should of bought them “L” plates from the pound shop, there was this newcomer present who had admittedly been drinking all day.

It was by some mystical influence of some supernatural force that he had somehow stumbled upon the AA meeting but it certainly breathed a bit of fire into tonight’s events.

It seems to me, maybe its my ego speaking but chaos does seem to follow me around, when I started work at my last job it was a nice stable cash rich company that had a huge status symbol in the world of carpet finishing machines.

By the time they threw me out by making me redundant the place was in ruins with its flagship Carpet Shearing Machine brandished on the world markets as “The Weird & Wobbly”, the Salesmen were even getting enquiries with people asking for the machine by that name.

I seem to have found myself as a calm eye in a hurricane with my dysfunctional family and since I have started work at what was previously known as “Hogwarts” I have seen the company undergo many incarnations culminating to where it is today labelled “The Flintstones” under the expert guidance of Neanderthal Man.

So really it was no surprise tonight that Andy The Astronomer should have his enthusiastic share interrupted by Mr Newcomer although the guy did seem to have found himself seated in the room without a clue how he got there.

I am not a particularly assertive guy and I didn’t think it would do any good anyway to start complaining at him for speaking out of turn since prior to half a hour ago he had never even heard of Alcoholics Anonymous let alone know the routine.

The Astronomers share was mainly about his son being now twelve and starting to break away from childhood to begin the painful journey into adulthood a point where many of us in the rooms found out for the first time there was something different about the way we thought from other normal kids.

It made me think of Luke and how in so many ways had become the best friend I had ever had and I simply cannot imagine Luke growing up and becoming an adult when I can only ever see that little kid who believed everything his dad told him and looked at me like I was a superhero.

So I had no problem after hearing The Astronomers share honestly admitting that I really related to it but I didn’t say much other than I will now open the meeting and saying to The Newcomer that he too now had the opportunity to speak.

Speak he did including cross sharing which is forbidden but I tried to ignore it because after all everyone always pays lip service that the newcomer is the most important person in the room.

In his inebriated state he did however speak a lot of sense instead of the usual brainwashed pre-rehearsed stuff you normally hear at AA meetings or the usual long silences with everyone staring uncomfortably into space.

Inside my head I was silently praying to get to 9pm so I could thankfully close the meeting and thank everyone then suddenly out of the blue a feeling of calm overtook me and a distant voice commanded me to live in the present.

I was only chairing the meeting and by that I mean I was not in control of the show, that I had long since given over to my higher power well at least made a decision to and at one point Mr Newcomer asked me why everyone was here?

I answered a bit taken aback by the question and feeling all eyes staring at me for an answer We are all here because in the past like yourself we have had a problem with alcohol .

Feeling like I was in a dream I thanked The Astronomer and asked him to lead us all into the serenity prayer quietly simultaneously saying a prayer of my own that I had somehow passed another test that had been placed before me.

Even Bob The Builder after the meeting was over and we were stood on the steps drinking our tea said my worst nightmare had been realised since it was exactly the scenario I had been describing to him last night that I said would probably happen to me this week.

Anyway everyone said I was “A Natural” and I had handled the situation perfectly though I got the impression they were trying to build my confidence so that I would be willing to chair again.

in a popular swimming spot where many of the locals enjoy a dip then scowl at them when they disturb there precious fish which if the catch they just throw back in with a amputated bottom lip, if the Government knew what they were doing it would have been banned along with fox hunting.

Anyway avoiding shouting this across the water at the gormless fool we all headed downstream to another paddling place that also has a built in water slide (the overflow between the canal and the river) and climbed gingerly down the steep banking into the river there.

Miss Boley, Shifty, Luke and Myself were then joined by my brother who Luke calls Uncle Bob and his faithful psychiatric nurse who follows him everywhere, while they sat on the bank us kids continued to splash around in the summer son.

We then decided to climb up the overflow pipe that connects the river to the canal against the current of water and emerged behind Uncle Bob and his psychiatric nurse before we all decided to get this video of me jumping off Iron Bridge.

