I nervously approached this huge building with two tiny copper figurines on its roof after following the signs through Liverpool for “Albert Docks”.
I managed to find a space on a lay-by across the road from the building in front of a skip on double yellow lines and noticed that the clock on the tower above said 5 minutes until 12.
“Where Are You” I texted the Stone Princess
“Im Here” came the reply so I phoned her and told her to walk round the building explaining that I was sat in my car at the other side of the road from what looked like the front of the building she said she had brought her friends little son with her.
Then I saw her walking round the adjacent building and phoned her to say I was coming round
“Do I need a coat … eh” I shouted across the road at this lovely blonde haired lady with a small child, I then parked up the car and went over to join her.
She did look different from what I expected from nights spent on webcam but her face still looked beautiful in the sunlight.
“W-w-where we g-g-going, you p-p-planned it you know Liverpool…
I g-g-got stuck in all the traffic on the M62 you know n-n-near Manchester choc a block with traffic”
I explained to her feeling a bit nervous after all I had been waiting for this moment for the past three months.
She looked past me for a while then said to Reid Amme’s son, “Come On”
We headed off silently towards the side of the Mersey where lots of building work was going on
“Oh look a boat wow” she says to Reid
“I set off at t-t-ten o’clock” I said desperately trying to start up some sort of dialogue
“Ten O’clock” she repeated more to herself than me
“How l-l-long did it take you to get here” I stuttered
“Five minutes” she answered absentmindedly
We reached the steel fence overlooking the Mersey facing in the distance the other bank where was situated Birkenhead that was where the Stone Princess lived.
“Is it just over there” I asked her pointing vaguely toward the other side
“Yes” she snapped
“Can take these off now cant I” I said removing my sunglasses. “Still chewing that chewing gum” I added (I was chewing nicorette chewing gum because I had just given up smoking)
“Still got them?” she asked throwing her long blonde hair about
“How long you given up now then?” she added pouting her lips as she spoke
“J-j-j-just o-o-over a m-m-m-month” I answered my frayed nervousness having returned and trying at the same time to control my blood pressure
“Well done!” she added
“H-h-have you been to Liverpool before a l-l-lot” I asked knowing it was a really stupid question but I couldn’t think of anything to say and we were entering a long silent period
“Yes” she whispered
“So you know your way round it” I added
“No” she laughed
“So are you gonna jump in the Mersey then?” I enquired acknowledging our long standing joke that she would run off screaming and throw herself in the Mersey the moment she saw me
“What with him - no!” she answered making me think if Reid hadn’t of been here then maybe she might have.
“No you can’t can you really” I mumbled
At this point I noticed we seemed to be heading towards a shopping centre
“Shops you don’t like shopping?”
“Was your camping alright?” She asked
“Yes it was brilliant, I was just trying to finish DVD but it didn’t do it right last night” I replied not sure why I was telling her this
“Why?”
“Cos my Nero is always crashing” I answered
“You might need a new one” She replied
“Eh” I asked due to the noice of someone using a pneumatic drill nearby
“You might need a new one
“I have got Nero 7 the newest one” I answer
[A long silence follows]
“Is she poorly then” I try once again desperately to break the silence with a question about Amme, Reids mummy
“She’s just feeling a bit unwell” answers the Stone Princess
“Oh I thought you was going to say hung-over” I have a one track mind with being an alcoholic and if anyone is unwell I automatically assume its alcohol related.
“No She keeps snapping” The Stone Queen answers as we look over the railings and watch the water and the turds lap up on the filthy beach below
“Does she” I mumble again
“So can you come across in a Ferry then?” Another really stupid question I realise once I have asked it
“You can but it goes up and down everywhere” The Stone Princess answers once again tossing her long blonde hair back and smiling at me
“S-s-so d-d-did you g-g-go under a t-t-tunnel under there” I manage to spurt out, bloody obvious really
“Huh huh” which I take as a yes
“Where’s his brother – hasn’t she got another one” Another really stupid question as I scrape the bottom of the barrel to initiate conversations
“No”
“Shall we get ferry then” {desperation begins to set in!}
“Nah”
“Is that Birkenhead over there” {Well obviously der!}
“Yes”
“Is that Mersey then” {No it’s the Amazon!}
“Yes”
We walk way from the railings and I see a Ice Cream van
“Ice cream!”
The Stone Princess buys Reid an Ice Cream and asks me if I want one, I reply that I don’t like sugary stuff and I don’t eat before 3pm.
“You can get to Ireland over there” She says pointing out to sea
“Why you been to Ireland” I ask
“No … Have you”
“I have been to all rest of them, I haven’t been out of Britain though” I reply
“Claire” I take a photo of her lovely face to drool over later
“Hey you!” she says doing her best pose
“How do you drive over there – is there a tunnel” {Of course there is a bloody tunnel and you have just asked that one}
“Yer, I came on the train”
“Whats he called Kyle” I say looking at Reid {even though I know he is not}
“No Reid” another silence abated
“As in read a book”
“Yes”
“Do you want both your photos taking?” I have brought a camera
“Had to buy a new one cos I knackered my other one up camping” I explain
“Why”
“I don’t know, when I tried to download the photos on to the computer which I took while camping a red light came on there but there isn’t one on this one because this is a different camera”
“Has soon as I saw that building I remembered that program Liverbirds, don’t you remember it?” I say opening another topic of conversation
“I don’t watch telly remember”
“You watch Spongebob with reid”
“Go to the museum if you want” she says probably just wanting something to do to get away from all these stupid questions I keep asking
“Yer” I agree not really wanting to
“Hey look a Shark Reid another shark … Crocodile” I say trying to be silly like you do to kids
“I didn’t know there would be so much traffic around Manchester” I start on about my journey here again
“Loads I know” she agrees
“Set off over the Pennines dead easy as soon as I got to Junction 18 well theres loads of junctions, theres M61, M6, M57 you just gotta
make sure you are in the right lane all the time” making out I’m really clever for driving the 58 miles from Huddersfield
“That’s minging” says Reid
“Its what is it minging” she asks Reid
“What?” I ask wondering if they knew another language
“Minging” repeats The Stone Princess
“Whats That?” I say unsure what it means
“Or dirty minging mingging” she interprets emphasizing the g second time
“Down at Calder water is so clean you can wash your dishes in it, I wouldn’t drink it”
“Really?” She says lifting her eyebrows
“If you spit in it and your spit disperses its clean” I explain
“Really? – Go on then”
“I don’t think you’d be able to see would you” I explain because we are about 30ft up from the water
“There it is whats that” I ask her pointing to a big boat
“A boat”
“Do you wanna go to the museum”
“Whatever?” she says clearly exasperated
We set off and walked through the city, it was absolutely bustling, initially I tried to walk at the side of her but kept banging into people and having to repeatedly say “excuse me”.
