We discover religion to keep ourselves out of hell we discover spirituality to escape from hell....
I cannot rewrite my past but I can write my future
Step 5 “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs” has been a very liberating experience for me this weekend and today as I write this I am twelve weeks sober with diminishing feelings for life with the Magic Pixies.
For so long I have blamed everyone and everything for the way I have felt but in the back of my mind and looking at my personal inventory came the nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe it was me who was the person who had done all the damage.
Believe me it is not an easy thing to face...... to see my step four go up in smoke on Friday and watch the smoke disperse into the clear blue sky a overwhelming feeling of true serenity settled over me for the first time in living memory.
It is like all the noise that was going on inside my head for so long was suddenly silent and in true AA spirit I could now indeed live but just one day at a time, just concentrate on living Gods will for just one day to the best of my ability.
I suppose this is the “Spiritual Awakening” that is often spoken of, maybe all your little brain cells in your brain finally start to work together instead of pulling in random directions a bit like the tiny magnets in a piece of iron come together in unity to make a magnet.
I have really enjoyed my weekend with Rebecca and Luke, on Saturday we went round Huddersfield Market and called at Argos to purchase a digital camera and had a really great weekend taking pictures and printing them out on this computer.
It was great just to enjoy being myself, and being round children brings that out in you
My son Luke (9), niece Little Miss Squeaky (11) and my Dog Miss Boley (3 1/2)
So next is Step 6, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character” the question that this brings to mind at first is what I will have left of my character after and the second must be is God willing to do this?
Looking at my 12 x 12 as my sponsor told me, on the second page writes something like that if God has helped me rid myself of the obsession with alcohol then surely he will finish the job and get rid of the defects of character as well.
Somebody shared tonight at our AA meeting that he had for the first time prayed for the anger to be removed from him and woken up feeling much better as a result making him wish that he had prayed for something more substantial.
The way I understand it is that God quite readily will lift our obsession with alcohol since he sees it as going against everything he has planned for us, indeed it is almost like a living entity in itself and eventually destroys its host which is not what God wants.
But taking away our “defects of character” almost makes me think of m becoming whiter than white, almost saintly and surely like Step 3 giving over our will is a progressive thing not something that you can say you have completed.
The 12x12 goes on to say that only step one can be said to be completed with 100% perfection and the remaining 11 steps can only suggest “perfect” ideals, so can I say that I have made a beginning at Step 6 and move on to step 7.
These thoughts of analysis soon paralyse my train of thought as I walk round the Calder Valley where I live with my Digital Camera with my niece and my dog oblivious to my wondering mind.
Me walking up Stoney Lane in Bradley near where I live thinking about step six, behind me is Miss Boley who is not thinking about step six but is looking for a rabbit or squirrel to chase. My niece is the one taking the picture and isnt thinking about step six either.
So where am I have I completed the sixth step or not, I certainly feel envious when someone else is receiving praise, and I feel angry when someone criticises me or I am stuck in a traffic jam and some lunatic tries to jump the queue.
As I sat under a tree halfway up Stoney lane I felt brief anger when a squirrel dropped acorns on my head (I mean one acorn you can put down to the damn thing accidently dropping it but three?) and this anger briefly swelled when Rebecca started laughing at my plight.
Today I felt resentful because I have to give up all my Sundays to visit my brother who is in hospital and has been there for nearly two years, and on the return journey I could feel anger welling up as Luke and Rebecca were fighting in the back of our car.
The 12x12 suggests towards the end of the chapter that we should head towards perfection and counter-argues that one could say “Sure I’ll head there but I ain’t in no hurry”, but concludes the argument by adding this wont do.
I suppose I am just being pedantic with this looking at my Step Four I can see a lot of character defects, being painfully shy could mean talking more to people instead of typing my thoughts out on this web site and instead of being angry at having to see my brother make it into a adventure which I think is what I am trying to do.
The chapter concludes with the sentence “This is the point at which we abandon limited objectives and move towards God’s will for us”
Meet my family, Luke my son always thinking with his stomach, my mum who looks after us all, my dad who has Parkinsons Disease and my niece who has a voice so high pitched that only a dogs can hear her
My dad said today as we drove back from Wakefield, that in the last three months I have become much calmer and I do feel more serene, I enjoy the scenery more instead of thinking of the destination and generally live more in the moment.
I will certainly practise my Step 6 at work during the next week, I will become conscious of the way I would react to a situation and keep you posted of my reactions
Just got back from my AA meeting at Huddersfield and took Miss Boley for a walk, not being allowed to talk about AA meetings there is not a lot I can say about that and also my boss has made it clear that my work life is strictly a taboo subject so there isn’t much left to share about these days.
Well there is always something, there is my faithful 3 ½ year old Labrador cross, Miss Boley, she has accompanied me everywhere since she was a little tiny pup.
Our latest game that I play with her is called lampposts, when we are walking back from our little field and back on to the estate, which leads to my house, there is a special lamppost that sits right in the middle of the sidewalk.