I got Uncle Bob to film me jumping off and it is a great feeling flying through the air especially now I am sober before you hit the water at maybe 25mph with a huge splash, you can if you look carefully just make out Luke stood in one of the recesses at the side of the bridge.

Uncle Bob was thinking about jumping off himself however his psychiatric nurse would have to follow him into the water and he was scared of heights so my brother decided not to push for permission.

Yes its great being sober now a days, you feel so free no longer burdened with having to constantly top up on that alcohol level, I have as I write this just returned from Sunday nights AA meeting which Jedess Catwoman was sharing.

I feel really inspired by her share and look forward now to next Saturday when she will be sharing for me on Steps eight and nine, I just wish I could share a little more from the floor to show my appreciation for the fellowship but I am sure in time it will come.

There is three good things about chairing at Dewsbury, especially just lately and the first is at least you get a guaranteed seat since todays meeting people were packed in like sardines to watch Jedess Catwomans share on steps 8 & 9.

The second point is that you are guaranteed not to have any chance of sharing since its up to you to choose, not that I had a lot of experience of these steps since most of the people I knew had long since disappeared from my life when I came round to them.

The third point about chairing is that you feel really important sat there and everyone looks at you like royalty, anyway that’s what my ego likes to think, and thankfully as Jedess Catwoman had managed to drag herself away from Robbie Williams who was on the stage at the Live Aid concert my third attempt at introductions was about to begin.

It was complicated this week because Morpheus had decided to hand the key in from his latest opening up session which threw me a bit because I had to remember to mention finding a new opener-up-er as well and I asked Mace Windu who I had chosen to read “How it works” to read the preamble – the bit I am supposed to read.

I think the experience of Chairing has made me realise that the way I have run through the steps very early on in my recovery has just in fact been a glorified step one, ten and twelve.

Step One let everyone know I had given up drinking, Step ten take everyone in the rooms inventory excluding my own and Step Twelve spread the word to all my old friends that they should go to the AA as well to keep me company.

Jedess Catwoman’s share was as usual very stimulating to me and seemed to strike a chord with where I was at the moment, I mean she mentioned that the step says make direct amends to those we have harmed and this does not include writing letters which is the way I thought I had got away with especially to my parents.

After listening so closely to all these shares on the program I am starting to realise that my progress so far has been simply playing with words and not seriously feeling the program in my gut.

Maybe the depression I have been feeling is the repressed feelings of being unable to let go of my self will and indeed the past and judging by Jedess Catwomans share this seems to be a very common feeling which comes to everyone after the initial high of the honeymoon period as subsided and lets face it at the climax of the honeymoon period I was never exactly a bundle of laughs.

As the Jedess who is nearly nine years sober concluded her share with a powerful climax about being enveloped by the arms of AA I found myself on autopilot once again with my monotonous voice saying “And I now declare this meeting open” I think in retrospect the feeling of royalty had gone to my head.

The feedback from the room was again good with none of those long awkward silences with everyone staring into space like we were all in a sponsored silence but I found it hard to know where to look as people were sharing back, I think I will start going into meditation mode from now on like Mr Groundhog thereby bypassing this problem.

Anyway I have one more chair to do next week and my star for the final living steps is Jedess Mistress Grace then I can breath a sigh of relief and go back on the famous line of least resistance but then again I think I will start and get involved with AA more because after all it did save my life.

I also think the more you get involved with things the more people have got things to talk to you about and the more you get to know people and thereby the easier it becomes to get involved more because you don’t feel so inhibited and eventually it becomes second nature to you.

I have also started to hang around a little while longer after the meeting basking in my glory and tonight I was talking to The Undertaker about the number of protons forming the order of chemical elements in the periodic table and the chemical structure of Polytetrafluoroethylene.

I think my medication should carry some sort of written warning that the tablets can like alcohol take away your inhibitions but be warned that the subject you talk about if you normally don’t talk to anyone can be extremely unusual.

The undertaker said I could use you in one of my gags on stage, I can just picture it now I hand you a cigarette and say to the audience that my acquaintance here will now detect what other chemical beside nicotine are contained within your precious ciggies.

