“Eventually” said Luke as we returned from the field tonight with a happy faithful Miss Boley tottering along beside us “the little people in your head were nearly all thinking about cans of beer and there was only one tiny part left that had little daddys in them”
“But I know it might sound stupid right but on that last day when we came back from on holiday somehow a part of my brain jumped in your brain and it helped the little bit that was left being Michael”
We turned the corner out of the dark field up the slippery slope and through the gap in the edge towards the housing estate, which was once long in my past green fields and joined the stretch of road that would lead us back to my mums.
“I think I am having my second Quantum Jump Luke” I said in reply, we often have these conversations that probably only we understand, you see I hardly ever really talk to many people but the few people I do talk to I only talk real deep like.
Poor Luke has had to put up with my crazy mind all his life and I think in a lot of ways he knows his dad better than his dad knows himself, but this last week or so I have felt really ill and weird.
Luke pauses as if contemplating carefully my last comment and then continues unabated “Then Dad you realised you couldn’t beat all the beer people in your head and I couldn’t be here all the time looking after you that why I told you to go get some more people who didn’t have beer people in there head”.
We walked towards the post which I normally play “lampposts” with Miss Boley, well that was before she became wise to it, and she looked at us enquiringly paused at the post but we walked past without bothering to be awkward and try and go round it the wrong direction from the way she had anticipated we would choose.
“So you rung up the AA and then the battle in your head started as more and more of your head became full up with people who didn’t drink and now you are here and even though you think you are doing well the beer people could still win if you even had just one sip of beer”
I have really been feeling ill this week, back to throwing up in a morning, severe headaches and a general feeling of tiredness and I feel really angry that I can still feel poorly even though I don’t drink, surely I should be feeling top of the world all the time now I am no longer poisoning my body – Its just not fair!
Last night I nearly reduced myself to tears when all the pent up emotion came to the surface while sharing at Dewsbury, I felt really strange, I suppose it was the first time I had showed true emotion in front of so many people when I read out a letter written by my son to the audience.
It was also the first time in my life that I have really felt part of something, especially when everyone started to share back to me from the floor, first The Undertaker, then Master Mace Windu, my good friend and co driver The Future Rugby Player.
Although I am not allowed by the AA traditions to disclose what they said it made me feel like a star guest on that old TV program which I think has vanished now a days called “This Is Your Life”.
I normally went to Holmfirth on Thursdays but how could I refuse being asked to share by someone over three decades sober, indeed when he asked me the Friday before I found myself unable to refuse, it was as if I was under his powerful spell and this further reinforced my faith in the force as my higher power.
The Wise One told me to try not to swear and to notice that it only mentions alcohol but once in the twelve steps so I should share about my time under its sinister spell in the same proportion.
I think he was trying to make me feel calm as the room began to fill, he said that those who choose psychiatrists and councillors rarely get better and more champions are born with the AA than any other form of treatment.
As I began to pour my heart out once again with the old familiar story I could feel The Wise Ones energy radiating through me and giving me strength, of course I explained about the Miserable Michael / Michael Madonna, the metamorphosis that took place in the early days of drinking between the two and my hay day towards the end of the eighties when I became a celebrity on the dance floors of Wakefield.
The feeling of loss when I awoke in the morning and my chariot had once again become a pumpkin and I was back to my old self barely able to string a couple of words together in any conversation.
I also told them all of my current understanding of the steps up to where I am now with step nine and of course “The Force” similar to the one in George Lucas’s Star Wars taking the form of my higher power to such an extent that it was now becoming real.
However it was the reading of the letter from my ten year old son that really brought out the emotions that I had stubbornly kept at bay for what has felt like years, I struggled through it drawing on a lot of energy from The Wise One patiently seated at the side of me to complete the task.
A young lady sat across from me had tears running down her face as I finished the marathon visibly shaken and overwhelmed with a feeling that my mind, my brain had achieved a Quantum Jump in understanding of the AA principle really deep down in its very core.
As I sit here writing these words on the computer that has become a place of salvation for explaining the way in which I feel I can only say that the two worlds have become a great deal closer.
The two worlds being how I project my personality out to others and the way I honestly feel inside.
I have asked my Guardian Angel if I can finally change my Forum log in name from Mad Mick because I feel a lot more aware of my defects of character since my brain took another Quantum Leap in understanding of the AA principle over the weekend.
I had another vivid dream last night that “Dripping Tap” my spirit guide in this incarnation was sat with me and it was a few months henceforth in the future and I had been made redundant from my place of work for insisting that I had Jedi placed before my name on the local intranet contacts list or I wasn’t answering the phone anymore.
The HR department had given me a number of verbal warnings that I stubbornly refused to accept before taking this drastic action and the letter of dismissal contained the line “Failure to live in the real world”.
I know it was only a dream, you might say but I do take my dreams real seriously especially ones that contain this bronze skinned American Indian who I look up to and I took this as a sign that maybe my forum name was starting to look a little dated.
Also over the weekend I have made a further two maybe three amends off my list, first was my Ex and my sons mother, the second being my old works manager from Sellers Captain Beaky and the third being a friend from the long distant past called Steptoe and neither of the last two were on my original list or the since revised list.
Luke Mum asked me on Friday when I went to pick Luke up if I could assemble a couple of those flat pack set of drawers she had purchased from her step fathers catalogue on Saturday so this gave me the opportunity to make my amends.
I suppose in some ways I have always carried a torch for her even when things got real bad between us I still care for her even though I pretend that the things I do I do for Luke.
It also seems in the AA and in particular step three, turn our will over to our higher power that this gives the impression we should sit back idly and await some fairy God Mother to come crashing out of the sky and wave her wand and suddenly by some miraculous coincidence we will be in the perfect relationship.
So we wait and we wait then grow old and die without ever having truly loved someone just because the time wasn’t right or the person of our desires did not seem “perfect enough”, now I am not saying me and Lukes Mum would be back together again but I could still feel something between us.
Anyway at the end of a good day I bought her a Chinese with these tokens that me and Squeaky had been saving up and asked to accept it as a token of my apology of all the bad things I had done.
Her reply was sort of half jokingly but maybe half serious along the lines of you will have to keep up this change of personality you have started for a lot longer than a few months before I would accept your apology and I think I realised that was as good as I was going to get up this particular avenue.