Now Miss Boley has one of those “Extension Leads” which you can press a button on the handle and the dog lead extends to about 10ft and when we approach the special lamppost I always go round the opposite side of it from Miss Boley since she was at first usually some 15ft in front of me.
She would then find herself coming to an abrupt halt and couldn’t understand why I was only 5ft behind her, then you would see it register in her brain that I had fooled her again and she would patiently back track and go round the lamppost the same way as me thereby freeing herself.
I have continued to do this for the last few weeks or so just to entertain myself and at first she would slow down but still pass the lamppost before turning round to see where I was going and then obediently backtrack in her last few steps and follow my lead.
It didn’t matter which way she went round the lamppost I would do the opposite.
Just lately however she has slowed down on the approach to this special lamppost, pretending to be suddenly interested in sniffing a nearby leaf or a piece of poo that some other dog has left behind and refuses to pass it until I choose which way to go.
It just shows though how quickly she learns, I think she often thinks to herself that her owner isn’t quite all there at times but never the less continues to put up with my eccentric behaviour.
A little over three months ago I used to spend hours talking to her while swigging cans of superstrength and during the summer months use her as a pillow when I was on the verge of passing out.
Now I am on day 85 of my sobriety and last night for the first time had a drinking dream which I genuinely thought I had wasted all those months of effort, even for a little while after I awoke I felt the feeling of utter despair.
I feel now that I have a genuine fear of alcohol, which my sponsor says is probably a good thing however there, are still all those old feelings there, those old defects of character.
When I am in any social environment when there are a lot of people chatting I feel like I am in a huge glass box cocooned away from everyone with nobody able to see me or hear me and the longer the period lasts the less able I am to break out of it.
I genuinely feel unable to join in any small talk, and feel painfully aware of my presence like it somehow acts as an emotional black hole – I just long to be accepted into “there” world and be able to act like them without feeling so dreadfully inhibited.
Then again I spent nearly 20 years drinking to escape from these feelings in the first place and they are not about to go away just because I have spent just over 1% of that time in sobriety and were probably there twenty years ago…
Step Six of the AA program still eludes me, I am ready for these defects to be removed if only God would remove them!
I have tried going for a day without feeling anger, but all it takes is one stupid person in there car to do something stupid in front of me and out of the blue its back like it was never away.
Tonight I thought I had done well all day, I had worked hard at work and the same time tried to have a laugh.
On my return journey home I got stuck in a traffic jam while taking a shortcut through Brighouse, I tried my hardest not to lose my patience but then someone decides that there destination is much more important than mine and proceeds down the wrong side of the road to where I was and sticks there indicator on at the side of me.
I mean I had queued there patiently for maybe 20 minutes to get where they wanted to be, so I feel my resentment building up but following my AA principles let them in rather than play the game of “touch the guy in fronts bumper and leave them stranded”.
All the jam was caused by some roadworks for the third instance this year at the traffic lights just after Brighouse railway station, I then curse the council for allowing this to happen and arrive at my AA meeting feeling pissed off and back in my glass box.
Still its another day tomorrow and I might make it a little further before I lose it.
Tonight I thought I needed a break from the old routine or maybe my higher power arranged the opportunity for me to go somewhere new and I fearfully accepted.
The last time I attended at Halifax was when I was in my first month of sobriety and I attended with “The Future Rugby Player”, I remember feeling somewhat embarrassed asking for directions to the YMCA when in the middle of Halifax town centre on a Saturday night with this guy.
I was also presented with a starter pack despite having attended over 30 meetings by this stage and referred to the meeting after as being full of farmers.
As with any first time encounters anywhere the glass box was immediately beckoning but I was soon introduced to The Peacock Hater who said that the steps were a load of b*llocks and that for him personally the AA had really f*cked up his drinking habits.
He claimed to be 9 weeks sober having had just one bottle of some spirits due to him temporarily loosing his way but before that he was 6 ½ years without picking up a drink and that it was one isolated incident, a mere blip on the otherwise clear landscape.
I think the important thing here is to remember to “live and let live”, I am not about to give up this new way of life I have found because one person feels different and sees things in a different light.
Feargal was sharing and I got a lot out of her share, the link between alcoholics grossly inflated egos and low self esteem is really a “defect of character” shared by many in the fellowship and leads to the manic behaviour which makes us so hard to live with.
I myself prefer to live with my parents due to a number of reasons the main ones being that I am simply not paid enough for my efforts at work to afford to do different and the spiralling cost of government taxes which would mean I would have to live in my car if I lived alone.
The meeting was what I can only describe as very abrasive and was situated down some pokey stairs in a small windowless room, but there were plenty of AA catch-phrases on the brightly painted walls indicating that the room had no other purpose.
I am not at liberty to describe the very words since the AA tradition is of “Who you see here, What you hear here, let it stay here” but I can I think capture the atmosphere if I keep the characters nondescript and in some ways I felt very isolated compared with the warmer meetings such as Holmefirth.