I then tried walking in front of her but I kept getting too far ahead and anyway I wasn’t right sure where I was going, so I tried a third tactic by walking behind her but I felt inferior here and when she tried to talk to me she had to look back.
So I went back to my first idea of walking at the side of her but she then started walking diagonally and forced me into the road.
I told her that Liverpool was the fourth biggest city in the UK after London, Birmingham and Glasgow and saw this guy raise his newspaper at a taxi and it cut across the road in front of an ambulance with flashing lights before pulling up at the kerb. It was the sort of thing I only saw on movies in New York.
We walked for ages, at one point I introduced myself to two strangers stood at a street corner as “Crocodile Dundee from Walkabout Creek in the Northern Territory”, it was worth it just to see their gone out faces.
But I did feel a bit lost and homesick by now, anyway we finally found the museum but I pointed out to The Stone Princess that I had only put a ticket for 2 hours on the car which was the maximum it allowed me to do.
She said we wouldn’t have time to look round the museum then so we might as well walk back.
On the way back we popped into a Beatles Memorabilia shop and the guy behind the counter looked like John Lennon in his hey day, the shop was brimming with posters, records, charts, clothing and videos; everything imaginable that any beetles enthusiast would love to own.
I asked at the counter if they had anything by the Beatles but was met with hostile comments which The Stone Princess interpreted as sarcastic.
We eventually found our way back to the car and I placed another ticket on and then ran to catch up with The Stone Princess where we found a cosy bench by the estuary and watched these crane drivers try to remove some reinforced concrete from the Mersey, which used to be the old ferry terminal.
We discussed her Red Indian Spirit Guide who never talks and has no name but she can feel his presence everywhere, we talked about her desire to own a white Mini Cooper and if the two statues on top of the liver birds building had ever been painted.
Eventually it was time to leave and we walked towards my car I asked her if she wanted a lift back to Birkenhead but she declined saying I didn’t have a booster seat for Reid.
At this point I wasn’t sure if I should kiss her or not but when she told me to “Go on buzz off then” I assumed wrongly that this was a no so I got back in my car and headed off back to Huddersfield.
When I got home I texted her the following;
“Just got home and people are already asking me if u liked me well did u”
This prompted the following reply;
“Talk about straight out with it. U was nice yes. I thought u abit quiet maybe u still nervous”
But since then we don’t seem to have got on so well, I have asked her that now Tarzan has been to Jane maybe this time Jane should come to Tarzan but well she says she is busy hairdressing till June and can only come on a Saturday night.
Last week she had her friend Gina over and I don’t know what her plans are for this week.
I think in retrospect I tried too hard to be “normal” and came across lacking any sort of character whatsoever, if she does come to Huddersfield my friend Master Shrek says we are more than welcome to stay the night at the Salt Pot Mansion.
Last night on MSN though she told me off for
writing in my blog that she was making excuses not to see me and since then I have been sulking and she hasn’t contacted me so I don’t know what’s happening.
It would be nice to have a happy ending to this story wouldn’t it?
For nearly a year now I have managed to avoid sharing by arriving late or keeping out of the chairers way but last night I slipped up and the Messiah asked me “Michael What would you think about sharing tonight?”
Once the question as been asked it is courteous in AA never to refuse no matter how you feel inside and anyway it was about my turn.
So there I was sat in front of the room full of many old friends who had shared my journey but also many new people who had never heard me hardly speak and I was expected to keep them entertained for 20 minutes with my own experience of drinking.
Right until it was my prompt to start I had nothing to say but magically once I had finished the words “My names Michael & I’m an alcoholic” the words popped in my head like an imaginary autocue was running through my brain.
I always consider my entry into the drink cycle started sometime in the period 1987-1990 when I was a student at the eyebrow York University.
I found it really difficult to socialise with my fellow students which was really what University was all about and by the time the second year had started I had given up my halls of residence and started commuting backwards and forwards from Huddersfield to York daily, I had also given up talking entirely to my fellow colleagues.
When they weekend came however and I was out with my small handful of Huddersfield friends at the legendary Rooftop Gardens in Wakefield I could drink a magic potion called alcohol and become the life and soul of the party.
A local celebrity I would dance on the dance floor in the Carbon Dioxide smoke to Madonna’s tunes and be surrounded with a sea of faces shouting my name, then later we would walk down into Casanovas bar to get up to all sorts of mischief with the opposite sex before somehow finding our way back home.
Weekdays it was back to my sad cold world doing a Physics degree and being told that the world was made up of a load of balls (now its strings) and occasionally as part of my assessment I had to do a seminar.
A seminar was a terrifying prospect, I had to stand in front of this auditorium and deliver a talk on a subject chosen by one of the Professors to a load of fellow colleagues that I couldn’t even find the courage to engage in normal conversation.