In between assembling the two sets of drawers I paid our usual visit up town mainly so that Squeaky could buy herself a pair of new boots and bumped into Captain Beaky whist stuffing our faces with Cornish Pasties and Buns from Gregs.
It was the first time I had seen him since he made me redundant over four years ago and when he spotted us he looked like was about to do a runner but noticing it was too late and I had spotted him too his face dropped.
I was never sure how I would react if I ever saw him again but with the spiritual programming I have received from the AA the conversation that followed was like two old friend meeting who had not seen each other for years though he still could not seem to exorcise that air of authority from his voice I wished him well as we continued our respective paths through life.
And talking of Old friends I had a surprise today when one of my old biker friends came to see me today just as me, Squeaky and Luke were about to set off with the motorbikes for the field.
Steptoe as we used to call him appeared with his army of three kids and another in the oven and I don’t think I have bumped into him for over a year and that was when I was out of my tree on super strengths.
Obviously we had a chat about old times and I think he was genuinely surprised to see how much I had changed and I also grasped the opportunity to make amends to him for anything I had done wrong in the past which he promptly accepted with a look of confused amusement.
So there I am with nine of the twenty people on my list (which keeps growing) but feeling much stronger everyday and just I was getting tongue tied for something to say Katkins post me a message to says she is glad I have decided to change my handle.
With that I will close this little addition to my weblog on my 31st week of sobriety with a big thanks to everyone in Mollys Forum who has put up with my madness for so long… See you all soon…
Its been a strange week this week, I have felt a bit paranoid somehow thinking that everyone is watching me, The Doctor gave a thought provoking share on Monday about his time in sobriety and the meeting was Chaired by the Messiah who to say he hadn’t done the job before was doing an excellent service.
I had the key for our Holmfirth venue so with a bit of help from my new friend The Texan Ranger we set the meeting up with particular emphasis on the reading material and of course a nice prominent position for the Yellow Card.
The Doctor said he missed those huge peaks and troughs er mood swings caused by alcohol and the instant hit that chemicals would provide but was gradually getting used to the middle of the road feelings and coming to realise that just feeling okay was okay.
The Doctors story in a way emulated that of the chairer The Messiah in the respect that they had both entered the AA via the route of hospitalisation that had destroyed any hope of anonyminity that the rest of the fellowship seem to find so important in there lives.
Anyway in a I suppose act of revenge The Messiah had given me the twelve traditions to read out and I could honestly feel a disturbance in the force or collective consciousness as I did so at the end of the meeting.
After another chaotic few days at work where were expected to know about new processes we were supposed to be now observing by telepathy since the communication down to the people who do the jobs from the heady heights of the new hierarchy seems abysmal.
On Wednesday The Texas Ranger gave me a lift to our Brighouse venue and would you believe asked me to be his sponsor, when I told him I didn’t think I was ready yet to take on the responsibility he said he would wait until I thought I was ready.
I asked him why he didn’t want someone much older and wiser in AA terms to be his sponsor, someone who has years of sobriety under there sleeve and could lead him through the steps into the new world properly trained to use the force as a valuable ally.
He replied that I would treat anything he told me about his life without gossiping about it!
I told him I would go see my Sponsor and ask him the question if I could be a Jedi Master but seen I had only just made it to halfway through step nine I honestly did not think I was ready for the commitment yet.
So instead of enjoying the Big Book Study at our Homfirth venue I hastily arranged a visit to JMSS’s house on Thursday to discuss my progress so far .
I explained to my sponsor where I was with step nine and how many of the people still on my list were hard to find, the advice he gave me was that as long as I was willing to make amends when the people are placed on my path by my higher power I could complete the rest of this step in Gods time and not my own.
In fact if I prompted the process by eagerly searching for these people and writing them letters explaining my quest it would appear to them that I had gone a little odd to say the least.
He also said that he had known people rush through step nine and make grandiose amends to all the people they had hurt in there life so far then go back afterwards treating them like sh*t.
He added emphasis that completion of the steps is not some mystical process that would somehow change us all into archetypical Jedi Warriors but was a fundamental change in our hearts on how we were going to live the rest of our lives.
Step ten is simply living the first nine steps on a daily basis, steps 1-3 accepting its Gods will not your own, steps 4&5 making prompt inventory of your daily events and at this point JMSS made reference to my daily web chronicle adding that as I moved forward into the future things I could get away with in the past would no longer be considered acceptable.
He also indicated that “making a daily personal inventory” was just indeed that and did not include what other members of the AA were doing or where they were in there personal journeys even if they were faintly disguised under derogatory nicknames.
Being continually aware of our faults and asking for there removal (steps 6 and &) and continually admitting when we were wrong without letting it fester in our subconscious.
Step eleven was listening to our Higher Power as with meditation which is something personal to ourselves along with talking to our higher power with prayer which are better said from the heart and not recited from memory.
Finally step twelve was maybe the most important part of the AA since this breathes new life into the AA and can only be learned by experience, so he continued if I now wish to go help the Texan Ranger he was handing me the baton.
I might therefore jump in at the deep end and except the job of sponsorship, I am sure I will learn much more than sitting idly back with a feeling of smugness, after all there is no standing still in this program as that equates to moving back to where we came from and that is unthinkable!
Tonight I went to my usual Sunday night AA meeting and parking my car in Dewsbury Railway Station Car Park I bumped into Yoda who took me to my first meeting exactly 32 weeks ago.
I proudly told him of the length of time I had been sober and my gratitude to him for bringing me to that first meeting so long ago and we got talking about the fact that staying power in the AA comes a lot from just how bad you were before you cried out for help.
He told me a tale about this emperor from the new testament giving forgiveness to these two people who were both in debt to him one for just £50 and the other for £50000 and he asked me who had the greatest gratitude.
The answer being obviously the latter and that was exactly the case with myself, I came to the AA spiritually bankrupt and if it wasn’t for the continuous help of my parents I would certainly have been a classic example of an alcoholic on a park bench in a huge black mac with a pair of odd size wellys and a few bottles of White Lightning.
The amount I owe the AA and the continuous meetings I attend cannot have any value put on it and I do try to put things back into the fellowship in the way I know how through sharing my experience strength and hope at the top table and trying to put my thoughts into an analogy with maybe a fantasy world.
I say maybe because I am not quite sure yet if there is some truth in this “force” concept seemingly dreamt up by George Lucus in the early seventies, certainly my extensive knowledge of the frontiers of theoretical physics and ancient mysticism seems to indicate that in the words of Robert Shieldrake there seems to be some form of “morph genetic” field resonating through living things.