My immediate neighbour complained that a lot of companies today are run by people who are cold calculating robots however he used somewhat stronger language and gained a lot of laughs with his repeated use of the f word.
Another shared that he had definitely found his home group here and like me with my regular attendance at four groups had lulled himself into a comfort zone and maybe a false sense of security.
Sometimes I think it is good to feel the fear and go out and do something different, I myself am on my 87th day of sobriety with 88 meetings under my belt but they have all been in familiar environments.
The Peacock Hater then added his bit about hating his next door neighbours because they were peacocks and loved to walk around with there fancy things while he did not hide his feelings for them and made it very obvious with his scowl.
He said that the steps and the traditions were another authoritarian discipline which he despises and there was no such thing as a dry drunk, in short he came across as very negative but then went on to say that he was grateful to the AA for being there which made me feel rather confused.
Another sharer who looked like a male member of the pop group ABBA was next and came across as always into his first two weeks of sobriety if that is possible he blamed the fact that he lived in a house that was adjacent to a supermarket, sandwiched between two pubs and within a short walking distance of the six till very late local off licence.
The meeting at Halifax was a real eye-opener and I am still in a state of shock, afterwards I retreated back into my glass box to enjoy my cup of tea feeling very vulnerable and certainly not wanting to share my painful battle so far.
Just got back after taking Miss Boley for her evening stroll round the field and to the God Place where I like to say my prayers, I always say first the Lords Prayer, then the Serenity Prayer and finally conclude with my own personal communication.
Miss Boley hasn’t yet got round to sitting on her hind legs at the side of me and putting her paws together and joining me yet, she just contentedly snuffles around in the long grass nearby picking up the scents of the numerous dogs which have passed by during the day.
It always makes me feel complete and in harmony with my life to end the day like this and I never forget to thank God for another sober day, my 88th and to let me do his will for another 24 hours.
Today my daily meeting was at Holmfirth and was a big book study that we each take it in turns to read a passage from our AA bible entitled simply “Alcoholics Anonymus”.
The great thing about AA meetings is everyone has equal status, we are all privates there are no sergeant majors though that does not stop people from trying to think they are, we are all from all walks of life but we have all been brought together for each others benefit.
The shares tonight were the usual variety of horror stories for the new-comer who had joined us for his second meeting, people drinking out of puddles in the road destitute, others hanging from drainpipes, stories of devastation brought on to their families but the common thread being that they had when they finally reached the buffers at the end of the line found the fellowship and finally love, friendship and understanding.
My own story is one of intense loneliness and the inability to make any real friends that mattered and despite being awarded with a good brain chose repeatedly to drowned the little voice inside with gallons of poison and be possessed by the earth bound entities that still await me to once again fall into that deep sea of despair.
The belief in a higher power than myself and the gentle encouragement of my true friends in the fellowship have given me the strength to let the little voice inside me do the talking for once and not be drowned out in the mindless chatter.
The Big Book has taught me that society is on a road of ever increasing sophistication and more dazzling technological breakthroughs, never before in mans history on this planet has the individual become so lost and lonely.
Why is it that when man has acquired so much “stuff” does he look heavenward and ask with tears in his eyes is this all life is all about, pulling yourself up the ladder of success by pulling others around you down and at last at the top of the tower feeling that you are the master of all you survey.
Scientists at the forefront of research discover ever more exotic “particles” that are the building blocks of the Universe but by breaking things down loose sight of the collective whole, the structure of synergy working together in nature making life infinitely more than simply the sum of its individual parts.
Similarly by isolating the individual we are becoming further and further away from the collective consciousness, as the old saying goes “united we stand but divided we fall”.
Coming back down to earth, I have asked God to help me remove my defects of character, those that have been brainwashed into me from a very young age by the naïve and unforgiving so called civilisation of our own making.
I try to act courteously when I drive my car, tonight, I was on the M62 returning from my place of work when I kindly flashed my headlights at a clearly frightened elderly driver who was carefully joining the main carriageway from the M621 which leaves Leeds and was immediately presented with a whole maelstrom of eager car drivers fighting for the space in front of me.
Each individual in their car is like a self obsessed maniac who will pull any crazy stunt to arrive at there eagerly awaited destination almost mirroring what is happening with egocentric individuals in society as a whole.
On Saturday November 27th I will have completed my 90 meetings in ninety days but now there is no turning back for me, I feel almost reborn a new character where there was once a dry parched desert new blades of grass are starting to grow, new thoughts are replacing those that have dominated my thinking for so long.
It seems to me that alcohol is just the tip of a huge iceberg for the alcoholic and as more of our locked up emotions are exposed it becomes increasingly difficult to go back to our old way of life without suffering the ultimate penalty.
I have had a great weekend, the usual routine but I feel much stronger and I think I am having some of those defects of character surgically removed but I still think I could do with more exercise.
Friday started the ball rolling by going to the wrong house to pick Luke up ready for his weekend visit, his mother moves backwards and forward from her current boyfriend so many times I am sure I can be forgiven for not being able to keep track of it all.