Here it was I discovered the magic potion could do wonders, I would sit in the library with a quart bottle of whisky and deliver what I thought was a stunning performance, well in retrospect I would love to have been in the audience it must have been absolutely hysterical.
The discovery that alcohol could turn me from this paranoid, self conscious and painfully shy person into some force of nature was a fantastic thing and from then on in any difficult situation I could reach for this magic.
So fast forward a few years and the drink had began to take from me more and more but during that time I had met the Ice Queen and together we had a child called Luke, I had also acquired a niece called Red Riding Hood.
The Ice Queen and my place of employment had long since decided they had had enough of my drunken and now stoned antics because during that time I had also discovered cannabis.
I was often left with these two children to look after at weekend and we would go on all sorts of wild “adventures” in the local woods which usually culminated in me falling asleep somewhere and occasionally Red Riding Hood having to walk back through the dark woods in search of her Grandma while Luke and the poor suffering dog stayed by my side.
Of course I became steadily worse and “little incidents” started to occur such has Luke once burning his hand on a campfire I had built and falling from the odd tree he was climbing.
The Ice Queen being Luke’s mother became more and more concerned about my ability to supervise our son while I was inebriated and stoned and eventually decided to get a solicitor and stop access altogether.
I was also having problems at my new job at a brick making company because I could no longer stay sober for the entire working day but had to find frequent excuses to top up my alcohol levels just to stop myself shaking and this had resulted in me requiring regular visits to see a company psychiatrist.
This all came to a head with a big court battle in June 2004 which I had managed to convince somehow the judge and the social workers I could remain sober for 5 hours while Luke visited every fortnight.
I won the court battle and vowed to stay sober forever, now I had done that so many times before and even sometimes lasted a week or two before just having one and ending up drinking even more to make up for my abstinence.
On this occasion I managed just over a month before I went on Holiday with my mum, Luke, Red Riding Hood and her friend Hermanie since the judge had kindly given me a weeks Holiday per year with my son as well as weekly visits from Friday 6pm till Sunday 6pm on the condition that I remain sober and don’t drink and drive.
This Holiday at Skipsea sands campsite was the final stand, the place where I fully realised the first step of AA and surrendered to my battle with alcohol with a white flag.
I had one drink with my mum while she was playing Bingo in the club and this was followed by another and another, by the following day I was sat on the cliff edge with the dog enjoying a cannabis joint and a bottle of whisky feeling the ecstasy of having no work to go to and nothing to worry about for a whole week.
I came round a few hours later having passed out, lost the dog and pissed myself with a few concerned faces staring down at me, I managed to get myself up and stagger back to the caravan via the shop for another quart bottle of whisky and this was my last coherent memory.
Much of what happened after that I rely on the memories of Luke and Red Riding Hood though I am sure that every time they refresh my memory the story undergoes another metamorphosis.
The latest edition is that I turned up in the amusements completely naked, had a shit at the side of the road, got my head stuck in a bucket, jumped into the swimming pool fully clothed while chasing after one of their new found friends and the list just keeps growing.
When the week did come to an end I could in no way drive back to Huddersfield and had to get my friend The Gangster and his mate to come and fetch us and the car.
It was after the first night back in Huddersfield that I called the AA and Yoda and his friend came to my salvation.
I can barely remember my first meeting, but fellow members have since said that I was one of the worse cases they had seen and for months after my eyes looked completely dead.
But I kept coming along to meetings every day for nearly six months, well at least in body and found a little corner to crawl into where I sat and felt sorry for myself.
Over the years things have gradually got better, I always use the metaphor its like climbing a mountain, you look at the peak and keep putting one foot in front of the other and appear to be getting nowhere fast.
But when you look back and see how far you have come you just cannot believe it.
I concluded my share by thanking my friends for walking with me this far so that I too may escort someone else up the mountain of sobriety.
It is a great feeling to finish your share and then the “This Is Your Life” part start’s where everyone shares back to you and tells you how wonderful you are.
I feel spiritually renewed today as a result here at The Lost World and feel really good and alive, I just needed to blog all this to complete the task.
Thank you Messiah for asking me.
Hi my name is The Honeymonster and today I am going to tell you all about how we make bricks here at Swillington.
It has been said that the study of bricks is the study of civilization itself. Bricks made of mud and straw have been used for thousands of years. Some bricks over 10,000 years old have been found. One of the first building materials created by man, bricks is still a much preferred choice to this day. Some of the newest homes and modern buildings use bricks in their construction. The brick has maintained its reputation as a superior building product longer than perhaps any other product in the modern world.
There are five basic steps to making bricks.
1. WINNING.The first step is called winning,or mining the clay.
The original colour of clay does little to indicate the colour of the finished brick. The colour of a finished brick is generally determined by how much iron is in the clay. Clay with high iron content will produce a deep red brick after firing.
Clay with less iron produces a buff or light brown coloured brick.
Our brick makers have to rely on their own experience when choosing clay. They chose it primarily by its colour and texture. They dont have the use of sophisticated laboratories to analyze the clay like some places. Before the steam shovel was invented, our brick makers had to dig for the clay with hand shovels. They obviously wanted to find their clay just under the topsoil in order to minimize much of the hard work.
The digging was usually done in the autumn. That way, the clay could be left exposed to the freeze-thaw cycles of the coming winter. The freezing and thawing over and over would help break the clay down. That made the clay softer and easier to work by hand in the spring.
The winter exposure not only made the clay soft but also removed unwanted oxides. Oxides are minerals that have combined with oxygen and are considered undesirable impurities in brick making.
Now at Swillington we dig for clay using very modern diggers and very experienced drivers we also have experienced people like myself who build stockpiles of exotic chemicals like blue black spray to add to the clay to achieve other colours;
2. PREPARATION. The second step is preparation of the clay
By spring the clay is suitable to be worked by hand. It is sometimes ground into a powder and sifted through a screen to remove stones. Before we had Badger the clay was placed into a soaking pit where it was mixed with water to obtain the proper consistency for moulding.