The feeling of the “I” concept simply cannot be explained away by the brain acting as huge culmination of chemical reactions ask any neurosurgeon or advanced biologist there has to be something far more fundamental and this could be explained by the very roots of Quantum Mechanics with the brain acting as a sort of receiving station of consciousness.
This in turn means that everything that is, yet will be and has been is all connected at a far deeper level than time or space in fact the four dimensions of time-space as discovered by Einstein would be like a reflection from this real world of universal mind and therefore like the big book says this world we all inhabit is really like a stage which we are just actors.
Some of us get really caught up in the drama of life so much so that they really believe that is all there is, they loose the vantage point to stand back and look at the bigger picture of where we are all really going.
The inability to escape from the picture leaves some of us with a longing for something more and using alcohol or other mind changing drugs can give us that instant escape, in some of us who seem to have a different level of thinking than the average individual this escape escalates to the point it takes over the persons life completely.
As the turn of the millennium has passed I think many more people will start to wake up from this cold mechanical world which was explained by the Physics of Newton over 300 years ago and move forward into the un-chartered waters of a more spiritually fulfilling life.
The Big Book that I think is a fascinating achievement by someone called Bill in the 1930s gives us a lot of avenues for thought in this direction when he ponders a lot of the way people think of the world in the Chapter “We are agnostics”.
By each of us adopting a “Power Greater Than Ourselves” I think Bill was acknowledging the fact that to have any chance of a lengthily stay at sobriety we all need something to believe in.
I believe the God concept of some supreme being sat in the sky looking down on us all was conjured up in ancient times to make civilisation possible due to the fear of wrongdoing equates to eternal punishment in the hereafter.
That is just my personal belief at this moment in time of my recovery and as Bill says everyone is entitled to choose any concept they want as a higher power and indeed some choose the collective consciousness of the AA or the fellowship they attend.
So why is it so unbelievable that a collective consciousness of all living things which inhabits this universe connecting them together in the oneness of a universal mind or force can be laughed at or thrown away as a fantasy world?
I also believe that the “oneness” principle also creates an atmosphere of “love thy neighbour as thyself” because as soon as we realise we are all connected then by hurting one another really we are only hurting ourselves and us alcoholics are affected more than most by the resentments we carry.
Adding the label of Jedi to someone who is transformed by a spiritual experience whilst completing the twelve steps of the AA and a Master to someone who actively sponsors another spiritually empty human are simply just that labels but to me they further compliment the chosen higher power I have adopted.
I am only at the 7-8 month level of my time in sobriety which it seems is the yardstick by which everyone in the AA is measured and who knows as I grow spiritually my “force” might begin to resemble a form of God as we traditionally understand him.
Has for having a sense of humour, well they do say that laughter is the best medicine but that is not something that is at odds with treating this deadly serious issue of alcoholism we all share.
Sometimes I think I am lucky, my dad as you probably all know suffers from the progressive Parkinsons Disease and I am sure he would love the cure that we have from our disease that is attending a handful of meetings per week and not pouring gallons of poison down our throats one day at a time.
Dont Think For A Day (Inspired By JM The Wise One Day 230)
When the alcohol is gone all we have left is this head which tells us things none stop, I have heard time and time again how we are the worst company for ourselves and now I am really starting to take this on board.
My head tells me that I am easily the most important person at a meeting and if I honour the meeting with a few words of wisdom everyone should be eternally grateful, but sadly for them I often choose to leave those precious moments for special occasions.
My Head tells me that at work the company just could not survive any longer if it wasn’t for my phenomenal intelligence and my dedication to my duties and of course everyone would be catapulted into a world of despair if I ever left and found another job.
Sometimes I really believe I have been chosen by some wonderful spirit in the sky to grace this planet with my presence only most people don’t know it yet I have extraordinary powers.
The other day I was joining the M62 from the slip road that leaves the Tingley roundabout at junction 28 when this car slowed down while joining the first lane of the motorway narrowing the gap between a space for me and this “Hallmark” box wagon which was hurtling down flashing his lights and tooting his horn.
Taking evasive action I pulled on to the hard shoulder to allow the lunatic time to pass me then pulled out behind him sticking twos up and shouting a whole string of profanities at the driver who had probably been on the move most of the day.
I hoped he would have one of those signs which read “How’s my driving phone xxxxxxx” but he didn’t so I mentally made a note of the registration so I could use my voodoo powers to make him realise just who he had just cut up!
Are these feelings common to alcoholics, many of us pay lip service to the steps but getting them deep into our very soul takes a lot of time and practise and at just coming up to 33 weeks it is mere sunrise yet for me.
The Wise One told me tonight in his usual manner that when we eventually let go and let God in to our hearts and just stop thinking and trying to control things is when the very things we have been trying to make happen start happening all by themselves.
Don’t know what brought all that on last night but today has been different again, I think I suffer from lack of exercise in the week, I am sat in front of a computer all day and sat at meetings all night and by Friday my endorphin count is practically zero and my mind starts playing its tricks on me.
With the weekend come Luke and Squeaky and today Luke brought along his best friend Lili and they have spent the afternoon out in the field playing on Lukes little motorbike Christine while I read my book about “Psychic Powers” I purchased from the Market.
Now the field which they ride Christine is the same field which I say my prayers and is a good distance from the majority of the population being only visited by the odd dog walker and of course Christines exhaust is jam packed with wire wool to stifle most of the noise.
Most of the dog walkers are okay about the “Children Of The Revolution” (as I like to call them) having a bit of fun but occasionally a miserable old biddie has something to say and indeed today that was the case.
“Oye Do you know you shouldn’t be riding them on this field” shouted Mr Scrooge To Luke whilst making his way up the far side of the field from where I was sat supervising out of site.
Luke rather than shouting back a load of cheek simply turned his bike round and came back and reported the incident to me.
This brought my memory back to when I enjoyed a few beers and joints in this very field so long ago and I thought back about how I would of hated my personal space which comprised of the whole field in them days being invaded by a load of kids on a motorbike.
At the same time, didn’t Mr Scrooge have fun when he was younger, which brings me round to tonight’s share by Jedi Master Coilminer which was on the general subject of steps 10, 11 and 12 – The Living Steps.