Then you can take a drag then slowly exhale the fumes before declaring “I detect Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen, Fluorine, Neon ……… Californium, Einsteinium, Fermium, Mendelevium, Nobelium, Lawrencium”

In a way I also have totally changed from the person I was using my step four to lay to rest the past and handing my future over to The Force I can now just enjoy living in the present, so easy to say in words but somewhat difficult to achieve.

Another thing I am starting to get that awful gut feeling when I even think of doing anything wrong and even more unbelievable as my brother crossed the water I could feel absolutely no resentment or anger against him only a gentle affection for his strength of character.

Just for a split second as the water was running down the weir and the children were playing while Squeaky went to see her dad along with Miss Boley I could really feel this force running through me so new but so very very ancient.

Right back from the second the universe was created with no laws nature formed structures of greater and greater complexity always “remembering” the past, atoms, molecules, crystals, cells, organisms, societies, planets and galaxies.

This memory or force from previous similar systems acts through or across time and space involving action of like upon like, once one Hydrogen atom was created in the universe this structure spread outwards creating many more and at the same time the laws that tied the atom together was crystallised in the early universe.

As I looked around me at the moment these thoughts were flowing through my head it felt like the whole of time was slowing down, the water was descending down the wear so slowly that you could see the individual blobs of water sparkling in the sunshine.

The very memories are stored in the past not in our brains, it was clear to me now, not only our actions and words but our very thoughts are affecting other people, even people we do not know including those not yet born.

Our limited senses which we view the world are so small and as I sat on the island the whole of time around me had frozen still, Miss Boley wore an incessant grin with one foot poised in the air, her tail was followed by a number of translucent spheres suspended in the air.

The universal mind was all around me not as a result of my individual thoughts but as a group matrix, which my thoughts were fed from it and this matrix occupied the whole cosmos carrying us, humans within its arms.

I remember thinking as time around me slowly began to move forward slowly once again in jumpy movements that if mind is one massive connected consciousness then just where do our individual personalities fit in.

Our individual egos are just an illusion created by the obsession with self and when we see through this as no doubt mankind will do in the next millennium then many of our ideas about ourselves and our lives will disappear through a very unsolid window.

Suddenly everything around me appeared normal once again and Uncle Bob was stood next to me saying that he didn’t have to go back till quarter past eight and he couldn’t have drink though he would love one because he would get breathalysed.

Of course I shared my story of my 44 weeks so far dry after finding I was totally powerless at controlling my drinking but he stubbornly refused to accept the fact that he had a problem with alcohol even though he had been in a psychiatric hospital for nearly three years as the result of losing his connection to the force.

One hour later and we all found ourselves in the top field the place I have for the last 308 days said my prayers after all sharing a KFC and getting joined by another group of kids on their DT175 while we brought our TY80 Falcon and our beloved Christine.

As I raced round the field I must say I was honestly living in the now without any thought of the past or future, Luke was closely behind me on the Falcon and I was riding the DT, actually laughing to myself hysterically as the superior power of the DT left Luke behind on the straights but the nimble TY with Luke on it caught me on corners.

This is the secret I have lacked for so long, maybe this is why I am always constantly surrounded by kids, not because I share traits with Michael Jackson but because children live in the present and as we get older we are conditioned away from it.

I remember maybe ten years or so ago and myself and Amidala had joined dare I mention it, er Amway and we were told how important it is to have long term goals and ambitions and if you could not visualise yourself somewhere in five years do not be surprised if you don’t end up anywhere!

In the future as more and more people become connected to the force we will no longer be so concerned with our individual problems and start to take a serious interest in the whole of life, the whole planet, the whole of existence.

Once the individual ego has been put in its place life maybe able to start again afresh.

I think I have learned a glorious lesson today as a result of all this cumulative AA brainwashing that the brain is simply a receiving station which picks up droplets from the a huge mind ocean which each has access to the whole ocean.

Living in the now is the key, something that comes natural to children and something that as a society we have to relearn when one by one as adults we find our materialistic society of false worries has created nothing but misery.

The philosophy of AA gives you more, much more than the ability to put down the drink!