So anyway she has moved back to her old house, there are bets going round how long she will stay there before being reunited once again and starting the cycle all over once more but I suppose this is another defect of character.
Still it allowed me to get some photos of her for my online journal on Saturday morning before we all ventured up town to do a bit of shopping
Acid Tongue, Dominating Donna, Luke, Baby Michael, Little Miss Squeaky and Lukes Sister
On Saturday Night I went for my 90th meeting in 90 days and was rewarded with a inspirational share by a member of the two ronnies who after promising us all that he did not talk much spent the next three quarters of the meeting keeping the huge audience on the edge of there seats.
He promised us that if we put our dreams in a sealed envelope and away in a drawer that if we concentrated wholly on the program and came back and opened the envelope we would find that we were selling ourselves short.
He also suggested that we should “quit listening to ourselves and start talking to ourselves” because our brains can only think one thought at a time instead of lying in bed in a morning thinking of the day ahead in our heads we should force our brains to concentrate on the moment.
“I am now making myself a cup of tea, I am putting the tea into the cup… now the sugar.. one two… I am sitting down to drink the tea” etc. and say this out load to ourselves.
The Messiah commented after the share that if this line of thought were to be brought through to its conclusion he would start his day with “I am now having a [CENSORED]” and it would probably set him up for the day with a wrong attitude.
The Messiah has a very analytical mind like myself and is currently enjoying a book entitled “The Marriage of Fundamental Particle Physics with the elemental foundation of religion” which those evangelists brought him after enjoying that video [mentioned in Day 50]
This book explains that if the constants of nature were only slightly different from what they are (i.e 1 part in a trillion or so) then a universe harbouring intelligent life would not be possible and thus there would be no one to ask the question why are we here in the first place – apparently this is called the anthropic principle.
He seems to feel that his higher power had placed this opportunity before him so that he could carry on the path of self discovery and practice keeping an open mind and was pretty sure that had he been handed such a book a year ago it would have been placed in the bin.
Which brings me to wonder which events in our lives are coincidental and which have significance, I mean I was recommended a book called “Portent” by James Herbert on Saturday by this plump lady at Huddersfield Market on Saturday does that mean that God intended me to read this book?
Anyway I have sidetracked again, the meeting on Saturday was probably the best share I have heard in my 90 days with a close second being a tie between The Coal Miner and Master Mace Windu and I have just had a bath and have kept repeating to myself “I am having a bath” over and over again while in there playing with my ducks.
My mother only enquired once who I was taking to and I simply replied myself adding that it was another AA technique I had gathered from one of the two Ronnies on Saturday.
Saturday night Me and Luke watched the video “Speed” which is about that bus which has a huge bomb underneath it which will explode if the coaches speed drops below 50 mph.
Such is my active imagination that I had a dream that I was driving my Ford Focus to Wakefield to see my brother with my mum and dad, Luke, Squeaky and Miss Boley in the car and I was in an identical situation, I awoke suddenly from my dream after careering out of control through Wakefield City Centre.
I could feel the dejavu today when I was in reality going to see my brother for our weekly visit to Fieldhead hospital where he is suffering from schizophrenia and my dad seemed a little concerned at the way I was driving.
Luke and myself usually go for a hours walk with the dog while my parents and this week my brothers daughter go to see him.
Luke said today that he had learned from my lessons with drinking and when he got older he would not do it, but I can remember saying the same thing to my father when I was nine years old although my dad wasn’t an alcoholic.
Which brings me to that conundrum “Are we born an alcoholic?”
I suppose this is a very important question because if it is somehow hardwired into our genetics that when we drink alcohol we will have no control over our actions then surely other aspects of ourselves are at the control of our genetics.
Then where do we draw the line, and is free will simply an illusion, are our whole lives predetermined to such an extent that I was destined to have the dream I had about driving through Wakefield thinking there was a bomb under my car.
I suppose you can get yourself into paralysis of analysis once more with such questions better just deal with things as they occur and like step three says not be the stage master and leave that role to your higher power.
Anyway has I raced to tonights meeting at Dewsbury with my passenger “The Future Rugby Player” clinging to his seat while I left flashing speed camaras in my wake trying to keep the vehicles speed above 50 mph we were awarded by an excellent share by The Hypochondriac.
I am now sat at my computer wondering if I am really an alcoholic or am I suffering from video induced personality disorder or VIPD as well as the Sneakily Writing About Everything Syndrome SWAES and all this is of course not my fault because I was born this way.
Anyway I am going to read “Portent” by James Herbert now so goodnight
It was just one of those meetings tonight, I picked “The Future Rugby Player” and “Feargal Sharkey” up for our home group meeting at Holmfirth on this cold and frosty evening.
I don’t know if it was the fact that a schoolmaster was chairing and Mr Bean was sharing or The Future Rugby Player sulking because The Messiah wouldn’t let him use his washing machine again that started Feargal off but she just could not stop giggling.