Step Ten in particular which means making a daily inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitting it and I guess this means having the ability to Live and Let Live, treat people as you find them rather than prejudging them based on hearsay.
Like the Coilminer said, the lad who lives in the flat above him isn’t exactly judged as a saint – far from it – by the general community and tends to react to people accordingly usually with anger or at the very least indifference.
Like the old saying people make you who you are, if the majority treat you badly you act bad but The Coilminer treats this guy like a friend and with respect and the guy reacts back by trying his hardest to do nothing wrong in fact goes out of his way to reassure The Coilminer that all the heresay is wrong.
I think the jest of what I am trying to say is that everybody is unique and wouldn’t the world be real boring if they wasn’t but when we begin to acknowledge that we aren’t the most important people in the world like myself with that wagon on the motorway or Mr Scrooge walking up the field we are well on the way to taking step ten under our wings.
Of course life is complicated and using the analogy of Star Wars with the Dark Side of the Force and the Light Side if only things were so simple, and on top of that as shared by the Coilminer tonight I am sure occasionally our higher power throws a spanner in the works to see how we will react.
Occasionally caught off guard with our minds stressed up we let rip and loose our temper with our fellow humans since we are only striving for perfection, and of course Step 10 acknowledges this by saying we should promptly apologise before the bad deeds build up in our subconscious to take the form of resentments.
Also we could complete every so often an inventory of ourselves and our behaviour and share it with the whole world like this website but the moral I have learned here is to make sure that its our own inventory we are keeping and nobody elses.
Many people are proud to be part of the AA and its twelve steps but still then again quite a few do still like to attend with there heads hidden by towels or sit in meetings out of site of the windows, in my view the latter have still quite a way to go with the program.
Flying Upside-Down My Journey To The Third Step (Day 234 For Share At Dewsbury)
The last year before I became part of the AA was a total nightmare, now from the vantage point I am at now it seems as if I am waking up from a long coma and coming out of a fog which had changed the shape of the world I inhabit.
I had drunk gradually increasing quantities of alcohol since I was about 16, and has time went on I added other chemicals which would complement the alcohol to enable me to just escape from being Miserable Michael.
My early days drinking were spectacular events in my memory and maybe the most vivid is dancing the night away at Rooftop Gardens in the late eighties and early nineties with a whole army of friends who seemed like me.
However as the nineties wore on the classic stages of alcoholism was already beginning to make itself shown in that I gradually began to enjoy getting out of it in my own company usually away from people or at least with just a few people who knew me and I felt comfortable with.
In 1995 my son was born and I had moved into a small back to back rented accommodation near my parents house and I think looking back at my life so far this was perhaps the most contented I had ever felt.
My son was born 3 months premature at just about the time I was finishing a HNC in Computer Programming which I was hoping would add to my CV which included a honours degree in Theoretical Physics and enable me to get a better job than the manual dead end job which I had found myself with at my fathers works.
If I could pinpoint a place where everything went wrong and my life duly spiralled out of control then this would be it because over the next ten years my drinking stepped up a gear and escalated which as a result destroyed the relationship I had and brought me to my knees.
In that time I lost my job at Sellers and thankfully got another job which I completely destroyed any chance of getting promotion from and moved from one “party” house to the next ultimately winding up back at my parents some four years ago in a desperate physical state.
The last year was spent drinking on average of 8 cans of super lager and a considerable amount of smoke plus antidepressant and sleeping medication to combat the effects of the latter and this on a daily basis resulted in quite a few psychological problems both at work and when “looking after” my son at weekends.
In the end the company where I work obviously valuing me as good employee sent me to see a psychiatrist and my sons mother withdrew her contact agreement which resulted in a long expensive court battle which had further adverse repercussions on my alcohol intake.
Time and time again I repeated the familiar pattern to drink myself until I was hearing voices and seeing hallucinations then when it became completely unbearable stop for a few weeks until my body could recover only to drink even more and make up for the lost days which I spent in complete anxiety.
After the judge ordered that my visits from Luke should be reinstated, I made the conscious decision to abstain from drinking completely even planning a weeks holiday at a caravan park in Skipsea with my mum, son, niece and my faithful dog.
Everything was going well right up until the first night there where I was tempted to have just one pint to alleviate the boredom of watching my mother play bingo and then the chain reaction once again took hold, the first pint was followed by numerous others which were interspaced with whisky chasers.
The next day I spent sat on the cliff looking out to sea with my vision of nirvana come reality, no cares in the world, a few bottles of Stella and a quart bottle of whisky as well as a few ready rolled joints.
Needless to say the holiday became everyone’s holiday from hell, without work or any routines I was a sitting duck for the living entity of alcoholism, I can still remember waiting at the little newsagents at 7:30am for everyone to get there morning papers and clear off so I could purchase my quarter bottle of whisky in order to take the awful fear away that had consumed me all night after the last drink was drunk.
Even now my mind plays tricks on me since your brain seems to have an habit of forgetting the really bad parts but just homing in on the good bits and it tends to concentrate on those few hours of ecstasy sat on the cliffs that very first evening.
When I returned from the holiday last year the last person had finally decided that I was powerless over alcohol and that was myself since I had to get a friend to drive my car back from Skipsea as well as rescue the rest of us.
I went to my first AA meeting that Sunday after returning on the Saturday having consumed my last can of super strength only hours earlier but I had reached a total rock bottom and was thoroughly disgusted at myself.
Step One was completed somewhere in the middle of that hellish holiday with all the concerned faces staring at me, my son, my mother, my niece and her friend while I screamed like a baby on the caravan floor that I just wanted to die.
There was little doubt in my mind that for some people there is no second chance, if my first introduction to the AA was to prove a failure then that definitely would be the only outcome.
So there I was sat at Dewsbury shaking and in a desperate state, thankfully someone brought me a cup half filled with water obviously knowing full well that drinking a full cup would be impossible in my current state and I duly rushed to the toilet to throw up the liquid – I was desperately dehydrated as a result of throwing up continuously for the last couple of days.
I have only a few memories of my first meeting and most of those were staring down the toilet bowl in the darkness because I could not fathom out where the light switch was and also trying to work out after the meeting just who had brought me.
My second meeting was on a dinnertime at Huddersfield and afterwards a few of the regulars took me to Sainsbury’s restaurant to have a bite to eat, it was a bank holiday Monday and I was due back at work the following day.