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

Your Mind Controls Your Reality

Dear beings of light, so many of you are still so entrapped by your third dimensional mind-set that we have come to address certain realities that are necessary for you to understand in order for you to free yourselves. Elevating into higher realms of thought may be your aim, but you are still not grasping the simplicity of how this is accomplished.

Living in the 4th dimension is the same as living in the 3rd except for one's level of consciousness, for consciousness is synonymous with the mind and with thought. The differences therefore, between one dimension and another lie only in how the mind perceives those realities to be. The fundamental truth is that your mind is the controller of your outer reality. When you are living with a third dimensional mind-set you see yourself as separate from the environment in which you live. Even if you believe yourself to be a spiritual being, you still see yourself as chained by circumstances outside of your control, which compels you to reside in this dimension until you can some how free yourself from this. What you have failed to understand is that it is only your own thoughts which are controlling and holding you in this third dimension.

We give you some examples. Today, for instance, many of you are focusing your attention on the wars and violence which are taking place in many parts of your world. Others are focusing their attention on the nefarious activities of your governments. Millions of children the world over, are sitting in front of computer or television screens focusing their attention on scenes of violence, hatred, fear and aggression. Teenagers are plugged into loud and disorientating music, or are experimenting with drugs and alcohol all of which is done to relieve their boredom. Everywhere people are addicted to violence, to distraction and to disharmony on all levels. You crave to be thrilled and have excitement. You crave to be entertained. You crave drama and to be blitzed out of your reality in one way or another. But who is creating this reality? You are! All of you.

Every time you open a newspaper and read about violence you are adding energy to those negative events because you are thinking about them. Every time you turn on the news to hear what's going on in your world, you are adding your energy to those negative situations in the same way. Every time you surf the internet to read about conspiracies you are adding your energy to these negative activities. This is because whatever you focus your mind upon and think about is manifested into your reality. Your thoughts join all the other thoughts that are of like-mind and the more of you that are thinking and focusing on the same things, then of course those are going to be created right in front of you. And the thought forms or mind-set to which you are contributing are fear, aggression, distrust, enmity and hatred. Have we shocked you?

Even though you think that you are concentrating on these issues in order to focus love and peace upon them, it doesn't work. The overriding energies are concerned with violence. Any thoughts of love simply go into the melting pot and are mostly eaten up by the stronger negative energies which are already circulating because those are the dominant energies at this time. There are not yet enough of you to permanently change this status quo in this way. So, a different approach is required if you really want to lift yourselves and your fellow beings into a more benign environment.

Currently, a minute percentage of the six billion people who reside on Earth have managed to break their addiction to violent thought. These people are currently walking through the door into the 4th dimension because they have been able to change what they think about. They have accepted responsibility for how they think by making an active choice to change their focus of attention. But in order to do this they have had to move away from the centre of your big cities and leave their jobs and businesses so as not to be distracted. They have also had to distance themselves from friends and even family members. They have stopped reading newspapers and watching television news. When they watch a video or a film they actively choose only those that are uplifting. When they find that they are watching something that is depressing or promoting hatred and violence they switch off or leave that environment. They are discerning in their entertainment. They are also discerning in their choice of people in whose company they choose to be. These people live quiet lives. They do not get involved in the politics of life. They keep themselves separate, and in some cases quite isolated, because this has been the only way that they have been able to break the hold of third dimensional fear-based thought. Up until this time, this has been the only way that they could elevate themselves and open the doorway for everyone else, and they have had to fight hard against your hold on them, because it is your thought forms that they have had to isolate themselves from.

Now is the time for this isolation to come to an end. These people have much wisdom to share with you but they cannot do so until you all show willing to support yourselves and clean up your thought forms. It is time for some personal discipline. It is time to stop focusing on violence. It is time to stop focusing on control. Stop thinking about what the government is doing and about earth changes which might or might not happen. Stop watching despair and terror. It is time to begin to listen to harmony and look at beauty. Every single one of you can do this. It is not hard. All it takes is discipline and commitment. Just imagine how it would be if six billion people focused their attention on beauty, harmony and joy! What kind of world would those thoughts produce? Do you see dear ones that it is time for you to accept that it is you who is personally responsible for the world that you live in?