By the end of the meeting most of the girls there were trying there best to suppress laughter and even I myself exploded a couple of times only to disguise it has a cough or pretend to clear my throat.
I know alcoholism is a serious matter but I have noticed that every so often this happens, it’s as if alkies are like a volcano and every so often emotions erupt out and they are quite uncontrollable.
It makes matters worse when the chairer is sat there with a scowl like we are all a group of unruly schoolchildren but I did feel sorry a bit for Mr Bean since it was the first time he had come to Holmfirth and must of thought the majority of us were a group of juvenile delinquents.
His share was very intense and I related to a lot he was saying, especially the part about not having a “instruction manual” for life and yet at the same time seeing everyone else with it coming natural to them.
I myself feel now like I have no hobbies, I spent maybe the last decade or so of my life thinking about the next drink and the last three months of my life so far occupied with not drinking.
I mean everyone else has other interests but I am at this point left with a huge gaping chasm to fill with little motivation to fill it and I shared this with the fellowship whilst Feargal was pottering about in the kitchen trying to suppress yet more laughter.
Sometimes I just think to myself, so this is it, I’m sober now where is my reward but I must remember to the vast majority of the population its no big deal being a normal rational person who doesn’t have to drowned out there feelings with gallons of poison every night in order to get some sleep.
After the meeting the American Lass came over to me to say that she had related to everything I had said, she too had been asked what she did on an evening and had needed to make things up to look like a interesting and meaningful person when in actual fact she had spent every night in the pub getting p*ssed.
She promised that slowly the hole would be filled and that I would eventually develop new interests.
When we all stood in our circle holding hands ready for the Serenity Prayer the schoolmaster said that he had to apologise for the behaviour of certain members of the groups behaviour tonight and we were all left in no doubt about who he was referring to.
In retrospect, we cannot all sit there at AA meetings looking deadly serious all the time surely every so often we need a break from the straight laced regimented carry on we find ourselves in.
Sometimes a little laughter is the best medicine, and I don’t think I have laughed like I have tonight for years maybe I am just starting to discover myself and feel a serenity just being me.
To give the Schoolmaster his dues he did crack a little smile while he told a little joke towards the end for in a prominent position in every AA meeting is the yellow card, which reads:
Who you see here
What you hear here
Let it stay here
“Surely if we all obeyed this nobody would learn anything”, says it all if you live by all the rules you get nowhere and if you live by none of the rules you get nowhere!
I think my biggest defect of character is fear of people and this is a fear that has been with me for a long time, I remember when I used to attempt to do my shopping when I lived alone a few years back.
I would cycle to the supermarket in them days with a rucksack on my back because I could not afford a car, I would approach the foyer with caution trying to avoid all them people who hung around trying to sell you something.
Occasionally if there was too many of “them” in the doorway with there inquisitive looks and neat little clipboards with boxes ready to be ticked I would have to admit defeat and make a hasty retreat.
Once I had made it past the first obstacle, the noise inside would overwhelm me and I would try my best to avoid having to say hello to the grinning “greeter” who had a nice badge saying “always happy to help” with a smiley face on it.
I would then set off with my trolley quietly cursing all the people who would decide to have convenient conversations in my path and those picky old women who would spend hours carefully selecting something then abruptly changing there mind and discarding the article to select another item that looked slightly better value.
Occasionally panic would set in and I would put items in my trolley that I would later have no recollection of having placed in there, in the background the annoying music usually from the 70s or early 80s would be playing with the random pointless announcements about products that had gone past there sell by date.
Another thing that really annoyed me was that things were always being moved around and when I finally plucked up enough courage to ask one of the assistants where a grocery item was located this week I was either met with a blank stare or received one of the following replies.
“Wheres the fish?! Do you mean tinned fish, dried fish, fresh fish, frozen fish”
On another occasion whilst obtaining some bun papers for my mother who still likes to bake her own buns I asked a one of the happy helpers where they could be found and was severely embarrassed when the assistant said “Do you mean toilet rolls sir”
Many, many occasions I would abandon my shopping trolley half full with groceries and run out of the shop and I was sure that I was the only person on the entire planet who felt this way.
Now years later, I have joined a club of people who are like me and tonight’s share was by a person who I have only seen at Halifax and when he spoke I identified immediately with his insecurity.
The meeting at Huddersfield was a much more depressing affair, with many of us reduced to tears, if it wasn’t for the Messiah reassurances afterwards I think I might of needed to pay a visit to the Samaritans.
Where yesterday there was uncontrollable laughter today was shear despair and that is what life is like for us alkies up and down like a yo-yo.
Our Sharer tonight took us on an emotional journey and told us his story with absolute honesty, he was not out to impress anyone or to tell people what they wanted to hear but just to live life on life’s terms and accept the bad days as well as the good.
When the meeting was opened to general shares around the group, I racked my brains for something to say that sounded “profound” and would make me stand out from the crowd and fill my deflating ego.
