This evening, The Committee and Mr Unstable are going to a bonfire and a firework display where he will meet all The Committees friends and family and he is just a little bit nervous about but at the same time excited.
Do you like fireworks? Mr Unstable does.
Mr Unstable is so excited that he nearly forgets to take the heated rollers out of his hair, Mr Unstable has already met a few of The Committee’s strange family and friends.
The other day he went to visit The Ice Queen, The Committees Aunty for the first time and he started to cry when she shouted at him, The Committee says that her Aunty the Ice Queen has “antifreeze for blood” and is well known for having absolutely no compassion whatsoever.
He also met her current boyfriend who is addicted to this funny tasting chewing gum and says he is a Russian Spy who once interviewed Yasser Arrafat and has not got many clothes left to wear because The Ice Queen keeps throwing them in the Garden after they have an argument about their other co-habitee.
Mr Unstable thinks that The Russian Spy is a bit Gay cos he looks at him all funny.
The other co-habitee is called The Normal Crusty Crab since he once worked for a restaurant called the Crusty Crab many years in the past when he was a cheff, but now he says he is homeless and kips on the sofa at the Committees Aunty’s during the week.
The Ice Queen keeps moaning that he wants Crusty Crab out of her house since he never pays her any rent at all and she was telling one of the neighbours how Crusty Crab was having a “early night” the other day because he had to be up at 4am but the rest of the household wasn’t, and he was lying on the settee but sleep just wasn’t happening.
On the weekend The Normal Crusty Crab enjoys many trips out to Blackpool and Morecambe with all the money that he saves from not having to pay out for Gas, Electric and Rent.
Anyway its time to set off for the Gangsters Bonfire and he is going with his big woolly hat with a pom-pom on that juggles about when he walks and his best scarfe.
See Mr Unstable skip down the road to the park holding The Committee's hand.
Are you allowed to cross the road on your own? Mr Unstable isn't.
Soon The Committee and Mr Unstable reach the The Gangsters House. There is a very big crowd, a huge bonfire, and lots empty cans of kestrel super strength everywhere.
The first person to meet Mr Unstable is Hermanie, one of The Committees silly friends and she likes boys a lot and she is really giggly when The Committee proudly introduces them both.
Soon Hermanie is chasing Mr Unstable round the block and The Committee is a bit concerned because she thinks Mr Unstable might have one of his “do’s” again like he did when he first met her Pink Grandmas dog Miss Boley.
Hermanie finally calms down though when she has sampled Mr Unstables goods and she has shown him her fireworks and the bush she has been growing since she was a teenager.
They now all walk calmly back to the gate, chatting happily and ready to meet some more of the Committees friends and family.
As they approach the door The Committees Uncle Mad Mick comes bouncing out armed with a camera and a tape recorder and starts asking him deep probing questions about his relationship with The Committee.
Luckily The Committee has already forewarned him about this exotic character who regularly attends AA meetings and fancies himself as a bit of a freestyle journalist writing about loads of crap that no one can ever follow.
He also keeps recording weird videos of himself dancing in the woods with his protégé and 11-year-old son Luke who named after a famous Star Wars hero.
Mr Unstable quivering now with nerves and sweating profusely continues through the hall into the room and is met by another strange Bradley Character Called “Shadow”.
Shadow is talking to his reflection in the full length mirror in the room which is full of too many characters to count and the noise is totally overwhelming.
The Committee introduces him to the host of the party, a person he has heard so much about but never actually met in real life until today, a person who has helped so many people in times of trouble but sadly today there seemed to be no one there to help him.
The Gangster is sat on the sofa, bent double with a cushion on his stomach, obviously severely in pain and on the table in front of him is a whole selection of empty packets of pain killers.
The Committee abandons him here on the sofa sat next to The Gangster while she goes to join the fun going on outside and for a while they both stare into space with a long uncomfortable silence while all around them people are moving about randomly like ants in an ants nest.
On the wall above the fireplace is a large picture of Betty Turpin and the Gangster together on a beach somewhere with some donkeys and to the right is a smaller picture of the Gangster with Miss Popoff on the set of Rentaghost a childrens program from back in the late 70s.
It feels as if everyone is oblivious to The Gangster who seems obviously in great need of urgent medical attention so finally Mr Unstable decides to break the Ice and ask The Gangster a question.
“Are you okay?” he asks his voice sounding a little squeaky even to his own hears.
“No I am in pain, I have taken four coproxinol, 5 Buprenorphine,8 Butorphanol, 10 Codeine ,7 of those Dextropropoxyphene, 2 of them Dihydrocodeine, and even tried a Fentanyl and it still wont go away”
Just at that point a little hairy character called Wear-wolf comes into the room holding a firework in his hand and exclaims to The Gangster that his windows have cracked and it is probably due to the heat of the bonfire.
But the Gangster just replies that the windows are the least of his problems and with this The Wearwolf wonders off rapping along with a song that is coming out of his mobile phone to go back out and stare at the moon again.
The Gangsters mum Mrs Megaphone then appears with what looks like a sandwich and hands it to him, she seems very busy trying to feed all the masses of guests and complains about people using the kitchen to build spliffs.
“Why cant they do there drugs outside Richard” she says.