Change that world by changing how you think. Set your intention to think about harmony and joy. Sit in your gardens, or beside a lake or a stream, or the ocean if it is nearby, or sit in a forest, but look at the beauty around you. Focus on that. Relax in your homes listening to light and uplifting harmonies. Put the chatter chatter of talk-back radio and voyeuristic television programmes away from your consciousness. Focus on your own beauty and project that out into your world. Then when you come together into your groups and join your beauteous energies to be magnified, then people for hundreds of miles will feel it. That then helps them to change because your focus of energy is powerfully enervating the force of love. Eventually, when there are enough of you focusing on joy and harmony, all the time, then those energies become the dominant force and propel you all into the 4th dimension.

Living in any dimension is simply a matter of thought. It is the collective thought that produces the frequency band of that dimension. If you want to experience a different dimension you have to uplift your thought into that frequency. So do you now see dear ones, what you must do? Get the ball rolling. Take responsibility for your thoughts. Lift yourself into a more beautiful and positive mind-set. Focus your attention on harmony and joy and watch your world change. It all now rests upon your own thoughts!

I don’t know, suddenly I became so bored with writing about my life and the AA spiced up with tales of Jedis and Sorcerers that I simply could no longer sit in front of this computer screen and write another word.

I am going through yet another Spiritual Change and this time its coming from deep within me, I think I am on the brink finally of truly accepting a higher power and no longer paying lip service to it.

I have thought to myself why do I keep going to the AA, is it simply to fill that huge void that has opened up in my life, is it just to enjoy some form of artificial social life or is it really to keep me away from alcohol.

In the last week Lukes mum, Amidala has again chosen to go back and have another try at living happily ever after with her emperor but Luke has decided that on this occasion enough is enough and is not having any of it.

He point blank refused to go and live there and when I took him along to face her he told her that he wants to live with his dad and that no matter how much she tries no body will ever replace his dad.

This obviously made me feel good it was only a little over 1 year ago that I won my battle for “contact” and now here I was with virtual custody of my own son handed to me on a plate a testament to things that can be achieved by simply avoiding being consumed by the darkness of alcoholic reality.

Luke agreed to go back and see his mother on Wednesday night and promised her he would be there for her outside school tonight but at the last minute had a change of heart and has she was waiting at the front entrance he sneaked out of the back to escape to his Grandmas.

His mum was in fast pursuit but not quick enough because by the time she had arrived here at my mums Luke had run off with some of his new friends, of course an angry Amidala phoned me at work as a direct result of all this chaos which I promised I would escort Luke back to her and her Emperors house as soon as I got home.

Luke was adamant that he was no longer living back over there no matter what but I told him he must still face her after all she is his mother and deserved better than all this sneaking about.

Luke has witnessed his mum been beaten up and physically thrown down the stairs by this guy, and him, her and his little sister have been catapulted out into the night with their bags following them in more than a douzen occasions only to have his mum go crawling back.

Although I do not know The Emperor personally it is rumoured by many that he his a classic Jaquel & Hyde Alcoholic and his favourite little tipple being 3 to 5 bottles of QC sherry.

Anyway tonight I knew was the final conflict in this situation and as I took Luke back I promised him that I would not interfere but just act as a mediator and it was up to him to explain his mind to his mother.

After Luke explaining that his brother who was two years younger than him had gone to live with his father “Zooming Jason” due to him been unable to cope with life with the emperor he explained he couldn’t take it any more neither.

So after much negotiation it was agreed that until Amidalas life is stable enough to warrant change Luke will visit her Sunday Night, Wednesday Night and Thursday Night and spend the rest of his time at my house.

Luke said in his grown up manner that there were too points he wanted to make with regards to her boyfriend…

that he was cautious and had a right to be judging by the number of times they had found there selves walking home after he had beat her up and chucked then out

and B er well he didn’t need a B because A was so good

Anyway now its agreed and all without costing over one grand in solicitors fees because I don’t drink anymore and if it came round to another dispute with CAFFCASS officers many questions would be asked of her obsession with this crazy lunatic who is tearing her family apart.

Sadly as is very much the case for I am sure many insecure girls living with alcoholic partners her love is blind but I know my history would hardly conjure up an image of a saint and like her own father she seems to be drawn to people like this.