It was quite a while before I started to understand what the steps were but seeing them all eating heartily and taking and laughing without feeling in anyway self conscious made me realise that if these people were once as I was there was hope for me if I stuck with them.
Over the coming months I attended an AA meeting every evening without fail and I think initially my higher power that was restoring me to sanity was the members of the fellowship who were supporting me.
I looked at them all from within my glass cage and where they stood, sober, clean-eyed, useful and confident made me begin to believe that there must be some truth in what they were preaching.
Night after night I heard stories of people coming back from even more desperate states than myself just because they believed in some mystical power and I looked at their radiance and energy with a great deal of envy – I wanted some of what they had.
I certainly related to the many shares that stated that alcohol was definitely a power greater than oneself or we wouldn’t be here in the first place and I wanted to believe in something “out there” could bring me back as well.
But in the back of my mind I somehow thought that I must be different and I always acknowledged myself with the part of “how it works” when it mentions “those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders”, and this was read out at the beginning of all the meetings I attended.
Also I thought that the part saying “half measures availed us nothing” was about half glasses of beer, in a way it was like being a child again having to re-learn everything from scratch, which is I suppose the best way to start in the AA from a rock bottom with the total admission of Step One.
I also had little problem admitting I was insane, certainly a lot of the behaviour I had acted out was certainly not the actions of a rational person and it also helped to think that I was not really responsible for many of the past unpleasant and embarrassing situations.
Next came the step we are told which separates the men from the boys or so we are told, which was made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him.
My initial problem with this was that if God had intended us to live our lives performing his will then why on earth did he give us free will in the first place and secondly I thought it was handing over responsibility to something we don’t even know for sure exists.
I decided at this point that I would attend meetings, visit the clubs, attend the social functions and surely the advantage of having better company would keep me sober and who knows gradually over time this new idea may gradually seep into my subconscious a bit like osmosis.
I read the 12 x 12 that just developing an open mind gives you the key to open the door to this vast world even though it will frequently slam shut and this is what I did, though with hindsight I did not keep things simple as suggested.
My open mind became a searching mind trying to rationalise this God concept into something that could be explained as an offshoot of the many crazy theories of Physics I had been taught in the past.
It took me a while to realise like the big book says you do not have to understand the workings of something to benefit from it, for example how many people switch on there light switch without understanding the dynamics of the electrons up the wires to the bulb and the complex interchange of electromagnetic forces which goes on in there.
At each point in the path that I paused for thought and took a breather thinking I cant go on any further I just took a glance back from where I had come and the shear fear of the pain of the past drove me forward.
I finally began to gain a rudimentary form of faith in this creature from this far blue yonder, whom I have little acquaintance with and probably much fear of at the same time I began to know there was a way out.
I think with step three there is never a point you can say, okay I have done that now whats next? Handing your life over to God is something that you will continue to practise for the rest of your time in this life and probably the rest of eternity in the next.
In fact someone who could honestly say that they now live there lives totally under the complete guidance of God would surely be floating there way around the heavens with big wings attached and a great halo floating above them.
I think Step three is the beginning of a never ending journey, and the more we discover on this path the more bigger our world becomes exactly opposite to what we achieved in the shrinking world of drinking.
In order to let God into our house we need to clean it out of all the past and its with the further steps four to nine we do just that before finally retiring on the final three where we adopt a lifestyle of continuously taking our daily inventory in step 10 and talking to God in step eleven.
Also in the penultimate step we learn to listen to God and receive our orders since we have by now become his servant, looking at some of those who have achieved the AA way of life for many years I can only hope that one day at a time I will eventually live my life like them.
In order for our tree of life to grow strong and large we need to have good strong roots that are placed in firm foundations of the first three steps.
I am eternally grateful to the AA and all the people who have helped me climb out of the deep chasm I was in some 8 months ago and like the saying goes its not how low you go but how hard you bounce back that counts.
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Gratitude
Never have I felt so good as tonight as I finished my share, it had preyed on my mind all day, all the worst scenarios played and replayed in my minds eye, me sat there totally tongued tied as everyone was sat watching.
I needn’t of worried and from now on my belief in God is totally reaffirmed, there was definitely something nebulous sat with me at the top table tonight answering the prayers I had made since I was asked on Monday by JM Coilminer.
I spoke from the heart and completely forgot about the speech I had prepared, like The Coilminer said, it just doesn’t work trying to prepare for shares, they just flow straight out from somewhere close but at the same time somewhere far, after all you are simply an agent spreading the message.
My analysis of my higher power from the angle of physics is what had made things complicated for me, “keep it simple” is one of AA’s most cherished principles and it is something that I certainly have not been doing.
Like I shared and the big book says we don’t need to understand all the fundamental principles of how the world works in order to live in it, maybe in universal terms we are just dumb animals compared to the supreme intelligence out there.
What matters to us as individuals is keeping sober and the more we give away what we know by sharing the more we grow and the more we gain
I have had a couple of days away from the Flintstones my place of work and I have felt much better in myself than I have done in ages, with these big companies its so easy to slip into being a cog in a huge uncaring machine.
My job used to be at least a little bit interesting, now I simply place purchase orders that are either emailed to me or faxed to me in a quirky 25 year old DOS based black screen database which seems to be like the proverbial black hole as far as recovery of information goes.
I remember a year ago if I had a couple of days off it would be a quest to consume as much alcohol as physically possible usually on my own or occasionally with a few down and out friends which were sadly the only people who could put up with me.
Now I am eight months down the line with the AA I know no matter how much my head tells me otherwise that just one drink of alcohol is simply no longer an option.
I was looking at those “Controlled Drinking” websites but the image they convey of just being happy to enjoy a couple of pints of weak beer before deciding that is all for today conjures up the ultimate scenario of alcohol abuse.
There is only two states of existence with me and alcohol that is keeping completely clear of it or drinking until I pass out, you see I could never have a couple, and I even experimented a few years ago with that zero alcohol lager but came to conclusion that just what was the point?
Last night my sponsor phoned me and asked if I fancied visiting a different AA meeting than the ones on my usual rounds and this one was situated in a quaint little place in the town of Otley near Bradford.
Obviously I jumped at the chance, you see when you enter the AA everyone gets to know the personality who enters and even though the AA program is all about change not many people acknowledge the fact that you have changed.
Going to a new meeting where people did not consider me as “spiritually sick” (as was remarked just recently by one member of my fellowship) I could learn to be my new self obviously completely aware of my defects of character but being less inclined to act on them.