Next, the clay was kneaded with the hands and feet to mix all the elements together. This step was called tempering or pugging and was the hardest work of all. By 2007 badger driven pug mills (above) were invented here at Swillington to make this task easier.
The clay was then removed from the soaking pit or pug mill by our temperer, Terry Capper who carried it to the moulding table to begin the next step in the process.
3. MOLDING. The third step is molding.
Our assistant brick moulder was called Billy Bulsh*t. This job is to prepare a lump of clay (a clot) and give it to the brick moulder.
The brick moulder, Darren Bell is the key to the operation and the head of the team. He stands (sometimes sits) and works at the moulding table for twelve to fourteen hours a day. With the help of the assistants Billy Bulsh*t and Sean Ruecroft, Darren the brick moulder can make 80,000 to 90,000 bricks in a day. He takes a clot of clay, rolls it in sand and "dash" it (toss it forcefully) into a mould. A mould is a wooden frame that is the shape of a brick. The clay was then pressed into the mould with his hands. The excess clay is scraped from the top of the mould with a flat stick called a strike that had been soaking in water. This excess clay is then returned to the clot moulder to be reformed into later bricks.
Single, double, four, or six cavity brick moulds are used. A cavity is the hollow area inside the mould where the wet clay is placed to form the shape of the brick. A single cavity brick mould makes one brick at a time; a double cavity mould makes two bricks at a time, and so on. Making one brick at a time has an advantage since even Mick Brayford can carry a single brick to the drying area. Beech wood is the preferred material for constructing the mould because it is believed that the clay does not stick to it. The top of the mould is laminated (covered by a thin layer) with iron to prevent wear. The mould is also coated each time with sand so the bricks will slide out easily. These types of bricks are referred to as "sand struck bricks."
The next person on the team was called an off-bearer. The off-bearer – David Zinnis walks up to the moulding table, removes the filled mould and takes it to a drying area on either a pallet or wheelbarrow. There it is placed on a level bed of sand. David removes the brick from the mould, stacks the brick to dry, then returns the empty mould to the brick moulding table. At the moulding table he wets the mould and coats it again with sand. It is now ready for the brick moulder, Darren Bell, to form the next brick.
4. DRYING. The fourth step is drying.
The moulded bricks are now carted in a wheelbarrow to the drying area by David Zinnis in between his electrician activities. They are then stacked and left to dry for about two days. After about two days they are turned over. This is done to facilitate uniform drying and prevent warping. During this time tools called dressers or clappers are used to straighten the bricks and obtain a smooth surface.
After about four days in dry, hot weather (this can take longer in winter or when there is a lot of rain but future global warming should make this process more reliable) the bricks are sufficiently hard to allow them to be stacked on end. A finger's width space is left between each one to allow air to flow between them. This helps them dry faster. The stacking area is called the car park since it also is used to park the workers vehicles. The bricks are sometimes covered by a roof or with straw to protect them from the rain or harsh sun. After about two weeks the bricks were ready to be fired.
5. FIRING. The fifth step is firing, or burning.
Simply heating bricks by placing them in an open fire is not sufficient for firing bricks. They would not get hot enough. In order to obtain the required temperature they have to be baked in a kiln. Since our bricks are made on the same site as where the clay is mined, a kiln has to be constructed each time. If fired bricks are left over from a previous batch, they were used to construct the outer walls of the kiln. The surface is daubed (sealed by smearing over the cracks) with mud to hold in the heat.
If no previously fired bricks were available, the kiln is constructed entirely of green bricks. Green bricks are raw, unbaked bricks. The bricks are stacked in such a way that they act as their own kiln. Wood and coal are used for fuel.
Even after drying for more than two weeks in the air, the green bricks still contained 9-15% water. For this reason the fires are kept low for the first 24-48 hours while the bricks continue to dry. During this time steam rises from the top of the kiln in huge white clouds. We call this steam "water smoke".
When the steam gases finally clear it is the sign to increase the intensity of the fire. If this is done too early, steam forms inside the bricks and causes them to explode. Intense fires are maintained in the fire holes around the clock for about a week. It takes that long to reach the required temperature of around 1,850 degrees F.
Reaching the correct temperature is very important. When a brick reaches the correct temperature it begins to 'vitrify.' Vitrification happens when sand and other materials in clay melt and fuse together. This changes the clay into a glass-like material.
Properly fired bricks are very strong in compression strength. Compression is the squeezing force on a material. In the case of bricks, most of the compression force comes from their own weight on top of each other. Bricks that do not get hot enough during firing are weak in compression strength and will crumble under load. Bricks that become too hot will turn too glass-like and become too brittle. The trick for the brick maker was to get them just right. The correct temperature was just at the point when vitrification started and this is why we require the supervision of Mick Brayford who is our manager.
Mick Brayford has to rely on years of knowledge and experience to guess when the bricks were done. When he says the time is right the fire holes of the kiln are bricked over, the fire was put out, and the firing process ended. It then takes more than a week for the kiln to cool down enough to remove the bricks.
Swillington Brick Plant
When cool, the kiln is disassembled and the sorting process begun. If green bricks had been used to make the kiln, those bricks from the outermost walls are saved to be fired again in the next kiln.
Some bricks which are closest to the fire received a natural wood ash glaze from the sand that fell into the fires, became vaporized, and deposited on the bricks. These bricks were used in the interior (inside) courses of the walls because of their attractive, slick and shiny appearance. A course is one row of laid bricks.
Bricks that were severely over-burned, cracked, or warped were called 'clinkers' and are used for garden walls or garden paths. They are called clinkers because of the clinking sound they made when they were struck together. They were too glassy and much too brittle to be used in buildings.