I realise now why my mind drew a blank, I cannot just be myself and relax, I always want to be outrageous and be noticed – I was face to face again with another of my defects of character.
So I spent the entire meeting in receive mode without any transmissions because I had thought so hard for something meaningful to say I had once again wound up the meeting saying nothing.
When I say my prayers on a night I keep praying for my higher power to take away my defects of character but I think the important point of Step Six is realising what they are!
It was certainly a very deep meeting tonight and I feel I have advanced a few more inches up the ladder of sobriety and self-discovery coming to terms with all these strange feelings that are now coming to the surface.
Tonight as I was driving home with “Hazard” by Richard Marx playing on the stereo I thought back in my life about all those abandoned shopping trolleys left in my wake, all those things I nearly did but gave up at the last minute because it got a bit hard.
Just been to my favourite meeting tonight at my home group and I have come to realise why I used to sit in woods isolated from other people using alcohol as an escape from reality.
I think the AA sets itself such high morals that it cannot begin to live up to them since it involves people who like it says are not saints.
Its an hierarchy like everything else in life, those who have been “in” for years assume a position of wisdom and those who have put in 100% effort for the last three months are not even acknowledged with the responsibility of having a key for the place.
You know when I walked round the field tonight in the freezing temperatures I felt happy just being alone, as soon as you acknowledge the existence of others in your life you suddenly find you have a head full of problems.
So yes, the very people who are supposed to care have generally ignored me all night – maybe they like to see you grow and then when they feel you are getting there just pull the rug from under your feet.
I also find out in a roundabout way that my sponsor has decided he has had enough, I have noticed that he hasn’t been there well, since I gave him the eleven page Uncensored Step Four to read.
You know the biggest resentment I have, is that a couple of weeks ago there was four of us at that meeting tonight because we had just ½ inch of snow, and tonight everyone was back in there glory preaching things that they never practice a bit like those politicians who promise no tax rises while doing the opposite a few months later.
I don’t think I have ever felt so isolated at that meeting tonight like everyone had a something against me, as soon as we had all finished the conspiracy, I mean serenity prayer I quietly slipped away hoping my disappearance was unnoticed.
To explain all this self-pity can I go back to my Physics roots way back before 1990 when we were taught that the position and momentum of a particle couldn’t both be measured simultaneously?
The very act of observation disturbs the electron so much that if its position is measured exactly its momentum cannot and vice versa and to me it seems the same is true about people.
If you anonymously write down the things that amuse you about the way people act and react then the very act of observation seems to disturb them and make them do unpredictable things.
I mean we are supposed to live in a free country where the right to voice ones opinion about things is fundamental but when you try and exercise that right you are made a scapegoat for a whole host of misdemeanours.
I know what everyone will say either find another meeting or don’t write about your existence but doesn’t AA Step 10 encourage us to write about the way we feel? Or in my naïve state of only three months sobriety am I getting it all wrong somehow?
Anyway I am feeling a lot better saying all that, its good to get things off your chest so that you don’t sleep on them, and I have been feeling real tired just lately and am constantly pressing the snooze button in a morning before I go to work.
Oh yes in my mad head I texted my sponsor a message saying “I have just heard you don’t want to be my sponsor anymore”, but he has not replied which could mean many things but at least I have shared my step four with another human being.
I do enjoy myself at work though I have been told by the HR not to write about my experiences there, I have felt a great deal happier since I quit drinking and feel a lot more human in my working environment.
I have also decided not to go to the works party since I don’t think I should put myself in a situation where I could be tempted back to the dark side of the force, I am just happy at work now a days to be a “normal” person.
Earlier this year I started an expedition of observation of my fellow employees but I could feel there irrational and unpredictable behaviour start to affect me as the observer and now I think the same thing is happening in my nocturnal activities within the AA.
The thing is within the AA you can easily escape like I did tonight all be it, scorched with a few resentments but these are soon diluted in the big world outside which is not the case when you are stuck working with people day in day out.
Sometimes I think with Gods help I am beginning to see a big picture of the Universe, on one hand there is the scientists view of four fundamental but extremely powerful forces that interact between the particles of matter blindly and form the Universe we see around us.
But on a level deeper maybe this is all created by thought energy, maybe thought actually shapes the world around us…
Think of our lives a bit like someone watching a 3 dimensional movie from a four-dimensional plane of existence the same way as we would watch a film at the cinema.
The only difference is that occasionally someone in the TV program turns to the viewer who he cannot see and asks for help and that viewer has the power to help him by creating coincidences in the movie.
Maybe the viewers from the 4-dimensional world are our guardian angels, celebrating our triumphs, appearing in our dreams and helping us in our times of self pity but they cannot directly interfere with our adventure only give us choices and challenges.
When you become an observer inside the movie you are not participating which can cause all sorts of weird phenomena in the thought-world a bit like being in one of those dreams you have when you know you are dreaming.