I think too many of us in the AA get going to a number of meetings and continue to follow the same routine doing what is common to most of our species that is living in a comfort zone.
At Otley I was quickly introduced by JMSS my sponsor to a few of the members at the door who thought it was my first meeting and rushed off before I could stop them then returned with a starter pack.
After straightening out the misunderstanding and explaining that I was nearly eight months sober I asked JMSS why people thought it was my first meeting, he told me it was my general demeanour of nervousness.
He said I should approach the new venue with a air of authority and a gentle swagger in my walk and of course a confident smile, so with my next introduction I tried this even going as far as offering my clenched fist and saying “word man!”
The lad who was to be tonight’s sharer on Step Four just looked at me gone out, he actually looked a little like Prince William and what’s more he talked in the same Laa-dee-daa Queens English.
His share was the usual, but maybe a little more refined than the meetings I am used to but it mainly concentrated on his careful but very thorough step four, how he did exactly as the big book had told him with all the carefully labelled columns etc.
He had come to the AA and was nearly put off by its mentioning of what he referred to as the Mad Axe man (God) but had persevered despite having drunk throughout his university years and then discovered the AA program and life was all tick-ti-boo now he had seen the light.
It brought my mind back to one of those dreams I have frequently where everyone in the AA is part of a conspiracy against me and they are all secretly drinking and enjoying it but to my face they form these meetings on my behalf so they can have a laugh about me in private.
As Prince William finished his carefully choreographed share as per usual it was an opportunity for others in the meeting to speak there minds and get things off there chest and talking about chests a couple of ladies there looked very attractive.
Charlotte Bronte gave us all an in depth explanation of her journey through steps four and five but felt she had achieved much greater heights with her step six and was like myself and the rest of us still waiting for God to take away our defects of character.
This prompted my sponsor JMSS to be brutally honest and acknowledge the fact that we don’t really change our basic personalities as a result of doing this program but in fact become more aware of our defects which enables us to act different.
JM Mace Windu was also present and initially he choose to ignore my presence he later introduced me to one of the members as “The Best example of AA he knew” and had a different opinion of the program from JMSS.
On our return journey from there JMSS and I decided to stop off at one of the dodgy back street curry houses in Bradford to enjoy some of there cuisine and used the opportunity over the meal to explain about my social inadequacies.
He said that the Internet can easily seduce addictive personalities like us alcoholics and eventually this takes over our ability to socialise, and I can see exactly where he is coming from.
At most meetings now I feel like a fish out of water, I stand there staring into space obsessed by the fact that everyone is talking about me behind my back and it is getting more and more difficult to join in with the debates before after and during the meetings.
I awoke bright and early this morning and took Miss Boley for a reflective walk down to the river Calder where me and my friends used to enjoy many happy hours getting drunk in the long summers of yesteryear.
In fact in my minds eye I could almost see us, now I was sat on my own with my head in cyberspace, neither belonging to the carefree world of the drunken fool or the morally suggestive world of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I really felt vulnerable at that point and reached for my mobile phone to send a desperate text to a friend saying how I would just love a nice ice-cold beer and adding that this bloody disease will never leave me.
She replied by suggesting that next time I take Miss Boley down by the river I take a nice ice cold can of coke anyway that’s where I am at the moment, but I have survived the first couple of days I have dared to have as a voluntary holiday since that week of hell at Skipsea.
The film opens with the two Jedi Anakin and Obi wan seeking out Count Dukoo after this new character called General Grievous has allegedly kidnapped Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.
Of course Palpatine has been fooling the senate on coruscant since the first episode and is really the enemy, when the two Jedi fight there way through all the droids which lie in wait for them they are met once again by Count Dukoo
This time though Anakin has grown in strength since the last time they met at the end of episode 2 where he lost his arm, soon the three of them are in battle in front of Palpatine who is pretending to be a frightened prisoner.
Soon however Obiwan is injured and knocked unconscious like on the last episode however Anakin finds a great deal of strength in the dark side and with the encouragement of Palpatine he manages to chop both Dukoos arms off.
At the end of the battle Dukoo is left pleading before Anakin for his life but with further encouragement from Palpatine Anakin goes against the Jedi code and beheads Dukoo while he is literally unarmed (in more ways than one)
Palpatine tries is best to encourage Anakin to leave the unconscious Obi-wan behind but Anakin carries him while trying his best to save Palpatine at the same time and after a minor trap left by General Grievous they escape back to Coruscant.
After landing the damaged space ship against all odds Anakin is labelled a galactic hero and Palpantine is reinstated on the throne, at this point Senator Amidala is secret wife reveals that she is pregnant to there baby.
Anakin has a dream that his wife dies during childbirth and confides first in Yoda and finally in desperation to Palpatine who he has seen his friendship blossom with and Palpatine makes his first approaches to his knowledge of the Dark Side.
It is clearly hard for Amidala to carry on keeping her life as Anakins husband secret from her friends in the senate but it is even harder for Anakin who is a member of the Jedi Order and has such any possessions are considered forbidden.
He is equally frustrated that despite his extraordinary abilities he has never been given a seat on the Jedi council and it is about at this point that Chancellor Palpatine makes an amendment to the constitution which makes the whole Jedi council accountable to the senate and since he has been given emergency powers to control the senate in the time of war therefore to him.
Obviously this does not go down very well with the Jedi and this relationship gets even worse when Palpatine places Anakin on the Jedi council himself as his personal representative.
Yoda for some reason goes off to Chewbaccas home planet and Obiwan is sent off to finish off the unfinished business with General Grievous who he destroys this time round.
While all this is happening however Anakin finds himself loosing more and more sleep as he is torn three ways between Palpatine, His secret wife Senator Amidala and off course his friends in the Jedi Council.
Eventually Palpatine reveals himself as the very person the war is about, he tells Anakin that he his Darth Sideous a Sith Lord and his master passed to him how he can stop death which is what Anakin needs to save his wife from the incessant visions of her dying in childbirth.
Anakin returns to the Jedi council and tells Mace Windu and three other Jedi Masters the truth about Palpatine and they decide to go and arrest palpatine.
Palpatine has no problems destroying the other three Jedi Masters but has a bit of a problem killing Mace, in fact Mace turns the tables on Palpatine while on a ledge in the Throne Room.