Those that were only slightly under-fired had a salmon color and brick layers knew that the porosity (tiny air holes) in these bricks would help to insulate a structure. These bricks were placed on the innermost courses of a wall. This is an example of a salmon coloured brick.
Finally, the best bricks were chosen for the exterior (outside) walls of buildings because they were the strongest and most durable the greater number we make of these the happier our supreme manager Mr Lardner is who overlooks the whole operation. The various bricks are then stacked in our huge brick yard by Andy and Gary Smith in between their many other scams
Our Final Visit To Robin Hoods Grave After Dark!!!
Well tonight we finally made it, we touched Robin Hoods Grave after the turn of darkness, then all hell broke loose.
Red Riding Hood lead the way back and started exclaiming “Oh but I’m really scared, I thought I saw something I am gonna get out of here”.
Afterwards she said she thought she saw an orb but Luke said he thought it was an harpies, a person who has turned into a tree and cant move, I must admit I didn’t see anything at that point.
Suddenly as we tried to find our way back through the mass of rhododendron bushes we all definitely heard a scream, a piecing shrill scream.
Red Riding Hood, Luke and Stig all stampeded through the bushes and Red Riding Hood fell over in the commotion, Luke shouted, “Turn your torches off”.
I had Miss Boley on a lead and normally she would have been aggressive to who was pursuing us but strangely she seemed calm and not affected by the commotion.
By the time Red Riding Hood was picking herself up from the floor Luke and Stig were disappearing over the crest of the hill and down the steep embankment, I looked to my right and saw on the floor through the trees what looked like a load of illuminated Christmas lights.
Then I heard what sounded like human voices, adolescence shouting “Whoooa we sh*t em”, I am sure someone was up there but why.
Then I heard maybe different voice shouting, “awww come back”, by now Luke, Stig and Red Riding Hood were halfway down the hill and I was near the top.
I just launched myself off down the hill stumbling over branches, sliding, tripping but no way could I catch up with them well till I got to the bottom.
We all walked back slightly uneasy at our adventure up there, Red Riding Hood and Stig had a few minor cuts from the branches and thorns but when we looked back it all seemed quiet up there.
Who was it?
Why would someone wait up there when no one knew we were going?
When we finally got back to my mums we found out that we were all invisible, we walked noisily into the room and my dad, Wonderwood was sat in the chair.
Despite Red Riding Hood announcing where we had been he seemed to show no attention to our presence at all but simply looked at his watch and said to my mum Battyeford Lill that it was time we were due back.
At least that’s what we thought might have occurred, maybe all the screaming was us before we disappeared to another parallel universe.
Stig excitedly phoned his mum, The Ice Queen up and told her where he had been but was a little disheartened when she shouted at him for doing “dumb sh*t things like that”
The Three Peaks Walk - 6th May 2007 - "Disposing Of The Ring"
After pondering several options, the Jedi Council decided that the only course of action that could save the Yorkshire Dales was to destroy the Ring by taking it to Inglebrough and casting it into Braithwaite Wife Hole, where it was forged many centuries ago. 12 year old Luke Baggins, the son of Jedi Master Mad Mick volunteered for the task, and a "Fellowship of the Ring" was formed to aid him — this consisted of Luke Baggins, his Hobbit companion, Red Riding Hood, Gandalf (The Horse whisperer), Aragorn, Gimli the Dwarf (RIP), Heleni Gimli’s beautiful daughter and Mad Mick the great Jedi Master.
The company set off on the long 24 mile trek from Horton-In-Ribblesdale in the Shire, After Gimli (RIP) posted the form to say we were on our way to once again destroy the ring at the café. We turned right along the road towards Settle to the church and when we reached the church we turned left along the lane and then left again towards Brackenbottom.
Just before we reached the hamlet, there is a stile on the left which obviously heads for the imposing Pen-y-Ghent, the first of the three huge mountains on our long journey to Braithwaite Wife Hole. We crossed this stile and followed the path upwards alongside the field boundary. This path is well worn and easy to follow. In fact it is that well worn that at one point when you come to a marshy length, a boardwalk has had to be laid to reduce the effects of erosion by walkers. Shortly after this on the steeper part of the climb are two sets of wooden steps over some more boggy ground.
It was here we all noticed that we were being followed; however the figure following us was elusive soon however Luke Baggins recognized it as that of the wretched creature Gollum, whom Luke had met in the Goblin-tunnels of the Misty Mountains years before (as detailed in a far off time in the past). Gollum was once "of hobbit-kind" but the Ring had corrupted him while he had possessed it, and Gollum desperately sought to regain his "Precious".
The Gollum was also accompanied with his son who was struggling to walk, but despite his repeated protests that his legs were in pain The Gollum continued to encourage him on. In fact it was afterwards that some of the members of the fellowship had threatened to inform Esther Rantzens Child line about the Gollums behaviour to his son
Just after the last set of stairs we came out onto a ridge at the foot of a rocky escarpment. A footpath came up from the right and climbs straight up this escarpment this footpath is part of the Pennine Way. We turned left and followed this path up the steep scramble through the rocks to the summit cairn. Although Penyghent looks the most impressive of the three peaks at 2277ft it is in fact the lowest of them. On a fine day you will find the scramble relatively easy but be warned, in bad weather, especially winter, this short section can be extremely dangerous.
Today dangerous it was, the wind howled and Gandalf had to use a portion of his powers to stop young Luke Baggins being blown ito the abyss, the rocks were slippery due to the recent rain and the clouds had descended shrouding the first peak in a thick haze.
It was Aragorn who had detected the precence of the hooded Grim Reaper, an agent of evil with fearsome determination to get the magical ring from the possesion of Luke and so with bold spirit he set back down the mountain to greet the approaching foe.
Has the rest of the party reached the peak, distant howls were heard from the shelter at the top which gave a brief rest for the tired fellowship.