Maybe mankind will have to start thinking out of the box if he is going to escape from the conditioned thinking that is driving society in general down the cul-de-sac, which it is heading.
And all these thoughts came into my head from having a bad experience at a AA meeting.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment at Hogwarts don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could run off into the field to write another adventure of Bev And Kev. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked Luke, my son about the meaning of life. Its all in the Star Beyond he said, he lives in heaven and looks after us all
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Miss Boley," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." but Miss Boley just looked at me and wagged her tail, such a simple life I thought being a dog and took her for a long walk and study her confused reaction to lamposts
"Where Is My Star Beyond?" I said impatiently to the empty field
The next minute with my head spinning I headed for the library, in the mood for some more Quantum Mechanics or maybe Unified Field Theories. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Einstein, Stephen Hawking and Newton, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was The Clangers
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
In the routine computerisation of our existing records, it has come to light that you are one of twenty direct descendants of Mr Johann Christian Mittermaier, who entered this country and settled here illegally from the principality of Anhalt-Dessau in 1714.
Nationality as a full British subject is established in one of two ways: birthright, which is defined as parentage by two full British subjects; or through legal and permitted entry and subsequent qualification. As your ancestor did not establish any such rights to become a subject of the United Kingdom, its Commonwealth or Protectorates, his descendants are similarly not subjects of the aforementioned territories and have no rights of residence therein.
Notice is hereby given that you must cease to reside in the territories of the United Kingdom, its Commonwealth and Protectorates within ninety days, surrendering your passport to the relevant authorities at your point of departure. Whilst your wife (if you are married) retains full rights of residence, such children as you may have, in that they are full descendents, will similarly share your loss of citizenship and must leave with you.
Whilst it is not the province of this Department to proffer a place of residence, it should be noted that your ancestors possessed full citizenship of Anhalt-Dessau. This German Principality was subsumed into the greater Germany during the nineteenth century and now forms part of East Germany. The authorities of the aforementioned state may, of course, not recognise rights of citizenship dating back to the eighteenth century. It is up to you to take matters further.
Should you wish to lodge an appeal against the ruling, as is your right, you should do so within the next seven days by telephoning the number above for an appointment. It should be noted, however, that over 95% of all appeals are overturned as the laws relating to this area are well defined and tested in due process.
Your compliance with all aspects of, and in relation to, this letter is appreciated.
Yours Sincerely
Higher Executive Officer
Whats life about if every so often you cant have a bit of fun in life, I have just sent the above letter to one of my old drinking friends called The Gangster, when we were both drinking we always used to play practical jokes on each other now that I have stopped he thinks I have become real boring.
He has been joking with his friends that I have joined some kind of religious cult and I am training to become a deacon etc...
I hope the above will bring a chuckle to him and show him that a sober Mad Mick can be just as mischievous
I felt a little bored on Sunday day 98 so I decided to write a few more letters to various old friends, hopefully they will bring a smile and lighten up there lives when found deposited on the doormat surrounded by bills
THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION National Headquarters
ASSOCIATION OF MEDIEVAL Greenpage Buildings
ARCHAEOLOGY 15 Greenpage Road
05 December 2004 Tel 071-4900688
Dear Mr Michael Biro
I am writing to you to ask for your permission to conduct a preliminary archaeological survey of limited size upon your property.
As you are no doubt aware from the deeds to your property, your present dwelling is sited some thirty-five feet above an early fourteenth century plague burial pit which, to our knowledge, has never been excavated for purposes of historical investigation.
Many of the estimated 10,000 corpses interred beneath your property would have been buried with all their possessions, to prevent the further dissemination of the Black Death, and thus a charnel pit of this magnitude is, we feel confident, sure to lead to important new discoveries about everyday life in the fourteenth century.
If you agree to us conducting a preliminary site survey, we would propose to sink a shaft through your living room floor into the direct centre of the pit and then retrieve a number of corpses and their possessions to check up on there relative condition. All complete or partial cadavers and/or objects would of course be removed from your home as soon as they have been properly examined, tagged and catalogued.
You will, should you agree, receive full compensation from the society for any inconvenience or structural alterations conducted, and you should be aware that there is absolutely no danger of infection, as the plague bacilli will long since perished.
I look forward to receiving your reply to this matter at your earliest convenience.
Yours Sincerely
Chief Site Officer
The above was sent to another of my old drinking buddies who is currently renting my brothers old house that I have always considdered to be haunted and below is a personal favourite of mine though on this occasion I have not sent it anywhere.
TAXATION TOM’S SECRET
AGENT CLUB
Dear Children
Are you interested in the mysterious world of spies and secret agents?
Well, if you are, you can help me out on an important mission! If you accept, you must remember one thing – it’s a secret that only children can know about. No adults must be told a thing or else the whole plan would be in danger.
Are you interested? Yes? Well, let me tell you about this mission and how you can help!
I work for a big organisation called the Inland Revenue. Its not as exciting as the place that James Bond works for, but the work we do is still very “hush – hush”. We collect “taxes” from parents who go to work; this money then goes towards manufacturing children’s toys and games.