Anakin shows up once again as Palpatine is begging for his life on the precipice but this distracts Mace and he is instantly electrocuted by the blue plasma and falls to his death, the whole charade is carefully recorded to make it look like the Jedi where the people who were the traitors.
Anakin finally kneels before Palpatine and is journey to the dark side becomes complete, from the Darkness he is given the name Darth Vador and with this he goes to the Jedi Council and destroys the rest of the Jedi, even the youngsters in cold blood.
This just leaves Yoda and Obiwan as the only surviving Jedi who return with another member of the Senate to Coruscant and they discover all the death and destruction of there fellow Jedi.
Here it is decided that Yoda will finally face Palpatine, who has now declared himself the Emporer and Obiwan sneaks off in Amidalas ship when she goes to find Anakin.
The battle between Yoda and The Emporer is the ultimate battle between Good and Evil but with them evenly matched and no hope of any of them being victorious Yoda decides he needs to escape and does a runner so he can survive for the future.
While Anakin, now Darth Vador does his best to appear happy to see his wife land on a distant volcanic planet he gets a bit pissed off to say the least when Obi wan appears as well and thinking she has tricked him does the classic Vador death lock on her throat leaving her close to death.
Obiwan and Vador then have one mother of a battle which continues for quite a while with neither of them gaining ground before Vador has his legs and arms chopped off and his left for dead in the cooling volcanic ash as a charred head and torso.
Obiwan then rushes off after C3PO and Artoo have helped Amidala into the ship just as the Emporer arrives to save what bit was left of Vador.
Vador is rebuilt into the form we see him as Episode IV 1977 Star Wars while as predicted in Anakins dreams Amidala dies giving birth to twins Luke and Lea (though how Lea remembers her mother in 1983s Return Of The Jedi is a mystery)
Yoda discovers that everything the Jedi had achieved in his 900 year long lifetime was not for nothing as his new master QuiGon (died in 1999s Phantom Menace) speaks to him from beyond the grave.
It is decided that the two babies should be split up and Lea will be brought up by the Queen of Alderaan while Luke would be sent to his dads step brothers on Tatoine which is also where Obiwan would keep an eye on things from a far.
Yoda also went into exile on the planet of Degobah and the stage is set for the sequels which were released just to confuse us over quarter of a century ago.
Just finished reading the book of the final Star Wars story which ties the prequels to the sequels and its due in the cinema on May 17th, the story is fantastic and as well has bringing balance to the force reading the 425 page book in just less than 9 hours has been a spiritual awkening for me anyway here is how the story goes...
I usually take my parents to visit my brother on a Tuesday but not no more, apparently every Monday he is going to visit us so now I am left with a free night with just my own head for company and like they say an alcoholic and his head makes a crowd.
I decided to take Miss Boley for a long walk down by the river where I could do some serious praying and had I walked through the long grass of the fields in the distance I could hear a group of young Bradley lads playing on there motorcycles in the adjacent field, “Mad Mick!” I heard them shout acknowledging that they had seen me.
Who is this Mad Mick I thought, I suppose it is a name I am likely to take with me to the grave, Mad Mick in the summers of yesteryear would entertain all the up coming Bradley adolescents by jumping off the 30 foot high Railway Bridge which takes the old Lancashire and Yorkshire railway to Brighouse and splash into the River Calder.
Mad Mick would pop up in the most unlikely of places with his beloved can of super strength lager welded to his hand, but for the last 247 days I have been in a state of metamorphosis with the AA to guide me, Mad Mick no longer exists, I gave them a wave and headed off down the black track towards the farm.
Miss Boleys tail wagged incessantly as we walked down towards the river sun was approaching the horizon and the trees over the Zeneca tip seemed a really healthy green, hardly surprising with all the rain we have been having lately.
Why did I waste so much of my life trying to be somewhere else, like I shared last night at my beloved Holmfirth meeting I don’t live in the past, or the future I have simply spent too long in a fantasy world of my own making.
I walked over the white footbridge which leads to echo beach which lies across from the “Old Cornmill” pub and knelt down in the long grass and said my prayers, “Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name…” wouldn’t it be easier just to say “God”.
When I pray now I no longer ask God to find me a beautiful woman to accompany me through life, or a big promotion I simply ask him to help me do his bidding without question, to feel at peace with the world, to accept myself as I am.
I also thought about a friend who died a few years ago aged 31 after drinking non-stop for most of his life, a friend who I sometimes feel watches over me, a friend who although I didn’t know that well because nobody did but someone who really woke me up when they died.
Miss Boley went for a swim in the canal as I continued my one way conversation with everybodies Jedi Master and I could feel that peace once again cascade over me.
I used to regularly in the recent summers of the past walk down here where I knew I couldn’t be disturbed and drink three or four cans, have a few smokes then stagger home feeling invincible, a complete legend in my own little mind.
Now as I walked back I just enjoyed being alive in the here and now, even though I could feel all my muscles aching from spending too many days sat in front of the computer and too many nights sat in AA meetings.
In fact it has been getting so bad lately I feel I have been getting more exercise in my sleep with the vivid, colourful and highly erotic dreams I have been having now that my appetite for life in the real world is returning.
As I reached to summit of the huge hill which runs parallel to the seven foot Zeneca fence a young lad called Liam approached on his friends Quad soon followed by another Bradley Lad called Michael and his girlfriends ten year old sister.
“Are you still not drinking Mick” asked Michael obviously intrigued at my sudden change of character, “How many days is it now”
I answered his question wondering where he had nicked the bike he was riding at the moment from.
The young girl asked inquisitively obviously following on from all the gossip they had probably (remember I like to think I am the centre of attention – its one of my defects of character) been talking about “Did they send you to a place where they make you stop drinking”
They had all seen me countless times wobbling back home from wherever I had been and now here I was a totally changed character although I was wondering who the “they” were that sent me to the AA.
“Oh I didn’t get sent to the AA it was my choice and the only person who could make me stop drinking was myself though it did help having a higher power on my side” they looked at me a little odd but then they always did anyway.
We exchanged gossip about motorbikes and Michael told me of a few red hot ones that were for sale before I continued on my way back to my parents to cut my dads grass yet again.
Whilst I was cutting the lawn in the back garden for the third time in as many weeks my dad who has Parkinsons Disease entertained himself by engaging in deep meaningful conversation with the local Jehovas Witness.