Escaping from the clutches of alcoholic insanity is hardly an easy task but one day at a time and with encouragement of Nutmeg Billy who sent me an email tonight I am crossing that bridge which is a long lonely journey hopefully into a bright new world

After years of just living in my own little brain and always “going to” do something new it is a huge milestone to make even a small step forward into doing something new again.

We can say all the prayers we want and project good thoughts to others but in order to have any real change in the real world we have to follow this all up by action so it with great satisfaction that I can announce that last night I went on an expedition.

I have kept telling myself that one day I will buy a tent but this never comes to anything because I never actually physically do it but yesterday I went to Argos and bought a 4-man tent at the reduced price of £29.99.

I also purchased three sleeping bags at £6 each, A camping stove for £20, A lantern and two torches for £15 plus a Rucksack and pots, pans plates etc and after my AA meeting on Saturday night myself, Miss Boley, Squeaky and Luke all hiked the one mile plus journey down to Echo Beach to give our new home a trial run.

I say new home because when the lady in Argos on the Cash desk took my Credit card she smiled at Luke and said something along the lines of you are going camping but Luke who had been carefully trained on this response blurted out the Council was throwing his daddy out because he hadn’t paid his council tax.

Now I know the AA recommend total honesty but a little white lie here and there I am assured by the elders is allowed especially when it lightens someone’s day and I must admit I have never seen someone laugh so much.

So here we all were en-route to the river hoping that we could make it there before the sun set since I hadn’t a clue how to assemble the tent however when we arrived it was incredibly easy, it seems tents have evolved somewhat since the ones I remember since this just had three poles which formed a dome.

While Luke and Squeaky looked for firewood I assembled our new Gas burner and threw in the Beef burgers in the past we used to cook on the campfire but this new gadget made the fire superfluous.

My memory jumped back in time to maybe 15 years ago when a load of us young crazy adolescents would go camping and the main ingredient was alcohol and the second lots of load music that was before the long downward spiral into the alcoholic pit I was still only beginning to wake up from.

The burgers were lovely and enjoying a cup of tea out there in the night air was fantastic as was seeing Boley sat in front of our campfire and looking at an excited Luke and Squeaky excitedly telling each other ghost stories.

I told the story of the headless dog, The Creepy Crawley Hand and of course reminded them of films such as Blair Witch and American Werewolf in London which I had left them both watching before I set off for the AA.

Soon we were all in the tent with Miss Boley wondering why she didn’t have a sleeping bag rather beady eyed listening to the distant thunder of the M62 and the roar of water from the nearby weir.

The only thing I miss with camping is the bony floor and the lack of pillows but I guess that is part of the fun, the last time I camped and indeed all times prior to that I never remember actually going to sleep it was usually when I passed out which was of course well into black-out mode.

I dreamt that it was really windy and the tent was collapsing, outside the tent the rain was pouring and the river was close to breaking the bank but I couldn’t wake up eventually I did to Miss Boley barking and Luke whispering there was someone outside.

I awoke at half past nine with the tent absolutely sweltering with the morning sun, Squeaky was outside cooking me beans and Sausage and Luke was investigating why bundles of twigs were surrounding our tent and trying to reason what there purpose was (only joking)

After our breakfast Luke and Squeaky went for a swim in the River while me and Miss Boley did the washing up, Miss Boley ate all the food that remained on the plates while I washed everything in the River with gone out looks emanating from the early occupants of the pub across the weir.

WE then carefully packed our tent away managing for the first time ever in my sober experience of camping to pack everything back into the respective bags it came in and it was great to walk back home without that retching tired aching horrible hangover that would always accompany such expeditions far in the past.

Having survived one day at the River I now plan to jump up to the next step of exploring the Lake District with Luke for a week, well Monday till Friday of the week after next I have also been reading “Long Way Round” by Ewan [Obiwan] McGregar & Charley Boorman.

It is an excellent book describing there experiences of travelling round the planet earth on two motorcycles but I think for me that is one experience that will probably remain in my thought-world and not be transformed into reality but who knows?