Just as the party was about to give up on ever seeing Aragorn again he appeared out of the mist with an urgent suggestion that the group continue adding that the Grim Reaper has been slowed but he will soon regain his strength if we wait here.
The ring was created many centuries ago by a powerful dark lord called Sauron and to the wearer it gave many powers that at first sight were perhaps advantageous such has invisibility, psychic abilities but these usually had a darker twist to them and the ring and the weight of resposibility for its carrier Luke was ebbing away his power.
Aragorn could fight, Gandalf could use his magic but it fell to the two ladies on the expedition, Heleni and Red Riding Hood, his cousin to keep Luke’s spirits high as well as the energy tablets that Jedi Master Mad Mick had bought from ASDA the night before which contained Caffeine and Dextrose
From the summit cross the stile and following the distinct footpath along a line of cairns on the western edge of the summit plateau the Fellowship walked on and after about half a mile they came to an old miner’s track that dropped steeply away to the left. They followed this path down. Shortly coming once again to the Pennine Way which goes off to the left back to Horton, however their route goes straight on. At the foot of the descent they crossed a green road and through an old wall stile. On their right they could see the collapsed cavern of Hull Pot. On they continued, along a well-defined path across Black Dub Moss and Red Moss Bogs.
It was here that The Grim Reaper and the Grim Hunter lay waiting for Luke since the crossing of the bog was a vulnerable point
They were almost through the bogs when the party was attacked by Orcs. Gandalf battled a Balrog, an ancient demon creature, and fell into a deep chasm, apparently to his death.
Meanwhile Mad Mick the Jedi Master with his glowing lightsabre and Aragorn with his sword tried to fight off The Grim Reaper and The Grim Hunter which resulted in the Reaper and The Hunter nearly drowding in the swamp.
As the rest of the group aimed there cameras at the spectacle before them the cry from the defeated Grim Reaper took them most by surprise, he said simply “No bog shots this year please”
apparently according to Gimli, the previous year he had nearly drowned here as well trying to get rid of the last f*cking ring (italics his emphasis)
After about a quarter of a mile they once more picked up the lane and followed it to God's Bridge. From God's Bridge a well defined path heads towards Nether Lodge along this journey they entertained themselves with naming pop songs beginning with the letters of the alphabet. For example Luke Baggins would start with “A” for “Angels” by Robbie Williams then Red Riding Hood would say “A” for “Ant Music” by Adam And The Ants and this would continue until someone dropped out when they could think of no more songs and the last one in would be the winner, they then moved on to the letter “B", needless to say Jedi Master Mad Mick won every game. Soon the buildings came into view about half a mile away. After crossing a stile at Nether Lodge they joined a well made farm track, it was here said Gimli where the late Gandalf had last year gone hunting for a box with his GPS satilite system and resulted in them both going half mile off course now sadly Gandalf was gone killed by the Balrog so they could escape safely, this brought a tear to Gimlis eye. The path continued all the way past Lodge Hall until it joined the Horton to Ribblehead road (B6479).They turned right and followed this road through Gauber to Ribblehead. It is well advised to be careful this road is narrow and carries a lot of traffic, especially on summer weekends. At Ribblehead they met up with The German and Billy Bull with their support vehicle and all settled down to eat while watching a sheep giving birth to a calf in a nearby field.
The party now consisted of Red Riding Hood, Luke Baggins, Aragorn, Jedi Master Mick, Gimli while Helini had to give up the journey and accompany the German in the Football Bus.
They collectively mourned the loss of their good friend Gandalf but were astounded when he came to join them, apparently Gandalf had returned as "Gandalf the White." He had defeated the Balrog at the cost of his life, but had been sent back to the Shire, with enhanced powers, to aid the forces of good.
In the misty shadows they could still feel the Gollum in pursuit who along with his son were growing tired but they felt certain The Grim Hunter had drowned in the swamps but his mate The Grim Reaper was still somewhere out there since they could hear is howling as they tucked into their Dairy Lea Cheese Triangles and Bread plus Roast Beef flavored Monster Munch.
From Ribblehead the party followed the path that goes by the side of the pub and follows the line of the railway Gandalf reckoned that Billy Bull and The German were lying when they told him that they had already climbed one of the peaks. They all walked on this path for almost two miles until they came to the aqueduct just before Dent Head tunnel. Crossing the line here and then following the path up Force Gill alongside the stream and it was here Luke and Red Riding Hood had some visions of the past, present, and future. Luke also perceived the Eye of Sauron on the hills of Inglebrough near our destination, the eye of Sauron is a metaphysical expression of Sauron himself, Red Riding Hood fell behind first nearly collapsing like a puppett with its strings cut then to have numerous wee’s and Jedi Master Mick and Gandalf the White had to change into their waterproofs because it was looking like rain while Luke Baggins carried on ahead with Gimli passing some waterfalls along the way where once again the Gollum was witnessed hiding. The path gradually got steeper as they started the ascent of Whernside by way of Coal Gill. The path remains easy to follow all the way up past Greenset Tarn to the ridge about half a mile below the summit of Whernside. When they reached the ridge they turned left and followed the path to the trig. point. At 2415' Whernside is Yorkshire's highest peak but apart from that it has little going for it and in bad weather it can be a depressing place to be and was probably the reason why Luke and Gimli did not wait for the rest of the group to catch up but carried on.
From the summit after a brief rest Jedi Master Mick, Red Riding Hood and Gandalf crossed the stile and followed the ridge down to Low Pike a little over half a mile further on. At a cairn the route leaves the path heading for Ingleton and turns sharp left to drop steeply down the side of the hill. In the distance over the valley neither The Jedi Master, Gandalf or Red Riding Hood could see any sign of Luke Baggins After negotiating three stiles to cross another path at the foot of the hill before going down a lane they were presented with The Gollum once again who’s poor son now looked like he could make it no longer, not being people of evil
At The Top Of Pen-Y-Ghent
they helped Gollum’s son the rest of the way down the lane for about another mile through lovely green fields which looked like the place where the childrens TV program Teletubbies was filmed and came out onto the Ingleton to Hawes road (B6255) just Below the The Prancing Pony Inn at Chapel le Dale.