Mr Unstable forgot to ask for some tomato ketchup. See Mr Unstable go into the kitchen to get some ketchup. Mrs. Megaphone says 'sorry Mr Unstable, there is no more ketchup, but you can have some tomato relish', pop out into the back of the shed and I'll get you some. 'Thank you Mrs. Megaphone says Mr Unstable.
Mr Unstable goes back to meet The Committee. 'Did you get something to eat?', says The Committee.
"Yes" says Mr Unstable. I got a lovely big hamburger from Mrs. Megaphone. Then I asked her for a bit of sauce and she told me to come around to the back of the shed and palmed me off with relish. Then Hermanie said that it might be a bit cold, but if I wanted, I could enjoy a wonderful display from her flat out on the heath tomorrow evening.
See the fireworks.
Do you know what an uppercut is? The Committee does.
See Mr Unstable sitting on the ground looking at the pretty stars. Poor Mr Unstable.
Mr Unstable comes round to the blurred outline of a very pointed face looking at him as he lay surrounded by old relics of washing machines.
“Are you feeling a bit better” she asks her golden blonde hair glistening in the afterglow from the bonfire, “You had a hasty bump, I am Pointed Sarah”.
She introduces Mr Unstable to her boyfriend Hotwired who is a big fan of the American Rapper Eminiem.
Hotwired helps Mr Unstable to his feet and helps him over near to the to the Bonfire where everybody is.
The Bonfire is now burning fiercely and in the corner of the garden a long person called Fubuman who hasn’t met yet and The Wearwolf are setting off a big firework, soon it takes off into the sky with a loud shriek and obliterates into a maelstrom of multi coloured stars.
Then comes an earth shuddering explosion, Mr Unstable hates big bangs but this is followed by another bang as a aerosol canister that Luke and The Flid had put on when they were building the bonfire also explodes and a piece of shrapnel narrowly misses Hotwired’s head.
But Hotwired seems unfazed by his close encounter with severe head injury and says to Mr Unstable “here I gotta proposition for you, do you want to buy a motorbike, its all legit with the log books and everything”
Near the bonfire The Flid is being bouncing about in his pink frilly frock and Mad Mick is there acting like a complete idiot as usual, The Flid says that Mad Mick isn’t quite a full picnic which makes everyone laugh.
Mr Hotwired is now asking The Committees dad, The Ticking Bomb, who is very quiet if he wants to buy a motorbike and The Ticking Bomb is looking at him gone out as he occasionally takes a swig of his Kestrel Super strength.
It seems despite Hotwired’s special efforts his company for which he is the president namely “Dodgy Deals & Co”, he does not seem to be having a lot of success today selling its merchandise.
Fubuman approaches, Fubuman is The Committees Uncle and is complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen that the bonfire does not carry the full “Fubu” trademark, since the bonfire was in the wrong place to start with, hence the windows as a result got cracked and also the fireworks were sh*te.
Mr Unstable has still got a slight headache and still wonders what he had said wrong to produce a reaction like that from his beloved girlfriend The Committee but looking at the other side of the garden he sees Luke screaming for mercy has his ears are pulled by The Committee and he assumes she must always punch first and ask questions after.
Leaving Luke in a heap on the floor the Committee makes her way through the smokey air and he can just feel the weight of her stare, she offers him a seductive cuddle and immediately all his resentments melt away.
“I am so sorry, I just get so jealous when you talk about other girls that way” she whispers in his hear as she presses her body into him.
Luckily he is rescued by Werewolf’s girlfriend Jaws who comes over to talk to The Committee and to introduce herself to him, She has just given birth to her new baby and this has been her first day out.
Another character The Tasmanian Devil is talking to Mad Mick at the left of him as they watch more fireworks take off and explode into multicoloured stars
Taz says “Yes I have made mistakes in my life but surely that is what life is about and after all people who make no mistakes don’t do anything”.
“Oh No I forgot my rock” he shouts
“What Rock” says Mad Mick
Soon Mad Mick, The Tasmanian Devil and his lady Venus are heading out towards Mad Micks car and of course The Committee wants me to come along as well and so we all pile into Micks Ford Focus C-Max.
On the way to Taz’s house Mick, Venus and Taz are discussing having a crap, the conversation was initiated when Mick explained how he hated it when he went to the toilet and had a dump but ended up with ½ stool stuck and had to shake his arse to break it loose.
These people just arnt normal thinks Mr Unstable and feels a bit claustrophobic stuck in the back of the car but soon they pull up outside Taz’s Yard where Cujo and Smudge come out to greet us all.
Cujo is Taz’s Rotweiller and Smudge is German shepherd, the latter looks at Mad Mick with evil eyes and seems to be already working out a plan to ambush him but Mad Mick has seen through its tactics now and waits in the car where it is safe.
Taz goes to check his plants are okay – he says he enjoys many conversations with his plants – he then fumbles through is rock collection before choosing is favourite rock to take back with him, he has named this Rock Carbro and says she is pregnant and is expected to lay her eggs any time.
We all bundle back into the C-max and set a course back to The Gangsters bonfire, this time the subject of conversation is something that seemingly happened 2 years ago in a dark woods called Witches Wood.
Apparently The Magic Pixies arrived on a spaceship from another planet and along with Chucklevision a member of the visitors to the Gangsters bonfire who Mr Unstable hadn’t seen yet they saved the world from the dark forces.