This Holiday was my first since I hit the buffers with alcohol at Skipsea and wound up becoming part of Alcoholics Anonymous so it was with some genuine fear that I decided to risk doing something that could lead me back to where I started this journey.

My Cybermum had advised me that if I didn’t reach out for new hobbies and sit and constantly reflect on the past I would live my life looking backwards and also with the notion nothing ventured nothing gained me, my 10 ¾ year old son Luke and my 4 ½ year old dog Miss Boley found ourselves in our Ford Focus Cmax climbing up the mountains into the Lake District.

The view from the beautiful winding roads was awesome has we left Windermere towards Ambleside and on to narrower and narrower lanes which became progressively steeper once we went through the village of Coniston and on towards a tiny hamlet called “Nether Wasdale” which is situated some 5 miles south west of the car park which is as far as cars can go before the 3208 foot Scaffel Pike the tallest mountain in England.

A few wrong turns later with Luke map reading and me driving we found ourselves in a isolated campsite in the middle of nowhere and the silence in the air had to be witnessed to be believed it seems to absorb all the sounds that emanated from the beautiful campsite.

The first evening there after I had pitched my tent I sank into depression, Luke had run off and easily made friends with the many other kids at the site and I was sat with Miss Boley, my mind immediately jumped back to eleven months ago when I was sat isolated at Skipsea with just a bottle of whisky for company and feeling like I lived on a different planet to everyone else.

In my short journey learning about the disease of alcoholism I have come to realise that there are two sorts, one who drinks too much and gets depression as a consequence of the chemical properties of alcohol and its action on the human body and the second who is usually a bit of a loner and finds he drinks to alleviate the symptoms of depression whose cause lies much deeper and I have come to recognise myself as the latter type.

Of course the depression caused by alcohol is still there in the latter type but negligible compared to the more ferocious and deep rooted depression that is always never far away except when you drink yourself senseless which gives a welcoming if only temporary relief.

Sat by my tent I decided to do what I always do on occasions like these and take Miss Boley for a walk so off we went out of the village through numerous farm gates into this distant meadow and I prayed, in the air a falcon called over the mountains and I could feel my higher power fill the gap the blackness had only moments earlier occupied.

The first night in the tent was comfortable and cosy especially since we had invested in a blow up camp bed and an electric pump, which plugs into the cars cigarette lighter, simply a must for any camping trip especially after the trial run I had down at the river the week before without it.

Sunday was hot and sunny and we set off early after our camping breakfast of sausage and beans on the mini butane stove, after a brief visit to the nearest village with a shop, a place called Gosthorpe to obtain our tea we drove back past the camp dropping our food off then down to Wast water supposedly the deepest lake in England.

WE then went on towards Wasdale Head some 5 miles further up the valley and parked our car before setting off somewhat ill prepared to climb the legendary Scafell Pike which at 978m is the tallest mountain in England.

The journey up was long and tiring and we had no provisions with us and were both just in T shirts with Miss Boley trotting faithfully along beside us, but the view was absolutely stunning. WE met many people going the other way coming down the mountain and they were all armed with back packs, ski poles and maps while we just looked like we were aimlessly taking the dog for a stroll in the park.

As we climbed the slope at first I pointed to Luke at the distant peak, which I assumed was the summit, climbing further another even more distant peak revealed itself and climbing further still yet another came into view which was taller than the other two and this we were assured by someone dripping with sweat descending down was the actual peak so at last able to see where we were aiming we pressed on.

Luke said it would be no problem for us Jedi to achieve, but since we had brought nothing to drink we had to improvise with drinking from streams.

we made our way towards Scafell and crossed to the right down this stream which had gorged its way down the mountain, now I must point out like everything in life there is a fine line between foolishness and spirit of adventure and very soon the stream became a huge cutting between two vertical banks of stone.

The drops with waterfalls became progressively greater until we reached a point that was impassable especially with Miss Boley, the drop was nearly 15 feet and even if we had succeeded in getting her down there into would have been impossible to get her back up should we meet even greater obstacles further down.

With me at the bottom on slippery rock, Luke poised halfway up a slippy slope hanging on and Miss Boley at the top frustrated she couldn’t follow us we made a decision to back-track and go back down the way we came up.