Here everyone was reunited and Luke Baggins was found safe and sound, the final part of the journey could now begin, Luke and Gimli had been there about half an hour when Red Riding Hood, Gandalf and Jedi Master Mad Mick arrived and as a result Gimli and Luke were ready to set off for the final part of the journeyBetween them all they had managed to capture and "tame" Gollum, who showed them a way to enter Inglebrough secretly
(as opposed to the Black Gate), albeit through the dreaded valley of Minas Morgul.
The way they went from the Prancing Pony Inn was to take the road towards Ribblehead for a few yards and then cross the stile on their right. Cross the field to another stile again on their right and this was where Gimli decided to change into his waterproofs because by now it was absolutely pouring down. The wind was blowing hail into the fellowships faces as they followed the well defined path that crosses the next two fields to come out just above Souther Scales. It was here that Gollum betrayed Luke Baggins to the great spider, Shelob, and though he survived by blowing his whistle, he was then captured by the orcs and it took a great deal of bravery by Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli and Jedi Master Mick in a ferocious battle to free him
In the end The Grim Reaper was forced to retreat and Aragorn went back to slow down any reinforcements that Saruman might have advancing but sadly he was never seen again. The weary travelers could see the end in sight now continued following the path to a notch in a scar. Finally they started the climb of Inglebrough proper. They headed uphill to the stile over a wall to the pothole just to the left of the path just before the wall is Braithwaite Wife Hole.
Luke Baggins alone with the ring approached the mouth of the great gaping cavern while the rest of the party stood back unable to interfere, only Luke could cast in the ring but seemed reluctant having grown attached to its power.
At the last minute The Gollum lurched forward despite a frantic effort by Dimli to stop him and wrestled the ring from Luke and in his ecstasy at finally having the ring back in his possession fell into the Braithwaite Wife Hole.
The ring had finally been destroyed and with it went the dark cloud hanging over the Shire, but with its destruction evil energy pent up for hundreds of years was suddenly allowed to disperse away
The thunder clapped in the distant mountains Dimli, Gandalf, Red Riding Hood, Jedi Master Mick continued on the path after crossing the wall. The path soon becomes incredibly steep as they climbed towards the ridge between Simons Fell and the summit of Inglebrough.
The earth shook and rocks fell from above but with Gandalf’s magic and Jedi Master Mad Mick’s light saber they reached the ridge turned right and make the short ascent to the summit cairn.
It was like walking on the moon up here and despite all the days events Gandalf who had died and been reborn on the journey still had time to give his weary friends a tour of an ancient roman settlement that once had existed way up here in the long distant past, no one else sadly shared Gandalfs interest in the area.
After having a look round and getting their breath back the heros turned round and retraced their steps towards Simons Fell for about 250 yards to a point where a path drops away from the ridge to their right. This path drops straight down the slope for a few yards to a spring before bending left to go down the slope diagonally to a cairn and then shortly afterwards a ladder stile. From here-on downwards the path is relatively easy to follow and by this stage with the Kendal Mint Cake given to him by the Jedi Master and the Energy Pills from ASDA given to him by Luke Baggins Gimli was already about ½ mile ahead of Gandalf, Jedi Master Mad Mick, Luke Baggins and Red Riding Hood.
Halfway down the next field they picked up a wall and followed the line of this down past the remains of a shooting hut (where Red Riding Hood had another wee) to another ladder stile. Over this stile they picked up a lane and here was a signpost which indicated it was 1 ½ miles back to Horton In Ribblesdale however it seemed to be much further
Gandalf said that the signpost was built many years ago in the past when “a mile was a mile” but this was counter argued by Jedi Master Mick that the only way distances can shrink was when the traveller was approaching the speed of light which wasn’t anywhere near the pace they were going. After a few yards the lane bent right but the path they wanted veers to the left past Nick Pot and Sulber Pot to another wall which is crossed by yet another ladder stile. Keep on this path through Sulber Nick, a rock outcrop, to another wall with the inevitable ladder stile but the end is in sight. Two more short fields with stiles and your wall climbing is over. After the last stile it is a short drop down past the railway and onto the tarmac road into the village.
Finally jubulation we had made it, our legs felt like jelly and Luke Baggins had succeeded in finally getting rid of that ring and saving the Shire and also raising over £1000 in sponsorship for The McMillan Nurses.
When Jedi Master Mick walked into the Café with Luke Baggins and Red Riding Hood, the two hobbits were treated to a round of applause from the locals.
So it was that finally after hundreds of years of living in fear the ring, the true ring had finally been destroyed and with it went The Gollum who had been so greedy in his final moments that he too had dissapeared into Braithwaite Wife Hole with it.
This experience was to remain etched into the memories of the many participants who had persevered long after the pain in the legs had subsided but it was universally agreed that it was the two hobbits Luke Baggins and Red Riding Hood who would be forever remembered as the heros of the day.
The Grim Reaper was never found but still tales are passed on that he still roams those hills looking for the ring and sometimes his howls can still be heard around those parts in dark winters nights.
Gandalf went back to his job at The Lost World pushing his wheelbarrow of bricks about and Gimli continued frightning off the cleaning ladies who dared venture into the showers.
Jedi Master Mick went back to his despatch post where he still continues upsetting the Wookie, Wagon Drivers and really anyone he comes in contact with him in fact his boss Dolph Lungren often compares him with a character from the film “One flew over the cookoos nest” especially since he continues to keep producing sad aimless twaddle like the above story.