Without this money there would be no children’s toys at all – so you can see how important it is that we collect it! Sadly, though, we know that some parents have extra jobs in their spare time which they don’t pay taxes on. This makes us angry because if they don’t pay up, children will have to go without toys.
You can help us by letting us know if your parents have more than one job. For example, they might work in a pub in the evenings, or they might have a cleaning job somewhere. Whatever it is we want to hear about it!
But remember, this must be kept a secret! All you have to do is call us at your local tax office (we’re in the Yellow Pages) or at our central top-secret headquarters on 071-490 0688 and give us the details. It’s probably best to phone when your parents are out – otherwise they might get suspicious!
We wont be annoyed with your parents – they’ve probably just forgotten to tell us about there other job – all we want is to make sure that children everywhere are happy and have plenty of toys to play with.
Thanks for all your help!
Remember that mum’s the word – but don’t tell yours about it!
Good Luck
TAXATION TOM
It wouldnt surprise me if the Inland Revenue have not stooped so low in the past, finally just so that I have plenty of things to make amends for when I finally get round to doing Step 9 I have sent the following to another old friend.
REGIONALHead Office
RAILWAY USERS11 Chigley Street
ASSOCIATION London WC3 TS9
Tel 071-490 0688
05 December 2004
Dear Mr Craig Biro
We are writing to all season ticket holders to advise them of the Council’s recent decision to allow nuclear waste to be transported through this area by rail.
Having had several meetings with the Council and the Government Health and Safety Executive, we are satisfied that the necessary safety precautions will be observed once transportation of the waste commences next month.
Although “waste only” trains were originally planned, the non-availability of special rolling stock means that nuclear waste will have to be carried aboard regular commuter trains to London. It will be packed within lead-lined containers mounted beneath the first four carriages of each train.
We have been assured that the radiation emitted by the waste will be minimal, but to allay the public’s fears, Geiger counters will be fitted in each carriage.
Although drivers and guards will be wearing radiation suites we have been informed that this is purely a precaution and no reflection whatsoever on the safety of the nuclear cargo.
In order to fit these containers, trains will have to be temporarily withdrawn from service and there may be a number of cancellations on services throughout the region. However in order to minimise disruption, they will be converted gradually over a one-month period.
Yours sincerely
Regional Liaison Manager
Its always good to end the week with a bit of light relief from all this AA programming, and all my old friends will realise as soon as they receive there letters that Mad Mick although gaining a little sobriety which was urgently needed he has not lost his sense of humour.
Anyway its my meeting at Dewsbury soon, last night Jedi Master Mace Windu shared about steps 1,2 & 3 and that some guy phoned him up to ask if he was insane and on Friday Master Yoda returned to glory with an excellent share about the conflict between doing gods will and the ego.
I hope to bring you a full report of tonights events...
Just got back from my Sunday Evening meeting of AA at what has come to be known as “The Engine Of AA” situated in Dewsbury and it always gives me a great feeling to end the week on.
I was met with an encouraging e-mail from one of my favourite colleagues at Hogwarts called Laa-Laa who has decided to cut down his drinking a little after what I can only say sounded like an eventful night out in honour of Del-boys departure from my place of work.
In attendance was Barnsley Bill, Big Arms (?), a good lad from the shop floor, of course Laa-Laa, Mr T (?), The Dictator, Magnum, The Blonde bombshell who left Hogwarts, Canteen Cat, The Handy Man, The Gregarious One and Shanghai Sue.
Sadly I myself could not be present because I no longer trust myself to be in the same room as anything alcoholic let alone an event as prestigious as that, I have even declined the invitation to the annual yuletide Christmas dinner.
Delboy was a person who I always knew where I stood with and I would like to take this opportunity to wish him all the best, I am sure the force will be with him and thank him for all the lifts he gave me back home during the summer when I had lost my way in life completely.
Rapidly changing the subject back to my AA world where I am being re-programmed to become a “normal” person who is at times very boring at least that was the subject of tonight’s meeting kindly chaired by Mr Blair who commented that he was in a good mood though it was no business of mine to enquire.
And a great Share by “The Lady With No Name” who has found serenity and is towards the end of the beginning part of the second bit of giving up drinking, “coming to terms with being boring”.
Mr Blair commented about this area of his recovery with the analogy of being like Cliff Richard with a huge back catalogue of hits but today just ticking along with the occasional well thought out chart-topper such as “Saviours Day” and “Mistletoe And Wine” and that dreadful “Millennium Prayer”.
It was a well balanced meeting but I still got the feeling that everyone was ignoring me and that I should really be the centre of attention but then again I must accept my fate since I am now well on the way to being boring and predictable.
As the Coal-Miner sat crunching his nuts and clearly annoying The Mad Cyclist, David Attenbrough piped up with a carefully prepared speech reaching a crescendo with something about not knowing what to do after the school dinner last year and not projecting into the future.