I managed somehow to climb back up past Luke who was stranded to where Boley was and between me and Boley and the dog lead we managed to get Luke back to the top, we then scrambled up the grass bank with adrenaline assisting our aching limbs before following the piles of rocks back the way we came.

By the we made it back to camp it was past 10pm and we were all utterly exhausted after our beef burgers and beans we managed to sleep through a group of drunks getting thrown off the site due to their antisocial behaviour and there tent was right next to ours.

I found this out on Monday morning when I went into visit the site office to extend our stay a couple more days at £9.50 per night and the nice lady in there enquired if we had been disturbed by our noisy neighbours, I could remember thinking it was odd that they were drinking Laudenbrau when we had set off for the next village the morning before.

I told her I couldn’t stand drunks and fully supported her no noise policy after 11pm adding that I had only booked in a couple of nights at a time so we could wonder off if we found ourselves surrounded with drunken youths.

She promised me that there would be no problems here since they had zero tolerance to drunkenness and I felt very slightly hypocritical when I agreed with her that antisocial behaviour as a result of drinking was a cause of many of societies problems today and I myself do not touch the stuff.

So I am sat here in the second photo after recovering from our adventure on the first and its Monday morning when I would normally be at work but instead here I am writing this, Miss Boley was asleep until I woke her up to get this photo taken by the gentleman who has the tent next to us who is shortly going mountaineering on one of the Great Bear (I think) south faces.

No wonder he looked at me odd when I told him of our problems down the waterfall it is probably nothing more than a stream to him judging by all the equipment he and his son are loading into the car.

Luke says its rest day today and has gone off to play with his friends, one of his friends father has just been over to see me explaining that he is going to Gosthorpe today to pick up a few odds and ends but it seems a shame taking his sons with him who are happily playing with Luke, he added it is site rules that they cannot be left unsupervised so would I watch over them.

I have asked him to fetch me some washing powder preferably Daz which gives a special bluey whiteness that I will like and I might be adventurous to do a spot of washing in the Landry room round the back of the toilet block which I am told is the only place on site where you can pick up a signal for your mobile phone.

I am therefore now sat watching Luke and is friends climbing a tree in the middle of the site and wondering whether I should interfere or not, the peace here is fantastic except for the constant distant baaing of sheep.

Late Tuesday and the mountaineer returns telling me about a road called “Hard Knott Pass” enroute between Salem Bridge and Ambleside while I have spent all day resting but I am feeling just a little depressed now.

The Mountaineer says that the slopes have gradients of up to 1 in 3 and the road is single tracked a lot of the way with no passing places, he got stuck on a hill and the wheels were just spinning on the gravel and at another point the road crosses a huge stream where the water goes over the door and you have to keep the gas on to stop the water coming in, I make a mental note not to go there and go back to reading my book.

Tuesday morning arrives after yet more beef burgers and beans we set off to find a place where our mobile phone will work and with no luck round the back of the toilet shed or indeed anywhere on site we have to travel nearly the full distance to Gosthorpe to get a signal.

I am then presented with a few text messages most saying “Cannot Be Displayed Here” but one does find its way through from Jedess Mercury my fellow padawan from Mollys and talks about the weather being “yucky” down south and by the sounds of Radio Baa-Baa which we can pick up here is a sign of things coming our way by Thursday.

Luke phones his mum Amidala who complains she has been trying to reach us on Sunday for Lukes sister Leas birthday party but couldn’t get through, so I explain about the problem with phone reception here and she seems understanding and dare I say it quite happy for once.

Luke agrees that he will visit her on Sunday when we get back and might even stay the week, both me and Amidala have now decided to leave it up to Luke with whom he wants to stay with and when, because just because me and her no longer see eye to eye about things does not mean Luke has to suffer as a consequence.

After I had phoned my dad who talked to the dog for a while we made our way the next 15 miles towards Whitehaven to have a look round the shops and have a walk along the beach, after a visit to Argos while the dog whined outside me and Luke fell out for the first and only time because Luke wanted a hand held play station that ran on the cars cig lighter