Ribblehead Viaduct
Whernside
Horton In Ribblesdale 1 1/2 miles - is it a lie?
Gandalf
Red Riding Hood
Luke Baggins
Deers Foot III Day 1115 (featuring Miss Jiggy written 19/9/07)
Yes we were here again, this time Myself, Luke Baggins, Stig. Miss Boley – the dog and Uncle Shrek were accompanied by Miss Jiggy, who is Uncle Shreks banker and guardian angel has well has his lady friend.
We have camped in these woods on the border of Bradley near Hudderfield and Brighouse on two other occasions this year but apart from some drunken fool from the nearby cornmill nightclub and killer minxes running about nothing supernatural has occurred.
So this is our third adventure during 2007 on a site which we have called Deers Foot because in the trees tied to the trunk is the remains of a deers ribcage and one of its hind legs
It is rumored that the wood is haunted they say that a ghost roams these woods at night; the ghost of a boy who was camping in the woods with his friends, he went off to get firewood and was never seen again. His friends searched the woods and when couldn’t find him, they informed the authorities. For a week the police searched the woods and all the surrounding area of Bradley, but they could find no trace of him and the search moved elsewhere.
Months later in the autumn, when the vegetation had died back, a local man walking his dog, found the body – it had no head and had lain undiscovered in dense undergrowth all summer long. By then the corpse was a terrible sight, just bones with lumps of mouldering flesh hanging from them. It happened many years ago and in the summertime the ghost of the boy with his head hanging to one side, wanders the woods at night looking for his friends.
But none of us guys believe in ghosts. Like I say, we have come to these woods this summer on two occasions this year, have done many times in the past and we have never met this ghost they talk about. No, we don’t believe in ghosts.
So here we are all sat round the fire which is being replenished by Uncle Shrek using a saw we have found, Miss Boley is sat in the tent trying to get a bit of sleep while we are playing the “ABC game”, as we call it.
We start with a subject for example our favourite is pop songs which is what we were playing tonight and go round the campfire trying to think of songs beginning with initially the letter “A”.
I started with A for “Angel by Madonna”, Then Luke after a bit of scratching of the head said “Akon”, which is allowed since we allow not only songs but the singers too. We carry on round until someone is counted out because they cannot think of any and the last person in gains one point.
It was a Saturday in late September. The weather was still warm but being early autumn, the nights were chilly and dark. We had set up our tent about 6:30pm. We had also
constructed our fire, gathered firewood and we had all our sleeping bags and flashlights ready, Uncle Shrek and Miss Jiggy had made our tea comprising of Chicken Tikka Curry with rice and Miss boley had washed all the dishes clean with her tongue.
We had joked and shared stories while we started our campfire. Once the flames were to an acceptable level, we had arranged ourselves into a circle and started playing our brilliant game and as usual Uncle Shrek was winning.
If you've ever sat around a campfire, you know that the area outside the glow of the fire is pitch black. It was from this blackness that the sounds of snapping twigs and the rustling of leaves came.
Stig was the first to hear the sounds and exclaimed in a loud whisper, "What's that? Shhh--listen!"
Luke froze mid-sentence and Miss Jiggy leaned forward, straining to hear.
For a long moment, there was nothing but the crackling of the fire.
Then Luke chided Stig for his outburst, "Stig, it's nothing. You're scaring us. Now cut it out!"
As soon as he uttered those words, a tremendous wind whipped through the woods, blowing a cloud of pine needles and leaves into the air. The debris hit our faces and stung our eyes. The wind blew our hair and upended our gear. It was so fierce and so abrupt that it almost put out their fire. Stig jumped out of the way in order to avoid being hit by the gust of flames that leaped in his direction. Then the wind stopped as suddenly as it started.
We were terrified. We sat motionless for a moment, not knowing what to do next or what to expect. The woods were completely silent.
Then, from the direction of the deepest part of the woods came a wailing so loud and so tormented, it was horrifying. We covered their ears with their hands and tried to block out the lamenting shriek. It was a sound we had never heard before and they knew it was not of this world.
Luke was the first to break the reverie. He sprang from his position in the direction away from the sound towards the river. Seconds later, Stig and Miss Jiggy did likewise. Their reaction was so instantaneous they didn't think about grabbing a flashlight. They darted through the inky forest tripping over logs and lumbering through the underbrush. If they stumbled, they quickly righted themselves. Mindless of the tears in their clothing or the scratches they suffered, their only objective was safety.
Me and Uncle Shrek sat rooted to the spot and slowly a mist formed round the tent which gave miss Boley the incentive to make a dash for it and follow the others I had my camera with me and pointed it at the mist in the hope of capturing something, the resulting video can be viewed below...
The spectacle was awesome, as the mist cleared everything was silent except the distant shrieks of Miiss Jiggy, Luke Baggins and Stig followed by Miss Boley running through the woods.
At first I could make out the human form of a body then the figure revealed itself as the mist descended and appeared to have no head.
It then vanished into thin air and me and Uncle Shrek were left in darkness except for the glow of the fire, it was about ½ hour later before Luke, Stig and Miss Jiggy returned, they claimed to have tried to leave the woods but had just stumbled round in a large circle before being drawn back to the tent.
Miss Boley was with them looking equally lost, we decided that we would have to camp out tonight since all paths led back to camp and try and find our way out in the safety of daylight.
It was a very eerie night, as we tried to get some sleep, we were all quiet and eventually succumbed to sleep, only to be awoken at about 3 am with the tent blowing about, no one dare go outside to see what was happening this time, even Miss Boley.
Sunday morning we quickly packed our things at the first rays of the dawn sunlight and left deers foot behind, we doubt that there will be a deers foot 4 but you never know.
In the daylight it was easy to find our way back on to the black track and back to the safety of my mums house at Bradley…