So that’s my 247th day of sobriety over, each day I feel blessed that I have been chosen to escape from that cunning serpent, The Texan Ranger has just phoned me to say also that Darth Vador made a brief appearance at tonights AA meeting but stormed out.
Tonight on the encouragement of a mutual friend I decided to keep an open mind and attend a anti alcohol help group that wasn’t under the umbrella of the AA, a place I first attended some 4 ½ years ago just after I got made redundant.
The group is called “Kirklees Alcohol Advisory Service” or KAAS and is run and funded by our local council and I have come away having really enjoyed the experience.
If the AA could be compared to becoming a monk at a monastery this establishment would equate to popping into a church to attend a wedding, the atmosphere was so light and formal.
In the meeting everyone was sat in something resembling a semicircle with two speakers sat at the front and another official looking guy sat to the side with a notebook and unlike the AA cross talk was allowed.
There was no steps, no big book and no God just a simply structured debate, and to stop the talking getting out of hand one of the speakers who looked like a prison guard would occasionally shout quiet!
To start the meeting everybody round the room was asked their name a bit like at school with the early morning register and people were actually prompted to speak therefore avoiding any of those uncomfortable long silences that regularly occur certainly in West Yorkshires AA meetings.
There was a lot of open laughter and none of the AA clique when the cross talking died down another person was prompted to tell everyone about themselves and even though I was sat at the back very soon I was chosen.
I told them all I had come over four years ago after getting made redundant and slipping into an alcohol induced fantasy world but gradually pulled myself together and got on a Government funded computer course that eventually resulted in getting a job.
Gradually complacency slipped in and though having a job helped me enormously very soon alcohol and cannabis became the norm every evening once again until I lost contact rights to see my son and started seeing a company psychiatrist.
I explained that eight months ago in desperation after suffering the holiday from hell I decided to seek help by phoning the AA and since that time I have attended in excess of 240 AA meetings and not touched a drop of alcohol since.
This resulted in a spontaneous round of applause, something I have never had happen to me in an AA meeting.
There was then a lot of talk by the other members of the group that it was nice to see someone who spoke highly of the AA and then another remarking just how many people had been helped by the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I remarked that the only person I remembered from the time I had attended KAAS all those years ago was a gentleman seated on the row to the left of me and hastily pointed him out.
He replied back that he remembered me as well and added embarrassingly that I attended my first meeting with my mum because I was in a right state after being beaten senseless by a group of thugs and robbed of a lot of my redundancy money – certainly there was no principle of anonymousness here neither!
Throughout the meeting I spoke very highly of the AA after-all it was why I was here still sober and I also mentioned the potency of the AA compared with the light-heartedness that was evident here.
I felt the meeting was very forgiving to those who were still drinking whereas in the AA if you continue to drink you are gradually isolated and if in the AA you have a slip you are discredited of all you have achieved, brought back to the status of a mere newcomer.
I will be definitely going back there next week, since the meetings are only once per week, I enjoy having a open mind to try new environments after-all there is no need to place all ones eggs in one basket.
Sometimes by just attending one establishment we place the blinkers over our eyes telling us there is just one way forward.
I was also quite attracted to this blonde haired lass who seemed to have found a zest for life with drinking cans of Becks or Kaliber.
I have also come away with a ominously entitled book called “Easy Way to Control Alcohol” by Allen Carr which should give me an interesting read.
When you initially join the AA you are encouraged to have an open mind and I think by attending other forms of help on offer you are broadening that open mind but I know that for me certainly there is no “Control” when it comes to alcohol
When We Were Young and Happy before society braiwashed us to believe the majority...
I have had quite a good last few days since I spoke last, over the weekend I became once again the pied piper and took four children for an adventure, my son Luke, Squeaky, Lukes little sister and his best friend LiLi.
We decided to go floating on the canal in a dinghy which I tied a length of clothes line to for a change from the motorbike partly due to the fact that Christine wouldn’t start, I also acquired another motorcycle with gears, a TY80 for those who know about such things for £100 from one of the Bradley locals and have today orders the parts from our motorcycle dealer that should make it a runner after a hasty strip down yesterday.
When I think back to what I was doing 1 year ago and compare it to today I just cannot believe the difference in me and this is all thanks to a lot of AA re-programming.
Tonight I have just returned from my second meeting at KAAS, an organisation funded by our local council that like the AA also encourages abstinence from alcohol but at a level far more down to earth than the former.
The meetings resemble the chat show Trisha and it can be very entertaining to say the least, the reason I spend one of my evenings attending a non AA meeting is that I don’t like all my eggs being in just one basket and I also believe that this gives me a more broad and balanced outlook on this stopping drinking philosophy.
I also think I have developed a difference of opinion to that which is fundamental to the AA, and that is I no longer believe that alcoholics are genetically different from “normal drinkers” but instead believe that the only difference is a question of degree to which someone falls down the alcoholic pit.
Who are these normal drinkers, maybe these are people who say “its okay in moderation”, I believe this is like saying its okay to get a tiny bit pregnant, or its okay just to go over Niagara Falls but only by three feet.
Maybe the vast majority of people who drink alcohol and that makes up 90% of the population are brainwashed by society in general to consider swallowing a poisonous substance is okay provided we don’t take too much of it!
Because 80% of these people never reach rock bottom and remain happy “normal drinkers” throughout there lives, and because of the 20% who do reach rock bottom can be so gradual, the alcoholic trap is not an obvious one.
Alcoholics truly believe that “normal” drinkers are different to them because they can control their intake however I believe that the real difference is that normal drinkers are at a stage where they can cope with their intake.
All Alcoholics were once at that stage!
A normal drinker will frequently say “Its not doing me any harm and if I need to quit I will”, this is another aspect of the fateful trap it makes us put off the evil day or how about “I don’t normally drink before 7pm”.
I mean we don’t do things just because they do us no harm, if I spent the rest of my life blowing bubbles but I offered that as a reason for doing it you would probably regard me as a prime candidate for the funny farm.
In fact the more I think about it and look around people at work when they talk about alcohol the more I am convinced that we are all brainwashed by the majority, by society and maybe at the back of it by our wonderful government who enjoy reaping in all the billions of pounds of tax this global brainwashing creates.
“No thanks, I’m driving tonight”
Have you ever noticed that they can never say it without sounding like they really mean, “Aren’t I a goody-goody?” again you envy them and as an alcoholic you ask them if it bothers them not drinking.
